The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - Major League'd - full transcript

The '80s was the peak
of the sports comedy,

and my favorite, Major League.

I loved the classic underdog
story of a team of misfits

who used questionable methods
and voodoo to become champions.

They actually make sports tolerable

with their on-field shenanigans.

And Barry loved the unhinged,
badass pitcher, "Wild Thing. "

Dude, Wild Thing can't control
his rage or his fastball.

That's just like me.

Yep, there was nothing
better than rooting

for the ragtag team with the evil owner.



You want us to lose?

What I want is for us
to finish dead last.

And then one day, Major League

became a major reality.

You wanted to see me, Earl?

Ah, there's my favorite shop teacher.

We should cut the chitchat.

I have 63 birdhouses to grade.

See, that is just the kind of
statement that leads me to believe

- you're the perfect man to help me out
- With?

- I want to get rid of the baseball team.
- Sure.

See, Coach Mellor's departure
has left the team in shambles.

Sure.

They're so bad that
even the school paper



has stopped trying to spin the losses.

If our team keeps
playing like hot garbage,

I could convince the
board to drop the program

and spend that money
fixing our budgeting issues.

Sure.

Which is why you're gonna
be our new baseball coach.

What? I don't know
anything about the game.

All I played growing
up were timber sports.

Timber sports?

Log rolling, speed felling,

speed whittling, speed sanding.

Yeah, you help me lose and
that absurd radial arm saw you

- have been requesting is all yours.
- Batter up.

I have taken the
liberty of tracking down

some new recruits for the team.

They all happen to be students

who have been dodging
their athletic requirements,

if you catch my drift. Good luck.

And with that, Mr.
Crosby set out to assemble

the worst high-school team of all time.

Would you look at that?
My shoes are untied.

Better lace these up before I trip.

That is a wrap on
whatever the hell this is.

Get your hands and
feet to the gym, boys.

All right, you've died of
dysentery. Time to play sports.

- Can I save my...
- Go! Get your ass to the gym.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Come with me, Dave Kim.

Is this about my birdhouse?

I need an extension.

David Sirota, Jessie Wudders,
stop playing pretend government

and start playing real baseball.

But I only own penny loafers.

This is gonna be easier than I thought.

Needless to say,

my brother wasn't thrilled
with our team's new rookies.

I don't get it.

We haven't won a game all season.

Now they're hamstringing
us with you turds?

Hey, we don't wanna be here either.

And what are you wearing?

Coach was a uniform short, so I'm
wearing my costume from Damn Yankees.

Adam, today is my first pitching start,

and they are not gonna ruin it.

Relax. We're just here to
satisfy our sports requirement.

There's no chance Coach
will ever put us in.

Okay, listen up, team.

There's been some changes
to the starting lineup.

Shortstop... Dave Kim.

No!

He's, like, the worst Dave
Kim of all the Dave Kims.

Moving on.

Playing right field, Adam Goldberg.

What?

He's got a lazy eye
and the body to match.

Normally, I'd object
but I'm desperate here.

Look at it. These eyes
cannot catch a baseball.

Oh, God. Put back on the
corrective lenses, man. Please.

♪ Wild thing ♪

It was January 30, 1980-something,

a landmark day for Gerica.

Happy Kissa-versary.

Here are some tulips
to celebrate the day

these two lips first
kissed those two lips.

Ew. But also aww.

And wait, there's more.

I also booked us a romantic
getaway to the Poconos.

Poconos?

That's our most scenic and
budget-friendly mountain range.

You know it. Get packing, lady.

This is amazing.

The two of us, alone.

How did you convince
your dad to say yes?

Oh, it was easy. Uh, mostly
because I haven't done it yet.

But I have a foolproof plan.

I'm going to lie to him.

Well, this was a fun ride.

I'll just rent us a movie.

Oh, come on. What, are
you implying I can't lie?

I can lie. I lie all the time.

You really don't. And when you do,

you bail immediately
and then overcompensate

by revealing a deeply personal secret

that nobody wants to know.

Surely you're thinking of
some other unskilled liar.

Hey, Mom, Geoff has some thoughts

on your new Jazzercise ensemble

that he wants to share with you.

