The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 13 - Mr. Ships Ahoy - full transcript

Beverly is thrilled to have co-workers for the first time and sets out to make them all love her; Geoff competes in a beauty pageant to prove to Erica that he can be seen as desirable by other women.

Back in the '80s,
the economy was booming,

Americans were heading
into the office.

No one was more into working
9:00 to 5:00 than my mom.

♪ Tumble out of bed
and I stumble to the kitchen

♪ Pour myself a cup of ambition

♪ And yawn and stretch
and try to come to life

♪ Jump in the shower
and the blood starts pumping

♪ Out on the street,
the traffic starts jumping

♪ With folks like me
on the job from 9 to 5

♪ Working 9 to 5,
what a way to make a living

♪ Barely getting by, it's all
taking and no giving

♪ They just use your mind,
and they never give you credit

♪ It's enough to drive you
crazy if you let it ♪

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, I'm just exercising
my right as an American

to complain about the rat race,

the grind, the old 9:00 to 5:00.

But secret story... I love it.

But we're a school.
We start at 8:00.

But the Dolly Parton song...

Look, no one loves
the Smoky Mountain Songbird

more than I do,

but that Backwoods Barbie
has no bearing on our hours.

My coworkers/best buds

will share a chuckle about
our overbearing boss.

You're a joke.

Unfortunately, this wasn't
a workplace big on chuckles.

Good morning.

Good morning?

I haven't even
taken my jacket off yet

and this one
wants to argue with me.

Who's ready to take on the day?

Not me. I am hung over.

Are cafeteria staff allowed
to be in the teachers' lounge?

I gotta do my stretches

- Ow.
- And who are you?

I don't recognize your face
from yelling in it.

I'm Miss Hooper, Andrea.

It's my first year teaching,

so I'm just quietly
going with the flow.

- Do you have my Adam?
- No.

Good. You're a child.
You'll teach him nothing.

Mr. Glascott,
you're usually chipper.

- What's got you down?
- Oh, I'm not down.

I'm just having
a contemplative moment
about turning 55,

the same age as the speed
I won't exceed.

It's your birthday?
Well, how are we celebrating?

This yogurt I'm eating
has his name on it.

Your parents did it in April.

- Nice.
- Come on.

We've got to bake a cake,

call a school assembly
so the kids can sing to him.

This man is your best friend.

Best friend? Where'd you
get that horrible notion?

Murphy Brown Designing Women.

Cheers. Mary Tyler Moore.

Yeah, those are all fun,
but that's a bunch of hooey.

My best friend is
my knee medication.

He knows what I like.

Beverly, while I do appreciate
your unwanted passion,

we don't do that stuff
around here.

Coworkers are
supposed to be close.

Well, we like to keep it
professional around here.

Dang it! Someone ate my bagel!

Happy birthday!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was March 3rd,

and my brother, Barry,
was feeling frustrated

with his college identity.

I still haven't
found my thing here,

and I've tried everything.

Sports, campus radio,
mock trial.

Did you know that's not about

making fun of people
who were on trial?

What exactly
are you looking for?

I'm only asking so
I don't accidentally
join the same group.

I need something
that helps me stand out.

I was the king
of our high school,

but here I'm just
another Geoff in the crowd.

What a wildly hurtful thing
to say out loud,

but I think I found it?

And "it" was a very
specific sorority beauty competition.

Excuse me,
attractive stranger,
your sign's mistaken.

That should say Miss Ships Ahoy.

Pageants are for the gals.

Not a mistake.

This is my sorority's
male beauty pageant.

Every year, we crown
a new Mr. Ships Ahoy

based on our core values,

integrity, decency,
and hotness when wet.

I love Chips Ahoy!
That's gotta matter.

Tell the other contestants
you have your champion.

Just make an audition tape

saying why you should be
Mr. Ships Ahoy,

and finalists compete
onstage next week.

Geoff, thank God
-you're not a pageant guy.
-What does that mean?

You know, just cool, strong,
"I'm in a pageant" guy.

I'm cool and strong.

Of course you are, just not
in the traditional way,

and I love that.

Doesn't sound like
you love that.

Barry, help me out here.

She's saying you're a six.

No, I'm saying you're a 10.
To me.

So you don't think I could win?

I don't think Barry
could win either.

