The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 16 - Episode #6.16 - full transcript

Back in the '80s,
I had my fair share of tormentors,

and no one did it better
than my main nemesis...

sax-wailin', pony tail-rockin'
Johnny Atkins.

Yep, he made my life miserable.

Later, nerd losers. Eat my butt.

I feel threatened, and I want
to punch your face off.

And, thanks to shop class,
I had to see a lot more of him.

Hey, Goldberg.

Whatcha workin' on there, man?
Looks super cool.

Your interest excites me,

but I'm also certain that this exchange

will end in a dead leg,
swirlie, or both.

C'mon, I have a curious soul.

Please, share your wooden gift with me.

Really? Okay, are you familiar with

the fantasy action film "Highlander"?

I am not. Tell me more!

Well, it's about a race
of immortal swordsmen

who clash throughout history,

and it stars French action heartthrob
Christopher Lambert!

Sounds rad!

I wish there was a way
I could partake in the joy

and delight it's given you!

- I actually have the tape right here!
- Nice!

Could you put it down on the table

so I can take a better look?

You bet.

Atkins, unacceptable!

Goggles on when you use that machine.

Aw, man, I helped you do it!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was February 20th, 1980-something,

and my dad had just laid eyes
on the perfect parking spot.

Ah, here we go.

Whoa, did you see that?!

- That schmuck just stole my space!
- Oy vey.

Please don't get into
one of your parking battles.

Look, there's an open spot right
back there. Just go take it.

You really want to put my dead toe

through three more spaces of walking?

In that moment,

Pops and Barry braced
themselves for one of my dad's

epic parking-spot screaming
matches... or hug?

Oh, it's so good to see you!

Wait, it must be an old friend.

Bink. A jinga, a janga...

What you're saying is impossible.

My dad only has two friends
in this world...

Bill Lewis and the mailman. That's it.

Hoo! There he is!

There's my friend Kormy!

- Kormy?
- Yeah, Steve Korman,

one of my best friends
from Central High.

Wait, you had friends?

I had a whole group of friends
back then.

- We were called The Jokers.
- That's just like the JTP.

How come you never see
these guys anymore?

Kormy lives in Lancaster now.

- That's way too far.
- Too far?

You once drove out to Delaware

just to get a crab hoagie.

That was a good hoagie.

- Yeah, it had crab in it.
- Dense crab.

And that bread was delicious.

I remember that trip.

Yeah. Crab.

Dude, forget the crab.

If Kormy's your friend,
you gotta go see him!

High school friends are nice,

but then life happens, and you move on.

No, the JTP will always be
inseparable blood brothers

that will be together forever.

Pops, back me up here.

How's about we take a drive
and talk about it?

Maybe down to that crab place.

All right, enough with the crab!

We're going to Delaware!

As Barry feared losing his best friends,

I was still dealing with my worst enemy.

Dude, can you move?

Urkel's about to question
whether he did that.

Just gimme a sec.

I gotta find a blank tape
so I can record "Highlander."

Wait, I bought you that movie
for your half birthday.

What happened to that tape?

Uh, I kinda thought
it was a piece of wood

and sawed it in half?

Schmoo, you gotta be more careful.

Yesterday you lost
the lunch money I gave you

for square pizza day.

- Forgetful me.
- And the day before that

you got your underpants
caught in your locker,

and they got wedged way up

- in the crack of your little tushie.
- Ew, stop.

Clearly, someone's picking on the kid.

Gah, fine! It's Johnny Atkins!

It's 'cause I'm not in school
to protect you anymore, dummy.

- Protect me?
- Protect him?


All those years while
you went about your days

blissfully unscathed,

I was working in the shadows,

ensuring that no one laid a finger

on your delicate,

- under developed little bird body.
- What?

But I just figured I was
generally accepted and liked!

Oh, God, no.

Well, I guess it's up to Mama to fix it.

Mom, hear my words.

This is the one thing on the planet

you cannot fix for me.

Schmoo, when you were little,

there was always a mean bully at school

and like always, Mama fixed it.

- How?
- Easy!

- A play date.
- A play date?

- Works every time!
- I don't need a play date.

I just need to handle this on my own.

Fine, if that's what you really want,

I have no choice but
to respect your wishes.

Sup, Goldnerd?

She did not in any way
respect my wishes!

Can we start this play date already?

