The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 10 - Stan Takes a Wife - full transcript

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

What are you doing home? I
thought you were on a date with Jerry.

So did I. He let me
out at the movie theater



and said he was
gonna go park the car.

That's the last I saw of him.

I think you've been ditched.

Now, did I ask you? If I want
advice on getting ditched,

I'll ask an expert.
Dorothy, did I get ditched?

Yes, Blanche,
but don't feel bad.

Look what it's done
for Sonny Bono.

Then it's finally happened.

I cannot believe it. I
have lost it, haven't I?

In more backseats
than any woman I know.

You're not feeling any better,
are you? I'm fine, thank you.

You look terrible.

Gee, I guess I
won't be making it in

the Sports Illustrated swimsuit
issue this year like the rest of you.



Dorothy's concerned
about your health. We all are.

You have been walking
around sick for over a week.

You'd feel a lot better if you
would just obey the doctor's orders.

Look, either you're
gonna follow his orders

or I'll call him
and tell on you.

Oh, what is he gonna do?
Come over and spank me?

If he does, tell him
to come by my room.

(doorbell)

Who can that be at this hour?
Maybe it's Blanche's date.

Oh, he better not
show up here. I'll get it.

Hi, everyone. It's me, Stan.

Look, I know it's late, but I had to
come by. I have awesome news.

Dating someone over 12?

Ma, that's not nice.
Is that it, Stanley?

No. Congratulate me,
everyone. I'm getting hitched.

Oh, that's wonderful. Well,
congratulations, Stanley.

Tell us all about it.

Her name is Katherine.
We met at the post office.

We discovered we
had a lot in common.

Oh, is she bald too?

For the first few months I
found myself sending her flowers,

candy, friendship notes
for no special reason.

That's lovely,
Stan. I'm impressed.

Yeah, I read in a book by some dame shrink
that chicks really eat that stuff up.

Anyway, Katherine
and I fell in love

and on the spur of the moment
we decided to get married.

The wedding is a week from
tonight and you're all invited.

I talked to the kids. They
said they'll try and fly in.

I gotta go now. I'm on my way
to surprise Katherine with this.

What do you think?

I think Lisa Bonet spent
more on the ring in her nose.

Don't listen to her. It's beautiful.
I'm sure Katherine will love it.

You mean it? Not a word.

Babe, it's a real diamond.
What's wrong with it?

I think the more appropriate
question is "Where is it?"

OK, the diamond's not very big.

OK, it's not a real diamond.
It's the thought that counts.

OK, I didn't put
much thought into it.

It was cheap. I'm cheap.
What can I tell you?

Why don't you let me help you pick
out something else for Katherine?

I'll help too. There's
nothing wrong with my taste.

You've seen that ring
I picked for Dorothy.

Actually, he was
going for a bracelet,

but the mechanical
claw grabbed the ring.

OK, girls. I guess I
do need some help.

I'll call tomorrow and we'll
set up a time to go shopping.

I really have to run now.

I'm fixing a terrific late-night
supper for Katherine. Oh, really?

In 38 years of marriage, you never
once cooked a terrific meal for us.

Neither did you.

Ma, I thought you were
supposed to be taking it easy.

When I feel bad I have
to take my mind off it.

There's only one
thing that does that.

Cooking a big meal. No.
Making love in a closet.

But, hey, you do what you can.

Hi, we're back.

We helped Stan pick
out a ring for Katherine.

I feel terrible. I think we
spent too much money.

Stop worrying about the
money. We're talking about love.

I still think we spent too much.

You didn't spend
it. The yutz spent it.

That's what makes him a yutz.

Sophia's right. Don't worry
about it. (Sophia coughs)

Ma, Ma, I think
you better sit down.

Come on. Over here.

Here you go.

Should I get Sophia
a glass of water?

No, Rose. You should sit here
and watch her hack herself to death.

Are you sure?

Get the water!

I am gonna call the doctor.

I can't breathe. Forget the doctor,
Blanche. Call the paramedics.

What is taking them so
long? It's been over an hour.

