The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - Episode #6.13 - full transcript
Back in the '80s, my mom
didn't go into an office
but she did have an important job,
getting the Goldbergs'
day off and running,
and it all started
with a hearty breakfast.
Ghostbusters cereal for
my little Marshmallow Man.
Crunchin' makes me feel good!
Triple protein, quadruple egg,
and quintuple cheese
omelet for my grizzly Barry.
My body will turn all of this
into muscle immediately. Watch.
Erica, Raisin Bran with
a prune juice chaser.
What's good for the heart
is also good for the bottom.
Gah, Mom! But also, thank you.
Bevy, which shirt do I like?
My mom was also our in-house stylist.
- Left hand.
- And which pants do I like?
- The ones you're wearing.
- That's why I put 'em on!
- I know what looks good.
- You really do.
Now go change your socks.
They're two different colors.
Oh, yeah. I'll be right back.
She was also our pharmacist.
Blood pressure, cholesterol,
heartburn, and dewormer.
Dewormer? What aren't you telling me?
Not for you, Dad, for Lucky.
Who's my little dumper?
And when she sent us off,
that's when my mom's work really began.
Yes, I'm calling about my
flight to Fort Lauderdale,
which might as well have been to hell
because that's what
my back and upper groin
have been in since we landed.
What does "TWA" stand for, anyway?
"The Worst Airline"?
You know what, Wayne? Just
connect me to your supervisor.
I'm gonna need to speak
to your supervisor, Lydia.
You know what? I need to
talk to your supervisor.
Just connect me to your supervisor.
Well, maybe your supervisor
feels differently.
Let me speak to someone higher.
Well, maybe your supervisor can help me.
You know what? I demand to
speak to your supervisor.
Oh, you're the CEO?
Well, then, I'm gonna need
two first-class tickets
and a mess of those little pretzel bags.
After cleaning,
couponing, and complaining,
my mom sped off to do
her favorite thing...
Shopping and errands.
Yep, Beverly Goldberg
was an unstoppable force!
Damn it!
What is wrong with you?
Nobody stops at that stop sign!
It was March 6th, 1980-something,
and, after weeks of
mending a broken heart,
my brother was finally ready
to get back to normal life.
Buenos dias, jota-te-pe!
- Jota-te-pe!
- Are we doing Spanish now?
Elshut up-o, Mateo Bradley!
Gentleman, I know I've been distracted
by the whole Lainey drama,
but fear not, JTP.
I'm once again ready
to sit upon my throne
as your unstable leader.
My first decree,
we shall playeth Smashball.
Ooh, we'd love to, but it's crunch
time for college applications.
Oh... Right.
College.
We are seniors,
so that would be happening
right around now, wouldn't it?
Dude, don't tell us
the whole Lainey thing
distracted you from applying to college.
No!
Don't be so stupid, Matt Bradley!
- But I didn't even say...
- Bup-bup-bup-bup!
Just out of curiosity,
tell me everything about
this application process
so I know you're doing it right.
Well, we've really been beefing
up our extra curriculars.
Naked Rob is an Eagle Scout.
It's the highest level of Boy Scout
and the lowest level of cop.
Andy's a youth basketball coach.
Which is cool 'cause I'm
taller than all of 'em.
And Matt Bradley's in
the Big Brother program.
Jeremiah really stole my heart.
And I think also my car keys.
And I'm the treasurer for the Model UN.
It's really stressful, so
all my armpit hair fell out,
but it'll all be worth it
if it impresses Dartmouth.
It's good to see we're all preparing.
Therefore, there's no reason to panic.
Excuse me.
I'm freaking out, man!
Is that squirrel taunting you again?
Apparently, I got so swept up in
not getting married to Lainey,
I forgot about the whole
"getting into college" thing!
Did you say "college"?
I heard "college."
Don't screw this up, moron.
Where did he come from?
Dad, you gotta back off.
I don't even know where
I want to go to school!
That's where I can help.
Okay, I need you to focus up here,
'cause picking a school is not
something you just rush into.
- Done. I'm going to Tufts.
- Moron!
You don't just open up a book
and pick out some random school
and say, "That's the one."
- But it just makes sense.
- Why?
'Cause its name is Tufts,
and I'm basically the
toughest man in the world.
- Tufts, fine, done.
- Really?
Hey, even if you got there
the dumbest way possible,
Tufts is still a great
school, so I'm good.
So did we just decide where
I'm applying to college?
My son's going to Tufts! Hoo-hoo!
While Barry was getting
excited about his dream college,
my mom was just trying
to calm her nerves.
I've been saying it since the
first time I ran that stop sign,
that intersection is an
accident waiting to happen,
and it's high time
Mama fixes the problem!
You could've been seriously hurt!
How? I wasn't even there.
- But you could've been.
- That's true.
And, God forbid, you could've
gone through the windshield
like a delicious,
little sack of potatoes,
and, God forbid, a piece of glass
- could have lodged in your brain!
- Oh, no!
Thank God the shard got lodged
in a place where you're fine,
- and they don't need to operate.
- Thank God.
But, God forbid, 20 years from now,
you could sneeze, and boom!
The shard shifts, and you're a veggie.
But I sneeze all the time!
This is a parent's worst nightmare,
and it's all because
of a stupid stop sign!
- What's going on?
- We're making the very gut-wrenching decision
about whether or not
Adam should have surgery
to remove the glass in his
brain from a car accident.
Oh, my God! What do we do?
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me
clarify. Adam's fine.
We need another stop sign
at the end of the block.
