The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - The Wedding Singer - full transcript

Ah, the weddings of the '80s.

It was a night filled
with frilly dresses,

mustachioed bandleaders,

and embarrassing uncles
on the dance floor.

That's why I couldn't wait

for my brother to get married
to Lainey Lewis.

- We're getting married!
- Whoo!

And in my house, it was
all wedding, all the time.

There she is,

the woman who made the little devil

who's taking my angel.



And there's the man who once broke

one of our dining room chairs
'cause he sat down too fast.

You know, I know the bride's
side always does the planning,

but now that they picked a date
and it's coming fast,

I thought I would just check in,
make sure I'm on track.

Smart.

So, tell me about the florist.

Can't, 'cause there ain't one.

You've at least booked
a wedding singer, right?

Strike two!

Please tell me you booked a venue.

Of course.

I'm deciding between
the parking lot of my tile store

or nothing, 'cause there is no venue.



And so my mom sprang into
action and selflessly planned

the dream wedding she always wanted.

What the hell is all this?

Groom in the room! Everybody cover up!

This is not a drill!

Welcome to Wedding HQ.
Don't look at or touch anything.

I want it to be a surprise
on your big day.

Mom's sparing no expense,

so Dad will definitely
not be able to retire.

It's scary and hilarious.

We just finished our cake tasting,

and this is the one you like best.

Why the hell is there
a middle-aged blonde lady

between the bride and groom
on my cake topper?

I think you know why, pal.

Mom, this room is crazy!

This is all way too much.

Nothing is too much
for my curly-haired groom.

Which we're going to
feather back on the wedding day

to make you look just like
a masculine Farrah Fawcett.

I told you, me and Lainey
just want a small wedding

with a deejay and spaghetti bar.

Well, when it's your wedding,
you can serve spaghetti.

It is my wedding!

Let me explain exactly how this works.

I know exactly what you want, not you.

How is that even possible?

See, your body grew in my body,

transferring all your thoughts
and choices into me.

But I am me! I know what me wants!

No, I am you, and you want what I want.

That's ironclad logic from where I sit.

Man! This wedding's turning
into a whole thing, huh?

Yeah, 'cause it's a wedding.

You know, I had my doubts
this wildly misguided event

would even happen, but here we are.

Seems that way, but... nah.

- "Nah," what?
- "Nah" to getting married,

'cause I'm making a terrible mistake.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

It was January 9th, 1980-something,

and I had a wedding proposal of my own.

My one and only business card, fine sir.

"Adam F. Goldberg,

wedding videographer
and media consultant."

"$1,000 cash or equivalent
in Garbage Pail Kids."

What's a Garbage Pail Kid?

It's baseball cards
for kids who hate baseball.

Come on! Just hire me. We're family.

It's like the old saying...

"Always do business with family."

How can you even ask me to do this

after what you did
to cousin Susan's wedding video?

I'm sure I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Da party! Party!

Starring Adam Goldberg as the cameraman.

Also starring Susan.

Um, she's the bride.

It's Beverly... my mom.

Such good grub, man.

That is why I'm not hiring you.

It's true. Itzel eats so loud.
He's the worst.

Weddings are supposed to be
fancy and special,

not a showcase for
your stupid brand of stupid.

W-Wait, this is a wedding video?

No, no, Adam. No, no.

You're turning on me, too?

But you love my schtick.

A wedding is a no-schtick zone!

Oh, yeah?

Well, when I become

the most famous wedding
videographer in the world,

you'll both regret this moment
as long as you live.

I'm totally at peace with this decision.

While my dad and Pops
doubted my serious side,

Barry was having serious
doubts about his wedding.

I can't marry Lainey!

I'm just a dumb kid!

I still get super angry
when someone else gets a gift.

The wedding is weeks away,

and you're just realizing
you're an idiot now?

I always had a sense,
but now it's confirmed.

All this wedding stuff happened so fast,

I just couldn't figure out
how to stop it.

It happened fast because you said,

"Let's have a fast wedding!"

I only did that
'cause people said slow down.

But you proposed
and insisted on doing this.

That's only 'cause people
insisted I call it off.

