The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 19 - Grand Theft Scooter - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
the special ladies in my life,

my girlfriend, Brea, and my mom,

weren't always on the same page.

Adam's kind of a nerd.

Brea Bee, I will
run over your bike.

She just tried to ship
me off to the North Pole.

She called our family
crazy for some reason.

ADULT ADAM: And as the
sun set on my senior year,

splitting time between
them proved very tough.

I can't sit next
to my girlfriend?

You're sitting next to
your original girlfriend.



ADULT ADAM: That is, until my
mom hit us with a big surprise.

Hello, Adam and Brea.

Or as they say in Miami,

"Hola, Adam and Brea."

A year ago this
would've surprised me,

but now I just say,
"There she is."

Don't engage. Too late.

Brea already made eye contact,

and now I want to show
you both my special gift.

It's an early graduation present

for my Mr. Pibb and his
little Orange Crush.

Is it soda? Brea,
this isn't your house.

Here we have soda
whenever we want it.

It could still be a trap.



Adam, it's just a box.

You are really
taking a long time.

[GASPS] Yay! I'm
incredibly generous.

Plane tickets to Miami?!

Because I love Adam, and you're
the girl he loves for now.

[SQUEALS] Thank you,
thank you, thank you!

You deserve it.

Okay, now, what's the catch?

Is it a catch that
you'll be staying

in a luxurious
beachfront condominium?

Awesome. Keep going.

That was left to me
by my beloved father.

Which still contains
all of his belongings

that I've been
unable to deal with.

I see. She's not finished.

So in between fun in the sun,

I'll need you to sort,
label, and box these items,

which are loaded with
emotional significance.

Why didn't I see it?

And the cap per is...

Oh, well, I'm coming along, too.

And there it is!

Adam, wait. It is Miami.

And she said we'll still
get a lot of fun in the sun.

So much sun. Maybe too much.

Adam tends to burn where
his tushy meets his thighs.

It'll be every night
with the aloe for me.

C'mon. What do you say?

For me?

Fine. But I get to wear

my Police Academy 5:
Assignment Miami Beach T-shirt.

Daddy needs a win, too. Yay!

My baby and I are
going on a trip!

[CHUCKLES] And
Brea will be there.

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪♪

ADULT ADAM: It was April
20th, 1980-something,

and my sister was at
a crucial juncture

on her way to becoming a lawyer.

She was about to find
out her LSAT score.

Relax, I'm sure you did great.

You've been working so hard.

Now, open it.

Oh, my God. I bombed.

Come on. I'm sure you just...

Wow, that is a low score.

Okay, how do I spin this?

You're so pretty!

It's over. Forget law school.

I'm just gonna be
a doctor's wife

who drives around aimlessly
crying in her Mercedes.

Or you just take the test again.

You're the smartest
person I know.

Crap. Barry's coming.

And he just got his MCAT scores.

God, I bet he aced
'em, the idiot.

He can't know about this.

But he knows you took the test.

I mean, I'm not sure we
can keep it from him.

It's called lying, Geoff.

And a husband lies for his wife.

No matter what the circumstances
are or how wrong she is.

He does? Do you
remember that woman

who was arrested for burying
her mailman in the garden?

Where did her husband say
that she was that weekend?

Apple picking in Vermont?

Exactly.

Because that's what marriage is,

love and covering
up heinous crimes.

I don't know. I've never
lied to Barry before.

Oh, it's easy. I'll show you.

There's my favorite person

who definitely doesn't
smell like the towel

that you use to dry the dog.

Actually, sister,
what you're smelling

is the musk of dominance.

'Cause I just crushed the MCAT.

Nice, Bar!

It is nice.

I now have my pick
of med schools.

And everyone in this mall

will be a flea on my
rump if I were a horse.

Unless they're my
patient, in which case,

they'd be the salt
lick to my horse

and get the best
care money can buy.

Got a little lost
in the horse talk,

but all sounds
great, I think.Yeah.

Oh, Erica did well on her LSAT.

A perfect score. Wow, okay.

I'll have my pick
of law schools,

but I'll probably
focus on helping people

instead of making money.

Thus proving how lawyers
are dumber than doctors.

Now, who will fetch me
a celebratory stromboli?

And who will fetch mine?

Uh, I guess me? There ya go.

Those of us who
aced graduate-level

standardized tests
need to be served.

Okay. And all the napkins.

I... I'm a little surprised.

You're famously terrible
at taking tests.

