The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 21 - Episode #9.21 - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,

there was no one
more important to me

than my girlfriend, Brea.

So, as our two-year
anniversary approached,

I headed to Gimbels
to get her something special.

Oh, Adam, I found it.

Perfect gift for the most
important woman in your life.

It holds coffee
and the truth.

Again, I'm looking for
a gift for my girlfriend.

It's already in the cart.

How about this bracelet?

Oh, Adam, women like
their jewelry to be flashy,

and in-your-face big.

Think the crown jewels
and then double it.

I have $37.

Stop shopping immediately.

I have a menagerie of items
that would delight any woman.

I told you,
I don't need your help.

My intimate knowledge

of ladies' needs and desires
is well-established.

Is it, though?

Item one...
A deadly titanium crossbow.

You and your gal pal
can spend a reckless evening

at the junkyard
shooting out windshields.

None of this sounds like
you waiting in the car.

Item two... Tighty whities,
the gentleman's lingerie.

You give her a few
boudoir photos in these,

she'll remember you

How could she not?

I've saved the best
for last.

A bulk warehouse box of
Bonkers Fruit Chew candies.

When she smooches you
to thank you, think of me.

I'm not giving her
500 pieces of purple candy!

Whatever! Have fun dying alone
with no cavities.

Hey, hey, hey!

Look who I found hibernating
in the kids' section.

I can't give Brea that.

This is for me.

This is my little
Adam cuddle surrogate

for when you leave me
to go to NYU.

You can't say no to me,
can you, schmoopie?

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

- You don't know who else kissed that bear.

Hey, he's wearing
the same shirt as you.


♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

Season 09 Episode 21

Episode Title: "One Exquisite Evening
with Madonna" Aired on: May 11, 2022.

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪♪

It was May 11, 1980-something,

and Erica and Geoff
anxiously awaited news

from, of all places,
their bathroom.

You got black mold.

Oh, no!

The silent killer
of the micro fungus world.

How did this happen?

Heavy moisture in there.

Like maybe
you guys are leaving

a lot of wet towels
lying on the floor?

I don't want to
name any names,

but, yes,
someone in this couple

habitually offends
in the way you mentioned.

Are you sure that
it's black mold?

Because the stuff
that I was seeing in there

looked more doody brown,
like your uniform.

GEOFF: You saw it
and didn't speak up?

Erica, anything odd in here,
you have to speak up.

I shared a bathroom with Barry
most of my life,

so odd stuff
is kind of the norm.

You're probably gonna have to
clear out of here

for a week or so.

so now what do we do?

We'll go to a hotel.

And pay for it
with what, exactly?

You're the neatnik.

Don't you have
a mold budget?

I didn't anticipate that

my wife would be
a wet towel abandoner.

Ouch, Don Rickles.

And, fine, we'll go to
your parents'.

My mom turned my room
into a knitting room.

Between my yarn
allergy and all the needles,

it's a death trap.

I know of a place where
the price is right

and the staff is
always friendly.

My sweet baby girl is home!

Relax, we're only here
for one week.

We have black mold.

It's really not
a big deal.

Please, my chiropractor's
receptionist's nephew

slept in a bedroom
with black mold.

Soon he was carrying his lungs
around in a backpack,

which he lost
on an airplane,

then he had to be hooked up
to one of those

air pumps you use
to inflate pool toys.

Now he lives alone
in a park ranger tower,

where the air is clean
and the woods are lonely.

That seems
scientifically accurate,

but point is we're only here
for one week.

A week with my baby
and baby-in-law.

I'm gonna hug whoever put that
black mold in your apartment.

You already are.

Howdy, neighbor.

Oh, hello, newlyweds.

They came back, John,
for the warmth of Mama's bosom.

Does this mean
that our trip

to the commemorative
plate expo is off?

The unspoken caveat of
all my plans with you

is "if nothing better
comes along."

I kind of wish those stinging
words had remained unspoken.

We don't want to stop you
from doing anything.

It's not just anything.

I don't know if you know this,
but I'm an avid trader

of commemorative
presidential plates.

I'm currently one Calvin Coolidge away
from a full set.

I definitely listened
all the way through that.

We should get settled.

I guess I'll be the one
to put our bags away.

Ah, young love.

Or what I would imagine
young love to be.

I didn't start dating
until I was 27.

Did something seem off
about them?

I haven't seen Geoff that edgy
since Groundhog Day.

He's not good
with suspense.

