The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 12 - The Lasagna You Deserve - full transcript

Back in the '80s, I loved

"The Greatest American Hero,"
in which an encounter

with aliens causes
school teacher Ralph Hinkley

to reluctantly lead
a double life.

What a perfectly realized
premise!

Of all the people
to get superpowers,

a mild-mannered guy!

Maybe his ordinariness
is his superpower.

Either way, these are
definitely questions

the show wants us
to be asking.

Of course, in my world,
there was only one curly blond,



- garishly costumed superhero.
- We're closing.

My beautiful boy needs
a pair of acid-washed jeans,

and he needs them
right now.

I have demands.

You're gonna give Erica
a solo, or it's your ass.

Nothing
could stop her from getting what

she and her family
sort of deserved.

Change the grade.
Change the grade.

Change the grade.

Change the...
Oh, that's nice.

Unfortunately,
I hadn't inherited

my mom's superpower
of being super-pushy.

I wanted to rent
Lethal Weapon,

but you accidentally gave me
Lethal Seduction.



Welcome to adulthood.

I was hoping
I could get a refund?

- No.
- Okey-doke.

- Unacceptable!
- Everyone's in trouble!

Erica and Barry,
on the other hand,

welcomed all kinds
of conflict.

This is what's gonna happen.
We're getting 10 free rentals.

And that life-size
cardboard cutout

of offbeat hunk
Judd Nelson.

You know what?
Make it two Judd Nelsons

and... all the Haagen-Dazs
in the freezer.

I can't do that.

Mr. West Coast Video?

You're about to be
super upset!

Fine. If you just leave,
you can have everything.

Adam, grab our Judds.

Sorry, Nolan.
For your trouble.

Yep, unlike my siblings,

the last thing I wanted
was any confrontation.

Oh, man! Lasagna.

Even more delicious layers
than a Nora Ephron script.

The love of lasagna's
the one thing Garfield gets right.

- Hit me, Helen.
- Gimme a sec.

It's the last piece
on the tray,

and she's fighting me.

Oh, yeah.

Um, if it's no trouble,

I'd rather have a nice, steamy
piece from that new tray.

And I'd rather have
10 toes

that all point
in the same direction.

God hates us both,
I guess.

Good luck with
your podiatry issues.

I love lasagne.

Adam, what did you get?

Is that a charred
baseball glove?

That was left
on a desert highway

where it was pummeled
by a convoy?

I get it!

My lasagne doesn't
look like yours.

Mmm! Beefy goodness.
Golden perfection.

Good for you! And why
are you guys even here?

I don't have class
on Tuesdays,

so I come here
for Jenkintown's

best kept secret,
high school lasagne.

I do have class
on Tuesdays,

but for the first time ever,
Barry is correct.

What the hell's this?

Adam, why is most
of your family here?

I am the Quaker Warden.

It's a ceremonial position

with unlimited power.

For example,
my fully grown children

are able to come here and eat
whatever they want.

Schmoopie, go up and get

a new piece of lasagne
that's as delicious as you are.

Ma, I just don't want
to bother Helen.

She's having a bad day.
And life.

Ow!

The little, crusty barbs
don't soften in the mouth!

I know the Heimlich!
No, Barry. I'm not choking.

- No, I wouldn't...
- No. Barry...

You can expect some
broken ribs!

♪♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say
*THE GOLDBERGS* Season 08 Episode 12

Episode Title: "The Lasagna You Deserve"
Aired on: February 24, 2021

♪♪ I don't know the future

♪♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day

It was
February 24th, 1980-something,

and my dad and Vic
were having

a deep, meaningful
conversation.

What do you got between
your bread today, man?

I don't care.

And that
scintillating back-and-forth

- was pretty much their lunch every day...
- Hey, guys!

...until
Formica Mike joined the team.

What do you say you guys
put down those sad sammies,

we head over
to China Garden?

Well, I've been trying
to get Murray over there

ever since they opened, but,
but he says it's too far.

It's three blocks away!

We're saying the same thing.

Aw, come on, Mur.

My periodontist
says it's great.

They got pandas

all over the wall!

I'll pull
the Fleetwood around.

Let's eat, Mur.

Yeah, I'd like to,
but, unfortunately,

I pulled the footrest out
on this La-Z-Boy.

But you clearly haven't.

My mistake.

But it turns out
Vic and Formica Mike

shared more than
moo sh...

Oh! You missed it, Mur.

Look at the length
of this egg roll.

Is this an elephant's trunk
or what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, big food.
Where's Vic?