What? Are you kidding me?
I almost gave Adam a hug.
I know, baby. We're all scared,
but Mama will fix this.
I'm gonna take this case to City Hall.
I don't know if you know this,
but I could have been a lawyer.
I think you've said it
once or twice before.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've... been a lawyer.
I could've... been a lawyer!
- I guess that rings a bell.
- It should,
'cause that bell rings constantly.
Well, as the lawyer I could've been,
I'm going to collect
evidence to support my case.
Adam, I need you to make a video
documenting how truly dangerous
that intersection really is.
Yes! I'll get right on it!
Uh, what's my budget for the project?
Schmoo, can you just film
the intersection for me?
Challenge accepted!
I won't let you down!
As my mom was lawyering up,
Barry and my dad were getting
down to the business of college.
Okay, let's go over what
you need to get into Tufts.
Besides just being super tough?
Uh-huh.
All right, first, your grades.
Oh, okay, you squeaked
out a B-minus in English.
Wow! Straight A's in math and science.
All that math stuff just clicks,
but English not good much.
Well, it looks like I'm gonna
have to help you with your essay.
Or... We freestyle my
essay. Check it out.
♪ Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs ♪
♪ Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs ♪
♪ Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs ♪
You're just repeating the
same thing over and over.
I got stuck in a rap loop. I'm sorry!
Okay, that does not help.
We really gotta wow 'em
with your extra curriculars.
- All right, let me see your résumé.
- Boom!
All you wrote down was "left-handed"
and that you're an Aries?
That's not exactly "boom" material.
That's all I got.
And technically, I'm a Pisces,
but I don't want to be no stupid fish.
Damn it! All you had to do
was play an instrument
or volunteer somewhere,
- and you did nothing!
- I know!
I'm not Tufts enough.
Relax, moron.
We'll just give your
résumé a little padding.
You mean lie?
Think of it like your
mother's shoulder pads.
She wears them
even though she still
has shoulders, right?
I bet she does.
So you're telling me you're okay
with shoulder padding my résumé?
I would do anything to
get you into college.
- Come on.
- I'm serious.
This is legitimately the
most important thing to me.
So you're telling me you
would spend every cent you have
- if it would mean getting me into a good college.
- Yes.
- What if you had to wear pants at all times?
- Yes.
- What if the Eagles never, ever won again?
- Yes.
What if the only way was for Tom
Selleck to shave his mustache?
Too far! You hear me?
You leave Selleck's
mustache out of this!
While my dad and Barry
were formulating a plan,
my mom was putting her plan into action.
Hello, Mr. Schnitz. I'm
not sure you remember me.
Oh, I remember you. You're
the lady that comes in here
demanding I help you
because I'm city comptroller.
Exactly. And things have
gotten out of comptrol.
Again, I think you gravely misunderstand
the reach the comptroller has.
Well, if you can't comptrol
this city, then who can?
You realize I am just an accountant?
- And I am holding you accountable.
- Just tell me what you want.
I'd like you to take comptrol
of a traffic situation
heretofore known as
Goldberg v. Jenkintown.
Ma'am, this is just an
office above a tuxedo shop,
not a court of law where
I can make any real...
- Exhibit A.
- Okay, sure.
This is the intersection in question.
Note that there are only two stop signs,
but by the time I rest my
case, there will be four.
- Exhibit B.
- Exactly how many exhibits are there?
Behold, a scale model
of our neighborhood.
And please note Exhibit C.
These are shards of windshield
that almost had to be
removed from my son's brain.
- Oh, my God, that is horrib...
- We decided not to operate
- because he wasn't actually in the car.
- What?
Don't worry, he's fine
and super talented,
which is why I tasked
him with Exhibit D.
All rise.
- I really don't want to.
- Overruled!
Again, this is not a
court... You know what? Fine.
- Motion to get this over with, then.
- You may be seated.
The year is 2033,
crime is at an all time high
and volcanoes are everywhere!
What is this? We agreed
you were only gonna film the stop signs.
Trust me. You need to hook
in the audience with a story.
The President's plane has
crash-landed in Jenkintown.
That's the forbidden sector.
Only you can help us!
Is that right, what I'm saying?
Even though I only have
one eye, I'll do it.
I'll save the President.
It's go time. Nothing will stop me!
The President blew up before
Snake could get to him.
The mission has failed.
I'm re... I'm really not
following the story...
- We need a stop sign.
- Okay.
Well, I did not understand any of that,
but I really would
like you not to be here,
- so I'm gonna give you that stop sign.
- So... I won the case?
You took comptrol of the courtroom.
- Which is my office, so, yeah, sure.
- Great!
So just, uh, bang the
gavel and make it official.
Well, I don't have
a ga... You know what?
- Let me just do this Fanta can.
- Ah!
We won the big case! Amazing!
- How did I play?
- Not great, but Mom was on fire.
I gotta admit, even if the whole
thing is aggressively pointless,
it's kind of cool you
actually made a difference.
You know, this is
really important to me,
- and I am damn tired of your sass mouth!
- No sass.
I know how hard it
is to get things done.
I mean, I've been working on one
song for the last three months,
and so far, all I've got is...
♪ Something, something, something ♪
♪ And your friend Andre ♪
And that is not good.
- I mean, who the hell is Andre?
- I think it's catchy.
Point is, I'm proud of you.
Oh, thank you, Boopie,
and you know what?
I've made a decision.
I am going to realize my
potential as a potential lawyer.
- Oh, my God, are you serious?
- You're damn right I am!
Beverly Goldberg's gonna be a lawyer!
