The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 15 - Episode #6.15 - full transcript

Ah, Valentine's Day. Back in the '80s,

you couldn't just text a
heart emoji to show you cared.

Nope, back then, you had
to make your love known


What'd you get me, Johnny?

Best gift of all, 5'9" of thunder

wrapped in a Rush T-shirt.

That is the hottest way
to say you got me nothing.

I love you, baby.

- Hey, JTP.
- JTP!

Everywhere I turn, I see
canoodling and smooches.

Enough already!

Don't they know I'll never love again?

Just forget about Lainey, all right?

Let the JTP be your Valentine.

It's just not the same.

Oh, yeah? Check it!

A stuffed croc ready to rock.

Dude, you guys just get me!

And that's not all...

A grappling hook and
Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape?

Thanks, guys. I'm
feeling better already.

As for me, my girlfriend, Jackie,

had the best gift of all.

There's my Valentine!

I know we agreed no gifts, but...

Teddy Ruxpin!

Aww, I loved this little guy!

Well, now I think you're
gonna love him even more.

Happy Valentine's Day, Addy!

Don't mean to "em-bear-rass" you,

but you're my honey!

It's Jackie, by the
way. Your girlfriend.

Hope this isn't confusing.

Oh, my God, not at all!

I mean, at first, I was like whaaaa?

But now I'm like awwww!

Teddy Ruxpin makes everything awesome.

Well, just you wait,

'cause I planned an even
awesomer Valentine's week.

It starts off tonight, when we make

the most romantic food of all time.

- Pizza?
- Indeed!

And then Friday is the big night,

when we go to a drive-in movie

to see the most romantic film ever.

- "Twins"!
- You know it!

It's basically our
story! But not at all!


Hey! Don Juan!

We're in the middle of class!

Cupid-Gram for Adam Goldberg.

Jackie, this is too much.

Those aren't from me.

What? But then who...

"To my little schmoopaloo"...

Oh, balls! Stop!

"I know you're all grown up,

but you'll never be too old

to be mama's number-one
mushy-tushed Valentine baby."

But the next sentence says,

"Just kidding, I'm your mom,
and I have clear boundaries."

I'm thinking maybe we
make pizza at my house?

Don't worry.

This year, Valentine's is only about us.

You call that a crust, Jackie?

Did you even work the dough?

Ugh. Watch and learn.

Mom, please! This is supposed
to be a romantic pizza...

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was February 13th, 1980-something,

and my sister was desperately trying

to put the pieces of
her band back together

after losing Lainey.

Whoo! So awesome!

Geoff, please. We all know
there's no band without Lainey.

Yeah. She was the one who
taught me you can read music.

And I was like, "No,
Lainey, you hear music."

And she was like, "No,
you can read it, too."

And I was like, "Whoa."

Oh, come on. You guys
can't just give up now.

How about I help you hold
auditions to replace Lainey?

Hon, it's really sweet how
you're always taking care of me,

but bringing some random person
into the band isn't gonna help.

Let me take care of everything.

I promise, I will bring
in the creme de la creme

of Jenkintown's rich music scene.

I'd like to perform an
original composition I wrote.

♪ I'm comin' with fresh beats ♪

I got one rule, we only play Rush.

I'm the lead singer, and
I take 97% of the profits.

This is a fun, little ditty.

It's 17 minutes long,

and it tells the story
of a boy who lost his rag.

♪ Ohh ♪

All right, so, how does this work?

Wait, aren't you the guy
that stands outside the Wawa

and buys beer for high school kids?

Five for you, one for me.

No, I remember the rule.

I can play lead or rhythm,

as long as there's a
couch for me to crash on.

No offense, but you
should probably leave.

Maybe we should just settle

for the charming, old banjo man.

Don't worry. There's
still one person left.

See, I was putting up a flyer
at the Kremps' flower store,

and I met this dude at the register.

- He's actually their nephew. Pass.
- Lame.

But he's only there helping
for the Valentine's rush.

See, he's from Boston, he writes songs,

and he's actually upstairs right now.

- Evan, they're ready!
- Damn it, Geoff!

