The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 14 - Episode #9.14 - full transcript

Back in the '80s, my brother
was an unlikely ladies' man.

But when he met Joanne, an
equally unpredictable wildcard,

he finally found
his perfect fit.

Thank you for attending
this emergency presentation

of our plans for your bachelor
and bachelorette parties.

None of this seems
like an emergency.

Shut up! Let's
begin with diving,

scuba, cliff, and sky.

Your body might explode

from all the drastic
changes in pressure.

Yeah, the only thing
I'm jumping out of

is bed every morning at 5:00.

More time for a lazy
breakfast with a book.

Fret not, my gutless friend.

I'll strap you to my back so
if the chute doesn't open,

we'll smash together into
an indecipherable slop

that our parents will
pour into a single grave.

- Aw.
- Fun.

Joanne, what do you got for me?

Are we doing the
two-man soup coffin?

Better! We will be flying to
Seville to run with the bulls!

Or possibly Chicago to run with
Bulls forward Scottie Pippen.

I prefer neither.

Hell you say?

I spent minutes on this stuff.

Sorry, we're just not interested
in group danger or injury.

But it is my duty
as your best man

to possibly ruin your life
with one filthy weekend.

And my duty as a
person who wants to do

improper and vulgar stuff.

We have the solution.

We're going to do a
simple, co-ed weekend

with our friends - at the beach.
- Boring!

It won't be as
boring as you think

because all of your
exes will be there.

Bar, will you be
okay spending time

with Lainey, Ren,
and Valley Erica?

Worry about them.

I'll be parading around
in my white Speedo

with foxy Joanne in
her white Speedo.

Aw. Yeah, aw.

Get over here. Oh, ooh!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was February 23rd,

and my mom was meeting
with the officiant

of my sister's wedding,
my dad's friend, Vic.

And I boned up on your
people's marriage rituals,

and nowhere in your sacred texts

is it kosher for
the mother-in-law

to hold hands with
the bride and groom

as they do their vows.

I guess we'll just have to wait
for our three-person dance.

Beverly, I assume you've seen

this morning's
Jenkintown Examiner?

Ooh, I love the Examiner.

They did that expose on
the donut place I like.

My love of crullers helped
fund the war in Nicaragua.

No, this is about our
children's wedding announcement.

Kinda what I wanted to
talk to you about, Beverly.

"Geoffrey Todd Schwartz,
son of L and L Schwartz,

"to wed Erica Goldberg,
daughter of Beverly Goldberg,

"beloved cookbook author,
beloved almost lawyer,

"and beloved Quaker Warden
of William Penn Academy."

Are you concerned there
aren't enough "beloveds?"

I faxed you a cornucopia of
biographical information,

none of which you included.

Space was limited.

So limited you couldn't
include our first names?

And why is there a photo of you?

Well, I commissioned a
portrait, but it wasn't ready.

Now, thanks for stopping by,

but I have a wedding to plan.

Well, why don't I take
something off your hands?

Uh, well, you could
valet the cars?

I'm the father of the groom.

Also, I can't get in and out
of those low Japanese models.

How 'bout this? I make
the video tribute.

Adam's on that.

Oh, Adam's not on that.

These are the last couple
months with m'lady friend, Brea,

so I'm kinda trying
to... you know, make hay.

The fellas get it.

- Not really.
- A little shame is a good thing, son.

So it's decided then.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I probably should return
this to the library.

You gotta spy on Lou
while he makes this video.

- No thanks!
- Yes, thanks!

This wedding is a sacred
event to our family.

I need to know if Lou
Schwartz is doing me dirty!

Doing you dirty?

The man has season tickets
to something called

"Jazz Under the Stars."

I'll buy you
something expensive.

That's all you had to say.

While my mom suspected
Lou was up to no good,

Geoff and Erica were down the
shore for their big weekend.

What's with the flowers?

They're for Barry's exes.

He thought it'd be a
nice way to welcome them.

While my former lovers

may no longer be able

to enjoy my ripped bod

or neon charisma,

these flowers from the
open lot across the street

should ease the longing.

I'm gonna ignore it all

and ask that you never - say "lovers" again.
- Hi.


JTP! My boys are in the house!

