The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 10 - All That Jazz - full transcript

Dorothy's son Michael moves in with her after his wife kicks him out.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪


Morning! Morning.

Dorothy, taste this.

Mmm! Oh, Ma, that's wonderful.

Yeah, smells fine to me. I don't
know why they're recalling it.

Good morning. Morning, Rose.

Wait, there's something
different about you.

Didn't you used to have a neck?

It's tension. It always
goes to the same place.

(sighs) My shoulder's
tight and my neck gets stiff

and I can't turn my head.

You mean you can't
move your neck at all? No.

Look out, behind you!

Hey, you gotta make
your own fun around here.

Honey, what's
making you so tense?

It's my job, all the pressure.

What's the big deal? You're just
working for a consumer reporter -

you're not actually
on TV yourself.

Well, it is a big deal.

All those consumers are
depending on me to do a good job.

If I'm not careful, people
could get hurt or cheated.

Look, it's Jimmy Smits!

Ma, stop that.


Rose, you're gonna have to
learn how to take care of that stress.

You can't walk around in agony.

She's right. For a bad neck,

you get into bed, lie perfectly
still and wait until it's over.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's not
a bad neck, that's bad sex.

Hi, Mom. Michael!
Michael! I can't believe it.

Oh, honey, it is
so good to see you.

Everybody, Michael is here.

Look, Rose, it's Michael.
I'm not falling for that again.

Hi, Blanche. Rose.

Oh, Grandma, you look
more beautiful than ever.

Relax, you're already in the
will. Now come give me a hug.

Honey, Michael, I thought
you were touring with that band.

Great news, Ma.
I quit. You quit?

You just got the
job two weeks ago.

I know, but I feel
like I'm in a rut.

Michael, how are you
gonna support your wife?

More good news -
Lorraine and I separated.

Sep... What do you mean?

He means he and Lorraine
aren't living together.

I know what he means.

It's just a breather -
give each other space.

She threw you out, didn't she?

She changed the
locks and everything.

I mean, she even tossed all
my clothes out the window.

You can't imagine
what it's like,

searching for underwear
in the back of a convertible.

Tell me about it.

Michael, couldn't you
have tried to make it work

before you just walked away?

I tried - God knows, I tried -

but Ma, she didn't
understand who I am.

She didn't understand
I'm a free spirit.

And that's why I like to come
home - 'cause you understand me.

It's not just because
I do your laundry?

Michael, we were just having
breakfast. Would you join us?

That's the best offer
I've had all morning.

You know, it wouldn't hurt if
you backed your kid up more.

Oh, Ma, it's just that I hate to see
Michael making all the wrong choices.

You know what I mean?
How could I know?

My children made all the right
choices. My son was a cross-dresser,

my daughter was
unmarried and pregnant.

Hell, I was the Rose
Kennedy of Brooklyn!

Rose! Honey, it's
three in the morning!

Why are you staring
at those light bulbs?

I'm running a
consumer test for work.

I have to see which
one of these lasts longer.

Rose, you ninny, don't
you know staring at

light bulbs for hours
is bad for your eyes?

Hey, instead of
worrying about my eyes,

I'd be more concerned with those
purple spots all over your face.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Blanche. I'm frazzled.

Not only is this due tomorrow,

but I have to make sure
this watch really is waterproof.

Honey, why don't you take
the watch off your wrist?

Come on, Blanche! Then I'd have my
hand in a bucket of water for nothing.

Rose, listen.

I don't want you to take this the
wrong way but you are driving us crazy.

Now, you've got to
get some sleep. How?

There is no way I can relax when I'm
so anxious about these work deadlines.

Learn to relax. I learned
how to relax in any situation

on that meditation retreat.

You went on a
meditation retreat? Yeah.

Was it successful? Oh, yes.

By the end of the week 17 men
were using my name as a mantra.

OK, how do you meditate?
Well, just shut your eyes.

Now breathe deeply.





I can't. I'm too wound up.

Blanche! Which
one went out first?

Beats me.

