The Golden Girls (1985–1992): Season 1, Episode 20 - Adult Education - full transcript

An adult education teacher offers Blanche a passing grade in his course if she sleeps with him.

♪ Thank you for bein' a friend

♪ Traveled down the
road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the
biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card
attached would say

♪ "Thank you for
bein' a friend" ♪

Let's go, Dorothy. I don't want to miss
my appointment at the beauty parlor.

In a minute, Sophia.

Dorothy's been trying to get through
to the box office for 20 minutes.

I can't be late. The
last time I was late,

Ronald gave me
the broken hair dryer.

I came out looking
like Don King.

Ma, please. All my life I've wanted
to see Frank Sinatra in concert.

I'm not getting off this
phone until I get tickets.

What are you talking about?

I took you and Gloria to see
him at the Paramount Theatre.

I'll never forget it.

From the second he
stepped out on the stage,

I don't know...
something happened.

You fainted. That's
what happened.

I spent the rest of the
evening in the ladies' room,

trying to revive you.

Wasn't until a
couple of years later

that I got another
chance to see Sinatra.

Stan bought tickets
for my birthday.

But two weeks before the
concert, he asked me for a divorce.

I got the house and the
kids. He got the tickets.

Don't think I didn't
put up a fight!

Oh, girls, I have terrible news.

I failed my psychology
exam. I'm just beside myself.

Oh, Blanche, look
on the bright side.

It's just one test.

Yeah, but this is my midterm.
I could fail the whole course.

If I fail this course, I
won't get my degree,

and if I don't get my degree,

the museum won't even
consider me for that promotion.

Oh, I guess there's
no bright side.

Honey, calm down. You're
gonna pass the course.

It simply means that you're
going to have to buckle down

and study a little harder.

At least you're doing well
in your other two courses.

But those are art courses.
They come easier to me.

I've always had a great
appreciation for the arts and artists.

And carpenters and
mechanics and delivery boys.

Yes? Yes, yes,
yes, I'm still here.

Yeah, I'm calling about
the Sinatra concert.

It's what?

What, you-you've kept
me on hold all this time

to tell me that it is sold out?

No, no, I will not
have a nice day!

Oh, darn! I was really
counting on that concert.

Now what'll we do? Don't worry.

I'll make some calls.
I got connections.

Ma, Ma, I'll handle it.

I'm going to call a
couple of ticket brokers.

Fine, big shot. Handle
it. See how far you get.

I just remembered, I know somebody
in show business who can help us.

My best friend in St. Olaf has a nephew
who's a page at NBC in Hollywood.

I'll write to her and
ask her to write to him.

Honey, won't that
take an awful long time?

Oh, I don't mind. I'm
a very patient person.

I once waited two whole
weeks for a sty to go away.

Every night, I'd close my eyes

and I'd picture it getting
smaller and smaller.

And one morning, I
woke up and it was gone.

Ma, you OK?

I'm fine. I'm just trying
to make Rose go away.

Whose theory states...

"A young man becomes
intimate with his mother

to get revenge on his father"?

Well, I don't know who said it,

but my second
cousin Arlen did it.

I think we'd better
try another question.

I am exhausted!

I went to at least a
dozen ticket brokers today.

They all told me the only way I'm
going to get tickets is to go to a scalper.

Oh, you can't buy from
a scalper. That's a crime.

Well, so is eating grapes
at the supermarket,

but you do that all the time.

I have to test them.

Rose, one is
testing, 14 is brunch.

Good lord, I'm a criminal.

Fine, as long as you already
have a record, I can count you in.

Tomorrow, I am
going to a scalper

and I'm going to
buy four tickets.

You'd better make that three.
My final exam is that night.

Oh, honey, that's too bad.

Oh, well, what
difference does it make?

My social life's gone
down the drain anyway.

All I ever do is study.

It cannot be good for you.

It's unnatural, it's unhealthy,

it's unlike me.

No wonder I can't concentrate.

I need a break. I need
a change of scenery.

I need to hit Wally's
Bar for Ladies' Night.

I'll see you all later.
Don't you girls wait up.

Hold it, Blanche.

I don't think you should go
anywhere till you finish your homework.

I'll just be gone a few hours.

You get right back
here and hit those books.

If you want a diploma,
you have to apply yourself.

Do you think Bob Hope got all
those degrees without studying?

Rose, let me handle this.

Listen, Blanche, nobody said that
going back to school would be easy.

Easy? It's impossible.

I cannot pass that
course. I just can't do it.

If you're having such a problem,
maybe you should talk to your teacher.

Oh, I can't do that. I'd
be too embarrassed.

But that's what
teachers are there for.

Oh, I know exactly
how she feels.

