The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - The Pina Colada Episode - full transcript

Murray and Geoff team up to pull Beverly, Barry and Erica out of their shared misery that Lainey has left town; Coach Mellor prepares for the next step of his life.

Back in the '80s,
America was obsessed with running.

From Flo Jo and Carl Lewis
to Chariots of Fire,

from this running man
to this running man,

everyone was feeling
that runner's high.

Well, everyone except me.

Come Friday,

all of you will be doing
the state-mandated mile run.

Here's how it works.

You run a mile,
I time you,

then I inform the state
of how alarmingly

inert the modern child has become.


Why is the state so determined
to make us move our bodies?

Yeah, why focus on us?

It's like
what are they running from?

This run
is not up for debate.

It is law written clear as day
in the state's constitution.

Balls. You've won this round,

but you've messed with
the wrong inactive citizen.


How can they
force you to run

when your bones
are still growing?

Excessive movement
stunts your growth.

That's what I said!

Well, don't you worry, because
mama will run a million miles

to help her baby
not run one.

Just for that,
I'm handing out free sugar.

Get in here
and grab a lump.


- You love it.
- You love it.

"Still growing"?

That's your excuse?

it's a super bummer,

but what are you gonna do?
A note's a note.

I didn't think your mother could
top "preparing for a haircut."

I didn't, either.
I was impressed, too.

Shame on you. What would
William Penn himself say

if he was standing here
right now?

"Why aren't you all working the fields?
Winter is coming."

Indeed, he would be mystified
by our modern world,

but he'd also be very
disappointed in you.

- I can live with that.
- Well, looks like Goldfarb

will not be joining you
in the mile run.

- So lame!
- What a weenie!

You suck, Goldnerd!

Pfft. I can live with that,
as well.

The good news is,
the note says

nothing about him
playing goalie,

which is what
he's going to do right now.

Fire away!

Oh, stop!
I'm still growing!

Re... Read the note!
Read the note!


♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
Season 06 Episode 12

Episode Title: "The Pina Colada Episode"
Synchronized by srjanapala

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was January
16th, 1980-something.

Lainey Lewis had left
to pursue her dreams.

But back home,
it wasn't so dreamy.

I can't believe
she actually left.

I know!

How could Lainey
just ditch our band?

Now it's just me and my
rhythm-challenged drummer.

I agree.

Lainey's talent
made up for my lack of skill,

and now
I'm totally exposed.

You think you miss her?

My baby girl left me
in an empty nest.

Who's gonna make sure
I have towels?


The JTP's heartbroken,
too, bro.

- JTP. - JTP. - JTP.
- JTP. - JTP. - JTP.

I just don't know when the
achy feeling in my heart place

is gonna go away.

Soon enough, pal.
Just take it day by day.

Don't say "day."

Days are how Lainey measured
the passing of time.

Isn't that how everyone
measures the passing of time?

You knew her so well, Andrew.

Thank you for understanding
my pain,

even though you have
a tiny peanut heart

like a little hummingbird.

Okay, it's
a normal-sized heart, but...

Bevy, how much longer
is this gonna go on?

I want my den back.

Our babies are

and all you can think about is
your stupid den?

That's where the TV is.
That's my baby.

Ugh, I can't stand to see their
precious hearts hurting this much.

- I have to fix this.
- No.

Do not try and fix
their feelings. I mean it.

But that's a mama's job,
to fix everything

so they never learn pain
or sadness.

It's very healthy.

No, it's not.

You soak up all their misery
like a sadness sponge,

and then you're a wreck.

It only makes things worse.

Not this time.

Those little pickles
need someone to be their rock,

and damn it,
that someone is me.

Your pain is overwhelming
all my senses!

Hey, Mr. G.

I made everyone
a nice chamomile tea.

- You want a mug?
- You're such a... ****


Come into the mom cocoon!

I'll snug you until you emerge
happy butterflies!

This is obviously
our worst and only option!

Yes, it is.

Is it me, or is she
making them sadder?

For once, it's not you.

It's up to us to help
those morons move on.

Sounds like you're including me
in a plan to save your family.

I'm honored, sir!

