The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Auction - full transcript

The girls need a new roof, so they scheme to buy and then sell a painting by Jasper DeKimmel, an arrogant painter who has a few days to live.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true



♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Oh, morning, Ma.
You sleep OK? No.

I got up in the middle of the night
and there was a puddle in my bed.

Do you know how relieved I was
to find out the roof was leaking?

Oh, hi, Rose. Is the ceiling
in your room leaking too?

No, Dorothy. I just finished
milking the cow I keep in my closet.

Gee, with only three hours'
sleep, I can be as bitchy as you.



I'm sorry. Look, we have to do something
about the roof. It's getting worse.

Forget it. Blanche'll
wait for the ceiling

to cave in on her
before she'll do anything.

Blanche, listen, we
have to talk about the roof.

Dorothy, I already
called the repairman.

Last night the damn ceiling
caved in on my bedroom.

Knocked the Zorro mask right
out of poor Ed Rosen's hand.

(doorbell)

That must the roofer.

Sid LaBass. You called
about your roof. Yes, come in.

Yeah. Wait a sec. I think
I stepped in something.

That's good enough.

Mr. LaBass, I want to thank you
for coming on such short notice.

You're lucky I came at
all. I got a horrible cold.

I was so dizzy, I lost my balance getting
out of bed. I guess my equilibrium's shot.

Well, I'm sure you'll feel better
once you're up on the roof.

Well, I don't think I
need to go up there.

I could see it was a
goner when I drove up.

Oh, Sid! Well, can't you
patch it up or something?

Yeah, I could patch it up, but that
won't stop more leaks when it rains again.

What are you trying to say, Sid?

You couldn't follow that?

She has trouble following
Murder, She Wrote.

How much is a new roof
going to cost, Sid? Ten thou.

Well, how much is a patch job?

Oh, a couple of hundred.

Can I use your phone?
I gotta make a call.

Yeah, go ahead. We
have to discuss this.

Dorothy, we don't have $10,000.

We can barely
afford a patch job.

Well, what are we gonna
do? Go without a roof?

Maybe we can talk Sid into
letting us pay in installments.

Oh, that's a great idea.

He's a reasonable man. I don't
see why he wouldn't go for it.

OK. A new roof it is.

Look, I said that payment was
due today, not next Thursday.

That check better be
on my desk tomorrow

or you'll regret it,
believe me. Understand?

All right. I'll talk
to you later, Dad.

Oh, what have we
decided? Patch job.

Fine. I'll do what I can.

Well, goodbye.
Where are you going?

It's my day to
volunteer at the hospital.

Oh, it's really sweet
of you to volunteer.

I like charity work.

Besides, I've got my eye on
an eligible doctor for Dorothy.

I hope he likes
charitable work too.

Listen, Dorothy, I'm going to
an art show tomorrow night.

I always meet eligible
men at galleries.

Why don't you come with
me? Can I come too, Blanche?

Sure. I think it's
gonna be a great show.

It's featuring the work of Mr. Jasper
DeKimmel. You ever heard of him?

I'm not sure. Has he ever
done anything in velvet?

Jasper DeKimmel's art hangs in
museums all over the country, Rose.

Some of his paintings are
worth thousands of dollars. Here.

This is a DeKimmel on
this brochure for the exhibit.

Hm. I don't get it.

This kind of art
does nothing for me.

You have to open your
mind to new perceptions.

This is nonrepresentational art.

I work in a museum, so I
understand these things.

Now, for instance,

this slash of color of
red across the bottom,

well, that represents
the setting sun.

And this jagged blue line,
now, that signifies the ocean.

Then this spot of orange
up here in the corner,

that stands for the planets

and man's eternal struggle against
nature and the elements. No, it doesn't.

That's where I put my Creamsicle down
this afternoon when I answered the phone.

See? It rubs right off.

Didn't I tell you it
was gonna be special?

There's nothing but
beautiful people here.

I'm glad they didn't make us
check Dorothy with the coats.

Look, Ma, I think I look
pretty damn good tonight.

Is it really necessary for you
to constantly put me down?

I'm sorry, pussycat.
You're right.

From now on I'm gonna be
a more supportive mother.

You look nice tonight.

You look better than a
lot of other women here.

Like... like her, for instance.

Oh, thanks, Ma. By
the way, that's a man.

