The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 21 - Flu Attack - full transcript

Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche all come down with the flu at the same time.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
being a friend" ♪

Stand up straight.

I am standing straight.

No, you're not.
You're slouching.

You're trying to pretend you're
not tall. You do it all the time.

I do not.

Yes, you do.

Ever since you changed
schools in the fourth grade,

the kids thought you
were the substitute teacher.

Well, girls, I did it.

I finally broke down and bought that
dress I've been eyeing for a month.

I thought you were gonna wear the same
silk one you wore to last year's banquet.

Oh, no, I changed my mind.

I decided too many people would recognize
it. It is such a stunning shade of green.

The only thing they'll remember
is the way you fall out of it.

Oh, Sophia.

If you asked people the color,
half of them would say flesh-tone.


Blanche, forgive her.
Ma's a little irritable today.

She doesn't have a
date for the banquet.

I'm just being picky. The
banquet dinner's a big deal.

I don't want to go
with just anyone.

Well, you know, I don't
have a date yet, either.

Blanche Deveraux
can't find a date?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

My only problem
is trying to decide

which of my many suitors
to flatter with an invitation.

After all, it's the social
event of the season.

I guess you'll just have to break
a few hundred hearts, Blanche.

I know. I haven't had to
disappoint so many men

since Daddy tore
down the tree house.

Does anyone know
where the aspirin is?

Buffered, time-release
or synthetic?

Time-release, I guess.

Capsule, tablet or liquid?

Gee, I don't know.

Don't take the one
with the childproof cap.

You could die before
you get the bottle open.

What's the matter, honey?
Aren't you feeling well?

Oh, just a little
achy, that's all.

Achy? What kind of achy? Headachy,
stomach-achy, back-achy, what achy?

Oh, Dorothy, relax. It's probably
a little cold. She'll be all right.

Yes, but I won't.

I hear a story about somebody
catching a cold, and I get one.

I am very susceptible.
I have low resistance.

I have a tendency to
be anemic, right, Ma?

You're a
hypochondriac. That, too.


Oh, gesundheit.

Stay away from me, Rose.

Will you hold still! If
you don't let me finish,

I'll never get this dress
ready by Saturday.

If I get near her, I won't need it
on Saturday. I'll be home in bed.


Don't worry. We'll all
be at that charity dinner.

This is just an allergy.

Believe me, if I were coming
down with something, I'd know it.

And I would't risk getting
the rest of you sick.

You don't have to worry about
me, honey. I never get sick.

I take very good care of myself.
I treat my body like a temple.

Yeah, open to
everyone, day or night.


Oh... I feel hot.

I feel cold.

I feel guilty. This
is all my fault.

Oh, no, Rose. It's all my fault.

The minute I found out
you were contagious,

I should have thrown
you out on the street.

I said I was sorry.

Oh, I feel just terrible.

My eyes are all puffy,

my nose is red, my
glands are swollen.

Isn't it amazing how I can feel
so bad and still look so good?

I can't believe it.

Vinnie Bataglia, the
biggest jerk I know,

just turned down my
invitation to the charity banquet.

Ma, if he's such a big jerk,

why'd you ask him
in the first place?

Because he's the only guy my age

who doesn't wear his pants
up to his chin. I hate that.

Personally, that
never bothers me.

It just looks so painful.

Ma, do you mind answering that?

Why not? Maybe I'll get lucky.

What am I talking about?

If I was lucky, I'd be
shacking up with Cary Grant.

Hello. I'm Dr. Richmond.

I'm looking for a
Dorothy Zbornak?

Dr. Richmond, it's a
pleasure to meet you,

but we were
expecting Dr. Harris.

I'm afraid Dr. Harris couldn't
make it. His wife's having a baby.

Oh, well, normally,
I'd be happy for him,

but right now, I couldn't care less.
What are you going to do for us?

Well, why don't you tell me the kind
of symptoms you've been having?

Well, I have a fever
and my throat is sore

and my stomach is upset,

and I keep having
this recurring dream

where I'm being chased
by a giant Listerine bottle.

When I open my mouth to
scream, all I can do is gargle.


Are you experiencing
the same symptoms?