Yeah, we are!

- And we're psyched, man!
- Totally.

When we first heard you were
doing something nontraditional,

we were like, "What?"

Yeah, but then we
realized we're single men.

We can do unspeakable
acts any time we want.

Oh, big time.

I am just one bad choice away

from ruining my life
and many others.

Well, why don't you dip your
toes in these rough waters

and try this crudites plate?

Oh, carrot crazy.

We made it!

Barely. We had a little
problem with our flight.

Uh, a flight of tequila at
our stopover in Detroit.

Yeah. I like the clear kind
and also the other kind.

- Oh.
- So much.

There they are, all
my former flames.

Just a little bit dimmer.

Here, let me throw
some kerosene on that.

And what are these for?

For your bravery.

Why are we brave, exactly?

Well, you showed up here
at the great personal cost

of being around me

and my erotically potent
lady friend, Joanne.

She's also my sister, so it
takes time getting used to.

Anyway, you gutsy spinsters
need help with your bags?

Oh, we're good.
The guys are on it.

Guys? On it? Good?

Everyone, this is my husband,
Dr. Stephen Stephens.

His name is ridiculous,
but he is rad.

It's nice to meet all of you.

Oh, I should take this.

Dan Majerle pulled
his groin again.

"Thunder" Dan Majerle
from the Phoenix Suns?

Dr. Steve is their doctor.

He's, like, always
dealing with their groins.

You hear that, Bar?

Dr. Stevie Stevenson
has your dream job.


Does he also own a secret
chocolate factory on the side,

but instead of
chocolate, it's biscuits?

I just met him, but
I'm 100% certain no.

- No, right?
- No, it's definitely no.

- No.
- Oh!

This is my special guy. Mwah!

- Also Steve.
- Am I crazy, or does he look familiar?

Okay, nobody freak out,

but Steve is one of
Willie Aames' stand-ins

on the TV show
Charles in Charge.

Oh, so cool! Big deal.

So you have his curls,
his dimples, his easy way.

You don't have his bank account.

No, but my dad invented
two-sided tape,

so I'm much richer.


- Is place?
- Is place. Come here.

Guys, meet my new
boy toy, Stephan.

He's very pretty.

Yeah, he is, and so tall, too.

We're gonna be fast friends.

Uh, unlikely. The only English
he knows is "Is place?"

Oh, then how'd you
two get together?

You know, we have other
ways of communicating.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

Okay, who wants - top bunk?
- Whoo!

- This way.
- That way.

I guess she's just gonna keep
us hanging on the other ways.

Barry, this is great.

You were worried about nothing.

All of your exes are thriving.

Oh, sweet, impossibly naive
Joanne, don't you see?

They're not thriving.
They're dying inside.

- They are?
- Yes.

It's all an elaborate,
multi-person charade

to hide their true
feelings for moi.

It would be sad if
it wasn't hilarious.

Laugh with me.

As Barry was seeing his
exes in a new light,

something dark was going on
with Lou's wedding tribute.

Hi, Dr. Schwartz.

My mom sent me over
with some family photos

for the wedding montage video.

I'll be sure to add
them to the pile.

My mom was also hoping I
could help out with the video.

No need. I've
already hired a pro.

Oddly, his name is
also Adam Goldberg.

Well, well, Adam
Goldberg the lesser.

You two know each other?

Former foes, current
apathetic acquaintances.

Future who knows.

I thought you moved to Hollywood

to work in the dream factories.

I did, armed with the best
Mr. Belvedere script ever written.

The studio brass said that?

My nana did. She's
impeccable with story.

Unfortunately, the entirety
of show business disagreed.

None of this came
out in the interview,

but thanks for
dropping by, Adam.

I'd like him to stay.

I need some extra hands
sorting all this crap.

You mean my treasured
family memories?

It's pictures set to music.

It ain't Belvedere, brother.

Maybe I can see - what you have so far?
- No, no, no, no.

You can start by fueling up
our creative tanks with coffee.

Oh, I'm no good with tasks.

That's the industry, kid.

You start at the bottom
and work your way up

to paying rent to live
in your nana's sunroom.

And so, instead of
keeping an eye on Lou,

I was keeping an eye on
his lengthy to-do list.

