The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 9, Episode 16 - The Downtown Boys - full transcript

Barry and his friends try to reclaim their youth by forming a boy band, but they quickly learn they aren't kids anymore. Meanwhile, Adam has the keys to Erica's downtown apartment but realizes he's not cut out for city life.

Back in the '80s,
there were no closer friends

than my brother
Barry's crew, the JTP.

They played together,
lived together,

even did whatever
this was together.

Yep, they were inseparable.

For my brother and his boys,

this was how it
would be forever.

Or so they thought.

Oh, man, that was

an epic Pat's vs. Geno's
cheesesteak taste battle,

and they're still
going at it inside me.

Uh, it's nothing the good
folks at Tums can't handle.

I read an article
in Reader's Digest.

Said to use Gas-X.Oh.

Let's see, I can't
read the dosage.

Is that a "3" or a cartoon
butt? Let me take a look.

Here, can you hold
my walking stick?

What's going on with you guys?

You're acting like old men.

How much time does Naked
Rob need in the bathroom?


What was that?

Look, it's a bunch of kids
smashing fruit like we used to!

Attention, random youths!

Did you get express written
consent to play our game?

What are you saying, old dude?

"Old dude"?

How dare you?

We're young like
you. Maybe younger.

Judging from your use of
the phrase "How dare you?"

You probably have
a bank account.

Shows what you know.

I don't.

Bar, you don't have
a bank account?

Not even a simple checking?

Gotta build credit, bro. Never!

And I challenge our peers
here to a game of smashball.

Bring it on, George Burns.

I assume you mean
teenage George Burns,

so thank you.

And so began the most
embarrassing game of smashball

the JTP ever played.

They whiffed bad. Oh!

They swallowed their pride...
And probably some seeds. Oh! Ugh!

And in a game thatthey created,

a game with no
real scoring... Oh!

Or means to determine a winner,

JTP clearly lost. Oh!

Ugh, I think I have
a grape in my ear.

Also, how long has Naked
Rob been in the bathroom?

I mean, at what
point do we check?

I'll go get some
Nuprin from my car.

No pills!

Our bodies heal
themselves naturally.

It's more about pain management.

No, the JTP never give up.

To quote the sloppily
edited-for-TV version

of Lethal Weapon,

"I'm too old for this ship."

No, we are not!

If anything, we're too young
for this ... Ow!

It was March
16th, 1980-something...

My newly married sister was
headed out for her honeymoon.

Okay, I'm off to the
Poconos with my husband.

Whoa, "husband."

That sounds so weird.
Am I saying it right?

"Hoos-bond"? The Poconos?

I thought that
place was made up.

Nah, it's a place where
young people who have

no jobs or money go
on their honeymoon.

"Hey, we're married
now. There's a tree."

Have your fun, but while
I'm starting my new life,

you'll be here all
alone with Mom.

What are you talking about?

Dad's at that furniture
convention, remember?

Wow, people will really convene
over anything. Oh.

And while he's away,
Mom is gonna be on you

like gravy on rice.

You put gravy on rice?

You can gravy
anything, Dave Kim.

But the point is, Adam's in real
trouble. Dammit, she's right!

She's gonna smother me
like gravy on muffins.

Gravy is not that versatile.

Unless... Unless what?

You watch our apartment
while we're away.

Water our plants,
check our mail,

be there when our new
dishwasher arrives.

No way. You just want
me to be your houseboy.

No, but the delivery window

is anytime between 8:00 and 6:00

for the next 13 days.

Adam, exciting news.

I made us matching bed coats

for our thrilling
week of fun together.

Mom, I realize
Dad's out of town,

but it's actually
my spring break.

I know that, silly.

Welcome to South Madrelsland.

I bought a Frisbee

and a couple of
inflatable flamingos.

Hey, just like MTV,

but not at all.

I'm gonna go. Me, too.

Have fun in your
spring-break bed coats.

Wait! Actually, Mom?

Erica asked me to
watch her apartment

while she's away, and
I graciously accepted.

But that's... downtown,

where the buildings
and busy people are.

I would have loved to
stay and braid your hair,

but brother duty calls.

