The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 8, Episode 11 - Quaker Warden - full transcript

Back in the '80s, my mom was
at school as much as I was.

She berated our principal,
terrified our teachers,

and embarrassed us with endless pop-ins.

But I was finally a senior, which meant

our time at William Penn
was winding down...

or so I thought.

Welp, this is my stop.
A fine day to you, madame.

Not so fast, mister.

You have to pay the full fare.

Beep boopity boop.

Okay, that'll be three butterfly
kisses and a head sniff.



You know what? Have at it.

What? You never let me just
have my way with your neck meat.

There's only 68 more drop-offs
till I'm out of this place,

so I figure, why fight it anymore?

Well, a win's a win.

Now, bring that luscious noggin
over to Mama.

What the hell?!

Excuse me. What am I looking at here?

Everybody knows
that I am always in charge

of the annual bake sale.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Who am I? Who are you?

I'm Tim Johanssen's mom, Trish.

I don't need to know your name, trash.



- Trish.
- I said what I said.

Mom, you left the car running
and the door open.

I'm not going anywhere until
these ugly-ass snickerdoodles

are out of my face.

Whoa! Mrs. Goldberg,
these are the new freshman moms.

It's time to pass the torch.

Or I take that torch and I
burn this school to the ground.

Beverly, Adam is a senior now,

and with no other offspring
at William Penn,

that means, hallelujah, your time is up.

Fine, these frumpy cows
can handle the bake sale.

I'll just, uh, organize
the blood drive again.

Well, we're going with
licensed nurses this year.

I never want to have to write
the words "missing blood"

on an insurance form again.

Then I'll grab a yellow vest
and be the crossing guard.

I fear that the parents and faculty

would be too tempted to run you over.

And don't forget all the kids
who can drive.

- Then what about librarian?
- Nope.

- Security guard?
- Nuh-unh.

- Lunch lady?
- We have Doris.

- Brunch lady?
- Not a thing.

- Janitor?
- Also Doris.

Oh, I know, I'll be
a substitute teacher again.

I'm sorry, but all of our
teaching positions

have been filled! Ha-ha!

Boom shakalaka-laka!

- Boom shaka...
- Principal Ball?

- It's happening. I'm having my baby.
- No. No!

No, no! This is terrible timing,
Mrs. Ferguson!

- No!
- When do I start?

Damn it, I prematurely boom shakalaka'd.

Yay!

You want me! You really want me!

No! Don't let her in the building, man!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 10th, 1980-something,

and my dad was still in business

with his furniture enemy.

And as the Formica King warned him...

I'm a difficult partner.

There's my guy.

All right, question.

Who's better-looking... me or me?

I prefer the one that doesn't talk.

Oh, come on, everybody loves
the Formica King.

We don't own a medieval theme
restaurant.

We sell credenzas.

Check it out, Mur.

I'm Sir Vic,
the knight of this round table.

It's an entertainment console,

- but you get it.
- Sadly, I do.

Uh, just set it over there, guys.

- What the hell is this?
- Only the greatest thing ever...

a giant lip couch.

Mur, lip furniture
is au courant right now.

Maybe, but we're not selling it
in my store.

Ah-ah-ah! Our store.

It was the Ottoman Empire first.

Yeah, but then I bought half the empire,

and I turned it into more of a kingdom.

And kingdoms are better than empires.

What are you talking about?

Empires are better than kingdoms.

Empires are sovereign states

controlled by
a single supreme authority.

Yeah, but everybody wants to be a king.

That's true. King me, baby.

Empires control vast territories.

Point for Murray.
The original Ottoman Empire

controlled Europe, Asia,
and Africa for centuries.

- Ha!
- It was, uh, ultimately defeated

by the United Kingdom.

Ha back at ya!

Why don't you know this much
about end tables?

And there you have it. The lips stay.

Long live the king!

While our dad was being conquered,

my senior year was about to be invaded

by another hostile force.

Good morning, class.
My name is Mrs. Goldberg.

And while Mrs. Ferguson is
at home nursing her new baby...

and I saw a picture, he's a chunker...

you all will be nursing
at my bosom of knowledge.

- You have Corbett's attention!
- Great.

So, where did Mrs. Ferguson leave off?

We were watching the last
20 minutes of "Splash."

Why would she show you a mermaid movie?

Mom, it's senior year.

Nothing we do affects
getting into college anymore.

- It's classic senioritis.
- Senioritis?