Gave him the rest of the day off.
He needed some Vic time.

Vic time? Why?

Well, it's that
daughter of his.

- Little Vicky?
- Asha.

- What is she? About 7 now?
- Seventeen.

You didn't let me finish.
Teen.

Yeah, she's going off to college,
and he's just...

He's having a hard time
knowing that his,

his little girl's
leaving forever.

I'm just surprised that
you're telling me and not Vic.

I think this is less about

my relationship with Vic
and more about yours.

Look, Pete Rose could hit
a double with this thing!

Boom!

As my dad realized
Vic was a mystery to him,

I had no clue what my mom
was about to hit me with.

Adam, I'm concerned.

Gah! My body's bigger,
so I need longer showers!

It's just math.

I have failed you.

You are a sweet,
kind, patient boy,

and I have no one
but myself to blame.

What are you saying?

I think your mom's implying
you're a doormat.

- Ding-ding-ding!
- After your sad lasagne incident,

I realized I'm not
always gonna be there

to fight your fights
for you.

There's gonna be hours,
sometimes entire afternoons

where you're all alone.

We have very different
visions of my future.

Every Goldberg child
must learn to fend for himself.

The world's job is
to bend

and often break
to my will.

You have to take what's yours,
and also what's not.

It's time to teach my coddled baby
not to be a pushover.

Or we could all

just leave the gentle,
kind-hearted child alone.

No! Here are some phrases
you'll need.

"I'd like to speak
to your manager,"

"The sign says 'closed, '
but the light is on,"

and, "You can't prove this
wasn't on the sale rack."

Those seem
pretty horrible.

Now you're getting it!

And don't be afraid
to use

the environment
around you.

Stomp, toss stuff,

knock things over.

I like to swing
my emotions around.

One moment,
I'm gently pleading.

The next, I'm on the ground
crying and kicking security.

Practice scenario.

You're in a clothing store,
and Barry is the owner.

Not clothing.
It's a BMX store

owned by my character,
Spokes Driscoll,

but my real dream
is to overcome the issues

that got me kicked off
the circuit.

You're gonna give him
that long of a creative leash?

It adds color.

Now, you are returning
a BMX-icle that you've used

for six years,
and you want a full refund.

Go.

Ugh! Fine.

Excuse me.
Mr. Driscoll?

Name's Spokes.
And we're closed.

Well, when are you open?

For one second a day.

What? That just seems
like a bad business plan!

No one criticizes

Spokes Driscoll's
business acumen!

Do you even know
1who I am?

A loose cannon named
Spokes Driscoll?

He got it in one.

Now to crank up
the difficulty,

Erica has cut
in front of you.

I thought
the place was closed.

Come any closer,
and I'll mace you, perv!

- I was just standing here!
- Hey!

Local deviant.

Are you bothering
this nice lady?

Spokes' Pool Tables and Bikes
might be closed,

but I'm open
to kicking your butt.

You sell
pool tables now, too?

Excuse me. Are you the owner
of that AMC Pacer out front?

Oh, please say I'm not.
You are.

I'm attractive local meter
maid Isabella Bianco,

and I'm gonna haul that pile
of junk to the impound lot

if you don't pay my bribe,
a thousand kissies.

Ah.

The Italian meter maid
wants to nuzzle me?

Am I the only one
losing the thread?

Mmm. Try to follow this.
The police are on their way,

and you messed with the wrong
lady buying a pool table!

Whoo-whoo!
Whoo-whoo!

No! Maybe I should
come back tomorrow?

No. Tomorrow,
we're closed forever.

I'm going back
to the circuit!

The BMX tribunal retested
my blood. I'm clean, baby.

Good for you, Barry.

I feel like Spokes
really needed a win.

And, scene!

Oh! Chills.

Adam, how do you think
you did?

Uh, pretty decent,
given the situation.

You did crap.

You really did.
You suck, bro.

- Well, you know what?
- all of you!

That's right! all of you
and your dumb faces!

And that, my Schmoo,

is a great first step
in finding your voice!

- Oh, my gosh!
- Yeah.

- Let's have ice cream.
- Whoo!

While I was finding my way,

my dad was still
feeling a bit lost.

Mur, you've barely touched
your third helping of tater bombs.

What's wrong?

If you had something going on,
you'd tell me about it, right?

Depends. Is there anybody else
in the world? - I'm being serious.

Mur, I love you
like a tick loves a hound,

but a listener
you are not.

There are things
you haven't told me?