Friday nights are when
I deep-condition my ponytail.

Then why did you agree to this?

I didn't.
Your smoking hot mom forced me.

It's true.

I cornered him in that park

where all the boys and girls
go to study in their cars

and said that I'd scratch
his Celica with a wine opener

if he didn't agree to a play date.

Totino's Pizza Rolls?

Leave the pizza rolls and go!

Oh, I'll just take out the trundle bed

in case you want to sleep over,

Ha, even your room is nerdy!

Can't wait to tell everyone at
school your bed has a baby bed.

Turns out it's impossible
to have a play date

with someone you have
nothing in common with.


Goonies never say die!

Do Goonies ever say,
"You're a turd farmer?"

That's a no on the board games.

Ooh! You like "Ghostbusters"?

Check it out. I got the Ecto-1 Autobot!

How about we make
a stop-motion animation

where it transforms?

How about I transform
my foot up your butt?

How about I just play a movie

so we don't have to interact at all?

Now we're talking.

What dumb-ass thing is this?

Hello? It's "Highlander"?

We talked about it in shop class?

You're in my shop class?

Yeah, let's just watch in silence.

Lucky for me, "Highlander"
is so ridiculously badass,

even Johnny Atkins couldn't
deny its awesomeness.

There can be only one.

Dude, this movie is the best!

Sword fighting! Queen music!

Sean Connery rockin' a pony tail!

Is this play date actually working?


Man, I'd give anything to be immortal,

see all of history unfold
before my very eyes, you know?

You'd also have to watch
all the people you love die.

So really, it's a gift and a curse.

- Whoa.
- I know, bro.

Hey, what if there was a way
to find other people

who like "Highlander"

and then we all meet regularly
to talk about it?

- Like a club?
- Hell yeah!

Boys, it's way too late.

If you're not gonna settle down,

Johnny's got to sleep downstairs.

- No, no! We're going to bed!
- I'm, like, already asleep.

And so I had a new friend.

Meanwhile, Barry was trying
to lock his down forever.

- JTP?
- JTP.

Graduation is 12 weeks away,

which is why I've planned 12
weekends of JTP shenanigans

- to cement our friendship.
- Awesome!

- Yeah!
- Dude!

I'll do anything if it's in a calendar!

That's just the beginning,
'cause I also mapped out

the next 12 months of our lives.

Wait, 12 months?

Won't we all be in college then?

Welcome to our futures.

We're gonna visit
each other every weekend,

and, on Thursdays,
we'll have a conference call

from 7:00 p.m. 'til question mark.

Bro, I totally want to
hang out next year, too,

but this feels very intense.

Then hold onto your tiny,
flea-sized hat, Andy!

'Cause I also mapped out
the next 12 years.

- Uh-oh.
- Dude.

It's in a calendar, so I gotta do this!

But wait. Behold the next 12 decades.

First, we'll all find wives,

get married in a five-way wedding,

and each have four kids.

Except for Naked Rob,

because he doesn't have
parental instincts,

but will be the cool uncle
to our lousy rugrats.

I do have an uncle vibe,

but you can't map out our whole lives.

Yeah, I don't think my future wife

is gonna like any of this.

You can tell that nasal-voiced nag

to put a sock in it, Andrew!

- Hey!
- You don't get it.

If we don't do this,

the next time we see each other

will be in a mall parking lot
10 years from now.

Look, Bar, we appreciate
all your unnecessary energy,

but we can't commit
to the next 12 decades,

so, hasta luego?

Don't you dare swear at me,
Matt Bradley!

While Barry was worried about
his buddies drifting apart,

one movie had brought together
my geeky pals

and Johnny's way cooler band of friends.

Thanks for coming to
the Highlander Club.

I see some new faces to the
after-school activities scene.

When do we get the big knives?!

I wanna cut someone for real!

Love that spirit,
but let's walk before we run.

First, we watch the movie,

then we our pick our roles,

and divvy up scenes to re-enact!

- Pass.
- I'm out.

Yeah, I wish you all the best.

No, screw your safety. Let's just fight!

But then all this club will be

is a bunch of people
hitting each other with...

- Ow!
- Extracurricular activities are fun!

- Ha ha, that is fun!
- I'm back in!


Hey, why are there children
in my wood shop

looking all eager and excited?

We're starting a Highlander
Club, and maybe you...

- Nah.
- Faculty advisors get a $35 stipend.