But you picked a random date
that was alarmingly close!

That's 'cause people said
don't pick a date

until you know you're absolutely ready.

I had no choice. They boxed me in.

Dude, this is exactly why I told you

to not get a crush on Lainey
or ask her out or date her

or fall in love with her
or propose to her.

Which is exactly why
I did all those things!

Great, now you're gonna devastate her

and completely ruin my life!

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know this wedding
was all about you.

Of course it is.
Lainey is my best friend.

I dropped out of college
to start a band with her.

Now you're gonna break her heart

and drive her straight out of town.

You want me to get married
just to keep your band together?

- Could you?
- No!

Well, then, when you tell Lainey,

I got to be there to pick up the pieces.

Ooh!

Maybe we'll turn her heartbreak

into a hit song about falling in love

with a pasty sewer goblin
who broke her heart.

- I don't like that song.
- It isn't about you.

Now go break up
with your fiancée for me.

Lainey, please don't cry.

I love you more than anything!

Thank you so much for pulling the plug!

Oh, sweet Lord, thank you.

- What?
- Seriously?

I mean, when you proposed
under the stars,

it was super romantic, and I was like,

"Hell yeah, let's do this."

That's what I was like.

But then everyone said, like,

"You're too young. You can't do this."

And I was like,
"Suck it, family and friends.

I'll do it just to show you I can!"

That was exactly my train of thought!

But then everyone caved
and got on board,

a-and it all became too real,

and I was hoping you'd pull
the plug, but you didn't,

so I was like, "Oh, well,
this is my life, I guess."

I was like that, too!

I mean, I was freaking out

'cause marrying you would for sure

ruin my dream of becoming
a Hollywood rock superstar.

And I thought you were
gonna hold me back

from all my hopes and dreams!

Aww, babe! I love you so much
for not wanting to marry me.

- Yes!
- It was the perfect un-proposal.

Meanwhile, I needed the perfect way

to become a serious filmmaker.

Hey, is your mom around?

I just finished addressing
all the wedding invitations

'cause she was scary.

Wait, you're super sensitive.

I need to prove to my dad
that I can make

a wedding video filled with heart.

Tell me what I need.

Oh, man. I freakin' love weddings.

The vows, the toasts,

the little flower girl
dancing on her daddy's shoes,

the crusty, old great-grandfather

who willed himself to stay alive
just to see the beautiful day.

It's just too much, man!

Interesting, interesting.

Where do you land
on hilarious sound effects

or frequent skits where
I play both Hans and Franz?

Dude, the only funny thing
in a wedding video

should be the groom
jamming a piece of wedding cake

into the bride's mouth as she laughs,

but we all know that she is pissed!

Then I got nothing. I give up.

You know what your problem is?

You're obsessed with
making everything funny.

I mean, look at these posters.

Your room's like a museum
for dumb comedy.

Fine, Gene Shalit!
Then what should I be watching?

The classics that have real characters

and heart and drama.

I-I mean, look at this.

You have a poster for "Time Bandits"

and not "The Godfather."

Ugh. Not a fan.

Not a fan of the greatest movie
of all time?

I mean, I heard good things,
so I gave it a shot, but woof.

Total snoozefest.

So you really only watch comedies?

- That's what you're saying?
- No!

I also watch sci-fi and horror

and fantasy and sci-fi horror fantasy

and anything set at a wacky summer camp.

Dude, let me bottom-line this for you.

Stop filming silly stuff
and just focus on the heart.

That's it! I'll go to the man

who has more heart than anyone I know.

Pops!

Stop randomly pushing buttons.
I need your help.

And I need your help
to heat up this matzo brei.

Your mom made too big of a batch,

so I had her seal it in a baggie
so I could freeze it...

There's no time to tell me

the colorful history of that matzo brei.

I need a huge favor.

Okay, but it's a great story
from pan to plate.

Can you tell it fast?

No! I need stories,
but not about matzo brei.

You're gonna help me prove to Dad

that I can make a heartfelt video.

You want heartfelt?

I'll make it so there wouldn't
be a dry eye in the house.

Ooh!

Oy.

As my serious interview was on,

Lainey's dad had just been told

the sad news the wedding was off.