Why ya gotta make
everything so stupid?

That's on me...

Okay, after doing
lots of research

in psychology
and behavioral science,

I have compiled a list of ways
to make everyone feel better.

This is stupid.

I know how
to cheer up kids.

They need four things.

Stuff, sandwiches,
songs, Sixers.

This took me like eight hours,
but let's hear your thing.

First I buy 'em stuff.

- Stuff makes 'em happy.
- Uh-huh.

Then I take them to
the drive-thru at Arby's.

Kids love Arby's.

They got roast beef. Yeah,
no, I've been to Arby's.

Then we drive around, and I play
happy songs to make 'em happy.

And then?
Then I got Sixers tickets

'cause nothing
makes people happier

than watching
Dr. J dunk on the Knicks!

And then?

Then you go home happy
and you stay that way!

Okay, uh,
devil's advocate?

Uh, maybe all that stuff
has worked in the past,

but I'm not sure how slam
dunks are gonna solve this.

Devil's advocate to your
devil's advocate, shut up.

We're doing your thing.

That's class!
Enjoy the mile run, suckas!

Looks like we'll be chillin'
right here with you, sucka.

We forced our moms to write
us notes, too.


"My son has
water on the knee

and cannot run, jog,
or trot."

Don't you dare
hand that in!

"Daniel Morse is suffering
from puberty pains."

Obviously you are,
but still!

"Dave Kim has
'The Andromeda Strain'."

Come on! We can't all lie
about our feeble bodies.

Mellor will see
right through it.

Damn it. He's right.

Gym is pointless,
and so is Mellor.

All he does is push us
out of our comfort zone.

The zone I love being in!

Sometimes I wish he would just
go away and leave us alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, I stand
before you with heavy heart

and wildly jacked delts
to announce

that I am leaving
William Penn Academy.


The truth is,
I've been offered my dream job

coaching the country's best
wrestlers for the Olympics.

Wow. Where?

Just 30 minutes away
at the Foxcatcher Farm,

owned by the wild-eyed eccentric
billionaire John du Pont.

But why would a billionaire
want to coach wrestlers?

Hard to say.
He's an intense fella.

Either way, it's
an opportunity of a lifetime

with zero chance
of ending badly.

Proud of you, coach.
You're the man.

We'll miss you every day.

Yeah, big blow.

Point of procedure,
what happens with the mile run?

The mile run
is hereby postponed

until the school can find a suitable,
inferior replacement for me.

Damn it, Rick,

you said you wouldn't let
your eyes sweat.

Walk it off, big guy!

Let's go maximize what little
time we have left with him!

Yes, oh, yeah, yeah!

Such a bummer, guys!

We feel so bad.

Mellor's gone!

While we were
happy Coach was leaving,

my mom took a stab at curing
everyone's depression.

That's right.

Focus on the fudge
and not the fact that

you may never have love, music,
or a daughter ever again.

Oh, damn it.

She's pouring a gallon
of sadness on their fire.

We gotta get rid of her.

Got it. But how?

I'll take care of it,
and I'm sorry.

Hey, Bevy!

The boy here needs
his sweater bedazzled,

and he said
you wouldn't be good at it.

Geoff Schwartz,
let's go! Move!

All right,
you sad sacks.

Enough moping.

It's time to get out
for a day of dad fun.

- Pass!
- Please, just go,

and let us be miserable
in peace.

Why be miserable here
when you can go out

and listen to your
brand-new car stereo!

- What?
- No way!

Mur! This is the fancy kind where you
pop off the face and take it with you,

and then car thieves
are like, "What?"

And that's not all.

You know what's
in that car stereo?

Is that a compact disc?

You said this family fully
invested in the cassette

and there were no new formats
we'd ever need!

So what do you say we drive
around, listen to music,

and eat some of
our favorite meats!

That's right!
We're going to Arby's!

But that's
top-shelf fast food!

We only get that as a treat
after we go to the dentist.

Their fries are curly!

That's a special-occasions

And that's just the start.

I also got us tickets
to the 76ers game!

No way!

Hey, feels good to stand.

Why don't you put on some
clothes, and we'll head on out?