Yes, except in my dream, I'm
chased by a bottle of Scope.

Well, let's have a
look at you, hmm?

This is the first time a female
doctor's ever examined me.

Feels kind of strange.

I hear that a lot.

You know, the truth is,

despite the progress
that women have made,

medicine is still a man's world.

So... if it'll make
you feel any better,

I used to be a man.


Just a little female
doctor humor.

All right, so
what's the verdict?

Well, ladies, the
flu is going around,

and I'm afraid
you've all got it.

I told them that two days ago.

Tell them something new for $50.

How long is it going
to last? 24 hours, 48?

We're talking at least a week.

A week? Oh.

But we have to go to a
banquet Saturday night.

Can't you give us
a pill or something?

Sorry, ladies. You're going
to have to wait this one out.

Now drink plenty of
liquids, get lots of rest,

and if you're not better
by Monday, give me a call.

Oh, I can't believe it.

If modern science can come
up with cinnamon dental floss,

why can't they cure the flu?

Modern science is overrated. Sometimes
home remedies can work a lot better.

You know, Sophia,
you're absolutely right.

When I was little, Mama used
to rub eucalyptus oil on our necks

and then tie a sock
around to keep it warm.

Why, it cleared your
sinuses up just like that.

My mother always used to sing to
us and make us gingerbread men.

Really, Rose?

I think Michael DeBakey
does that before surgery.

In Sicily, we never
went to the doctor.

We went to the widow Caravelle.

Whatever you
had, she had a cure.

She was best known for this
green salve she used to make

to treat ear infections.

One day, she gave a batch
to Salvador, the village idiot.

He misunderstood the directions

and put it on his linguine
instead of in his ear.

I guess if you're an idiot
with a hearing problem,

you do things like that.

As it turns out, it wasn't
such a bad thing to do.

The stuff tasted great,

and Salvador
decided to market it.

At first, it didn't
move so well.

Linguine with ear
salve on a menu

doesn't look too appetizing.

But once he changed
the name to pesto sauce,

it moved like hotcakes.

Yeah. Ma, you're making this up.

So what? I'm old. I'm
supposed to be colorful.

Dorothy, where's my heating pad?

How should I know?

If this isn't it, I'd like to know
what other electrical appliance

you're using under that blanket.

Blanche, you can't
have it. I need it.

My chest is congested.

Well, what about my
chest? It needs heat, too.

I don't care about your chest.
I just care about my chest.

Well, you're the
only one who does.

OK, Dorothy, slip this on.

Oh, forget it, Ma. I don't
have the strength to stand up.

If you don't try it on now, I
can't finish it by Saturday.

Who am I kidding? I'm not going
to be able to go to that banquet.

None of us is. We
won't be better by then.

Fine. Can I have your date?

Of course, Ma. You can
have my date, my dress

and the dessert at the dinner.

Just leave me alone
with my thermometer

and the one nostril
I can breathe out of.

Great news, girls.

I found my folk medicine book.
It has a cure for everything.

I hope it has a cure for crankiness.
A lot of that going around.

Cranky? Cranky... Would
it be under anything else?

Try Dorothy. Try Blanche.

Oh, come on, girls. Now
let's put on a happy face.

We'll get better much faster.

My cousin Dennis was
a perfect example of that.

When he was 16 years old,

he caught his sideburns
in the hay baler. And then...

Shut up, Rose. Shut up, Rose.

Well, excuse me.

I didn't realize it was
Gang Up On Rose Day.

I have been cooped up listening to
your stupid stories for three days now.

You're just lucky it isn't String
Rose Up From A Tree Day.

Well, I'm not going to let you two
gloomy Guses rain on my parade.

I'm just gonna to
keep on smiling.

Rose, you're sick as a dog.

How can you be so
disgustingly cheerful?

It's my folk medicine book.

It has the most wonderful
hot toddy recipe. Here, taste.

Rose, this stuff should
have an octane rating.

I know. Ha-ha.

Must you do that.

She can't help it, Blanche.
She has to blow her nose.

Or is that a banana?

You miserable...

Oh, would you two knock it
off? It's time for Another World.

You can't watch Another
World. And why not?

