The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 15 - Valentine's Day - full transcript

The girls Valentine's Day dates all stand them up, so they sit around, eat cheesecake, and look back at memorable Valentine's Days past.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true



♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

What did you get?

I'm not sure. I
think it's coconut.

It's white on the inside but there's
a red ring around the outside.

Oh, that's my lipstick.
I don't like coconut.

That's disgusting!

That piece of chocolate was in
your mouth and I just put it in mine.



Big deal. We took a bite out of the same
piece of chocolate. Call C. Everett Koop.

I only breast-fed you for two years of
your life. You wanna talk disgusting?

That's disgusting. All
right. Enough already.

Don't take it out on me because your
date dumped you on Valentine's Day.

Edgar did not dump me.

He and his lawyer were called
out of town on urgent business.

Oh, please. The man
sells birdbaths for a living.

What happened - a sparrow
slipped and is suing him?

I can't believe it.

Raymond called. He's got the flu

and he can't take me to the
big Valentine's Day dance.

I guess I'll be keeping
you company, Dorothy.

Why do you automatically
assume that I don't have a date?

She assumes there are
seven days in a week.

Have a chocolate, Ma.

The doctor didn't know
what he was talking about

when he said they
were bad for you.

Well, have you ever seen anything more
devastatingly beautiful in all your life?

Gosh, let's see. Um...

That was a rhetorical
question, Rose.

When are your dates
picking you two up?

We don't have
any dates, Blanche.

No dates? On Valentine's
Day? Oh, you poor things.

Oh, I feel awful for you.

Well, the important thing is to keep
your spirits up and don't get upset.

Oh. (phone rings)

Hello. Oh, hello, Steve.
I'm all ready to go...

What are you talking about?
I spent all day getting ready.

Oh, I could just
scratch your eyes out.

I hate you, I hate you,
I hate you. Drop dead.

What's wrong? Nothing.

Well, don't wait up.
I'll, uh... Good night.

Blanche. Steve called and
canceled your date, didn't he?

Yes. How did you
know that, Dorothy?

I'm clairvoyant, Rose.

You're so lucky. I get into
a pool, I sink like a stone.

But how did you
know about Blanche?

I cannot believe this.

Stuck here on Valentine's
Day with the three of you.

Oh, this is the
worst day of my life.

Quit complaining. There
are worse things that

can happen to you on
Valentine's Day. I know.

Was there ever a Valentine's
Day when you didn't have a date?

Please. Until I was 80 I was
combing geezers out of my blue rinse.

I'm talking about something
that happened a long time ago.

My Sal and I were driving my
father cross-country to a wedding

when we had some car trouble.

Of course, Sal and Papa
never got along anyway,

so there was trouble even
before we left Brooklyn.

But once we hit Chicago, the
car started making a strange noise.

What are you looking at?

You don't have to pretend
you know about cars.

You wanna impress me, learn to
eat with a fork instead of a bread crust.

If you ask me, he ran out
of gas. Nobody asked you.

Was I talking to you?
I'm talking to my daughter.

To me, you don't exist.

Then who's driving you to your
niece's wedding in California?

You're upsetting Papa. Please
find a mechanic. It's freezing in here.

Of course it's freezing in here.

Mr. Ziti-for-Brains
decides to take a shortcut

through Chicago in
the dead of winter.

Pop, he didn't plan it
that way. He lost the map.

He didn't know
where he was going.

I could've told him
where he was going.

I told you where he was
going the first time I met him.

Nowhere. That's
where he was going.

You married a bum.

Excuse me. We're having
a problem with the car.

I'm sorry, I'm starting
my lunch break.

When I get back, I got
three jobs ahead of yous.

Beautiful. Just what I
always dreamed about -

spending the winter in Chicago.

And, of course, the
volcano season in Pompeii.

Look, uh, here's two bucks.

Would you lend me your
tools while you're gone?

Help yourself, buddy. Yeah.

When you want a beer you ask
me which end of the opener to use.

What the hell are you
gonna do with his tools?

Relax. I'll have us
out of here in no time.

The same words he used
when he moved you into

that crummy cold-water
flat 12 years ago.

Papa, he's trying his best.

And that doesn't scare you?

You're not being fair. You've never
really given Salvadore a chance.

You know, I don't understand
what you see in this man.

It's not something I can explain.
Everything you say about him is true.

Lord knows, he's
not terribly bright.

