The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Jackie Likes Star Trek - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Ah, nerd love.

The beautiful union
of comic book junkies

with the same pop
culture interests.

Back in the '80s,
before the Internet,

it was impossible to
find your geeky soulmate.

But, by sheer fate,
I met Jackie Geary,

and, man, was the force
of nerd love strong with us.

I can't believe you made me
a Beaker from the Muppets!

You so get me!

(IMITATES BEAKER)

ADULT ADAM: She
really did get me.



We both loved all the same
marshmallow-based movies.

We both wore geeky T-shirts.

And we were even the
only two kids in class

to spend our
allowance on a modem.

It was pure, awkward
nerd love, and I was in deep.

When Jackie kissed me,

I lost all sense of
space, time, and words.

Miyo!

Yes! Ed McMahon!

You are correct, sir!

ADULT ADAM: And then
it all came crashing down.

Boom! Halloween
just got awesome.

We're gonna be the universe's
greatest power couple,

Han Solo and Princess Leia.



Star Wars, um...

- Polite pass.
- Wait, you don't like Star Wars?

How do you not like Star
Wars? Everyone likes Star Wars.

Well, sure, I enjoy lighter fare

just as much as the next girl.

It's about the Dark Side!

How can it be lighter fare?

In the last movie, there
were walking teddy bears.

(YELLS) They're Ewoks! And
they helped defeat the damn Empire!

No, no.

Let's not yell. We're
just calmly debating.

ADULT ADAM: The truth was
out. Jackie liked stupid Star Trek!

Actually, there is no debate.

Trek is better
because it's about

humanity's quest for
knowledge and peace.

A quest for peace in
the stars means no wars,

which means the
entire point of Star Trek

is to eliminate
Star Wars! No, no!

We're just talking. I'm
not super angry at all!

This is our first
costume as a couple.

It's a very big statement,

which is why I should be
Uhura and you should be Spock.

You want me to go out in public

with a bowl cut
and pointy elf ears?

No, no. (EXHALES)

We're in love.

Which is why I think we should
get an independent third party

with no skin in the game.

Father, which do you like best?

Star Wars or Star Trek?

Which is the one
with the purple fish?

Neither of them
have purple fish.

Star Wars has got the
guy with the little feet, right?

I have no idea who
you're talking about!

- Do you mean Yoda?
- No...

- Hammerhead?
- No...

- Jawas?
- No!

I'm talking about the one
guy with the weird head.

- You mean Jabba the Hutt?
- No.

- Greedo?
- No.

- Admiral Ackbar?
- No.

- Aunt Beru?
- Aunt Beru?

Gah! I can't do this right now!

Jackie and I have major
problems to deal with.

And that is how you get out
of a ridiculous conversation.

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
Halloween, 1980-something,

and my brother was conjuring
the restless spirits of the dead

with a toy he bought
for seven bucks.

ALL: J-T-P.

- Dude, you're pushing it.
- No, you're pushing it.

You're all pushing it!

What if nobody's pushing it?

ALL: Whoa.

I'll go first. Oh,
mystical Ouija.

Will there ever be more
lenient laws on public nudity?

Please say yes. Come on!

- Yes! Naked Rob wins.
- I got one.

Will I still hit that senior-year
growth spurt my mother promised me?

- My mother lied!
- My turn!

Dear Mr. Ouija, I know
me and Lainey broke up,

but does she still love me with
every fiber of her slamming bod?

- Dude!
- Forget Lainey.

I can't help it! She's
visiting Erica this weekend.

It's like every time
I close my eyes,

I smell her Debbie Gibson
Electric Youth perfume.

That's just me.
What? It's unisex.

Let the Ouija answer!

Does Lainey want me back?

Now, gently rest your fingers
upon the plastic pointer thingy.

Oh, no, my life is worthless!

But will Barry instead
marry Alyssa Milano

and have three
kids and six jet skis?

Interesting.

Okay, next question, Mr. Ouija.

Will I be a multi-platinum
rap sensation

and own my own
brand of diet soft drinks?

- Come on.
- Get over here.

You see? It is
you guys moving it!

