The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 16 - Two Rode Together - full transcript

Dorothy takes Sophia to Walt Disney World for "quality time," but Sophia wants to ride Space Mountain instead. Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche collaborate on a children's book.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true



♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

(door opens)

Why are you both wearing black?

Did you just come
from a funeral?

No, Rose. We were singing
backup for Johnny Cash.

Of course we were at a funeral.

Who died? My best
friend, Edith Flannery.



I thought Mildred Feinberg
was your best friend.

She was, but we've grown apart.

I think her death had
something to do with it.

I really thought Edith
would be around longer.

She was only 88
and in perfect health.

Then one night, bingo, she
closes her eyes and she's gone.

She died in her sleep.

Are you deaf? I said
she died playing bingo.

Well, I guess Phyllis Glockman
will be my new best friend.

Ma, I thought you
hated Phyllis Glockman.

I do, but the rate
my friends are going,

I won't have to spend
much time with her.

I think Sophia's really
been shaken up by this.

She's not the only one.

Dorothy, what do you mean?

Ma's 82 years old. Edith
was only six years older.

You can guess what I'm thinking.

You're thinking your time with
Sophia may be running short.

Wow, Blanche. That's amazing.

Now guess what I'm thinking.

I was talking to Edith's
daughter after the funeral.

She'd flown in
from San Francisco.

She kept telling me how bad she felt that
she hadn't seen her mother in over a year.

It's hard to stay close to someone
when they live clear across the country.

I live in the same house with my mother,
yet we spend little quality time together.

You know, sometimes we'll be
watching TV and I start wondering...

how many more times
I have left like that.

And I find myself
staring at her,

like I'm trying to freeze
her face in my memory.

Like I never want to forget
one single line or wrinkle.

Suddenly she'll say, "Why
are you staring at me?

I've been wanting to pick my
nose for the past half hour."

Well, Dorothy, I live
by one simple rule.

Share your love
with people today

'cause they may
be gone tomorrow.

That's a beautiful
sentiment, Blanche.

Comes from dating a
lot of traveling salesmen.

I heard a fable when I was a little girl in
St. Olaf that might help. Can I tell you?

That's right, Rose. Wait till my defenses
are down and take advantage of me.

Okey-dokey.

Once upon a time in the
magical land of Flafluevenhaven...

lived Toonder
the mediocre tiger.

He was mediocre because there
was nothing special about him.

He wasn't talented,
he wasn't smart,

he wasn't rich, he
wasn't handsome.

He wasn't good at anything.

If he also wore a bad toupee,

she could be
describing my Stanley.

Anyway, it made
Toonder's wife miserable

that her husband was best
known for being mediocre.

I understand Marilyn
Quayle feels the same way.

So she asked her fairy godmother
to grant Toonder the ability

to perform incredible
feats of magic,

and her wish was granted.

Toonder the Mediocre became
Toonder the Magnificent.

I guess he didn't want to change
the monograms on his towels.

Well, Toonder the tiger
spent so much time performing

that he didn't have enough
time to spend with his wife.

She told him that she missed the time they
had together when he was just mediocre,

so Toonder used his
magic only once more,

and that was to make
his powers disappear.

And they lived
happily ever after?

No, actually she got bored and
ran off with Wiseblat the weasel -

Toonder's old business manager.

But they lived happily ever
after. What happened to Toonder?

Oh, who cares, Blanche?

Hey, once you hear
"happily ever after," it's over.

Well, Dorothy, did you
get anything out of this?

Actually I did get an idea.
You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take Ma away for the
weekend to a cabin in the Florida Keys,

where we can spend
some quality time together.

You got that idea
from her fable?

No, I got it from this brochure
somebody left on the table.

But I'll tell you, I never would've read
it if her fable hadn't bored me to tears.

Thank you, Rose. You're welcome.

Ma, I have a surprise for you.

You've got a date
Saturday night.

Better. Ma, we're going away
for the weekend, just the two of us.

So pack your bags, we're
off to a cabin in the Keys.

Wait a minute, Dorothy, you
pulled this one on me once before.

Remember Shady
Pines Retirement Village?

She told me we
were going to a resort.