I got the dry cleaning.

It would've been easier if
you had given me the ticket,

or the address.

I'm back from the vet.

Mitzy's anal glands are
officially expressed.

Back from all the McDonald's
in the Philly area.

Turns out it's not
Shamrock Shake season,

as I gently tried
to explain to you.

I'm back.

Where's Lou?

I somehow found extra-large
toenail clippers.

Wait, you haven't even cracked
open my mom's photo album yet.

Welcome to the nasty
side of weddings, pal.

It's not all about the
happy couple's special day.

What are you saying?

I'm saying this video
tribute is all Schwartz.

As Lou was putting his
family front and center,

my brother was
calling for backup.

Thank you for coming to

this emergency 6:00
a.m. meeting of the JTP.

You told us there'd
be bagels and OJ.

That was a cover for the
reason we're gathering,

to stop my exes from
ruining this weekend.

But there's a poppy seed
and juice in front of you...

That's where I got

the idea for the lie.

Think before you interrupt me,

Matt Bradley.

How exactly are Lainey,
Ren, and Valley Erica

ruining the weekend?

Well, it's become
painfully clear

that they're not over me and
desperately want me back.

That is not clear.

One of them is married.

Yeah, last night I
heard Stephan and Ren's

fondness for each
other through the wall.

They snatched up
a trio of losers

to try and ease the
pain of seeing me.

Dude. Steve runs with
the brat pack's B-team,

Dr. Steve rebuilt
Jeff Hornacek's knee,

and Stephan's butt and
jaw were just featured

in a Calvin Klein magazine ad!

I took a look. It's nice.

But do they have what I have?

An exaggerated
sense of self-worth?

A big toe with a
really small nail?

I was going to say
the nail thing.

Barry magic.

So there's only one thing to do.

Nothing. It's
obviously nothing.

I will shame their boyfriends
with my intense masculinity

until they are forced to leave
under a cloud of humiliation.

How would that help anything?

It will force my exes to admit
their undying love for me.

Then, after many tears,
we can all begin to heal.

I guess from a
twisted, shoehorned,

almost 100% wrong point of
view, that makes some sense.

- Some indeed.
- Great news!

Today, we're going to have some
fun playing The Bach-lympics.

It's a combination of
"bachelor" and "Olympics."

Everybody gets it, Geoff.

Anyway, we're going
to be playing games.

Physical and mental challenges

that showcase one's
dominance over weaker foes.

It's perfect.

Your tone and words suggest
you're not approaching this

with the fun that's
intended, but okay.

I will crush these
men under my Jordans.

Or flip-flops if
it's on the sand.

This seems like a huge mistake.

I'm too tired and
hungry to stop him.

I would not wear flip-flops
with your weird big toe.

Lou had cut our family from
the wedding video tribute,

and it was up to
me to tell my mom.

Hey, Mr. Brown,
is my mom around?

She stepped out to yell
at a wedding vendor.

Something about destroying
their entire lineage

if they don't get
the stemware correct.

She's a volatile lady.

She's not gonna take
what I have to say easy.

Lay down your burden, Adam.

I'm a deacon, and that
means more than just driving

the church shuttle to and from
the devotional softball game.

That kind of sounds official.

Lou's not including our family
in the video montage at all.

Oh, no! I can't know that!

You have to tell your
mother so her and Lou

can, uh, discuss this calmly
and rationally, as adults.

Calm? Rational?

Those words don't sound
like things my mom is

or ever will be.

There's my Schmoo.

Did you find out Lou's trying
to steal the wedding yet?

- How'd you know?
- That overstuffed pastry bag was so obvious.

Come on, dish the dirt to Mama.

He's not using a single
photo of us in the video.

But we can still be
reasonable about this.

I'll be as reasonable
with the seating chart

as he's being with the video.

Say hello to the parking
lot, Lou's cousin Glen.

Oh, but Cousin Glen's flying
in from Shaker Heights!

- I can't be a part of this.
- Too late.

You are gonna go
destroy that tape

if you have to burn the
place to the ground.

That's arson.

Only if you get caught. Go!

Thanks for the help,
Deacon Do Nothing.

Only God can judge me.

And I imagine he isn't pleased.

