The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 20 - Episode #9.20 - full transcript

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s,
my mom was a well-established

pain in the ass at school.

No one was safe...

Earl... Earl... Earl...

Unacceptable, Earl.

Especially Principal Earl Ball.

From complaints to rants to
questions and suggestions...

Oh, crap, she's already here!

For my mom, Ball's
door was always open.

Knock-knock! Whoa!

Saying "knock-knock"
is not the same

as actually knocking
and giving a person time

to hide under his desk.

I have important Quaker
Warden business, Earl.

Uh-huh. What do you
see in this Polaroid?

A urinal.

This is the urinal from
the third-floor boys' room.

And there is a giant
chip in the porcelain.

How long have you been
photographing our urinals?

Our boys are princes.

Do you really expect them to
make pishy on chipped porcelain?

Which answer ends
this conversation?

None of them do.

And in anticipation
of your question,

"Where are we
gonna get the money

for a school-wide
urinal reglazing?,"

the answer is simple.

Take it out of Mrs.
Montag's salary.

The Latin teacher.

That language is dead.
And let's face it,

it's only a matter of months

before Montag jumps
in the grave with it.

You raise an important point

which merits careful

Be right back.

Goldberg. Aah! You
have light footsteps.

It's come to my attention
that you would like to use

the school's fancy, new
Avid editing machine?

And how!

I'm completely underwater

editing my new
"Blade Runner" spoof.

I call it "Blade Walker."

But it's still over three hours,

and the test audience,
Dave Kim, is not having it.

None of that interests
me in the least.

But [ Keys jingling ]

here... Keys to
the editing suite.

Bless your administrative heart.

But there is a certain
quid pro quo involved.

Oh, I don't know any Latin.

Mrs. Montag pretty much sleeps
through the entire class.

Someone should check on her.

What I'm saying
is, I need to know

what your mother plans
to do after you graduate.

Power walks, annoy people,
argue with shop clerks.

More of the same, I guess.

I meant job-wise.

She hasn't said anything
about next year.

But I guess I could find out.

I need you to press your sweaty
little thumb on the scale

and push really hard
toward her leaving.

You think I actually have
influence over what she does?

Well, I imagine you
will find a way.

There you are, Earl.

You left me hanging
in your office.


I was just having a chat

with your multitalented son.

Yep. Principal Ball was
just giving me the keys

to the new Avid suite. No, no.

I will you give you them
after you accomplish

the task which you have
promised to do for me.

I think you should
give me the keys

to incentivize me
to do the task.

That's not gonna happen.
First keys, then task.

No, no! First task, then keys!

My actual son and my work
husband have such a fun vibe.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

Captions by VITAC...

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was a Sunday
night, 1980-something,

which for Erica and Geoff

meant Chinese food
at the Schwartzes'.

Who's ready for Sunday
Chow Fun Day?! Barry: Ha!

One of the days of the week

rhymes with an
Asian noodle dish.

My dad's hilarious. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, watch out, Eddie Murphy.

Someone's looking to fill
your red leather suit.

[ Laughter ] Yeah, for Erica,

Sunday nights felt like
a whole lot of the same,

from Linda's fawning
over Geoff...

Congratulations, Erica. You
won the husband lottery!

[ Laughter ] to
Lou's corny jokes...

"Help! I'm a prisoner in
a fortune-cookie factory!"

[ Laughter ]

Oh, Lou, you are terrible.

Yes, he is.

And the menu choices that
weren't for everyone.

Erica, sweet-and-sour
turkey neck?

I'm good. I had a couple
of necks for lunch.

Neck me, Lou. It's the
chewiest part of the head.

And like clockwork,

at exactly whenever
they felt like it,

Barry and Joanne would take off.

Well, this has been a treat,

but now I'm full and
bored, so we're out tie.

Time to go watch
"21 Jump Street."

It's about ridiculously
handsome undercover cops

investigating crimes
in high schools.

It seems like that wouldn't be
enough to fill out a series.

Oh, for sure. Ta!

Hold up. Why do
they get to leave?

I think of it more
like we get to stay.

Sometimes, I don't know
who the lucky ones are.

I think I have a good idea.

Finally, Erica's least-favorite
part of the night...

Geoffrey, would you mind?

We've got quite the
Sonny-do list this week.