You made a good choice.
Ultimately, I didn't have one.

While I was fleeing
my mom for the big city,

Barry was determined

to return the JTP's
youthful spirit.

Do you have pogo sticks?
This is a Shade Shack.


What else ya got
that can rekindle

my best friends'
youthful spirits?

Have you seen these?

They're... red.

In that
moment, Barry knew exactly

what would help his
friends feel alive again.

It's perfect.

So, dudes, for $99.99,

I can turn you into stars.

Or detail your cars. Either way.

You two, leave.


There's a man who
knows what he wants.

What do you want?
Your search is over.

I got your next boy band
right here. Excellent!

I would love to meet this
child that you are obscuring

behind your strange body.

The child is me.

I and my similarly shaped amigos

will become the next Menudo.

But, you know, in English.

May I inquire as to how
young a teen you may be?

What's with the Barbara
Walters interview? Apologies.

This is my younger
brother, Jean Calabasas.

And before you ask,
different fathers.

He wasn't gonna ask.

Well, then, here's an
answer to another question

you have not yet posed.

Yes, you're a star, baby!

I am? He is?

I awkwardly just
said it, didn't I?

I took one look at you
and your anonymous bros,

and I can tell you,

your boy band is
gonna be a success.

I knew coming to the mall today
would solve all my problems!

Brother, uh, private
business meeting.

I'm not comfortable with this.

You want cash for
culinary school,

he wants to give it to you.

Everybody wins, especially me.

I can hear you guys.

And pretty soon,

with my little bro's
expensive guidance,

America's gonna hear you
on every radio station.

I'm assuming you
can sing and dance.

Obviously. Doesn't
matter, but I knew it.

So, as soon as that
cash hits my hand,

this guy is gonna jump
aboard your rocket ship

to fame and fortune.

Rocket? I don't wanna get in
any vehicle with this guy.

And that's the kind
of honest feedback

you can expect from this mall's

preeminent boy-band aficionado.

Take my father's money!

As Barry was
getting his band up and running,

Dave Kim and I were
heading downtown

to see what it had to offer.

Wow, we're on our
own in the big city.

The concrete jungle, where
buildings touch the sky.

And blot out the sun.

I hope these city dwellers are
supplementing with vitamin D.

Come on, let's
just get out there

and see what she has to offer.

The art, the cuisine
from far and wide,

the most sophisticated and
urbane people in the world.


There's a guy out there
in an Eagles jersey

screaming "Dallas
sucks!" as he pukes.

It's a Tuesday in the spring.

Dave Kim, whether
you like it or not,

we're downtown boys now,

and we're gonna do
downtown-boy things.

Fine. I could get a coffee.

Yes! Let's do it.

So we
hit the streets.

And for a moment,
it was pretty great.

Ah, I love coffee!

It's so bitter and awful,

but also alluring and delicious.

My twitching eyes
and racing heart

are distracting me from my
impending tummy trouble.

But, soon, the
streets started to hit back.

Hey, spare a dollar?

Oh, sorry, but I only have a 20.

And I only got three toes.

He makes a good argument.

Well, spend it wisely.

Hey, give me these.


Whoa! He can really move

for a guy with incomplete feet.

But our bad luck
didn't end there.

Hey, you guys want
to see a show?

I can't read it.

Is it a play or a musical?

It's called "Girls!
Girls! Girls!"

And the cast is wearing
a lot of lipstick.

They'll do or wear
whatever you want.


Immersive theater.

Oh, no!

Adult situations!

Run, Dave Kim! Run where?

It's all a blur! Oh!

Even the magic
show we stumbled upon

didn't lift our spirits.

That one has to be the queen.


Well, you are quite
the prestidigitator.

you call me?

Run, Dave Kim! Hey.

Why are we running so much?

My God, millions of
people choose this life?

And how have we passed
20 tattoo parlors

and not a single LensCrafters?

Okay, we'll be safe as
long as we stay together.

there's my mom.

See ya. But we're downtown boys!

I'm sorry.

I'm not, and I never
will be, a downtown boy.

That's not your mom!