Oh, great. Now what am I
gonna tell Enrique Mas tomorrow?

You are going to tell him
that you are overworked.

I can't tell him that. He'll
think I can't do the job.

You can't do it,
Rose - not like this.

Now, you talk to him and tell
him you have too much to do.

If it means your job,
it means your job.

Honey, you can't go
on like this - you'll die.

Or we'll kill you.

Well, I'll think about it,
Blanche. But I'm telling you,

I'm not ready to give up the most
challenging, exciting job I've ever had.

Ma, Ma, listen to this.

"Saxophone player wanted at
the Hacienda Hut cocktail lounge."

What do you think?

I guess I could learn.

Ma, not for you - for Michael.

For the past week all he's been
doing is hanging out at the beach

and having a good time.

Maybe this job at
the Hacienda Hut

will get him on the
right track again.

You don't want Michael working
in a place like the Hacienda Hut.

It is full of people just looking
for easy sex and cheap thrills.

But if it'll help, I could write
a letter of recommendation.

Why push Michael into a job?

Give him time to breathe.
Let him find himself.

Oh, Ma, I'm a little concerned.

He just doesn't take
commitment seriously.

Ma, he quits jobs, he
leaves relationships.

It's like they don't matter.

He is 30 years old.
When's he gonna grow up?

Why should he, when you
make it so easy for him not to?

Are you saying it's my fault?

All I'm saying is, you
have to do something,

or you're gonna end
up with a 60-year-old kid

who can't hold a job or have
a meaningful relationship,

who keeps running to you all
the time for emotional support.

Can you imagine a man like that?

(doorbell) No, I can't.

Yes, I can.

Hi. It's me, Stan.
Come on in, Stanley.

We were just talking about you.

I thought I felt
my ears burning.

Maybe that cheap toupee
you're wearing retains heat.

Stanley, why are you here?

Michael and I made
plans for tonight.

You know, a real
father-son evening,

where we can rap and share
our feelings and create good vibes.

I can dig it.

Where are you taking
him? The Hacienda Hut.

I'll show him the town,
give him some quality time.

Maybe it'll make up for never
teaching him how to ride a bicycle.

Stanley, how come I've never
seen you at the Hacienda Hut?

I never have to stay
long. I'm a chick magnet.

That's why they
call me Mr. Lucky.

You mean, for 38 years I was
Mrs. Lucky and never knew it?

What about the
present Mrs. Lucky?

Does she know what
a maggot you are?

Magnet, Dorothy. Magnet.

Hey, Dad. I'll be
with you in a second.

Ma, could I see
you in the kitchen?

Look, Ma, I'm picking up
the tab for dinner tonight

and I feel kind of bad
because I've never treated you.

I mean, I love Dad, but you've
always been there for me.

Honey, don't worry. I'll
always be there for you.

I'm glad to hear that, Ma, because I
ran out of cash. I need to borrow $30.

$30? Michael, you're an adult.

Do you really wanna
beg your mother for $30?

All right, fine.
Forget it. I hate this.

Whenever I need money you
make me feel like I'm asking.

All right. All right,
all right, all right.

Oh, but look, all I
have are two twenties.

Great. We can get appetizers.

OK, let's jam. That's my boy.

That's my dad. That's my money.

Dorothy, you gave
him money again?

Oh! When are you gonna realize

that you will never have a good
relationship with your children

until you stop doing
all the things for them

they should be
doing for themselves.

Dorothy, I finished your
blouse. And the socks?

Get right on it.

So what am I supposed to do?

You have to make him
stand on his own two feet.

If I were you, I'd kick him out.

You really think
I should do that?

Kick him out. I know it
sounds hard and cruel,

but I've been reading
about that very thing.

It's called "rough love."

No, I think it's "tough love."

Well, see there? We've both come
up with something we oughta try.

Michael? Hi, Ma.
What are you doing up?

Waiting up for you. I
brought you something.

Change for my 40?

No, these little
bamboo umbrellas.

These are mine to keep, right?