I used to be scared
of my teachers, too.

Get out of here.

No, it's true, it's true.

Elementary school
was a nightmare.

I was afraid to talk in class.


Well, I had a slight
speech impediment.

It's different for kids
these days, you know.

They have Barbara
Walters to look up to.

Yeah, but in those days, it
really stood out, you know.

Oh, I don't know, it must
have taken three months

before I could muster
up the courage, you know,

to talk to Mrs. Lenoff.

And it turned out to be the
smartest thing I could have done,

'cause not only did
she help me, you know,

with the speech problem,

she was the one who inspired me
to go into the teaching profession.

You know what? I think
tomorrow after class

I will talk to Professor Cooper.

Good girl.

What ever happened to
your teacher Mrs. Lenoff?

Oh, gosh. Last I heard,
she retired from teaching,

opened a bed and breakfast
someplace in Wode Island.

Rhode Island.

Professor Cooper?

Yes? What can I do for you?

Well, if I might have
a minute of your time.

'Course, if now's not
convenient, I can...

No, no, please,
please, sit. I'm all ears.

Don't sell yourself short.

I don't believe we've
been formally introduced.

I'm Blanche Deveraux.

Yes, I know.

You do? Mm-hmm. Of course.

Oh, I'm flattered.

You're the only student
who failed my midterm exam.


What was it you
wanted to see me about?

Well, Professor Cooper,
I suppose you are aware

that I'm having the teensiest
bit of trouble in your course,

and to be frank, passing this
course is very important to me.

So, I was wondering if maybe
you could give me a little help.

Oh, I see. Well, Blanche, considering
that you flunked the midterm,

you'll need an A on the final
exam to even pass my class,

and the odds on
that seem pretty slim.

But you see, I have to have
these credits to get my degree.

Well, it's going to take a
lot of hard work on your part.

You mean, like extra credit?

Well, you could say that.

Oh, well, that's fine.

I'm ready, willing, and able.
I'll do whatever I have to.

Oh, I like your
attitude, Blanche.

This is my home phone number.

If you really want that
degree, you'll use it.

You catch my drift?



Here we are, Sophia.

The perfect after-dinner
treat. A nice dish of Jell-O.

I hate Jell-O.

If God wanted peaches
suspended in midair,

he would have filled
them with helium.


Beat it, Rose. I'm busy.

What are you doing?

It's Tuesday night. I'm
cleaning out my purse.

Did all that stuff come
out of your purse?

No, I was also
cleaning out my ears.

That's where the Feenamint
and the rain bonnet came from.

Sophia, why are you
in such a bad mood?

Forgive me, Rose, but I
haven't had sex in 15 years

and it's starting to
get on my nerves.

So, big shot, did
you get the tickets?

Can't you say hello first?

Hello, big shot. Did
you get the tickets?

Look, Ma, don't start with
me. I've had a very rough day.

The only scalper I could find

had funny things
moving in his hair,

and he wanted to
bargain in a dark alley.

So what seats did you
get? I didn't get any tickets.

I didn't think it
was exactly safe.

I can't believe you
were such a baby.

In Sicily, we did all our
bargaining in dark alleys.

How do you think I
ended up with your father?

Look, if the tickets
are that hard to get,

maybe we just
weren't meant to go.

Maybe you weren't, Rose,
but two weeks from now,

I intend to be sitting in front
of Old Blue Eyes himself,

live, in-person,
middle-aged spread and all.

Dorothy, you can take
off a few pounds by then

if you put your mind to it.

Oh, girls, I am
devastated, just devastated.

Honey, what happened?

I asked my teacher for
help, like you all told me to.

He said the only way I would get
an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

No! Oh, yes. I just
don't know what to do.

Get it in writing.

Blanche, that is terrible.
I hope you told him off.

Well, first I was so stunned,
I didn't know what to say.

And then I marched
back up to his desk

and I looked him
straight in the eye

and I said, "I'll
think it over."

Blanche, there is
nothing to think over.

What he did is
sexual harassment.

He cannot get away with that.

Well, I don't know if I can
pass this course on my own.

Oh, Blanche, believe
me, in the long run,

you'll be so much happier if you
use your brains instead of your body.

I don't know if I can.

When I was little, I was always
overshadowed by my sisters.

They were all smarter and
more talented than I was.

Then when I was 16, I
discovered I had a talent, too,

the talent to drive men crazy

with a body that many said should
have come with a warning label.

Blanche, please.

After a while, I learned that I
could use my looks to my advantage,

so I did... regularly.

I've done it for so long now, I
don't know if I can get by without it.

Well, maybe this is
a good time to start.

Rose is right.

Listen, you're going
to get an A in that class.