Then, as your advisor,

I advise you not to bother me
with stuff.

Yes! He has a laissez-faire
attitude about his role!

Let's go sharpen our swords
and really take our time.


Thanks a lot, dude.

You gave all the jerks in school weapons

and a scheduled time to beat us.

I know what I did, Dave Kim,

but maybe it won't be
as bad as we think.

Oh, balls!

Let's shake the nerd trees
and see what falls out.

Adrenaline got me up here,
but I can't sustain it!

Come to Mama, Dave Kim.

Do you think this is
one of those situations

where she's mean to me
because she really likes me?!

I don't think so, pal!

What's the plan here, guys?

My hands and legs are fatigued!

Wait, I got it!

Have any of you seen

the gymnastics action movie "Gymkata"?!

Screw you and your movies!

That's why we're in this mess!

Trust me!

We just have to swing to each other

using our core strength

and then form a human bridge to...


Ow! I was wrong!

It's not a situation where she likes me!


The JTP may have rejected
Barry's 12-decade plan,

but he wouldn't let that stop him.

Stop! Stop beat boxing, JTP.

I've figured out how we'll stay
friends forever.

Oh, God, not another plan.

Trust me. This one is so good,

even Andy's future joyless nag
of a wife can get behind it.

I realize there's only one
logical way to guarantee

we see each other all the time
when we're all grown up.

Liberty Seats at Veterans Stadium.

Liberty what?

An elite ticket membership
giving us access

to not one, not two,

but 300 nights of entertainment a year!

These seats offer everything!

The Eagles! Phillies!

That sport you play on ice
with the broom!

Strange religious events!

Local graduation ceremonies.

The Kensington Dog Show.

Michael Jackson, Jackson Browne,

James Brown, James Taylor,
and Taylor Dayne,

all for the low price
of 10 grand apiece.

10 grand? Dude, are you nuts?

I have $37.

My wife is gonna be so pissed.

Well, Andy, tell her to
go [bleep] herself.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- Whoa-ho-ho!
- Dude!

Look, we don't know what's gonna
happen after high school,

but that doesn't mean we're
gonna stop being friends.

You guys don't get it!

My dad had his own JTP,
and now, if they're lucky,

they only see each other every 10 years!

Bar, just because they
don't see each other,

doesn't mean we won't.

But their group was just like ours.

First off, there's five of them.

Whoa, that is just like us.

They called themselves The Jokers.

JTP also starts with a J!

Each of them had nicknames
based in truth!

One of 'em was called Tall Jake
'cause he was tall.

I'm Naked Rob and I like to get naked!

And the similarities stop there.

We got to get the Liberty Seats!

I was so against this five minutes ago,

but now I've never wanted anything more!

Guys, I might have a better idea

that won't cost us thousands of dollars

- and hours of our lives.
- That can't be true.

Everyone ignore Matt Bradley

and empty your wallets into my hands.


We're just freaked out
we're gonna drift apart

like your dad and his friends.

But what if we got them back together?

That's true.

If Barry's extremely off-putting father

can have lifelong friends,

then we for sure will, too.

This paper-thin logic
is oddly comforting!

Wow, Matt Bradley just
had his first good idea.

- Thanks maybe.
- JTP forever!

JTP forever!

As the JTP set off with a plan,

my mom's plan for a play date
had majorly backfired.

There's my Schmoo.

Ant on a log coming your way.

Save your logs, lady!

I've got a bone to pick with you!

Let me guess.

Play date backfired, and now
it's 10 times worse?


Thanks to Johnny,

a bunch of cool older dudes in school

have united to form a nerd hit squad.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Just let Mama fix it.

I'll invite Johnny
and the whole gang over

for a big group play date.

Group play date?

The crazy lady had to be stopped.

I had no choice but to leave
Johnny's Highlander Club

and start my own.

Hey, Mr. Crosby, you got a sec?

- Nope.
- Good.

With your permission,
we'd like to start a new,

second, more gentle Highlander Club.


What? Why not?

Because there can be only one!

Highlander Club.

M-Maybe there can be two?

Dude! You're starting your own club

based on the movie I introduced you to?

This betrayal will not stand!

My Highlander Club challenges
yours to a battle!

We have no club!

Mr. Crosby specifically said
there can be only one!

Actually, this challenge makes sense.

