The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - A Wall Street Thanksgiving - full transcript

Uncle Marvin returns with a proposition for the family, while Beverly's plans for Thanksgiving dinner goes awry.

ADULT ADAM: Ah, the '80s.

Back then, the
economy was booming.

Everyone wanted a piece of it.

The clothes were loud and shiny.

The phones were big and silly.

And the movie that best
captured all that decadence

was Wall Street.

It was a tale of rich
guys getting richer,

and no one loved it more
than my Uncle Marvin.

He made it his life mission
to teach us his favorite motto,

"Greed is good."

That's right. Cadillac.

The "Cadillac of cars."

- Whoa!
- I'm a real stock broker now

inspired by the
lovable character

that Michael Douglas plays
in the movie Wall Street.

Check out my shoulder
pads. Feel that power.

- Wow.
- Do you like that?

So soft, but so commanding.

I can set you up with
my shoulder pad guy.

My shoulders have always
been my problem area.

Then let me teach
you the secrets

of becoming a rich
Wall Street titan.

No, no, no. Do
not listen to him.

You don't even know
what we're talking about!

Oh, let me guess.

Cutting corners and stupid
get-rich-quick schemes.


We're talking about
cutting corners

and smart
get-rich-quick schemes.

Barry, whatever this
moron says, do the opposite.

(SCOFFS) You really gonna
do the opposite of the guy

who has a toe ring
on every single toe?

Doesn't matter.

My dad'll never let
me play the stocks.

I already promised him
I'd become a stupid doctor,

so I could help save
people's stupid lives.

Please. You want tacky wood
paneling or classy gold spray paint?

But Murray says
becoming a doctor

is the smartest
decision of my life.

You sound crazy right now.

It takes eight years
to become a doctor.

I can make that kind of
cheddar in eight seconds.

That sounds right.

Everything sounds right with
your hair slicked back, baby.

Screw medicine! Screw it!

I hereby renounce my dreams

for whatever it is
that got you that suit.

Exactly! What has medicine
ever done for anybody?

You, my son, are
ready for these.


- How do I look?
- Rich.

And a little crazy,
I'm not going to lie.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was Thanksgiving,

the day that my universe
would literally change forever.

E.T. the video game?


Oh, sweet glorious balls!

It's the commercial
for the new E. T. game.

I love you, Atari!
You are a god!

Are girls still a thing
for boys in high school?

Remember this moment, Pops.

After today, our
lives change forever.

Different things excite us.

prepared for the arrival of E.T.,

Erica had just landed
home from college.

Brace yourself, Geoff.

I don't know which direction
my mom's coming at me,

but she's coming in hard.

Schmoopaloo! Oh!

Where did she come from? I
was looking that exact direction.

Oh, my baby's finally
home from college

and back in my loving arms.

- So loving and strong.
- I'm sorry.

It's just this is the best thing

that's ever happened
to me in, like, ever.

Glad to see you're
in such a good mood.

Usually at Thanksgiving, you're
a frazzled, gravy-stained mess.

Well, not this year.

The "Bevolution"
has begun, baby!


My journey of change
and personal growth.

Surely you've heard
of it. It's a very big deal.

I've been busy with school
and getting into college and stuff.

Well, this year, Turkey Day
is all about taking it easy.

So, you're not going to
cook for days without sleep

and then break down crying because
your ungrateful children won't help?

That me is dead and gone.

This year, I've invited
50 people over for potluck.

I heard Coach is bringing his
famous protein-packed string beans.

I have to eat the Coach's food?

I'm very depressed now.

He can bring whatever he wants.

ADULT ADAM: Yep. It'd be a
casual Thanksgiving for my mom.

But not for my sister,

who came home with
a whole lot of baggage.

Take a break, Geoff. I
really have to talk to you.

Oh, come on! I've only
been here for two minutes!

Thanks for ruining
my life, Erica!

Okay, what's
happening right now?

We both know what's happening.
You're dumping me. I knew it.

What? Why would you think that?

It's Thanksgiving break. It's when
people come home from college,

and break up with their
high school sweetheart.

It's a rite of passage. They
call it the "Turkey Drop."

Listen, you big
idiot, I love you.

I'm not dumping you.

Yes! Love wins!

No, Geoff. Stop
unpacking and listen.

Oh, sorry, yeah. What
was the serious talk about?

