The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Girl Talk - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: The '80s was
a golden age of advertising,

- filled with famous faces.
- Oh, hi, Vern.

They talked fast and
pitched to us every day.

Hello. I'm Orville Redenbacher.

- ADULT ADAM: Mikey liked it!
- He likes it!

ADULT ADAM: And the
"Where's the beef?" lady

needed to know exactly
where the beef was.

Hey, where's the beef?

And there were local
pitchmen, like Crazy Eddie.

It's Crazy Eddie's greatest
Fourth of July sale ever!

ADULT ADAM: Even Jenkintown
had its own commercial celebrity,



my dad's competition,
the Formica King.

Are you looking for a
bed, a table, a wall unit?

ADULT ADAM: He was wild, kooky,
and the bane of my dad's existence.

Come see me, Formica
Mike, the Formica King!

We got deep discounts
on all your favorite

brightly-colored furniture
in space-age laminates!

And we're slaying
the competition!

(SINGING ON TV)
Furniture deals on everything

Come on down to the Formica King

Ask for me! Mike! Or
Luis. He works here, too!

NARRATOR: (ON TV) The Formica King
is an authorized Formica laminate dealer.

(BEVERLY HUMMING JINGLE)

Are you humming the
jingle of my sworn enemy?

No. It's totally unrelated.



(SINGING) Formica King

All right, that's it. I'm
sleeping on the couch.

ADULT ADAM: My dad hated the Formica
King and couldn't get away from him.

Look, the Formica King
has a regal summer sale.

"Big kingdom furniture
for lil' kingdom prices."

(GROANS)

Murray, you gotta hit this schmuck
back before he drives us out of business.

Damn it, I know!

ADULT ADAM: My dad had
to make his own commercial,

and there was only one
geek who could save him.

I never thought I'd say
this, but bring me Adam.

I've been waiting for
this moment my entire life.

I know your taste. It'll
be quick and simple.

Also, you'll be sitting.

Oh, I like this idea.

Or, and I'm just
talking out loud here,

what if, instead of simple, we
made it incredibly complicated?

- Ooh, I'm listening.
- No, no. Do not encourage him.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my dad's
brother and unreliable employee, Marvin.

Let the selling begin!

ADULT ADAM: He was full of bad
ideas, and my dad hated all of them.

We have an opportunity
here to make the biggest,

most expensive furniture
commercial ever, okay?

I'm talking about explosions,
car chases, furniture girls.

There's no such
thing as furniture girls.

Uncle Marvin's right. We
should probably go big.

- So big!
- And loud!

- And sexy!
- Go away!

Ooh! We can set it in space!

- (SINGING) Space.
- No space!

And animals. We need
animals. The deadlier the better.

Yes, people respond to fear.

Not furniture buyers.

And we need epic stunts.

How many sleeper sofas can
you jump in a monster truck?

Well, if we load it up with
rocket fuel, an infinite amount!

When you're done,
we'll do it my way.

Knock yourselves out.

(GASPS) That's it.

We wrap the whole thing up
with a Rocky Balboa-Apollo Creed

- final freeze frame.
- Let's rehearse it.

(IMITATES ROCKY) Well, I
don't usually rehearse, but okay.

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
November 1st, 1980-something...

And my brother was
about to bust some moves.

- Yo, yo!
- Look at this.

The KFC has come to
hang out under the bleachers.

- No, it's the JTP.
- ALL: JTP!

And it's your lucky
day, 'cause Big Tasty

cordially invites you
to have dinner with him

at Jenkintown's most
exclusive, romantic eatery.

ALL: Tony Roma's!
Place for ribs!

All right, bleacher creatures, stop
being all sketchy and get to class.

Nice try, dude.

Mr. Glascott, I was about to go
out with Jamie Weisman for ribs.

Everyone knows that's the
most romantic part of the pig.

Except for the heart.

Actually, I saved you.

Seriously, man, you
were going down in flames.

Trust me, I know.

You do know.

Hey, it's different
when I say it.

(EXCLAIMS) That's the third
girl this week who shot me down.

Don't these smoking hot scrubs
know I dated Lainey for three years?

Don't ask me, dude.

I haven't talked to a girl
since my piano teacher

told me to stop calling her.

It's like the only people who
see me naked now are you guys.

I used to have great
luck with women,

but it all dried up when I started
hanging out with you dudes.

Coincidence, Matthew.

Man, I do not miss being single.

I'm just so happy I
have Erica, you know?

- You're so lame, Geoff.
- We don't have to hear it.

Wait, that's it!

It's been in this
house the whole time!

Erica's bedroom.

There has to be
some answers in here.