We pull up to this place
that looks like the Bates Motel

and two goons in white
coats drag me inside.

For the next year and a half, I'm
forced to make lanyards against my will.

Ma, you know
that's not how it was.

You're right. Sometimes they
forced me to make moccasins.

No thanks. Not again.

Ma, all I want us to
do is go away together,

just the two of us.

Ma, we'll go anywhere
you want to go.

Great. I want to
go to Disney World.

Then that's where we're going.

Oh? All of a sudden you're gonna
take me after I've been asking for years?

That's right.

Leave your shoe sizes and whether you
want your moccasins in brown or black.

Oh, hello. This is
Dorothy Zbornak.

I'd like to confirm my reservation
on flight 505 to Orlando.

Uh-huh.

Uh, now, let's go over
the arrangements I made

to have my mother taken
away at the departure gate.

You don't know what
I'm talking about?

Neither do I. Goodbye.

Hi, Ma. Are you ready
to go? You bet, pussycat.

I'm glad you stopped
being so suspicious.

Oh, please, if you can't trust
family, who can you trust?

(car horn) There's our cab.

Oh, girls, don't forget to pick
me up one of those hats with ears.

We won't forget, Rose.

It's not for me, it's for one of the
girls in my Sunshine Cadet troop.

Yeah, we know, Rose.
I'm too old for that silly stuff

but the girls love it.

Right, Rose. You want
R-O-S-E sewn on the back?

If it's not too much trouble.

Space Mountain, here I come.

Ma, I told you, no scary rides.

Then we'd better find
another way to get to

the airport. The cabby
is wearing a turban.

They are going to
have such a great time.

What are you doing?

Oh, just doodling.
What do you think?

Let's see.

Oh, it's a tiger.

With multicolored
stripes, wearing a tuxedo,

a top hat, and
holding a magic wand.

Oh, my gosh, it's Toonder
the magnificent tiger.

Yes. Oh!

I've been thinking about him
ever since you told us that fable.

You know when you just can't
get something out of your head?

Oh, yeah, water's the worst.

That's why I always wear
earplugs when I shampoo.

I was talking about your fable.

Listen, Rose, I've
come up with an idea.

With your stories
and my illustrations,

we just might have
a bestseller here.

What do you say to us teaming up
and writing a kids' storybook together?

Oh, Blanche,
that's a terrific idea.

When my children were small, I bought
those illustrated storybooks all the time.

And I bet your kids loved them.

No, they had their own books.

Ma, you've been in there for 20
minutes, now, what are you doing?

Painting a fresco
on the ceiling.

It's a bathroom. What
do you think I'm doing?

What are you
writing? Oh, nothing.

What do you mean
nothing? What is that?

Well, Ma, you have such
a great sense of humor.

I can never remember all
the funny things you say,

so I've decided
to keep a journal.

Journal? Who the hell
are you? Bill Moyers?

That is classic. "Bill Moyers."

Fine. I'll give you great stuff
while we're on Space Mountain.

Not so fast. Ma, I have a
surprise for you. What is it?

Remember all those photos
we kept in Pop's old cigar boxes?

I've organized them
into these albums.

Ma, they're for
you. They're for us.

They're for later. Let's go.

Come on. Ma, the park
can wait. Let's do this now.

OK, but let's make it quick.

Oh, Ma, look. Here's you
holding me when I was a baby.

Do you remember what was
going through your mind then?

Oh, yeah.

I'll never forget that summer
day in 1932. I was thinking,

"Boy, am I blessed to have
such a precious baby in my life."

Oh, Ma, that's beautiful.
Things are going just great.

Look at this. You're holding
my hand while I'm skating.

What were you thinking then?

I'll never forget that winter
day in 1934. I was thinking,

"Boy, am I blessed to have such
a precious two-year-old in my life."

Oh, look.

Here's one of us on
a bicycle built for two.

I'll never forget that
spring day in 1940. I was...

Ma, you're making this up.

Of course I am. How the hell should I
remember what I was thinking back then?

I still look for Ed
Sullivan on Sunday nights.

The scary part is
sometimes I find him.

Ma, why can't you make
me happy? I want to do this.