Nothing much. I'm just in
crippling credit-card debt.

What? Who would
give you a credit card?

- You're completely irresponsible.
- I know!

I was just walking to class,

and there was this booth
with this really friendly dude

who said if I'd
fill out this form,

then I would get a credit card
and a really cute beach tote.

- So, what do you owe?
- Nothing to freak out over.

$3,000? At 33% interest?

I know... Pretty good, right?

Oh, God, no! You are
completely clueless.

But I love you. Don't
break up with me.

Relax. I have a plan,
but I need your help.

- Whatever you need.
- Okay.

You coldly dump me
in front of my mom,

and then I run into her
arms crying my eyes out,

thereby lowering her defenses,

so that when I ask for the
money, she has to say "Yes."

Wait, so we are breaking up?

- Yes, but not for real.
- But it'll feel real to me.

I'm too sensitive
for this bull crap.

Seriously, Geoff? If you can't
be there for me in a time of need,

then why are we even together?

God, now you're actually
breaking up with me!

Never mind. I'll just
figure it out on my own!

On your own, like, as a
single woman, on your own?

- No! God!
- Wha!

ADULT ADAM: While my
sister was trying to figure out

how to get out of debt, my
brother was going to get rich quick

in my uncle's boiler room.

Welcome to Wall
Street, gentlemen.

I'm sure that Barry
has filled you in

on the basics of our
little business endeavor.

He told us we could triple
our money in three days.

I can't make any promises.

But what I can do is promise
that it will happen for sure.

- No question!
- I like those odds. Cough it up, JTP!

- JTP.
- JTP.

- JTP.
- Boom! Nest egg, baby!

- 1,000 bucks?
- My entire inheritance from Aunt Rose.


She left me nothing, man.

I let her take my arm
to walk to the car once...

Doesn't matter. All
right. Let's get rich.

What am I doing,
huh? I'm pacing, right?

Stock brokers never stand still.

They're like sharks on cocaine.

What you want
is a dollop of gel.

This is your phone! Always
scream into your phone!

It makes you sound
scary and important!

Make sure you can't
see fingers at all.

(YELLING) Fire my
secretary! Hire a secretary!

Well, how was your
weekend, Claude?

Every hair must be in place,

because if not, it
shows weakness.

If you're gonna work the floor,
you got to know the hand signals.

Buy... Sell...

Short the stock! Long the stock!

Shred the evidence.
I will fight all of you.

Why'd you let the
Feds into my office?

Call my wife. Tell
her that I'm sorry.

Please don't send me to
jail. I will rat out everyone!



Hey, Marvin, is that your
Cadillac in the driveway?

Saw a couple of hobos scraping
up the gold with a pocket knife.

Get the hell away from the...

Where are the hobos?

There are no hobos.

Whatever harebrained
scheme you're up to,

I want Barry out of it.

I am just trying
to teach your son

how to be like Charlie Sheen
from the movie Wall Street.

He betrays his father and
goes to prison in that movie.

Thanks for blowing the ending!

Barry finally made a good
decision to be a doctor.

I'm not going to let you ruin it
with one of your bonehead rackets.

My "rackets" are not boneheaded.

Oh, yeah? How
about formal pajamas?

Baby college?

Powdered yogurt?

Dogs for dogs?

Foot mittens?

Spoons made out of meat?

Airplanes that just drive?

Ground planes was a good idea.

That's called a bus!

Clearly, I know what I'm doing,

or else Barry wouldn't trust
me with his life inheritance.

Lucky for Barry,
I don't trust you.

Ground planes was a good idea.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad was
sabotaging Barry's new career,

my sister was about to
work our mom for some cash.

Did you know there's a
wonderful parade on Thanksgiving?

Seriously, why have I
been torturing myself

every year at Thanksgiving

when it is so much easier to
let Virginia Kremp do everything?

Bevy, do you have another pan?

I think we're
crowding the carrots.

- You got this, Ginzy.
- I really don't!

This is the best
Thanksgiving ever!

It's not.

Me and Geoff had a fight.

Ooh. Is he going to get it!

No, no, no. Don't bring it up
to him. Just take my word for it.

I can't actually stir the gravy

and baste the bird at
the same time. Can't do it.

Point is, I could really use
your love and help right now.

- Can't do it. Only one woman.
- You name it, Schmoopy.

Whatever I can
do, I'm here for you.


