The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Bohemian Rap City - full transcript

Back before you could buy

everything ever on Amazon and eBay,

you had to go to an
actual store to buy toys.

For me, the toy store was a sacred mecca

of my lifelong passion.

Even though I was getting older,

my toy obsession was for life.

Devastator's on sale? Score.


We just got in a new
shipment of Rock Lords.

I don't know what that
is, but I want them all.

They're GoBots that transform...

... into rocks.

A toy rock?

That defines fun.

Take all my lunch money.
Take it right now.

Oh, you're too late. I
knew these would be a

hot commodity, so I bought
every last Rock Lord.

Thanks a lot, suck lord.

- What'd you call me?
- Nothing.

Little did I know, my
trip to the toy store

was about to be overshadowed

by some major news.

Whoa! Kiddo, what you doing?

The Berlin Wall's coming down.

This is more important.

But there's freedom in Europe.

Nothing is as historical as this.

They're about to announce the deadline

for this year's shopping
spree at Toys "R" Us.

Yep, back in the day,
there was a contest

where one lucky kid got
five glorious minutes

to grab whatever they wanted,

and every year, I dreamed
that kid would be me.

It's simple. You just
send in a postcard,

and they choose one lucky winner

to run around a toy store and
grab anything they want.

It's bigger than that sports game

where the winner goes to Disneyland.

You know, I entered a
sweepstakes as a kid.

Won a big can of peaches.

Well, it wasn't that big.
It was a small can.

But a good peach is a real treat.

So you get my excitement.

Do you actually have a shot
at winning this toy thing?

I wish.

Last year, Dad only gave me enough money

for two lousy stamps.

I'll pay you twice that
right now if you leave.

Fine. But if I win, I'm not
grabbing you anything.

Pops, what would you like? Name it.

How about one of those backscratchers

your father loves?

Backscratcher? It's a toy store.

He's talking about this thing.

That's my Hot Wheels track!

No, don't rub that against your body.

Ah, damn it, I can't get it.

Al, come on and reach it.

Get no man's land. Come on.

- Is this good?
- Ahhh.

It was November 7, 1980-something,

and my sister and her band
were watching "Star Search."

Long before "American Idol,"
this was the one big show

that turned regular people
into overnight superstars.

We got to get on "Star Search."

I mean, it'll be the
fastest way to get famous

without having to do
any work whatsoever.

Yes! That idea is so perfect for us.

Then it's settled. We'll
win "Star Search."

You know, I've been secretly
second-guessing our decision

to drop out of college
until this very moment.

Now all we need is the
perfect audition song.

You know, I wrote a song
that may just do the trick.

"I Wanna Rock Your Body"?

Dude, I love this title! Let's do it.

And I love the rest of the words.

♪ I saw you cross the dance floor ♪

♪ And I know what you're looking for ♪

♪ I'm feelin' a bit naughty ♪

♪ I wanna rock your body ♪

Guys. I like what my ears are hearing.

That's the song you wrote
about rocking my body, right?

- What?
- Uh...

- What?
- Well, I mean, the body in the song

that's being rocked obviously
belongs to someone.

Who does the body belong to, Lainey?

- Barry.
- Barry?

My brother Barry?

My... My mother's son
Barry? Barry Barry?

Yeah, this is what you're singing about.

We are...

... never doing that horrible song.

Look, we agreed our band's a
democracy, so we vote on it.

Raise your hand if yes
to rocking Barry's body.

No! No, you do not get to vote.

You are not even in our band.

But my body is.

It's part of the band's musical legacy.

Erica, any way you swing
it, you're outvoted,

which means this is our audition song.

From the top.

♪ You're a sexy hotty ♪


I was forced to sing about
my brother's soft torso.

Okay, that's just wrong.

You should be singing
about my soft torso.

Stupid band democracy.
You know, for once,

I would love to sing on my own

without needing group permission.

Hey, no one ever said recording
a hit record was easy.

Oh, but it was,

thanks to the classic '80s
mall recording booth.

Whoa, what is that?

Hi, I'm John Calabasas,

and you're looking at Willow Grove's

first Professional Recording Booth

and Lip Sync Studio Palace.

Do you perchance dabble in
the art of vocal songestry?

Does she? She's in, like, the
best band in Jenkintown.

We're not. I mean, we're good.

Maybe the best. Whatever.