Well, now I'm famously
the best at it.

And let's drop it because
I'm also famously modest.

[COUGHING]

Oh, my God. Is he choking?

Relax, food court!

I just did very well on my MCAT!

I'm basically a doctor!

Now, if a patient
can't make a sound,

then he's definitely choking.

Sir, are you choking?

You gotta speak up, I
can barely hear you.

He's obviously choking,
Barry! Do something!

I'm diagnosing, Erica.

Try coughing.

Out, calzone!

Ugh! Disgusting.

What the hell just happened?

This lady just saved
the old man's life.

She's a hero.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry stewed
at Erica basking in the sun,

Brea and I were ready to
catch some rays of our own.

We're headed to the beach.

Brea's gonna bodysurf

while I watch from the shore.

I saw a picture of
Pinocchio at the airport,

and my fear of whales
is bubbling up.

Sounds good. And you know what?

I might not even need
your help at all.

Really? Yeah, I'm just, uh,

emotionally ready
for this, you know?

Like, here's my dad's sweater.
It even smells like him.

There's no sense of loss,

just lots of warm memories.

That's great, Mom.

Aw, see, right now, I'm
remembering the first time

he ever took me to the park.

And I wanted to go on the
swings, but I was so nervous.

Aww. Big aww.

We should get going.

So he put my little hand in his.

It was so strong
and encouraging.

That's him alright.

Cowabunga. The sand awaits.

I felt so safe and loved.

And now, because he's gone,

because he was stolen from me...

Balls.

[VOICE BREAKING] ...I'll
never feel that way again!

Oh-ho, God![DOORBELL RINGS]

Please tell me that's someone
to tell us there's a hurricane.

I'll get rid of them. You
two need to witness more

of the deep personal bond
I had with my father.

Hello. Are you Beverly?

Uh, that depends.

Is this about the speed
limit in this community?

Because six is [BLEEP].

I'm Charlotte.

I was a friend of your dad's.

Well, a girlfriend really.

Ah, yes. Yeah, he
had a lot of those.

Um, but don't worry, I'm sure
you were the special one.

Oh, Adam?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Adam, do you know this woman?

Does he know me?

We came in second in the
condo talent competition

with our soaring rendition
of the "Banana Boat Song."

What. The actual. Hell.

[CHUCKLES]How many
times have you met

this woman I've
never even heard of?

All four times he
visited Albert down here.

Adam [BLEEP] Goldberg.

The "F" is actually for
Frederick, but you know that.

And Brea's here, too.

Wait, you know Brea?

Well, let's be clear, no.

I spoke to her once on the phone

when Pops was opening
Adam's pistachios.

It was a particularly
stubborn batch.

None of this makes sense.

Well, I had just
clipped my nails.

Not your comely feminine
fingers, this woman.

I can see that this
is very complicated

and difficult for you, Beverly,

so I'll give you time to
process and drop by later.

Ta.

Congrats on NYU.

ADULT ADAM: After Charlotte's
visit, I wanted to disappear.

Meanwhile, Erica was
enjoying the spotlight.

This old dude couldn't breathe.

We were losing him,
and as others froze...

I was assessing the
situation, thank you.

This man's life was in my hands.

These hands.

So delicate yet strong.

Like lady hammers.

Can I touch them? No.

I'm a tactile learner, but okay.

And I summoned all my strength.

And thrust! Thrust! Thrust!

And then, calzone nub.

And so, life.

Wow. How'd you know what to do?

Instinct. Intelligence.

Perfect skin.

Um, and bravery.

There was also
that Heimlich chart

next to the Orange Julius kiosk

that we happened to
be looking at earlier.

But where does the
bravery come from?

Like, how do you have
it and others... Don't?

I don't know. Maybe it
stems from my credo,

"You either live for something
or you die for nothing."

That's Rambo:
First Blood'scredo.

Yeah, and he got it from me.

Questions? More praise?

Can you take a look at
this mole on my neck?

She's not a doctor-to-be. I am.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but
she clearly has a knack

for this sorta thing.
What do you think?

Should I be worried?
Honestly, yes.

I'm scared, but
it's good to know.

Anyway, the mall is holding
a ceremony to honor me

as Food Court Hero of the Year,

so you guys should all come.

She's getting free
strombolis for life

and something called
the "Golden Tray."

Okay, you did fine punching
that old geezer in the gut,

but I'm the real doctor here.

I crushed the MCAT.

Being a doctor isn't about
filling in test bubbles.

