The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 9 - Scared Straight - full transcript

Blanche's brother Clayton is afraid to admit his homosexuality, so he claims he slept with Rose.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"



Hey! You're not even
gonna ask what's wrong?

What's wrong, Ma? I
got three days to live.

Fine, Ma. I'll scratch the
Bengay off the grocery list.

I can't believe
you're so insensitive.

Ma, you are not dying.

I am, Dorothy.

I had a dream last
night, a death dream.

Your father spoke to
me. Spoke to you? How?

Do I look like Rich Little?

Just listen.

I'm sitting in the living room,

and the clock strikes 9:00.

Then the bell rings. It's
your father in his fedora.

He always wore a
fedora on Saturday.

He walks towards me,
reaches out his hand

and says, "Sophia,
you can come now.

There's room for you now."

That's it? You want him to
show up with Barbara Eden

and the college
all-American football team?

It's a dream, not a
Bob Hope special.

I'm dying, Dorothy. Saturday,
9:00. Don't make any plans.

Ma, you're being ridiculous.

I know.

When was the last
Saturday night you had plans?

Oh, thank you, Dorothy.
Those look lovely.

So do you.

Oh, Blanche, you really got
all dressed up for your brother.

Well, we do come from the South.

We always felt it was important

to look absolutely great
in front of company.

Hi, girls. What time
does Clayton get here?

Oh, any minute now.

Oh, we better put
out the welcome mat.

We don't have a welcome mat.

What about the one Dorothy
says is at the foot of your bed?


Oh, there's Clayton now.
Remember what I said.

No remarks about his
marriage breaking up.

He's still a little touchy.

Clayton! Baby brother!


Oh, my, look at
you all gussied up.

Prettier than a
spring-bloomin' peach tree

on a dewy April morning.

Well, you oughtta talk,

all fresh-scrubbed
and rosy-cheeked

like a country parson at
a September hoedown.

Why do I get the
feeling they had a maid

named Honeybee
when they grew up?

(door closes)

Come on in, Clayton.

I want you to meet my best
friends Dorothy and Rose.

Nice to meet you. It's a
pleasure. Rose, so nice to see you.

How was your trip, Clayton?

Oh, fine. It just
went by in no time.

That usually means he
met a stewardess he liked.


Lunch, dinner or drinks?


I'm beginning to see
the family resemblance.

Honey, come on inside.
I'll get you all settled down.

Then I want to tell you
all the wonderful things

I have planned for us to do. OK.

It was so nice finally
meeting you all.

See you later, Clayton.

Isn't it nice to see a brother and
sister who are such good friends?

It certainly is.

Oh, I always wish that I
could have been closer

to my brother, Phil.

You know, go places
together, share experiences.

Although I did love
borrowing his clothes.

Did you like wearing
boys' clothes growing up?

No, but fortunately
neither did my brother Phil.

Ma, why are you
sitting here in the dark?

Conserving electricity for those

who will still be
living past Saturday.

Oh, Ma... Put out
your hands, Dorothy.

What for?

So I can say hello
like Magic Johnson.

So I'm gonna give you
some of my personal things.

My bank book, some stocks...

Oh, Ma, come on,
now. This is crazy.

Hi, y'all.

Oh, fabulous. Roy
and Dale are back.

So, where are you
two off to tonight?

Oh, that's a surprise.
Wait a minute.

Isn't that my silver
locket in there?

Nice getting to know you,
gomer. See you around.

What's all this
about a surprise?

Oh, well, I've done
a little matchmaking.

Blanche, not again.

Yes, again. Now,
you are 45 years old.

You've been single
almost two years.

Well, both Dorothy and I know
how much fun the single life is.

Many's the night Dorothy
has sat here alone in this room

watching me go out on dates.

Sometimes I watch her
go from the kitchen window.

It's easier to bay at the moon.

I just don't want
you being afraid

to get back on that horse
and make a commitment again.


Here's your horse
pulling up now.

Hello, Lois. Come in.

Clayton, remember
Lois from the museum?

Of course. So nice
to see you again.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

You two can get
reacquainted on the way.

These are your tickets
for the concert in the park.

It starts in 15 minutes, so
you better hurry up, now.

Bye. Have a good time!
(Dorothy) Good night!

I was never any
good at blind dating.

I always felt so awkward.

Oh, Dorothy, I have
a surefire icebreaker

I can teach you right now.

Oh, once you learn this any
man is putty in your hands.

Oh, Blanche, come
on. That is ridiculous.

I mean, I'm certainly
not gonna waste my time

listening to this
adolescent nonsense.

Did you say putty?

Ha ha ha ha. Sit back.

Now, just play like
we're at the movies.


First I start to yawn a little.

Then I put my hands up
over my head like this...

Oh, Blanche, I know that one.

You end up with
your arm around me.

Yeah, but that's
just the first part.

Did you know that if you blow
right on the tip of a man's earlobe,

it can drive him
absolutely crazy?

I'll show you.

I'm gonna be dead in 24 hours.

Couldn't you stay in the
closet for one more day?

Rose, what are you doing here?


It's my late night at
the counseling center.

But what are you doing here?

