The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 9 - Comedy of Errors - full transcript

After a high school classmate dies unexpectedly, Dorothy decides to fulfill a long-forgotten dream of being a stand-up comedian.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Thank you.


A person cannot
open a letter anymore

without being accosted by
some vile, disgusting thing!

I thought it was against the
law to send filth through the mail.

Oh, no. What is it, Blanche?

A letter from the IRS.

I am being audited!

It's aggravating, yes,

but you don't have
anything to be worried about.

Do you? Well, of course not.

But you know how
nitpicky they can be

if you forget to dot an i

or you don't declare
the tiniest little thing

they can blow it
all out of proportion.

What didn't you
declare, Blanche?



And Rose and Sophia.

I think over the past five years I
might have forgotten to mention

that y'all were living here
with me and paying rent.

We just slipped your
mind? Of course not, darling.

But you know I think
of you girls as family.

Now, how would it look if they thought
I was charging my own family rent?


Don't you ever get nosebleed

from taking the
highroad all the time?

Oh, this is such an
upsetting day. For both of us.

Why? What's wrong with you?

I ran into an old
friend from high school.

Helen Colquist - she
just moved to Miami.

We spent some time together

and decided we'd
get together today.

I even got out the old yearbook
so we could go down memory lane.

Last night she had a
heart attack and died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've been sitting here
looking through the book,

and I can't believe how many
of my classmates are gone.

Look. Frank Bonatardi,

tight end on the football team -

heart attack, dead.

Don't think of it as
Frank being dead.

Just think of it as God
telling Frank to go deep.

David Brittingham.
What happened to him?

God told David to drive into
a wall at 80 miles an hour.

What are you doing?

Dorothy's going
through her yearbook,

to see who's dead.

That's my pussycat:
fun, fun, fun!

Ma, do you remember
Helen Colquist?

Was she that fat
woman with a wooden leg

and a hairless cat
named Cincinnati Jake?


Then I don't remember her.

Oh, Ma, look at this.

A list I made of things I
wanted to do with my life.

You know, I had
a list like that -

and I've done most of 'em.

Except for Burt Lancaster.

I haven't done half
the things on this list.

I mean, what am I? I
am a substitute teacher.

I'll never be rich
before I'm 21,

I'll never be homecoming queen.

You can still be
homecoming queen.

It'll just be a
different kind of home.

What else is on
your list, Dorothy?

Uh... I wanted to
entertain people.

Oh! You, an
entertainer? Well, yes.

I was in the drama club.

I was also voted the most
humorous girl in my class.

She went to a special
school for the dull.

I did not. OK, it's
time for dinner.

Dorothy, tell me something
else that's on your list.

An entertainer! (laughing)

Entertaining people,
getting my masters,

and I wanted to sleep
with Michael Delvecchio.

Wait a minute.
Michael Delvecchio?

Is he tall with black hair,
has a mole on his cheek,

sells insurance in
New York City? Yes!

You didn't miss much.

The point is, I didn't do
any of the things on my list.

I mean, all my
dreams went unfulfilled.

The other day I was
talking to Helen Colquist.

She said she'd always
wanted to go to the Holy Land.

She'd just bought the
ticket. Now she's dead.


What a day! You too?

You know Roger Barton,

the man who works in
the cubicle next to me?

He doesn't like me.

Everybody's always liked me.

Honey, maybe your
chemistry's just off.

Everybody doesn't
have to like you.

Oh, yes, they do.

Dorothy, you're the smart one.
Blanche, you're the sexy one.

And Sophia, you're the old one.

I'm the nice one.

Everybody always likes me.

The old one isn't
so crazy about you.

Roger likes everybody
else in the office.

I don't know why
he doesn't like me.

I go out of my
way to be friendly.

You know that happy
thought of the day

that I write down
and give to everyone?

He doesn't even like that.

I have a plan.
What is your plan?

His dog died.

That your plan?

No. I'm gonna replace his dog.

Rose, you don't even like
bringing me my slippers.

No, I'm gonna get him
a new pet to replace his.

His dog lifted his leg
on an electric fence.

Poor Sparky.

To show him how sorry I am,

I'm gonna go to the pound
and get him another pet.

Rose, I really think
you're trying too hard.

I don't. I don't.

No, Rose, I admire you.

When you want something
to happen, you go for it.

Me, I dream.

Are you back on that
show biz kick again?

Yeah, Ma. I was
always pretty good at it,

even way back in high school.

Do you remember
those variety shows

that my class used to put on?

I was really very good.

I'd get up there and tell a
few jokes about the teachers,

about the cafeteria food.

Ma, do you remember,
"You call this tapioca?"



The kids really liked me.

I mean, they
laughed. I felt great.

If there's something
you're aching to do,

then you simply have to do it.

Remember when we went to
amateur night at the Comedy Barrel?

You've got to be as good
as some of those people.

I couldn't. I'd be up
there sweating bullets.

And dodging some.

No, you should try it, Dorothy.

We'd be right there, front
and center, cheering you on.

This is crazy. What
if I die out there?

Oh, who cares if you stink.

Who cares if nobody laughs.

Who cares if you
make a fool of yourself.