Sweet Moses on buttered toast!

Miracles do happen!

Maybe pull it back a little, Dad.

I can't help it.

I'm just so glad you're not
throwing away your future

on this boy-shaped bag of cheese.

That sounds like it was at my expense.

- For sure, buddy.
- This is going well.

To be honest, when I first met you,

I was not a fan.

And then I grew on you.

You have not.

But none of that matters now,

because you and I
are not gonna be family.

Get in here.

Ohh!

O-kay. We should wrap this up.

Time to go break the news to Bev.

Oh, you better hop to it.

She left this morning
to hire you a wedding singer.

Wedding singer?

Yep, Mom schlepped all the way to Jersey

to hire the hottest
party entertainer around.

Back then, there was
no better wedding singer

than Robbie Hart.

Holy God, this guy is
the best I've ever seen.

♪ Mazel tov ♪

- Ya, ya, ya!
- Ya, ya, ya!

Oh, wow!

Time to book me a wedding singer.

L'chaim!

Eat [bleep], Charles and Diana.

I'm throwing the wedding of the century.

In order to prove to my dad

I could make an emotional wedding video,

I began shooting my first-ever
serious interview.

All right, Pops.
I need emotion and heart.

Just look into the camera

and tell Barry and Lainey
everything you feel.

- Everything?
- Everything.

Barry and Lainey,

words can't describe
how I feel about you two.

Makes me think back to my own life.

I had no parents.

I had brothers who said,

"If you get married, we won't help you."

I had a rare condition.

My appendix burst inside
without causing me any pain.

I have one large scar across my abdomen

and one scar
all the way down my right side.

And I had my kidney...
one of my kidneys removed.

Can I erase that...
erase about the kidney?

That's all I have to say.

Uh...

cut?

That was fun. How'd I do?

We've had a lot of fun here.

Maybe too much. Let's stop.

Well, if you need anything else,
just let me know.

See you later, kiddo.

Dude, all you got to do

is show this tale
of personal devastation

to your dad, and the gig is yours.

You don't think I should
lighten it up a smidge?

You know, cut in a rim shot
or slide whistle?

Dig a few chuckles out of it.

Do not dig for chuckles!

Here's what I'm thinking.

Barry and Lainey,

words can't describe
how I feel about you two.

It just makes me burst.

Your love is so special.

So big.

- Thoughts?
- You got serious problems, man.

Your grandfather just bared his soul,

and now you want to fart it up?

I can't help myself. I can't
not make something funny.

It's the only way I can deal.

Deal with what?

With my life in this ridiculous family

and at school,
where I feel anxious and awkward

and desperately try to fit in!

And keyboard farts help you fit in how?

'Cause they make me happy.

That's what big, funny movies
and TV shows do for me.

They let me escape
and forget for a few lousy hours

that I'm lazy-eyed Adam Goldnerd.

Wow. That's really deep, man.
I had no idea.

I think we both know
what has to happen now.

No! D-Don't do it, man!

We connected! You got deep!

While I bailed on making serious videos,

my mom was still on a serious quest

to book Robbie Hart,
no matter where he was.

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♪

♪ And the feeling's right ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♪

♪ Oh, what a... oh, what a night ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♪

♪ Oh, what a night ♪

Chaka Khan!

Uh, hey, there. Hi.
I'm Beverly Goldberg.

I'm sorry to just barge in on you,

but it's kind of my thing,
and this is really important.

No bother.
It is ladies' night, after all.

Even though it's lunchtime.

What do you need?

Well, my boy-king
is taking a shiksa bride,

so I'm here to lock down Robbie Hart.

Robbie Hart? Oh, God, no. He's lost it.

Really? He was wonderful
at the Horowitz Bar Mitzvah.

And that's all he books,

ever since he tried to strangle
the father of a bride

with a microphone cord.

Lucky for you,

there's a new sheriff in wedding town,

and his name is Jimmie Moore!

Listen, you have a real bullish tenacity

that reminds me of me,

but this wedding
has to be perfect for me...

- for them.
- And it will be.

Seeing as I have no other choice,

I guess you're hired.