While my mom was settling
the score with Lou,

Barry was attempting to
score in The Bach-lympics.

Okay, one, two, three, toss!

First was the egg toss.

Damn it, Naked Rob!
How about a heads up?

Next was the quick change.

Alright, Stephan and I are done!

Ooh-la-la! That's
what I'm taking home.

This is rigged!

Stephan's a model! He
changes clothes for a living!

And then came the
name-guessing game.

Okay, it's two words. The
first is your dream job.

- Ninja.
- No.

- Vampire hunter.
- No.

Intercontinental -wrestling champion?
- No!

And time.

"Dr. Zhivago"?

That's not anyone's name.
I demand a fourth do-over.

No. And it's time to
check our leaderboard.



Barry... You're all cheating

by being knowledgeable about
your partners and the world!

Off I go!

As my brother had lost
his grip on the Steves,

my mom had sent me to get my
hands on Lou's wedding tribute.

Hey. Did you finish
the video yet?

Just slapped my "a
film by" credit on

to let the crew know
they're just cogs.

And just like that, I
was alone with the tape.

It would be so easy to destroy.

Hello, Adam.

Or not.

What have you got
in your hand there?

Just your finished video.

Easy now.

Set the tape down, slow.

I think I'm gonna hold
onto it for a sec.

Don't do anything stupid, son.


We're all safe now.

Argh! Dr. Schwartz, please!

As a doctor, a pillar
of the community,

and as a father, don't do this.

Be the bigger man.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I have taken this too far.

It's okay.

You're not the only one.

You should see what my mom was
doing to the seating chart.

- Oh?
- Well, let's just say

your family was pushed
behind the carving station.

I understand.

I don't understand!

Cousin Marlene is in
the overflow room?

- She has a palsied foot!
- You like that?

Well, wait till you see
where I put your parents.

The freight elevator, next
to Great Uncle Yankel?

You with Bev, you get

Okay, there's the low point.

- The wedding is off!
- And yet lower we go.

You can't call the wedding off
because I'm calling it off.

Neither of you can call it off.

Fine! The wedding is back on,

but I will make sure
it is terrible for you.

Oh, you don't know terrible!

Trust me, no one knows terrible
more than she does, man.

As the wedding battle
hit a fever pitch,

my brother was taking one last
swing at beating the Steves.

The trophy goes to...

Me! Or it will, after
our last competition,

a rap battle between me and
Dr. Steve for 100 points.

You're behind by 200.

One million points.

Yeah, let me just
check the rules.

- No.
- It's agreed.

Dr. Steve, do you
accept my challenge,

or do you admit defeat?

Sorry, um, I was on the
phone with the Suns' gorilla.

He twisted his ankle
on a trampoline jam.

Are you talking to me?

Barry, can I talk
to you privately?

Not now. I'm about to drop
some funky cold medina.

Okay, Big Tasty, you
can begin or whatever.

♪ Dr. Steve Older
than the hills

♪ You gotta help him walk
or he'll take big spills

♪ Hollywood Steve
ain't nothing like me

♪ Just a poor man's
Aames a wee Willie Wee

♪ Stephan can't
understand a word

♪ Body by Jake but
the face of a turd

♪ And then there's me
the greatest ex-boyfriend

♪ The man who rocked the world
of Lainey that one and Ren! ♪


I mean, I think we
have our winner,

but what the heck, I
will give it a try.

Do I have to spit - as much as he did?
- Please don't.

♪ Geoff and Erica,
a love born so true

♪ For him and for her
there's nothing they won't do

♪ When Geoff first saw you
his loving heart was slain

♪ A woman so strong who
still had hands like the rain

♪ Delicate and soft
a touch he needed

♪ So to his deepest passion
this great man heeded

♪ So together, they embark
on their journey of love

♪ A God-given miracle
from heaven above! ♪

That was amazing!

That made my entire weekend.

Dr. Steve, how
did you do that?

Well, I kind of channeled
all the love I'm feeling

in this house, I guess.

I have two words
for you... Nice job?

You suck and you're old!

Well, that was five
words, and I'm 36.

My God, enough!

This whole weekend, you've been
trying to impress your exes,

barely paying attention to me.

You're not over any of them.