Hey, that's not my fault.

Girls, look, a mime.

Oh, I just love a mime.

It's all on account of my Uncle
Gustav. He was a coal mimer.

You mean a coal
miner. No, a coal mimer.

He had a bad back and he didn't
want to lose his medical benefits,

so every morning he'd go down
the shaft and pretend to work.

Hey. Hey! Why are
you wearing makeup?

So your mother won't
be embarrassed?

Honey, he won't pay any attention
to you, no matter what you do.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, fella, your fly is open.

Girls, girls, look.

"Self-portrait by
Jasper DeKimmel."

Dorothy, that picture
has three noses.

Oh, I'm so glad that you find
my self-portrait so interesting.

You're him. Yes.

Gee, out of three noses,
why did you keep the biggest?

All the galleries make
the same mistake.

They've hung it upside down.

Oh, then those aren't noses.

Whoa!

Well, Mr. DeKimmel,

I find your work
absolutely riveting.

Well, so do I. I'm just
not sure I understand it.

No, of course you don't. If
you had any real grasp of color,

you certainly wouldn't have
worn those shoes with that dress.

Oh, now, just a minute
here, Mr. DeKimmel.

I see no reason for you to be
insulting my friend Rose, or her shoes.

Oh, my lord! Look
at those things.

Well, the Pilgrims
landed in nicer shoes.

Yes, do forgive me, ladies.

My nerves get a bit
jangled at these events.

Perhaps you'd care to
discuss one of my paintings.

That would be lovely. Good.
Now, shall we start here?

Now, do you see how I echo
Monet with my brush strokes?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you see how I show
darkness with single points of light?

Oh, yes. Yes.

And do you see
how I convey humor

with my cycle of
blues and grays?

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.

You're idiots.

The only humor here is my own,

at your great stupidity.

This picture no
more echoes Monet

than any of you
echo a beauty queen.

And you will waste
no more of my time.

Oh, yeah?

Go easy on him, Rose.

What a terrible man. I know. But
let's not let him ruin our evening.

We can still enjoy all
this art. Dorothy's right.

Oh, look. Two more mimes
pretending to carry something.

I'm gonna have
some fun with them.

Uh... (glass shattering)

They weren't mimes, were they?

Come on.

Rose, hurry, please!

These were the only
towels I could find.

Put 'em around the bucket
in case the leak spreads.

Wait a minute, Rose. Is that my
Cabana Club beach towel you have there?

Is it this one with the naked
man and woman in the waves?

Yes, that's it. You
can't use this towel.

Blanche, Blanche, it's an
emergency. We'll replace it next week.

Oh, no, you cannot
replace this towel.

There are too many fond
memories attached to this towel.

Please. I am in no mood to hear about
the parade of endless sexual encounters

that you have experienced up
and down the Florida coastline,

with only this towel between your
hot flesh and the cold, wet sand.

I brought my son Skippy home
from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.

You're lying, Blanche.

Damn, you're good.

It wasn't all up
and down the coast.

It was only Fort Lauderdale
during spring break.

Give me the towel. Oh! I
just hate that Sid LaBass.

It's not Sid's fault. He told us
patching the roof wouldn't work.

Let's face it, we're gonna have to
come up with the money for a new roof.

Oh, it's $10,000, Dorothy.

How are we gonna
come up with $10,000?

Well, I hate to do it,

but I do have a couple of
thousand in stock that I could cash in.

Well, I guess I could
close up my Christmas club.

How much is that? Let's
see. We're in January.

So this would be week three.

Then I have a retirement
account that's about four thousand.

OK, I can borrow
on my life insurance.

That should bring us close, huh?

It's settled. We're
gonna call Sid

and tell him to go
ahead with the new roof.

OK.

Oh, Ma, you will not believe what
a terrible day we've been having.

What are you telling me for? You think
I'm hiding Father Flanagan under here?

I got my own problems.
What's wrong, Ma?

Today was the worst
day ever at a hospital,

not counting the
unfortunate mistake

Dr. Feldman made during
my gall bladder surgery.

You ever tried passing a sponge?

What happened, Sophia?

I got stuck with the meanest
patient in this history of medicine.

I mean, just because a
person has two weeks to live,

doesn't mean he
has to be cranky.

Come on, Ma. The man is dying.

I mean, have some sympathy.