I stayed up because
I want to talk to you.

I want to know how
the job hunt is going.

There's not much
out there right now.

You're sending out
résumés? Come on, Ma.

Musicians don't
send out résumés -

it's not like a job job.

No, you're right. A job job is
when you go to work regularly,

bring home a paycheck
and support yourself.

OK. Wait a minute.
What's this all about?

Michael, you are 30 years old.

I want you to find your own
place, cook your own food,

and take responsibility
for your life.

But, Ma, that takes money.

That's where the
job job comes in.

So what are you saying?
You're kicking me out?

No. I'm forcing you to grow up.

Fine, I'll pack my things now.

No, wait a minute. Since I
sprung this on you out of the blue,

let's say you can stay
here for another week.

What, and put off growing up?


I'm outta here.

(tape plays storm noises)

Rose, what the hell
are you listening to?

It's a relaxation tape. The
rain is supposed to relax me.

Is it working? Not really.

I keep worrying that I
left my car windows down.

Oh, Dorothy, I feel so helpless.

I get upset every
time I think about it.

Now, look, Rose, stop whining.

You're going to have to speak
to your boss about your workload.

Wallowing in self-pity
is not going to help.

How are you feeling,
Dorothy? My life is falling apart.

And now Rose is bothering me.

Dorothy, I'm sorry
I bothered you.

I'm sorry I snapped
at you, Rose.

It's just that I'm
upset. I am very upset.

It is because you
threw Michael out?

No, it's because I
can't make any sense

out of those commercials
for Obsession.

Of course it's
because of Michael.

You just did what you had to.

Blanche, knowing
that does not help.

I am going crazy
wondering where he is.

I mean, he could be sleeping
under a pier, for all I know.

Or in some flophouse.
Or out on the street.

Michael called. He's
staying with Stan.

Oh, God, it's even
worse than I thought!

At least he can depend
on one of this parents.

Look, Ma, I told you why...
I know, and you're wrong.

Your brother Phil is
much older than Michael

and I still send him money.
And do you know why?

Where I was brought up, you
never turn your back on family. Never.

I know, Ma.

When your crazy cousin Nunzio

started living
with his pet goat,

did the family turn
its back on him? No.

And after a couple of
nights neither did the goat.

Dorothy, this really isn't your
problem anymore. It's Michael's.

He just has to learn the things
we need to know to be an adult.

Like how to earn a
living, how to pay the rent,

how to be courteous to your
Friday-night mistake on Saturday morning.

I still have to work on
that last one myself.

Why does it have to be so hard?

The hardest part for me
was explaining to my Kirsten

the difference
between boys and girls.

I knew the time had come,
but I kept putting it off.

Finally, I decided it was time
to take the bull by the horns.

So you told her?

No, I took the
bull by the horns,

turned him around and showed
her what makes a bull a bull.

You are kidding, Rose?

No! That's how my
mother taught me.

Honey, didn't that give
you a false impression

about what a man
would look like?

It sure did.

Can you imagine my surprise
on my wedding night with Charlie?


Boy, that bull would
have been jealous.

I just wish somebody could
tell me I've done the right thing.

Yeah, yeah, you've
done the right thing.

Rose, tell me
more about Charlie.

Not now, Blanche.

Dorothy, I know you've
done the right thing.

In the animal
kingdom, the whole idea

is to teach offspring
to fend for themselves.

Humans are the only
ones who think it's their duty

to care for children
their entire lives.

You know, Rose, sometimes
you really say some wise things.

We're also the only
species who use corn holders

that look like corn on the cob
when we eat corn on the cob.

Oops! Spoke too soon.

Oh, Rose, is your neck
bothering you again?

Yeah. And I'm gonna
do something about it.

I'm glad you've come
to your senses. (doorbell)

There is nothing worse
than a pain in the neck.

I must be psychic.

Stanley, why are you
here? We need to talk.

Let's go in the
kitchen. Is this private?

No. I'm hungry -
you got any bagels?

Hello, Rose.