I care.

Then you got problems.

(doorbell) Coming.


Roger, I can't tell
you how sorry I am

about what happened to Sparky.

And how are you?
I've been better, Rose.

I've come to talk to you
about this cat you sent me.

When I saw him at the pound,

I knew he'd be
just the cat for you.

I named him Buster.
Isn't he precious?

He mauled me, Rose.

Buster did that? But
he seemed so sweet.

Well, he may be, Rose,
but he just doesn't like me.

Sometimes in life that happens.

For instance, I don't like you.

But everybody likes me.

Can't say that anymore, Rose.

Do you really hate me?

Oh, yeah.

Now, here's Buster back.

You told me you
were an animal lover.

I thought maybe I
could replace your loss.

Well, I didn't need a replacement.
You see, I had my parakeet.

Or I used to have him until you
sent that cat from hell into our lives.

You don't mean...? I don't think you're
gonna have to feed Buster for a while.

Goodbye, Rose. And
when you see me at work,

don't say good morning,

don't leave me
those cheery notes,

and please don't put on those
little puppet shows over the partition.

In fact, don't ever
think of me again.

Oh! Whose cat is this?

I got it at the pound
for somebody,

and now they don't want him.

I was talking to Sarah
Antonelli the other day.

She's got a cellar full of
mice and she needs a cat.

You think this guy's
got the killer instinct?

Oh, I think so.

Please take him, Sophia.
His name is Buster.

He sure is cute.

I love the way he's got that
jaunty yellow feather behind his ear.

Kitty, kitty, kitty!

What's in the shoebox?

Every last receipt
and scrap of paper

I have collected over
the last five years.

Or a pair of shoes.

What am I going to do? I'm
meeting with my accountant tomorrow.

He said to bring everything.

You better include
a cake with a file in it.

Where are your receipts?

I always thought you
only needed a receipt

if the dress you
bought didn't fit.

I'm just no good at this.

That's beginning
to shine through.

It was so much easier
when I was married.

I'd buy something expensive,
George would yell at me,

I'd put on a
see-through nightie,

and that would be the end of it.

Why can't the
government work that way?

According to the newspapers,
a lot of times it does.

Uh, this money that you forgot to
give to the IRS - what did you do with it?

I can't remember what
I did with every penny.

I know I gave
some of it to charity.

Charitable deductions!
Blanche, that's great.

What was it? United Fund?
Greenpeace? You remember?

In 1985 I bought the
We Are The World album.

Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?

They're in your mouth, Ma.

I know that. Don't
they look good today?

I ran them through
the dishwasher.

Ma, listen to me.

You got Martha Raye
and Madge mixed up again.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, Ma, would you
like to listen to a joke?

Is this from your act? Could be.

I went down to the Comedy Barrel
and signed up for Monday night.

Let me try this out on
you. OK, make me laugh.

All right. Here we go.

It seems there
was this doctor...

"It seems" there was? What
is this, existentialist humor?

Was there a doctor,
or wasn't there?

Yes. Yes, there was this doctor.

He's sitting in the park...

What time of year is it?

What difference does it make?
You have to set the scene.

Who is telling this joke?
At the moment, nobody.

Ma, it would be very nice
if you could be supportive.

Please. I've always
been supportive.

Remember when you
wanted to run away to Canada

so you wouldn't get drafted?

Ma, that was my brother Phil.

Oh, yeah. I got confused -
he was wearing your dress.

OK. How about when you
were unmarried and pregnant?

I remember your exact words:

"Get out of my
house. You're dead.

I have no daughter
named Dorothy."

Sure, in that tone of
voice it sounds bad.

But I'm supporting you now.

Didn't I come here to live
with you in your twilight years?

Ma, these are
your twilight years.

Are you kidding? I'm
supposed to be dead.

These are your twilight years.

Ma, I never needed you more.

I'm about to do something
that is very important to me.

I mean, I could
fall flat on my face.

Fall the other
way - it's funnier.

Thank you and
good night. Well, Ma?

Five minutes and ten seconds.

That's a little long.
What should I cut?

After hearing that
act, your throat.

Hi, Blanche. How did it go at
the accountant's? Oh, just fine.

While I was in the waiting
room, I was reading a magazine

that listed the ten
richest men in America.

You know, Merv Griffin's
moved up a couple of notches.

He probably ate the
two guys ahead of him.

Anyway, I got good news from my
accountant. I'm being audited Tuesday.

Oh, lucky you. You don't get it.

My accountant reminded me
that I've been audited before

and I've never had to
pay a penny in back taxes.

I have a way with auditors.

The last time I was audited

I got money back
from the government.

Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor
leaves two twenties on your nightstand.

D'you wanna see
my vanskap kokker?

As long as I don't
have to show you mine.

It's a St. Olaf friendship cake.

I'm taking it to Roger.

It's made with
milk, sugar, honey,

a whole lot of love, and
just a drop of sunshine.

Why don't you leave
the poor man alone?

I know if he got to
know me, he'd like me.

Why? I got to know
you - I don't like you.

You just say that.


Rose, you've become obsessed.

You have this irrational
need to get Roger to like you.