I want to infect you with a new
disease called learn-a-rhea.

Learn-a-rhea? My brother
got that on spring break.

It was no bueno.

And senioritis
is a high school tradition,

just like Senior Skip Day this Tuesday.

Senior Skip Day?

Oh, hell, no!

No way, José. This lounge
is for teachers only.

I am a teacher, but the time
for lounging is no more.

Mrs. Ferguson has been showing "Splash"!

- That is unacceptable.
- I know!

- I was gonna show "Splash."
- What's that, now?

I guess I could go with "Road House."

Unh-unh, I called "Road House."

I teach Spanish,

and there's nothing more caliente

than a shirtless Patrick Swayze.

Well, I teach chemistry,

and what Swayze and Kelly Lynch have

can't be found in any textbook.

So you've all just been
showing movies in class?

That's right, blondie.

The seniors take their foot
off the gas, and so do we.

So you know about Senior Skip Day?!

- You mean Teacher Ditch Day?
- I'm hitting Jo-Ann Fabrics.

They have wine glasses there
that say, "I'm on Cloud Wine."

I, of course, will be at the golf range

foraging for lost balls.

I can get up to 5 cents
for some of those babies.

The hell you are!

My child's mind will not sit idle

while you two waste your pathetic lives

on wine and balls!

As our mom wouldn't let anyone
take it easy,

our dad was reeling

after another hard day
with Formica Mike.

Hey, Mur!

Dolores sent me to borrow your blender.

She's making melon soup.

'Cause who don't want cold fruit stew?

Whoa. What's wrong with your dad?

I know. Look at him.

I've never seen him
not sit in his chair before.

And he didn't take his pants off.

I don't like this one bit.

Hey, Mur-man, wanna pop on the game?

The kids can watch what they want.

Did aliens snatch his body?

I mean, there's so many
other bodies to choose from,

it makes no sense.

Hey, buddy. Little worried about ya.

For old time's sake, why don't
you kick back in your old chair

and pop off those pants?

I can't talk to you
with your pants on, Mur!

Open up to me! Let's get
those things around your ankles!

Get your hands off me!

I hate Formica Mike.

He's supposed to be a 50-50 partner,

and he never listens to anything I say.

I could tell by your sad, hollow gaze

that this was about a relationship.

I'm not in a relationship
with Formica Mike, moron.

It's a business relationship,

and just like any new relationship,

there's always a lot of kinks
to work out.

Geoff's right. It took us a long time

to establish our dynamic of me being me

and Geoff being the bucket
I dump all my emotions into.

And what works great for us
might not work for you.

The key is communication.

Kid's right. I tell Dolores everything.

Except that I hate her melon soup

and Debra Winger wasn't
my high school girlfriend,

though I think she knows.

Guys, don't bother.
For all his angry bluster,

he's terrible at confrontation.
It's hopeless.

Or hope-stuffed.

Barry, no! Don't just appear
sucking on something

and give your terrible advice.

Is that a foot Popsicle, son?

Also has a gumball inside of it.

Point is, there's only one way
to destroy a Formica kingdom.

You gotta kill the Formica King.

Don't listen to Barry.
Tell the King how you're feeling.

Conquer him with emotional intimacy.

Pick something, Mur!

I can't stand
that your pants are still on!

- Let me just pop off that...
- Leave my pants alone!

I'm gonna go and do
what Erica's beau says.

He's doing my thing! Although
he's yet to learn my name,

so it's kind of a mixed bag for the win.

And so our dad tried his best

to open up to his business partner.

Hey, Mike, I have some feelings that...

Feelings? What are you, my kids
after my first heart attack?

Well, I'd appreciate...

Here's something you'll appreciate!

I got another set
of these babies. Pucker up!

The only thing my dad was ready to kiss

was the Formica King goodbye.

You're gonna help me, uh,

- kill the king.
- Yes!

As my dad and Barry dealt
with a problematic partner,

I wasn't the only one
who had a problem with my mom.

Principal Ball, you wanted to see me?

In fact, I did.

Dale, press play. Show the boy.

Okay. "No Way Out"?!

Yes way in!

Gene Siskel called it an epic thriller

with a plot twist for the ages.

And you're in for a bit
of a plot twist of your own.

Greetings, class.

Kevin Costner turns out
to be a Russian spy. The end.

Now, Mr. Woodburn,
start teaching your students.