Once my dad found out Barry's
college résumé was light,
he made it his mission to bulk it up.
The trick is to take a nugget of truth,
and you spin it a little. You
do play a lot of sports, right?
Hockey, wrestling, football.
Moron, if you played a bunch of sports,
why aren't any of them
on your college résumé?
A variety of reasons, but mostly
'cause of unsuccessful tryouts.
So you played all
three for a little bit,
so you're at least a
three-letter varsity player,
- and an MVP.
- I never won MVP.
You never won Most Valuable Player,
but "MVP" could stand for anything.
Like Magic Velvet Pants?
Who wins Magic Velvet Pants?
I don't know. A genie?
- Should we put down that I'm a genie, too?
- Let's move on.
So we covered sports.
What about community service?
I guess I am in the community
when I'm walking around the community.
Wow, sounds like you're the
head of a neighborhood watch.
And I do shout at dogs sometimes.
Seems to me that you
train service animals.
I think I'm getting the hang of this,
like that one time I
played checkers with Pops.
I was basically volunteering
with sad, old veterans.
- Perfect, throw more at me!
- And with that,
my dad spun all of my brother's
antics into résumé gold.
- His bad BMX-ing became...
- School cycling team.
- Goofing off in the gymnasium became...
- Gymnast!
Trying to eat an apple
in one bite became...
Head of the Isaac Newton Society.
- Doing whatever this is became...
- Gravity experiments elective.
- Just walking became...
- Hall monitor!
His lifelong obsession
with Donkey Kong became...
Unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
- And dressing as a pirate became...
- Pirate!
Wow, I've led an incredibly rich life.
You're damn right you have.
Hoo-hoo! I'm a good dad!
While my dad was feeling
confident about Barry's future,
my mom was getting ready to change hers.
Good morning, your
honorable smush bottom!
Looking good, Mom!
That's because today is the first day
of your mama bear's journey
to becoming a trial lawyer.
Well, I know you can do it.
I mean, who's better
at arguing than you?
Well, I did get this suit at half price
because of a smudge on the shoulder,
which I put there and later removed.
And those are the kind
of questionable morals
- that will make you an ace attorney.
- Thank you.
Okay, so here's what it
takes to become a lawyer.
First, you'll have to
get ready for the LSATs.
Well, I can LSAT or L-stand.
I can do it all.
- Seriously, what is that?
- It's the Law School Admissions Test,
which takes about four
months to prepare for.
And after that, you apply to
law school, which is three years.
Even for a proven legal eagle like me?
I mean, I could've been a lawyer.
- That's got to count for something.
- It doesn't. Moving on.
So after you graduate,
you'll have to pass the bar.
Another test? I just took the "L" one.
And then you'll get hired
at a firm and be an associate
and work your way up the ladder until...
- Eh, Mama's out.
- What?
I... I think I'm okay just
knowing I could have been a lawyer.
How can you possibly know that
if you gave up after two minutes?
Well, when you think about it,
I already kind of am a lawyer.
Except you're not a lawyer,
because you did nothing to become one.
According to the show L.A. Law,
anyone can represent
themselves in court,
so that kind of makes me a lawyer.
No, it makes you a person who
wants to be a lawyer but isn't one.
If I can defend myself in court,
then you can, Daddy can, anyone can.
So when you think about it,
doesn't that make us all lawyers?
That is an incredibly
dumb way to think about it.
Hey, I could've been a lawyer,
so you show me the respect
I could've deserved.
Read it and weep, suckers.
- What's this?
- Oh.
Just the best college
résumé ever assembled.
Three-letter varsity athlete?
Captain of the diving team?
Geology club? Dude, you
didn't do any of these things.
It says you're the
treasurer of the Model UN?
I once gave that foreign
kid who smells like beets
a quarter to buy a donut,
so that pretty much makes me
official treasurer of the Model UN.
Except you're not 'cause I am!
In the name of Luxembourg,
I declare war on your lies!
We don't have a real army, so
it's more of a symbolic gesture.
Guys, relax.
- It's not like I'm hurting anyone.
- Yes, you are!
What if your lies get you
into a school over one of us?
- Is that fair?
- Okay.
You're clearly feeling a
lot of emotions right now,
which I can help you with
'cause I'm a peer counselor
and a certified youth minister.
This is super not cool or chill, man.
Oh, come on, Matt Bradley!
Where did that come from?
Come on, guys!
- JTP...
- JTP!
J...
- ... TP.
- While Barry was feeling guilty
about achieving his college dreams,
Erica was hell-bent on getting
my mom to reach for hers.
There she is, ready
to fold my intimates.
Put down the basket. We need to talk.
Erica, it's fine. I don't
need to be a real lawyer.
Okay, forget law,
but there's so many other
things that you're good at,
so let's pick one of those
and make it your thing.
- Okay, like what?
- I'm glad you asked, because I made this...
A list of potential dream jobs
tailored to your very talents.
For instance, diplomat.
Well, I do have a way of helping people
- to get what I want them to think they want.
- Exactly.
And that's just one of
many exciting options.
What about fashion designer?
Mmm, my clothes are purely for fun.
I don't want to take the joy out of it.
Or you could be a gastroenterologist.
Speaking of which, how did that
fiber-rich breakfast work out, hmm?
Gah, I have so many futures
for you on this board.
Just pick one and do it!
Enough. I'm fine just
doing what I do, okay?
- I don't need some fancy job.
- Yes, you do!
Because if you give
up on being a lawyer,
which is actually doable,
then what does that mean for
me making it as a musician?