OK, Stanley, what do you wanna
talk about? It's about Michael.

What's wrong? What happened? Why
do you have so many cheesecakes?

What about Michael?

He's fine. He's
living the life of Riley.

I cook his meals, I change
his sheets, I pay his bills.

He's making my life
miserable, Dorothy.

Stanley, pull yourself
together. I'm sorry.

It's not just the
disruption to my life,

it's seeing him do
nothing with his.

Stanley, you took him in. Now it is
your problem, and you have to deal with it.

You're right. There's only one thing
I can do, and it's the hardest thing.

You're going to ask
Michael to leave your home.

No. I'm gonna ask you to
ask Michael to leave my home.

He already resents you. Why
should he be mad at me too?

I've heard enough. Get out.

See? You're great at
throwing people out.

Stanley, you're going to have to throw
your own son out of your own house.

Dorothy, I can't.

How can I sit in judgment
of how Michael lives his life?

Here I am, a middle-aged
man selling novelties for a living.

Things could've been different

if I'd applied
myself 30 years ago.

You could have
invented plastic vomit,

instead of just selling it.

Exactly. But Michael's
different - he's got real talent.

I don't want to see him
waste it. Then help him, Stan.

How? Set an example.

Show him that it's
never too late to grow up.

You're right.

It is time for me to
show some maturity.

I'm gonna be strong, Dorothy -

not just for Michael,
but for myself.

You know something, Stanley?

This is a side of
you I rarely see.

And I must say,
it's very attractive.


You wanna fool around?

Oh, yeah. More than anything.

What is that? Sarcasm?

I'm leaving.

More around the eyes.
I'm blending, Enrique.

I want my public to trust me.

Enrique Mas must
have honest eyes.

Try number 34. I heard Ted
Koppel uses 34 around the eyes.

(Rose) Enrique.


Do my eyes look honest enough?

I, uh... See? The lady
hesitates. More around the eyes.

Make me Cronkite.


since I've been working here I
can't move my head anymore,

my back hurts, I can't sleep,
I have trouble digesting food,

I see spots before my eyes...

I'm not a doctor, but I
think it could be stress.

Please. This sounds
very important.

We should discuss
this over coffee.

Cream and sugar?
And a treat. Surprise me.

You see, that's part of it.

I can't possibly handle all
the things you give me to do.

Oh, I feel like such a failure.

Here you've trusted me
with a really important job,

and I'm just not doing it.

I know how hard your job
is, and how good you are at it.

Until you started working
for me, my neck was like that.

Well, no wonder I'm cracking.

I don't want you to crack, Rose.

I need you.

Do you believe that? Yes.

Enough 34.

Really, Rose, speaking from the heart
and not from the makeup, you're the best.

That's why I work you
like a dog - out of respect.

Thank you. But I
don't want to kill you.

So I'm going to hire an
assistant for you, Rose.

An assistant for
me? I can't believe it!

You can't? I must be fading.

More 34.

Rose, first thing tomorrow
you get your assistant.


I want you to know that
Dad asked me to leave.

He said he agreed with you.

I don't get it - you two
never agreed about anything.

I guess we both
agree that we love you.

Well, you have a
funny way of showing it.

Because of this, I had to call
the band and beg for my job back.

You got it? Michael,
that's wonderful.

Wonderful? It's
humiliating. Oh, Michael.

Look, I gotta catch a
bus. You got my laundry?


I want you to know I think
what your mother did was right.

You may not see it now,
but you'll realize it later.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

See? I came around to your side.

You gave him money, didn't you?

It's not like it's my money.
I took it from your purse.

Oh, Ma, I don't know
if he'll ever forgive me.

The day you left
me at Shady Pines,

do you remember what
I told you? Of course.

You told me you'd
never forgive me.

But look at us now.
Everything's fine.

You're saying no matter
how bad things are

between Michael and
me, they'll change?

No. I'm saying that
when Michael is 83

and his retirement
home burns down,

your... Oh. That's
right - you'll be dead.

See you, pussycat.

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