Blanche told me she
was sending you on a date.

Oh, she did. Didn't it work out?

Well, let's just say
Blanche has it in her head

what type is right for
me, and she's way off.

I'll bet I could sit
here for a minute

and tell you what your type is.

I'm good at this.

Gosh, I'm stuck.

You haven't even started.

No, I'm stuck on the gum
somebody left on this bench.

OK, now, you just give me your
honest reactions when people go by.

That's how I'll tell. OK.

Here comes one. Go.

No. Too thin.

Here comes one.

Too short?


Oh, Clayton!

Clayton, you're
not playing fair.

That's a man.

That's a man and you're a man.

You're both men.

(laughs nervously)

Clayton, you're that thing

that everyone said Olga
Larsen's nephew was

'cause he wore paisley clogs

and gave out puff
pastry on Halloween.

I've been called a lot
of things in my time,

but that's a first for that one.

Yeah, I'm gay, Rose.

But Blanche told
us you were married.

I was. After a while I just
couldn't deny the truth to myself.

Seems silly still denying
it to my big sister.

Well, have you
tried telling her?

Every time I see her.

And I always chicken out.

Oh... I know Blanche.

I mean, she'd be
upset, but not for long.

And just think how it would
help you two in the long run.

But how do I keep
from chickening out?

By telling her.

Tonight, while you've
still got your dander up.

I'm sorry.

Did I say something


No, Rose. You're right.
You're absolutely right.

I've got to tell her tonight.

But it's not gonna be easy.

I mean, I still
haven't told Blanche

I was the one who stole
the Montgomery Clift poster

off her wall when
she left for college.

(sirens and gunshots on TV)

Ma, what are you doing up?

Someone left the
lock off my cage.

I couldn't sleep. I was afraid
I'd have that dream again.

What are you two doing up?

Well, I'm waiting
up for Clayton.

I'm gonna make sure he
had a good time tonight.

My brother and I are very close.

Oh, that's sweet, Blanche.

Evening, ladies.

Well, Clayton
Hollingsworth, it's about time.

You and your date
must have really hit it off.

Hey, Rose. What are
you doing with Clayton?

We ran into each other in the
park. What happened to Lois?

Oh, she went home. We
weren't really suited, Blanche.

Not suited? Clayton, sometimes
I do not understand you.

Time after time I fix you up

with attractive, eligible
women, and nothing happens.

It's time you found
yourself a woman.

Now, what is the
matter with you?

Tell her, Clayton.

I will, Rose.

Tell me what? Well, I ran
into Rose in the park, and...


And we had a long
talk, and... And?

And... we slept
together tonight.

Dorothy, all that stuff I said

about preparing
for a burial, forget it.

Oh, Ma. You finally
came to your senses.

Yes. I decided to
be cremated instead.

Oh, Ma.


It's a great idea. My ashes
can be divided among you,

your brother, Phil,
and your sister, Gloria.

Nah, forget Gloria. I don't
want to spread myself too thin.

Hi, girls. I need to talk.

Oh, honey, what is it?

All day long Blanche
has been giving me looks.

I think she's really mad at me.

Look, Rose, what happened
between you and Clayton

last night is your
business, not Blanche's.

That's just the point, Dorothy.

Nothing happened
between Clayton and me.

Nothing physical, anyway.

Well, why did Clayton say

the two of you slept
together if you hadn't?

Because he's trying to hide
something about himself from Blanche.

I don't even feel
right saying it out loud.

Maybe if I just whispered it.

Clayton is a hobo?

No, Dorothy.

Oh! Oh! Now, now I get it.

Oh, good. I thought I was
gonna have to draw you a picture.

And I'm not sure I'd know how.

Hey! I don't get to know?

No, Ma.

OK, have it your way,

but nobody can keep a
secret from Sophia Petrillo.

Whatever that guy's hiding,
I could smoke it out of him

in three or four
quick questions.

Hello, ladies. Perfect timing.


So, Clayton,

what do you think of
this Miami weather so far?

Oh, it's lovely.

I see.

Have you ever been to Europe?

No, but it's always
been a dream of mine.


How many fingers
am I holding up?



You can go back in
the living room now.

The man's as gay
as a picnic basket.

Ma, that... that is...

That is incredible.
How did you know?

I heard him singing
in the shower.

He's the only man I ever knew

who knows all the words
to "Send In The Clowns."

Rose, I owe you an apology.

You sure do.

I shouldn't have got
you mixed up in all this.

It's just so hard to
tell Blanche the truth.

Clayton, you're
selling your sister short.

Now, at times, Blanche
can be very understanding

and compassionate and forgiving.

Get away from my baby brother,

you cradle-snatching,
empty-headed, two-faced dummy.

And then at other times
she can be a real bitch.

Blanche, there's
something you should know.

Butt out, Clayton. This
doesn't concern you.

It most certainly
does concern him.

Why? Because he was
seduced by a bubble-head

whose hair looks like it
was colorized by Ted Turner?

Now, just a minute.

Butt out, Clayton. This
doesn't concern you.

You're gonna regret this
when you have to come begging

on hands and
knees for forgiveness.

