The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 11 - Ebb Tide - full transcript

Blanche and her sister Virginia clash at Big Daddy's funeral, which Dorothy also attends. Meanwhile, Sophia takes advantage of their absences to rent their rooms out to boarders.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪


Your picture's in the paper.

And there's a big article
about the Citrus Festival.

What's it say, what's it say?

"Miami will be busy this weekend
with ten major conventions."

Listen to this.

"The highlight being
the Citrus Festival Ball,

"which is being
chaired this year

by 35-year-old
Blanche Devereaux."

How much did that cost you?

I don't have to pay
for my compliments.

You went to bed with him?


But it's not like I
wouldn't have anyway.

Oh, good. The newspaper's
here. Gimme the classifieds.

Oh, Ma, Ma, you're
not gonna answer ads

in the personals again, are you?

We got a lot of
complaints last time.

Hey, he asked for a single
white female who likes to party,

and he got one.

No, I need to make some
extra money. What for?

When you get to be my age,
the quality of your life changes.

While you're at work, I'm here by
myself all day, and it gets lonely.

Oh, Ma. Maybe I
could stay home more.

Or we could get
a giant-screen TV.

Oh, Ma, we can't afford that.

That's the thing. The
classifieds are filled with ads

from people who couldn't
find a hotel this weekend,

and want to rent a
room anyplace they can.

I'm not opening my
home to boarders.

Oh, they usually just turn out to
be lowlife trash who'll make a mess,

and half the time you can't
get your money from 'em.

Which reminds me, Rose,
your rent check is late.

(phone rings)


Yes, she is. It's
for you, Leona.

Who is it? Your father.

Big Daddy? Is that
you, Big Daddy?

Hello, darling, how are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, darling, I can't come
see you this weekend.

No, no, I mean it.

If it had been any
other weekend...

I know, but I'm queen of a ball.

Ain't that something?
Here, listen to this.

Quote: "The highlight
being the Citrus Festival Ball,

"which is being
chaired this year

by 35-year-old
Blanche Devereaux."


I probably would
have anyway, though.

Sorry I can't come
see you this weekend,

but I'll check in
with you on Monday.

I love you too. Bye.

How is Big Daddy? I think he's
just missing me. He's a little blue.

But when this festival is over, I'll fly up
and spend a few days with him. Come on.

Look at this, look! Here's a couple that's
willing to pay $400 a night for a room.


Back in St. Olaf, the most
expensive room was $18.50.

And that includes the cow.

All right, Rose. Why would
you want a cow in the room?

It's the law.

Thank you so much.

Oh, everybody get in here!
Come and see what I just got.

What is it, Blanche?

My commemorative plate from
the Citrus Festival just arrived.

Can I see it? Oh, no, darling,
don't touch it. Nobody must touch it.

It is very rare.

Only the five people on the
committee get these each year.

Oh, look.

Have you ever seen a
more moving piece of art?

Only at Graceland.

See what it says? (phone rings)

Hello? Who's calling?

Oh, hi. Hang on.

Blanche, it's your sister,
Virginia. Oh, for goodness...

Virginia, honey, is that you?

I swear the whole family's
coming out of the woodwork.

Guess what? I'm queen of a ball.


Yeah, but I probably
would have anyway.


I spoke to Big
Daddy just yesterday.

I see.

All right, I'll be there
as soon as I can.

Blanche, what is it?

Oh, it's Big Daddy.

He's dead.

Well, if you're as
friendly as your skies are,

I'd sure love to get
together sometime.

All right. Bye.

I have a flight to Atlanta
first thing tomorrow morning.

Blanche, honey,

are you sure that you don't
want one of us to go with you?

Don't be silly, I'm fine.

I'll just fly up to Atlanta tomorrow
morning, tell Big Daddy I love him,

and be back here in time
to be queen of the ball.

Blanche, you can't do that.

Why not? Big Daddy isn't dead.

I think Virginia's playing
a little practical joke.

What kind of a person
plays a joke like that?

You want to play a joke, you ring
somebody's doorbell and run away.

Or you shorten the leg on
somebody's walker so it wobbles.

Or you arrange for somebody
to go on a long car trip with Rose.

You don't tell them
their father's dead.

Now, look. Big Daddy didn't
sound sick when I talked to him.

He was just missing me.

That Virginia's
always accusing me

of not being there when
the family needs me.

This is just her way of
getting me to rush home.

Believe me, everything's fine.

Well, just the same, Blanche,

I think I'd better go
to Atlanta with you.

Whatever you want to do.

Ketchup to go on
my lima beans. Why?

Oh, he sometimes
ate 'em that way.

He'd make up stories about how that's the
way the kings and queens of Europe ate 'em.

He always made
it sound so special.

He always made
everything sound...

so damned special.

Oh, God, why didn't
I go when he called?

Why didn't I go?