Because you
watched it yesterday.

That's exactly why I have
to watch it today, Dorothy.

To find out what happens.

That's why they always say,

"Stay tuned for the continuing
story of Another World."

Too bad, Blanche. Today,
it's my turn to choose,

and we are not
watching Another World.

Oh, you are undoubtedly the
meanest sick person I've ever met,

not to mention the
most unattractive.

Girls, why do we have
to watch TV, anyway?

There are plenty of other
fun things we can do.

We can play cards, listen
to records, bake cookies.

Now, we can't let this
nasty flu get us down.

It's bad enough we
have to miss the banquet,

must we also participate
in a Girl Scout Jamboree?

I was just trying to be
kind, courteous, helpful.

Well, knock it off.

I've had it up to here with
your cheerful disposition.

Oh, do you think it's easy to
be cheerful around you two?

You know how many of these
stinking hot toddies I have to drink

to keep on a happy face?

Well, I'm not gonna
do it anymore.

I'm not speaking
to either of you.

And I'm not speaking
to you, either.

Me, neither. To either of you.

Fine. Fine.


Great news. I got a date.

Well, excuse me for
trying to have a life.

Do we have any
orange juice left?

No, we're all out.

All right, I want an
answer, and I want it now.

Which one of you has been
dipping into my Vicks VapoRub?

I took it. And my chest was
already completely coated.

I did it out of spite

because you lost the
pre-measured cup off my Nyquil.

Rose, I took your stupid
cup. But you know why?

Because I feel lousy, and being
mean to you makes me feel better.

Dorothy Zbornak,

you can go straight to
h-e-double hockey sticks.

"Double hockey sticks"?

Oh, what language.
My ears are burning.

Rose Nylund, you
know what you are?

You are an A-1,
first-class, all-around nerd.

Oh, honey, I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry. Oh.

It's just this flu is
making me crazy.

Oh, it's gotten to all of us.

Do you know we have been at
each other's throats for two days?

I've been the worst. I hope
you two can forgive me.

Oh, girls, let's make a pact.

Let's promise we're gonna help
each other get through this mess.

Would I be too big a nerd
if I asked for a group hug?

Oh, honey, of course not.

What are you doing?

We're having a group hug.

Knock it off. The neighbors
will get the wrong idea.

By the way, I just
called Harriet McConnell

to cancel your
reservations to the banquet.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

She was very disappointed
you all aren't coming,

and I think it's because one
of you won the big award.

The Best Friend of the
Friends of Good Health Award?


Why, what'd she say?

It wasn't what she said,
it was what she didn't say.

What didn't she say?

How the hell do I
know? She didn't say it.

I read between the lines.

Rose, I wouldn't be one bit
surprised if you won that award.

You know, I think
you're right, Blanche.

Sure. You took
part in the walkathon

and the bikeathon
and the telethon.

And the marathon,
but who keeps track?

Blanche, I think you
have a better chance

of winning that
award than I have.

You know, I think you
have a point there, Rose.

Why, sure. You worked
with the senior citizens,

you put in time at
the day-care center,

and you were the volunteer
dummy for the firemen's CPR class.

And don't forget, that
program was my idea, too.

Oh, maybe you're right, I
might have a small chance.

After all, besides
you, who else is there?

Ahem. Ahem.

Dorothy, please. Why don't
you use your handkerchief?

Doesn't anybody remember all
the good work that I have done?

Not really.

I was co-chairman
of the committee

to raise funds for
the new bloodmobile.

I sold 49 cases
of peanut brittle.

You really think selling candy's

gonna qualify you for
that prestigious award?

Oh, excuse me.

I didn't realize that
slipping my tongue

to half the firemen
in the county

was a more lofty
social achievement.

Well, I guess that settles
it. I guess I won the award.

I'm gonna go to that banquet,
and I'm gonna call my date.

Honey, if you can get
a date the way you look,

you deserve that award.

Well, why don't you
call your date, too?

I would love to have you there

so you can eat your heart
out when I accept the award.

Don't worry. I'm gonna be there.

Because I'll be the one
accepting the award.

Well, if you're both
going, I'm going, too.