Bar, maybe you can be
one of those doctors

that runs the hospital.

You know, a little
less hands on.

Yeah, one of those admin types

who's always worried
about the budget,

and denies healthcare to kids
because of insurance issues.

That's it.

One way or another,

I'll reclaim my
medical dominance.

And you'll all be begging me
to exam your moles and bodies.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry swore
he, too, could be a hero,

my mom still saw
me as the villain.

Hitting the beach?

Or would you rather not tell me,

because you're a son
who gets a cheap thrill

from harboring dark
family secrets?

Alright, relax.

What kind of boy doesn't
tell his own mother

about his grandpa's lover?

I don't know, a normal boy?

I just can't believe
that this Charlotte

was the only serious
relationship he'd had

since my mother died
and I had no idea!

Maybe he didn't tell you

because it wasn't
actually that serious.

Well, this box of pictures and
love letters says otherwise.

Who's up for story time?

Oh, that seems like
a terrible idea.

They could be deeply personal
a-a-a-and she's reading them.

"Albert, my stallion..."

We had very different grandpas.

"Last night on the
shuffleboard court,

our bodies moved as one."

That doesn't sound too serious.

Just a couple of teammates
in an innocent game.

"As the waves crashed
over us, the sea and sand

filled what little space
there was between us."

Sand in the bathing
trunks. So annoying.

I'm with Charlotte on this one.

"Also that thing with your
hands, how did you do that?"

Fine. I'll admit
that it was serious

if you please stop reading.

And then there's the pictures.

Close your eyes, Brea.

What? Just do it.

Dancing on New Year's Eve,

ice cream on the pier,
riding his scooter.

These all sound like
innocent photos, Adam.

Not worth the risk.

Wait, his mobility scooter.

[GASPS] That's where it is.

That hussy stole it!

Wild accusation.

But you seem to
be off the photos.

Oh, look. A whole roll
of hot tub photos.

I don't think I like
my graduation gift.

Who's taking these pictures?

ADULT ADAM: Erica had
heroically saved a choking man.

Naturally, that meant my
brother needed his moment, too.

Welcome, dear family.

Thank you all for coming.

Yesterday I didn't properly
celebrate my sister's heroism.

So in her honor, I
present this feast.

Enjoy.

Weird assortment of
foods, Big Tasty.

I know. Gobstoppers, hot dogs,

marshmallows, giant
carrot pieces...

Um, are these by
chance the foods

one might be most
likely to choke on?

Oh, don't be silly.

Now, who wants a
genetically engineered

extra-large table grape?

Barry, it really seems
like you're hoping

one of your best
friends starts choking.

If it happens, no
biggie. I'm here.

Keep your keister
parked, guest of honor.

Andy, elephant
grape? No, thanks.

Is it because you
have a baby mouth?

I don't have a baby mouth.

No, I just ate.

Was it a jar of
Gerber's pureed ham

because of your
aforementioned baby mouth?

No. And they puree ham?

They puree everything.

Ravioli, stew, Texas
Roadhouse prime rib.

It's a great era to be a baby.

Yeah, that seems way wrong.

What's way wrong
is you're afraid

to eat these adult-sized
fruit treats.

Dammit, I'll eat the dumb grape.

Huh?

Mmm-mmm.

It's pretty good,
actually. I know.

It's juicy.Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

[COUGHS]

Holy crap, it's happening.
Bar, he just coughed.

Your savior is
here, little friend.

Oh! My ribs!

Barry, he can talk.
That means he's fine.

His breathing is labored.

Oh, please let me go!

And life![GASPS]

You are forever in my debt.

Your hands went
way too low, bro.

Way too low!

Wow, I thought doctors

are supposed to make
people feel better.

Face it, you're not
the healer I am.

I'm more concerned that
my patient is alive.

Alive? Barely!

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
learned a lesson about himself,

my mom knew I was
the easiest way

to get what she
wanted from Pops' ex.

I'm really not sure about this.

This is our best chance we
have to get that scooter back.

No woman can say no
to your deliciousness.

Am I right?

I feel like a piece of meat.

Hey, the sooner we
get the scooter back,

the sooner we can
get to the beach.

Now, let's see how you
look in my tank top.

Mama's little muscle man!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You're on. Sparkle.

Oh, hi, Adam.

Hiya.

Can you chat for a minute?

Anything for Albert's boy.

Pops' scooter is missing,

and I'm pretty sure
that you've got it.

And if I can get it
back, that'd be great.