Okay, guys, this is, like, a
huge invasion of Erica's privacy.

Dude, she's my sister. I
know her better than anyone.

She'd do anything
to help us out here.

Erica's very upset and
wants to talk to you.

- Really, dude?
- I know you're her brother,

but she's really pretty.

- (SIGHS)
- Barry. I will say this once.

Leave my room,
or I will end you.

Oh, you are so sweet.

Guys! She said, "Go
for it." We're good to go.

Put Geoff back on
the phone right now!

Yo, Geoff, she says she loves
you, and you're, like, totally the one.

I've been waiting
for this moment!

If you don't get out right now,

so help me God, I
will get on a bus and...

No, you're the best.

Geoffrey, tackle Barry!

- Love you.
- ERICA: Punch him in the nards!

We officially have Erica's
blessing. Let's do this!

Naked Rob, you and I
shall play the board game

where you literally
become a woman. Girl Talk.

Matthew, you take this Caboodle
and make friendship bracelets for all.

One of you lucky bros
is gonna get an anklet.

Andy, you read these
Judy Blume books.

Soak up all the
teenage lady writing

and see if God ever
responds to Margaret.

I hope it's a yes.

Geoff Schwartz,
you take Erica's diary

and read her inner-most
secret girl thoughts.

She's never let me read it
before. She finally trusts me.

Gentlemen, our
world changes today.

Let's get feminine.

Okay, our big
commercial's all done.

Yep. There's no
story, there's no effects,

there's no artistic
expression whatsoever.

I've never been more
proud of the kid in my life!

Are you looking for
high-quality furniture

at low prices?

Come on down to
the Ottoman Empire...

(GRUNTS) Where I will
personally fight high prices.

I am the Sofa Samurai,

and I will erase the
bloodlines of the competition!

- (GRUNTS)
- What the hell was that?

Don't ask me. Marvin
taped over my commercial.

ADULT ADAM: And that's
when things got weird.

My Uncle Marvin hijacked the
commercial. He was a space man...

Who was a lifeguard...

No credit? No
problem! I'll save you!

ADULT ADAM: Who
had a cyborg arm.

And I've been rebuilt by the
government to fight crime and high prices.

ADULT ADAM: It was a disaster.

So, come on down to the
Ottoman Empire. And bring the kids.

They can swing my sword
around and chop up stuff.

Ding. Freeze, freeze.

ADULT ADAM: It was classic
Marvin, and my dad had seen enough.

How do you do it, Marvin?

How do you literally
screw up everything?

MARVIN: What?

If anything, I spiced it up with swords,
and time travel, and furniture girls.

What's their story?

Tiffany and Megan.
They're actually good people.

I hope you don't mind. I
had to pay them in chairs.

I do mind! You can't just
give away our furniture

and promise that kids
can play with swords!

This is insane! I'm not
airing this stupidity. Ever.

Ooh.

(IMITATES MARVIN) Ooh?
What do you mean? Ooh?

What if I told you
there was a world

where people will see it
or have absolutely seen it?

- Which is it?
- Both.

I knew that you wouldn't
understand my vision, Mur,

so I had to go behind your back,

and I handed it off
to the local affiliates.

Wait. This already aired?

Okay, calm down.
The man means well.

You realize that's the worst
thing you can say about a person.

How is it bad if a
man means well?

Because it means he doesn't do
well. He's too busy being a moron.

That's it!

I refuse to work for someone
who thinks so little of me!

Great. Then don't
come in tomorrow.

- Are you firing me?
- No, you just quit.

No, no, no, no. I'm
just refusing to work.

- That is quitting.
- Which I didn't do!

Then fine. You're fired.

No, no, you can't
fire me. I already quit.

Too late. I fired you first.

Okay, so rehire
me so I can quit.

You're rehired.
Go ahead and quit.

- I'm staying.
- Then you're fired.

You would fire your
own brother? I quit!

- He means well.
- (GROANS)

ADULT ADAM: As
my uncle was quitting,

Barry and his pals were
ready to give up on girls.

Dude, Girl Talk sucks.

The only thing I've gotten from
this game is a bunch of zit stickers.

And I admitted I had a crush
on the hunky quarterback,

and he's so not my type.

You need a guy who
makes you laugh, man.

Andy? You have better luck
with that Judy Blume book?

You have no idea what
women go through each month.

I mean, it's crazy.

It still won't help us
get dates, but it's crazy.

Maybe the ol' Bevernator can
help you with your lady troubles.

Mom, stop invading our privacy
while we're invading Erica's privacy.

Maybe this is a chance
for our relationship

- to change for the better.
- It can't change.

Once you're a lame mom,
you're always a lame mom.