The chores, which Lou and Linda

would always pile on Geoff.

"Replace batteries
in smoke detectors.

Program VCR. Refill humidifier.

Empty dehumidifier."

Hey, what do you say we put the
humidifier and the dehumidifier

in the same room and
let them fight it out?

[ Laughter ]

Well, fans of that joke

will have next week
to look forward to

and last week to look back on.

To put it mildly, Erica's
Sunday was in no way a fun day.

Wasn't that such a delight?

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

I don't enjoy Sunday
night at your parents'.

Wha?! It's the same, exact
thing every single week.

Yeah, because it's tradition.

Geoff, we're married now.

We can start a new tradition...

Of never doing your parents'
Sunday-night thing again.

Never again? Come on.

We can snuggle up and order in.

Oh, we can watch "Jump Street."

I mean, I guess I do enjoy

Johnny Depp's whole
undercover vibe.

He carries a gun and a
backpack. There you go.

You like what you like,

and I like no more
lame-ass Sundays.

What?! "Jump Street."

While Erica was putting the
brakes on Sunday dinner,

it was time for me to try to
steer my mom toward retirement.

Nice new sedan, Jackie.
Kudos to your divorce lawyer.

Come on, Theresa.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to
pick up your twins either,

but I need you moving forward.

Mom, can I talk to you?

Make it quick. I'm
helping others.

Move it!

Apropos of nothing,

I was wondering if you're
gonna retire next year?

Why would I do that?

I'm the Quaker Warden,

entrusted with promoting
kindness and family values.

Slow the [bleep] down, Candace!

Anyway, what would
Earl do without me?

Oh, I think he'd find a way to
soldier on. [ Tires screech ]

Where's this coming from,
schmoo? [ Horn honks ]

I just want you to
have a fulfilling life.

I've had a great career here.

I'm excited for New York.

Maybe there's a new
chapter for you, too.

Think about it. Huh.

With that, I got my mom's
mind racing about her future.

Meanwhile, Geoff's bad
news to his parents

stopped them dead
in their tracks.

You're boycotting
Sunday Chow Fun Day?

He didn't say the word
"boycotting," Lou.

Thank you, Mom.

He just said that he
doesn't love us anymore.

What?! No!

It's just now that
Erica and I are married,

we've decided to spend our
Sunday nights together.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Of course it does.
This guy gets it.

Well... try to keep in touch.

Dad, it's not like I'm
never gonna see you again.

Geoffrey, please don't explain.

You're a married man.

You've got to do what
you've got to do.

Preach, Louie. But I'll
still come by all the time.

I can still do the
chores. No need.

Your father and I can figure out

how to change the batteries
in the smoke detectors.

Or if we can't, I guess
we'll find out the hard way.

Mm. Well, enjoy
your Sunday nights

and, you know, the
rest of your lives.

Samesies. Alright, uh,
let's hit it, Geoff.

Be gone, Geoffrey!

The sooner you go,

the sooner your mother and
I can start the healing.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Our spark may be out,
but our bodies live on.

Alright, I'm gonna
pull the car around.

As Geoff felt the sting
of ditching his parents,

school was buzzing with
a mystery announcement.

Any idea what the
assembly's about?

Probably something about

how only we can
prevent forest fires.

It feels like there has to
be someone more responsible.

[ Feedback ]

Treasured students,

distinguished faculty, Brea...

Hard not to feel
singled out by that.

As your Quaker Warden,
we have laughed together,

cried together,

and grown together.

But as all good things
must to come an end,

so, too, must this.

Where is this going?

Which is why the end
of this academic year

will mark the end of my
tenure as your Quaker Warden.

Am I dreaming?

I don't think I'm dreaming,
'cause I'm not naked.

Sadly, Dale, it's not a dream.

Hit it, kids.

♪ I guess I thought
you'd be here forever ♪

♪ Another illusion
I chose to create ♪

♪ You don't know
what you've got ♪

♪ Until it's gone ♪

♪ And I found out ♪

♪ A little too late ♪

♪ Now, being without you ♪

♪ Takes a lot of
getting used to ♪

♪ Should learn to live with it ♪

♪ But I don't want to ♪

Choir: ♪ Being without you ♪

♪ Is all a big mistake ♪

♪ Instead of getting easier ♪

♪ It's the hardest
thing to take ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you, babe ♪

[ Crying ] ♪ You're a
hard habit to break ♪

[ Light applause ] I
want to thank you all

for giving me the
opportunity to serve you,

especially my partner in
crime, Principal Earl Ball.