You met this DeKimmel character. You
try having sympathy for a guy like that.

DeKimmel? You mean
Jasper DeKimmel?

That's right. You got
it. Pablo Personality.

Oh, girls, listen to me, when a
famous artist like Jasper DeKimmel dies,

the value of his work doubles, sometimes
even triples. You know what that means?

Sure. It means if he dies, those crummy
pictures of his will be worth a fortune.

He'll have more money than
he'll know what to do with.

You almost got it, Rose.

They're gonna auction off some
of Jasper DeKimmel's art this week.

With a piece of inside
information like this,

we could make a killing
buying an original DeKimmel.

Then we could sell the painting

and pay for the roof and
still have money to spare.

To buy whatever we want.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Hold
on, here. Hold on. Come on.

We're behaving like vultures,

like beasts of prey.

I mean, girls, come on.
DeKimmel is a dying man.

Do we... do we really want
to profit from his misfortune?

It would be immoral.

We'd hate ourselves.

What time's the auction?

Eight o'clock.

We'd better get there by 7:30.
We want to get good seats.

Ma, what are you doing in here?

The searchlights were out so I
tunneled out of my room with a spoon.

I couldn't sleep so
I'm having some tea.

If that's OK with you,
Prime Minister Botha?

Oh, I couldn't sleep either.
I had a terrible nightmare.

Was it the dream where
you're a lonely old woman

and your family doesn't want
you so they put you in a home

and never come to see you
or take you out on holidays?

That wasn't my dream.

Oh, yeah, right.
That was my life.

Ma, please, for
the hundredth time,

Shady Pines was a
beautiful retirement village.

Sure, sure. And Attica's known
for its topnotch tennis facilities.

What are you guys doing up?

Conducting a séance
to contact Liberace.

We couldn't sleep. Why
else would we be up at 4am?

I couldn't sleep either,

but I think it was
something I ate before bed.

What did you eat?
Nothing out of the ordinary.

A handful of Snowcaps,

a couple of Devil
Dogs, some Oreos.

Oh, yeah, and a Ho Ho chopped up in
a bowl of fruit cocktail with heavy syrup.

Couldn't sleep? I'm surprised you didn't
try to kill the mayor of San Francisco.

Good morning, girls.
Boy, do I feel wonderful.

I just had the
best night's sleep.

Blanche, it's four in
the morning. What?

Oh, for heaven's
sake. I don't believe it.

Do you know what happens if I
don't spend eight hours in bed?

Iranian guys write their cousins
back home and tell them not to come?

No, I simply cannot
function the next day.

But I always sleep like a baby.
How could this have happened?

None of us could sleep, and
we all know the reason why.

Why?

You are nothing if
not consistent, Rose.

Thank you, Dorothy,

but hot water and oat bran every
morning takes most of the credit.

No, I know what
you meant, Dorothy.

You mean the reason we can't
sleep is 'cause we feel guilty

about profiting from Jasper
DeKimmel's impending death.

I feel creepy every time I
think about it. Oh, me too.

Look, why don't we just
forget the whole thing?

What? No one's
calling anything off.

It's not our fault
the man is sick.

It's not our fault the man
is weaker by the hour.

It's not our fault he needs
a rare blood transfusion.

Did you say a rare
blood transfusion?

Yeah, I overheard
the doctors talking.

In a day or two
he'll be plant food.

It still doesn't feel right.

Let me tell you a story.

Picture it.

Sardinia, 1932.

I thought these stories of
yours always took place in Sicily.

Can't a person go
away for the weekend?

Anyway, I'm on a tour of the
great caper factories of Sardinia.

I was a kooky kid going
through my piccata period.

A wedge of lemon and a
smart answer for everything.

Anyway, I was... I
was slicing an onion

when suddenly
this big basil tree...

Ma, what the hell are you talking
about? You're not making any sense.

I was hoping the late hour
would help to mask that.

I don't have a story about taking
advantage of a dead guy for money.

I got a great story about a
Moroccan and a monkey,

but that really comes
under the heading of lust.

I'm really confused.

Look, life is tough.

I'm not happy that a fellow
human being is passing away,

but it's out of our control.

If we don't make a few bucks
on this deal, somebody else will.

All right. We're all in. Fine.

Welcome to the George Bush era.

Me, me, me.