We're going to help you do it.

As far as that professor is concerned,
you should report him immediately.

You think I should? Absolutely.

You know, when I
first started teaching,

the school principal pulled
exactly the same thing on me.

What did you do?

I reported him to the
Board of Education.

They investigated, and
he was forced to resign.

'Course, much later, I found out

that I was not the only
person he had harassed.

I was, however, the
only person he harassed

while he was wearing
a corset and high heels.

Well, at any rate, I spoke out,

and because I did,
a lot of other women

didn't have to go
through the same thing.

Dorothy, you're right. I
have made up my mind.

I'm going to see the dean
about Professor Cooper.

Very wise decision.

Nils Felander attempted
to harass me repeatedly.

What do you mean,
he attempted to?

He worked at Lars Erikson's
Drugstore and Tackle Shop.

He was a soda jerk.

Now that I think about
it, he was the town jerk.

Every Saturday afternoon,
I'd go in and have a sundae.

Well, Nils would arrange
the ice cream scoops

in an obscene way.

I could never prove it,

because by the time I would take
it home to show my father, the...

the evidence had...
melted. Melted. Yes.

To this day, every time

I pass an ice cream parlor
or a tackle shop, I blush.

Look, Coach, I want
Leon off the team.

I don't care if he is 6'11"
and weighs 300 pounds.

The boy can't spell his own name

unless he copies
it off his jersey.

Well, no, I'm not
gonna tell him.

You tell him. You're the coach.

Dean Tucker?

Come in, come in. Look,
we'll talk about it later.

Oh! Oh, boy. Problems,
problems, problems.

My mother wanted
me to be a priest,

but no, I had to pursue the
flashy world of academics.

Oh, I'm... Sit down, sit down.

Thank you. Dean Tucker,
my name is Blanche Deveraux,

and I have something extremely
important to discuss with you.

Could this wait till next week?

I've only been dean
here for a couple of days.

I haven't got a secretary,

I can't get my
parking validated.

I don't even know
where the restroom is.

I was sexually harassed
by Professor Cooper.

Oh, don't do this to me.

Please, I beg you.

We'll look into this first
thing Monday morning.

It can't wait.

You're right. We'll do
something immediately.

We'll, uh, we'll
fill out a form.

There must be one
in here somewhere.

OK, Sexual Discrimination,

Sexual Education,
Sexual Harassment.

OK, I'm going to have to
ask you a few questions.

Well, Lord, I
can't ask you this.

I can't even ask
my own wife this.

I'd like to.

Dean Tucker, what happened
to me was really quite simple.

I'm not doing very well in
Professor Cooper's class,

so he offered to give me an A

i-if I would... Do number five?

Actually, number 5, 6, and 7B.

Why, that's terrible!

Were there any witnesses?

No. Oh. Oh.

Well, that complicates things.

Why, don't you believe me?

It's not a question of
whether or not I believe you.

Without substantial evidence,
it's just your word against his,

and a man's career is at stake!

Well, so is mine, not
to mention my dignity.

I'm sorry. Look, I really
am. I'd like to help you.

Unfortunately, there's
nothing I can do.

But that's not fair!

Miss Deveraux, life is not fair.

I should know. I'm 43
years old, and, until today,

I never even heard of 7B.

Well, I've known
about it for some time,

and as far as I'm concerned,
you can go do it to yourself.

Oh, hello, Rose.

Blanche, you won't believe
what happened to me today.

It was so exciting.

I've been waiting for somebody to come
home so long I thought I was gonna burst.

Well, you won't believe what
happened to me today in the dean's office.

I was driving down
Biscayne Boulevard,

listening to WREQ,
the big band station.

I usually listen to
WXDC, all talk radio,

but this morning, a little
voice told me to turn the dial,

so I did, and I tuned in right
in the middle of this contest.

They were looking
for the 12th caller.

Well, 12 has always
been my lucky number,

so I pulled over and I
got my change ready...

I always keep two dimes in the crook
of the door handle for emergencies...

and by the time I got
through, I was the 12th caller.

I won four tickets to the
Frank Sinatra concert!

Rose Nylund, you get
your bohonkus back in here

and listen to
what I have to say.

Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry. What
were you trying to tell me?

Well, Rose, I just don't
know what I'm going to do.

Three tickets to Old Blue Eyes.

It's finally going to happen.

But, Dorothy... Rose, please.

I went down to the
auditorium today

and out front,

I saw a kid scalping
tickets to this woman.

So I figured this
is my last chance.

I raced over, took her aside,

explained to her how much I'd
always wanted to see Sinatra.

And guess what? She
let me buy the tickets!

It was that easy,
just 'cause you said

how much you wanted
to see Frank Sinatra?