Look, I don't know you, and
I've never heard you sing,

but the second I heard
you mention anything

remotely connected to music,

I knew that I was looking at

a future rock-'n'-roll superstar.

No way. I mean, maybe. Sure, yes.

"Sure, yes" is right,

and I insist that you
come and record a demo.

So I've slashed my usual
rate of $500 a session

to the impossibly low
price of just $19.95.

That's such a deep discount.

This guy knows his math.

Look, I'm being financially
irresponsible over here,

but I really feel like this lady's voice

has got to be heard.

You're so amazingly
generous. She'll do it.

And just like that, Erica was
cutting her first real demo

in a mall, and she picked a real doozy.

♪ Mama, just killed a man ♪

Uh, I got to stop you.

So, you really can actually really sing.

Yeah, so?

So, I'm not used to hearing people sing

like actual singers.

Like I said, she's in an awesome band.

They may even be on "Star Search."

"Star Search" the TV show?

Well, it's a possibility.

Okay, look, I'm gonna be
half-honest with you guys...

before, when I said you're gonna
be a rock-'n'-roll superstar,

I wanted to believe it
because I'm an optimist

with a big heart, but now
I really do believe it.

- And I want to be your manager.
- Seriously?

You just got discovered in a mall!

This always happens!

Great! But there are two
other girls in the band.

Look, I can tell just from how
I know nothing about them

but those no-talent hacks
are holding you back.

But if you go solo, we will for
sure conquer the music biz.

So, they stack one on top of the other?

I have seen everything.

And to think, all this time,

I've just been storing my
cereal in the box it came in.

Pardon me, ladies.

I'm filming a super
important battlescape,

and my camera's picking
up all your tuppery talk.

Sorry, Schmooey. We'll do better.

C'mon, gals.

Let's take our food-storage
party into the living room.

I don't understand. What is he doing?

What? Uh, what is this?

What's with the judgy murmuring?

Bevy, we think it's time
we had a Yenta-vention.

- About what?
- About Adam.

Look, we all love his creativity

and his wild imagination
as much as you do.

It's just that...

He's an adult who plays with dolls.

And you're an adult who smells like

a sack of monkey [BLEEP].

- You're lashing out.
- I'm lashing out.

Bev, I know this is hard to hear.

But you know Adam's too old
to be playing with toys,

and it's getting kind of...

- Weird and sad.
- Sad and weird.

How could you seriously think

that Adam's favorite lifetime
hobby is in any way weird?

It's crazy!

Damn it!

I grew out of my laser voice.


Everybody thinks Adam
is both sad and weird.

- Sure.
- You're his father.

Help him be better.

Give the kid a break. He's only 12.

He's 16!

- That can't be right.
- Well, it is.

Now get off your ass

and go teach him a real adult hobby.

What do I know from hobbies?

I don't have any stupid hobbies.

Is that right?

Stamps, Murray. You love stamps.

That is your hobby.

Hobbies are dumb and silly.

Stamps are a smart financial investment.

You know, Rock Hudson got a stamp.

Good for him, right?

Okay, I don't care what
the hell you call it.

Just show Adam how much fun you have

stamping with your stamps.

Fine. I'll introduce Adam

to the noble world of stamp collecting,

but once again, not a hobby.

Stamps are serious business.

Snoopy! Silly puppy.

Right there.

- What the hell is this?
- It's a demo she had made at the mall.

We came here to confront her about it.

- I know that. I was just being dramatic.
- Oh.

You made a demo without us?

No. Geoff just paid for me to sing

at some dumb recording
booth at the mall,

but thanks for thinking the worst of me.

- Oh, man, I'm sorry.
- We're insecure people.

I mean, did a talent
manager ask to rep me?

Yes. But I told him I'm in a band

and basically not interested.

"Basically"? So you are interested?

She's so gonna ditch us and go solo.

Guys, I would never go solo.

I mean, did I crush "Bohemian Rhapsody"?

Obviously. And did it floor a manager

with my soulful angel voice

dripping with polished
talent? Of course.

- Wait, you did "Bohemian Rhapsody"?
- So?

It's the greatest rock
song ever written,

and you and I both
know I am the only one

with the vocal chops to do it justice

You seriously think you're the
Freddie Mercury of this band?

Oh, I know I'm the Freddie Mercury.

You are so not the Freddie Mercury.

If anything, I'm Freddie Mercury.