Look at him smiling
bravely over there.

Stay strong, Earl. Will do.

Now, I've earmarked the next
hour for a retrospective Q&A.

I have a "Q."

What are you gonna do now
that you're leaving us

high and, if I might add, dry?

Well, John, I've decided to take
my talents to New York City.

What talents are those, exactly?

My parenting talents.

I am gonna follow Adam to NYU.

What's that, now?

She said she's going to
NYU, where I'm also going.

This suddenly affects me.

Actually, it was Adam's
idea for me to join him.

That was not at all my idea.

He said, "Mama,

let's go write our next
chapter together in New York."

Those were neither my
words nor my intention.

Any other questions?

Yeah, mine's not so much
a question as a comment.

This is the happiest day
of my teaching career.

[ Laughing ] Oh! Too much, Dale.

Oh, thank you for adding
levity to a difficult time.

And thank you, schmoo.

This is all because of you.

Assembly dismissed.

Big thanks, Goldberg.


Happy editing.

My mom's decision to
retire from William Penn

and join me at NYU was my fault.

All I could do
was try to fix it.

Ball, I need you
to convince my mom

to stay here as Quaker Warden.

Here's the thing.


I'm in real trouble here, man!

Me too. Do I look like I
need more social impediments?

Those sound like
Dave Kim problems.

But you're our principal.

Aren't you supposed to
care about our experience?

You would think.

But I got to tell you,

news of your mom leaving has
put a real bounce in my step.

And look!

Are you actually regrowing hair?

Y-Yes! And it's not just me.

Take a look. What do you see?

Mr. Woodburn is doing
a one-man conga line.

Ms. Hooper found a hula-hoop.

And Helen, the cafeteria lady,
is working a margarita machine.

[ Machine whirring ] It's
Cinco de Mayo somewhere.

It really isn't.

I did you a solid,

and now my college experience
is gonna eat turds.

I probably won't
even go anymore.

I'll just join my cousin
selling junk bonds.

Sure, I'll have a
white leather couch

and a doorman that high-fives me
and says, "D. K. In the house!"

But it's not college!

Sorry. Deal's a deal.

Margarita me, Helen.


Come on, Dave Kim. I
think I have an idea.

While I had a plan for how to

get my mom off our
collegiate backs,

Erica and Geoff were enjoying
a Sunday night with no plans.

Do you think the people
at 22 Jump Street suspect

that they live next to a bunch
of undercover high-school cops?

Well, actually, 22 Jump Street
would be across the street,

not next door, because
it's an even number.

Why so sullen? We're living
the Sunday-night dream.

I know. It's just

this is the first
time I can remember

not spending Sunday
night with my parents.

You say that like
it's a bad thing.

I miss my dad's
fortune-cookie jokes.

But by this time, you'd
be refilling ice trays.

Do you really miss that?

And, besides, Barry's
doing that stuff now.

I guess you're right.

I mean, they're in good hands.

They're in the best hands.

That may not have
been exactly true.

Lou, I'm full of duck
and ready to rock.

Give me that list of yours.

You know, I can probably hunker
down and do this all myself.

Nonsense, Lou. No.

Your game is eyeballs.

Mine is dominating
your lame to-do list.

Now, someone grab
me a pair of pliers,

a random number of
batteries of any size,

and a leftover leg
of that Peking duck.

I thought you said
you were full.

I was Linda, but
when I stood up,

the food in me shifted
and created more room.

I'm like a suitcase that way.

Yeah, you are.

While Barry geared up
to step in for Geoff,

the teachers had stepped up

and thrown my mom
a going-away party.

Beverly, it's with a heavy
heart and an inadequate knife

that I attempt to cut
this ice-cream cake

that Helen was supposed
to remove from the freezer

an hour ago.

I'm also supposed to change out
the chili from week to week.

What can you do?
[ Knock on door ]

Mama, I made a little
video for this occasion.

Raise your hand if you're tired
of this kid's videos already.

I don't have to be
nice to you anymore.

You were nice to me?

Anyway, Principal Ball,

I think you'll see I put the new
editing equipment to good use.