Yeah, that and that I only
had three weeks to live.

Dorothy... These are
desperate times, Rose.

Boy, I'll say. Today, when
I went to the dean's office...

I got tickets, too. This
is such a coincidence.

I was driving down
Biscayne Boulevard...

No! No, no, no, please.
I cannot bear that again.

She was listening to her car
radio... big band, not all talk.

There was a contest.

Something about a little voice, a lucky
number and a dime in a door handle.

Then bim, bam, boom,
she won the tickets.

Take a lesson, Rose.

That's how you tell a story.

Blanche, here we've been
running on about the concert,

and you haven't even had
a chance to tell your story.

Go ahead.

Never mind. I don't
feel like it anymore.

Honey, come on, we're
sorry. We're listening now.

You have our complete attention.

All right.

I went to see Dean Tucker today.

So, big talker,

did you get your mitts
on any tickets yet?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Three tickets, rear orchestra.

Three tickets, third row center.

Ma, how in the world
did you get these?

Easy. I called Frank.

I told you I had connections.

You know Frank Sinatra?

No, Frank Caravicci...

from the fish market.

He's always been good to
me. Never a bad piece of cod.

He knows Frank. Sinatra?

No, Frank Tortoni,
the dry cleaner,

Tina's third cousin
once removed.

Tina Tortoni?

Tina Sinatra!

What are we gonna do
with ten whole tickets?

I got it, I got it.

We'll scalp them in
front of the theater.

Oh, come on, Rose. After what
we went through to get them,

the least we can
do is break even.

Whoever gets these tickets is gonna
be very grateful. Now, what do you say?

Oh, who cares
what she has to say?

I have been trying
for five minutes

to tell you about my
meeting with Dean Tucker,

and all you two can do is
go on about your silly concert.

Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.
What can we do for you?

Nothing. I've decided
I have to do it myself.

Since the dean was
no help whatever,

I've decided the only one
who can help me is me.

Oh, I'm going to show that
Professor Cooper something.

Now if you'll excuse me, ladies,
I have some tall studying to do.

Only first I think, as a
reward for working so hard,

I'll make myself an
ice cream sundae.

Uh, Rose, I suggest
you leave the room.

I may get a little crazy
with the chopped nuts.

Pencils down.

Well, where is everybody?

Just you and me, Blanche.

Well, looks like we're
finally at the crossroads.

Whatever do you mean?

I mean, I know you've been
having trouble with this course,

and I'd hate to see
you have to repeat it.

You know, Professor Cooper,

I've been thinking
about what you said,

and I have no intention
of repeating this course.

Good. I'm glad you decided
to take me up on my offer.

Oh, I'm declining your offer,
but I do want to thank you.

For what? Thanks to you, I
studied all day and all night.

Whenever I felt like giving up,

I would just think about what
kind of man you really are,

and I'd study even harder.

You made me so mad, I decided to get
an A on this test come hell or high water,

and I think I did.

I, sir, am a lady.

Maybe not the smartest
lady in the world,

but I do know that my
self-respect is more important

than passing your damn course.

So you, sir, can kiss my A.

Oh, thank goodness you're...
I have been worried sick!

Do you realize it's
almost two in the morning?

I was about to call the police!

You should have.
That's who we were with.

What? What happened?

Look, I don't want
to talk about it.

Oh, well, all right, but somebody
tell me before I die of suspense.

My brilliant daughter
scalped the tickets

to an undercover policeman.

Ma, get off my back, huh?

You're lucky I was with you.
You'd still be in the slammer

if I hadn't faked
that heart attack.

My life will be ruined if this
ever gets home to St. Olaf.

What'll they do, Rose?

Revoke your ice fishing license?

Take back your
helmet with the horns?

I mean, I'm the injured party.

Obviously, I am destined to never
see Frank Sinatra face to face.

They're called longenhodden.

What is called longenhodden?

The helmet with the horns.

Why, for two... Girls!

Not one soul has
asked me about my test.

Oh, Blanche, we
forgot. How did it go?

Well, I think I passed
with flying colors.

But best of all, I told off
that nasty old professor.

Honey, congratulations. You're
going to be a college graduate.

Oh, we're so proud of you.

Well, thank you, but I couldn't
have done it without you girls.

Oh, now you can get that
promotion at the museum.

Oh, no, didn't I tell you?
That position was filled.

Oh, you're kidding.

No, the museum director
gave it to Sally Folgeson.

The money I spent on tuition, she
spent on a tummy tuck and a butt lift.

Blanche, I hope
you're not discouraged.

Oh, not one bit.
My time will come.

One day, her butt
will turn to mush,

but I'll always have my degree.

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