Can and will.

You'll be eating those words

when I'm glistening wet
in my sash and man tiara.

Unless I'm wearing
that sash and tiara.

And maybe some roses.

I don't really know
how it works.

But I'm gonna compete,
and I'm gonna win.

Second place.

First is already spoken for.

By moi.

I had a very specific fantasy

when I signed up
to chair this event.

This is not it.

While Barry and Geoff
prepared for a win,

my mom was at a loss about how
to connect with her coworkers.

I don't get it.

I have tried everything
to bond with these dopes.

Cakes. Parms. Parmed cakes.

Nothing works.

And I'm pretty sure
they're using bird calls

to warn each other I'm coming.

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
Bird noise alert!

Oh, hell no!

And it's nothing like
the workplaces on TV.

Where are my instant
friendship and hilarious

Has it ever occurred to you

that you've been terrifying
these people on my behalf

- for a decade?
- Please.

When have I ever terrified them?

Are you a idiot?

- Are you?
- Whoa!

I give you an F.

I'm just saying, I think
they need time to adjust.

How about you just
leave them alone?

You're right.
I should mix in more.

That's the opposite
of what I said!

Cluck-cluck! Cluck-cluck!

I'm sorry. I was supposed
to be watching the door.

I brought coffee.

I noticed the machine
was broken,

like almost everything else
in here.

We get a lot of
student break-ins.

They keep putting jelly
in my coat pockets,

so I'm thinking that
might be a gang thing.

Andrea, French Vanilla Cafe?

A grown-up offering me coffee?

I would be a fool to say no.

Eh, eh, eh, eh.

That coffee comes at a cost.

Okay, I'm just gonna
come right out and ask.

Do you people have
a problem with me

because of my past
as a pushy parent?

Well, to put it gently...

You're a damn monster!

You haunt my dreams,
and now you haunt my work!

Listen, I get it.

I was a tough cookie,

but that was for my schmoopies.

I'm one of you now.

We can complain
about kids together.

Okay, well, I hear Adam's
been struggling with math.

You shut your mouth!

Ahhh! Old habits.

Listen, why don't you all
come to my house this weekend

for some teacher bonding?

No can do.

Got jerky in the dehydrator.

I've got a quiet weekend
reconnecting with
an old friend.


And I have a date.

It's my first in four years,
so I'm super excited.

Well, you don't anymore.
Cancel it all.

I'm Quaker Warden,

and now this party
is a mandatory
friendship gathering.

She can't do that, can she?

Sadly, according to
the ancient parchments,
she can.

Yay! We're forcibly gathering!

Next stop, friendship!

While my mom was making inroads,

Barry was gonna help Geoff
blaze a new trail of his own.

Good news, Geoff!

I and the second-hottest
member of the JTP

are gonna help shoot
your beauty pageant video.

Bar, shouldn't you be
working on your own video?

Done. I cut together
the highlights

from my American Gladiator

They not-so-politely declined.

And then they were canceled.

Why would you even help me?
Aren't we competitors?

I'm gonna win by
an embarrassing margin,

but I can help you come
in a distant second.

So, what have you got so far?

Guess I was just gonna
talk about my interests,

my hobbies,
maybe throw out a coy wink.


Women want danger and agility,

like a man
out of a bush.

Being upside-down
makes me throw up.

Let's start from scratch.

Imagine Geoff is
a naked, faceless mannequin.

-Please don't.
-What would you put
on that mannequin

to make it a cool, rugged man?

And so the JTP set out to
brainstorm what makes a man.

- A cowboy hat.
- Uh, youthful optimism?

Leather pants and work gloves.

What about a bullwhip?

And he puts out cigars
with the bullwhip,

and then he says
cool things like,

"Smoking kills, and so do I."

And a scar!
But not from whipping.

From making love on a cliff.

And a suede vest
with lots of fringe.

And he smells like the woods.

How do we film a smell?

We'll just cover you
in pine cones and tree sap.

Soon, Geoff had
his audition video...

Faster. Faster.

Not masculine enough.
Do push-ups.

...or Barry's idea
of an audition video.

Ow! Is this really necessary?

Silence! You're what
every woman wants!

But it wasn't. It really wasn't.

What are you doing?

No one can see this!

But that's my ticket
to winning Mr. Ships Ahoy!