But at least now it's
clear who you are over.


- Joanne, come on.
- Mmm-mmm.

Thanks to my mom and Lou, the
wedding was falling apart.

So I decided to try and
put it back together.

I need to make things right,
and I need your help to do it.

That's what Wesley said in
season two's seminal episode,

"Requiem." Mr. Belvedere?

Sorry. Sometimes, I
forget the world at large

doesn't share my passion
for all things Belv.

Look, I know if
we work together,

we can make a wedding
tribute video so magical,

it could end all this madness.

But if you won't do
it for love or art,

would you do it for money?

You had me at money.

And just like that,
we got down to work.

We used Schwartz
photos, Goldberg photos,

even my home movies.

And so I gathered the folks
who needed to see it most.

Up next, Mr. Belvedere.

"Mr. Belvedere"?

I'll tell you what it's not,

loving pictures of our family
set to a James Taylor song!

Damn it, it happened again.

Those trucker pills were
supposed to keep me focused.

Can I go? I despise
that fussbottom butler.

Maybe because he
reminds you of you,

a cranky buttinsky who
oversteps his role!

Oh, hell no!

I will not stand
here while you sully

Lynn Aloysius
Belvedere's good name!


Guys! We wanted to remind you

that weddings are
about coming together,

joining forces, and
being better for it.

Erica and Geoff are
making a commitment

to spend the rest of
their lives together.

Why can't you celebrate that?

I have been.

At the exclusion
of the Schwartzes!

He went too far with the video,

but this all started with
that wedding announcement.

That was very hurtful.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's just you're this
accomplished eye doctor,

and I'm just the
mother of the bride.

I wanted to feel important, too.

Beverly, you're
incredibly important.

You raised a wonderful daughter

that we're beyond delighted
to welcome into our family.

And two great sons.

If you say so.

You're right.

I am a mother and a hero.

See, this is what
it's all about.

You know what?

It is what it's all about.

I have so much work to do.

Making a montage video that
includes both of our families?

No, man. I'm gonna take another
crack at my Belv script.


While my mom and Lou
were making things right,

Barry was trying to figure
out where he went wrong.

Can I ask you guys something,

based on your intimate
knowledge of me?

You and I kissed
once at a party,

but, sure, I'll give
you life advice.

Why do I always ruin
the good things I have?

Look, Bar, you're the best,
but you can also be a little...

Emotionally out of control?

I was gonna say intense.

And you're never better than
when you're not worrying about

what other people think of you.

Or trying to show off.

You have a giant heart, and
you were a great boyfriend.

I was?

- Yes.
- Absolutely.

I thought your name was
Gary until this weekend.

Just be honest. No
weird plans or schemes.

Just tell her how you feel.

I think I can do that.

We know you can.

I don't know that
you can, but maybe?

Joanne, I know I've been a jerk.

Yeah, you have.

Look, all the women I ever dated

are now with amazing
men, so I freaked out.

Because you're jealous.
Yeah, I get it.

Because I got scared that
you might be the next one

to leave me and go
find your Steve.

You really think that?

Seems to be the pattern.

Barry, I would never dump
you for some amazing guy

because you're my amazing guy.

You're my Steve.

Guess I am the big
winner this weekend.

Yeah, you are.

♪ Oh We both are.

♪ Bring me higher love ♪

Weddings bring people together.

The stress that comes with them

can sometimes drive them apart.

Give it up for Dr. Steve!

But then again, what brings
everybody back together

is remembering why they were
all there in the first place.

'Cause when you celebrate love

with the people you
care about the most,

there's no such
thing as a bad seat.

Don't worry, kids, the
wedding is back on.

- What?
- I don't even want to know.

Even if getting there

can sometimes be a
little confusing.

Uh-oh. We still don't have
a seat for your Aunt Edna.

That woman is a pill. She
always pats my belly and says,

"Looks like you're
having twins."

Screw you, Aunt Edna!

At least I have eyebrows.

Well, why don't we put Aunt
Edna in the caterer's kitchen?

I like where your head's at.

And I am not fond of my cousin
Ronnie who still cleans pools,

so why don't we put him
in the smoking section?

We work well together.

Weddings really do bring
out the best in people.