I'm sure they're doing
the best they can.

The cafeteria was closed.
This is all I could find.

Thanks, honey.
Any word on Sophia?

None.

Oh, I hate waiting.

I hate hospitals.

I hate when the people put each
other down on Love Connection.

I got here as fast as I could.
How'd you know where to find us?

I had second thoughts about the ring the
girls made me buy so I came by the house.

The neighbors told me what
happened. I'm so happy you're cheap.

So how's Sophia doing?
We still don't know.

Stan, I'm scared. Mrs. Zbornak?

Dr. Seymour, is my
mother going to be all right?

Her condition is quite serious.
But you said it was a simple virus.

It's advanced to pneumonia.

Normally I wouldn't be this
concerned, but her resistance is low.

That, coupled with her age, makes
these next few hours extremely critical.

Are you saying she could die?
We're doing everything possible.

All we can do is wait and see
how she responds to treatment.

Can I see her? Not until
she's out of Intensive Care.

The best thing you can do now
is go home and get some rest.

I'll call if there's any change.

Come on, Dorothy, I'll take
you home. No, I'm not leaving.

Then we'll all stay. No, you go.

Oh, no. We're not
going anywhere.

I would rather be alone. Please.

Are you sure, babe?

Would it be stupid to
ask for a group hug?

Oh, of course not, honey.

Hands above the waist, Stanley.

Hi, babe. I hope you're hungry.

I thought I sent you home.
I was in the neighborhood.

What? At one o'clock
in the morning?

All right. I couldn't sleep. I
kept thinking about Sophia.

How is she?

No one has said a word
to me in hours. What?

That's ridiculous. I'm gonna
find somebody, right now.

Excuse me. I want some
information and I want it now.

(Asian accent) The
john is down the hall.

It's about a patient. Sophia
Petrillo. She's in Intensive Care.

The cafeteria's closed.

Wait.

Get a doctor in here.

(American accent) Someone
will be with you in just a moment.

You really care about
Ma, don't you, Stan?

Hey, if someone puts
you down for 40 years,

I guess you have a special bond.

I can't imagine life without
her telling me what a yutz I am,

what a lousy husband I was, how my
toupee looks like a monkey's behind.

God, I love that
woman. I do too.

Oh, what are we gonna
do if she doesn't make it?

She's going to be fine.

Come on. Let's eat. I
brought you your favorite.

Oh, you're such a
sweetheart. Chinese.

No, Italian.

Look, there's been no
change on the Petrillo case.

We are very busy.
We'll call when we can.

Listen, buddy. Sophia may
be just another case to you,

but we happen to love her. We
want to know how she is, regardless.

From now on, I want to be informed every
hour, on the hour. Do you understand me?

I'm sorry, sir. I'll see
that you're kept informed.

You were magnificent.
I have my moments.

Well, what do you want?
Lasagna or cannelloni?

Oh, Ma makes great lasagna. I
can never get mine to taste as good.

She says it's because I don't
sing to my marinara sauce.

That's her secret. She
sings opera to her sauce.

Except, of course, during the holiday
season when she sings Nat King Cole.

I love your lasagna. You're just
saying that to make me feel better.

Is it working?

Like a charm.

Excuse me. Mrs. Zbornak.

Oh... Oh! My mother?

She's going to be fine. You
can go up and see her right away.

Thank you. Oh, she's...

She's going to be all right.

Stanley, come on.
Let's go see her.

No, no, no. You go.
You two should be alone.

I'll stay here and clean
up. I'll stop by later.

Stan, thank you
for standing by me.

I don't know how I could
have done it without you.

Hey, what are ex-husbands for?

Oh, Ma, you scared me to death.

You scared me to death.

You couldn't put on a little makeup?
There could be a single doctor.

I'd like to know you're
being taken care of...

or at least getting
a little on the side.

Ma, the doctor says
you're gonna be just fine.

Of course I am. I
survived war, disease

and two seasons of
Designing Women.

Hello, Sophia. Hi, Sophia.

We stopped by on our way to
work to check on you. How are you?