I'm gonna get to
the bottom of it.

Sounds intrusive.
Count me in.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
sensed an impending

storm between
Erica and Geoff,

my anniversary with Brea
was nothing but sunshine.

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi:
Ewok Adventure.

(SIGHS) Brea,
you really nailed my gift.

you're easy to shop for.

I just think, "Hey, that's
maybe science fiction,"

- and then I get it.
- Well,

I got you something, too.

Having you open your heart
and express yourself

on this borderline holiday
is like a prayer.

Holy crap, Adam.
Madonna tickets?

"IOU one exquisite evening
with Madonna."

She's in Philly this week.

But it's a bit
out of my price range.

It's okay.
I love the thought.

But I couldn't
have gone anyway.

My older sister is in town.

Claire? She is?

I had no idea.

Neither did I.

But that's kind of
how Claire is.

She plays by her own rules.

Oh, like Eddie Murphy

in Beverly Hills Cop 1
and/or 2?

If that helps you understand it,
then sure.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I know it's our anniversary,
but she's taking me to dinner.

Maybe I can come along.

Look, I just don't think

you tagging along
is such a great idea.

Since our parents split,
it's been...

Pretty complicated
between us.

This is just how it has to be
with her, okay?

Don't read anything into it.

Read everything into it.

Is that my Push-Up?

I hid it in a bag
of frozen corn!

Oh, I know all your
frozen-corn tricks.

And it's so obvious.

Brea thinks you're a wuss,

and she can't bear her sister
finding that out.

That's not true.
Your clothing, glasses,

body shape, hair, face,
and smell would beg to differ.

Too far,
but also plausible.

What do you know about her?

I think she's a mechanic.

She's a tough bad ass who likes
to get her hands dirty.

I work with my hands...

Puppetry, Claymation,

Oh, no!
We're very different people.

Exactly. The older sister Bee
sounds like the alpha.

You should steer clear.
But I really want to meet her.

She's obviously
important to Brea.

Then you'll have to
earn her respect

in the only way possible...
out-Claire Claire.

And that specifically means?

Crash their sisterly dinner.
Wear sunglasses inside.

Be in charge.

Tell the waitress
you'll have the usual,

even if you've never
been there before.

Take her seat
even if she's sitting in it.

And you're certain
this will work?

I'm saying it,
so I must be sure.

Here's a pad and pen.
Take notes.

Alphas never take notes!

Now pick it up!

Um... no?

Good. You've already learned
everything I can teach you.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry prepared me
to meet Brea's sister,

my mom was trying to find out
what was going on with mine.

You guys haven't left
your room all morning.

Everything okay?

ERICA: All good.
We're fine.

No takers on your
ricotta-stuffed river fish?

Shockingly, no.

I need to know what's going on
between them.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall.

Except for the insanely short

That's it. I don't need to
get in when I could listen in.

To the dining-room
air vent,

where I've spied on Erica
throughout her childhood.

Oh, rats and phooey.

I, too, need to know

my neighbor's daughter's
marital secrets.

I feel like a movie spy.

Should we have code names?

I'll be "The Snowman,"
and you'll be "Legs."

I'm obviously
"Champagne Grizzly."

And shh!
I don't want to miss anything.

I got to say,

there's something nice about
being back in my own room.

you're certainly comfy,

because there goes the towel
right where I lay my head.

My mom will pick it up.

She's right.
I will.

You're not being
considerate of me.

Remind me...
when we exchanged vows,

did you promise to spend
all of your waking hours

talking about towels?

Because you're making good
on that one, buddy.

She "buddied" him.
That's not good.

It's the reason we have black mold
and had to come here.

We don't know that.

And if you're so unhappy,
you can always leave.

Leave the house?
Leave the marriage? Leave what?

- Hang it up.
- Oh, I will.

And I think I know
the perfect place.

Damn it!
Suddenly, I can't hear a peep.

You threw a towel at me.

I kind of did.

I'm sorry, too,
for getting all crazy.

No, you were right
to be crazy. I'll try harder.

What's happening?
The silence is deafening.

You don't think
Erica killed him.

Worse. I think their marriage
is on the rocks.

I don't think that's worse,
but, oh, no!

ADULT ADAM: While my mom made imagined
drama between Erica and Geoff,

I was about to make
my big entrance.

And that night,
following Barry's advice,

I was the alpha... sorta.

Look out, guy!

I'm walkin' here.

I'll have my usual.
I don't know you.