Oh? Then I shall
never regret it,

because I never
intend to apologize.

We'll see about that.

I wish you hadn't
done that, Blanche.

Oh, hush up. It was
for your own good.

There's something you
just don't understand.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

I pushed you into
meeting all those women.

That's why this happened.

But it is over. Rose
will be just fine.

Blanche, it's not as simple...

Oh, Clayton,
honey, leave it alone.

Blanche, listen.

Nothing happened
between me and Rose.

Just like nothing ever
happens between me

and any of the women
you set me up with.

There's a reason.

What are you saying, Clayton?

I'm saying... I'm gay, Blanche.

Oh, Clayton, please be serious.

You're just saying that so I won't
set you up with any more women.

No, Blanche. Well, then you're
saying it 'cause you're trying

to get back at me for something.

Blanche... Clay, I know
you too well for this.

After all, I know it can't
be true. You're my brother.

It's true, Blanche.

Maybe I ought to just
leave you alone for a while.

Clayton Hollingsworth.

You look me in
the face and tell me

you really are what
you just said you are.

I think you heard me
the first time, Blanche.

Hey, Harry. Flip on
the game, will you?

Not another game.

Come on. Tina, let's go.

I'll see you back at the house.

(crowd cheering on TV)


Blanche. How'd you find me here?

Well, I knew that you and
Rose were here last night.

May I join you?

Of course.

Thank you.

You know what that
popcorn reminds me of?

Rex's Drive-In out at the lake.

You remember the night
my date and I parked

right next to you and your date?

Pretty soon it
got to be a contest

who could fog up
whose car the fastest.

I think you won.

You weren't doing too badly
considering you were in a convertible.


You know,

Clay, I've been thinking a lot
about what you told me today,

and I've also
been thinking a lot

about that boy
at Rex's Drive-In,

and, honey, the two
pictures don't go together.

There's just something
wrong with one of them.

But it's not the one
you're hoping, Blanche.

It was the heater fogging
up my car windows that night.

So what can I bring
you, sweetheart?

Don't you dare
talk to him like that.

Now, you get out of here.

Blanche, I think he
was talking to you.

Oh. Oh.

I'm having a little trouble
putting this all together.

Clayton, I just feel like I
don't know you anymore.

I'm the same
person I always was.

No, you're not. You
used to be just like me.

What? Great-looking? Yes.

Charming? Yes.

Irresistible to men?

My God, Clayton, you are me.

But I still just
can't... Blanche.

I spent a long
time lying to myself.

It felt a lot better
when I stopped.

It feels better being
honest with you, too,

and I'd hate to think that this is
gonna keep us from being friends.

Well, honey, of course it isn't.

Oh, no. I'll get
used to this. I will.

Well, look at me already.

I'm practically comfortable

seeing you here in a gay bar.

Blanche, this isn't a gay bar.

Clay, now, we did say we were
gonna be honest with each other.

All right, now, I can do
my part. You just watch this.

You all, over at the bar.

I just want to say that
I would be very proud

to have any one of
you date my brother.

I'd rather date you, lady.

Sweet Jesus, I've just
done the impossible.

I've converted one.

(door opens)

Dorothy, get dressed.

We're going out to celebrate
Clayton's last night in town.

Oh, terrific.

Let's go to José's.

We always go there to celebrate.

The food is great.

And they make
all the waiters wear

these really skintight
bullfighters' pants.


Let's go to Amelio's.

T minus ten seconds, Dorothy.

Oh, Ma, will you give it up?

You are not dying.
Eight, seven, six...

There is not going to be a doorbell
or a pop... five, four, three, two...

one. There is not going
to be anything. You see?

Ten seconds, nothing happened.


Oh, God!

Ma, stop.

Oh, suddenly
somebody believes me.

Did I hear the bell?

Listen, Rose, do me a favor.

Look out the peephole
and see who's at the door.

Sure, Dorothy.

Gee, it's kinda hard to
tell. All I can see is a fedora.

Oh, my God.

Who's that at the
door? It's me, Blanche.

The other side.

Move, Rose. Ma, don't.

I have to, Dorothy. Ma!

Mildred, what are
you doing here?

When do I always wear
my lucky bowling hat?

We're bowling tonight?

Didn't you get my
message the other night?

No one answered the door.

I figured you were napping,

so I yelled outside your
window we had room.

Wait... Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Were your exact words,

"Sophia, you can come
now. We have room now"?

And were you wearing
that hat at the time?


Hasta luego, Dorothy.
I'm going bowling.

Well, let's go
to dinner, ladies.

Have fun.

Rose, honey.

There's something
I have to say to you.

It's just two little words,

but they are the
hardest two little words

in all the whole
world for me to say.

"Not tonight"?


Blanche, if you've come
here to apologize, I accept.

Just like that?


I mean, for me, just the fact

that you thought of
those words is plenty...

considering what a selfish,
conceited person you are.

But I had a whole
speech planned, Rose...

a-about how nice
you were to my brother

and-and how proud I am

to have such a sweet
person as my friend.

Now I can't say it.
Well, sure you can.

No, I can't. You just ruined it.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I forgive you, Rose.