Like the epic conflict
between Connor MacLeod

and the fearsome
but misunderstood Kurgan,

you must both fight for "the prize."

You will fight only in the shadows,

never in woodshop!

Consider this holy ground

because I don't want
you touching my stuff.

If a sword touches your neck
or your lower head, you are out.

The last one standing

earns the right to lead
his own Highlander Club.

Or, maybe there can be two?

Nope, there can be only one!

Highlander Club.

See you in the hallways, dorks.

With that, the future of
the club was up for grabs,

and Barry was gonna reunite
our dad with his past.

Thanks for coming out with me
and the JTP

for my birthday, Dad!

Whatever you want, pal.

I definitely knew it was your birthday

because I'm a good dad.

There he is! Mur Man!

Kormy! What the hell?


It's devastating that
you don't know this,

but it's not my birthday!

We got all The Jokers back together!

You sons of bitches, how ya been?!

Better now that you're here, Smiles.

Did they just call your dad "Smiles"?

Looking good, Dancing Bruce,

or should I say
the honorable Dancing Bruce.

All rise to boogie!

Are they called The Jokers
'cause they're bad at jokes?

The Jokers!

Morons, you did good.

That was the best night
I've had in a long time.

So, uh, when do you want
to see The Jokers again?

I don't know. Uh, maybe
I'll run into one of them

in a couple of years.

- And that's it?
- Yeah.

- But you had so much fun.
- Don't you want to do this more?

Yeah, maybe you guys should
start a bowling team.

Why do any of you care what I do?

Or a weekly barbecue.

Who are you? Who is this moron?

Geoff Schwartz.

You know my parents.
I'm dating your daughter.

Dad, if you only see your
friends once a decade,

they're not really your friends.

I don't know what to tell you.

Life goes on.

You get old, you get married,

your friends fall by the wayside.

Does he really not know me?

Erica, wake up!
It's the middle of the day!

- We need you!
- Leave me alone. It's Sunday.

It's Thursday.

Ooh, I missed a job interview
this morning.

Guess the universe doesn't want me

to be a sandwich artist.

You know what the universe does want?

For you to protect me like the old days

when I was safe and free.

But it doesn't teach you anything.

C'mon, it's time you finally learn

to stick up for yourself.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

I don't need hollow words.

I need you to ball up your fists
and wreck some fools!

Dude, you can't just rely on other
people to fight your battles.

Does someone need to rely on me
to fight his battles?

See? You either stand up and fight

or face a lifetime of play dates.

Play dates obviously.

- Obviously.
- Yeah.


My groggy sister may have
no purpose or prospects,

but she's right.

We have to fight back

'cause we have something

that Johnny Atkins
and his crew don't have.

- All their baby teeth?
- No.

- A crush on their cousin?
- No!

- Their very own fern?
- No!

- A mama who will fix it?
- No!

We are all skilled with the blade.

I myself have a lifetime of
training with a lightsaber.

You also have a mama who will fix it.

Mikey, Sirota, you both learned
a ton of stage combat

when you played Tybalt and Mercutio

in "Romeo and Juliet," right?

- Yeah.
- True.

And, Dan, your malnourished body

has less surface area to poke and stab.

My pediatrician is concerned.

Which is why you need
someone's mama to fix it!

Why are you not getting this?

Dave Kim, your turtleneck protects

your neck and extremities

in a way no one can penetrate!

That's neither true nor a skill,

but your confidence has me amped!

What just happened?

Adam finally realized

that my advice is better than yours.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to go cut my own hair.

There can be only one,

and it shall be the five of us! Wha!

- Rah!
- Aah!

Johnny Atkins!
Let our hour-long feud end here!

Fine! There can be only one!

Highlander Club.



Oh, no!

The nerds are super fired up
and have unwarranted confidence!

How is this happening?!

I'll tell you how.

While Johnny and his friends
spent their weekends partying

and living it up,

me and my friends spent our time

swinging around lightsabers

and perfecting our stage combat
moves for drama club.

That fateful day,

being geeks all our lives
had finally paid off.


- Do you yield?
- Totally.

Dude, that's sorta my girlfriend!

Hey, Atkins.

Ow, dang it, man.

That slightly hurt for a second.

The club belongs to us,

which means you can go crawling back

to your charmed, awesome lives.

Wait, we can't be in your club?

Yeah, this was surprisingly fun.