Ah, don't you just love it, Geoffrey?

The Lycra is form-fitting,

but it still gives me the freedom

to explore all my moves.

Uh, well, I suppose I
enjoy the bold colors

and the sleeve length and... Oh, my God.

Also, one time at summer camp,

I took a puff of a cigar and
then it made me really nauseous

and I threw up in a lake.

And there it is.

And so it was up to my sister
to concoct the perfect lie.

The Eastern Pennsylvania
Scholastic Achievement Awards?

That's fantastic, but
it doesn't surprise me

my Geoffrey is receiving such an honor.

Well, it's really an award for you, too.

You raised a smarty.

Take some videos.

Okay, well, we'll see ya when we see ya.

While Erica and Geoff lied
their way to a dream weekend,

I was living a true nightmare.

Please don't let the ball come to me.

Please. Oh, balls.

I don't got it! I don't got it!

I definitely don't got it!

Turns out, our underdog team

wasn't as bad as the
one in Major League.

No, we were worse.

I'm as mad at me as you are.

Boys are looking lousy out
there, Crosby. Good coaching.

Whoa. Kremp can actually play.

Yeah, that's on me.

Kid was making a weird
movie with Goldberg.

I made some assumptions.

Kremp, you're benched for showboating.

- Penny loafer, you're in.
- In my defense, I have cleats,

- but you insisted I wear these.
- Uh-huh. Move it, penny loafer.

Can I just stand in the grass
area? They're getting all dusty.

Yeah, you do what you need to do, kid.

And the cherry on top
of our suck sundae,

my brother's pitching.

Just a bit outside.

Ball four.

Ball eight.

Honestly, I've lost count.

I just couldn't stop
wondering why Crosby and Ball

didn't seem to care that
our team was so epically bad.

And then it hit me.

The ball just punched me.

They wanted us to lose,
like in Major League.

Meanwhile, my sister was
on a major romantic getaway.

You know, I gotta admit, the whole
time you were lying to my dad,

I had this feeling that something
terrible was gonna happen.

Stick with me, Schwartz.
I'll never lead you wrong.

Oh, my God!

Yep, this is 100% true.

My oldest sibling snuck
off on a romantic getaway

and actually did this to my dad's car.

- Oh, God!
- What are we gonna do?

Cars don't just fall off cliffs
at scholastic award shows!

Forget the awards!

My dad's car just rolled off a cliff!

Oh, my dad's gonna kill me!

Please make sure some nice
lady gets my eyes! Promise me!

Okay, let's just take a deep breath

of the fresh mountain air and think.

I lied my way into this mess.

I can lie my way out of it.

And just as the
scholastic gala was ending,

Geoff and I walked outside and
found a sack of abandoned puppies.

Naturally, we raced the
car to the animal hospital,

but there was a drawbridge being raised

and we tried to jump it for the puppies

because we're good people,
but the car didn't make it.

Luckily, we're fine

and so were the two dozen puppies

that have now all found homes.

Drawbridges are death ramps.

My nail girl's brother
tried to jump a drawbridge.

They found his head and
torso on a fishing trawler.

He's in culinary school now,
but every day is a struggle.

Thank God the two of you were not hurt.

It's a lie.

We were in the Poconos
on a secret getaway.

We parked your station wagon on
the hill without the parking brake,

and also I copied part
of my Bar Mitzvah speech

from a Winston Churchill biography.

So you lied right to my face, Geoffy?

Wait, no. It... It's not Geoff's fault.

It's all mine, and I'm so sorry.

And then my sister braced herself

for a nuclear Murray meltdown.

You sent my car off a cliff!

Wow, he's taking this really well.

I figured that he would
be screaming his head off.

Off a cliff! Who does that?

Oh, no. Your father has
reached a stage beyond anger.

All my family does is wreck my car!

Third time this year!

Oh, this is not good.

The Poconos.

You could've been killed.

To be honest, I'm digging this way more

than the screaming and
the "moron" calling.

My insurance is gonna
go through the roof!

Okay, I got to get him inside
and try to calm him down

with warm milk and Steak-umms.

I don't know if it'll work,
but I'm a desperate woman.