Figure it out...


That's the name
of the diner.

Got it!

I think you're in my seat.

what are you doing?

Just tryin' to sit
where the sittin's good.

Know what I'm sayin',

Hold on.
Is this Adam Goldberg?

I'm not sure it is.


This chair was not built for
backwards sitting.

Hiya, toots.

Funny guy coming through.

You were so right, Brea.

This guy's
the freakin' best.

So hilarious,
like a young Rick Moranis.

You think I'm as funny
as Rick Moranis?

Hell yeah! I'm talking Moranis
in Strange Brew.

"Take off, you hoser!"

"You take off, eh?"


Brea, your sister
called me a hoser.

It's a real connection

through the art of
gentle Canadian insults.

That is questionably great,

but what exactly
are you doing here?

I know it sounds stupid,

but I thought you were
embarrassed of me.

What's there to be
embarrassed about?

You're the frickin' boss,

Hear that?

All right, Brea told me
it's your anniversary,

so how about I get us all
tickets to the Madonna show?

- What?
- Oh, no, no, no.

- You don't have to do that, Claire, really.
- ADAM: Are you kidding me?

You've been talking about
this concert forever.

Brea, come on.

I know I haven't always
been the best big sister.

I mean, when things went
sideways with Mom and Dad,

I just had to
get out of there.

Which you definitely did.

Look, it doesn't make up
for me not being around,

but at least let me
do this for you.

Please, please?

Don't be a hoser, eh?

Oh, hoser.

- Don't...
- Come on. Uh, she's not saying "no."

- Thank you, Claire. That would be amazing.

Yep, showing up uninvited

couldn't have gone
any better...

Until it happened to me.

- Knock-knock!
- Is this one of those co-ed-toilet deals?

Oh, my God!
It's super not.

You can't be in here.

Eh, sure I can.
The line for the ladies' is stupid.

Well, I'll just get out
of your way then.

Before you do,
there's actually

something personal I wanted to
talk to you about.

More personal than
storming into a gentleman's

inner sanctum?

So, I called Doug
at Ticketron, and yikes!

You know that Madonna song
"Like a Virgin"?

Well, she's certainly
screwing me with these prices.


I just wanted to
give my little sis

a little slice of happiness,
you know?

Um, well,
we don't need front row.

It's not my fault my dog
needs exploratory eye surgery, right?

Maybe you should tell Brea
about all of this.

She'll understand.

Yeah, tell her that
her older sister,

who's supposed to
be there for her,

has once again
let her down.


When our dad moved out,
where was I?

In the wind.

"The wind" being the beaches
of Corpus Christi, Texas.

It's a big town with
a small-town feel.

Please stop.
I'll get the tickets.

Don't worry.

You'll fully purchase
all the tickets?

You're not just a gift
to my sister.

You're a gift to me.

Come in here.


ADULT ADAM: Meeting Brea's sister
didn't go as expected,

so I had no choice
but to turn

to an unexpected source
for help.

I was watching that!

He's an American werewolf,
but in London.

Think of
the culture shock.

Brea's sister cried.

You did it!
You slayed the dragon.

You're the alpha now.

It doesn't feel
like a win.

I got to somehow buy Madonna
tickets for all three of us.

Ha! She fooled you
with her phony tears?

She's back to
being the alpha.

No, the tears were real.

You're the alpha again.

Stop saying "alpha."

Brea thinks she and her sister
are making progress,

but, really,
I'm covering for her.

You've clearly
inserted yourself

into a very complex
family dynamic.

Don't know why
you tried to be the alpha.

And now where am I gonna find
that kind of money

for stupid Madonna tickets?

Have you seen your room?

It's filled with toys.
Sell them all.

But I cherish those.

Dude, you have
like 10 Smurfettes.

Each one
is posed differently.

Your call,
but Brea's gonna be crushed.

I guess I could part with a few
of my lesser Smurfs.

Barry does it again.

Now move it so I can watch
this werewolf chap.


ADULT ADAM: So, once again, for some
reason, I listened to Barry.


There's the guy.

About our chat in the john
the other night,

I was in
a weird head space.

A few too many Molsons.

Why do I keep betting on
professional bowling?

There's no way to know.
But here.

Goldie, what'd you do?

Me, you, Brea, Madonna.

Row YY!

I guess that's still
in the building.

But, hey,
I got to tell Brea the truth.

- You bought these.
- Oh, that's not...

Twist my arm,
why don't you.