Honestly, I don't recall
Albert owning a scooter.

But my memory isn't
what it used to be.

Okay, we are not gonna fall

for your doddering
old lady routine.

Of course you're behind this.

Albert said that you
could be difficult.

Oh, do you know what
he told me about you?

Nothing!

So maybe your relationship

was more important to
you than it was to him.

Or maybe you weren't as
close with your father

as you thought you were.

Well, I never.

Well, I always.

With your father.

We're getting that scooter back.

Can't get back
what I don't have!

ADULT ADAM: As Charlotte
threw that in my mom's face,

it was time for Barry to face

that Erica was gonna
get her Golden Tray.

I can't believe my dumb sister
is Food Court Hero of the Year.

I can't believe there is a
Food Court Hero of the Year.

It is a weirdly specific honor.

And Erica got a perfect
score on the LSAT?

She's such a
terrible test-taker.

Yep, she nailed it
alright. Got a hundred.

Wait, Are you saying
she scored 100 points?

Uh, yes, Barry,

that's what a perfect
score is. 100.

A perfect score
on the LSAT is 48.

No, it's not. Right, guys?

Dammit. Please don't tell
her I said she bombed.

I didn't know she bombed until
right this moment, Geoffrey.

Oh, no!

Oh, hey, can you back up?

The ring of honor
is for heroes only.

Is it also for people
who bomb their LSAT?

You're so pretty!

Do you remember when I
was saying that earlier?

You're so pretty.
That's okay, Erica.

Lying's not against the law.

Or isit? You wouldn't know.

Whatever. You've wanted to
be a doctor your entire life,

but now you know that you
don't have what it takes.

And I have a Golden
Tray to prove it.

Attention, everyone. We're
canceling today's ceremony.

Unfortunately, the man who
was saved just passed away.

It gets better and better.

Wait, we can still
have the ceremony.

I gave that geezer
one more week of life.

Unless your sloppy Heimlich
is what killed him.

Too much force, maybe a rib
punctured his lung, it happens.

I think I heard "hit by bus."

Ah.

I want my Golden Tray.

That seems in poor taste.

Give it.Oh.

He said it's not yours!

You know it's painted plastic?

Give me that tray! I earned it!

Okay, enough. I've
known you two forever

and you're still
doing this crap?

Kicking each other
when you're down?

How about supporting
each other for once?

I'm so sick of it.

Why did we come here?

Our lives are too small.

So much to examine.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry and Erica
realized Geoff had a point,

all signs pointed to Brea and I

getting the spring
break we were promised.

I can't believe we're
finally going to the beach.

It'll be worth the wait.

I bet the stars
will look beautiful.

BEVERLY: Aww.

What the hell, woman?!

So in the dark you
couldn't see me.

[SIGHS] What are you up to now?

Stealing back my
father's scooter

under the cover of night.

But what if you get caught?

The condo security folks
are weirdly intense.

[SCOFFS]

I'll just hide in
the ocean, Adam.

It's right there.

Brea, I think I need
to keep an eye on this.

[SIGHS] Let's just get changed.

ADULT ADAM: And so began the dumbest
caper in the history of capers.

We snuck down there,
then over that way,

got super lost, and went back.

We even did this
thing for some reason.

And, finally, next to

the clearly marked
"scooter parking" sign,

it was, hello, Pops' scooter.

Turns out, our strange night
of creeping around with my mom

was a success...

Until we were easily caught.

SECURITY GUARD:
Hold it right there.

It's the fuzz! Johnny Law!

Smokey! The Blue Meanies!

Adam. I'm panicking.

I've never been held
at flashpoint before.

That's my scooter
they're taking.

This isn't yours.

I can tell by the
bumper sticker.

"I Scooty for the Booty."

It's suggestive in
all the right ways.

Is it? You know,
come to think of it,

my dad had a Jolly Roger flag
on the back of his scooter.

[CHUCKLES] He was a scamp.

Well, I didn't have to
use my defibrillator,

so I'mma chalk this up as a win.

Mom, it's officially time
to let the scooter go.

This isn't about the scooter.

He clearly loved her, and
I never knew about it.

I thought we were
close, but now...

I don't know.

ADULT ADAM: After unpacking
her true feelings,

my mom was back to
packing up Pops' stuff.

Okay, we're finally
off to catch some rays

and splash in the surf.

Have fun. But be
careful, though.

I heard on the radio they found
a dead great white on the beach.

