The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 14 - Love Me Tender - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

He should have been
here a half-hour ago.

Dorothy, according to
the rules of etiquette,



you should never wait more
than 20 minutes for a date.

She's already waited six months
for a date. What's another half-hour?

I hate blind dates.

You know, Ma, I never
would have agreed to this

if it wasn't your best friend
Edna's good-looking doctor nephew.

Aw, he wasn't available anymore.

He decided to buy a
woman from the Philippines.

Actually, he bought two women.

He wanted an extra
for formal occasions.

Then who is this guy? To tell
you the truth, I was on the bus...

Wait a minute.

You set Dorothy up with
some guy you met on a bus?

Please, it wasn't
that glamorous.

I saw a sign on the bus.



It said, "Lonely? Can't make
connections with that special person?"

So I took $20 out of your
purse, sent in a picture,

they ran it through the computer
and boom, you got a social life.

Ma, I cannot believe you sent
my picture in to a total stranger.

I didn't send in your picture, I sent
the picture that came with my wallet.

Ma, I am furious with you.

Think how mad your
date's gonna be when he

finds out he's not going
out with Janet Gaynor.

(doorbell rings) Oh, God!

Dorothy, just remember how
important first impressions are, honey.

Stand up straight. Put
your left hand on your hip.

Now, strike a very
sexy, sultry pose.

(seductively) Hello.

Hi, Dorothy.

What's wrong with your hip?

I was hoping you'd
be my date, Rose.

Oh, gee, I'm busy tonight. But maybe
you could try me again next week.

What's in the box, Rose?

Brochures for the
"Be a Pal" program.

I'm mailing them out.
How does that work?

Well, you just put 'em in an envelope
and you stick a stamp on them.

Not that, you idiot. Oh,
the "Be a Pal" program?

Well, each week, you get a
motherless girl and be her pal.

Help her with her homework
and take her to movies

and have dinner together.

That's very interesting. Maybe
I could get involved with that.

You, Blanche? Sure.

Why, nothing would be more
satisfying than to be of loving service

to a lonely, motherless child.

Of course, I'll have to see pictures
of the father before I commit.

If you're interested, I could call
and see about sending over two girls.

Great. Count me
in. (doorbell rings)

Hi, I'm Eddie.

It took a computer
to come up with this?

I'm Dorothy. These are my
friends, Blanche and Rose.

Hello, there. How do you do?

Eddie, I hope you're not
too terribly disappointed.

My mother wasn't exactly
honest in sending in that picture.

I knew that.

I have quite a few Janet Gaynors
in frames around my house.

Believe me, when you've been in a
deep depression for a year and a half,

nothing fazes you.

Well...

Eddie, what wonderful things
have you got planned for tonight?

Nothing. I was gonna cancel,
but my therapist wouldn't let me.

Perhaps if we spoke
to him together?

I'm sorry. I'm still
not really recovered.

You see, after 25 years of marriage, my
wife Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.

That's terrible. Married 25 years and
she doesn't know your name is Eddie?

Well, I guess I
have to feed you.

Let's go look for a
place to eat, Roberta.

No, no. Her name's Dorothy.
Your ex-wife is Roberta.

Sure. Rub my nose in it.

Morning, Blanche. You're up
early. I'm making a list of things

to do with our little pals.
I just hope I'm good at it.

With all that enthusiasm,
I'm sure you will be.

I just wanna make a difference
in the lives of these youngsters.

I wanna teach 'em,
I wanna mold 'em.

I wanna become a positive influence
on every aspect of their young lives.

It is only one afternoon
a week, isn't it?

Dorothy Zbornak,
are you just getting in?

No, Blanche. I got up
early and went jogging

in a park with a
really strict dress code.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need some coffee.

What's the number of the
police station? Is anything wrong?

No, I just wanna find out
where I can buy the best donuts.

Of course something is wrong!

Dorothy never came home.

Yes, she did.
She's in the kitchen.

All right, spill it. I want
details. Yes, so do I.

Oh, me too. Well,
there is not much to tell.

Eddie took me to the restaurant
where he had met his ex-wife Roberta.

I would think going there
would just remind him of her.