It's your ticket to humiliation!

Erica, why won't you
believe in me?

I do, but this isn't you.

Geoff, you're sweet
and reliable
and don't whip things.

You'll get crushed
if you submit this.

Damn it, you're right.

Okay. Whew.

Sorry, love you!
Gotta prove I can do this!

As Geoff was ignoring
Erica's advice,

I was learning my mom
didn't take mine.

You invited the teachers
to my house? Where I sleep?

That's all because you told me
to reach out to them.

I said to leave them alone!

Then it's lucky I misheard you.

Mom, there are certain things
you just don't do.

Poop at school.
Hold hands with your sister.

And invite teachers
to a civilian residence.

Murray, would you hold hands
with your sister?

Don't have a sister.

- But if you did.
- Nah. We're not close.

Anyway, they're coming,

and I'm hours away from
a workplace of best friends.

Or a massive fight with
the people who are in
charge of my grades.

Bevy, why are you
trying so hard?

I thought you wanted to
become a teacher

to get close to the boy?

That's how it started,

but Adam's not gonna
be here forever.

These people will,

and they can help fill the
child-shaped hole in my heart.

My besties are here!

You came! Oh.

And all together, because
the bonds are already growing.

We carpooled so no one
would get here first.

And so we could pre-game.

Right, my big -hunk of yum? -Ay!

And I made cookies.

I was gonna bring
a bottle of wine,

but do you know how many
wines there are?

Welp, it was great
catching up, so, uh...

Wait a second.
You just got here.

Yeah, but traffic. Appointment.

Burst appendix.

Any of these landing, or...

Listen, I know we have
a lot of ice to break,

and I'm not gonna make you
talk to me all day.

I'm gonna make you race me.

What in French-fry hell is this?


Field day's not just
for students anymore!

Oh, no. The only thing
I'm racing is to the door.


As Quaker Warden,
I do have the authority

to grant the winner the day off.

Damn it!

You found my two weaknesses,

my need to dominate
and my desire
to get paid for nothing.

Let the games begin!

On your mark, get set, fun!

My mom hoped the experience

would pull
her coworkers together,

but instead,
it just pulled them apart.

I'm thinking maybe we should
rebalance these teams.

No, we got this, girls.
Let's tug.

Whoop! I'm flying!

And just when they thought

the day couldn't get
any more twisted...

Left foot red. did.

Left foot red. Left foot red!

Do you think if i could
tell my right from my left,

I'd be a lunch lady?

You're all out!

And when it was over,
the teachers had bonded

about being in pain.

Wasn't today the best?

You mean the worst!

I separated my shoulder
during that trust fall!

Thanks a lot, Perott!

Usually people give
some sort of verbal cue

when they're falling backwards
on their head.

Here's a verbal cue, suck it!

You think you took a beating?

I will never be able to

get the grass stains
out of these khakis!

Can we go immediately
to the hospital?

My retina's not reattaching
like you said it would.

Give it time.

Well, since we're wrapping up,

looks like the winner
is Coach Nick.

It was inevitable, but still
feels pretty special.

- Meow.
- Stop!

But all won the grand prize...
a lifetime of friendship!

Oh, great.

Wait, are you suggesting

that after today's
bonding experience,

we are not a tight-knit
group of coworkers

like the barkeeps on Cheers?

Just wanted to clarify
I wasn't a part of this.

See you Monday.

Teachers are heroes
and aren't paid enough.

Ugh, you gotta be kidding me.

Geoff and Barry had submitted
their audition tapes

for the Mr. Ships Ahoy pageant.

It was time to
announce the finalists.

- Good luck, Bar.
- Eh, don't need it.

I'm here to announce
our five finalists.

Who are also the only five
to send in tapes.

Yes! I did it! I won!

Well, actually,
you're just a finalist.

Yes! I'm just a finalist!

Ladies, your
Mr. Ships Ahoy finalists.

You know what, Bar?

I'm actually really excited
about this thing.

I-I think I could win this.

Until he saw
the stone-cold hunks

he'd be competing against.

Oh, no.
Their arms are
bigger than my legs,

and their legs have muscles
on them I didn't
even know existed.

That's an optical illusion,

Everyone looks bigger up close.