Apparently, it was
killed by a bunch

of very territorial sea snakes.

There are sea snakes?

[HORN HONKING]

[GASPS]

The Jolly Roger.

[BLONDIE'S "ONE WAY
OR ANOTHER" PLAYS]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES][SIGHS]

We are never gonna
touch sand, are we?

No, we are not.

Bring back my dad's scooter!

ADULT ADAM: But that
wasn't happening,

so my mom took off on a
thrilling, high-octane chase

that was neither
thrilling nor high-octane.

Going somewhere?

Oh, hi, hi.

Ma'am, can we
borrow your scooter?

And in return, my
son can read to you.

What?! I like stories
about Germans.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

♪♪ One way or another ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna find ya ♪♪

Coming through.

It's an emergency.

♪♪ One way or another ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna win ya ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna get ya, get
ya, get ya, get ya ♪♪

♪♪ One way or another
♪♪[ENGINE REVS]

♪♪ I'm gonna see ya ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna meet ya, meet
ya, meet ya, meet ya ♪♪

♪♪ One day ♪♪

♪♪ Maybe next week ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna meet ya ♪♪

♪♪ I'm gonna meet
ya, I'll meet ya ♪♪

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh, my God! Are you two okay?

I'll be fine.

In jail. For grand
theft scooter.

Beverly, I know it sounds silly,

but this damn scooter actually
meant something to me.

Oh, no.

I am the one who
deserves to be upset.

Because I was the
one kept in the dark.

'Cause for some reason, he
never wanted me to meet you.

Well, how do you think
that made me feel?

I asked Albert a million
times if we could meet,

and he kept saying, "Soon."

And now he's gone and
this is how we meet.

Keep the damn scooter.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
wrecked everything,

Barry and Erica were putting
the pieces back together.

Hey, can we talk for a sec?

Whatever.

We just want to thank you.

What? Why?

You called us out
on all our B.S.

And it's what we needed.

My sister's pretty awesome,

and it makes me insecure.

Like worrying maybe I
won't make it as a doctor.

And even though he's
a giant goofball,

sometimes I feel the same way.

I lash out at him when, really,

I should be going
to him for help.

I'm gonna help her
study for the LSAT.

Yeah, I kinda blew off
studying because I was scared

that if I tried, I
still wouldn't do well.

Yeah, but we know
that's not true.

I'm gonna help her
crush that test.

This is great.

It's all I ever wanted.

Well, here's something else.

["ONE WAY OR ANOTHER" PLAYS]

For your courageous work

above and beyond
the call of duty.

You're our hero,
Geoffrey Schwartz.

This is so thoughtful.

I, of course, need
to return this

because it's stolen
property, but...

Of course. We gave you a chore.

ADULT ADAM: With Geoff's
help, Erica and Barry

realized they didn't
need to be rivals.

Now I wanted to do the same
for my mom and Charlotte.

Oh... It's you.

Adam said he wanted to
talk to us together.

♪♪ And if the lights
are all down ♪♪

Pops used to say,
"Nobody's perfect."

"But that doesn't mean we
should ever stop trying to be."

And I think when it came
to dealing with you two...

Well, he finally proved that
he wasn't perfect either.

Even though he was as
close as anyone could be.

He should've
introduced you guys.

It might've been hard, but I
know it would've worked out.

And now that you're both here,

maybe you can do
what he couldn't.

Why don't you and Brea
head to the beach?

Charlotte and I could use some
time to get to know each other.

If that's okay with you.

I would like that.

And, Adam, thank you.

You remind me more and
more of him every day.

♪♪ I'm gonna get ya ♪♪

ADULT ADAM: It's strange the
things we can be afraid of.

Or how our own
family might react

when we admit that we need them.

But in the end, it almost
always turns out better

than we fear.

And by being open and honest,
our lives get a little richer.

♪♪ One way or another,
I'm gonna get ya ♪♪

Because we share them
with the people we love.

[BOTH SHOUTING "YES!"][SQUEALS]

I think it's important we all
master the Heimlich maneuver.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Saving lives. Sign me up.

Totally. Where do we start?

With you.

You're gonna be our
dummy. Wait, what?

Harder thrusts, Geoff. Harder.

There ya go, that
looks kinda right.

It's way wrong, but I
love that commitment.

Yeah![GROANS]

At least it's all over

and we're all more
knowledgeable about medicine.

Nah, if anything,

we went backwards.

Going again.

[WHIMPERS]

Catch him before he
gets to the door.