He's not terribly good-looking
and not much of a provider.

But I love him anyway.
I don't know why.

It's... the little things.
You know what I mean?

I gotta take a leak.

Can you find the bathroom?
If not, I'll find a wall.

Sal, you having any
luck under there?

To be perfectly honest, no.

No? You botchagaloop.
Can't you do anything right?

I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry.

You're hungry?

Here. What's this?

Today's Thursday.
Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day is...

Wait. We left Brooklyn
the 11th, so this...

Sal.

You planned this three days
ago before we left Brooklyn.

Yeah. I hid it under the seat
when I was loading the suitcases.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sophia.

I think this is what I was
trying to explain to Papa.

Come here, you big lug.

(gunfire)

OK, I'm ready. Let's go.
Papa, what was that noise?

My guess is machine guns.

What? I'm in the back
looking for the john, OK?

I see a bunch of guys
lined up facing the wall,

so I figure the
toilet is broken,

so I'm gonna wait in place
behind one of these guys.

Suddenly, someone's
yelling to me,

"Get outta there. You
don't belong here."

I say, "Wait a minute.

I've peed against better
walls than this in my time,"

when I see he's
holding a machine gun.

So I decide to take
his advice. I move.

Rat-a-tat-tat, everybody's falling
- like flies on your Aunt Regine.

You're letting your
imagination run wild, Papa.

This is Chicago, not Sicily.

You're just a little
homesick, that's all.

(gunfire)

I saw another garage a
couple of blocks away.

The car's not running.
Hey, who cares? I am.

Ma, that never happened.

You were not at the St.
Valentine's Day massacre.

I didn't say I was at the St.
Valentine's Day massacre.

I said I was at a St.
Valentine's Day massacre.

It was Chicago, and in those
days Chicago stood for two things.

What were they? How the hell should
I know? What am I, Studs Terkel?

I forgot.

Well, let's not just sit around
wasting time eating chocolates.

Let's do something constructive.

You wanna eat some ice
cream? Mm, that's not a bad idea.

OK, Rose, go get it. I'm too
weak from disappointment.

I'm disappointed, too.

So what? Dorothy,
make her get it.

Get it, Rose.

Why are you two
being so mean to me?

Because we're in bad moods.

And because we remember what
you did to us last Valentine's Day.

You promised you'd
never bring that up again.

What happened?

You don't remember what
happened last Valentine's Day?

Please. I'm 82.

Be thankful I remember not to wear
my underwear outside of my dress.

Most of the time.
Tell your story.

Last St. Valentine's
Day the three of us

thought it might be fun to
go away for the weekend.

So we went away to this cute
little woodsy mountain retreat.

Well, when we got there
were we in for a surprise.

Isn't this lodge great?
Oh, boy, it sure is.

It's just so beautiful up here.

The fresh air, the
wide open spaces...

You know, being in the mountains
always puts me in a romantic mood.

Dorothy, did you ever make
love on top of a mountain?

No. The closest I ever came was making
love of top of a fat guy called Old Smoky.

Let's check in.

(bell rings)

(man) Hello, ladies.
Welcome to Sunny Meadows.

Oh, thank you. We... Whoa!

His klingenspritzer's showing.

Excuse me. Where would
you like me to put this?

Oh, well, buy me a
drink and we'll talk.

Blanche. I'm sorry.

Um, just hold onto it. Uh,
them. I mean the bags.

Where do you put your tips?

Who cares? What
is going on here?

Obviously there's
some confusion.

Sunny Meadows is a
clothing-optional resort.

You mean a nudist camp?
Oh, well, we didn't know that.

Who made the reservation?

Well, don't look at me. Rose,
you made the reservation.

I know. I just don't
want you looking at me.

Look, I'm terribly sorry about
the mix-up, but this is not for us.

We'd like to leave.

I'm afraid you're with
us for the night, ladies.

The bus doesn't leave down the
mountain till tomorrow morning.

Ladies, may I show
you to your room?

Just point the way.

Oh, good, it's on
the second floor.

Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this
is a great Valentine's weekend.

Stuck in a hotel at a
nudist camp for ten hours.

I'm sorry, Dorothy. It's all my
fault. I misunderstood the brochure.

"Fun in the buff at
a mountain retreat.

"Hike, swim and play volleyball

while the sun beats
down on your fanny."

Call David Horowitz. I mean, how can
they get away with this misrepresentation?