It did. Especially since she owns it,
runs it and calls the place Roberta's.

As she was seating us, he
begged her to come back to him.

And after he had wept
over his crab cakes,

I begged her to
come back to him.

I guess you're not
gonna see him again.

Oh, yes. Yes, I will. What?

Listen, pussycat, it's been a long
time since you've been out on a date.

And it's quite possible you can no
longer judge a good one from a bad one.

So let me be of help.

Bad date, Dorothy.
Bad, bad date.

What did you do
the rest of the night?

I tried to comfort him. I
must have lost track of time

'cause next thing I
knew it was morning.

Oh, I better get some rest.
We're meeting for lunch.

I don't get it. They don't seem
to have anything in common.

I guess it's just like that
old saying: opposites attract.

That's very true.
Back in St. Olaf

Ollie Canudenspringle and his wife
Bridget were opposites in every way.

I mean, he was
fat, she was thin.

He was neat, she was sloppy.
He was tall, she was short.

He was cheap, she
was extravagant.

He was... Opposites.
We get the picture.

Anyway, I'll never forget the time
they sang at our annual talent show,

right after the
herring juggling act.

You mean to tell me that
somebody actually juggled herring?

No.

It was the herring
who did the juggling.

Tiny little Ginsu knives.

Really very dangerous.
I mean, one false move,

they could have
filleted themselves.

I hate you.

Anyway...

(doorbell rings) Oh,
good. Here they are.

Come in, girls.

I'm Marla, this is Jackie. We're
from the "Be a Pal" program.

Yes, and I'm Blanche.

I just knew when I heard your voice
on the phone that you'd be pretty.

Oh, well, thank you.

Rose, this is my
little pal Jackie.

And your little pal Marla.
Hi, Marla. Come on, sit down.

Now, is there anything special
you girls feel like doing today?

Would it be too
much to see a movie?

Oh, no. We can go
see Oliver & Company

or Roger Rabbit.

Or Tequila Sunrise. I hear Mel
Gibson takes his shirt off a lot.

You know, Jackie, I think you
and I are gonna get along just fine.

Well, just let me
freshen my makeup.

Girls, why don't you come
with me and I'll show you how

I transform myself into a
fresh-faced, innocent, young thing?

Could you skip the
"innocent" part, Blanche?

The show starts in two hours.

Hi, Rose. Blanche around?

She's showing the girls some makeup
tricks before we go to the movies.

Anything I can do? No, thanks.
I need to talk to somebody.

Oh, I get it.

You have a problem and you don't think I'm
sophisticated or worldly enough to help.

Oh, Rose, I'm sorry.
You got a minute?

Sure, Dorothy.

It's about Eddie.

You know, I've been
seeing him for a week now.

I'm having a
relationship with him

like I've never had with
a man before in my life.

It is purely physical.

Eddie is the greatest
lover I have ever had.

Come on, Dorothy. If we're gonna
do this, you have to tell me the truth.

No, I am telling you the truth.

Honey, there is more to
Eddie than meets the eye.

But the only thing we have in
common is under the sheets.

What's under the sheets?

His cappuccino maker.

Sex, Rose. I am talking sex.

We don't go to dinner,
we don't go to the movies,

we just go to bed
and it is terrific.

All that and cappuccino too?

Well, what's the problem?

Did I say there was a problem?

You wanted to talk about it.

Can't one have a discussion
without there being a problem?

I thought maybe you
were feeling guilty. Guilty?

I have nothing to feel guilty about.
I am having the time of my life.

I just wanted to, you
know, say it out loud.

But, listen, honey. Don't
mention this to anybody.

It's a thing that most people
probably wouldn't understand.

Don't worry, Dorothy. Rose
Nylund can keep a secret.

Do you know what the name
Nylund means in Norwegian?

No.

Well, I'm not telling you.

How do I look? Great, Dorothy.
You going out with Eddie?

Yes. Oh, by the way, Blanche,

I borrowed your gold
earrings, if that's OK?

Oh, it's fine, but I do
think I should caution you -

they were meant for petite ears.

They'll just have to do until
Disney unveils their Dumbo line.