And just like that,
I was alone in the big city.

Which totally wasn't a problem,

right after I called
my own mommy.

Schmoopie, what is it?

I was robbed by a man
with no toes! Oh, no!

And I saw some ladies through
the crack of a door. Oh, no!

And the magic-show man
raised his voice at me.

Oh, no! The city is awful.

Everywhere I go,
something drips on me,

even when it's not raining.

Where's it coming from?

Mama's on her way.


The city can't get you now.

Lock the door! There's
a bike in the hall!

As my mom
came to my rescue,

Barry wanted to save his friends

from thinking their best
days were behind them.

JTP except for Geoff,
who's on his honeymoon!

JTP except for
Geoff, who's on his honeymoon!

I have great news.

Your pathetic display yesterday

of weakness and physical
dilapidation has borne fruit.

I, I wouldn't say pathetic.

How dare you let yourself age.

Aw, come on, Bar, it's
not about getting older.

We're just a little distracted.

Like, I think I picked
the wrong major.

I mean, art history?

What the hell am I supposed to
do with that when I graduate?

I, too, am at a crossroads.

Um, my dad's retiring.

And I always thought, you
know, if nothing panned out,

I could just follow
him into that career,

but that door has
just been shut.

You're upset you can no longer

manufacture toddler car seats?

We saved lives.

Except for that one model.

I've gone as far as
I can go at the Gap.

The back-to-school rush
used to be exhilarating.

But nowadays, it's just like,

"Will these kids please
stop unfolding the jeans?!"

I was barely listening,

but I have the perfect solution.

We're gonna be
in the next great boy band.

Hey, I'm Jean Calabasas,

your manager and
boy-band consultant.

And it's worse than I thought.

Bar, what's going on?

We're not boys anymore.

We're boys who just
happen to be older

than conventionally aged boys.

You mean, adults?
Sure, but also boys.

And I have the perfect
name for our band.


I took one of the
best boy-band names,

Boyz II Men, I flipped it,

then I doubled it.

That reads like "Men for boys."

We're a tad older,
but still youthful.

Twice as good.

I flipped it, and
then I doubled it.

Yeah, I'm gonna move
on. He's not getting it.

What does this guy do?

I really don't have
an answer for you.

Maybe, uh, nodding and smiling.

He's the man behind
the men who are boys.

For example, you,
uh, you want a soda?

He writes the songs. I don't.

Does the choreography.Uh-uh.

Free spirit who can't be tamed.

I love it. What do you say?

Will you take my hand and
join me on this journey

of dance-pop success?

I do need a distraction.

I mean, the deadline
to switch majors

isn't till tomorrow.

Maybe my father will see me
struggling and not retire.

All the right reasons.

Hands in!

Men4Boyz! I'm not saying that.

Sounds bad on the ear. I don't
get how you don't hear it.

To the studio!

Come on. Come on, Jean.

None of you can ride with me.

My brother had
somehow convinced the JTP

to form a boy band,
despite the fact

that none of them
were actually boys.


Look at each other closely.

Today is the last day

you're all nameless losers.

Losers? Don't you want this?

'Cause there's a
trillion other boys

right behind you who do.

That seems like too many boys.

Okay, I'll jump right in,
or we'll never get home.

Show me your moves.

I have pretty severe
arthritis in my ankles.

It's hilarious. Uh, is
this gonna be high-octane?

The highest.

How are your singing
voices? Not good.

I have something called
performance burps.

I produce too much saliva.
Will that be an issue?

I sing like an angel,
but, unfortunately,

I was just diagnosed
with a rare condition

called Dog-Hair Lung.

I guess that's not nothing.

Damn right, it isn't.

'Cause Jean here is
gonna transform us

from a ragtag group

with an alarming amount of
physical and emotional ailments

into a teen sound sensation.

Why don't we start with
some scales? No need!

I've already taken
the liberty of writing

an international mega-jam
with choreography.

It's called "Age Appropriate"?

There's a slim chance some
of our fans might think

we're slightly older

than our smokin'-hot
teenage personas.

So I decided to
steer into the skid,

crafting a song that
both rocks bodies

and answers questions.

