The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 15 - The Wedding - full transcript

After learning no one made the deposit on the wedding venue, Geoff scrambles to help fix the oversight before Beverly finds out; and to make matters worse, a major storm is imminent which could jeopardize the entire event.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the
'80s, my sister, Erica,

and Geoff Schwartz had
quite the love story.

From friends to lovers
to exes and lovers again,

all culminating in
an epic proposal.

Finally, the wedding was here.

It's nice. Peaceful.

Are we in the right place?

And to think I was worried

your mom would do
something crazy.

I mean, the Harlem Globetrotters

were at your
brother's bar mitzvah.

Curly Neal dribbled
the entire service.

Well, I guess she
finally heard us.

People really can
grow and change.

Tech rehearsal starts now!

We are two days out.

I want to see sweaty
bodies and high knees.

What's happening? Why do
we need a tech rehearsal?

I just added a few
flourishes to the ceremony.


The wardrobe is
my wedding dress.

No, that's your fourth change,

so go ahead and put on
these processional outfits

and let's do this.


ADULT ADAM: Yep, my mom
believed in going big.

Why do I have a sword? I don't
think I can walk in this.

Oh, you won't be walking.
Good men of Rome!

Then she went even bigger.

Cue the buglers!

Some would say over the top.

Where are my unicorns?

Way, way over the top.

Unicorns aren't real!

This whole thing can't be real!

Cue the New Orleans jazz band!


Wow. She's really
all over the map

with the different
styles and genres.

Yeah, that's the problem.

Cherry blossoms! Flutter! Now!

How did that happen?

Six men are living in
those trees full-time.

They pee in buckets.

Fire-eaters, you
should be lit by now!

Mom, we have to talk about this!

One step ahead of you.

We need more. Way more.

And where the hell
are my acrobats?

Yep, those guys were there, too.

My mom left nothing out.

This looks expensive.

Where the hell did my mom go?

Something tells me that giant
clamshell is gonna clue us in.

Here's my big reveal!


♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was March
2nd, 1980-something,

and my mom had turned my sister's
wedding into a literal freak show.

Erica was coming undone.

It's all too much.

I think I'm losing it.

I've never seen you like this.

It's like all your
sarcastic, tough-girl energy

has been sucked away and
replaced with nervous anxiety.

Oh, God! I'm you!

You're me! We can't
have two yous!

I know. One me is too many!

Trying to watch the
Weather Channel,

and I already missed
the dew point!

The dew point!

You want to know the weather?

I'm spinning like
a tornado here!

Yeah, sure, whatever.

That's it! I'm
almost your husband,

and it is time that
I stand up for you.

Time to go confront
your mom. Here I go!

You're not moving.
Building up to it.

Sending the message

from my brain to my muscles.

Here I mostly go!


Mrs. Goldberg, I need...

One second, Geoff,
I've got a troupe

of Chinese acrobats
lost in Delaware.

Ni xuyao shang 95 bei,

huozhe wo hui ba no
shuai dao taikong.

Now, you selfishly
need something

24 hours before my glorious day?

It is about your
glorious day, actually.

It has turned into something

way bigger than we expected.

Oh, thank you for noticing.

It was impossible not to notice.

You're just saying that.

Are you trying to sweet-talk
your mother-in-law?

No, what I'm trying to say is,

our small, intimate ceremony

has turned into an
over-the-top spectacle.

You really think so?

I don't think you're
gonna hear this

how I intend it, but... Yes?

You know, I don't
say this enough,

but you are not
that bad, Geoffrey.

Now you relax.
I'm gonna confirm

the surprise musical

I'm not gonna give any
hints, but let's just say

it hits all the right "Marks."

Seems like you're
suggesting it will be

multiple people named Mark.

Well, aren't you the sleuth.

Now go enjoy your
last day of freedom.

But don't eat anything,
or else you won't fit

into your sequined
matador costume.

I measured you in your sleep.

But I don't live in
the same house as you.

I know.

How'd it go?
Extremely terribly.

Oh, God! There's nothing
we can do to stop this!

hopeless. Or was it?

We have a winter storm alert.

We had hoped that
it might miss us,

but now Philadelphia is directly
in the path of a doozie.

Is this really happening?

This is really happening, folks.