I don't understand how
people can run around

showing their naked
bodies to total strangers.

It's disgusting. It's sickening.

It's terrible. Yoo-hoo!

Blanche, would you please get away
from that window for two seconds?

Come here. I want you to
see this guy playing volleyball.

Blanche, will you stop
acting like a teenager?

You have seen naked men
before. What is the big deal?

Whoa.

Is that a legal serve?

Everybody seems to be
having such a good time.

You know, the more
you stare at everyone,

the more natural it seems.

I have been thinking
exactly the same thing.

Hey, why don't we just put our
inhibitions aside and have some fun?

Yeah. I mean, we don't
know anybody here,

and we'll never see any
of these people again.

I'm really getting kinda hungry.

I wouldn't mind getting
something to eat.

All right. Then I say we
just cast caution to the wind,

get butt naked and
have a good time.

If I had a dollar for every time you
said that, I'd be a wealthy woman.

I'm starting to chicken out.

Now, Rose. Don't
you be self-conscious.

There's probably
lots of people here

with bodies worse than
yours and Dorothy's.

Well, then... let's just do it.

OK.

OK, we're almost
there. Here we go.

No, wait a minute.

Blanche, come
on, this is ridiculous.

We can't go through
an entire dinner

holding these
hearts in front of us.

Dorothy's right. How
will we cut our meat?

Well, look, either we
do this or we don't do it.

Now, what's it gonna be?

We go at the count of three.

Ready?

One, two, three!

Excuse me, ladies, but we
always dress for dinner here.

And in your case,
we'd appreciate it

if you'd do that
for all three meals.

Oh, look, what are we sitting
around here all depressed about?

Just 'cause it's Valentine's Day and
our dates dumped us? Yes, Blanche.

I wanted to hear it out loud before
I had another bowl of ice cream.

I have an idea.

Let's go out to dinner and
celebrate Valentine's Day ourselves.

Just 'cause we don't have dates
doesn't mean we can't have a good time.

It doesn't? Rose is right.

I mean, this is
hardly a disaster.

We're not the only women who
don't have dates on Valentine's Day.

Ma, you wanna join us?

I can't. I have a date.

You do?

She's making that
up to annoy us.

No, I'm not. I have a date.

What's his name?

I can't tell you.

Have I met him?

No, he's from outta town.

Where is he taking you?

I'm not allowed to
say. Security reasons.

Ma, none of this is
true. OK. I'll tell you.

It's Julio Iglesias.
You satisfied?

Make the reservation for four.

She'll tell us the truth
when she gets hungry.

That is the truth.

He was visiting his
aunt at the center.

He said he liked my spunk.

I guess it's not easy for anybody to
accept being dateless on Valentine's Day.

What's so special
about this day anyway?

Honey, it's the most
romantic day of the year.

George proposed to
me on Valentine's Day.

We know. You told us.

So what? You don't
have anywhere to go.

I wasn't gonna tell
you about that night,

I was gonna tell you about
another night many years later.

Same little romantic bar
where George proposed.

My finest champagne...
and two glasses.

Very romantic.

Well, it is St.
Valentine's Day, after all.

You can pour both of them.
I'm not expecting anybody.

It is St. Valentine's Day,
lady, not St. Patrick's Day.

I'm not gonna drink them
both. I'm just celebrating.

My husband proposed to me in
this very bar on St. Valentine's Day.

After that, we sort of made it a
tradition and came back every year,

so since he passed away I've just
continued the tradition by myself.

Oh.

That's so romantic,
proposing over champagne.

I never think of
things like that.

I'm gonna ruin this
whole night, I know it.

Wait, don't tell me you're
thinking of popping the question

right here on St. Valentine's
Day, just like George did?

Yeah. But now I'm thinking
maybe it's a bad idea.

No, no. Don't be nervous.

Don't you see? This
was meant to happen.

I'm here to help you. I can tell
you everything George said to me.

I don't know if that will work.
Sure it will. Oh, come on, now.

We may be from different generations
but some things never change.

Love is love, period.

Yeah, I suppose, but
every couple is different.

You just listen. We
were sitting right here.

George took my
hand in both of his

and looked deep
into my eyes and...

and he said, "You know,
Blanche, you're a very special lady."

And then he said how he
just couldn't bear the thought

of spending even one day out of the
rest of his life without me right there.

And then he said:

"Blanche, would you be my wife?"

And... after I stopped
crying I said yes.