Erica, me saying "I
could've been a lawyer"
- has nothing to do with you.
- Of course it does!
I dropped out of college just like you,
which means I'll just end up being a mom
who constantly tells her ungrateful kids
that "I could've been a rock star."
I don't know whether to
be offended or worried,
- but I don't like either feeling.
- But it's true.
Becoming a lawyer is hard,
and you gave up on it,
like, shockingly fast.
And the truth is...
I'm doing the same thing with my music.
Ever since Lainey left...
I haven't sung a single note
or written any music or
even touched my keyboard.
Schmoo, you've got it all wrong.
I gave up on being a lawyer 'cause
that was never really my dream.
Then why do you always say it?
'Cause it sounds better
than my real dream,
which is being a mama.
I'm living my dream.
If music is yours, you
can't just give up on it.
I already have.
After my brother talked to the JTP,
he was starting to have some
doubts about his résumé.
Unfortunately, my dad had none.
Dad, I just finished my college essay,
and I think we should
have a little talk.
- Oh, you should have a talk, but not with me.
- Huh?
I've got an alumnus from Tufts here,
and he's gonna interview you.
Remember my pal Formica Mike?
Your furniture nemesis?
I got his mom a great
deal on a water bed,
- so he owes me. But...
The JTP got me thinking,
maybe shoulder-padding my résumé...
... isn't the most honest thing.
I don't care what the PYT thinks.
You go in there and lie and
make your dad proud. Come on.
Here he is...
The future of Tufts!
Murray, you may be right, if
this résumé is to be believed.
And it is! I'm gonna get
you guys some cookies.
Hydrox, if you got 'em!
Hydrox is the Oreo of our people.
Uh-huh. Listen, about my résumé...
Oh, your résumé, my gosh.
This is something special.
How does one person find the time?
"How does one person do all
that stuff in one year," you ask?
Well... Don't. Don't ask.
Okay.
Wow, there's so much here.
Uh, you're an "unpaid assistant
to a primate physician."
W... well, I love monkeys,
- so what's it like to work with them?
- It's good.
- Care to elaborate?
- Uh, they love throwing barrels and stuff.
- Barrels?
- Yeah, it's annoying,
'cause you just got
to save your girlfriend
and then jump over rolling barrels,
but luckily, they break apart
when you whack 'em with a mallet.
We're talking about
Donkey Kong, aren't we?
Yes! I'm sorry.
It's a lie, all of it! I...
I don't deserve to be in Tufts.
He doesn't mean it.
He's just being a moron.
- I do mean it.
- So no Hydrox?
Look, I'm sorry I messed
up my whole senior year
and focused on the wrong things,
but I won't lie my way into college.
I was promised Hydrox.
That's why I wanted
you to read my essay.
It's not pretty, but it's real.
It's about what really
happened this year, and...
If the truth isn't
good enough for Tufts,
then I'll just have to live with it.
Whoa, what's all this?
I figured it was time
to pursue a new dream.
I thought you said being
a mom was your dream.
And it is.
But you were right.
What kind of example would I be setting
if I just gave up on
all my other dreams?
These are just recipes.
- I've decided to write a cookbook.
- Oh, my God, yes!
I pitched you diplomat and not
cookbook? What is wrong with me?
Nothing! You still got me here!
- So, thank you, Boopie.
- No need to thank me.
It's just good to know your
dreams don't end with me.
And even better? Your
dreams are just starting,
and there's no way I'm gonna let
you give up before you even begin.
I just picked an
impossible dream, you know?
Schmoopie...
All dreams seem impossible.
You've just got to put in the work.
Seeing that our mom wasn't
afraid to follow her dreams
made Erica realize that her
own dreams weren't so scary.
And with that, my sister was
able to find her voice again.
♪ Clock strikes upon the hour ♪
♪ And the sun begins to fade ♪
♪ Still enough time to figure out ♪
♪ How to chase my blues away ♪
♪ I've done all right up 'til now ♪
♪ It's the light of day ♪
♪ That shows me how ♪
♪ When the night falls ♪
- ♪ Loneliness calls ♪
- Hey.
I, um, read your essay.
Let me guess. I'm a moron
for telling the truth.
You really are, but I loved it anyway.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. It moved me.
Why? All I did was talk about
getting my heart shattered
and how this year was a total waste.
Barry, what you wrote
was honest and real,
and it shows how much you've grown,
and that's more important than anything
you can put on some
stupid college résumé.
Important enough to get me into Tufts?
You know, I think it's time we
stop worrying about all that stuff.
But I know college is the
only thing you care about.
You know, there's one thing
I care about more... you.
And that day, Barry figured out that
as long as you're true to yourself,
you'll be successful anywhere you go.
Buckle up, baby.
God knows what kind of
drivers are out today.
Good news is you got
us that new stop sign.
Wasn't easy, you know.
Well, for you, it was.
You could've been a lawyer.
♪ Oh, I wanna dance with somebody ♪
♪ I wanna feel the heat with somebody ♪
♪ Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody ♪
♪ With somebody who loves me ♪
Boom! Got it. Add master of all
cubes to my college résumé.
I never thought I'd say these
words, but I'm incredibly impressed.
Dude, it's easy. I just
bought a bunch of other cubes
and peeled off the stickers.
- Oh, so you cheated.
- Of course I did!
You suck, Mr. Rubik!
I cannot wait 'til everyone forgets
about you and your stupid toy.
Mark my words, that
toy is more than a fad.
Rubik and his cube will be here forever.