Yes! I just heard
the word "storm"!

It had better be over a
place that doesn't matter,

like wherever it is
that farmers are.

Nope, right here. Crazy
unseasonal winter blast.

They're saying it's
gonna be a doozie.

But wait. Oh, no! The wedding!

Schmoo, don't fret.

I'll just send that
nor'easter back out to the sea

with my endless
well of Mama love.


What exactly is happening?

Foul tempest, I banish thee!

The weather, you
can't control it.

Begone, evil squall!

Will you look at that?

Now our storm is
actually changing course!

Changing wha...

In all my years of meteorology,

I've never seen
anything like this!


ADULT ADAM: No one had.

It had to be a crazy
coincidence, right?

Folks, we've been spared.

See? It's all good.

We're gettin' married! Mwah!


I don't... I can't... How?

Is my mother-in-law a storm god?

ERICA: I guess we have no
choice but to accept it.

This wedding is
happening. (GROANS)

continued to spin,

Barry and I also had strong
feelings about the big day.

So, what are you planning
for Erica's marriage thingy?

Showing up. You?

I may pop in. What are you
gonna wear to this shindig?

Mom rented me a tux,
top hat, and tails.

You didn't get the cane?
I don't need a cane!

My legs are made of oak.

I'm using either a king's
scepter or a tactical hiking axe.

I'm going with a
bejeweled wizard's staff.

Oh! Why?

For upstaging me with
sorcerer's items!

Now I may not go at all.

ADULT ADAM: Meanwhile, Geoff was
going to stand up to my mom again

by pretending to be sick.


You coughed. What's happening?

Nothing. I-I just have
this cough, I guess.


Which I guess you
just heard. (COUGHS)

There it was again.

Geoffrey, you get married
in less than 23 hours.

You cannot be sick.

Oh, no! You don't think we may
have to delay the wedding, do you?

That would be awful,
but it's your call,

and definitely the right one.

Take three cherry
drops, two menthol,

and one of these
weird European ones

that taste like a
yodeler's armpit.

I think it might be more
serious than just a cough.

What are your
symptoms, Geoffrey?

Because all you need
to be is upright

and able to mumble, "I do."

Well, I'm dizzy.

My tummy's bothering me,
but it's also my head.

My eyeballs are hot.

My teeth are cold.

And is this a thing? My
tongue, it's expanding.

(LISPING) Loog, ith
happenink light mow!

Smart. Call off the wedding.

I'm not calling off (BLEEP).

Get me all the doctors!

Doctors? W-We don't need to bring
medical professionals into this.

We are gonna poke, prod,
and check your fluids,

and if all goes well, smash
you together good as new!

Adam! Barry!

Is it time for the
wedding? I'm not showering.

I've thought about it,
and I no longer want

the honor of being
the ring bearer.

Mostly 'cause I lost
that tiny pillow.

Nothing to be alarmed about,
but I'm taking Geoffrey

to every physician in
the Philadelphia area.

Sounds right. How
does that concern us?

Since I'll be busy with
Geoff, it means you boys

need to take Erica to our
scheduled Mother-Daughter Spa Day.

Spa day? That's girl stuff.

Yeah, do these rugged
hands look like

they would ever take part
in whatever feminine hijinks

goes on in that building that
was clearly a Taco Bell once?

I'm with Barry.
No Taco Bell toes.

You'll get a pedicure, a facial,

and a hot-stone massage.

And make sure that Erica gets the
stress relief she so desperately needs!

Here I go, I guess!

Great. Now we have
to be pampered.

Weddings are so challenging

for the brothers of the bride.

ADULT ADAM: As we set
off to relax with Erica,

Geoff was about to
do anything but.

This boy is not well.

Drain him, scan
him, and scrape him,

mouth to exit.
Leave nothing out.

You can leave the exit
out! M-My exit is perfect!

N-Not that I examine it!

I mean, it... It does its job.


Let's explore.

did anything but relax,

that's all we were doing.

Robes? I don't do well in
loosely-bound clothing.

I'm a magnet for ill-timed
breezes and errant doorknobs.

Love your body,
Adam. I love mine.

It's why I don't use the belt.

Well, you should.

I'm already freaking
out about this wedding.