We all know a band only
has one Freddie Mercury,

which is me.

Well, if I'm not the Freddie Mercury,

then why did my manager
sign me and not you?

You said he wasn't your manager!

Band splitting up?

Yeah, I knew this would happen.

No, and go away.

You're dripping Popsicle
all over yourself.

Or am I dripping knowledge? Fact!

Lainey doesn't need any of you

'cause she has the best
manager of all time

who started yesterday... me.

You hear that? I'm going solo, not you.

Doesn't matter 'cause I just went solo

right here in this moment.

You both can't go solo
because then I'm left alone,

- and I have to go solo, too.
- Don't blame me.

I only went solo because
Lainey went solo first.

Actually, it just so
happens my solo project

- needs a drummer.
- Done.

Okay, toy time's over, moron.

This isn't toy time.

It's the "Transformers"/
"Star Wars" crossover event

the world's been begging for.

That's gibberish for "toy time,"
and you're too old for it.

Here's how actual normal
adult people have fun.

It's just a book of postage.

It's a collection of stamps.

Ohh, I get it.

See, you grew up in olden times

when there were no toys.

All you had were dolls
made out of corn cobs

and a stick and a hoop.

That's why you're an angry, broken man

who thinks stamps are a hobby.

Learn about stamps or
you're grounded, moron.

Fine. I'll give your tiny,
lickable history squares

a stupid chance.

And if you take to them,
maybe my stamp collection

can become our stamp collection.

I can have the stamps?

I don't see why not as
long as you give up

plastic toys and robits.

Come to think of it,

I may actually get a lot
out of these things.

That day, I really came to
appreciate my dad's stamps...

by using them as actual stamps.

Buckle up, Pops.

Your favorite grandson is guaranteed

to win the contest of a lifetime.

I see what this is.

You rigged the contest, huh?

I did that with the peaches.

No, I won this fair and square.

I mailed in over 600 entries.

Whoa! Where'd you get the
dough for all that postage?

Dad gave me all his stamps.

Those stamps aren't for mailing.

They're for admiring.

Chill! I thought of everything.

See, when I win the contest,

I get thousands of dollars in toys.

I'll just sell a few bikes and Nintendos

and buy back all of Dad's stamps.

That actually makes a shred of sense.

Okay, the big moment's here.

This year, Toys "R" Us
received a record number

2 million entries!

- Wha... What he say?
- Oh, no.

And the winner is...

Maria Hernandez!

Oh, no.

Oh, balls, no!

- You didn't win.
- I know I didn't win, Pops!

You're in serious trouble. Oh, no.

Oh, no, I really am.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

After the Dropouts
were dropped by Erica,

they decided to audition for
"Star Search" without her.

♪ To me ♪

Dude, Ed McMahon is gonna spill

his giant tumbler of
scotch when he hears this.

We are so the stars "Star
Search" is searching for.

What the hell?

You stole my audition song?

You can't steal her song.

Last time I checked,
Queen wrote the song.

- We're just covering it.
- But she's right, Queen did write it.

I'm doing the Rhapsody.

You can't have two Rhapsodies.

That's true, you can't have two.

Then pick another Rhapsody.

- Maybe you should pick another?
- There's only one Rhapsody,

and it's the Bohemian one.

But it doesn't matter.

Good luck with your little Queen cover.

I have a real manager,

and he already booked me a gig.

- No way.
- What?

Managers book gigs?

Oh, yeah. I'm playing the food court

at the Willow Grove Mall tomorrow.

The food court? But that has,
like, tons of foot traffic.

And it's where I'm recording
my "Star Search" tape

in front of a live audience.

You can't do a live audition.

You'll feed off the energy of the crowd.

You can't do this to us.

Managers book gigs?

As Erica went Hollywood on her friends,

I went to the one person
who could help me.

Momma! I have a very important

stamp-based conundrum.

Hold the Mahj, ladies.
Did you hear that?

My son is a very adult,
grown-up stamp-collector.

Wow, good for you.

Yep, stamps are my thing,

and I need to talk about
stamps right now over here.

Uh, Murray's even sharing
his incredibly rare

and valuable stamp collection with Adam.

He's really taken to it.

Like a stamp to a letter.
Also, private convo now.

You know, stamps aren't
even really a hobby.

They're more of a sound
financial investment.

- Dad's stamps are gone!
- What?

I used them on a toy contest to get toys

'cause I want more toys.