And this is the living room.

Oh, Blanche, it's a lovely home.

I better go check and see if
the water for our tea is boiling.

There's so many memories
connected to this room.

We used to have our big
family reunions in here.

Generations of Hollingsworths would
gather round Big Daddy with his bourbon.

While he sat there in
front of a roaring fire

regaling everybody with
stories of the Old South,

I'd sneak away up to my room

and make out with
cousin Abernathy.

The room has that
sense of tradition.

Virginia. Hello,
Blanche, Dorothy.

Virginia, so sorry
about your father.

Thank you. Nice of you to come.

I was just going to make tea.
Anybody want anything else?

Oh, not me, thank
you. I'm too upset to eat.

I may never eat again. Blanche.

Oh, you're right, I should
keep up my strength.

Dorothy, something
with frosting.

Come here, sister,
and give me a big hug.

It's just a little late to be sharing a
beautiful moment, don't you think?

Where were you,
Blanche? He wanted you.

He did not sound
that sick on the phone.

Besides, I told him I'd
be here to see him soon.

And don't you get
so righteous with me.

Plenty of times you
weren't there for him.

What are you talking about?

Always trying to make me
out to be the inconsiderate one.

I remember when you were 16

and didn't come
home for Father's Day.

I was away at school. Oh, yes.

The Good Samaritan
Academy for the Knocked-Up.

Two, four, six, eight, all us
girls are three months late.

That was wonderful for him.

Didn't hurt him half as
much as when you were 18,

went off to Europe
with that guy, Phil.

It was Philippe.

And Big Daddy understood
how romantic it was

to go live in Copenhagen
with a tortured painter.

He painted houses, Blanche.

You are the one who has never
been here for the family. You.

I have always been
here for this family,

and how dare you say otherwise.

Everything you
do is for Blanche.

To tell you the
truth, I am surprised

that you even made
it to the funeral at all.

Maybe you would have been
happier if I hadn't. Maybe not happier.

But at least this family would
be able to grieve for Big Daddy

without wondering
what is in it for Blanche.

Oh, fine. You don't have
a thing to worry about.

You won't have to
think about Blanche.

Because if you're gonna be
at that funeral I refuse to go.

OK, I want to go over a
few of the house rules.

You share the bathroom
with Dorothy's room.

The people across the
street are out of town

so you can use their pool.

They're friends of ours, so try
and pick up after yourselves.



Oh! Oh, I'm sorry,

but you're not supposed
to eat off that plate.

That's Blanche's
Citrus Festival plate.

Are you staying here too?

We're in the room
at the end of the hall.

I'm Peter, this is
my wife, Maddy.

What room are you in?

I'd better check.

Sophia, who are Peter and Maddy

and why are they
staying in Blanche's room?

Because Dorothy's room and
your room are already rented.

Well, where am I gonna sleep?

I could rent you
half of my room.

Sophia, you can't do
this. Dorothy said...

Forget about what Dorothy
said. What do you want me to do?

Kick them out? There's
not a room in town.

These people come
from a small town in Iowa,

much like St. Olaf.


I don't lie about
stuff like this, Rose.

The good people in that
town saved and sacrificed

so that Peter and Maddy could have
one weekend of fun before his operation.

Well, he looks fine.

Oh, tell him that.

Look, call me crazy. I
don't see anything wrong

with giving a
veteran his last wish,

and making some dough.

Well, I guess they can stay.

Thank you, Rose. Here, take
this out there, make sure they pay.

Oh, I don't think it's
right to charge them.

Neither do I, but he hates pity.

I understand.

What a tool.

Blanche, if you want
to change your mind,

there's still time to
get to the funeral.

Dorothy, come look
at these old pictures.

I'm about ten
years old in this one.

Big Daddy just taught
me how to ride a horse.

You were quite a little
porker back then, weren't you?

I was a little
chunky, that's all.

Blanche, the horse's
eyes are crossed.

Oh, no.

You were fat.

Every little girl goes
through that ugly stage.

Ugly, yes. But
this is ugly and fat.

All right.

You seem to be getting a little bit
too much pleasure out of all this.

Sorry, Blanche. It's just that
you've always described yourself

as being a great beauty.

It's interesting to
see that you were...

Plump. Fat.

Enough. I'm sorry.

Fat, fat, water rat,
50 bullets in your hat.


All right, I'll stop. I'll stop.

But could I have a copy of this?

All right, I was
fat. I can say it.

But only because I blossomed

into the extraordinary
woman I am today.

Well, Big Daddy didn't care.
He always said I was beautiful.

He was so proud.

You know, there's nobody to be proud
of me anymore, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You know, when
anything good happens to me,

I still can't wait to tell Ma.

Listen, Blanche, I think
you have to go to the funeral.

You wanted to be there for
him, be there for him now.