I get the appeal now.
didn't go into an office
but she did have an important job,
getting the Goldbergs'
day off and running,
and it all started
with a hearty breakfast.
Ghostbusters cereal for
my little Marshmallow Man.
Crunchin' makes me feel good!
Triple protein, quadruple egg,
and quintuple cheese
omelet for my grizzly Barry.
My body will turn all of this
into muscle immediately. Watch.
Erica, Raisin Bran with
a prune juice chaser.
What's good for the heart
is also good for the bottom.
Gah, Mom! But also, thank you.
Bevy, which shirt do I like?
My mom was also our in-house stylist.
- Left hand.
- And which pants do I like?
- The ones you're wearing.
- That's why I put 'em on!
- I know what looks good.
- You really do.
Now go change your socks.
They're two different colors.
Oh, yeah. I'll be right back.
She was also our pharmacist.
Blood pressure, cholesterol,
heartburn, and dewormer.
Dewormer? What aren't you telling me?
Not for you, Dad, for Lucky.
Who's my little dumper?
And when she sent us off,
that's when my mom's work really began.
Yes, I'm calling about my
flight to Fort Lauderdale,
which might as well have been to hell
because that's what
my back and upper groin
have been in since we landed.
What does "TWA" stand for, anyway?
"The Worst Airline"?
You know what, Wayne? Just
connect me to your supervisor.
I'm gonna need to speak
to your supervisor, Lydia.
You know what? I need to
talk to your supervisor.
Just connect me to your supervisor.
Well, maybe your supervisor
feels differently.
Let me speak to someone higher.
Well, maybe your supervisor can help me.
You know what? I demand to
speak to your supervisor.
Oh, you're the CEO?
Well, then, I'm gonna need
two first-class tickets
and a mess of those little pretzel bags.
After cleaning,
couponing, and complaining,
my mom sped off to do
her favorite thing...
Shopping and errands.
Yep, Beverly Goldberg
was an unstoppable force!
Damn it!
What is wrong with you?
Nobody stops at that stop sign!
It was March 6th, 1980-something,
and, after weeks of
mending a broken heart,
my brother was finally ready
to get back to normal life.
Buenos dias, jota-te-pe!
- Jota-te-pe!
- Are we doing Spanish now?
Elshut up-o, Mateo Bradley!
Gentleman, I know I've been distracted
by the whole Lainey drama,
but fear not, JTP.
I'm once again ready
to sit upon my throne
as your unstable leader.
My first decree,
we shall playeth Smashball.
Ooh, we'd love to, but it's crunch
time for college applications.
Oh... Right.
College.
We are seniors,
so that would be happening
right around now, wouldn't it?
Dude, don't tell us
the whole Lainey thing
distracted you from applying to college.
No!
Don't be so stupid, Matt Bradley!
- But I didn't even say...
- Bup-bup-bup-bup!
Just out of curiosity,
tell me everything about
this application process
so I know you're doing it right.
Well, we've really been beefing
up our extra curriculars.
Naked Rob is an Eagle Scout.
It's the highest level of Boy Scout
and the lowest level of cop.
Andy's a youth basketball coach.
Which is cool 'cause I'm
taller than all of 'em.
And Matt Bradley's in
the Big Brother program.
Jeremiah really stole my heart.
And I think also my car keys.
And I'm the treasurer for the Model UN.
It's really stressful, so
all my armpit hair fell out,
but it'll all be worth it
if it impresses Dartmouth.
It's good to see we're all preparing.
Therefore, there's no reason to panic.
Excuse me.
I'm freaking out, man!
Is that squirrel taunting you again?
Apparently, I got so swept up in
not getting married to Lainey,
I forgot about the whole
"getting into college" thing!
Did you say "college"?
I heard "college."
Don't screw this up, moron.
Where did he come from?
Dad, you gotta back off.
I don't even know where
I want to go to school!
That's where I can help.
Okay, I need you to focus up here,
'cause picking a school is not
something you just rush into.
- Done. I'm going to Tufts.
- Moron!
You don't just open up a book
and pick out some random school
and say, "That's the one."
- But it just makes sense.
- Why?
'Cause its name is Tufts,
and I'm basically the
toughest man in the world.
- Tufts, fine, done.
- Really?
Hey, even if you got there
the dumbest way possible,
Tufts is still a great
school, so I'm good.
So did we just decide where
I'm applying to college?
My son's going to Tufts! Hoo-hoo!
While Barry was getting
excited about his dream college,
my mom was just trying
to calm her nerves.
I've been saying it since the
first time I ran that stop sign,
that intersection is an
accident waiting to happen,
and it's high time
Mama fixes the problem!
You could've been seriously hurt!
How? I wasn't even there.
- But you could've been.
- That's true.
And, God forbid, you could've
gone through the windshield
like a delicious,
little sack of potatoes,
and, God forbid, a piece of glass
- could have lodged in your brain!
- Oh, no!
Thank God the shard got lodged
in a place where you're fine,
- and they don't need to operate.
- Thank God.
But, God forbid, 20 years from now,
you could sneeze, and boom!
The shard shifts, and you're a veggie.
But I sneeze all the time!
This is a parent's worst nightmare,
and it's all because
of a stupid stop sign!
- What's going on?
- We're making the very gut-wrenching decision
about whether or not
Adam should have surgery
to remove the glass in his
brain from a car accident.
Oh, my God! What do we do?
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me
clarify. Adam's fine.
We need another stop sign
at the end of the block.
What? Are you kidding me?
I almost gave Adam a hug.
I know, baby. We're all scared,
but Mama will fix this.