There can't be more
for me to unsee.

What's her problem? Who am I?

The guy who wants to know her?

Oh, my God, you two
dopes are so lucky.

No one will ever marry you.

Oh, no, thank you!

I don't like it when
people touch my...

F... Hachi machi! Ooh,
please do not stop

until you are
legally mandated to.

ADULT ADAM: And so, our very
different journeys began.

As we found ourselves in a
state of deep relaxation...

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, really get in there.

Geoff, on the other
hand, did not.

Please don't make me
go in there! Please!

Oh, man. That is cool.

Uncool! Shouldn't I be
wearing a lead vest?

Do hot stones hurt?

Do spinal taps hurt?



ALL: Ooh!


Today was so nice.

Thank you guys so much
for coming with me.

I had a great time.
This was amazing.

Wait. Are you guys crying?

All these luxurious treatments
have opened up things in me.

I know. I'm examining my life

in ways I never have before.

I'm just so happy that
you're marrying Geoff.

It's just so beautiful.

It really is. For
the first time,

my pores and my heart are open.

You're marrying my
best friend. Oh.

I would go over there,
but it's just too far.

ADULT ADAM: While the
spa made us right,

the doctor couldn't
find anything wrong.

We've run every test
imaginable, son.

I mean, some not in the least bit
routine for a man of your age.

The mammogram did give me pause.

I can't find anything
wrong with you.

Well, then there has
obviously been an error.

Geoff, back in the tube.

No, don't make me go back
in that mean robot's belly!

Have you been feeling
any stress recently?

A little. Got a
wedding coming up.

I have a diagnosis...

A classic case of cold feet.

Impossible. Geoff loves Erica.

All he wants to do is marry her.

It's too bad that Dr. Cold
Hands here couldn't help me.

(COUGHS) Guess I'll have to
go tell Erica the bad news...

We'll have to
indefinitely postpone.

ADULT ADAM: And that's when my
mom made a diagnosis of her own...

Geoff was full of (BLEEP).

being forced by our mom

into a pre-wedding
day of relaxation,

my siblings and I
were riding high.

Spas are the best!

Who knew my skin,
nails, and brows

could look as perfect
as the rest of me?

Lately I've been feeling crazy
with all this wedding stuff,

so I'm really happy that we got
to do this spa thing together,

the three of us.

Sis, we're the lucky ones.

We got several uninterrupted
hours with the bride!

I don't see why we shouldn't
do this every weekend.

We're spa siblings now.

Spa siblings? I love it.

(SIGHS) Is she the best?

I feel like she's the best, and we've
taken it for granted our entire lives.

Definitely. We
gotta do something

to keep her in a good
head space this weekend.

What if we made her a batch of
that cucumber water from the spa?

Yes! To the crisper drawer!

Beverly, for the, uh, ceremonial
smashing of the glass,

will a liturgical broom
and dustpan be provided,

or is the one from
my garage okay?

Forget the wasteful ancient
traditions of my people!

We got a bigger problem.

The groom is the
picture of health.

Well, that sounds like good news

for a young man about to be wed.

It's not. The doctor says he's
got a raging case of the yips.

Ooh. Yeah, that burns.

No! It means he's
got cold feet.

Oh, my. And as the terrifying
mother of the bride,

I trust that you're gonna give
him the space and time he needs

to come to his senses?

I am gonna bring so much pain,

he'll need a second
epidural after the one

I forced him to get earlier.

I may be but a humble
deacon masking as a rabbi

for the wedding of
my boss' daughter,

but that is a bad idea.

It could permanently affect
your relationship with Erica.

Erica. Crap!

I forgot she was
even part of this!

You thinking what I'm thinking?

We wallop Geoff with
these cukes and picks?

It's time the brothers Goldberg

had a little chat
with the groom.

ADULT ADAM: And so, Barry and I
set out to defend our spa sibling

by giving Geoff a little
special treatment of his own.

Nice style choice, fellas.

Barry, you look like David Bowie

in his business-chic
years, and, Adam,

you look like Meryl Streep
in Kramer vs. Kramer.

That is so kind.

She had so much gravitas and...

And we're tough
guys! That's right.

We exude danger, and
you're terrified of us

and the lines we might cross.