I have just as much
chance of winning as you do.

You have done some
good work, Dorothy.

But not enough people like you.


Ma, what do you think? Do
I have a chance of winning?


As long as they don't add
a swimsuit competition.

Ahchoo. Ahchoo. Ahchoo.

Doesn't she have the
most adorable little sneeze?

Ah... ah... ah... ahchoo!

It's OK. I didn't want
my salad, anyway.

I'm sorry.


Oh, no, thank you. I'm still
sucking on a Smith Brothers.

Well, good evening, everybody.

Ladies, you're certainly
looking... ha-ha... never mind.

Where's your date, Blanche?

Oh, he'll be along. Never fear.

In plenty of time to see me win the Best
Friend of the Friends of Good Health Award.

Blanche, you must
still be running a fever.

You're hallucinating. I
am going to win that award.


I'm sorry we're late, but
we couldn't find the table.

But then I recognized
Dorothy's hacking.

Everybody, this is Raoul.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Well, looks like we're all here.

Oh, there's my date
now. Why, he must be lost.

I'll just go get him
and bring him over.

Tell me, where are
you from, Raoul?

It's a pleasure to be here.

Raoul doesn't
speak much English.

Ma, where did you meet him?

He owns a flower shop
next to the dog track.

I won big yesterday, so I figured I'd
treat myself and rent him a tuxedo.

You having fun, Raoul?

It's a pleasure to be here.

He kills me.

Everybody, I want you to
meet my friend Tommy Cochran.

Sit down, Tommy.
Tommy's a writer.

According to The New York Times,

he is the most exciting new novelist to
come along since Mr. Norman Mailer.

We met in the park last week.

I was sitting there, reading
Tommy's latest book,

and he came over and
offered to autograph it for me,

and we've just been
inseparable ever since.

Hey, Cochran, what are
you sitting with the guests for?

It's time to serve
the main course.

You want me to come
back after dessert?


Do I have to give back the $25?


I don't think that's fair.

Then give me ten
and get out of here.

Well, what are
you all looking at?

All right, maybe I
don't have a date.

Maybe my date
took one look at me

and said he'd rather die than
be caught in public with me.

And maybe he's right.
Maybe I do look awful.

But think about this...

I still look better
than either one of you.


And so, after I threw up,

I pass out in this
tattoo parlor, right,

where I come to the next morning
just stinking to high heaven.

I look down, and I've got this
scorpion tattooed on my belly.

But it's nice work.
You want to see it?


Dorothy, where did you
find him? He's disgusting.

Well, at least I have a man.

Have one? Sounds
like you swallowed one.

Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?

It's time to present the Friends of Good
Health's Best Friend of the Year Award.

But before we go any further, I
have an announcement to make.

Don Johnson, star of Miami Vice,

who was originally scheduled to
be here, will be unable to attend.

Aw... However, the
producers of the show

were kind enough to
send over the clothes

that he was planning
to wear here tonight.

Girls, before she
announces the winner,

I want to wish you
both the best of luck.

What harm can it do? 'Cause
I'm gonna win the award.

Why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you both just shut up?

And now for the moment that
you have all been waiting for.

The winner of the Best
Friend of the Year Award is...

Miss Sophia Petrillo.


I'm very proud
to win this award.

Who would have guessed an old lady
with a tin can could raise so much dough?

I would like to thank you all

for choosing me to be
the Best Friend of the Year.

I'm a very lucky woman.

Not only do I have

a lot of friends
in this community,

but I have a lot of
good friends at home,

friends who care about me
and care about each other.

I count my blessings every day

because I have
the kind of friends

who stand by you through
the bad and the good.

When you're lucky enough
to find that kind of friendship,

I... I guess you just
want to pass it on.

Wait. May I say a few words,
just to my friends 75 and over?

I'd like you to take a good look
at your dates for this evening.

Now take a look at
mine. Stand up, Raoul.

The man is half my
age. Isn't he gorgeous?

Let's give us both a big hand.

Girls, girls, I am so sorry.

Oh, so am I.

Let's make a
toast to friendship.

Oh. To friendship.
To friendship.

Ah... ah... Ahchoo!