OK, OK, if a trip down memory lane
is gonna make you happy, pussycat,

I'm willing to
take a short stroll.

Listen, I'll tell
you what we'll do.

We'll order dinner in, we'll
finish looking at the photos,

and then we can
reread these old letters.

Gee, it's too bad you
didn't bring along the slides.

Ma, now you've got the spirit.

I finished a sketch of Toonder's
little pals, the Dingleheimer twins.

Wow. This book is
really coming along.

Yeah, and you can chalk
it all up to synergism.

Yeah, synergism. What
would we ever do without it?

Good old synergism.

You have no idea
what it means, do you?

Not a clue.

Synergism is the powerful energy

that is generated by two people
engaged in the same activity.

Up till now, I had no idea it could occur
outside a Howard Johnson's motor lodge.

You still have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?

Nope.

Oh, but I can't tell you, Blanche,
how much I enjoy working with you.

Me too. You know why?
'Cause we're not just partners,

we're friends.
We're good friends.

I feel I could say anything to
you. Of course you can, sugarplum.

Even criticize your
artwork. Of course.

The whole point
of collaborating is to

get beyond our egos and come
up with something we both like.

What do you think? This
could use a few minor changes.

Drop dead.

Whatever happened to
getting beyond your ego?

My ego has nothing to do with
it. These drawings are brilliant.

I have lived with these
characters all my life.

I'll determine if your drawings are
brilliant, and that one needs work.

What's wrong with it?

You forgot Melvin the loneliest sea otter's
little beanie with the propeller on top.

No, I didn't. It blew away.

It did not. It did too.

Big wind came along,
blew it right off his head.

That couldn't have happened.

I say it did and you're
gonna write it in the story.

And what if I refuse?

You see this eraser?

I'm going to rub out Melvin's
little friend, Mookie the sailor.

You wouldn't. Try me.

No, please, Blanche.
I'll do anything you say.

I thought you'd see it my way.

Oh, Pop was sure a lousy
photographer. Who is that?

Uncle Vittorio. His head's
cut off. How can you tell?

Because that's exactly
how he looked in the morgue

after he turned state's evidence
against Benny the Blade.

Oh, Ma, this is so special,
spending this time together.

Yeah, right.

You know, Dorothy, I think
we're missing a box of slides.

They must be in the
suitcase in the closet.

Oh, I'll take a look.

Ma, where are you going?
I can't stand it anymore.

Your life is supposed to flash
before your eyes when you're dying,

not on when you're on vacation.

I've waited my whole life to ride Space
Mountain and nothing is gonna stop me.

(thunder)

Why are you always
taking her side?

(thunder)

Who'd have thought it would
rain for 24 hours straight?

Red sixes.

Does this look like a game
of solitaire? It's your turn.

I'm sorry, Ma. I was trying to remember
when was the last time I said I love you.

After lunch, when I said you had
grilled cheese stuck to your chin.

Now will you make your
move, for God's sake?

You're really making
this difficult for me.

You know I'm not great when it
comes to dealing with emotions.

Whenever someone starts
talking about their deepest feelings,

I usually get uncomfortable
and tune out. I don't know why.

Where do you think
it comes from, Ma?

Huh? Oh, sorry, Dorothy.

My corn pad slipped.
You were saying?

Never mind. You think the
rain is ever gonna let up?

You know something?
I honestly don't care.

Who needs outside distractions?

What we have here
is more important.

What we have is getting on my
nerves. Ma, where are you going?

Someplace where there
are no pictures, no slides,

and no walks down memory
lane. I'll come with you.

What? Are we nuns? We don't
have to travel in pairs. I'm outta here.

Hey, Sam. What's
that you're playing?

Oh, just a little something.

Stop it. You know
what I want to hear.

No, I don't.

You played it for her.
You can play it for me.

But I don't think that I... If she
can stand it, so can I. Now play.

OK. You're the boss.

♪ It's a world of laughter

♪ It's a world of tears

♪ It's a world of hopes

♪ And a world of fears

♪ There's so much that we share

♪ That it's time we're aware

♪ It's a small world after all

Ma.