Oh, no.

You have an inner
calm which suggests

you've regained the upper
hand. Let's find out.

Dave Kim, lights. What
Ball didn't count on

was that I'd make a video
so emotionally manipulative,

it would make my mom
never want to leave.

I'm John Glascott.

I'm gutted, because, soon,

the sun will go down on my
place of employment forever.

Our Quaker Warden is like
bumpers in a bowling alley.

She keeps you from
ending up in the gutter,

where I was no doubt headed.

I feel sorry for
the hundreds of kids

who have to walk these halls

without Beverly's
loving support.

Adam, this is bull[bleep]

We also share a small patch in
the community garden together,

although I do the
majority of the work,

and her carrots are dead.

Students, you will always

cherish the time you spent with

Beverly Goldberg.

Thank you, Beverly, for
all you've given us.

[ Crying ]

[ Sad music playing ]

[ Typewriter clacking ]



It's almost like I died.

You didn't die, Mama.

The school did.

Isn't that right, Dave Kim?

I lowered the flag to half-mast.

It was difficult, 'cause
I'm not good with ropes.

Luckily, one child... me...

Gets to continue to
have you in their life,

instead of thousands.

But a choice has been made,

and there's probably no
way to reverse it, right?


I guess it makes the most sense

to leave all the
innocent children

in these deeply
flawed people's hands.

Damn it, I'm sorry.
Adam, I can't.

I'm staying here. What?!

Why?! Hot dog!

Look, I know you're
shocked, and so am I,

but how can I leave after seeing
how much I mean to this place?

[ Squeals ]

[ Laughter ]

And that's how you do that.

You are not gonna
get away with this.

I think I already did.

Adult Adam: As I regained the
upper hand and got my mom to stay,

Lou's to-do list was in
good hands, thanks to Barry.


It's fall ahead,
spring behind, right?

I don't know clocks. I
get up when I'm hungry.

I've never been more confident
about a 50/50 guess in my life.

[ Clicks tongue ] Next was "change
batteries in smoke detectors."

Are you sure that's
a new battery?

[ Smoke detector chirping
] Define "sure" and "new."

I only ask because it's beeping.

[ Chirp ] That's the sound of it

detecting you're a smoke show.

[ Exhales sharply ] Oh!

And then "fix Lou's
reading glasses."

Finally, "change
light bulb in fridge."

Why does he need a new bulb?
I can see in here just fine.


bananas-in-the-fridge people.

Okay. With that, the
list was complete...

End of story.

Or was it?

I'm hardly tired, but I
guess the clock doesn't lie.

Because the clock had
been adjusted wrong.

[ Groans ] Lou accidentally
went to bed earlier than usual.

That meant the usually
heavy-sleeping Lou

was fully awakened [ Chirp ]

by the beeping of
the smoke detector.

[ Birds chirping ]

After changing the
battery himself,

Lou was pretty worked up.

So he thought he'd wind down

with a little nighttime reading.

Spin your saucy
yarn, Jackie Collins.

But there was no Jackie
Collins with busted glasses.

So instead of reading,
Lou grabbed a beverage

from the pitch-black
fridge. What the...

Can't see a darned...

Oh, no! Whoa! [ Thud ]



I can't find my Jackie
Collins book anywhere.

Other bad things have
happened tonight, Linda!

After my mom announced she was
staying on as Quaker Warden,

Principal Ball had an
announcement of his own.

In light of recent
events, I have decided,

at the end of this school year,

I will be stepping
down as your principal.

Say it ain't so. Are you
leaving because of me?

I can do better.

This is just like my
parents' divorce last week.

I've been doing a
lot of reflecting.

Yesterday, I saw a butterfly
land on a daffodil,

and in that moment
of profound beauty,

I realized

life is too short for this crap.

Anyway, assembly dismissed.

Assembly un-dismissed. I,
too, have an announcement.

Oh, no. The recent announcement
by my colleague, Principal Ball,

uh, has made me realize
that without him by my side,

I have no purpose here.

So I, too, am stepping down.

[ Students murmuring ]

Seems weird all of this is
playing out in front of us.

In light of the Quaker Warden's
even-more-recent announcement

of her departure,

I would like to announce
that I have reconsidered

and I will be staying
on as your principal.

Ugh! I've seen pretzel
factories with fewer twists.