Well, once you graduate
from high school,

you're not gonna
need a mom anymore.

You're gonna need a
friend who knows things.

I want to be that
friend. Your lady bro.

Dude, a lady bro is
exactly what we need.

No. Last thing we need is for you to
mom us up with corny mom advice.

That is quite possibly the most
hurtful thing you've ever said to me.

I am so much more
than just a mom.

Now eat your prunes, so you can
get your tummy engine cooking.

No prunes! They're
just so... Wet.

It's been four days,
Barry. You need to make...

Mom, I'm fine.

You know, Essie Karp's
nephew's son held it in for that long,

and then he got on
a ferry to Nantucket...

I don't wanna hear
this stupid mom story.

They had to turn the
boat around, Barry.

I don't care about
Essie's nephew's son!

- A Coast Guard chopper was involved.
- Mom!

- People were jumping into the ocean.
- Mom!

- They had to decommission the boat.
- Mom!

Because he didn't
eat his prunes.

I think you've proven my point.

Well, suit yourself.

But just know that the
most attractive trait in a man

is when he makes on schedule.

No, Naked Rob! Drop the prunes!

I'm sorry, dude. I
need these prunes,

and I need a lady bro to
help me get a lady, bro.

My mother is not the
answer, Naked Rob.

Okay, see, that's the
problem right there.

This whole naked thing, Robert.

Girls don't like it when you
run up to them with no pants on.

Don't listen to her!

Your nudity is your
most redeeming quality.

So, you're saying if I get
dressed in the morning

and stay that way all day, then
women will be less revolted by me?

I'm not just
saying it. I know it.

Fine! But I guarantee
this will not work.

Dude, I can't believe it. My
mom actually helped the guy.

Um, could you tell
your friends to go?

No, Debbie! I'm
watching and learning.

Guys, please. This is
a big moment for me.

Do you guys actually think
my mom isn't just a mom?

Accept it, man. She's the
answer to all our problems.

ADULT ADAM: While
Barry had to admit defeat,

Uncle Marvin was
ready to take a victory lap.

What's going on? Why are
you here? I thought you quit.

(CHUCKLES) Don't
worry about me, Mur-Man.

I'm just here to let you know
that I landed a sweet new job.

- Oh, did you, now?
- Oh, yes, I did.

And I finally have a real
boss. One that I can respect.

(BLOWS KAZOO)

Make way...

(SINGING) For
Formica Michael Mikowitz

Well, well, well.
What do we got here?

A whole lot of crappy
furniture with no one to buy it.

So, you're working
for this putz now?

That's right. I just
snaked your top salesman.

- Must be killing you.
- No, I'm good.

No, but he's your brother,
and now he's working for me.

- The enemy.
- Yeah, well, things happen.

Wow, that's, uh...

That's not the reaction
I was expecting.

(CHUCKLES) Look at
him. It's eating him up inside.

I don't know. He doesn't seem
so put out by the whole thing.

No, no, no, no. You
don't know him like I do.

He is dying to take me
back. Okay. I'll come back.

Bup-bup. Nope, you see the sign.
Says "No refunds on damaged goods."

- (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
- (LAUGHS)

He's such a faker. (LAUGHS)
This is gonna be great!

I got concerns.

ADULT ADAM: It had been two days

since my Uncle Marvin's
crazy commercial had aired,

and when my dad arrived to work,

he was surprised to find
business was booming.

What's with all the people?

It's Marvin's farkakte commercial.
I think it actually worked.

No way. No one's here
to see a sweaty samurai.

Hey, where's the Sofa Samurai?

My kid wants to take a whack
at this recliner with that katana.

Unfortunately, the
Samurai is sick.

What? I drove two
hours to get here.

Uh, which is why you're
looking at the Mattress Magician.

What's that behind
your ear, huh?

Don't touch my son.

Uh, give us a second.

You gotta get your
brother back. We need him.

You know we're talking about
Marvin. I've never once needed him.

Until now.

His terrible ideas,
turns out, are great.

(GRUMBLES)

Fine. You don't want Marvin's
help, I'll work on my magic.

- Say, what's that behind your...
- Ah, stop it! I'll go talk to him.

ADULT ADAM: That day,
my dad wasn't the only one

who was asking for help
from the least likely person.

Double coupon? Don't mind
if I do-pon. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: Yep, the
unthinkable happened.

Barry went to my
mom for some girl talk.

Hey, Boofaloo.

(SIGHS)

As much as it
shocks me to say it,

you're not just a big-haired,
mom-shaped sweater lady.

Hurtful, but continue.

You helped Rob, which
means you're not only a mom.