Uh, I guess we're
really gonna do this.

Two, three, four!

was... amazing.

Yes! That
was your takeaway?

Besides the lyrics
and our voices,

it was so great to
groove with you guys.

I liked the little
shuffle we did.

I liked the shuffle, too!

My ankle's kinda blowing up now.

Jean, get on the phone,
call Veterans Stadium.

Why exactly would I do that?

'Cause we're gonna need a venue

that can hold all
our screaming fans.

You have half a song

about a kind of
controversial issue,

and that guy is laying down.

You see it, too.

Okay, I'll put you
in our mall showcase

with the other children,

but it's gonna cost
you another $99.

Boys, we have our manager,

and he loves our sound.

I got a dollar if you have 100.

As the JTP was
dreaming of superstardom,

my mom had come to rescue me
from my big-city nightmare.

Schmooey, spring break is here.

Time to rise and shine.

Ugh, no, thanks.

Between the coffee shakes

and the ominous
soundtrack of the city,

I barely slept.

Oh, well, I guess I could
take a stroll. There you go.

And so, my mom began
her own big-city adventure.

She got coffee.

I just bought coffee from
a woman named Domino.

She made friends.
How delightful!

She explored the
local art scene.

A one-woman show at a bookstore?

And, of course, she shopped.

Yay! The combined
headwear of Mary andRhoda,

TV's most modern and
independent gals.

She met the colorful locals.

Oh, my!

You are the most scrumptious
mama I've ever seen!

I know!

Such splendid and
unnecessary color.

You know, I don't think

I've ever said this
to a woman before,

but I love you.

Yep, unlike me,
my mom couldn't get enough

of her downtown adventure.

She didn't want it to end.

There you are! Thank God!

Let's go. Yeah, we should go.


What about Erica's dishwasher?

Shoot. She
doesn't need a dishwasher!

She's got Geoff.
No, you know what?

You go. Take the car.

No sense in both of
us waiting around.

Love your thinking.

How full is the gas tank?

Doesn't matter.
I'm not stopping.

As my mom was
discovering she was a downtown girl,

Barry and the JTP were preparing

to get up onstage in
front of a bunch of kids.

Wow, they are really good.

And really boys. Not to worry.

When they see our act, they'll
go cryin' home to Mama.

Because they still live
with their parents,

because, again, they're boys.

Ah-ha! There they
are, my golden geese.

'Cause we're gonna give
you a stack of hit records.

What else could I possibly mean?

Are you boys ready to go on?

He just called us
boys. I'm pumped!

I have the right shoes on.

This is really happening.
I can't let you do this.

Um, he means that we
can't let you do this

without a good-luck
pat on the head.

Ooh, wow.

So wet for no reason.

No, my conscience won't
allow it. I don't get it.

Why do you suddenly
not believe in us,

Jean Calabasas?

Because I never believed in you.

I just wanted to open a
burger stand in a train car.

Guys, now that the adrenaline
has flushed from my body,

I'm realizing I'm about
to sing and gyrate

in front of a bunch of children.

What have I been talked into?

I see my niece out there!

Yeah, I'm 100% out. Guys, wait!

No, Bar, I, I can't believe
you're gonna let us go out there.

What am I wearing? I
can't believe you made us

do a photo shoot on the pier.

The pier, Barry!
Okay, I'm sorry.

Maybe I was just trying
to convince you guys

that no matter how old you are

or how your bodies feel or
what life throws at you,

you can do anything,
'cause you're the JTP.

You're invincible.

I just wish you
would see yourselves

the way I see you.

That was incredibly moving.

No refunds, boys.

While Barry was upset
to give up his boy-band dreams,

I was ecstatic to be in
the comfort of my own home.

Man, it's good to be back in
the loving bosom of the 'burbs.

But what happened downtown,

the things we saw,

hell, the things we did...

Don't be surprised if society
doesn't understand us anymore.

Is your mom home yet?
Someone needs to feed me.

She should have
been here by now.

Can we call your mom to feed us?

She's working at the restaurant

feeding someone else's son.