Don't they have staff
meetings or... [ Feedback ]

Uh, but you just said
life was too short.

But... But I re-re-considered.

And... And the butterfly and
the daffodil... big yawn.

Life is exactly
the right length.

Well, then I'm
staying, too. Ha ha!

Then I'm going.

I don't think she's getting
what he's doing here.


Oh. Hey, look at
that. She got it.

You don't want to leave.

You just want to be
wherever I'm not!

How can I convey this?



In that moment, it was clear...

Neither my mom
nor Principal Ball

really wanted to leave,

and I had to be the
one to remind them why.


It's true... I wanted
independence at college.

But, Principal Ball, you don't
really want my mom to leave.

It feels like that
is what I want.

No! I think, deep down,
you have affection for her.

And you share the same goal...

Making sure every kid who
passes through this place

gets the very best they deserve.

I suppose. But she just makes
it so darn difficult sometimes.

But all of you have benefited
from having her here...

From the shiny, new urinals

to safer parking lots

to teachers who care deeply.

She's made this school,
and you, better.

Well, she did
fight for me to win

the Educator of the Year Award,

which is usually just
a beauty contest.

And she always checks the
dates on the cans I open.

I mean, who does that?

She got me chalk when
I asked you for chalk

and you said to go to the
"chalk-o-late factory,"

but you didn't really tell
me where the chalk was.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

Oh, just come back to me later.

You know I'm your
biggest champion.

Principal Ball: Enough!

I will meet you halfway.

Will you just back off a tad?

No. No?

If I do, then the kids
won't get what they need.

Damn it!


I guess we can both stay.

[ Gasps ] Ahh!

Oh, you want me!
You really want me!

Best assembly ever.

As two important pieces
of the William Penn puzzle

came together, Geoff was
left to pick up the pieces.

Dad, are you okay? He's fine.

Just a headache and a pretty
good bump on the pumpkin.

I'm so sorry this
happened to you, Lou.

You should be. This is on you.

Excuse me? None of this
would have happened

if you hadn't made
such a big deal

about doing our own
Sunday-night thing.

I like being with my parents.

I even like doing their chores.

In your face, Erica.

But it's also on both of
you. What are you saying?

I love you guys so
much, but sometimes,

you take advantage of me.

Now whose face is it in?

I suppose we do take advantage,

but it's just that
we love spending time

with our sweet boy. We all do.

[ Belinda Carlisle's "Mad About
You" plays ] Look, there's no reason

that we can't compromise.

Some Sunday nights we'll be at
home, and some, we'll be here.


And you're okay with that?

If it's with you, definitely.

Can we watch something besides
Geoff just doing chores?

What else do you have in mind?

We'll think of
something... Together.

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Marriage is a push and a pull,

just like all relationships.

But if you and the important
people in your life

remember that you want
the same things...

♪ Mad about you ♪

you'll always feel

like you're in the right place.

What are you? Morton Downey?

Are we supposed to believe
those adult gentlemen are boys?

Yep. Yep.

I love it!

[ Laughter ]

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Something 'bout you ♪

There they are. We just came to give
you our laundry. Extra softener.

I like my towels buttery.

I heard you've been

spending Sundays
with the Schwartzes.

And I wanted to grab a day,

so say hello to Tuesdays
with my Schmoos Day.

Ooh! What fun wordplay.

And by the heat of Erica's
glare, I'm disengaging now.

Then it's Momtober Fest,

a 31-day celebration of
my affection for you.

I'm gonna be out of town
all of Momtober. What?

[ Clears throat ]
Yeah. You can't say no

to Friday Fry Day,

where I will deep-fry
anything you want.

Hear my word. No.

Even vegetables?

There they are. We just came to give
you our laundry. Extra softener.

I like my towels buttery.

I heard you've been

spending Sundays
with the Schwartzes.

And I wanted to grab a day,

so say hello to Tuesdays
with my Schmoos Day.

Ooh! What fun wordplay.

And by the heat of Erica's
glare, I'm disengaging now.

Then it's Momtober Fest,

a 31-day celebration of
my affection for you.

I'm gonna be out of town
all of Momtober. What?

[ Clears throat ]
Yeah. You can't say no

to Friday Fry Day,

where I will deep-fry
anything you want.

Hear my word. No.

Even vegetables?