I'm not gonna settle

for someone's random,
lame-ass nephew...

Oh, my God!

- Hi.
- Hey.


I heard you're looking for a guitarist.

- Yep.
- Flerfem.

So, here's one that I wrote.

Uh, hope you dig it.


It's called "Mallo Cup."

Neesh pu mish phee!


♪ Here I am, outside
your house at 3:00 a.m. ♪

♪ Tryin' to think you out of bed ♪

♪ I whistle at your sill ♪

♪ Echoes 'cross the street instead ♪

That's the gist.

So, call the flower shop when
you guys decide or whatever.



So, I guess we just go with your grandpa

or the Wawa weirdo?

No! That dude's amazing!

Wait. So I did good?

Good?! You just saved our band!

And you found me my new boyfriend!

I'm so gonna be his biggest regret!

As The Dropouts got the perfect gift,

my mom stumbled on her
own Valentine's present.

Damn it, Murray! I almost
broke my neck on your pants!

What?! Everybody knows my
pants go by the front door.

What have we here?

Oh, stop. Don't look at that.

It's not even Valentine's Day yet.

I bet I know what it is...

A fancy assortment
of Jagielky's Candies!

You loved them for the last 18 years,

so I thought I'd buy 'em again!

"Dear Bevy, you're as sweet as candy."


I wrote it last year, so
I knew you'd love it again!

See, this is what I love
about Valentine's Day.

I get candies and notes and
dinner with my special guy.

I made us reservations, pickle.

Wait, me?!

I can't be your Valentine
pickle this year.

But I made us a reservation
at the new Moroccan place.

It's fun 'cause you get
to eat with your hands.

But it's also disgusting,

so I will be sneaking some
silverware in my purse.


No! I'm taking Jackie to the drive-in.

They're playing the movie "Twins."

You are not bailing on your mom

to go see Arnold
Schwarzenegger in a comedy.

The Terminator can't be twins

with little Louie from "Taxi."

- It makes no sense.
- But they did it!

He's the big, muscle-y twin,

and Danny DeVito is
the little, squishy one.

It's funny, 'cause
that's not how twins work!

Well, you don't have to see "Twins,"

because we're gonna be twins.

I'll go grab our matching sweaters.


This is your fault.

Every Valentine's Day,

Mom hounds me because you do nothing.

Yep. You know, before
you kids were born,

I used to disappoint your
mother every Valentine's Day.

- And you know why?
- Because you're the worst

with words, stuff, and emotions?


But then you kids came
along and stole all her love.

Now everybody wins!

Beep, beep!

While I kissed my Valentine's
Day with Jackie goodbye,

my sister was ready to
welcome a new band member.

Hey, Mr. Kremp. You got a sec?

I told your mom, she
can't make her own coupons.

We were wondering if
your nephew Evan's around.

Oh, hey. Sup?

Just here to say congrats.
Welcome to the band.

Oh. Sweet.

Um, question.

Will your girlfriend be
coming to practice or anything?

I don't have a girlfriend.

These are for you.

Sure. Yeah, that's $6.99.

I have no money.

Enjoy your totally normal
welcome-to-the-band bouquet.

- See you at practice.
- Sweet. All right.

And, thanks to our
neighbor's nephew Evan,

The Dropouts started making
beautiful music together.

♪ I never can forget ♪

Who knew all it took was adding

a handsome, budding
rock star to the band

to go from off-key to perfect harmony?

Dude, the new insanely handsome dude

really clicks with Erica, right?

Man, I did so good.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Why are you full-Nelsoning
me upstairs?!

'Cause Evan's moving in on your lady,

and what are you doing?!

Cheering him on, like a
cheering person who cheers.

- A cheerleader?
- No!

Wait. Yes!

Come on, man. Erica
doesn't like guys like Evan.

She's more into the supportive fella

who claps from the sidelines.

They're sharing a
single microphone, dude!


Sharing a mic is the musical equivalent

of Frenching under a waterfall.

Oh, God!

What is this heat I
feel rising in my throat?

That's called jealousy,
my friend. Embrace it.

My chest hurts, and so do my eyes.