Dude, when you ended
things with Lainey,

you both promised to
give each other space.

- We just wanna see you happy.
- You're right.

No more calling Lainey.

On an unrelated note, Geoff,
what's my sister's number?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Just making my weekly phone call

to make sure our
bond is still strong.

You have never once called
me before this very moment.

The last words you
said to me were,

"Your bedroom is
now my fart closet."

(LAUGHS) That
does sound like me.

Anyhoo, how's it
going? Having fun?

Learning stuff? Are
you near Lainey?

(SHOUTS) And I
don't care about you!

Put her on the phone!

ERICA: Dude, no.

I'm gonna do what's best for
both of you right now and hang up.

- (DIAL TONE BUZZING)
- Please, Lainey, come back!

Dude, he is obsessed.

(SCOFFS) So
emotionally out of control.

Gosh, I miss that
cute, shouty, red face.

Stop. You both agreed that
radio silence was for the best.

I guess. It's just so much
harder than I thought.

Well, tonight's Halloween party
is the biggest rager of the year.

Forget my lame brother.

You're right. I'm gonna
go get my costume.

Let's Barry.

I mean, "party." Ugh!

Pops, thank God you're here!

There's a major crisis
between me and Jackie.

Only my love guru can help.

This is why I sit
here waiting all day.

Lay it on me, kiddo.

Hang on to your hat.

Turns out, Jackie likes Star
Trek more than Star Wars.

- What do I do?
- About what?

It's a fact. Force Freaks
and Trekkies never get along.

We're sworn enemies.

Okay, here's what you do.

- Nothing. 'Cause it's all dumb.
- Dumb?

If I date a Trekkie, I lose all
my street cred with my boys!

And just where is this street,
and who are these boys?

Me and Jackie are doomed.

There's no saving
this relationship.

Pardon me. I couldn't
help but overhear

through the vent in
the upstairs bathroom.

Schmoo, if you want
relationship advice,

just look at me and your dad.

We've been making
it work for 25 years.

Making it work.

Sure, we bicker.

- But in the end, we always compromise.
- Right you are.

There's no reason you can't do that
with your space movies, right, Mur?

When you're right,
you're right, Bevy.

He's a lug, but I love him.

Lady loves a lug.

Smack-diggity!

Don't do a damn thing she said.

- Uh, what? But I...
- Shut up, shut up! Listen to me.

In any healthy relationship,
there is no compromise.

- So what is there?
- Total defeat.

Your only choice?
Become a shell of a man.

What? That sounds
like a horrible way to live.

It is, but it works.

It keeps your mom
and I chugging along.

And that's what I want
with Jackie. To chug forever.

Then meet me in your
room in five minutes.

- Can't we just...
- No!

It's not safe here.

It's not safe.

ADULT ADAM: While
my dad was acting spooky,

Barry was feeling haunted
by his own lost love.

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello? Someone there?

Lainey?

I'm telling you!

I saw her clear as
day in the Wawa.

Dude, there's no way it was
Lainey. She's with Erica, remember?

Which is why there's only
one other logical explanation.

I'm being haunted by the blonde
spirit of my broken relationship.

This is our fault.

We tried to use the Ouija
to get you over Lainey,

but instead, we just
got her into your head.

No, Matthew.

You think it was all a game,

but much like the horror
masterpiece Witchboard,

you've opened a
portal to the other side.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Run home. (PANTING)

Run home!

There are ghosts everywhere!

ANDY: Enough, man!

We were pushing around
a little, tiny plastic triangle

I bought at a toy store.

Which is exactly how
Witchboard started.

- Oh, no!
- Dude, don't encourage him!

- (DOORBELL RINGING)
- When will you learn?

None of you are safe!

Look at me, bro.

There is no ghost of Lainey.

- (DOORBELL RINGING)
- (GROANS)

- We need to talk.
- (SCREAMS)

It's a sexy ghost!

ADULT ADAM: As my brother
came face to face with his past,

my dad was gonna help me
secure my future with Jackie.

Son, today, I'm gonna pass
on to you my greatest legacy,

how to be a shell of a man.

Your legacy seems sad.