Anyway, I'm sorry about
the bending the truth thing.

It probably won't happen again.

The only reason Geoff is in this mess

is because of your terrible
influence, and it stops now.

This relationship is over.

- What?
- You can't break up with my girlfriend.

Wait, can you? Can he?

I don't know. I've never
been in this situation before.

Let's go, son.

While Erica's lies had
finally caught up to her,

I was catching up the guys
on my major revelation.

Gentlemen, Principal Ball and Mr. Crosby

- are Major Leagueing this team.
- What?

Just one glaring
problem with your theory.

If he wanted us to lose,
they'd never let me pitch.

Barry, he let you pitch
because of how bad you are.

Adam. A word?

Just between us, the
last thing I would want

is for me to seem weak
in front of the team,

but what you just said about
my pitching hurt me to the core.

Uh, bro?

We can hear everything you're saying.

You're, like, not that far away.

I'm sorry.

I just thought it was important
you all know the truth.

But I don't suck.

I'm literally gonna cry right now.

Guys, it's not so much a distance thing

as a volume thing, 'cause
we're getting every word.

Damn it! I'll prove
how good I am right now!

Who's got a ball?

I've got a tangerine.

But it's supposed to be for
emergency dips in my blood sugar.

This is an emergency.

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna throw

this little embarrassing
emergency orange at you

so you can feel how much I don't suck.

Dude. We're being Major League'd.

- What are we gonna do?
- I'll tell you what.

We're gonna Major League 'em right back.

'Cause in the end, it turns out

that ragtag bunch of losers win it all!

And so will we!

Or we put all our faith
in our amazing pitcher

to take us to the championship.

Wild Thing.

Look alive, Shernicke.

Okay, we can just go with his thing.

Even though Earl Ball wanted us to lose,

I'd use my favorite sports
movie to help us win.

Okay, our Major League
journey from underdog scrubs

to skilled champions
begins with one thing.

Meet Jobu, the idol that
Pedro Cerrano prays to

that helps you hit the curve ball.

Uh, bro? That doll seems
a little super insensitive.

He's hilarious in the movie,

but presenting it now just
makes me feel kinda weird.

Yeah, I'd... I'd put it away.

Okay, we're gonna lose.

Not if we have a sexy
incentive for us to win.

Aw, yeah, like in the movie.

Whenever the Indians would win,

they would remove a sliver of
clothing from a cardboard cutout

of the team's super hot yet evil owner.

Which is why I made a
cardboard cutout of our nemesis,

school principal and
avid swimmer, Earl Ball.

Relax. We're only gonna take a piece off

when we don't win.

This team shall never lose again.

We can't let it happen, guys.

For sure! But also, where
did you get that picture?

Finally, we have to band together

and address each of our weaknesses.

Like in the movie

when the team had to convince
Wild Thing to wear glasses.

Bro, I think someone would
know if they needed glasses.

Not to be this guy, but
we're all painfully aware

that you're super nearsighted
but refuse to acknowledge it.

I can see just fine.

I'll prove it. I'll read your
shirt. "Spice Inventors. "

- No.
- "Spork Investors"?

- No.
- "Shark Incisors"?

- No.
- "Snake Inhalers. " Yeah?

- Nope.
- "Spanish Inquisition"?

- No, that's...
- "Saint Ignatius"?

What? How have you made it this far?

- "Spare Bedroom"?
- No.

"Spanakopita"?

Here. I'm nearsighted, too.

Oh, it's "Space Invaders. "

That makes sense.

So you're finally admitting to
yourself that you need glasses?

I've always known! I
can't believe you all knew

and never cared enough to tell me.

Why?

I'll get us each a new pair.

Yep, our team was ready
to end our losing streak,

and Erica was determined
to win over Geoff's dad.

Thank you, Dr. Schwartz, for
joining us today in your home.

We've all heard some murmurs that
I'm not good enough for Geoff.

What's happening right
now? You may think you know

the whole story of Geoff and
Erica, but do you really know

- Geoff and Erica?
- Yes.

But I think once you
see my presentation,

you'll see that I'm the
perfect girl for Geoff.