Sorry, boys, enrollment is closed.

But I've never been kicked out
of anything before!

Wanna just go back to scoring
touchdowns and getting girls?

- Sure.
- That works.

What do I do with this stuff?

Having finally conquered my bully,

I came home to celebrate,

but there was one more battle
left to fight.

Greetings, aimless sister.

- Thy brother has returned a hero.
- Wow.

He thirsts for beer of the root.

Finally beat a bully,

and yet you're nerdier than ever.

Thank you.

You know, my whole life,
I've been hearing

"Mama will fix it,"

and a part of me... wanted her to.

Believe me, I really get it.

Well, thanks to you,
I finally think the days

of her getting involved
in my relationships are over.

You are in deep trouble, mister.

Shame on you for picking
on this poor boy.

Tell him, Mrs. G.

Dude, did you go to my mom to fix it?

I had no choice.

Your mean behavior made me feel

completely small and powerless.

Hello?! The minute Erica
stopped protecting me,

that's what you did to me!

- Schmoopaloo.
- Ba-bap!

I'm gonna fix it.

Look, you have a true, wonderful gift

for busting balls,

but you use it for evil!

All I did was show you how it feels.

But the difference is
I did all that stuff

before we were friends.

You think we're friends?

Well, yeah? Don't you?

If we're friends,

then why'd you take over my club?

Dude, it was our club,

but then you started
a new one without me,

and then you destroyed my old club,

and then Dave Kim stole my girlfriend,

and all my friends went back
to playing sports.


Guess I am the bully.

Maybe... we just call it even?

I got a bootleg of "Highlander 2."

Thought maybe we could check it out.

Oh, man, yes!

Prepare to be majorly disappointed.

Wow. Play dates do work.


You're a good daughter.

And an even better sister

for protecting Adam all those years.

I love the little nerd.

Just don't tell him that.

In the end, I didn't need my mom's help,

but it turns out my dad needed Barry's.

E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!

I thought you said

you were good for another 10 years?

Well, I had such a great time
the other night

that I wanted to see them again.

You happy?

Doesn't mean the JTP won't drift apart

like you guys did.

No, no, no. You guys won't

because you have the one thing
that we never had.


You care so much about your friends

that you got me back together with mine.

Everyone needs a friend like you, moron.

Thanks, Dad.

Thank you.

Barry had come up with a million ways

to keep the JTP together,

but, seeing my dad,

he realized all he needed was one.

Hey. I got you a little something.

What is all this?

I know it's not realistic

to map out the next 120 years,

but I can at least reserve
eight days a year.

That... sounds doable.


'Cause I'm gonna work
my ass off as a doctor

so I can buy five season tickets
to the Eagles games

for the rest of our lives.

Dude, are you serious?

JTP forever.

JTP forever.

- JTP forever.
- JTP forever.

Andy, your hand's so small.

Turns out the JTP really is forever.

To this day, they still go
to those Eagles games,

wear those same jerseys,
and laugh like the old days.

That's the thing about friendship.

Whether your lifelong pals
or a newly forged alliance,

in the end, whatever battles
and hardships you face,

you can do it together.

I'm here with the real Mike Levy
and Dave Sirota.

They've been friends with
the real Adam Goldberg

since childhood.

Now, this episode is about the
Highlander Club. Is it real?

Yes, we did this in high school.

It was a point of ridicule,

and then became a point of fascination,

and then it became
a full-fledged phenomenon.

The Highlander Club actually
did bring people together

at our high school.

We became friends with Corbett

through the Highlander Club.

We had the captain of the football team

all sword playing.

I particularly liked just saying,

over and over again,
"There can be only one."

- Rah!
- Aah!

What eventually happened
to the Highlander Club?

The Highlander Club
was forcibly disbanded

by the school administration.

I can't believe I'm in
an actual school club.

Yeah, now you finally have something

to put on your college résumé.


You blew it, Carla.

You'll rue the day you ever
picked Dave Kim over me.

I'm a potential college applicant now.

Um, yeah, right.

Davey K. respects me, listens to me,

and hides from me because I terrify him.

It's so hot.

Damn it!

I love her!

Tell me exactly what I got to do

to get into a fancy college

and become a rich,
international man of business.

I guess you can start by
going to the college fair

- they have every year.
- Too much work.

I'm out. Your advice sucks, Goldnerd.

I wish we never had that play date.