Then it's time you learn.

There's only one
way to keep Erica:

harness the thing women crave most.

Irrational behavior.

Dude, I'm spinning out,

even though this all sounds so wrong!

Is it? How do you think I
got a smoke-show like Lainey?

- No one knows.
- It's 'cause I was loud,

passionate, crazy possessive,
and easily threatened.

But you're not with Lainey anymore.

'Cause the one time I was a
supportive nice guy, like you,

she ditched me for L.A.

Dude, I never thought of it like that.

You got to help me not wind up like you

by acting exactly like you.

Let's go warm up by screaming
at clouds that look like Evan.

Yeah! Ooh!

While Geoff was joining
forces with Barry,

I had no choice but to
break up with my mom.

There's my little love bug!

Who's ready for our
adventure down the street

to faraway, ancient Morocco?

About that... We need to talk.

Oh, no. That doesn't sound good.

Listen, we've had a lot
of good times together.

Oh, my God, it's getting worse.

Have I done something wrong?

It's not you. It's me.

About our whole dinner thing...

maybe it's time we go our separate ways.

Seriously? You're gonna do
this to me on Valentine's Day?

There's never a right time.

I just think it'd be healthy
for us to see other people.

Like, specifically, my
girlfriend and your husband.


I just thought this would
last forever, you know?

I know it's hard for
you to see right now,

but this is the best for both of us.

Well, I guess it's time to move on.

Murray! It's you and me Friday night!

We're getting Moroccan!


What have you done?

Have fun. You're gonna
love sitting on the floor.

For the whole meal?!

I can't even prop myself
up against the wall?

Just you on the floor,

sitting on a colorful, scratchy pillow.

I can't do this! My body will give out!

Hey, it's outta my hands.

But it's Valentine's Day!

She's gonna want to talk
about love and feelings.

That's not my thing!

Bring me back a handful of
that wet potato stuff, big guy.

Beep, beep!

Yep, that weekend, my Valentine's Day

was finally gonna be mom-free.

Or so I thought.

There's my little love monkey.

Mom, we've discussed this.

I'm insanely too old for tuckies.

Oh, I'm not here for tuckies.

I'm here to see the man who felt so bad

about bailing on our Moroccan feast

that he poured his heart
out into a Valentine poem.


The boy felt so guilty,
he wrote you a poem?

This, I got to hear.

Uh, hear what?

"Her heart, more precious
than all of Earth's jewels."

"Her love, deeper than the
ocean's darkest canyons.

Her embrace, a home I
will live in forever.

And I call this safe place...




I have to take you to a
Valentine's dinner now,

if it's okay with your father.

Oh-ho-ho, this is
the kind of love

I don't want to get in the way of.

I love my Murray.


Damn you and your
shockingly beautiful prose!

When I get cornered,
I come out fighting.

Well, this isn't over, sir!

Not by a long shot!

And with that, it was father versus son

in the battle to ditch Beverly Goldberg.

Geoff was ready to harness jealousy,

and Barry was his teacher.

JTP, I've gathered you all here today

to ensure young Geoffrey
doesn't get ditched

for a super-hot guitarist.

They shared a microphone!

- Oh, that's bad.
- So intimate!

It's like Frenching under a waterfall!

Luckily, I'm here to shepherd Geoff

into the world of anger
and unreasonable passion.

First, we role-play.

- Andy, you'll be Erica.
- Okay.

Um, actually, I'd like to play Erica.

I'm more than just a guy
who likes to be naked.

I have range, you know?

I'd like to also throw
my hat in the ring

for the role of Erica.

I mean, feel how soft my hands are.

Fine! You can all be Erica.

-Boom! Finally!
-Let's do this!

And I'm cool guitar guy Evan Dando.


Check out my cool hair and butt.

How 'bout I serenade you

while your pushover
boyfriend just watches?

- Geoff who?
- Aah!

You, sir, you go now! Begone with you!

The intensity is right.
The words are weird.

I want you to leave at
your earliest convenience,

and I'm not joshing around, buckaroo!

More rage! Less like you
traveled here from the past.

Quick! Throw something!