I'll need a non-refundable cash deposit.

Consider it non-refundabled!

- Mom!
- Barry!

I just non-refundably booked
our wedding singer!

About that... Barry has
something very important

he'd like to share with you.

Barry, speak now.

I just cannot wait for this wedding.

Lainey, anything I'm leaving out
that you'd like to say?

Only that I'm equally excited.

Barry, anything else
you want your mom to know?

That I appreciate her
more than anything.

Lainey, just tell her.

I... can't wait for you to be my mom.

Oh! Jimmie!

We'll see you on the dance floor.

Ohh!

Oh, God.

Now your mom just thinks we
totally love and appreciate her!

We made it so much worse!

Please help us not get married,
Mr. Wedding Singer.

Well, kids, I think we all know

there's only one mature option here.

Go through with the marriage

and live a painful life of what-ifs.

This sleazy guy we just met is right!

There's no going back!
This is our life now!

Let's get you two lovebirds married.

But Lainey didn't want that life,

so she turned to a guy
she knew could bail her out.

- Hey, pal.
- Gah!

It's me... Lainey.

Yeah, I know. W-What are you doing here?

I need you to help me make a
goodbye video to everyone I love,

'cause I can't tell them face-to-face

that I'm getting the hell out
of here and moving to L.A.

- So they have no idea?
- None.

- My dad doesn't even know.
- Why me?

You're the one who makes movies,
and this is

the most serious, important one
of your entire life.

I really think you got the wrong guy.

Dude, all you do is
make videos for your family.

- Now make one for me.
- Okay, then.

Challenge accepted

and most likely not completed correctly.

Hello, everyone Lainey loves.

Thanks for gathering
on such short notice.

I've prepared a plate of
Teddy Grahams and juice boxes.

Boopie, hurry it up.

The wedding's less than two weeks away,

and I still haven't booked
a swan wrangler.

Yeah, I'd put a pin in that
till you watch the video.

Mind you, it's a bit heavy,

so I lightened it up a smidge.

♪ You take the good, you take the bad ♪

♪ You take them both,
and there you have ♪

- ♪ The facts of... ♪
- ♪ Lainey ♪

- ♪ The facts of... ♪
- ♪ Lainey ♪

What the hell is this, moron?

Whatever it is,
I'm digging the theme song.

- ♪ ...you know about the facts of... ♪
- ♪ Lainey ♪

- ♪ The facts of... ♪
- ♪ Lainey ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

I'm not on a TV show yet.

What's happening?

Hey, guys.

Let me begin by saying
this is the hardest thing

I've ever had to tell anyone.

Once again, I couldn't handle

filming all that emotion,

so I added some laughs... literally.

If I don't give my dreams a shot now,

I know I'm gonna regret it forever.

Mrs. G, I know how much time and energy

you've put into this wedding,

and all I can say is, I'm sorry.

Erica, I don't know
what this means for our band,

but I do know with your talent,
there is nowhere you can't go.

Dad, I know this is

one of my more crazy,
impulsive decisions...

...but it's just something I have to do.

And, Barry,

what can I say?

I will always love you.

So, I guess that's it.

I love you all.

Dook on a doughnut! Lainey's gone?!

Tell me what happens
on the next episode!

I tried to tell her I was
the wrong guy for the project!

How could she leave?!
What about our band?!

What about my future daughter-in-law?!

What about my current daughter?!

What about all
my non-refundable deposits?!

Oh, poop! We got to talk
some sense into that girl.

- Where is she?
- Heading to the airport.

That's where the planes take off!

We got to get over there!

Or maybe we respect Lainey's wishes

and finally let her
spread her wings on her own.

Are ya happy, Geoff?
You just wasted 10 seconds.

I'm going to the airport.

I'm coming for ya, French fry!

Okay, everyone stop!

We all know who needs to do this.

Go.

Damn it, she's right.

Go bring her back to us, kid.

Sorry. I couldn't take it anymore.

- You got a problem.
- I really do.

Even though Lainey made the easy choice

to just cut and run,
Barry would never let

the love of his life
fly away without a fight.

Would you like the peanuts
or the pretzels?

She'll have the me.