_

Long before I was a free spirit

who treated life as one big party,

I actually used to be a doofy bookworm

who went to bed by 9:00,
just like Geoff here.

So you think my son is a doof?

Uh, Geoff, you wanna maybe jump in here

- and talk about our love?
- You bet.

Erica's a great influence on me.

Are you drinking a beer?

Moving on. Look. Last week,

she took me mini golfing
for half-price Tuesdays.

But Tuesday's a school day.

Moving on. See, Erica's
really thoughtful, Dad.

She threw me a surprise party,

and it was the best night of my life.

Is that my living room?

Did you throw a party
when I was in Miami?

- Erica, please take over again.
- No! I've had enough.

This just confirms what I already knew.

You may love my son,

but it doesn't mean you're good for him.

I'm.

As Erica's apology project fell apart,

our team's big Major League
plan was coming together.

How's it going, Coach?

Are we gonna win at sucking or what?

Got my worst men on it, sir.

Strike! Three, three!

Yes!

Two down, two down. Play's at second.

They can play and know the lingo.

It seems they've figured out

that you're Major Leagueing them,

and now they're Major
Leagueing you back.

Unless we change the schedule.

We have to play Meadowbrook High?

They're the best team in the city.

This is bad.

Ball knows we know
he's Major Leagueingus

and that we're Major Leagueing him back.

I'm confused, but
ready to act with anger.

Good. 'Cause now we're
at the top of our game,

and nothing can bring us down.

Well, look who it is.

It's the JTP,

AKA the Jenkintown Posers.

You know that's not
what it stands for, bro!

Balls, balls, this just got bad fast.

It was the Meadowbrook Mafia,

the JTP's rival posse
from one town over,

and they were led by theater star

and hotshot athlete, Bradley Cooper.

Word on the suburban street is
the baseball schedule changed

and now we get to destroy you on Friday.

Doesn't matter who we play,

'cause as long as I'm pitching,

we're guaranteed the "W."

Can't wait to see you
on the mound, four-eyes.

Shows what you know.

I'm pitching, not my nerd brother.

No, you're the four-eyed nerd.

I can't wait to hit your first pitch

all the way to the school library.

Where you'll probably
find it the next day,

because you have glasses

and thus an uncool love of reading.

Well, I'll have you
know Barry never reads.

He's more of a TV guy.

"I have glasses, and I'm a Dork Lord. "

They just called me
a four-eyed nerdling.

That's so hurtful.

Who talks to people like that just

because they wear corrective lenses?

You? Almost every single day of my life?

Well, yeah, 'cause you're
a four-eyed nerdling...

Oh, no!

I get it now!

You're just now getting that
being called a nerd is hurtful?

Yes. Now that I'm affected, I care.

Great. 'Cause we actually have a chance

to stand up and fight back.

No, guys... I can't wear these things.

What's the worst that happens?

Look, there's a reason I refused
to admit I needed these things.

Yeah, I act all cool, but I'm not.

And these glasses will
just make it worse.

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

Turns out my overconfident brother

was more insecure than I thought.

And while glasses made
Barry quit the team,

Geoff was determined to see Erica.

No matter how risky.

Gah! Geoff, what are you doing?

I'll stop at nothing to see you!

That's sweet, but you could've
just used the front door.

It's your dad who
doesn't want us together.

Oh, God, I'm so upset
I'm not thinking straight.

Relax. You're forgetting
that I have parents, too.

And once Beverly Goldberg
hears that your dad

called her baby girl a bad influence,

she'll unleash such unbridled fury

that your dad will
wish he was in that car.

- Yeah, not my place.
- Not your place?

Everywhere's your place!
You have no boundaries!

Schmoo, how do I put this delicately?

We agree with Lou.

You're a horrible influence on the boy.

What? You're supposed to be on my side.

Oh, how do I put this delicately?

Geoff is a college-bound future doctor.

You're a drop-out liar
who can't even hold a job.

Would you just let her
put it delicately one time?

Look, Erica,

we don't think you're
not good enough for Geoff.

It's just that, right now,

it seems Geoff is too good for you.

Thank you, Mom.

Wait. That's exactly the same thing.

You just said it in a nicer tone.