Okay, I'll take the "W"
on this one.

You get the next one.

Hey, Brea!
Let me guess.

More scratchers
I get to help with

since your nails
are too short?

As a fellow biter, I get it,
but take a look.

Madonna tickets?


Oh, my God!

Did I knock it
out of the park?

Claire, this is too much.

It was literally nothing.

I wouldn't say that.

There are all kinds of handling fees
they don't tell you about.

But, hey, Madonna!

ADULT ADAM: While I helped Brea's sister
out of a bind,

my mom was tied in knots.

Oh, this is terrible.

If what the vent suggests
is true,

Erica's marriage
is in shambles.

Mother father!

She's destined to become
a spite-filled spinster.

We have to do something.

We? This goes beyond
neighborly duties.

You're the key
to this whole thing.

If I go up there,
they're gonna kick me out,

but you're a counselor.

A guidance counselor,
not a marriage counselor.

You can do anything.

You got Alan Friedbaum
into SUNY Purchase.

I did do that somehow.

And he's not your
standardized-test taker.

- And his tardiness? Whoo!
- Exactly.

Now please help me get my baby
into the University of Love.

The U of I?
That's a reach for all of us.

But I guess it is just
talking and listening.

Yes, two things you're doing
too much of right now. Go.

ADULT ADAM: And, so, against
his better judgment...

And the most basic
common sense...

Mr. Glascott, our neighbor,

was on a mission
to save a marriage

that didn't need saving.

There they are.

Mr. Glascott.

What are you doing
in my childhood bedroom?

Just following the sounds
of love and happiness.

That's what I'm hearing
in here, right?

Um... I guess.

Don't guess.
Let's know.

Are you allowed
to sit on my bed?

Probably not.
But I need your help.

There's this
high-school couple

that are both trying
to get into Rutgers.

What couple?

Their names are
Jeff and Erica.

They have the same
names as us?

Uh, no.
His is Jeff with a "J,"

not an insane "G,"
like yours.

- What's happening?
- So, Jeff and Erica... not you...

Are very much in love,
but they have an issue.

It seems that Erica's
kind of a stinky pig,

and J-Jeff is always having to
mop up her sloppy-slop.

What does this have to do
with Rutgers?


Oh, yeah, Rutgers.

Now, imagine you,
Geoff and Erica,

are Jeff and Erica.

How would you two
talk this out?

I probably wouldn't,
because I haven't been following

a single thing
that you've said.

Hey, what about you,
Geoff who's in front of me?

Does the other Jeff
have a reason to vent?

And by "vent," I mean
express one's feelings,

not a vent that transmits air
and sometimes secrets.

You know what?

Thank you so much,
Mr. Glascott.

Um, this has been so nice.

Has it? I feel there's
been some confusion

about the names.

For sure.
I'll see you downstairs.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

My mom's been listening to us
through the vent!

Oh, no! Why did you make me
rank all the Frentas?

Now she knows
I put my mom last!

Did she send Glascott up here
to fix our marriage?

a boy is just not

thinking of his mother
in that way.

If she wants to listen
to what's going on with our marriage,

we'll make it
worth her while.

I should have just said,
"I'm not ranking them."

That's so weird!

ADULT ADAM: While Erica was determined
to get back at my mom,

we were ready
to get into the groove.

This is so awesome.

I can't believe
we're actually here.

I know. Somewhere not
too far from here

is the lady who sang that song
from the movie Vision Quest.

Whoa! Look at
all that stuff for sale!

Um, I'm gonna go get
some lace gloves

and a T-shirt for you,
'cause thanks.

Children's large.
I like 'em snug.

I got to thank you again.

You did me a solid.

Two, if you count
paying for parking.

Put it on my tab.

Anyone got tickets?

I will pay anything.

Sorry, lady.
No can do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold your horses.

How much we talking?
ADAM: What?

You can't seriously
be considering

selling the ticket that I...
quick reminder... bought for you.

No, of course not.

But, also, hear me out.


I have $300.

Sold to the lady
with the crazy eyes!

What are you doing?

Making everything right.

There's your cash.

And now you
and my little sis can
celebrate your anniversary.

Won't this upset Brea?

She was finally excited
to spend some time with you.

She's resilient.

She won't even bat an eye
when you tell her.

I believe in you.

Where's Claire going?

She said she wants to
leave us two lovebirds alone.

She sold her ticket,
didn't she?

It's super-cool how
you know her so well.