She's gonna be just fine, only this time
she's going to follow the doctor's orders.

What about you? You must be
exhausted being here by yourself all night.

I wasn't alone. Stan came
by and stayed with me.

Brought me food, held me.

Showed me that
special part of himself.

Right there in the waiting room?

Not that part, Rose.

Anyway, spending time with Stan made
me see something that I hadn't realized.

He dyes the hair in his ears?
I noticed that months ago.

Besides that. I'm still
in love with the man,

and I can't let him
marry someone else.

Is it me or is the room
suddenly getting darker?

Hurry up, Blanche. Rose,
stop pulling on my nightie.

It's only got one yank left in it
before it falls completely apart

and I'm saving that
for Henry Barnsworth.

Shh. I just don't
want Dorothy to hear.

Blanche, we can't let Dorothy
ruin Stan and Katherine's wedding.

I mean, it's selfish,
it's adolescent

and it'd put a real cramp
in their honeymoon. Rose.

For somebody who's supposed to be
so smart, Dorothy's acting like a goober.

(Blanche) Rose. I would
say that right to her face.

'Course, I'd have
to stand on a chair.

It's her, isn't it?

Now Dorothy, don't
you be mad at Rose.

She's only saying
what she feels.

What about you? Do
you think I'm terrible

because I want my husband back?

Ex-husband, Dorothy.

Ex-husband who left you
and didn't have the courtesy

to tell you he was leaving.

Ex-husband who married somebody half
your age just one week after the divorce.

Ex-husband who's getting
married again tomorrow.

I don't know why you want that
man. He's treated you like dirt.

Even that I could overlook
if he had a good body.

Look, Blanche, I appreciate what you're
trying to do, but my mind is made up.

I love Stanley, I
want to be with him,

and I am very sorry
about Katherine.

What on earth is suddenly
so wonderful about Stanley?

Everything, just everything.
He has grown, he has changed.

You should have seen the way
he took over when Ma was sick.

He was so commanding,
so masterful,

and yet so sensitive
and so vulnerable.

I know I couldn't have
gotten through it without him.

Listen, Dorothy. You
thought Sophia might be dying.

You were the one who
was sensitive and vulnerable.

Blanche is right.

At the counseling center I
see cases like this all the time.

When people lose loved ones they
do things they'd never normally do.

Take Mrs. Polowski.
When her mother died,

she divorced her husband,
lost 30 pounds, dyed her hair

and ran off to Paris with
an artist ten years her junior.

I just got a postcard last week.

Yeah, and now she's miserable

and bony and sick
of eating snails, right?

No. They bought a
beautiful home in Cannes.

Rose!

Granted, not a great example.

Thank you for
proving my case, Rose.

Ma getting sick was
probably a good thing after all,

'cause it made me
see how great Stan is.

All right. What if this
isn't what Stanley wants?

Excellent point.
What about that?

If you had been
there that night,

you'd know that he feels
exactly the same way about me.

Then how come he hasn't
called off his wedding

and told you he loves you?

Because he is
not sure how I feel.

He wants me to
make the first move.

Oh, gee, I hadn't counted on
this. She makes good sense.

Rose!

I want to thank you for
helping me think this through.

You know, up until now I
honestly had a few doubts,

but after talking to you I know
exactly what I'm gonna do.

Tomorrow, before the wedding,

I'm gonna tell Stan I love him.

Well, way to go, Rose. You
talked her into doing exactly

the opposite of what
we wanted her to do.

I guess that's why they took
me off the suicide hotline at work.

(knock at door)

Coming.

Hi. Hi.

Can I come in? Oh, sure.

Do I look like a man who is
about to do it for the third time?

Get married, I mean.

Very handsome.
Have you lost weight?

No, I'm wearing a girdle.

Is Sophia gonna
make it to the wedding?

She's not quite up to it.
But she sends her regards

and Baggies for me to bring back
hors d'oeuvres. You're wearing a girdle?

And padded shoulders.
Is my head sweating?

No.