- This is all I've got.
- Totally fair.

Lesson one, the think and nod.

When your woman's
asking you your opinion,

you act like you're
thinking about it,

and then you nod in agreement.

But if my answer is
always a dumb nod,

won't Jackie catch on?

You'd think so.

But deep down, they
don't want our opinions.

- But I...
- Lesson two, the smile and echo.

Whenever your
girl is jabbering on,

you smile at her

and then you echo the
last thing she says to you.

That can't possibly work.

Bevy, what was that thing you
wanted me to do with the thing?

You mean shopping for towels?

Yeah, shopping for towels.

Don't you worry.
I just picked up

this adorable set
from the clearance bin.

Don't you love them?

I love them!

And I love you. In fact,

I'm gonna go make you that
butterscotch pudding you like so much.

See? I like getting along.

- I gotta take some notes.
- No, no!

There can't be a paper trail!

Don't worry, I'll
write it in code.

Question.

Isn't it soul crushing to
never share your opinions?

Sure. But that brings
us to our final lesson,

- the tampening.
- The tampening?

You tamp down
all the rage and fury

deep into your
body like this. Watch.

(SIGHS)

That can't be good for you.

But the pudding helps.

ADULT ADAM: Armed with
my dad's shameful legacy,

I decided to put his
love tips to the test.

Hey. There she is.

Jackie.

Crackerjack. Jack-o-lantern.

Halloween.

Hey, I know that we left
things off on a weird note.

Nah, we're... We're good.

ADULT ADAM: I was ready to finally
become a man by becoming a shell of one.

Actually, I've come around
on the Star Trek thing.

Wait, really? You're
gonna be my Spock?

And so, I hit Jackie

with each and every one of
my dad's relationship techniques.

- I nodded.
- I'll... I'll be your Spock.

Oh, my God! You're, like,
the best boyfriend ever.

- And I echoed.
- I...

I am, like, the
best boyfriend ever.

- And finally...
- I rented Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.

Should we watch it?

(GROANS)

And I tampened like I'd
never tampened before.

Come on.

(STRAINING)

Yeah.

I will watch your thing.

ADULT ADAM: That day, I
made my dad a proud man.

Okay. (GIGGLES)

And that's why I
became a father.

Really? You became a dad

so you could teach
your son to be a jackass?

Hey! There she is!

Stop it!

How could you teach
him all these terrible tricks?

What tricks?

The think and nod?
The smile and echo?

How'd you learn
about those tricks?

Adam wrote 'em down!

You cracked Adam's code?

You mean just not
using vowels? Yes.

How could you teach our son that
that's how our relationship works?

Because that is how it works.

You don't want my opinions
about how ugly your towels are.

You hate my towels?

Those towels are
soft and beautiful.

- Those towels are soft and beautiful.
- Well, thank you.

I mean, that's... Gah! Stop it!

All right, listen to me. No
more being a shell of a man.

From now on, you're
gonna be filled with opinions.

- And pudding?
- No!

I want your thoughts
and feelings on everything,

so Adam can see
how we compromise.

Now we are gonna
go to the store,

and you are gonna
pick out the towels.

I told you not to write
it down, you moron!

What's that all about?

Who knows?

Let's just focus on
the thing we both love,

Star Trek IV: Spock
Does San Francisco.

You ruined a life today!

ADULT ADAM: True. And
yet, I saved my relationship.

ADULT ADAM: Thanks to
my dad's tampening technique,

I survived two whole hours
of Star Trek with my girlfriend.

You know what?
This movie's right.

We really do have
to save the whales.

We do have to save the whales!

It's all so brilliant
and preachy.

No, no. Tamp it down.

What?

Love you!

ADULT ADAM: Oh, sweet
balls! I was in science fiction hell.

Meanwhile, Barry was back
in a Lainey-filled paradise.

So that was you at the Wawa.

I thought you were
visiting Erica this weekend?

I bailed and hopped a bus here.

I just had to see you.

- I knew it!
- Let me finish, Barry.

I came back to say
this face-to-face.

I'm in Georgia now.

I've moved on. It's time
for you to move on, too.

You're right.