Blanche, you're right.
Love is love, period.

Some things never change.
I'm gonna go through with it.

Well, good for you. Here.
And thank you for listening.

Oh, Victor, come
on. Let's get a table.

There's something
I have to tell you.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe
some things do change.

Blanche, what a
lovely, sweet story.

Tell me, did his
girlfriend ever show up?

You're right, Blanche.
Some things never change.

My date'll be here
soon. I'd better get ready.

Oh, Ma, will you knock it off?

Ah, you're right. At 82
what am I gonna get ready?

I always have my purse, and I shouldn't
pee until he's got the motor running.

At any age you oughta be
ready for your date, Sophia.

Blanche, she
doesn't have a date.

No, I was thinking
more about that time

that the three of us
were getting ready

to go away on that Valentine's
Day cruise with our steadies.

Oh, I remember that.

And we were picking up some
odds and ends at the drugstore.

OK, we have the
suntan lotion, Chap Stick,

and half a dozen cheap,
tawdry romance novels.

We're all set. We have
everything for the cruise.

Maybe we don't have
everything we need.

Why? What are we missing?

We are going away for a
romantic weekend to the Bahamas

with Jeff and Rich and Randy.

In this day and age it
might be a good idea

to take along some protection.

What kind of protection?

Two armed Pinkerton guards.

No, Blanche is
talking about, uh...

A Nestlé's Crunch?

One over.

An enema bag?

To the right. Dentu-Grip?

Condoms, Rose. Condoms,
condoms, condoms!

Calm down, lady.

You just get outta prison?

Girls. What do you think?

Well, it's not a
bad idea, but...

I'm a little embarrassed.
Oh, me too.

Embarrassed? There's no
reason to be embarrassed.

These are discreet professionals.
This is a private matter.

Whatever we buy is
nobody's business but our own.

I'd like a package
of these, please.

And, uh, I'll take these.

And I'll take these.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Uh, Joe, I need a price
check on some condoms.

These three ladies here want a couple
of boxes of the King George prophylactics.

(Joe) The lambskins
or the ultrasensitive?

Two of 'em have the lambskins
and the blonde has the ultrasensitive,

in black.

(Joe) The lambskins are $12.95
and the black's a dollar extra.

Look at all these people staring
at us. Oh, this is humiliating.

I've never been so
embarrassed in my life.

All right, just what in hell
are all of you staring at?

Haven't you ever seen
three vibrant, healthy,

sexually active women before?

We are embarking on a weekend cruise
with some longtime gentlemen friends,

and if we decide to be
intimate, then we'll be prepared.

We're not embarrassed, we're not
uncomfortable, we are not humiliated.

We're gonna walk outta here
today with our heads held high,

secure in the knowledge that what we have
done is morally and socially responsible.

Isn't that right, girls?

I have no idea
who this woman is.

I bought these for my brother.

Rose. Rose!

I was never so
embarrassed in my entire life.

But it did turn out to be a
lovely Valentine's cruise.

Well, it did not.

We never even had
to use those condoms.

You didn't? I used
every one of mine.

Late at night I
filled 'em with water

and threw 'em at the
people in the limbo line.

(doorbell)

I wonder who that could
be? Probably my date.

Don't make a fuss over him. Your fiery
Latin entertainers have a very short fuse.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Raymond, I thought
you were sick.

And I thought you had to work.

You told me you had a
last-minute emergency.

So they're all liars. That's an asset
when you're planning a surprise like this.

We've got reservations
for dinner and dancing.

Ma, I bet you were in on
this all along, weren't you?

Of course I was. These
dimwits' idea of romance

is a Coors Light and
a Love Boat rerun.

All right, let's go. The
limousine's waiting.

You little devils, you.

Wait a minute. Honey, are you
sure you don't wanna join us?

You got a marzipan
bar in your ear?

I told you. I've got a
date with... you-know-who.

Ma, we love you.

Yeah, right. Oh...
You fell for it. I did.

(knock at door)

Julio? (man) Hello, Sophia.

Why didn't you use the front
door? I didn't want to be seen.

Well, what's the point in going out with
Julio Iglesias if no one's gonna see us?

Tell me. No.

Once we hit the deli,

I'd appreciate it if you'd serenade
me with "Begin the Beguine."

All right. We sing
together. Oh, come on.

Let's try it together.

♪ When they beguine

♪ The beguine
That's it. Perfect.

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