- We should go.
- No, stay. He didn't mean that.

Adam, tell my dear friends

that you're a mature stamp gentleman.

Who cares what these crazy bats think?

Dad's gonna kill me.

Your instincts were right.
You should go.

Hello, Willow Grove Mall,

or as it shall henceforth be known,

Willow Groove Mall, am I right?

Whoo! You are right!

Thank you, lone sir.

I am John Calabasas

of John Calabasas Talent Management

and Mall Recording Boothness.

And today we're doing a live recording

for "Star Search"... audition tape.

I love you, Rikki Gold!

You hear that? They
love you, Rikki Gold.

By the way, I am totally
diggin' that name change.

Oh, it's 'cause, you know...

Yeah, I know.

Ladies and gentlemen without jobs,

I give you Rikki Gold!

With that, Rikki Gold unleashed
the best song ever...

- ♪ Mama, just killed a man ♪
- ... in the worst way possible...

... one person singing
a four-part harmony.

♪ Bismillah ♪

♪ No, we will not let him go ♪

♪ Let him go ♪

♪ Bismillah ♪

♪ Will not let him go ♪
♪ Let me go ♪

♪ Bismillah ♪

♪ We will not let you go ♪
♪ Let me go ♪

♪ Will not let you go ♪
♪ Let him go ♪

♪ Will not let you go ♪
♪ Never let you go-o-o-o-o ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪

Uh, no.

No, no, no.

Uh, sorry, folks.

Thanks so much for coming out.

- There a problem?
- You're doing great.

One little note.

I'm quitting as your manager.

You can't quit. I signed the contract.

This contract?


This has been voided.

Sorry, kid. Not everybody
can be Freddie Mercury.

Don't tell me that now.

You're the one who told me
to ditch my best friends.

Good luck with everything..

except music.

While Erica's solo career was crumbling,

me and my mom were trying

to fix my dad's stamp collection.

Thanks for bailing me out
of this unforeseen accident

of not winning a nation-wide
toy contest, Mama.

Well, you owe me, Schmoo.

I spent butt-loads replacing

every one of your
father's stupid stamps.

Whoa-ho-ho. Guess who found us

a 1972 "Preserving Wetlands" stamp?

Oh, yes.

Let's just put it in the
binder, and we will be...

- These are not my stamps.
- What?

These are most certainly your stamps.

No, no, no, my '39 Kitty Hawk

had a crease in the left-hand corner.

Maybe it got un-creased over time?

You can't un-crease a stamp crease.

You don't know that for sure.

I know everything about stamps.

My first job was sorting mail
at the town post office.

Ohhh, balls.

He's introducing new personal history.

Even though that job was
long and mind-numbing,

I was happy to do it
'cause I just lost my mom.

Ohhh, no!

I've re-opened a terrible
childhood wound.

The only thing that
brought me joy that year

was learning about the colorful
postage from around the world.

Oh, no, those stamps hold
a deep emotional value!

Of course they do.

Those stamps made me happy.

I want them back.

They're gone, dude.

Okay, I can explain.

Don't explain. It won't help.

Or will it?

See, Toys "R" Us...


You ruined my stamps over toys?

Let's see how you like it.

- What are you doing?
- Ruining Adam's toy.

That's Stretch Armstrong.

He's made to be unbreakable.


Oh! Ha!

I broke the red one's head.

Nah, that just means you won.

Say goodbye to these.

Those are Wall Crawlers.

You're just playing
with them as intended.

Bevy, I told you this would happen.

I knew the moron would screw
up my favorite hobby.

But you said this was
just a smart investment

and not a hobby at all.

We both knew it was a hobby!

My favorite hobby in the world.

Oh, God, are you... sad?

Enjoy your toys.

Erica's solo career

may have crashed and burned,

but The Dropouts were
about to be on fire.

Hey, best friends. Huge news.

I fired my manager, so
now I'm totally avail

to get our band back together.

So, you blew it at the mall
and came crawling back

'cause you're a giant pile of failure?

What? No. I-It's like they say...

the music business is a friend business.

Stop. Yesterday, I was at
the mall flirting with

the totally hot manager
at Sunglass Kiosk.

His name is Randy.

He wears tank tops even
though it's winter.

He lives in a boat parked
in his parent's backyard.

Anyway, I saw you bomb hard.

Oh, you saw that, huh?