Of all the saloons and gin joints in
the world, she had to walk into mine.

Ma, I've been looking
everywhere for you.

We really need to talk.

Ma, why are you trying so
hard to ruin my weekend?

You don't get it, do you?

This weekend could've
been a lot of fun,

until you decided we were
gonna have quality time.

Is that so horrible?

Ma, all I wanted to do was
have us finish unfinished business

and say things to each other
that we never said before.

Dorothy, this isn't
On Golden Pond.

I know, Ma. And
you're not Jane Fonda.

All right. You made your point.

Quality time has
to come naturally

it happens when you're
not thinking about it.

Like when we're cutting
vegetables. That's quality time.

I was hoping for something
a little more magical than that.

Let me tell you a little story.

When I was a kid in
Sicily, I loved lightning bugs.

I'd stand out in the field and
watch them light up the night sky.

That was magical.
That was spectacular.

I tell you, I saw a
thousand points of light.

It was a kinder,
gentler America.

I turned to my wife,
Barbara, and I said...

Ma, what the hell
are you talking about?

Oh. Sorry, I must have lapsed into George
Bush's inauguration speech. Where was I?

Lightning bugs. Right.

I liked them so much,
I'd catch them in glass jars

so I could watch them
light up whenever I wanted,

but they always died.

I see what you mean.
They needed their freedom.

No, they needed their air. I always
forgot to punch holes in the lid.

The point is it's the same
with all magical moments.

You can't capture them forever,
no matter what Kodak tells you.

So what you're
saying, Ma, is that,

like a lightning bug, I
put you in a glass jar

and, waiting for you to light
up, I nearly suffocated you.

Jeez, Dorothy, you sure know
how to beat a metaphor to death.

Ma, I love you. I love
you too, pussycat.

Promise you'll never make
me do this for the rest of my life.

OK. Only if you promise
you'll live forever.

OK, I promise.

How can you make
a promise like that?

Hey, if I don't come through,
what are you gonna do to me?

Blanche. Rose, listen. I think
maybe I owe you an apology.

When we were having our argument,
I may have said things I didn't mean.

Like when you said
I was a dummy?

No.

Anyway, the important thing is to
stay partners and finish our book.

Forget it. There isn't gonna be
any book. Now what are you saying?

Did I just lapse into Swedish?

Read it and weep.

"Tales of Toonder the
Tiger and His Friends,

by Hans Christian Lockerhueven."

Well, who's Hans
Christian Lockerhueven?

Only St. Olaf's greatest author.

He wrote the classic fairy
tale, "Hansel and Hansel."

You told me your parents
made up these stories.

I thought they did, but when I
called my sister for more stories,

she suggested I pick up the book
that Mom and Dad got them from.

This is great. We've been writing
stories that have already been written.

Well, if it's any consolation, they
do it all the time on Mr. Belvedere.

Well, my dream is crushed. I
always wanted to be rich and famous

and now it's not gonna happen.

I know a poem that
might help. It goes:

"Never, ever give
up your dreams,

"even when they're
doused in sorrow,

"because even though
they seem far away,

they could come true tomorrow."

I wrote that, Blanche.

You know, it isn't half bad.

It's better than a lot of them
you read on greeting cards.

I have hundreds of them.

You know what
I'm thinking, Rose?

That with your
drawings and my poems,

we might go into the greeting
card business together?

No. I'm thinking about
a place out at the beach

where the waves break so hard,

they knock the bathing suits right
off the men coming out of the water.

Come on. Maybe we can salvage the rest
of this day after all. Come on, let's go.

Hi, Ma, how's the packing going?

It'd go a lot better if
I had a screwdriver.

I just bought some
postcards to remember the trip.

I don't need
postcards, pussycat.

I'll remember this
trip for a long time.

Oh, just our luck. The rain
lets up when we're leaving.

Hey, Ma, we still have a little time and
there's one more thing I want to show you

to make this terrific
weekend complete.

Oh, no, Dorothy. We
looked at pictures and slides

and letters and diaries
and locks of hair.

What's left? Our family
history in shadow puppets?

Ma, better.

(Sophia) Now, this is
what I call quality time.

(screaming)

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