(MUTTERS) Give me $3,000 so
I can pay off my credit-card debt?


Who the hell would
give you a credit card?

I know I messed up,

but you can't be mad,
because my heart still hurts

- from that fight I mentioned earlier.
- VIRGINIA: Oh, oh!

ERICA: Mommy, please.

Rescue your little squishy,
snuggly shmoopie-woopie

from the mean money man.

- No way!
- I just picked up

- a whole pan of hot yams.
- Erica, you spent the money.

That means you got to
figure out a way to pay it back.

But you're supposed
to bail me out,

and I learn some
stupid life lesson

and we both go
on our merry ways.

If I bail you out, you'll
never learn a lesson!

Viva la Bevolution!

sweet buttered corn!

Keep going, Ginzy.
I believe in you.

- Beverly, please! Beverly!
- I really hate the Bevolution.

VIRGINIA: This is your home!

Geoff, stop organizing my tapes.

- Did it work?
- No!

Can you believe my mom
didn't just hand over $3,000?

Maybe I can help. I'm
pretty good with money.

You have money? I need
money. Can I have your money?

Well, it's from my Bar Mitzvah
and it's kind of for college.

It's perfect. I'm in college.

Yeah, I... I guess I can go
down to the bank with my mom,

so she can co-sign
the withdrawal and...

Please. We know that Linda
will be a big jerk and say, "No."

Right. She's the worst! I'll
never forgive her for this!

Are you just agreeing with
me so I don't dump you?

No! Yes! I don't know! I'm
totally freaking out, man.

I just sold out my
own mother so fast!

I should be the one freaking
out, Geoff. I'm so screwed.

Well, on the bright side, at least
you didn't sink all your money

into some investment
scam like Barry.

Investment scam.
What investment scam?

Oh, no! Please don't join
your uncle's illicit "Boiler Room."

They have a boiler room? Where?

In your basement,
next to the actual boiler.

Sweet! All I have to
do is get a credit card,

take out a cash advance, and get in
on my uncle's shady get-rich scheme.

I love you.


All right, JTP minus Geoff.

JTP minus Geoff!

Now that insane riches
shall be showered upon us,

it is crucial we make smart
decisions on how to spend it.

I'm going to do that
Duck Tales thing,

where I dive into a
mountain of gold coins.

I can't decide
whether I want a bidet

or a butler who
will do bidet stuff.

That's a private decision, bro.

Big news, fellas.

I pooled all of your cash
into this perfect investment.

It's an electronics company,
and they sell computer thingies.

- Score!
- Wall Street!

- Dow Jones!
- I'm not done, yet.

As of this morning, our
stock has gone up 25 points.

Is that good or terrible?

Tell us how to feel.

We quadrupled our
money. We're rich!

We're rich, we're
rich, we're rich!

Except for Barry. Because
your dad pulled the check out,

- you get squat.
- What?

Most of us are rich,
most of us are rich!

This is insane. How could
you just turn your back on me?

I guess 'cause we're
millionaires now and you're not.

Yeah, we just don't have that
much in common anymore, you know.

But this literally
just happened.

Chin up, bud. I'm always
going to be your uncle.

I mean, I may not see you as
much now that I'm rich as God,

and you're just some
middle-class piece of garbage.

My dad is so dead!

Can you not do that?

We don't scream
now that we're rich.

BARRY: I'm middle class!


buttering up my mom had failed,

it was time for my sister to
solve the problem herself.

Hi. Are you headed
into First National Bank?

Uh, yeah.

Because I can literally
save you tens of seconds

by handling all your
important banking matters

right here at
this folding table.

Ninth National
Bank? Is that a thing?

It sure is. We may be ninth,

but we always put our
customers first at this bank.

Not actually a bank,
not FDIC insured.

Doesn't matter. I need a
credit card, and I need one fast.

Normally, it takes
about two weeks.

But I can see you're not
here for any weird reason.

- Definitely not.
- So what's your name?

It's... Uh...

See, people don't
normally pause this much

on the most basic
question there is.

It's Beverly. Beverly Goldberg.

Perfect, Beverly.
One moment, please.


Beverly, I have great news.
Your credit is excelente,

so I just need to
see a photo ID.

Yeah... It's...

- Hurry up, please.
- There it is.

Well, your thumb is
over the first name,

but I can see your
last name is Goldberg,

so let's get you
that credit card.