You know, your mother
has crossed many lines,

but making us do our jobs
is a bridge too far!

Guys, fire her.

Oh, no, you can't just fire
Beverly Goldberg.

Yeah, it takes a lot
to fire a teacher. Trust me.

She's a blonde whack-a-mole.

She'll just pop right back up
somewhere else.

Just find her a job
outside the classroom

with no real authority.

There's nothing.

Unless...

Unless what? I'm desperate here, man.

I got the endothermic process
coming up on the syllabus.

I don't know what the [bleep] that is!

I could make her Quaker Warden!

- Quaker what?
- It's an archaic position

in charge of enforcing Quaker values.

It hasn't been filled
in this school for 87 years.

Here is the last one.

The late, great Eunice D. Eunice.

- Is that a scar on her face?
- It's a smile.

But Quaker Warden sounds pretty lofty.

Are you sure you want
to give my mom any power?

Here's the genius of it all...

it can take forever
to get your certification.

She'll be gummed up
in Quaker red tape for so long,

all of us will be long dead
before she gets in.

Death! The final victory!

I don't know. I think she'll see
right through this one.

Whoo-hoo! I'm the Quaker Warden!

Not quite yet. Uh, first,
you have to be ordained

by the Fellowship of Friends
in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.

Oh, that's a bit of a hike.

And then there's
the reading of the parchments

from the three volumes
of the Books of Discipline.

And I would find those...

Library of Congress,
by appointment only.

Wow. Well, that's a difficult
set of hoops to jump through,

so I better get started.

Look out, everybody!

Quaker Warden-elect coming through!

Game. Set. Ball!

At least, that's what we thought,

but Beverly Goldberg always
finds a way to get things done.

Good morrow, William Penn.

Newly certified Quaker Warden
at your service.

But it's only been one day.

The Quaker Fellowship of Friends
was happy to certify me

to get me out of their flat, dull hair.

So what happens now?

First order of business...

no gum, chewing wax, or taffy.

I think I might have screwed up.

You think?

That was a fresh piece of Hubba Bubba.

Aaah.

Principal Ball had tried to
reduce my mom's role at school.

Instead, he gave her unlimited power.

Hands were intended for prayer,
not pockets.

Short pantaloons must be one egg
above the knee. Go change.

Friend Dave Kim, might I suggest

an activity better
for your body and character,

such as a game of Toad in the Middle,

Buttons, Buttons, Buttons,
or Please, Mr. Crocodile?

Those all seem really dated.

Well, look who thinks

he's better than a boy
who lived in 1675.

Get thee to class!

Yep, my mom was drunk
with Quaker Warden power.

Meanwhile, my brother was showing my dad

how to overpower the King.

Welcome to Revenge 101,

a master class
in destroying your enemies.

This is already the greatest
regret of my life.

All comments will be taken
after the presentation.

Just get to it.

Lesson 1... get BUFF.

But that would take
a lifetime of diet and exercise

and a zest for life that your
father clearly doesn't have.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what he said.

No, the "B" is for "Bother."

Sure, teach what you know.

The "U" is for "Undermine."

You need to spread gossip,
gossip, gossip, gossip.

Is he a genius or a halfwit?
I can't tell.

"F" is for "Fibbing."
A gentle lie can work wonders.

Get to the last "F"
so I can go back up to my chair.

And the final "F," of course,
is for "F.L.O.R.F."

Sakes alive! Is that an acronym
within an acronym?

Please, I don't even know
what an acronym is.

All right, I'm pulling the plug on this.

My anger for Formica Mike
clouded my judgment.

So, you'll try talking to him again?

Nah, but I do have a plan to get
rid of those couches for good.

- Come on, Bill, let's go.
- Clear a hole!

Yeah, Bar, we're out, too,

you know, because
this just made us stupider.

While my dad was through
listening to Barry,

we had no choice
but to listen to my mom.

Good morrow, William Penn.

'Tis I, Friend Beverly,
your Quaker Warden,

with a few quick announcements.

You may have noticed
I've instructed lunch lady Doris

to replace all rice pudding
with a nutrient-rich muesli.

Yummy!

Also, Senior Skip Day is canceled.

- What?!
- No Skip Day?!

Dude, you have to do something
about your mom.

This Quaker stuff is out of control.

I know, Dave Kim.

She said if I got one more demerit,

I have to do something
called a "public butter churn."

I know, JC Spink. And I know, Corbett.

