The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Globetrotters - full transcript

When Adam attends a Globetrotters game, he falls in love with the "theatrics" of the team and tries doing his own tricks on the court. But when he cuts together a video that makes Barry look like he lost a game to Adam and his friend

Back in the '80s, basketball
was all about showmanship.

Flying through the air,
slamming and jamming with style.

And nobody did it better
than the Harlem Globetrotters.

And there was no bigger
fan than my brother Barry.

He spent hours trying
to be the next Curly Neal,

perfecting his
buzzer-beating hook shot.

Three, two, one.

Still one!

One! One! One!

A dunk at the buzzer!

The Globetrotters are crowned
champions of the universe!

That year, my
dad got two tickets

to a 'Trotters game and
Barry was beside himself.

Even walking pneumonia
wouldn't stop him.

All set.

It's 80 degrees out, you moron.

I got the shivers and sweats.
Just means I'm super psyched.

Not so fast.

Murray, look at your son.

Can't you see he's
pale and clammy?

I don't like looking
at him too much.

Okay, come here,
I got to put my lips

on your forehead and
take your temperature.

- I'm fine! Keep your lips off me!
- Come here, come here.

Oh, my God.

You must be a 102.3.
You're with fever.

I'm not with fever.

There's no science to
putting lips on a forehead.

Why do you think they
call it a ther-mom-eter?

Mom is in the name.
'Cause we invented it.

Yeah, none of that's real.

Enough. Come on, let me carry
you upstairs and tuck you in bed.

You'll have to catch
me first. Oh! Body failing.

What am I gonna do
with these damn tickets?

How about taking
your healthy son?

Adam? To a sporting event?

Yes. Why is that so crazy?

Oh, good. An audience.

Does this sound
insanely realistic to you?

Son of a bitch,
this one's sick, too.

No, I'm Michael Winslow
from Police Academy.

You know, the man of
10,000 sound effects.

He's cornered the market on
mouth-based noise comedy.

- Until now.
- Until now.

Okay, you're coming with me.

We're gonna go
see some basketball.

- Am I in trouble?
- No, this is gonna be good for you.

Are you kidding me?

This nerd doesn't know
a lay-up from a bank shot.

Go on, ask him. Ask
him what a bank shot is.

Is it when you make tons of bank

for shooting the
orange ball real good?

If I could stand, I'd punch
this entire house down!

Come on, let's put
you snuggly in bed.

Schmoo, have fun with your dad.

- This is gonna suck.
- Yep.

This does not suck! Not at all!

This is so funny! Sports is
so funny! I finally get the craze!

- Ho, ho! He gets the craze. Yeah!
- Woo-hoo!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was December
7th, 1980-something,

a very special day in
the Goldberg house.


Perfect. Hold that face and
do it exactly like that tonight

at your surprise party,
only be wearing pants.

No, no, no. I told you.

No surprises, no
parties, no anything.

Murray, it's your 50th birthday.

Your nifty fifties. Yeah!

I don't see what's so nifty

about me throwing out my
back every time I blow my nose.

It's a major milestone.

That's why I'll be
sitting in that chair

watching TV in my underpants.

No. That's what you did
for birthdays 19 through 49.

This year you're
celebrating right,

so give Mama what she needs.

And, surprise.

That was terrible. And, again.

One, two, three, surprise.


- Surprise!
- I'm not surprised.

Come on, one more
time. And... Surprise.

I'm not digging this.
This is just not good.

That negative attitude
is what made Erica

decide not to go to college.

- What?
- That's the face.

Now go upstairs and
practice in the mirror, okay?

Go, go, go. Happy birthday.

As my mom was planning
a kick-ass surprise party,

I was planning a badass
Globetrotters routine.

All right, guys. The
camera's rolling.

Let's work on our tiny passes.

- Hut, hut, hut.
- Hut, hut, hut.

I'm not sure what I'm
watching, but this is wonderful.

Commence ladder trick.


Dude, you gotta catch the ball.

But the ladder says don't
stand on the very top step.

Bro, we're training to
be the next Globetrotters.

That means we follow
one rule, find the funny.


Not funny!

What are you dorks doing
on my court/our driveway?

Basketball is my sport,
along with all the other sports.