Hey, um...
historically speaking,

do the winners look more like me

or more like
those tall beefcakes?

Check out our wall of winners.

Oh, man. They're all
so smooth and beautiful.

This was such a mistake.

Wait. Albert Solomon?

Hey, that guy looks familiar.

Barry, that's your grandfather,

and he won Mr. Ships Ahoy
with normal, human muscles.

All those boring stories

about being trapped
behind enemy lines,

but nothing about this.

So, tell me, how'd you do it?

How did you win Mr. Ships Ahoy?

When it comes to
wooing the ladies,

some things never change.

But actually, they do. A lot.

Wink at every dame in the room.

When in doubt,
goose the caboose.

Tell them you've ridden
in an airplane.

Spoil them by buying them
a nice pair of nylons.

I think times
and women's rights
have changed a lot,

and also, how do these ideas
make me hotter?

It's not all about muscles.

Anyone can lift
a bag of nickels,

but it takes
a special kind of fella

to cheer up a woman during
wartime rationing.

What do I do if there
isn't a war going on?

Easy. What are you good at?

I won my year with
a dynamite banjo act.

I'm okay at alto sax.

If that's the best you got,
go with that.

As Geoff questioned
his manliness,

Principal Ball
was about to man up.

Quaker Warden!
Just who I was looking for.

Can I have you sign this
without reading it?

Resignation letter?

As a gag.

No, sign that now.
It'll be a hoot.

Why would I resign?

Because you injured
my entire staff,

and I want to stop this
before you kill someone?

Adam! Can you believe this?

They want me to resign!

Welp, it was a good run.

Wait, why are you not as
grievously wounded as I am?

'Cause they don't like you
and they're taking it
out on me!

I had three pop quizzes today,

and no one else in the class
had to take them.

Okay, this weekend
was a rocky start,

but I can still fix it.


Coach Nick made me
varsity quarterback.

I have a game on Friday,

and no one can find
a helmet small enough.

And can't you just fire her?

Sorry, Mom, but you get it.

Unfortunately, I can't.

Our Quaker founders,
in their infinite wisdom,

made the Warden
answerable only to God.

And until I hear Her complain,
I'm not going anywhere.

That's right. God is a woman.

Oh, you think that's
the thing I'm focusing on?

I have to learn
something called
the wishbone offense!

While my mom refused to quit,

the Mr. Ships Ahoy pageant
was just getting started.

And most of that talent
revolved around muscles.

Really big muscles.

When I get up there,
these ladies won't know
what hit them.

Hopefully not these knives.

Wait, what is your talent?

Up next, Barry Goldberg!


I need a volunteer.

Okay, your loss.

Really should have
practiced this.

- Come to wish me luck?
- For sure.

But, you know, you don't

have to do this
if you don't want to.

I'm a finalist and you still
don't believe in me?

Geoff, I always believe in you.

I just don't want you to
pull a Barry

and embarrass yourself trying
to be something you're not.

- That one got away from me!
- Whip it back!

I'm not gonna embarrass myself,

because I'm more desirable
than any of these guys,

and I've got the talent
to prove it.

Up next, Geoff Schwartz!

And so,
Geoff went out to prove
he could be Mr. Ships Ahoy.

And he was actually
pretty great.

Until this happened.

I guess it's not
about the music.

Geoff, I don't know why you care

what these people think of you.

It's not about them.
It's about you.

I want you to see other people
impressed by me.

But why?

'Cause I know you see me
as a nice guy,
and that's great,

but I want to be more than that.

I want to be a catch.

You are a catch.

They don't think so.

Not now, Colton!

While Geoff faced
shirtless competitors,

my mom had one more trick
up her sleeve.

Oh. Teacher surprise!

I made over
the teachers' lounge.

Holy crap! Granola bars!

Protein shakes!

Kitten mugs!

A sink that doesn't scald me.

And check this out.

No more student break-ins.

That's odd. It's locked.

Well, don't you have the code?

Of course I have the code.

It's in my purse... in the car.

Oh, God,
she's trapped us in here

for some new
team-building activity,

but when it goes sour,
we're gonna eat each other

like that soccer plane
in the Andes!

Coach Nick is not on the menu!

Nobody is eating anybody.

It's just a lock.

I just tried to do a nice thing.

- I like this mug.
- Bup!