- I didn't say anything.
- I know!

Instead, we'll be reinstating
the hallowed tradition

of the Quaker morning meeting.

A time to reflect individually
and as a community.

Self-examination? I don't want to know

what's going on below my surface.

You're a dead man.

He's been my lifelong friend,
but I'll hold his arms.

Guys, nobody has more issues
with my mom than me.

But also no one's better
equipped to handle her.

Fine. You have 33 hours.

Seems like an arbitrary
time frame, but let's do it.

As the clock was ticking,

it was time for my dad's plan
to use Bill as a fake customer.

Hello, strange furniture men.

I'm interested in purchasing a couch,

and I don't know anyone
that works in this store.

I got this, Mur.

Sir, you're gonna buy this beauty.

But that couch is dumb, and I hate it.

Who'd want to sit on a mouth?

Are you familiar with television
bad boy Richard Grieco?

- Grieco's got a mouth couch?
- He does.

I'm suddenly intrigued.

Are you sure? I'd think about that.

Scratch that. I have no interest

in how "21 Jump Street's" Officer Booker

spends his lazy afternoons.

Well, I have something more traditional,

something that a lot of people like.

Unh-unh, not so fast.

Sir, follow me, and park
your keister on this kisser.

I don't think... Wow.

That's a lot more comfort
than I expected.

It's so fun and red.

Well, uh, if you like Mr. Red,

then you'll like
his best friend, Mr. Brown.

Come on over here and check out
this corduroy beauty.

You seem to me like you have
a beautiful woman in your life.

One with gorgeous lips.

Dolores does have
a sensational smoocher.

Wouldn't this piece be a testament

to your beautiful Dolores
and her magnificent lips?

Man, I just came in here

looking for a place
to park in front of the tube,

but you've made this red lip
couch come to life with meaning.

I feel like you came in here
with one couch in mind,

and you should probably stick to that.

Here's what I'm gonna do,

and this is only
because I like you... half-off.

Wow, that's a hell of a bargain!

You want a bargain?!

I'll give you
anything in the store for free

if you just leave now.

Hey, Billy Boy, what are you doing here?

You come to visit Mur?

What? I don't know
anybody that works here.

I'm just a man off the street

who's wildly opposed
to anatomical couches.

Good day.

All right, what's going on here?

I think I got it.

Mur used his buddy
to make you look dumb,

but Bill crumbled under the pressure,

and now Murray feels like the dumb one.

Good for you.

I used an elaborate plan

to tell you how much
I hate these couches,

and suddenly it's good for me?

Please, we're salesmen.

If we ain't lyin', we ain't livin'.

Fine. Well, then here's
something that's not a lie...

I hate these couches, and
I'm not gonna sell them anymore.

Fine. As soon as we sell the 20
I just ordered, then we'll see.

No, no, no, no,
we're supposed to be partners.

Exactly. Even split.

Everything decided together.
But I'm not budging an inch.

Then I will. I quit.

Quit? What are you talking about?

You know what? You never hear
anything that I say,

so now you can have
this whole kingdom to yourself.

Finally, my dad came clean to the King.

As for me, I was ready to tell
my mom she was ruining my life.

Good morrow, Schmoopie.

I've fixed you a hale and hearty
breakfast of salt pork,

hardtack biscuits, and buttermilk.

Yeah, as much as I love
things I can't swallow,

can you please stop
with this Quaker nonsense?

Because of you, we lost Senior Skip Day.

Well, you know what's better
than blowing off school?

Blowing off steam
by expressing your feelings

during a Quaker morning meeting.

You and your friends are gonna love it.

What friends? Everyone hates me
now because of you.

But friendship is
the cornerstone of Quakering.

I'm gonna fix this.

Or she'd make it much, much worse.

Welcome to our first
Quaker morning meeting,

where we will share our thoughts
with openness and honesty.

I'll start. Adam, please stand up.

Show off your perfect face
and well-proportioned frame.

Okay, hey. Unfortunately, I'm Adam.

Now tell the rest of the school
what pieces of [bleep] they are.

Unacceptable.

Okay, you want honesty? Here's some.

I hate your stupid Quaker rules!

I know change is hard,
but soon you'll all come to love

these time-honored,
highly restrictive traditions.

No, we won't. If I can't
make out in the hallway,

in the classroom, or in the gym,
where would I make out?

My car? Oh, yeah.