- So many.
- Like what?

I hold two boomerang
world records.

I was an Admiral
in the Coast Guard.

Last year, I found a third nipple
on my shoulder.

I love birds.

They can fly!

That's God's best
magic trick.

Well, you could've told me.
Not that nonsense about

the third nipple,
but, you know, about birds.

I love fried chicken.

I've tried, but the moment
I start sharing

is the moment
you stop caring.

Not anymore. From now on,
I'm gonna be there for my friend.

Music to my ears.

Tomorrow, I'm having
an elective procedure on my shoulder.

- Where you going?
- I'm gonna go be there

- for my friend Vic.
- I just told you.

Hey, Vic.
Any, uh, emotional stuff

you want to get off your chest
about your kid

or is everything okay
and I can be on my way?

What's happening now?

I just wanted to know
if you wanted to talk.

You know, you and me talking.
But if... Either/or.

You talk, not talk.
It's good with me.

Hey, Vic. What do you say
we go over to Mahmoud's

for some fattoush?

I don't know what it is,

but they say
it's the best in the city.

Oh, wonderful.
The culinary trip continues.

Great!
Mur, what do you say?

Nah, I'm good.
I'm good.

You guys seem to
have it down.

- Have a good time.
- It's your loss, because

the falafel, they're
as big as volleyballs!

You don't dip them
in the hummus. You spike 'em!

Come on, let's go!

While my dad
couldn't connect with Vic,

I was trying to connect
with my inner Beverly.

You have it in you to get
the lasagne you deserve.

Now make your mama proud.

Hello, Helen.
I'd like some lasagne.

From the middle, please.

Sorry. Middle's
for the pretty people.

In that moment, I decided

I wasn't going to be
a doormat forever.

So I dug deep
and deployed

one of my mom's
favorite phrases.

I'd like to speak
to your manager.

Is there a problem,
Mr. Goldberg?

There is,
Principal Ball.

I eat here every day,
and, consistently,

Helen serves me
the lasagne dregs.

I appreciate you
pointing that out.

Rest assured I will do nothing
about it.

Then I will.

Dave Kim, are you still
on the school paper?

Yes. I have a weekly
humor column.

It's a sardonic look at high
school called "Kim's Whims."

Everyone hates it.

So you could write
a scathing expose about

how this institution
discriminates against students

of the nerd variety?

Negative press?

I've seen the movies.
Nerds are vengeful.

And, Brea!
You're popular, yes?

I'm not lacking
in social capital.

So you could tell the cool
kids to eat somewhere else?

Where the cool kids go,
everyone goes!

Oh, sir, please, no.
We value your business.

Then earn it, or I'll make
a scene so insane,

it'll make Beverly Goldberg
seem reasonable!

Get this fine gentleman
two center-cut pieces.

Yes!

Sorry for the
inconvenience, sir.

Next time,
ask for me by name. Earl.

Oh...

Did I get a good piece?

I blacked out there
for a while.

Schmoo, you got
the best piece.

And even better than that,
you got my powers!

My dad realized
he needed to be a better friend to Vic,

so he turned to an expert
on the subject.

Hey, Mr. G.
Don't mind me.

I'm just waiting for
the ol' ball and chain,

a.k.a. your daughter.
I struggle with small talk.

But you're good
with big talk, right?

Well, if you mean
compassion and understanding,

then, yeah,
I'm your fella.

Cop a squat.
Come on.

Wow. Is this an overture
of friendship?

You know, I always pictured us
on a horseback trail ride

or building a log cabin together,
but I'll take it.

Yes, horses and logs.

What does it take
to be a good friend?

Well, there's more
than one thing.

This is becoming a hassle.

The first step
is listening.

All right.
Hit me with your first step!

I just did, but here's a
technique that might also help.

- Uh, echoing.
- Echoing?

See? You're a natural.

Why are you making this
so difficult?

Pretend
we're best bros.

That's a big ask,
but let's do it.

Share something
that troubles you.

- Nope.
- Off to a slow start.

But here's another sure-fire tip
to make someone know you care.

Give the perfect gift.

Listening and giving gifts.

What are we married?

Ugh!

The worst day ever!

I'm listening, Bar. Tell your
amigo Geoff what's wrong.

Nobody signed my petition

to make nunchucking
an Olympic sport!

Now I'll have to win gold at
something dumb, like swimming.

So nobody signed
your petition,

and now your only Olympic hope
is dumb swimming.

You get it.

My dismay is subsiding 'cause
I feel super heard right now.