Don't listen to her, Erica.

She likes a guy named Randy.

Okay, so, question... would you be open

to the "crawling back to grovel" option?

Too late. We're about to record

our audition for "Star Search."

That's right. And we're about to make

"Bohemian Rhapsody" even better.

How do you make the greatest
rock song in the world better?

It's right there in the title...

"Bohemian Rap City."

Rap City.

Wait. You think it's Rap City?

Duh. How can they make a
song set in a rap city

and not have one single
sick rhyme or fresh beat?

Hit it!

♪ Mama ♪

♪ I'm so, so sorry ♪

♪ Just killed a man ♪

♪ With the power of karate ♪

♪ Put a gun against his head ♪

♪ And my foot ♪

♪ Pulled my trigger, now he's dead ♪

♪ Killed him with my foot ♪

♪ Mama ♪

- ♪ You gave birth to a ninja ♪
- ♪ Life had just begun ♪

♪ Now they're locking up my feet ♪

♪ But now I've gone and
thrown it all away ♪

♪ Oh, I also hit him
with some nunchucks ♪

- ♪ Mama, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
- ♪ I'm sorry that he died ♪

♪ I'm sorry I committed foot homicide ♪

♪ Didn't mean to make you cry ♪

♪ Whoops! ♪

♪ If I'm not back again
this time tomorrow ♪

- ♪ Carry on, carry on ♪
- ♪ Barry's gone, Barry's gone ♪

- ♪ As if nothing really matters ♪
- ♪ And you'll lose the world's best rapper ♪

♪ Too late ♪

♪ I can't unkick his face ♪

♪ My time has come ♪

♪ I'm moving to outer space ♪

- ♪ Send shivers down my spine ♪
- ♪ I'm also from Mars ♪

♪ Body's aching all the time ♪

♪ I forgot to mention that ♪

♪ Goodbye, everybody ♪

- ♪ I'm an alien ♪
- ♪ I've got to go ♪

♪ And I got no private parts, yo! ♪

♪ Gotta leave you all
behind and face the truth ♪

♪ I'll miss you, Rap City ♪

- ♪ Mama, oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
- ♪ And so I sail past the moon ♪

♪ Goodbye, Rap City ♪

♪ Hope I see y'all soon ♪

♪ Blasting off to hyperspace ♪

♪ Maybe you can follow me ♪

♪ That's where I'll be
starting my own rap colony ♪

♪ Chocolate milk fountains
on every street ♪

♪ And big golden statues
of my murderous feet ♪

♪ My name is Big Tasty,
and I am no comedian ♪

♪ Just god of the universe ♪

♪ Also I'm Bohemian ♪

- ♪ Mm, mm, mm ♪
- Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.


- We need you back.
- Really?

Well, let's be honest.

Our band needs its Freddie Mercury.

Come on, we both know that's you.

Honestly, I-I thought it was you.

Actually, I realized today
that we don't need a frontman.

You know what's worse than
bombing at some mall?

Having to do it alone.

Well, you'll never be alone again.

Sometimes, you don't realize
how important something is

until it's gone, and you
do whatever it takes

to find it again.

- Hey.
- Don't.

The stamps are gone. It's over, okay?

Here. I got us tickets to
the Abington Stamp Expo.

I heard there's an 80th
anniversary Pony Express

up for auction.

Stop. You don't have to pretend to like

my dumb hobby just for me.

No. I-I get it.

Stamps are more than just a hobby.

They were a bright spot
when you were a kid.

You could say that.

Well, that's what all my
action figures are for me.

No matter how old I am, these
toys remind me of a time

when things were just
easy and fun, you know?

I do know. I really do.

So, what do you say we
make some new bright spots

and go to your Stamp Expo?

Let's go get that Pony Express.

So often, we get carried away thinking

we can do things better on our own.

The fact is, life is better
when you're part of a team.

When you have people you
truly love backing you up,

everything rocks harder, sounds better,

- and shines brighter.
- _


And in the end, nothing
really matters more

than keeping the band together.

Ten years later... later...

the Transformers have been dumped

on the Junk Planet Trashatron!

But look! Chewbacca and his
friends will save them.


I think we should go

check it out, Hammerhead!

Yes, that would be a good idea.

Oh, no, the trash pile is collapsing!



Stamps are our hobby.


We have a wide, wide selection

of very exotic stamps.

- Stop it!
- Aah!