The only thing I'm
terrified about

is that I haven't
offered you a lemonade.

Will you guys get on in here?

Don't tell me what to do.

I tell you what to do
'cause I'm bad cop.

And you know what?
I'm also bad cop!

Dude, we can't both be bad cop.

It's twice as intense.

ADAM: Which gives him
no reason to trust us.

Who are you, good bad cop?

Did you guys need
something, or...

You say nothing! Talk and die!

GEOFF: Whoa!

Tell us why you don't
wanna marry Erica!

What? Who said that?

Tell us why you're gonna smash
our sister's delicate heart

into a million tiny pieces!

Barry? Adam? What's going on?

Your brothers are trying to
intimidate me for some reason.

I hate that you have
to learn it this way,

but since we are spa
siblings, you must know...

Geoff, he doesn't
wanna marry you.

And we'll take any
number of household items

to do harm upon him.

Because spa siblings.

I do wanna marry Erica, and
what the hell is a spa sibling?

Aw, did you guys threaten
my fiance on my behalf?

Wow, we really did bond today.

So hard. Family finally
means something to me.

And Geoff doesn't
have cold feet.

He's just faking sick to
get out of the wedding.

If you wanna get married, why
are you trying to get out of it?

Because Mom planned the
most over-the-top ceremony

of all time.

Geoff was just trying
to give me what I want.

Aww. He cherishes you.

I really do.

I know that only moments
ago, we were planning

on committing violence upon you,

but now all that
rage has turned into

a mushy clump of love.

We're all spa siblings!

I guess since this whole
sick thing didn't work out,

there's only one
thing left to do.

Hide in the attic like
I did when my dad tried

to make the family
walk the Freedom Trail?

It's like a hundred miles long.

No. It's my wedding.

I gotta stand up to my mom.

That's not gonna end well.

Probably not. But she's
not gonna do it alone.

We're a team.

ADULT ADAM: While our feelings
toward Geoff had warmed,

it seemed the weather had not.

What do you mean all
flights are canceled?

Baruch ata adonai...

Aunt Ida, just,
uh, hand the phone

to the witch typing
loudly in the background.

Melech ha-olam...

Is that the proper amount
of guilt and phlegm?

I don't care what the FAA says,

the BEV says open all the gates!

No one's ever been
killed by a little ice.

Actually, Grandfather
Antoine met the Lord

while grabbing the Ottawa
Journal on our driveway sleet.

Olav ha-sholom, Pappy Brown.

Don't you put me on
hold... D... Dammit!

LOU: Beverly, we
have big problems.

Cousin Hertzel is
stuck in Newark!

And I heard that Geoffrey
wasn't feeling well

from multiple calls from our
panicked insurance agent.

Relax, Linda, I made
sure he had every tube,

needle, and camera
jabbed into him.

And do you know what the
diagnosis was? Cold feet.

Like frostbite?

Oh, Lou's side does have a
history of terrible circulation.

And your whole
family are Ferrignos?

Oh, my God! You're
all so stressed

and miserable. It's hilarious.

Everyone stop! I
don't have cold feet!

Yes! So my plan to not
kill you was the right one.

We need to talk
about the wedding.

Erica, believe me,
Mama will make sure

that everything goes as planned.

That's just the
thing... MURRAY: Hey!

The storm is back and
tracking right into us, folks.

Please, cancel those
plans and stay inside.

No! I diverted you once, Mother
Nature, and I'll do it again.

Move, wretched blizzard!

ADULT ADAM: Not if my sister
had anything to do with it.

Come on, storm buddy.

Ice us! Ice us but good!

The temperature is
dropping incredibly fast.

They have a concerning
amount of confidence

in their sway on nature.

Erica, you're moving
the storm the wrong way!

I'm moving it right
where I want it!

Stop! It's for
our dream wedding!

This isn't my dream
wedding, it's yours!

How dare you.

I have been working non-stop
to make everything perfect.

How dare you!

I wanted something
simple and sweet,

but you've turned it
into a literal circus.

I think I saw a bearded lady.

That may have been
my Great Aunt Edna.

She has pituitary issues.


Oh. Well, I hope you're happy,

'cause now it looks like
there's not gonna be a wedding.

Of course I'm not happy, Mom.