ADULT ADAM: Buying those tickets
proved costly.

Meanwhile, Erica was gonna
make my mom pay.

I hear movement.

when I uncover the vent,

you and I are gonna have
a fake fight.

Why, exactly?
To mess with my mom

as revenge for
violating our privacy.

Damn it to hell, Erica.

(QUIETLY) Comin' in hot.
I like it.

How can there possibly be
more towels on the floor?

Oh, that's good.

(LOUDLY) I don't need to
hang up my towels.

That's why I married you.

Oh! They're engaging about
their core issue.

Quiet, John!
This is none of your business.

You promised me
you were gonna try harder.

And you promised me a Steak-umm, and, yet,
your hand is empty.

I'm sick of it!

You've got some chops.

And I, too, am sick of it!

Why is it so hard for you
to consider my feelings?

Dude, dial it back.
You're leaving us nowhere to go.

Oh, I'll tell you where I'm
going... Anywhere but here.

Are you being serious
right now?

I am. Sorry to be
such a wet blanket.

Or should I say
"wet towel,"

something you're more
familiar with.

They're coming.
Act natural.

Geoff, wait!

You're right, Beverly.
The world would look different

through Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's
eyes. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: After getting involved in
my girlfriend's relationship

with her sister, I was looking to my dad
for some wisdom,

but it was after 8:00.

Don't bother.
He ate a dozen garlic knots

and watched Murder,
She Wrote.

- His day is done.
- Damn it!

I really screwed up
things with Brea.

Well, at least you still
have all your toys.

I don't!

I never should have gotten
involved in the first place.

Look, you'll never understand
what it's like for Brea.

And how could you?

Her relationship with her sister
was shaped by divorce,

while our parents are
nothing but happy.

Look at this guy.

He is the epitome
of stability. He's a rock.

He does have many
rock-like properties.

He's a shining example
of what we'll emulate

in our own marriages.

I guess we are
pretty lucky.

The luckiest.
Thanks, Bar.

ADULT ADAM: Growing up, Barry
often gave me lousy advice,

but every once in a while,

he knew exactly
what he was talking about.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look, I never should have got
between you and your sister.

- Told you.
- I know.

I was just trying so hard
to make everyone happy,

I ended up
making no one happy.

I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

I can't tell you
how many times

I've wanted her
to be there for me,

and she just couldn't do it.

Maybe not.

But I can.

Maybe that's why
I like you so much.

I always thought
it was because of

my explosive masculinity
and rugged good looks.


Yeah, that too.


I know this may not have
been a great anniversary,

but these last two years
have been the best of my life.



You know,
concert's not over yet.


Sorry about the whole
vent thing.

We agreed we weren't gonna talk.

Of course.
And I will honor that.

But before I do,
I just got to say,

you've got to pick up
those towels.

- You're on his side?
- No sides.

Just some gentle advice

from someone who's been
happily married for 25 years.

Well, no, thank you.

Look, you are a strong-willed
woman, and that's great,

but sometimes...
(CHUCKLES) you just don't listen.

I'm definitely not
right now.

You may think
his towel obsession

is a little bit silly...
and it is...

But to him, it matters.

I know.

I also know
my carelessness caused

a toxic cloud
of black mold.

But I don't like
to be wrong.

♪♪ What I'm dying to say
is that

- That's why I never am.
- ♪♪ I'm crazy for you

- ♪♪ Touch me once
- Thanks, Mom.

- ♪♪ And you'll know it's true
- And, look, if you ever just

need someone to listen,

I'll always be here.

I know.

Whether I want it or not.

♪♪ It's all brand-new

♪♪ You'll feel it in my kiss

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes, just loving
someone isn't enough.

♪♪ You'll feel it in my kiss
because I'm crazy for you♪♪

Relationships take work.

But if you do something
as simple as listen...

What's going on in here?

I added a few
extra towel hooks.

That is way too many.

And I love it.

Well, I love you.'ll realize
even the small things

can make a big difference
to the people

- you care about the most.
- ♪♪ I'm crazy for you ♪♪

I guess this one's fine.

No, those are large.
You're more of an athletic medium.

Just get what you want
so we can get this over with.

Silk boxers.

So slippery and elegant.

Not on my watch.

That is the underpant
of Los Angeles.

Fine! Then I'm going commando...
nothing at all.

Where's the nearest
changing room?

I'm starting now.

So, medium seems fine.

Synchronized by srjanapala