And if God didn't want me
wearing skirts,

he wouldn't have given me
a smokin'-hot bod.

And how can a turtleneck be too risqué?

I haven't seen my own neck in years!

And we need lacrosse back!

There's no scholarships
for the game of apple catch.

Although I'm sick at it.

But giving up all that stuff

focuses the mind
on what's really important...

friendship, community, family, charity.

Charity?

Here's something for free...

nobody wants you here!

Okay, that's quite enough.

Quite enough of you!

Principal Ball gave you this job
so you'd get lost,

not come back and ruin all our lives!

Please, he made me the Quaker Warden

as a reward for my commitment
to this school over the years.

Right, Friend Ball?

Uh, the boy nailed it.
It was the "get lost" thing.

I see.

I'll save you the trouble.

Really?

No one?

Well, I'm not gonna stop.

Thanks to me, my mother's reign
as Quaker Warden was over,

but the pain of that rejection
was just settling in.

Hey.

I just wanted to say...

No.

You don't have to say anything.

I get it... once again,

Beverly Goldberg
has screwed up your life.

I mean, you did lean into
the Quaker stuff pretty hard.

I know.

This school hasn't just
been a part of your life...

it's been a huge part of mine.

I was so excited about
having a permanent place here

that I kinda went overboard.

Kinda?

I just can't believe
our time here is ending.

It is.

But that's okay.

I mean, everyone graduates,
even parents.

But what's not okay is
you taking away my senior year.

It's supposed to be
the best time of my life.

You gotta let me have it.

Guess the Quakers weren't wrong
about honesty.

You have no idea.

Come with me.

Mr. Woodburn, you taught me a lot

about chemistry,
but even more about being a man.

I love ya, fella.

Y-You have no idea
how much that means to me.

You... You kids are my life.

What the hell is this?

Pure, unadulterated honesty.

And it's beautiful.

Here goes nothing.

Sydney, since second grade,
I've been in love with you.

Say you'll give us a chance.

In that same spirit of honesty,
I have no idea who you are.

It's been incredible.

Except for Dave Kim.
I mean, that was really brutal.

- Oh.
- But for the rest us,

uh, there's just so much
catharsis and relief.

Maybe we've been missing
some of the traditions

that make our school special.

Are you telling me you want me
to stay on as Quaker Warden?

Oh, well... well,
I don't think anyone want...

- I accept. I un-resign.
- I... I don't...

Oh, no. Mom...

Don't worry, Schmoo, I got this.

Attention! Your Quaker Warden
has an important announcement!

Senior Skip Day is back on!

That day, thanks to my mom,

we learned honesty could
bring us all closer together.

Sometimes you just
have to be brave enough

to take the first step.

It's me! Formica Mike!

I already hate whatever this is.

- Thanks for stopping by.
- W-W-W-W-Wait.

I, uh... I got something to say.

- Then say it!
- Well, it's difficult.

How is it difficult? You're
always jabbering on and on,

talking over me,
never listening to a word I say.

It's because I'm insecure.

You're insecure?
You wear a crown all day.

Years ago, I created this persona, okay,

Formica Mike, the King, okay?
And it worked.

W-What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say
that I'm just a schmuck

- with a plastic crown!
- Please.

Why do you think
I wanted to partner with you?

With your business acumen
and my pizzazz,

w-we're unstoppable.

- Except you don't listen to...
- To a word you say?

You... There I go again.

See, that's my problem.

But starting now, I'm gonna be better.

I guess I could do, uh, better, too,

you know, telling you how I feel.

Yeah, it wasn't the best.

But I'll tell you what could be.

You come in tomorrow,

we work this thing out together, okay?
What do you say?

I say I'll see you tomorrow.

There you go! Come on!

Skin on skin, huh?

That's how you solve stuff!

Sometimes we take even our most
cherished relationships

for granted.

Still, it's important to remember

that no matter how close
you are, things change.

And those bonds get tested
again and again.

But with a little heavy lifting
and good communication,

there's no reason

you can't succeed
beyond your wildest dreams.

- Isn't this fun?
- It's certainly red.

Oh, hell, yes!

- Wait, you got one, too?
- Great minds.

What the hell are you gonna do
with two pairs of lips?

Make-out sesh!

Ooh, your lips are so pillowy.

I'm never gonna vacuum under you.

I wanna lay on you all day and read.

- I'm never gonna be okay again.
- Mwah! Mwah!

- Mwah!
- Why?