Aah! Aah...

Aah! Aah!

Dude! Not cool! That's my mom's lamp!

Oh, no! I'm so sorry!

- Never apologize.
- I'm not sorry!

But you broke her lamp.

I feel terrible! Am I in trouble?


But you love trouble!

I regret nothing!

Now go down there and win back my sister

by acting like her brother!


We've done good work here, gentlemen.

Barry's jealous lesson was complete.

But my Valentine war with
my dad was just beginning.

Murray, you keep on surprising me.

You got matchbooks from
all our favorite restaurants

and framed them in a
piece of loving art?

Framed what, now?

Wow, Dad!

I never knew you were capable

of such an ambitious romantic gesture.

In fact, it'd be wrong for me

to steal your special dinner.

He's right, Mur.

We're back on!

After that Valentine's ambush,

it was my dad's turn to strike.

Schmoopie, mother-son dance lessons?

Wait, what?

Oh, wow.

Little Fred Astaire even rented
a tuxedo for the occasion.

Moonlight trail rides?

Murray, you didn't.

Seems like I did.

Got your cowboy boots

from that trip to the
dude ranch that you hated.

This is the best day of my [bleep] life!

You think this is over?

I got two words for
you, whale watching.

I see your whale watching

and raise you a hot-air balloon ride.

Tandem bike ride in Martha's Vineyard.

Apple picking and making a pie.

Antiquing in New England.

Couples massage!

Shakespeare in the park!

Swimming with dolphins!

Rowboating at dusk!

Pasta-making class!

Italian opera!

Y'know, you two fighting
over me has been so much fun,

I've lost track of who
I'm going to dinner with.

- Still deciding.
- We'll letcha know.


While my mom was raking in the love,

Geoff was about to unleash fury.

- Yo, Dando.
- Oh, what's up, Geoff?

Oh, I'll tell you what's up.

It just so happens that I don't
like your stupid, handsome face

or your super-talented guitar playing

or your amazingly luscious hair!

What the hell is happening right now?

Geoff, a word.

Love the energy,

but your insults are
coming off as compliments.

Good note. Here I go again.

I'm a pretty intuitive person.

I'm getting a vibe you
got a problem with me.

Oh-ho-ho! Nothing gets past you

and your super chill way about you!

And you're so nice! I hate you!

Okay, this got weird fast.

Maybe I'm just not the right fit here.

- No, it's fine.
- Couple of buddies

from high school are starting a band,

so I'm just gonna give that a shot.

Good! Take your optimistic attitude

and your dumb-ass box of Lemonheads

and get the hell out of here!

Hey. Thanks, bro.

What the hell has gotten into you?!

I don't know, but do you like it?

Not even a little bit.

Good. I hate it, too!

Barry got me all riled
up and convinced me

you were gonna leave me
for Evan 'cause I'm nice.

I'm a college dropout

with a band that rehearses
in her parents' basement.

The only consistently good
thing in my life is you.

Oh, thank God.

And you! Stop messing with Geoff's head.

You know it's all oatmeal up there.

- Huh?
- I was just trying to help.

By convincing Geoff
that I'm gonna leave him?

How is that helpful?

'Cause it happened to me!

Lainey broke my heart,

and there was no one there
to help or stop it or warn me.

And the last thing I
want is for my best friend

to end up lonely and miserable, like me.

Don't just stand there!

Go after him before he leaves forever!

He's my brother. He lives upstairs.

No, I mean Evan!

I love him!

With that, Erica realized how
hard things had been for Barry.

As for my mom, everything
was coming up roses.

Well, hello, Virginia Kremp.

How's V-Day treating ya?

Well, as we say in the flower game,

business is blooming.

Shh. I'm in mid-brag.

As you know, my guys have showered me

with expensive gifts
and ticket experiences.

She's here, Charles!

Bring in the Valentine Explosion.

It's so big and deserved!

"Your devoted husband

and keeper of your heart, Murray."

Hmm, Murray. No, no, I
think that's a mistake.

Um, Adam actually came in
and ordered that for you.

Um... You're very wrong.

Clearly, it's from my husband.