Thank you for being so
mature and understanding.

ADULT ADAM: And
so, they finally moved on.

- Or not.
- Because I love you

and I want you back now!

Say yes or I will literally die!

I knew it again! Yes!

Someone do something!

Guys, we all
know how hard it is,

but don't just
jump back into this

without really
thinking it through.

- Okay.
- ADULT ADAM: And think they did.

Searching deep in their hearts.

And then said, "Screw it."

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Guess who's back together
and in total love... (BLEEPING)

Start clapping, or I'll
fight everyone in this gym!

ADULT ADAM: Barry and Lainey's
love was lifted to new heights.

Meanwhile, I was looking like a
dumb-ass Keebler Elf with a bowl cut!

Aw, you look as
cute as a button.

I do look as cute as a button.

We're gonna have the
best Halloween ever.

We are gonna have
the best Halloween ever.

You're acting weird.

I am acting weird.

See? We agree on
everything and you're happy.

MURRAY: Hey, Adam!

Come in the bathroom
and take a look at this!

You won't believe it!

Uh, I think we all have a sense
of what you're capable of, Dad!

MURRAY: Just get
in here! See this?

We went shopping,
I gave my opinion,

and now I got the
towel of my dreams.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, all dads
love huge, comfy, plain white towels,

and this one was
the stuff of legend.

You can wrap yourself
in it like it's a bedspread,

but it's a towel.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out my mom
had some tampening skills of her own.

And she used them to
desperately remain positive.

Fun fact, uh, it's so big,

I can only wash one
of those at a time.

Your mom's right.

This compromise
thing, it really does work!

You can dry a van with it.

Ah!

I know I told you
to blindly agree

with all your girlfriend's
stupid stuff, but guess what?

They're desperate to
know how wrong they are!

- What?
- Nothing!

Just a little family towel talk.

Wait, wait. I'm wrong?

Well, that does it. I'm
bringing my towels back.

No! This is our one
towel now. It's all we need.

So you just repeat everything
I say just to patronize me?

It's better than saying the
one thing you love the most

is boring as balls!

"Boring as balls"?

You didn't even want my opinion.

You just want
everything on your terms!

But my terms make sense,

unlike the preposterous
size of that towel!

Trekkies have four
movies and two TV shows,

and all your people have is
just a mere trilogy to sell toys.

"You people"?

Oh, wow! You went
there pretty quick!

This was never about my
big, thirsty towel, was it?

It's about you
preferring me as a shell.

Fine. Take your giant towel!

You can go dry a
street or suck up a river!

I will never be
your Trekkie! Ever!

Well, then maybe you
shouldn't be my boyfriend!

This is your fault.

Hey, you ruined my thing, too.

This is what I get for modeling my
relationship after two crazy people!

I know he's upset, but we
need to get Adam back in here.

It's gonna take at least
three of us to fold this thing.

ADULT ADAM: As two
Goldberg relationships crumbled,

one was still
standing on two feet.

Hey, Bar? It's been an hour.

I don't think you have to
keep carrying her around

like she's Debra Winger.

I'll carry Lainey in my arms
until everyone in here knows

I am the officer and
she is my gentleman!

Aw.

ADULT ADAM: Barry and Lainey were flying
high, till reality crashed the party.

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

- Erica?
- Erica? (YELPS)

- Erica! So glad you're finally here!
- Hi, baby.

Now our couple's
costume makes sense.

See? I'm Marty McFly
and you're his mom.

Oh, boy, what have we done?

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

We were by the keg
chatting up two hot frat guys,

and then I turned around
and you were gone!

This is probably a bad time,

but you look super-hot, even
though you're technically my mom.

Gross. But thanks.

I'm sorry I ditched you, but I did
leave a note on the punch bowl.

Oh, you mean this sticky
red napkin that says, "Bye"?

I just came back here to
tell Barry it's totally over.

But, in a surprising twist,
we got back together!

- Aren't you happy for us?
- No!

Long-distance relationships
are the worst and never work.

Yes! Beating the odds!

See? You guys make it work.

Yeah, but we barely
see each other.

And our phone bills are out of
control. I had to start mowing lawns.