Barry, what are you doing here?

Bro, switch seats with me.

I'm in first class.

Billy Idol's up there.

Sweet!

You're here? Seriously?

Look, I'm sorry I followed you.

Don't be.

I didn't say goodbye 'cause
I thought it would be easier,

but it just made me feel worse.

Well, the good news is,
you don't have to say it,

'cause I'm coming with you.

- Barry...
- I mean it.

Wherever you are, that's where I'll be.

Honestly, I wish it was that simple.

We both know you can't
just pick up and leave.

And we both know when it comes to you,

I'd do anything.

Right now, we're bringing
you some in-flight entertainment.

One of our first-class passengers

would like to sing you a song

inspired by one of our coach passengers.

Wait, what's Billy Idol talking about?

There's a whole thing going on up there.

♪ I wanna make you
smile whenever you're sad ♪

♪ Carry you around
when your arthritis is bad ♪

♪ All I want to do ♪

♪ Is grow old with you ♪

That's so sweet.

It really is.

♪ I'll miss you ♪

♪ Kiss you ♪

♪ Give you my coat when you are cold ♪

♪ Need you ♪

♪ Feed you ♪

♪ Even let you hold the remote control ♪

I wish that was us.

It is us.

No, these two are just...
so ready to be together,

to grow old together.

So are we.

Bar, we love each other,

but we're just two impulsive kids.

We have our whole lives ahead of us.

As much as I hoped this flight would be

the start of something huge for us,

I...

guess it really means goodbye.

For now.

Just... promise me

when the time's right...

you'll come back to me.

Promise.

♪ Oh, I could be the man ♪

♪ Who grows old with you ♪

♪ I wanna grow old with you ♪

In the end, it took
two strangers madly in love

to show Barry and Lainey

that instead of trying
to grow old together,

they had to grow up first.

Any luck, son?

No.

Aw, schmoopie.

That's okay, buddy.

Hey. Let's talk.

I know. I'm a moron.

I made you blow a ton of money on me.

I'll pay you back somehow, okay?

I don't care about the money.

I just care about you.

Truth is...

I know how hard this is for you.

You really don't.

You forget that I was engaged
to another woman

before your mother.

And like you, I was
young, stubborn, and stupid.

- And what happened?
- Lucky for me,

she knew in her heart
that we weren't ready,

and I took it hard.

I thought my life was over.

I get it.

But then I met your mom,

and I found out
my life was just beginning...

just like yours is.

Hey.

I, uh... I made you something.

I-I thought it might cheer you up.

Hey, don't come in here with
another dumbass comedy video.

Actually...

this time, I kept it real.

I-I think this is
the goodbye that Lainey wanted.

Barry and Lainey had
always been the one couple

everyone was rooting for.

Sure, they were mismatched,

but together,
their love just made sense.

That's why it was so heartbreaking

they never got their happy ending.

At least, not in this decade.

Lainey's life took some crazy turns,

but eventually,
their paths would cross again.

As for me, I had been
hiding behind jokes

and making silly movies,

but this very moment changed it all.

I learned that every story
needs a little heart.

And in my family, we had a lot of it.

Dunn-a dunna dun-a!

Da party! Party!

Starring Adam Goldberg as the cameraman.

We also have... Susan.

Also Beverly.

Oh, that's so good.

I had brothers who said,

"If you get married, we won't help you."

I had a rare condition.

My appendix burst inside
without causing me any pain.

I have one large scar across my abdomen

and one scar
all the way down my right side.

And I had my kidney...
one of my kidneys removed.

I only have one kidney now.

Maybe I shouldn't have said it.
Can I erase that...

erase about the kidney?

Can I erase that...
erase about the kidney?

I can't believe Pops actually
said all this on camera.

Yeah, this one's a keeper, all right.

Keeper? No, you got to erase that.

Come on. No one besides our family's

ever gonna see this crazy video.

If I were you, I'd just tuck it away

and then use it at
my actual wedding to Lainey.

Oh, God. Please don't go there.

I mean it. We will end up together.

Maybe not now, but...

who knows where we'll be
10 years from now?

As off-base as my brother usually was,

this time, he might've
been onto something.