Maybe this will also help.

"Hang in There!"?

I saw it and thought of you.

'Cause I'm like
the jacked kitten

whose perseverance will
inevitably be rewarded!

Thanks, Geoff!
You're a great friend.

And that's how it's done.

As my dad was
buying into Geoff's advice,

my new powers of being
impossibly difficult

had made me
unstoppable.

I'm sorry.
I was next.

Congratulations.
You're still next.

I picked my movie from
the "Staff Picks" section.

Tell Brad P. From Allentown
to get his eyes and ears checked,

'cause this movie sucks!

Sure, it took
a while for me to find my voice,

but I was finally a nightmare.

Goldberg! What the hell
are you doing?

Just taking a load off
at my new desk.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's mine.

That's where I keep
my papers and my gum.

Not anymore, unless you want
me to speak to your manager.

Oh, Earl!

Hi.

It seems that young Goldberg
has learned how to harness

his disgruntlement
much like his mother.

So let the boy sit
where he wants.

- Smart choice.
- Damn it!

Yep, for better or worse,
I had all my mom's powers,

and it was awesome!

- 'Sup, fools?
- A phone without wires?

More like a future
without limits!

And why do you have it,
exactly?

The Radio Shack manager
gave it to me

to stop threatening
legal action when they kept me

waiting in line to buy
batteries. Nice, huh?

Actually, that's
kinda gross, Adam.

I miss the old version of you,
the spineless guy who was weak

and unintimidating
and barely landed Brea.

He has a good point.

Just a sec.

Go for Goldie.

Forget 'em.
They can't grasp our powers.

You'll lose many important
relationships along the way.

Like my girlfriend
and best pal?

Just a sec.

You got Gold.

It's a small price to pay
for always

getting what
you're entitled to.

Didn't you guys graduate
like three years ago?

Come on, Adam.
Leave these phoneless drips, okay?

We're gonna go enjoy spoils
of your newfound powers.

Wow! I have a feeling
these cellphones

are gonna change people
for the better.

While Barry and Erica
kept me on the path to being pushy,

my dad was ready to pull out

some of Geoff's
signature moves.

So, Vic,
what you got happenin'?

First, there was listening.

Do I have bok choy
in my 'stache or something?

I'm just listening,
like I always do.

We were chatting about
father-daughter stuff.

Then he echoed.

Chattin' about
father-daughter stuff.

That's what I just said.

Yeah, yeah, that's
what you just said.

Why are you repeating
everything I say?

Why am I repeating
everything you say?

I don't know, and it's making
me wildly uncomfortable.

When none
of that worked, he gifted.

You know, when my kids
went off to college,

someone gave me
a Penn sweatshirt,

and I want to do
the same for you.

What is this?
MIKE Arizona State!

Nice! America's
number-one party school.

But Asha's
going to Dartmouth.

Swing and a miss.

Those two institutions
are not alike.

And I'm the one who gave you
the Penn sweatshirt.

Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure!

Vic, I'm trying here.

Oh, you're trying?

What's my daughter's name?

Mmm-hmm. Exactly.

And where's she going
to college?

Oh, come on! We just
said it! You got this, Mur!

It starts with a "Z."

No school
starts with "Z"!

This is why I don't
tell you anything, Mur,

because you don't listen!

And what's worse,

you can't even
pretend to care.

It was Dartmouth.
It's a good school.

You know,
Dr. Seuss went there.

Turns out
communication was my dad's kryptonite

but my superpower
had no weakness.

- Except this.
- Oh, no.

An adult leaving their workplace
with a box of personal effects?

Movies and TV have taught me
that can only mean one thing.

Yeah, they canned me.

Hope you liked your
"edible lasagne."

I did, but not like this.
I'll fix this.

Poopy, what's wrong?
You're all flustered and worked up.

Wait.
Is this a prom-posal?

Are we going?
Is this happening?

What? Never!

Your loss.
You'll never see the dress

I picked out
that matches your eyes.

Enough!
They fired Helen.

- Oh, that's a shame.
- That's it?

A full-grown lady lost her
livelihood because of me.

Not because of you.
She wasn't doing her job well.

It's terrible,
but it happens.

You know, I used to think
you were like Ralph Hinkley.

The guy that shot Reagan?
No!

The Greatest American Hero!

Well, I've never seen it.
You know what is a good show?

"Unsolved Mysteries"
with Robert Stack.

You know what else
is a mystery?

Why I thought
behaving like you was okay.

Principal Ball
had fired Helen because of me.