I'm gonna take this case to City Hall.
I don't know if you know this,
but I could have been a lawyer.
I think you've said it
once or twice before.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've been a lawyer.
I could've... been a lawyer.
I could've... been a lawyer!
- I guess that rings a bell.
- It should,
'cause that bell rings constantly.
Well, as the lawyer I could've been,
I'm going to collect
evidence to support my case.
Adam, I need you to make a video
documenting how truly dangerous
that intersection really is.
Yes! I'll get right on it!
Uh, what's my budget for the project?
Schmoo, can you just film
the intersection for me?
Challenge accepted!
I won't let you down!
As my mom was lawyering up,
Barry and my dad were getting
down to the business of college.
Okay, let's go over what
you need to get into Tufts.
Besides just being super tough?
Uh-huh.
All right, first, your grades.
Oh, okay, you squeaked
out a B-minus in English.
Wow! Straight A's in math and science.
All that math stuff just clicks,
but English not good much.
Well, it looks like I'm gonna
have to help you with your essay.
Or... We freestyle my
essay. Check it out.
♪ Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs ♪
♪ Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs ♪
♪ Yo, Tufts I got the right stuffs ♪
You're just repeating the
same thing over and over.
I got stuck in a rap loop. I'm sorry!
Okay, that does not help.
We really gotta wow 'em
with your extra curriculars.
- All right, let me see your résumé.
- Boom!
All you wrote down was "left-handed"
and that you're an Aries?
That's not exactly "boom" material.
That's all I got.
And technically, I'm a Pisces,
but I don't want to be no stupid fish.
Damn it! All you had to do
was play an instrument
or volunteer somewhere,
- and you did nothing!
- I know!
I'm not Tufts enough.
Relax, moron.
We'll just give your
résumé a little padding.
You mean lie?
Think of it like your
mother's shoulder pads.
She wears them
even though she still
has shoulders, right?
I bet she does.
So you're telling me you're okay
with shoulder padding my résumé?
I would do anything to
get you into college.
- Come on.
- I'm serious.
This is legitimately the
most important thing to me.
So you're telling me you
would spend every cent you have
- if it would mean getting me into a good college.
- Yes.
- What if you had to wear pants at all times?
- Yes.
- What if the Eagles never, ever won again?
- Yes.
What if the only way was for Tom
Selleck to shave his mustache?
Too far! You hear me?
You leave Selleck's
mustache out of this!
While my dad and Barry
were formulating a plan,
my mom was putting her plan into action.
Hello, Mr. Schnitz. I'm
not sure you remember me.
Oh, I remember you. You're
the lady that comes in here
demanding I help you
because I'm city comptroller.
Exactly. And things have
gotten out of comptrol.
Again, I think you gravely misunderstand
the reach the comptroller has.
Well, if you can't comptrol
this city, then who can?
You realize I am just an accountant?
- And I am holding you accountable.
- Just tell me what you want.
I'd like you to take comptrol
of a traffic situation
heretofore known as
Goldberg v. Jenkintown.
Ma'am, this is just an
office above a tuxedo shop,
not a court of law where
I can make any real...
- Exhibit A.
- Okay, sure.
This is the intersection in question.
Note that there are only two stop signs,
but by the time I rest my
case, there will be four.
- Exhibit B.
- Exactly how many exhibits are there?
Behold, a scale model
of our neighborhood.
And please note Exhibit C.
These are shards of windshield
that almost had to be
removed from my son's brain.
- Oh, my God, that is horrib...
- We decided not to operate
- because he wasn't actually in the car.
- What?
Don't worry, he's fine
and super talented,
which is why I tasked
him with Exhibit D.
All rise.
- I really don't want to.
- Overruled!
Again, this is not a
court... You know what? Fine.
- Motion to get this over with, then.
- You may be seated.
The year is 2033,
crime is at an all time high
and volcanoes are everywhere!
What is this? We agreed
you were only gonna film the stop signs.
Trust me. You need to hook
in the audience with a story.
The President's plane has
crash-landed in Jenkintown.
That's the forbidden sector.
Only you can help us!
Is that right, what I'm saying?
Even though I only have
one eye, I'll do it.
I'll save the President.
It's go time. Nothing will stop me!
The President blew up before
Snake could get to him.
The mission has failed.
I'm re... I'm really not
following the story...
- We need a stop sign.
- Okay.
Well, I did not understand any of that,
but I really would
like you not to be here,
- so I'm gonna give you that stop sign.
- So... I won the case?
You took comptrol of the courtroom.
- Which is my office, so, yeah, sure.
- Great!
So just, uh, bang the
gavel and make it official.
Well, I don't have
a ga... You know what?
- Let me just do this Fanta can.
- Ah!
We won the big case! Amazing!
- How did I play?
- Not great, but Mom was on fire.
I gotta admit, even if the whole
thing is aggressively pointless,
it's kind of cool you
actually made a difference.
You know, this is
really important to me,
- and I am damn tired of your sass mouth!
- No sass.
I know how hard it
is to get things done.
I mean, I've been working on one
song for the last three months,
and so far, all I've got is...
♪ Something, something, something ♪
♪ And your friend Andre ♪
And that is not good.
- I mean, who the hell is Andre?
- I think it's catchy.
Point is, I'm proud of you.
Oh, thank you, Boopie,
and you know what?
I've made a decision.
I am going to realize my
potential as a potential lawyer.
- Oh, my God, are you serious?
- You're damn right I am!
Beverly Goldberg's gonna be a lawyer!