Ah, look who's
a big, sparkly man!

It's me.

Damn it, Schwartz.
I told you to keep her occupied.

I tried!
She bedazzles like the wind!

I didn't even have
to take the sweater off!

And so my dad
piled everyone in the car,

dead set on lifting
their spirits.

On, off.

On, off, on, off!

Stereo bandits
have met their match!

Well, Bill's happy.
What about the rest of you?

My life is garbage.

Lainey would throw stuff
in the garbage.

That was her thing...
When she had trash.

Murray, just turn the car
around and take us home.

No! We're going to the Sixers
game, and we're gonna be happy!

Here, listen to this
music disc.

- ♪ If you like pina coladas ♪
- and smile, damn it!

God, turn it off!

These joyful words just
remind me of my own misery.

Hey, what's going on up there?
I hear shouting!

It's like the song
is rubbing its happiness

into our sad faces!

Stop pushing buttons!

You're just fast-forwarding
the song!

We need it
to make you happy!

Uh, wait, wait, wait.


I think the kids broke
the stereo's face.

it just clicks back...

Oh, no,
it's not clicking back on.

Give it to me!

I'll align the delicate
components with force!

Just turn it off, Murray!

I can't! It's now
a stereo without buttons!

We'll just wait
for the song to end!

♪ Come with me and escape ♪

Oh, my God.

What's happening? It started over.
It's on repeat!

- It's just gonna play over and over!
- ♪ If you like pina coladas ♪

We're stuck
in a happy loop!

I don't feel happy!
I feel anger!

- My anger is growing!
- I don't know how much longer I can roll around...

Yep, my dad's happy
plan just turned everyone angry.

Meanwhile, Coach Mellor's plan
was to find his replacement.

After an extensive search,
I'd like you all to meet Neelo Green.


- Sup. - Sup. - Sup. - Sup.
- Sup. - Sup. - Sup. - Sup.

Take it away,
Coach Green.

Layups, two lines.

Y'all terrible!

All day long!


You sure about this guy?
He seems a little bonkers.

Hey, every coach
has his methods.

Sometimes the crazier
the better.

In my gym,
we got two rules.

Number one,
we never give up!

We're on the same page.

Number two,

aliens are real
and they walk among us!

Different page...

Now I want to see
some squats!

Back on track.

When the invasion happens,
you will be probed.

And trust me, you do
not want to be probed.

It is very unpleasant!

Okay, we're gonna
keep on looking.


It was hour three in the car,

and my dad's plan to cheer everyone
up was at a dead standstill.

- ♪ If you like pina coladas ♪
- No, I do not like pina coladas!

I hate them! I hate
all frozen beverages!

I'm unraveling!

- Oh, no, Barry's unraveling!
- Oh, don't unravel, boofie.

Just ignore the song.

I can't! My only thoughts
are these delightful lyrics!

Just drive the car, Murray!
Punch it!

Drive anywhere!

I can't!

There's construction
up and down 95!

There's no way out!

Could it be?

PLAYS) Nope! Can't do it!

Bill, no!
We're on the expressway!

I hate you all!


♪ I'm the love
that you've looked for

♪ Write to me and escape ♪

Good news, class!

After a pretty big
false start,

I finally found a perfect
replacement for Coach Mellor!

My brother!
Coach Mellor!


Oh, balls.

What is that giant man
doing here?

He coaches college football!

Not anymore.

After my mutual decision
to be fired from Villanova,

I decided to be a more...

Caring and sensitive coach.

I guess you could say
I've Mellor'd out.


Gentle? Playful puns?

I'm digging this guy.

Look, I know you guys got
the mile run you got to do,

but I say, no more.

In fact,
if there's anybody

that would prefer
to be elsewhere,

like computer lab or
theater practice, just go.

I believe people
should follow their dreams.


Now I know who doesn't
wanna be here!

Oh, no!
It was a trap!

And we were
immediately exposed!

The mile run
is back on.



I'm sorry I fell!

Don't eat me!

I'm just so glad to
see this job is staying in the family.


We were doomed.

I had to make sure original
Coach Mellor never left us,

and I wouldn't take no
for an answer.