I can't wait to marry Geoff,

but I just want it to be
my wedding and not yours.

to the weather,

Erica and Geoff's
wedding was off.

But an unexpected ice storm...


wasn't the only
surprise that day.

Are you...

Rock-Pop sensation Richard Marx?

In the smoking-hot flesh.

Not the real Richard Marx.

No, I definitely am
the real Richard Marx.

Look at my lustrous hair.

This gorgeous mane sold
10 million albums alone.

And this smile? Another 10.

If you're the real Richard
Marx, then how big is a Grammy?

Well, I don't think you have to be
Richard Marx to know that, but...

About yea big. It is him.

The man who wrote
Don't Mean Nothin'

about the perils of the
entertainment business.

Serious question,
who's that for?

Look, your mother hired me to play
a wedding, but the roads are closed,

so I wanted to return her check.

Richard Marx is a class act.

It's true. Global superstardom

and endless wealth
haven't changed me.

Anyway, it's really bad
out here. Could I come in?

Although I do feel like
I know you intimately

because of your
emotional lyrics,

you're still a stranger.

Dad! MURRAY: What?

Can Richard Marx come in? No!

But I'm Richard Marx.

He's always grumpy. Just don't
set up in front of the TV.

I've written a ton of power
ballads. You, uh, wanna hear 'em?

Not even a little.

ADULT ADAM: As we welcomed
in a global pop star,

my mom had to face
her own music.


Hey. Errm.

I want to tell you something.

What? Did one of the unicorns

accidentally gouge a fire-eater?

I am sorry.

I wanted to throw you a wedding
as big as the love I have for you

instead of the one
you really wanted.

Mom, I tried to tell you,
the wedding of my dreams

just needs this guy
that I'm crazy about

and the people that
we love around us.

Nothing more.

I see that now.

Um, well, come on.

I want to show you something.

Oh, you might want to put
on your dress and tux.


ADULT ADAM: And so, in
the house she grew up in,

surrounded by all
the people she loved,

what was the biggest wedding
in Jenkintown history

became the smallest.

And it was just
what Erica wanted.

Oh, my God. This
is incredible.

MURRAY: My little peanut.

Yeah, well, your brothers
took care of most of it.

For you, we'd do anything.

We don't say it enough,
but we love you, sis.

So much.

That's so sweet.

And holy crap. Is
that Richard Marx?

Damn right it is. Hello.

He's the only thing I kept
from the original celebration.

Is it okay?

Mom, this is perfect.

Thank you.

MURRAY: Sweetheart.

You ready?

I've never been more ready
for anything in my life.

ADULT ADAM: So, under the glow
of our candlelit living room,

Erica and Geoff, high
school sweethearts,

got hitched.

Sometimes, the right guy
has always been there,

carrying a cello and
unable to eat Thai food.

But I love your kindness,
your compassion,

your endless patience,
and your love.

ADULT ADAM: It wasn't
what they had planned.

You've never washed a dish,
nor accepted any criticism

in the gentle way I intended.


But you've also never
backed down from a fight

when you knew it was
the right thing to do.

I love your strength.

I love your courage.

I even love your family.


But mostly, I love you.

ADULT ADAM: But it turned
out to be the perfect night

for the perfect couple.

VIC: By the power
vested in me,

by the Commonwealth
of Pennsylvania,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

MARX: ♪♪ Wherever you go

♪ Whatever you do

♪ I will be right
here waiting for you

♪ Whatever it takes

♪ Or how my heart breaks...

ADULT ADAM: Geoff was right.

We all felt the love
in the house that night

as our families
joined to become one.

It was a dream come true.

♪ You've got me going crazy...

Erica and Geoff,

for my parents, for all of us.

♪ I will be right
here waiting for you ♪

My baby's married!


Excuse me. I was wondering if I
could maybe get my check back now?

Your check for what
exactly, Richard Marx?

For my performance.

I kinda nailed it.

Oh, my. A certain
platinum artist

is very big for his britches.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna write down a number,

and you can either
take it or leave it.

That is not a number.

And why would I
do that to myself?

Oh, boo-hoo. Write
a sad song about it.

Oh, I will! And it'll be
a number-one smash hit!

There you go.

And I'm taking this!

Beautiful hair. You, too.