There was no way
I could let that stand.

Mr. Goldberg. Are you finding
everything to your liking today?

I'm not.
It's about Helen.

I fired her.
Was that not good enough?

I'd be very happy to do it
again in front of more people

if it would please you.

Opposite. I'm humbly
asking you to hire her back.

I was the one
who was out of line.

Her only mistake
was permanent crankiness.

That and the 17 unexplained
absences this semester.

- Really?
- I'm a heavy sleeper.

Well, no one's perfect.

Helen certainly isn't.

She also stole many food items
from the cafeteria.

You can't prove
I was the one who swiped

14 gallons of liquid cheese
to throw a nacho party

for some sailors
on leave.

What a long
and oddly specific denial.

And there was the unauthorized
use of our cafeteria

during Winter Break for a
three-day "pajama-jammy-jam."

For God's sake, Helen!

I told you,
I'm a heavy drinker.

You said "sleeper"!

It's all connected.

Petty criminal or not,
Helen's a fixture here.

She used to slip me
extra pizza

when I got anxious
in kindergarten.

Sure, they were lousy corner
pieces, but once in a while,

a pepperoni would
find its way on top.

So, if you could,
just please give her

whatever number chance
this would be.

That was a very impassioned
defense of her character,

despite all the evidence
to the contrary.

I try to see
the good in people.

As head of a Quaker school,

I guess that's something
we should all strive for.

Helen, welcome back.

We did it!
Not so fast.

I'd like a raise.
No!

Whatever.
I'll get mine.

Still kind of a win.

With that, I
learned to use my powers for good.

But I wasn't the only one
trying to right a wrong.

I, uh, just want
to say that, uh,

I'm sorry for not being there
for you and what not.

It's okay, Murray.
It is what it is.

Again, my dad came up short.

But then, instead of following
everyone else's advice,

he followed his heart.

Naps.

Naps?
What are you talking about?

When Barry and Erica
went off to college,

I missed them terribly.

- I didn't know that, Murray.
- Yeah.

And whenever I felt
really bad,

- I'd go take a nap in one of their rooms.
- Really?

I don't know if it was
picturing them or the memories,

but when I woke up,
felt great.

Wow.

I'm gonna try that.

Works every time.

Well, thanks, Murray.
That means a lot.

Look, I know I'm not good
with feelings or saying stuff,

but, uh, I want you to know
you mean a lot to me.

Oh, Murray, you,
you big, beautiful man, you.

- Get on in here.
- No, no. Don't do that.

- Oh...
- That's not what I... oh.

- Hey.
- Hey to you.

Look, I never should have
said those things.

It's okay.
I know who I am.

But, more importantly,
I know who you are.

A sweet, kind-hearted kid

who always sees
the best in people.

You're not upset that I don't
want to stand up for myself

- like you do?
- Adam, I was wrong.

You being polite and
accommodating is not a weakness.

It's your
greatest strength.

Caring, compassion,
kindness,

those are
your superpowers.

I wouldn't go that far.

I saw what you did for Helen.
That was pretty heroic.

Thanks.
But it was probably a mistake.

She's not great.

Well, maybe not.
But you are.

♪♪ Believe it or not I'm walking on air

That day,
I learned that maybe the best way

to stand up for yourself
is by just being yourself.

- ♪♪ Flyin' away on a wing and a praye r
- 'Cause the truth is,

listening, opening up,
and doing the right thing,

those are the superpowers
we all have.

♪♪ Believe it or not

- ♪♪ It's just me...
- The trick is having the courage

to know when to use them.

In the end,
the greatest heroes

are the ones who will be there
for you, no matter what.

Subtitles:
Synchronized by srjanapala

I hope he's not using
your prom tape!

- Oh, he is.
- Are you using my side?

Where's the tape
of his prom? It's in the den.

- I want it in the camera.
- Come on. Boom.

Mike, stop!

Would you... Please?

Scenario!
Spokes Driscoll has ventured

into the lucrative world of
professional trampolining.

I'm not doing this.

It combines the acrobatics
of men's gymnastics

with the whimsy
of jumping on a bed.

Just get on with it.

You want to buy
the Spring-atron 5000 from me

at the price of the much
crappier Spring-atron 4000.

Go!

- May I please...
- Never.

Now try to get me to honor

a competitor's coupon

for 99% off.

It doesn't seem likely, but...

Never! Now ask
to see the manager.

- Are you the...
- Never!

You know what?
Keep the trampoline. I'm leaving.

We value your business.

Aha!