No, I took the order.

It was your son,

the one who forces Chad
to act in his weird videos.

Then why does it say it's from
my "devoted husband," Charles?

Why does it say "Murray"

if Adam bought the flowers, Charles?

Why, Charles?

One theory is that they are

trying to dish you off on each other.

The other theory is I should
keep my big, fat mouth closed.

Okay. I'm gonna go now. Bye.

Murray! Adam! We need to talk!

Damn right we do.

Look at what Dad gotcha!

It's a bear, and his shirt
says, "I love you Bevy much!"

That's nothin'!

Adam wants to take you
on a wine-tasting trip

to Martha's Vineyard!

Okay, cut the poop!

I know neither of you want
to go to dinner with me.

- Oh, boy.
- I'm sorry!

I just wanted to be with Jackie.

- Don't be mad at me.
- Well, I am mad.

But I'm more mad at your father,
so I'll yell at him first.

I'll give you two the
privacy you deserve.

Bevy, don't be angry.

You know I'm not good
at feelings and stuff.

Oh, I get it.

I used to think you just
weren't good at Valentine's Day.

But turns out, you're amazing...

If it's to get out of
spending time with me.

- Just let me explain...
- Save it.

You got what you wanted.

Valentine's Day without me.

My mom's Valentine's Day was a bust.

It was gonna take more than
chocolates to make it right.

- Hey.
- Don't.

Look, I know a few stupid chocolates

won't make up for what I did,

but maybe this will.

I borrowed Adam's dumb camera,

and I made you a real
Valentine's Day gift.

And I helped! I was the cameraman,

and a pretty darn good
one, if I do say so myself.

I don't know if this is a good idea,

just sitting here and saying how I feel.

Bev's not here.

Just look in the lens
and speak from the heart.

All right. Let's do this.

Now, where's that damn button?

- That was absolutely beautiful!
- Yeah?

Yeah. I don't know. I
think I could do it better.

3, 2, 1...

Sweet Lord, Murray.

I've never seen you cry like that.

I'm just getting in the groove.

I think I got another one. Let's do it.

Okay. Go!

I don't know. That one
kind of got away from me.

I don't know. I kinda liked it.

Damn it, Al! You filmed it backwards!

I pushed the button like Adam does.

It was off when it
was supposed to be on!

Why would a red light mean "On"?

Red is the international
signal for "Stop"!

That's with cars, not with cameras!

Oh, now you're a camera expert!

You don't need a tape.

Just tell me everything now.

Right now?

To your face?! I can't do that!


Just tell her, Murray.


I love you!

And I hate that I live
in a constant panic,

afraid to tell you that.

And I hate that I can't express

how much you mean to me!

You just did, Mur.

I just said that I love you.

I know.

My dad was the kind of guy

who had a hard time saying
"I love you" out loud.

But when he finally did, it
was all my mom needed to hear.

Whattya know. The Terminator's funny.

They don't look the same,
but it's clear they're family.

And, as for Barry, his Valentine's Day

would end up being a bit
sweeter than he thought.

- What's going on?
- What does it look like?

You've got a date for Valentine's Day.

I appreciate it, but I
just want to be alone.

But you're not.

- You've got us.
- It's true.

We're here for you, man.

Listen, we actually
know a cool, new band

we thought you might want to see.

♪ Stole a voice to tell
her that he wouldn't ♪

♪ He kinda, shoulda ♪

Life is a funny thing.

My best friend's cousin,

who had the same rock
dreams as my sister,

really ended up making it

in a band called The Lemonheads.

And even though The Dropouts
didn't get quite as big,

it didn't matter, 'cause
when you're surrounded

by the people you love,

life is full of sweet music.



Aww, Jackie, thanks again
for this awesome V-Day gift.

Anytime you miss me, all
you gotta do is hit "Play."

Hey, Goldfarb!

Since you don't listen
to me in gym class,

maybe you'll listen
to your furry friend.

Balls! Giant Coach Mellor
must've grabbed Teddy

when I wasn't looking.

This isn't the school from "Fame,"

so put down your lightsaber and focus on

what's real important, sports!

Good form.