Once my dad found out Barry's
college résumé was light,
he made it his mission to bulk it up.
The trick is to take a nugget of truth,
and you spin it a little. You
do play a lot of sports, right?
Hockey, wrestling, football.
Moron, if you played a bunch of sports,
why aren't any of them
on your college résumé?
A variety of reasons, but mostly
'cause of unsuccessful tryouts.
So you played all
three for a little bit,
so you're at least a
three-letter varsity player,
- and an MVP.
- I never won MVP.
You never won Most Valuable Player,
but "MVP" could stand for anything.
Like Magic Velvet Pants?
Who wins Magic Velvet Pants?
I don't know. A genie?
- Should we put down that I'm a genie, too?
- Let's move on.
So we covered sports.
What about community service?
I guess I am in the community
when I'm walking around the community.
Wow, sounds like you're the
head of a neighborhood watch.
And I do shout at dogs sometimes.
Seems to me that you
train service animals.
I think I'm getting the hang of this,
like that one time I
played checkers with Pops.
I was basically volunteering
with sad, old veterans.
- Perfect, throw more at me!
- And with that,
my dad spun all of my brother's
antics into résumé gold.
- His bad BMX-ing became...
- School cycling team.
- Goofing off in the gymnasium became...
- Gymnast!
Trying to eat an apple
in one bite became...
Head of the Isaac Newton Society.
- Doing whatever this is became...
- Gravity experiments elective.
- Just walking became...
- Hall monitor!
His lifelong obsession
with Donkey Kong became...
Unpaid assistant to a primate physician.
- And dressing as a pirate became...
- Pirate!
Wow, I've led an incredibly rich life.
You're damn right you have.
Hoo-hoo! I'm a good dad!
While my dad was feeling
confident about Barry's future,
my mom was getting ready to change hers.
Good morning, your
honorable smush bottom!
Looking good, Mom!
That's because today is the first day
of your mama bear's journey
to becoming a trial lawyer.
Well, I know you can do it.
I mean, who's better
at arguing than you?
Well, I did get this suit at half price
because of a smudge on the shoulder,
which I put there and later removed.
And those are the kind
of questionable morals
- that will make you an ace attorney.
- Thank you.
Okay, so here's what it
takes to become a lawyer.
First, you'll have to
get ready for the LSATs.
Well, I can LSAT or L-stand.
I can do it all.
- Seriously, what is that?
- It's the Law School Admissions Test,
which takes about four
months to prepare for.
And after that, you apply to
law school, which is three years.
Even for a proven legal eagle like me?
I mean, I could've been a lawyer.
- That's got to count for something.
- It doesn't. Moving on.
So after you graduate,
you'll have to pass the bar.
Another test? I just took the "L" one.
And then you'll get hired
at a firm and be an associate
and work your way up the ladder until...
- Eh, Mama's out.
- What?
I... I think I'm okay just
knowing I could have been a lawyer.
How can you possibly know that
if you gave up after two minutes?
Well, when you think about it,
I already kind of am a lawyer.
Except you're not a lawyer,
because you did nothing to become one.
According to the show L.A. Law,
anyone can represent
themselves in court,
so that kind of makes me a lawyer.
No, it makes you a person who
wants to be a lawyer but isn't one.
If I can defend myself in court,
then you can, Daddy can, anyone can.
So when you think about it,
doesn't that make us all lawyers?
That is an incredibly
dumb way to think about it.
Hey, I could've been a lawyer,
so you show me the respect
I could've deserved.
Read it and weep, suckers.
- What's this?
- Oh.
Just the best college
résumé ever assembled.
Three-letter varsity athlete?
Captain of the diving team?
Geology club? Dude, you
didn't do any of these things.
It says you're the
treasurer of the Model UN?
I once gave that foreign
kid who smells like beets
a quarter to buy a donut,
so that pretty much makes me
official treasurer of the Model UN.
Except you're not 'cause I am!
In the name of Luxembourg,
I declare war on your lies!
We don't have a real army, so
it's more of a symbolic gesture.
Guys, relax.
- It's not like I'm hurting anyone.
- Yes, you are!
What if your lies get you
into a school over one of us?
- Is that fair?
- Okay.
You're clearly feeling a
lot of emotions right now,
which I can help you with
'cause I'm a peer counselor
and a certified youth minister.
This is super not cool or chill, man.
Oh, come on, Matt Bradley!
Where did that come from?
Come on, guys!
- JTP...
- JTP!
J...
- ... TP.
- While Barry was feeling guilty
about achieving his college dreams,
Erica was hell-bent on getting
my mom to reach for hers.
There she is, ready
to fold my intimates.
Put down the basket. We need to talk.
Erica, it's fine. I don't
need to be a real lawyer.
Okay, forget law,
but there's so many other
things that you're good at,
so let's pick one of those
and make it your thing.
- Okay, like what?
- I'm glad you asked, because I made this...
A list of potential dream jobs
tailored to your very talents.
For instance, diplomat.
Well, I do have a way of helping people
- to get what I want them to think they want.
- Exactly.
And that's just one of
many exciting options.
What about fashion designer?
Mmm, my clothes are purely for fun.
I don't want to take the joy out of it.
Or you could be a gastroenterologist.
Speaking of which, how did that
fiber-rich breakfast work out, hmm?
Gah, I have so many futures
for you on this board.
Just pick one and do it!
Enough. I'm fine just
doing what I do, okay?
- I don't need some fancy job.
- Yes, you do!
Because if you give
up on being a lawyer,
which is actually doable,
then what does that mean for
me making it as a musician?