Now remember, girls,

as far as anybody
else here is concerned,

Jasper DeKimmel is
in perfect health. Right.

I'm surprised Jasper's
not here tonight.

He never misses
one of these auctions.

Well, it's not
because he's dying.

Girls, the auction's
about to start.

Ladies and gentlemen, the
first item before you tonight

is a fine example of
Greco-Roman statuary.

May I have an opening
bid, please, of 20?

I have 20. Do I hear 25?

Why are these statues
always of naked men?

Oh, you see, Rose, the Greeks
and Romans always sculpted men.

They admired the
beauty of the male form.

Its sinewy, muscled hardness,

its rippling loins,
its chiseled buttocks.

My, it's getting hot in here.

It certainly is.

I have 25. Do I hear 30?

Rose, you just made a bid.

How? You did this.

I have 35. Thank
you. Who'll give me...

Great, Dorothy.

Relax, Blanche. It's only $30.

No, it's $30,000.

$30,000? Just for doing this?

I have 35. Who'll give me 40?

What did you do that for? You'll
need both hands to pray he gets 40.

Bid is 35. Going once.

Oh, no! Going twice.

Please. 40,000.

Oh, thank God.

Going once, going twice, sold.

Look, girls, here
comes the painting.

All right, now remember,
10,000 is our absolute limit.

Next we have "Community
Property" by Jasper DeKimmel.

A small piece, but one which will be worth
many times its current value some day.

Like tomorrow.

Keeping a secret just isn't
your strong suit, is it, Rose?

Now, girls, we don't
want to be overeager.

No. Let's be very
cool and laid-back.

We don't want to do
anything to heat up the bidding.

Who'll open the
bidding at 5,000?

5,000.

One of us at a time.

I have 5,000. Do I have 6,000?

Six. Who'll give me 65?

Now, watch how I do this.

If you really play it cool,

you can scare off
the other bidders.

Uh, 6500.

I have 65. Who'll make it seven?

I have seven. Who'll give me 75?

My turn. 75.

I have 75. Who'll give me 8,000?

8,000.

I have eight.

Rose, what are you doing?

You just bid against us.

Oh, I guess I got carried
away with the cool part.

Oh, Rose, I could
just smack you.

I have 85. Oh,
give me that thing.

I have nine. Oh!

Going once, going twice...

Unless you ladies
would like to pay more.

No!

Sold. $9,000.

All right, come on.
Let's go call Ma.

Ma, we got it. We
own a DeKimmel.

Even though he was a
terrible man, I feel guilty.

Find out where we send flowers.

Send flowers to yourself.
The yutz is gonna make it.

They found a donor with
the rare blood type he needed.

Gee, you save a guy's life, all
you get is apple juice and a cookie?

Dorothy? What did she say,
honey? What did she say?

Dorothy.

Oh, girls, let's stop sitting
around here moping.

Now, that painting isn't so bad.

If you stare at it long
enough, it almost looks good.

I tell myself that every
week after thirtysomething.

It still gives me a headache.

The important thing is that we
didn't do anything to feel guilty about.

That's right. Ma saved
a human life. (doorbell)

Even if it did put us in debt

and even if he was the most
miserable, contemptible slug

on the face of this earth.

Look who's here, the runner-up.

I'm here with my
crew to get started.

Sid, there's been
a change of plan.

We can't afford that
new roof anymore.

I don't get it. You
can't afford a roof,

but you can afford a painting like
that? That's a DeKimmel, isn't it?

Yeah. That repulsive trash
is an original DeKimmel.

I have always wanted
an original DeKimmel.

Don't you love the style, the
technique, the use of color?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd give anything to
own a painting like that.

How about that
painting for a new roof?

You're kidding. Of
course she's kidding.

That painting means everything
to me. I could never part with it.

Sophia! Are you crazy?

Crazy about DeKimmel.

Ma'am, would you be insulted if I
made you an offer for that painting?

Please! I'm insulted by
that shirt you're wearing.

That doesn't mean
we can't do business.

Talk to me, Sidney.

Well, what about a new
roof with a five-year warranty?

And $2500. In cash?

No, in pistachio nuts.

Of course. Cash, today.
Tomorrow the price goes up.

DeKimmel isn't
getting any younger.

Well, $2500
seems a little steep.

$3,000. You ticked me off.

Now you're watching
a real artist at work.