Get your own, but you
can't, 'cause they're all mine.

Not anymore.

You never told me
basketball had so much flair

and showmanship
and broad comedy.

Being a 'Trotter was
my dream, not yours.

To be fair, you have
like a million dreams.

There's bound to be some
crossover with your brother.

No way! Adam infects
everything he touches

with his geeky nerd poison.

I mean, look how wildly
uncomfortable he's holding that ball.

Tell you what. How about
we settle this once and for all?

Trotters versus Generals.

You want us to be the Generals?

The pathetic losers that the
Globetrotters always crush?

Okay, numbnuts, just to make
it fair, we'll play to 11 points.

I'll spot you the first 10.

- Let the basketball show commence.
- Oh, boy.

Okay, routine one. Let's
give them that razzle dazzle.

We'd razzle them but good.

Yep, with our best Globetrotter
moves, there was no way we'd lose,

especially with a 10-point lead.

Oh, jeez!


All net, no sweat.

Okay, a nine-point lead.

Um, could you back up a scooch?

We need way more
space for our antics.

Turns out, our antics

were no match for their
actual basketball skills.

Within two minutes, our 10-point
lead became a one-point lead.

Even the classic
Globetrotters pants yanking

was thwarted by
their stupid belts.

Damn it!

No worries, let's put this
to bed with routine six.

Which was the unbeatable
water bucket trick.

One drop touches
me and you're dead.

Yes, Mr. Naked, sir.

Now pour it on yourself. Do it.

- Dear Lord!
- My beautiful hair!

Have some pride, Dave Kim.

This is so demeaning.

It really was.

Turns out, we were the
Washington Generals.

And that is how you
dominate at sports.

You guys suck.
Ain't that right, JTP?


While Barry put the
brakes on my dreams,

my dad was getting ready
for his nightmare of a party.

But first, he'd take a classic
Murray Goldberg power nap.

Five minutes won't hurt.

And that five-minute catnap
lasted a whopping two hours.

- Erica, there's more coats.
- I'm moving as fast as I can.

As the guests piled in,

my dad was nestled
in a coat cocoon

and MIA from his own party.

After a frantic search,
my mom had to improvise.

Friends, family, co-workers,
those closest to Murray.

I'd like to thank you so
much for being here tonight,

especially Cousin
Irving who pushed back

his gall bladder surgery
to fly in from Boca.


And a big thank you to Aunt Rose

who made us her
famous ice cream cake.

The likeness is uncanny.

- Murray is so touched.
- Then where the hell is he?

Yes, it has been
a beautiful night.

Erica, they're turning on
us, go get their damn coats.

Oh, sweet God! Dad! Wake up!

What's that? What'd I miss?

What time is it?

Before you get mad,

you should lie down under
these coats. It's amazing.

Aunt Rose made your
face out of ice cream.

Ooh! I'll have a slice of me.

Well, you can't! Thanks to
your little disappearing act,

the whole thing melted!
It's ice cream soup.

I'm a milkshake.
Well, that's the dream.

Enjoy your coats.

While my dad was
cutting out on his party,

I was cutting together
some b-ball greatness.

And that, my friends, is what
we call the magic of editing.

You made it look like
we totally crushed them.

We... Suck! You...
Dominate... At sports.

We are losers.

Whoa, it's seamless.

Funny, what is that?

Dude, super-cool senior
Ruben Amaro Jr.'s talking to us.

I know, Dave Kim.

Hey, yo, JC.
Corbett. Get in here.

You guys gotta see this video.

Um, it's more intended
for a private audience.

What are you doing?
Win their friendship

through a mutual love of sports.

I... Smell... Like...
Ball... Sweat.

- That's hilarious.
- Self-burn.

Man, this is classic.
What's your name, bro?

Adam F. Goldberg.

Gotta use the middle initial

'cause there's another
Adam Goldberg in school,

and he's very mad about the
whole same-name situation.

Hey, can we get a copy?

- No.
- Take the original.

I guess you can borrow it.

I just want to make sure we keep
it between us athletic pals. Cool?

Super cool, bro.

Barry Goldberg's
Globetrotting Suck Show?