Great! Great!

And I would like to
take a cash advance

made out to Erica Goldberg.

Whatever you need, Beverly.


This is it, Dad.

E. T. the video game has landed.

- Go away.
- I knew you'd say that,

which is why I made a
yummy trail of Reese's Pieces

to distract you while I play.

Damn it, you're
making me bend down.

But I can't stop!

ADULT ADAM: This was it...

The moment the blockbuster
met a legendary game maker.

Look at these awesome
graphics, Lucky.

Classic Atari. Let's do this.

Dude, look at E.T. go... Slowly.

He's moving slowly.

Fell in a little pit there.

No big deal. I'll get him out.

(GRUNTS) Damn it!



Not again!

How is E.T. supposed to get home

if he keeps falling
in these pits?

I just died in the
pit. E.T. is dead.

Argh! None of this
is from the movie!

Father, I've come for
the money you owe me.

I'll take it in thousand
dollar bills. Go!

- What's this about?
- Marvin's stock went through the roof

and I got jack!

Well, I did not see that coming.

Well, even a broken
clock is right twice a day.

This has nothing to
do with telling time!

Look, I only took your check
'cause I was trying to protect you.

From what?

Having an amazing life
with a personal sandwich chef

and a top hat made of diamonds?

Trust me, you don't want to
live the crazy life of Marvin.

Your boring old
life is so great.

- I got no complaints.
- You should!

All you do is take off
your pants, watch TV,

and raise a bunch of
ungrateful, awful kids.

You're one of those
ungrateful kids.

You're insulting
yourself, you moron!

Point is, last thing I want is
some pathetic life like yours.

So that's how you feel.

Fine. Here.

- Take it.
- And to think I was gonna buy the Eagles

and let you kick a
field goal every game.

Make me rich!

Big Tasty's back in,
baby! Hope it's not too late.

So you don't make $100 million,

you make $50,
does it even matter?

It does not!

Make me rich! That is $500.

Can you turn that into
$3,000 in, like, five hours?

Sure. If there's anything
I know about stocks,

it's that they're
always going up, right?

I don't think you
understand the basics

- of how the economy works.
- Bup-bup!

So what's this awesome
company that we're investing in?

They sell these electronic
computer thingies.

And what exactly
are the "thingies"?

They're called Ataris,

and that's Japanese
for "Sure Thing."

Yeah, hello, buy
all the Atari stock.

Do it! Thank you, Jessica.

Atari? Why does
that sound so familiar?

And in financial news,
Atari stock has taken a hit

due to weak sales
of its E.T. video game.

This is not good.

Legend says they're burying all
the unsold copies in the desert.

Why didn't you tell us
about that game, nerd?

It is literally all I've
been talking about!

You know we don't
listen when you speak.

She's right. This is
all your fault. Get him!

Now I owe even more money.

How could you let
me do this, Geoff?

Me? All I wanted
was to stay together,

but what's the point?

Your credit's in the crapper. Now
we'll never afford a starter home.

Starter home?

I thought we were going to
live in the city for a few years.

You know, mattress on the
floor like young starving artists.

We can't even afford a
bed frame? That's no life!

I'm going to be an ophthalmologist.
I need a good night's sleep.

So you're just going to
put your work above me?

Your head is always
at the office, Geoffrey.

Why are you making me
choose? I put in the hours for you!

Hey, he's right,
Erica. He works hard.

Get off his back.

Do not side with him.

Because of you, I had to
take out a Mexican credit card

in my mom's name.

- You did what?
- Mom! Hi!

Before you get mad, just remember
that the new Beverly is super chill

and doesn't mix in
when her kids screw up.

You mixed me right in
when you stole my identity!

That's only because
my dopey uncle

promised me riches in a
fast and unrealistic way.

How dare you
disparage my good name.

I run a reputable boiler room

in the basement with
a teenage clientele.

You know what? I don't
have to explain myself to you.

I am so out of here!

No! No! Nobody leaves!

It is Thanks (BLEEP) giving!

Hi. Things sounded
kind of tense in there,

so we figured we'd wait it out.

ADULT ADAM: Our potluck
Thanksgiving had finally arrived.

And in true Goldberg tradition,

it was not off to a great start.

VIRGINIA: Yoo-hoo!

Why don't we go around the table

and everyone say one
thing that you're thankful for.