You could actually be a
lady bro and help me get girls.

Shut your delicious little
face. You asked for my help!

Forget it! Forget
it. This is a mistake.

No, Barry, look into my eyes.

I will take this more seriously than
anything I've ever done in my life.

I just wanted some advice on
how to impress Jamie Weisman.

I've already tried both
aggressive rapping

and casual flexing
in a yellow tank top.

Uh-huh.

Have you considered
something simpler?

You mean like eating an
entire apple in one bite?

Or what if you just talk to her?

- Like, with a bullhorn?
- For now, just be yourself.

That's all women
really want. Sincerity.

Be sincere.

So, I speak with a British
accent and wear a monocle?

We'll get you there.

ADULT ADAM: And she did.

After a little training
from his lady bro,

Barry was ready
to win over his lady.

Whoa, whoa. What
am I looking at here?

Just a boy who took my advice

and is now chatting
to his future girlfriend.

- Are you nuts?
- What? What's wrong?

Jamie Weisman hangs with
the no-good bleacher creatures.

They spend every lunch
under there smoking

and listening to
that awful ska music.

And don't get me
started on the truancy.

Truancy? Well, that's a gateway
to being late for everything in life!

And the worst part is, they're
always sassing off at the mouth,

saying things like, "(BLEEP) this
school" and "(BLEEP) Mr. Glascott."

Kids can't speak that way.
This is un (BLEEP) believable.

Barry will not be a
part of that group.

Now, there's the
woman I know and fear.

Now get in there and break
up that boy's good time.

Well, I just became his bro. I
can't go back to being his mom.

But you're the mommiest mom
of all the moms I've ever met.

I don't know what to do!

What you always do. Ruin things.

Well, I'd love to,
but I just can't get...

Oh, hey. What's up, bro?

Your advice totally worked!

Jamie's coming over
after school to study.

Oh. She's already
coming over to study, huh?

That worked better
than I thought.

I'm sorry I said you're just a
mom. You made this happen. You.

(LAUGHS) And I feel
big feelings about it.

I gotta go buy some Drakkar so
I smell awesome when we study.

(CHUCKLING) Bye.

Drakkar?

That is the musk of
Europeans on holiday.

What have I done?

The worst thing any mom could
do. You became your son's bro.

ADULT ADAM: While my
mom was realizing her mistake,

my dad was gonna try to win
back the Formica King's jester.

Hey, uh, Marvin. You got a sec?

Uh, not for you.

I'm in the middle of a top-secret
project for Formica Mike.

- (BELLS JINGLING)
- Just stop jingling and...

- You can come back to my store.
- I knew it.

Sales have plunged since
your top salesman left.

Sure. If that's what
you want to hear.

Oh, I want a lot more than that.

I shall return to your employ should
you meet the following demands.

Demand number one,

I want stock
options. All of them...

We're not a public company,
moron. There is no stock.

I want 100 paid vacation days.

That's three months!

- I want my own parking spot...
- No.

- Toilet...
- No.

- Office...
- No.

And I'm going to change
the name of the store

to Marvin and Brother
Furniture Place.

All right, forget I asked.

(EXCLAIMING) Hold on. Fine.

All you have to say
is that you need me.

(SCOFFS) I'm not gonna do that.

Just say it, and all your
dreams will come true.

- I'm not gonna say it.
- Just say the words!

I don't need you,
and I never will.

Huh.

Fine. We're finished here.

(INHALES SHARPLY)
Leave your basement!

Or... Fine. I will leave.

(BELLS JINGLING)

ADULT ADAM: As my dad
showed Marvin the door,

my mom was showing Jamie
Weisman Barry's baby book.

And now here's Barry with
his head stuck in the banister.

And now there he is with
his head stuck in the fence.

(WHISTLING)

What?

We took a two-minute study
break so I could get snacks!

How did this happen so fast?

Relax. I'm just showing
your new friend some photos.

Bro. A word?

Sure thing, bro. Feel free to
peruse. There's some great pictures

of little Barry
making on the potty.

- (GIGGLES)
- Or close to the potty, you know. Enjoy.

What did you do?

I just showed her a photo album.

Like a mom. What
happened to being my bro?

I am your bro.

But not when it comes to
cool girls with bad intentions.

I was right. All you'll
ever be is a mom.

Damn it, I want to be more, I
do. But I just can't stop myself.

Well, I can.

This is the last time I
ask for your help. Ever.

- Everything cool?
- Yeah. I'm all studied out.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Just leave the door open when you
go. We need to air out the Drakkar stink.

ADULT ADAM: After refusing
to tell Marvin he needed him,

my dad got a surprise
visit from a guy who did.