- No.
- Come on, man!

I suddenly recognize
you have value.

Just because me and Nick
have different methods,

- doesn't mean his is wrong.
- Sure it does!

The point is, we're both trying
to teach you the same thing,

to be a winner,
not a Rosie Ruiz.

A Rosie Who-now?

Okay, Goldfarb.

One last lesson
before I go...

That lesson
was about Rosie Ruiz,

a world-class runner
in the '80s,

famous for winning
the Boston Marathon

by taking the subway.

Rosie, have you been
doing a lot of heavy intervals?

Um, someone else
asked me that,

and I'm not sure
what intervals are.

This woman cheated
to win the Boston Marathon?

- And no one noticed?
- Nope.

Everybody was too caught up
in the excitement

that an unfit woman who knew
nothing about the sport

didn't even break a sweat while
shattering a world record.

- Wow. That is so wrong.
- Yeah.

She took the subway?

The subway!

Everyone has a sports hero,
and Rosie Ruiz is mine.

Controversial, but okay.

That's why during the mile
run, I'll jump into your car,

and you can drive me
to the finish line?

Aw, kiddo.
I... I can't help you.

'Cause cheating
is wrong?

No! Cheating's that rush
that keeps me ticking.

I can't help you
'cause I don't have a license.

You're really gonna
let the state

tell you you can't drive?

The same state that says
I have to run a mile?

But you can run a mile.

And you can drive a mile.

That I can.
Screw the state, I'm in!

Just like Rosie Ruiz,

I would cheat my way
out of the mile run.

All I needed
was the perfect excuse.

You guys go ahead! I'm getting
a cramp in my running muscles!

Hey, what's
Goldberg doing?

Cheating! How dare he!

And I want in.

Punch it, Pops!

I think your friends
are on to us.

Let us in on this
or we're ratting you out.

We'll do a group Rosie Ruiz.

Who's that?
My sports hero, just get in.

My God!

You kids broke
the five-minute mark!

Who knew we had Olympic-level
runners in our midst!

Now we can take State!

Are you kidding me
with this?

I told you
not to be Rosie Ruiz!

In my defense,
I didn't know you'd be here!

You cheated.

Is that the thing
you learned from me?

Why does it even matter?

We're not
your star athletes.

You won't even remember us
in 20 years.

Is that right?

You think
I taught at this school

for the Ruben Amaro Jrs.
Of this world?

Being that he's gonna be
a major-league player, yeah?

Okay, fine.
He's a nice perk.

But the real reason
I do this job

is to help kids who hate gym
believe in themselves.

Guess I inspired you
to be nothing.

Turns out,
pulling a Rosie Ruiz

was a real disappointment
for Coach.

And for my family,
things were even less rosy.

♪ Yes, I like pina coladas ♪

♪ And getting caught
in the rain ♪

I don't really hear
the song anymore.

- It's become a part of me.
- Oh, my God!

I've gone from loving the song
to hating it,

but now I kinda respect
and enjoy it,

but also fear it!

No, don't give into the pina colada, man!
You gotta fight it!

Fine! Let's go home!

Screw it! We'll do it!

I'll break all the laws
to get there!

- Good!
- Let's do it!

Oh, Murray, Murray!
There's a cop!

I see the cop!

Maybe he hasn't seen us!

He's looking right at us!

Well, act casual!
Don't look at him!

Aw, damn it! I looked!

Oh, no, we're making
direct eye contact!

License and registration.


Turn off
the pina-colada song, sir!

Just get out of the car.

We're gonna
get out of the car now

because we can't hear you!

I'm giving you a ticket for
riding in the breakdown lane.

Well, my family's
having a breakdown.

Doesn't that count
for something?

It does not.

Great! He's writing me a ticket.
Are you happy?

No! We didn't want
any of this, Dad!

Yeah, they were
perfectly fine at home

in their warm mom cocoon!

Fine! You wanna mope around
for the rest of your lives,

mope away!

Please, you didn't do
any of this for them.

All you wanted
was peace and quiet

so you could watch TV again.

You think
I don't miss Lainey?

I watched that girl
grow up.