Can someone send
some turkey to the foyer?

I'm thankful my daughter
hasn't changed at all

since going to college.

She's still the same
as she's always been.


Shady and selfish.

Shellfish? We're
having shellfish?

What kind of
Thanksgiving is this?

Well, I'm thankful for my
mom, who abandoned me,

which is why I went
to my ridiculous uncle.

Well, I'm thankful for Murray,

who taught his kids to
disrespect me as much as he does!

Well, I am thankful
for my moron brother,

who derailed my son's
future in less than 12 hours!

Please don't turn this fun tradition
into something ugly and spiteful.

Well, I'm thankful
for my father,

who wants me to be
lame and boring like him.

- Please!
- And I'm thankful for my idiot son,

who insults me to my core even
though I'm just trying to help him.

And I'm thankful... Shut up!

Did you really think I was not
going to find out about that?

Come down here and
say that to my face.

Oh, no, the giant man
is eating all the turkey!

It never even got to me!

This is why I don't
invite you anywhere!

You know I need a
constant stream of protein!

Somebody say something nice now!

Happy Thanks...

Go around the back.

Something's blocking the door.

It's me! Go around!

ADULT ADAM: There, in the
clatter of everybody arguing,

my family started to realize

perhaps they had forgotten
the things that matter most.

Lucky for my sister, not
everyone did that day.

Geoff, what is this?

My Bar Mitzvah money.

It should be enough
to pay your mom back.

Wow, you'd do that for me?

Of course.

Erica, I want to take care of
you for the rest of our lives.

And I want to take care of you.

Which is why I can't take this.


I'm not gonna have
someone bail me out again.

It's up to me to fix it.

I mean, if my mom can become
a better person, then so can I.

Wow. That's really responsible,

and kind of strange to hear
coming out of your mouth.

But I like it.

Yeah, I do, too.

For the record,

I'd do the whole mattress
on the floor thing for you.

For the record, I'm never
breaking up with you.

And I think it's gonna
be a long, long time

ADULT ADAM: That day, Erica
realized it was time to stand on her own.

And after everything,

my dad was ready to step
up to lend Marvin a hand.


I took a hit on my stock,

so I figured I'd
pawn my hubcaps.

Burning out his
fuse up here alone

Don't. Here.

What, do you want
to play the market?

Keep it. Happy Thanksgiving.


Oh, thank you!

Oh, thank you so
much! Thank you.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
my brother saw that the best life

wasn't necessarily
the flashiest life.


Did you just bail
out Uncle Marvin?

Yeah, he's family.
It's what we do.

Well, I don't want to be the guy

who you always have to bail out.

Who do you want to be?


Till touch down brings
me round again to find

I'm not the man they
think I am at home

Oh, no, no, no

I think this belongs to you.

"Ninth National Bank".

You should cut it
up, like, immediately.

- Well, that would be a start.
- I know.

Which is why I'm going to take
a work-study to pay you back.

And I'm sure it'll take a long
time for you to forgive me,

but I promise...

I forgive you.

- Really?
- I know what I said.

The thing is,

I'm always gonna wanna
swoop in and save you.

But I think we both know, in the
end, it doesn't help either of us.

I'm proud of you, Mom.

You're really trying to change.

Kind of makes me
want to change, too.

You know, this whole
thing has made me think

maybe there are some
things in this family

that should never be touched.

Like what?

And I think it's gonna
be a long, long time

ADULT ADAM: And so, we went
back to our usual Thanksgiving.

When I think back to my
family sitting around that table,

everyone together
happy and healthy...

Those were the
best times of my life.

Truth is, I couldn't
see it then,

but those are the richest
memories I'm most thankful for.


Oh, hello, Miss Goldberg.
Back for another credit card?

Perhaps a small business
loan? I know you're good for it.

Cut the crap. You
and I both know

that I'm not Beverly, and
you're not a legit bank.

- Cancel this account.
- Of course. I'd be delighted to.


Little snaff here.

You opened this
with Ninth National.

As you can see, that's not us.

Do what she says now!

Mom, I thought you said

that you weren't gonna
swoop in and save me anymore.

I know. But Mama's
name is on that card,

so Mama's gonna
take this one last ride.

Okay, I can see that
you mean business.

And, unfortunately,
mine is closed!

Take a free
clipboard! Feel free!