Mrs. Goldberg, you have been
our worst enemy for a decade.

This teachers' lounge
is mainly
for complaining about you.

I see.

Does everyone feel this way?


Am I interrupting something?

I guess not.

Ooh, granola bars!

The Mr. Ships Ahoy pageant
was still under way,

and it was time for the
contestant interviews.

See, most people eat
the ice cream first,

but I bite the bottom
of the cone

and suck everything out.

The question was,
"Where do you
see yourself in five years?"

And I believe
you have my answer.

Okay, that's enough of that.

Next contestant, Geoff Schwartz.

Good luck. She's tough.

So, Geoff, what makes you
the ideal Mr. Ships Ahoy?

I don't know. Nothing, I guess?

Moving on.

If you were Mr. Ships Ahoy,
what would
your catchphrase be?

Thanks for settling?

- May I?
- Please.

Erica, what are you doing?

I'm asking the questions.

When is my birthday?

August 18th.
Why does that matter?

I'm showing them
why you're the hottest guy
in this contest.

When's our anniversary?

Hand-holding, kissing, dating,

or saying
- "I love you"?
-All four.

November 4th, January 23rd,
February 2nd, June 9th.


And that's when Geoff realized

he did have something
the other contestants didn't.

What's your ideal date?

Any date with you is ideal.


Who's the prettiest girl
in the audience?

What audience?


As Geoff finally
realized his worth,

my mom was feeling worthless.

Why are you eating here

instead of the teachers' lounge?

Because I'm no longer
welcome there.

Or this school.

♪ Jump in the shower and
the blood starts pumping ♪

I'll do what you want.
I'll resign.

You're quitting?

You've never quit anything.
What happened?

What happened is I tried
to make friends
with the teachers,

but they only see me
as the enemy.

Maybe with a little more time...

Adam, it's over.

I guess I fought
so hard for you,

it ended up costing me.

After years of my mom
marching down to the school

to have my back, it was time
to do the same for her.

By going somewhere I'd
never dared to go before.

Ah! Kitty in the lounge!
Meow! Meow!

You guys call me "Kitty"?

We call all students "kitties."

Not that one senior
with the mustache.

I call him something else.

What are you doing
in here, Adam?

I'll tell you what
I'm doing in here...

You suck.

- Excuse you?
- Not okay!

Now you're on
special teams, too!

Fail me if you want,
but you already failed my mom.

We failed her?

I pulled my groin
at her field day!

That's my best feature.

Look, I know she's been
hard on you guys in the past,

but you've never had her
on your side before.

Look what she did
to your lounge.

It is a soothing oasis in
the midst of our
chaotic world.

If there's one thing
you learned about my mom
over the years,

she never gives up.

Give her a chance.

She'll be the best ally
you've ever had.

I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but overhear.

Um, you don't have to
defend me, Adam.

Life is not like TV shows.

Sometimes, coworkers
just don't become friends.

But sometimes, they do.

Adam's right.
We never gave you a shot.

And I hate to admit it,

but your constant badgering
over the years

has made me a better teacher.

And I'm new, so agreeing
with everyone else

seems like my only option.

So... fresh start?

I'd like that.

Beverly Goldberg,
new Quaker Warden.

John Glascott,
guidance counselor.

This is nice.

Yes, it is.

Now get out of the lounge.
It's for teachers only.

♪ ...crazy if you let it ♪

Changing the way
people see us can be a full-time job.

So is changing the way
we see ourselves.

But it isn't hard work
for the people we love

to see who we really are.

At the end of the day,

when we're comfortable
just being ourselves,

there's nothing sweeter.


Great news! I figured out

why my talent
of knife-throwing
went sideways.

'Cause it's a tremendously
difficult skill

that requires a lifetime
of patience, practice,

and a throwing area far away
from people and pets?

I just had the wrong tools.

Whatever you do, don't move.

Barry, listen to me
very closely,

- How about a hatchet?
- No!

- Gardening fork?
- Barry!

- Fishing lure?
- Please!

- Dart? Knitting needles?
- No!

- Pineapple?
- No, no.

- Sharpened pencil?
- Aah!

- This icicle I found?
- No!

- A shark tooth necklace?
- Barry!

Then what?

Maybe this gentle Nerf ball?


Let's go ninja stars.