Oh, God.

I came to say "Bravo."
You pulled it off perfectly.

(STAMMERS) What
are you talking about?

- Sabotage.
- What?

- Sabotage!
- What about it?

- Sabotage.
- Stop saying "Sabotage"!

You let me steal your
brother knowing full well

that he would destroy
my store from the inside.

Oh, what'd he do?

First, he mistook
the display toilet

- for "the real deal."
- Oh, geez.

Then he wants to
rearrange the stock room.

He loses control of the forklift,
he pops three water beds.

Now I gotta shut down because
he flooded my showroom.

Formica Mike, listen to me.

- This isn't sabotage.
- That wasn't sabotage?

No. I'm not smart enough,
and I know Marvin isn't.

Okay. Then, first, I'm
gonna fire the putz.

Then I'm gonna make
him pay for the water beds.

Don't do that. I'll
pay for it. (SIGHS)

Why would you do that?

(SIGHS) Because he
really does mean well.

You do know that that is the worst
thing that you could say about a person?

Oh, I'm aware.

Here ya go, Ad. Sorry
I stole your camera.

I guess that's the end of
my illustrious film career.

It had a lens cap and a case.

It sure did, pal.

Marvin? Can we, uh, talk? Again?

I don't think it's a good idea for
me to fraternize with the enemy.

Just shut up and listen. I
made a deal with Formica Mike.

You're coming back to work
on Monday at twice the pay.

He tell you about
the forklift incident?

- Yes.
- The miscommunication with the toilet?

- Yeah.
- He's gonna fire me, isn't he?

Do you want to come
back or don't you?

I don't get it. Why would
you take me back with a raise

when I'm just your dumb
kid brother who "means well"?

Well, this time you didn't
mean well. You did well.

Your stupid commercial is a hit.

And... (SIGHS) I
really need you.

You said it? He said it.

What do you say we make
another commercial? Together.

ADULT ADAM: In the end,
turns out all my Uncle Marvin

really wanted was to
be needed. And he was.

Hey, Booper.
Brought you a snacky.

- Not a prune in sight.
- Not hungry.

You got a 98 on your econ test?

That's why I studied with
Jamie. She gets straight A's.

Huh.

Guess I made a snap judgment
based on some bleachers.

I just got worried, and
the mom in me kicked in.

Whatever. It's my
fault for letting you in.

No. I want you to let me in.

You guys are getting older. You
don't need a mom like you used to.

But if I'm your friend, then
I can still be there for you.

I got plenty of friends.

But I only got one mom.

ADULT ADAM: That night, our
mom realized she could shine

just as bright in Barry's
life by being his mom.

While Uncle Marvin...

Like that?

ADULT ADAM: was enjoying
his time in the spotlight.

He really does mean well.

He really does.

(GRUNTS)

ADULT ADAM: And sometimes,
the people who mean well

end up being the
best surprises of all.

Mom? What are you doing here?

Schmoopie, you were
right. I can't be your friend.

I'm your mom, and
that's what you need,

and I am gonna mom it
up like you have never seen.

- Now?
- I've had enough, mister!

You're failing half of your classes
because of all your wild partying.

What are you doing?

Oh, you just party so
wildly. But it stops today.

The same with your
cool-but-dangerous stunts.

And your antics, which
are equally as wild.

- BARRY: Mom!
- And you, you're the one who tutored

my can't-be-tamed
son the other day, right?

Um, yeah.

Great. Well, now you're gonna
tutor him in all his subjects, huh?

Don't argue with me.
What I say is final.

- Moms, huh?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.

They're the worst.

(EXCLAIMS)

Come on down to the Ottoman
Empire, where the Sofa Samurai

is slashing all
our prices in half!

And I am but a
simple radish farmer.

O Noble warrior, won't you
protect us from high prices?

ADULT ADAM: That's
the thing about family.

Everyone has a part to play.

And when the people you
love are playing themselves,

well, that's a show
you don't want to miss.

(EXCLAIMS, YELLS)

Crazy Eddie's
having a pillow sale!

Every pillow you can see!

Big pillows, large pillows,
throw pillows, every pillow!

And it's only for
this special month!

Oh!

Call a guy and tell
him something gross.

Ew, never. I'll
take a zit sticker.

I knew you'd still be here!

Erica! You came home to see me.

No, I came home to fight
you all for invading my privacy!

But Barry said you
were fine with it.

That is not what I said, Erica.

What I told them
was... Run, JTP!

BOYS: JTP!

Okay, I get you're mad,

but can I at least get a
kiss before you flip out?

Yeah, I'm going back to school.

Wait. That's
not... But I didn't...