I'd better grab something to
eat before Eddie gets here.

Wait a minute. Why don't
you just go out to eat?

There never seems
to be enough time.

You know, there's something
rotten in the state of Denmark.

It's their cheese.

They refuse to
use preservatives.

I mean between
Dorothy and Eddie.

There is something
peculiar in that relationship.

You're right. And I'm
gonna find out what it is

or my name isn't
Sophia... Sophia...

Sophia Petrillo. Oh, yeah.

Maybe the doctor is right. Maybe
I do need all three pills a day.

Dorothy will never
tell her. Tell her what?

The secret... that I don't know.

Rose.

There's something you
know that you're not telling me.

You can ask me all the questions
you want, you'll never break me.

So you're not in love with
this Eddie guy? Oh, no, Ma.

Then why are you spending
all your time with him?

Eddie's a love machine?

I'm sorry, Dorothy. I
held out as long as I could.

She said she'd tickle me.

You're a regular
Nelson Mandela, Rose.

So that's it? Lust.

Look, Ma, I am a grown
woman and I have needs.

Needs? You need
food. You need air.

You need a better wrinkle cream.

You don't need sport nookie.

This is wrong for
you. Wrong for me?

This is why I didn't tell you
about this in the first place.

You are always criticizing
me, you are always judging me,

you are always
telling me what to do.

This time I'm going to
do what feels right for me,

and there's nothing you can say
that'll make me feel guilty about it.

Boy, I wish I'd married Bing
Crosby when I had the chance.

Why? Because he was
such a strict disciplinarian?

No, because now I'd be a wealthy
widow with my own place in Pebble Beach,

so I wouldn't have
to listen to that crap.

I just haven't
found a thing today.

I don't look right in
American clothes.

I have a more European body.

Oh, in Europe, do they
all have big butts too?

Hi, Blanche. Hi, Rose.

Where on earth
have you girls been?

We were helping elderly people
get a good grip on the escalator.

We just lost all track of time.

How sweet. Isn't that sweet?

Can you guys hold our bags? We wanna
go toss a few pennies in the fountain.

I'm gonna make a wish
that we stay pals forever.

Oh, sweetie. We'll
see you in the car.

OK, bye. Bye.

Aren't they the greatest? Yes.

Looks like I've been a
good influence on them.

(alarm beeps)

Excuse me, ladies. I
need to inspect your bag.

I thought you were both asleep.
Why are you just getting in?

Because the justice
system in America

is an imperfect and sluggish
piece of antiquated machinery.

What?

We were in the slammer.

Our cute little "pals"
stole some merchandise

and made us the fall guys.

We have to appear in
court at noon tomorrow.

And where were you?
We were calling all night.

I was out with Eddie.
Actually, I just got home myself.

I wonder why
Sophia didn't answer.

She probably thought it was me
calling and decided not to answer.

It's a little guilt trick she's
used on me ever since I was 15.

That and having major surgery
and telling me about it two days later.

Sometimes she didn't
even need the surgery.

That's guilt.

Well, the days of my mother
making me feel guilty are over.

There is nothing wrong with
my relationship with Eddie,

and if my mother can't buy it,
I'm very sorry, it is her problem.

Oh, just getting in?

Listen, if you three are just
gonna use this place days,

would you mind if I got one of
those medical emergency beepers?

I'd feel terrible if one morning
you found me on the doorstep

instead of the Miami Herald.

Ma, it's not gonna work.

I do not feel guilty
about staying out all night

and I do not feel
guilty about Eddie.

Don't underestimate me. I
could make you feel guilty

about bombing Pearl
Harbor if I wanted.

The point is, I don't
want you to feel guilty.

There's nothing wrong
with a physical relationship.

Well, then, what about
what you said last night?

If you had let me finish my
thought, Colonel Gaddafi,

you might have understood.

I said I thought this kind of
relationship was wrong for you.

Well, it's not. Dorothy,
I'm your mother.

I know you. You're a
loving and sensitive person.

But this isn't gonna
be enough someday.

You'll be bored and dissatisfied
and you'll end up unhappy.

I'd hate to see that
happen to you, pussycat.