Why are you doing this?

I guess it all started when I
was a little kid at the orphanage.

You see, only the happy,
nice kids got adopted.

That's when I started trying to
be happy and nice all the time.

'Cause the truth is, if you
treat somebody really nicely,

they'll take you home.

I've always found
that to be true.

(sighs) Right now, I feel
like the kid at the orphanage.

OK, Rose, I'm going
to tell you a story

about a young
girl in high school

who was very insecure
about the other kids liking her.

Now, she would do anything -

anything - to gain
their approval.

She would do their
homework for them,

while her grades suffered.

She would give them
her lunch money,

in the misguided belief that
she could buy their acceptance.

Finally, lonely and
desperate for affection

she gave her
virginity to the first boy

who showed her
the slightest attention.

Oh, boy. You know, Blanche,
until you told this story,

I never realized how
much we had in common.

We don't have
anything in common.

That was a story
Sophia told me about you.

Rose, the point is,

there's always going to be
somebody who doesn't like you.

Yes, and when you
find that one person,

you have to try even
harder to get them to like you.

Did I ever tell you the story
about Herder Schornborscht?

Many, many, many
times. Yes, yes, yes!

You have.

Well, then you remember,

he was St. Olaf's
most famous shepherd.

Well, Herder used to say,

you can have a hundred
sheep, and if one goes astray,

that's the one you go look for.

Especially if it's the
best-looking one.

Rose has got to find
some new role models.

Rose! I was just
thinking about you.

Really? Yeah, my
hand was throbbing.

I brought you a vanskap kokker.

It's a traditional St.
Olaf friendship cake.

Rose, I don't want
any gifts from you.

I really don't wanna have
anything to do with you.

Let me ask you something.

What is your idea of a friend?

A friend is someone who
likes you and respects you

and is willing to
do things for you.

So if I was your friend, you'd be willing
to do things for me and respect my wishes?

Of course. I'd have to.

I've asked you to leave
me alone, and you haven't.

What kind of friend is that?

You said you weren't my friend.

What if I say I am your friend?

Well, then I'd have to
do it - you'd be my friend.

Then we're friends! You mean it?

Forever. Don't forget
to leave me alone.

That's what friends
are for. See you, pal.

Thank you, Roger. You don't
know what it means for me

to hear you say that.

See you, buddy.

(booing/comedian on stage)

You're looking pale.
Are you all right?

I was thinking, how
important is it to fulfill

your life's dream?
What's the big deal?

You've come this far. You
might as well go through with it.

But what if nobody laughs?

Then you'll know
how Lisa Bonet feels.

OK, OK, who's got
number 14? Oh, God, I do.

OK, sweetie. You're on next.

(raucous laughter)

So, the guy says,

"My St. Bernard? I thought
it was your St. Bernard."


I gotta go wash my
mouth out with soap.

Good night,
everybody. (cheering)

There he goes, the bad boy
of comedy, Dirty Dicky Hertz.

Not exactly the kind of guy
you want to meet your mother.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to bring
out a lady who actually claims to know

which one is Siegfried
and which one is Roy,

Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak.

You'll, uh... have to excuse
me. I'm a little nervous.

I'm not really a comedian.

Boy, it's a little hot up here.

How hot is it?

I don't know,
but it's really hot.


As I said before, my
name is Dorothy Zbornak.

And... that's spelled
just the way it sounds.

You're dying. Ask
us where we're from.

That's my mother, the
Incredible Shrinking Woman.

She's sitting there with the
two other women that I live with.

You know, at our ages,

the four of us living
together in the same house,

we go through so
many hormone changes

that some nights we can
actually read by the hot flashes.

You know, it's really interesting
when one of us dates an eligible man -

or as we call them, a live one.

Although it's not a prerequisite
because I have been known

to date a guy on life support.


But the trouble with
dating a guy on life support

is that you always
have to go to his place.

Every guy has an angle.


And that's the trouble
with the guys here in Miami.

They simply cannot say
those three little words:

"Quick, call 911."

So, that's who I am -

a substitute teacher
with hot flashes

who still lives with her
mother who heckles her.


And I wanna thank
you for finding my life

more amusing than I do.

Good night. Thank
you. You're beautiful.


Pussycat, I've been working
on some jokes for your act.

Why did Rose throw the
alarm clock out of the window?

I don't know. Why?

Because she's a moron.

I got a million of
'em. That's OK, Ma.

I don't think I'm gonna be doing
my stand-up routine any more.

How come? You were great.

This morning I realized
that what I've been doing

is no different from my dream.

Every time I stand
in front of a classroom

I face the same challenges,

only I come away with something
that I didn't feel last night -

that maybe, possibly, I've managed
to teach them a little something.

Now, doing stand-up was
like having sex with Stan.

I was nervous before it,
felt pretty good during it,

and I'm absolutely thrilled

that I will never
have to do it again.

How do I look? Is
today your audit?


He should be here any minute.

Blanche, how are you
going to explain that outfit?

"The zipper's in the back."


Wish me luck.

Blanche Devereaux? Yes.

Gloria Schmidt, IRS.

Come on in the kitchen.
I'll write you a check.