Manual labor?

Big Tasty's more of a corner-office,
feet-up-on-the-desk kinda guy.

Not to mention,

we're just three hours
away from each other.

Georgia's only...

Twelve hours away.

They're right, Barry.

ADULT ADAM: And so,
that dark Halloween night,

Barry and Lainey
finally saw the light.

It's over again.

Oh, Lainey.

ADULT ADAM: It may
have been Halloween,

but the scariest thing in our house
was what was going on between my folks.

Dad, thank God you're here.

There is a major crisis between me
and Murray, and we need your help.

Well, I'm 0 for one,
but let's give it a shot.

Great. Which towel
do you like best?

The entire life we've
built depends on it.

Damn it, why does everyone
around here fight over such nonsense?

Do I really need
to be here for this?

Yes, you need to see how
a healthy relationship works.

Pick my towel, Daddy.

Well, this one is the ugliest
shade of brown I've ever seen.

And this big one looks
like the sail of a clipper ship.

- Gah! Who asked you?
- You did.

Can I go back to
being sad and alone?

No.

Adam, I'm sorry we mixed in.

The truth is, I talk a big game
about compromise, but deep down...

I am a lady who
likes to call the shots.

And deep down,
I'm good with that.

Really? You mean that, Mur?

More than anything.

See? We do compromise,

- just in our own way.
- I get it.

Even if it is super unhealthy
and a terrible example.

But it works for us.

And you and Jackie will figure
out what works for you, too.

ADULT ADAM: But deep
in my heart, I already knew.

That night, my crazy
parents made me realize

there's no shortcuts when
it comes to relationships.

And when it came to
Jackie, I'd do the unthinkable.

I'd boldly go where no Star
Wars fan had gone before.

Oh, it's you. What do you want?

Look, you know
I get all flustered,

so I'm gonna let Star
Trek do all the talking.

(SPEAKING KLINGON)

I'm sorry for dishonoring you.

It's okay if you like

Star Trek

and I like

Star Wars.

All that matters is you and me,

Jackie.

You do know that that was
complete gibberish, right?

I tried learning Klingon.

- For me?
- Yeah.

All I'm trying to say is...

I love you.

I know.

Wait, are you quoting the carbonite
scene from Empire Strikes Back?

I am quoting the carbonite
scene from Empire Strikes Back.

Okay, that's the smile and echo.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
me and Jackie were back.

But for my brother,
love had no easy answer.

Hi, Mr. Ouija.

I know this is asking
a lot, but please,

we need to know.

Will we end up together?

ADULT ADAM: Sometimes
the hardest thing about love

is realizing no one
has all the answers.

I was really hoping
it would work.

Us, or the Ouija?

Both.

I'll always love
you, Barry Goldberg.

You know that, right?

ADULT ADAM: Truth is, there's no
trick to making a relationship perfect.

Looks like you got
through to them.

Well done.

Why do I feel so lousy?

'Cause you were right. Long
distance really does suck.

But it's worth it.

At least for us.

And how can you be so sure?

Does that answer your question?

For sure. It's totally worth it.

That towel takes
up half the closet.

You know what?

I think it's growing on me.

(CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: Sure, there will
always be bumps along the way,

but when you find
that perfect person,

there's nothing
better in the universe.

ADAM: Admit it. You
like Star Wars a little.

JACKIE: These buns
are kind of growing on me.

(INAUDIBLE)

Okay, we've been
through this a lot. I just...

I want you to relax,
just be in the moment,

and for the love of God,
act like you've been there.

Which I have.

So, it's so strange that I keep
acting like I have yet to be there.

Bad start. Here we go.

That's an A+.

4.0 GPA!

Hittin' the books,
makin' the grades.

That is some quality
craftsmanship. Hand-sewn.

(IN STRONG ACCENT)
Rich Corinthian leather!

Great stuff, fine
work. Not work, play.

All work and no play
makes Adam a dull boy.

(IN BRITISH
ACCENT) Hello, Nurse!

The doctor's in!

Your prescription's ready!

You know what?

- Let's just pick this back up tomorrow.
- That seems reasonable.