But if you think
you can handle that,

just look me straight in the
eye and I'll drop the whole thing.

Ma... I can handle that.

Both eyes.

Oh, Ma, I hate it when you're right, and
I guess I knew you were right all along.

What are you gonna do, Dorothy?

Well, I'll have to
have a talk with Eddie.

I mean, it is obvious that this
relationship has to... taper off.

All right, I'll end it.

Girls, I know you're gonna
go to court and tell the truth.

We'd like to, but we
could get in some trouble.

You see, most of the judges
at juvenile court know us.

I think we've worn
out our cute act.

Now, you listen to
me, you little monsters.

If you think we'll be your patsies,
you've have another thing coming.

Maybe some cookies and
milk'd change your mind.

Here, how about $50 and you
tell the truth. What do you say?

Are you trying to bribe us?

Oh, yeah. You catch on quick.

Make it 150... each.

Oh, you little pirates.

All right, you've got
it. Now, get out of here.

Thank you, Blanche. Oh, beat it!

I can't believe you did that.

Don't worry. That check was written on our
vacation account that we closed last week.

The bank would sooner cash a
check from Jim and Tammy Bakker.

Where are the girls?

Oh, they had a
sudden change of heart.

They decided to
confess. (doorbell rings)

Oh, God, that's Eddie. I don't
know if I can go through with this.

Don't worry. We're both right
beside you to help you through it.

It's not that easy. Eddie has some
kind of a strange hold over me.

Baloney. Eddie is just a
man, cut from the same cloth

as the many men who have
dumped you over the years.

Just think of him as
all those men, Dorothy.

Become the dumper before
you become the dumpee.

You're right. I'm gonna get rid of him
just the way Paul Bennington got rid of me.

The way Steve Mendlebaum
got rid of me. The way Tom...

We'll be here all afternoon.
Can you just open the door?

Blanche is right.
The man is history.

Hi, Dorothy. Oh,
Eddie, I want you so bad.

Dorothy. I can't help it.

He looks so cute
in that little suit.

Is something wrong, Dorothy?

Yes, there is something
wrong. Eddie, we have...

Eddie, stop doing
that with your lip.

Doing what?

That sexy, quivering thing
in the corner of your mouth.

I was just trying to loosen up a poppy
seed caught in my teeth with my tongue.

Well, it's driving
me crazy. Dorothy!

Come here, Eddie. Sit down here.

Listen, what Dorothy
is trying to tell you...

What's that cologne
you're wearing?

I'm not wearing cologne.

But that's impossible.

It smells kind of like a mixture
of Old Spice and musk and...

And a porterhouse steak? Yes.

That's me. The smell really
gets intense when I sweat.

Really? Well, I'd be
curious to find out just how...

Blanche! Blanche!

Now, look here, Eddie.
Now, you listen to me.

Dorothy has decided she wants
nothing more to do with you.

I can't understand why because I
think you have about the cutest ears

I've ever seen on a
man in my entire life.

They make you kind
of look like Bambi.

Marry me, Eddie.
Ladies, ladies, please!

This always happens. I'm cursed.

Ever since I was a little kid,

I've been absolutely
irresistible to women.

I know I'm a little
plain to look at...

No, you're not plain at
all. Oh, you're adorable.

Cute as a button. Please.

Please, let me finish. I
know I'm plain to look at,

but everything I do seems to
drive the opposite sex crazy.

I don't do it on
purpose. It just happens.

The way I look at a woman.
The way I make love to a woman.

The way I kiss a woman. The
way I make love to a woman.

You said "make love" twice.

I know. It's my favorite.

I'm not surprised you wanted to dump
me tonight - the good ones always do.

They always end up wanting more than
just nights filled with unbridled ecstasy.

What are you doing
tomorrow night?

I'd better get going. I've
caused enough trouble.

Look, Eddie, can't we see each
other occasionally, just as friends?

It won't work. It's like
trying to eat one potato chip.

Au revoir.

Oh, hello, Sophia. Hello, Eddie.

Eddie, I never noticed that
beauty mark on your neck.

What beauty mark? That one!

Sophia! Sophia!