Erica, me saying "I
could've been a lawyer"
- has nothing to do with you.
- Of course it does!
I dropped out of college just like you,
which means I'll just end up being a mom
who constantly tells her ungrateful kids
that "I could've been a rock star."
I don't know whether to
be offended or worried,
- but I don't like either feeling.
- But it's true.
Becoming a lawyer is hard,
and you gave up on it,
like, shockingly fast.
And the truth is...
I'm doing the same thing with my music.
Ever since Lainey left...
I haven't sung a single note
or written any music or
even touched my keyboard.
Schmoo, you've got it all wrong.
I gave up on being a lawyer 'cause
that was never really my dream.
Then why do you always say it?
'Cause it sounds better
than my real dream,
which is being a mama.
I'm living my dream.
If music is yours, you
can't just give up on it.
I already have.
After my brother talked to the JTP,
he was starting to have some
doubts about his résumé.
Unfortunately, my dad had none.
Dad, I just finished my college essay,
and I think we should
have a little talk.
- Oh, you should have a talk, but not with me.
- Huh?
I've got an alumnus from Tufts here,
and he's gonna interview you.
Remember my pal Formica Mike?
Your furniture nemesis?
I got his mom a great
deal on a water bed,
- so he owes me. But...
The JTP got me thinking,
maybe shoulder-padding my résumé...
... isn't the most honest thing.
I don't care what the PYT thinks.
You go in there and lie and
make your dad proud. Come on.
Here he is...
The future of Tufts!
Murray, you may be right, if
this résumé is to be believed.
And it is! I'm gonna get
you guys some cookies.
Hydrox, if you got 'em!
Hydrox is the Oreo of our people.
Uh-huh. Listen, about my résumé...
Oh, your résumé, my gosh.
This is something special.
How does one person find the time?
"How does one person do all
that stuff in one year," you ask?
Well... Don't. Don't ask.
Okay.
Wow, there's so much here.
Uh, you're an "unpaid assistant
to a primate physician."
W... well, I love monkeys,
- so what's it like to work with them?
- It's good.
- Care to elaborate?
- Uh, they love throwing barrels and stuff.
- Barrels?
- Yeah, it's annoying,
'cause you just got
to save your girlfriend
and then jump over rolling barrels,
but luckily, they break apart
when you whack 'em with a mallet.
We're talking about
Donkey Kong, aren't we?
Yes! I'm sorry.
It's a lie, all of it! I...
I don't deserve to be in Tufts.
He doesn't mean it.
He's just being a moron.
- I do mean it.
- So no Hydrox?
Look, I'm sorry I messed
up my whole senior year
and focused on the wrong things,
but I won't lie my way into college.
I was promised Hydrox.
That's why I wanted
you to read my essay.
It's not pretty, but it's real.
It's about what really
happened this year, and...
If the truth isn't
good enough for Tufts,
then I'll just have to live with it.
Whoa, what's all this?
I figured it was time
to pursue a new dream.
I thought you said being
a mom was your dream.
And it is.
But you were right.
What kind of example would I be setting
if I just gave up on
all my other dreams?
These are just recipes.
- I've decided to write a cookbook.
- Oh, my God, yes!
I pitched you diplomat and not
cookbook? What is wrong with me?
Nothing! You still got me here!
- So, thank you, Boopie.
- No need to thank me.
It's just good to know your
dreams don't end with me.
And even better? Your
dreams are just starting,
and there's no way I'm gonna let
you give up before you even begin.
I just picked an
impossible dream, you know?
Schmoopie...
All dreams seem impossible.
You've just got to put in the work.
Seeing that our mom wasn't
afraid to follow her dreams
made Erica realize that her
own dreams weren't so scary.
And with that, my sister was
able to find her voice again.
♪ Clock strikes upon the hour ♪
♪ And the sun begins to fade ♪
♪ Still enough time to figure out ♪
♪ How to chase my blues away ♪
♪ I've done all right up 'til now ♪
♪ It's the light of day ♪
♪ That shows me how ♪
♪ When the night falls ♪
- ♪ Loneliness calls ♪
- Hey.
I, um, read your essay.
Let me guess. I'm a moron
for telling the truth.
You really are, but I loved it anyway.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. It moved me.
Why? All I did was talk about
getting my heart shattered
and how this year was a total waste.
Barry, what you wrote
was honest and real,
and it shows how much you've grown,
and that's more important than anything
you can put on some
stupid college résumé.
Important enough to get me into Tufts?
You know, I think it's time we
stop worrying about all that stuff.
But I know college is the
only thing you care about.
You know, there's one thing
I care about more... you.
And that day, Barry figured out that
as long as you're true to yourself,
you'll be successful anywhere you go.
Buckle up, baby.
God knows what kind of
drivers are out today.
Good news is you got
us that new stop sign.
Wasn't easy, you know.
Well, for you, it was.
You could've been a lawyer.
♪ Oh, I wanna dance with somebody ♪
♪ I wanna feel the heat with somebody ♪
♪ Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody ♪
♪ With somebody who loves me ♪
Boom! Got it. Add master of all
cubes to my college résumé.
I never thought I'd say these
words, but I'm incredibly impressed.
Dude, it's easy. I just
bought a bunch of other cubes
and peeled off the stickers.
- Oh, so you cheated.
- Of course I did!
You suck, Mr. Rubik!
I cannot wait 'til everyone forgets
about you and your stupid toy.
Mark my words, that
toy is more than a fad.
Rubik and his cube will be here forever.
I get the appeal now.