For the first time,

My mom said no to defending her kids

and then felt so bad, she caved.

Hey. Wanna talk about it?

Everyone was right.

Geoff deserves someone better than me.

Schmoo, when I see that boy

and how much he loves
you and how hard he tries,

makes me wonder if maybe you could
be trying a little harder, too.

I love Geoff so much.

The last thing I want
to do is hold him back.

And, in this case, maybe that means

I don't get to be with him,

no matter how much I want to.

The big game against
Meadowbrook was starting,

and everyone was there...
Everyone, that is, except Barry.

Goldberg, you're up.
Swing or don't swing.

How you strike out is up to you.

The moment had arrived.

I'd never been a sports hero,

but Major League taught
me anything was possible.

- Just not this time.
- Oh, God!

- My tender boy body.
- Adam?

- Barry? Are you dead, too?
- Oh, I'm alive.

And I'm sick of being a joke.
I'm gonna get revenge for you,

and every other
four-eyed nerd out there.

Coach, I'm pitching next inning.

Good thinking. They're only up a run.

Go get us into a jam.

Barry didn't just come back
to our team to defend my honor,

he returned to show the world he was

finally done with
hiding who he really was.

♪ Wild thing

♪ You make my heart sing

Yep, it's true.

After years of calling
me a four-eyed Dork Lord,

Barry Norman Goldberg now had glasses.

What is this song? Where
is it even coming from?

Oh, yes. Just like his hero,

Rick "Wild Thing"
Vaughn in Major League,

Barry could finally see clearly,

and he'd use it to win once and for all.

♪ Wild thing

Ooh. Except he didn't.

♪ Wild thing ♪

That day, Barry didn't
use his new glasses

to strike out the other team.

Instead, he struck 'em down,

and it felt glorious.

You're out of here!

In that moment, I had
a new sports hero...

Barry "Wild Thing" Goldberg.

- Hey, get up.
- What?

You heard me. Get up. Get dressed.

Maybe run a comb through your hair.

Why? Where are we going?

- To get Geoff back.
- What about Lou?

If he thinks he's gonna keep
my baby from the man she loves,

then he's gonna find out
what a bad influence I can be.

Yep, no one messes
with Beverly Goldberg.

Sure, it took her a
while to get onboard,

but now Geoff's dad was about
to face off with our Wild Thing.

Evening, Lou.

Thank you for coming to this ambush.

How dare you say my daughter
isn't good enough for your...

Mom, wait. I know I
begged you to fix this,

but this is something
I have to do on my own.

But I'm all revved up.

Please, rev down. I got this.

Look, I know I get Geoff into trouble

and force him out of his comfort zone

and have him throw parties
in your living room.

But there is not a
slide show in the world

that will make you see just
how much I love your son.

Even though I'm selfish and moody

and have so much growing up to do...

You still love me.

So, yeah, I'm not nearly good
enough for a guy like you.

But you make me wanna do whatever
it takes to prove I can be.

Maybe they do bring out
the best in each other.

No maybe, Lou. They just do.

Sometimes we've got to
fight for what we love,

but what good is a fight
without a little backup?

Just a bit outside.

That's the thing about family.

You're a team...

A team that never stops
believing in each other.

And when that happens,

it makes everything
a little more groovy.

♪ Wild thing ♪

_

How come when I wear
glasses, you call me a nerd,

but when you wear
glasses you look awesome?

That's not very fair.

I like the glasses.

_

- Okay.
- Move, dumbass. We can't see.

I know. I was once like you.

But thanks to major advances
in contact-lens technology,

I now have the vision of an
eagle holding a telescope.

Now that I have
better-than-perfect vision,

a whole new world of
careers has opened up for me.

Be hold.

I can now be a fighter pilot, umpire,

professional Where's Waldo-finder,

Avid reader, guy who
writes things on rice,

long-distance peeping
tom, and Olympic athlete.

It's a tad late to start
training for the Olympics.

Not with these
laser-focused baby browns.

Oh, God, my contact lens popped out.

Help. Help me.

Mark my words, if Barry
somehow makes it in,

it will be the most memorable thing

to ever happen at the Olympics.