I'll call my mom and
ask if she can get

one of her friends to feed us.

They live for that
kind of thing.

Hello? Mrs. Kremp?

Essie, is that you? Where
are you with the wine?

It's Adam Goldberg.

Oh, my God, you sound
exactly like Essie.

Randall, you gotta hear this!

There are people
at the apartment.

Mrs. Kremp, what's going on?

Did my mom ask you over

so she could tell
you how to feed me?

No, that's gotta be Essie.

Essie, darling,
where's the wine?

That's what I'm
saying. It's not her.

Dude, you mom
is having a bohemian city party.

My mom embracing
the counterculture?

She wouldn't let the guy who
patched the roof use the bathroom.

Whatever she's doing, it
sounds like that apartment

is full of life and new ideas.

when it hit me.

She was in trouble. Oh, no!


Everyone, hands up!

Or you have to deal
with blue here!

Adam? Oh, sweet
Mama, you're alive!

So, it's not just on the phone.

Has he always
sounded like Essie?

I don't know. I didn't
hear it till today.

Yeah, I'm gonna leave.

There are, like, murderers
and stuff out there.

Adam, baby, why'd
you call the fuzz?


You're even using
their lingo now?

Who's "they"? City folk.

How are you thriving
here? I don't know.

There's a new discovery
around every corner.

Exactly! And I'm
terrified of all of it!

I mean, I'm supposed
to go to NYU next year.

How the hell am I
gonna survive that?

Schmoo... I just don't
think I can do it.

I just don't.

After failing to keep his
best friends youthful with the boy band,

Barry felt more out
of tune than ever.

Hey, Bar, can we talk?

So you can tell me
you're replacing me

as leader of the JTP?

Why would we do that?

'Cause I tried to
make you shimmy

for preteens and their moms.

Well, admittedly,
that wasn't great,

but the idea behind it was.

Yeah, you were just trying
to lift our spirits.

And you saw how burdened we were

with all the stuff that
comes with getting older.

And you wanted to remind
us that no matter what,

we're young at heart.

And you did it
because you love us.

I really do.

And we love you, too, man.

And that makes you
the best leader

the JTP could ever have.



Get in here.

So, does this mean you might
reconsider forming a group?

We have something else in mind.

With that, the JTP
didn't return to the stage.

But they did return to the Wawa.


Grampa Munster is
back for a rematch.

Game on.

As the JTP reclaimed their past,

I was still worried
about my future.


I got you a souvenir.

A Liberty Bell key chain?

Really? So I can be
constantly reminded

that I couldn't hack
it in the big city?

Adam, next year,
you're gonna put

your dorm and mail
and bike keys on this,

and a million other keys

that are gonna unlock
the whole world.

That's sweet.

But, honestly, I'm
not sure I'll survive.

I'm gonna have to live
in New York on my own.

It's gonna be an adjustment.

But you'll learn to love it,
and you'll never be alone.

Oh, because I'm
gonna have a roommate

going through the
same things I am?

Oh, no! I'll be
there constantly.

Turns out, I love the city.

I know.

When did that happen? Too late.

I never got the chance
to live the life you will

as a young person.

And truthfully, I regret it.

And the last thing
I would ever want

is for you to regret it, too.

Thanks, Mom.

Part of growing
up is facing change.

And change can be scary.

But even though you can't
turn back the clock...

Yeah! ...Every once in a while,

you might be able to
slow time down a little.


JTP! More than
anything, in the end,

living in the present is
what's most important.

When you savor every moment

with the people you
care about most,

life is extra sweet.

So good, man. Oh, yeah.

Nice. We did it, man.

Adam, what the hell?!

Oh, right!

The dishwasher.

Thanks for bringing it in.

Who are all these people?

I'm Randall.

This is Domino... DOMINO: Hi!

Juniper... JUNIPER: Hey.


I don't want to know
all these people.

And, Adam, I didn't
give you permission

to throw a party.

Oh, this isn't mine.

Who wants sangria?

The peaches are
from Carlos' bodega!

Gracias, Carlos!

We are gonna have
such a good time

being downtown girls.

Oh, no.