Don't let this argument with
Virginia stand in your way.

Blanche, you're never
gonna feel complete

until you get to say goodbye.

You don't understand. If I
go to that funeral, he's dead.

Blanche, he is.

Look here. This is when I
was crowned Azalea Queen.

Wasn't I beautiful then?

And you still haven't lost it.

Actually, this picture was
taken two years after I lost it.


Look. Aw!

(people singing) ♪ The first marine
he found the bean, parlez-vous?

♪ The second marine, he
cooked the bean, parlez-vous?

♪ The third marine, he ate the
bean, rolled over the submarine

♪ Inky-dinky parlez-vous?

(laughing and cheering)

Oh, nice people.

Sophia, you didn't say anything
about parties in the house.

Oh, so Peter and Maddy
are having a few friends over.

We're making a bundle.

Boy, I wish we had thought
of putting in a pay toilet.

(phone rings)


It was Dorothy. Hide me.

(phone rings)

Rose, you answer it.
I'm not gonna answer it.

I don't want to have to lie
for you. It's your daughter.

We're not that close.

You better answer it the next
time. She's gonna get mad.

(phone rings)


Oh, hello, Dorothy.

No, it didn't ring here. Why?

No, everything's fine here.

Sophia? (whispers)
Tell her I'm in church.

(whispers) She's in church.

I said, she's in church.

No, things couldn't be better
here. How's it going there?

Oh, that's good. Then
I'll see you tomorrow.

Give my love to Blanche.


I hate lying! It goes
against my nature.

I guess that's because
growing up in St. Olaf,

one day every year,

they'd gather all the children
who lied in the town square

and the mayor
would point at them.

(plate breaking)

Uh, you got any glue?


Blanche's plate! What
are we gonna tell her?

The truth. Good.

I just need a few
minutes to come up with it.

These are for you, Mama.

Hi, Big Daddy.

I couldn't go home
without telling you

why I didn't come
to your funeral.

Same old reason.
I was being selfish.

Thinking too much
about how I was feeling,

instead of coming out here
to pay my loving respects.

You know, going through those
photograph albums yesterday, with Dorothy,

I realized that I haven't
always been easy to love.

Oh, I was a horrible child.

Rebellious, difficult.

But you always made
me feel loved and beautiful.

Even when I did
make it hard on you.

I know I haven't always
given much back, honey.

I was always so
worried about me.

Why, I couldn't even
come and see you

when you needed
me, before you died,

'cause I was all caught
up in that old silly ball.

There is no excuse for that.

Although I was the ball
queen, did I tell you that?

Oh, that's right, I did.

Well, here I am, all
caught up in myself still.

Fighting with Virginia
and the rest of the family

when we ought to be
comforting each other.

I just feel like such a fool.

I would give up everything that I
ever thought meant anything to me

if I could have one
moment with you.

I don't know if love can
help you, wherever you are,

but if it can,
honey, you got it.

'Cause Big Daddy, I
do love you so much.

I just wish there was some way I could
know you're hearing what I'm saying.

Blanche... Oh, Lordy...

Why, Dorothy, what are
you doing? I'm sorry, honey.

Cab driver says we'd better get
going if we want to make our plane.

Big Daddy, you remember Dorothy.


Honey, I have to go now.

You're in my prayers.

You take good care of
him, Mama. You hear me?

I love you.

I love you both.

I'm nobody's
little girl anymore.

Rose, this was a great
weekend! We made $1700.

So I can get my TV.

And I've worked out what we
can tell Blanche about that plate.

I wrote it down.

You be Rose, why
don't I be Sophia.

This is what we'll say right
after they walk in the door.

"Hi, Blanche.
You look beautiful.

Welcome home. I love you."

"I broke the plate. I'm
such a clumsy fool."

OK. Now you can
skip down to here.

I'm not gonna do this!

You gotta. (doorbell)

If it's the writing,
I can punch it up.

Did you call about buying the
Citrus Festival plate? Yes, I did.

Oh, Rose. You're beautiful.

How much do you want for
it? Well, they're pretty rare.

There's only five of
these. I'd say $2000.

$2000 a plate? What is
this? A Republican fundraiser?

Look, these plates
are collector's items.

I'm only doing this because
you've said you're in a jam.

Sir, we have $1700
cash. That's it.

I'll take it. Give him
the money, Sophia.

But my TV.

How about a hundred dollars
and we'll show you a good time?

Give him the money.

Nice doing business with you.

Hello, everybody. Hello
there. Who was that?

Gasman. Oh.

Oh, it's so good to
see you both home.

We took good care
of your plate, Blanche.

Oh, thanks. You know, I
became a new person on this trip.

I realized that we
have so little time

while we're here together,

we must cherish each
and every moment.

Now, this plate
represents the old me.

I feel wonderful. I could
go for some cheesecake.

What is this? Sarcasm?