Stan, the reason I
came... (knock at door)

Is the wedding still on? Of
course. Why wouldn't it be?

He's right. Why wouldn't it be?

Let's go powder our
noses before the ceremony.

Stan, I have to get
something off my chest.

I agree. There.
That's much better.

Boy, I'll say. OK, let's go.
I am not going anywhere.

Would you girls excuse me?

My girdle is killing me.

He's wearing a girdle?
And padded shoulders.

And knowing him,
a sock in his crotch.

What are you two doing here?

We've come to stop you
from making a fool of yourself.

Why would Dorothy
make a fool of herself?

Well, Stanley, you know how she
gets at weddings - all emotional.

Her nose starts running, then
her mascara starts running.

Soon everything's running altogether
and nobody can enjoy their cake.

Stan, I have to
tell you something.

Dorothy, somebody's at the door.

I'll get it. No, you
won't. Let Dorothy get it.

But I'm closer. Ow! My ankle!

Oh, it must be that old plow injury.
Dorothy, honey, could you get the door?

Dorothy stepped out for a
breath air. (banging on door)

Why's she banging on the
door? That button's coming off.

Yep, I was right. We'd
better go sew it on.

Bartender, give me another.

Come on, lady. You don't
need another. Why not?

You've had three already.
I said give me another.

Fine. It's your life.

Just don't blame
me if you get sick.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

No. Help yourself. Thanks.

What can I get you, lady?

How about a shot
of self-confidence?

Let me guess. You didn't
come in here to drink.

You've got a problem and
need someone to talk to.

Am I right? That's right.

Then take a quarter and
call a shrink. This ain't Cheers.

Are you OK?

Just a little nervous.

I'm supposed to get
married in exactly 20 minutes

right here in this hotel.

Well, then, what are you
doing here? Cold feet?

Yeah, but not about him.

See, he's got this ex-wife.

You better be careful what you
say. I happen to be an ex-wife.

Not like his, I'm sure.
No one's like her.

She's superwoman.
She was the perfect wife.

Cooked, cleaned, had
two kids, got an education,

has never looked better,
and now she has a career.

That wasn't a marriage. That's
a commercial for a mini pad.

Her name is Dorothy and
she's coming to our wedding.

I mean, they're still friends.

Listen to me. I'm so intimidated
by a woman I've never even met.

Well, that's understandable.

I mean, she
sounds pretty terrific.

I bet she's gorgeous, too.

No. The daughter had a nose
job and she had her mother's nose.

Evidently it was a honker.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

You were saying... I
don't know what I'm saying.

All I know is I've waited all my
life to find someone like Stan.

That's my fiancé. I know.

You do? I know how you feel.

No, you don't.

See, I've never been married
before, except to my career.

I guess that's why I feel so insecure about
being a wife. I want to be a good wife.

You're really crazy about the
guy. Head over heels in love.

I feel like a teenager.

He's smart, he's funny...

and the best
lover I've ever had.

You haven't slept
around much, have you?

I beg your pardon?

Nothing. Popcorn?
Oh, no. No, thanks.

So, you think he might still
be in love with his ex-wife?

They're still good friends.

I mean, he talks
about her all the time.

"Dorothy" this, "Dorothy" that.

What if she decides
she wants him back?

If she's as great as you say
she is, and no doubt she is, well,

possibly in a weak moment, she
might think she wants him back,

but then maybe she'd think
of the two of you together

and what a nice
person you seem to be,

how he loves you and...

how much you love him and...

I think she'd realize that
her time with him was over,

and she'd let go graciously
and wish him well.

In fact, I think that's
exactly what she'd do.

No, she wouldn't.
Yes, she would.

No, she wouldn't.
Yes, she would.

How can you be so sure? I'm a
Leo. We're all very sure of ourselves.

Well, it looks like I've
got a wedding to go to.

I'm going to a wedding
myself. Mind if I walk with you?

Not at all. You're
a very wise person.

What did you say
your name was? I didn't.

Well, I really enjoyed
talking with you.

I hope we meet again
soon. Believe me, we will.