She's like a daughter to me.

But I can't ever say that

because I'm supposed to be the
strong one for this family,

who's never allowed
to feel sad.

And that makes it hurt
even worse.


My dad's plan to cheer
up the family had backfired,

and now he was sadder
than anyone.

Stop looking at me!
I'm fine.

In all fairness,
it's hard to look away

knowing you're all mushy inside
and missing Lainey, too.

I thought you only get sad
when the Eagles lose.

I do! Now drop it, okay?

- You want a huggy?
- No!

How about laying on
some warm laundry?

What am I, a cat? No.

- Do you want my garlic bread?
- No.

Y... Yes.

But other than garlic bread,
I'm fine!

Let's just eat
and feel nothing.

Unfortunately, the
silence only made everyone's mind

wander back to
an unlikely little ditty

about a frozen island drink.

Do-do-do, do-do-do-do.

Oh, no.

Do-do-do-do, do-do-do.

I just got it out of my head!

♪ If you like pina coladas ♪

I really don't.

- ♪ And getting caught in the rain ♪
- ♪ And getting caught in the rain ♪

No one wants to be wet!

♪ If you're not into yoga ♪

I'm not
into any of this!

- ♪ If you have half a brain ♪
- ♪ If you have half a brain ♪

You have half a brain,

♪ If you love making love
at midnight ♪

That's a whole new day.

- ♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪
- ♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪

I hate that we all know
the words to this song.

- ♪ I'm the love that you've looked for ♪
- ♪ I'm the love that you've looked for ♪

- ♪ Write to me and escape ♪
- ♪ Write to me and escape ♪

I like pina coladas.


And... Getting caught
in the rain.

♪ I got to meet you
by tomorrow noon

Aw, damn it, it's working!

- ♪ Through all this red tape.
- ♪ Through all this red tape

I feel happy.
This is terrible.

As unlikely as it seemed,

my dad's plan
saved our family.

And for the first time
since Lainey left,

- things didn't feel so sad.
- ♪ Yes, I like pina coladas ♪

Even better, our dad learned

he didn't always have to be
the strong one.

And even though my family never may have
made it to the Sixers game in person,

they did get to watch
Charles Barkley

dominate on the court

As for me and my friends,
we finally ran our first mile.

And, yeah, it was probably the
slowest mile in school history,

but thanks
to some great coaching,

we pushed ourselves,
didn't give up,

and made it
across that finish line.

And... Eighteen minutes
and 27 seconds.

Now, that I believe.

- Did we pass?
- Congrats.

Thanks, Coach.

Don't thank me.

Truth is,
I was gonna let you bail,

but Rick said
you had it in you.

Your brother really
is one hell of a coach.

Maybe that's something
you ought to let him know.

♪ I knew her smile
in an instant

♪ I knew the curve
of her face ♪

Coach, wait.

I ran the mile.
For real.

I didn't doubt you
for a second.

Before you go...

I want you to know
how much you taught me.

Well, that's nice to say.

But it's true.

You taught me to give 110%,

and that rubbing dirt
on a bruise will cure it.

But most of all,

you taught all the kids
like me to never give up.

Just doing my job,

Hey, you got my name right.

Only 'cause
you've earned it.


Back then,
Coach Mellor always said

one day I would come
to appreciate him.

Turns out, that day came
when he made me run that mile.

And it continues even now.

All you need in life is a
good coach to remind you that

it's not about just making it
to the finish line.

It's about what it takes
to get there.

♪ Come with me and escape ♪


The, uh, first award that we
have is the coach's award.


What can I say?
I will always love you.

Dude, you got to stop this.

You're just hurting yourself.

Trust me.
You're gonna be fine.

Don't say "fine."

Lainey was fine.

That was her thing,
being fine.

Okay, we got to cheer you up.

How about we go play smashball
at the Wawa?

Lainey used to go to the Wawa.
That was her thing.

We could go toilet-paper
Principal Ball's house.

Lainey used to use toilet paper.
That was her thing.


Oh! I know how to prove
you can find love again.

We can watch a teen rom com.

Lainey used to love
teen rom come!

That was her thing.