In my defense, I only
gave it to the jocks

so I would look awesome and
you would look dumb. You get it.

Well, the jocks
gave it to the burners

who gave it to the debate
team who gave it to the bell choir.

Those weirdos laughed
at me. The bell choir, dude.

They hold bells and go... Bong!

I'm lower than bell people now.

Honestly, the tape was
only meant to be shared

with my bros on
the basketball team.

Those bros are
my bros, not yours.

From this point forward, I forbade
you from liking anything I like.

- Yeah, you can't do that.
- Oh, I can!

Starting now, stay
away from the following

Barry Goldberg trademark
hobbies and interests.

Globetrotters, karate,
bo staff, Air Jordans,

competitive kiting,
extreme BMXing,

hot showers, conga lines,

and diving into an icy river
with a knife in your mouth.

I own that move. I also
claim Skittles and soda.

You can't claim an
entire genre of beverage.

- That's madness.
- And it's mine.

I also own roller
skating, eating chili,

half and full nelsons,

Chuck Norris, and boobs.

No! That's too far!

You can't claim boobs!

Everyone likes boobs.

Have fun sticking to your dumb
hobbies like robots and glasses.

Glasses aren't a hobby.

They're a corrective accessory
to combat my wandering eyeball.

Exactly. You stay in
your lame nerdy world,

and I'll stay in my awesome one.

'Sup, scrub?

Know your place, bell people!

No, your human oils.

It had been a day
since Barry said

I couldn't share his interests,
and he was enforcing it.

Hey, I'm watching that.

The A-Team is mine,
get your own show!

Fruit-based accomplishments
belong to Big Tasty.

Get your own weird talents.

Struggling to poke the straw
into a juice pouch is my thing.

Come on, man, this is crazy.

You can't just lay claim to
anything past, present, or future.

Oh, yes, I can.

And I'm gonna keep on doing
it till you're left with nothing.


Barry had just
declared war on me.


Meanwhile, my dad was
entering a battlefield of his own.

Welcome home, darling.

Can I interest you in a cold
beverage or a delicious beefy snack?

- What is this?
- Have a seat, Mur.

Forget parties.

I know this is what you
really wanted for your birthday.

Clearly a trap, but sure.

- Comfy?
- Quite.

- Fantastic.
- Thank you.

- It's a trap.
- I know.


See, I've been scrapbooking
our family for over 20 years.

And not only do you refuse
to be in any of the photos,

the few times you
are, you look like this.

What? That's how I
look. That's my face.

You don't value any memories.

So you are gonna sit here
and look at all these books

until you prove to me
that you care about

our meaningful moments.

Bevy, this is how I was raised.

We don't make a fuss. Doesn't
mean I don't pay attention.

- It's all up here in my brain.
- Oh, please.

This noggin is the
world's greatest scrapbook.

Which baby is this?

- Uh, the moron.
- Which moron?

Eri... Barry... Adam.

That's it. I guess you're
gonna be looking at these books

until your 60th birthday.

Son of a bitch. How
many of these are there?

Well, this is just the first
nine months of my life.

While my mother
turned up the heat,

I was about to turn
the tables on Barry.

What am I looking at?

I'm just chilling
in my Flyers shirt,

eating Boo Berry, watching
Jean-Claude Van Damme,

you know, classic me stuff.

That is not classic
you, it's classic me.

Too bad you didn't call it.

I mean, you gave
me a specific list,

and none of this
stuff was on it.

Everyone knows I
own spooky cereal,

Flyers gear, and JC Van D.

It goes without saying!
Turn off that movie right now.

Ooh, I would if it was
a Chuck Norris flick,

but JC Van D wasn't on
your list, so now he's on mine.

You take off my shirt

and step away from
the Boo Berry, I mean it.

Should I step away
from the cereal like this?

Don't you dare moonwalk
away from that cereal.

I own that move that
Michael Jackson made up!

But you didn't
call it, and I did.

Those are fighting
words, and you know it.

Go ahead. I already have

my favorite martial arts
weaponry to protect me.

No, I called 'chuckin! I
remember listing it off.

Yeah, you picked bo staff,

which is basically
just a long stick!

What do you want?

I want the trotters of Harlem
who travel around the globe.

You give them to me,
and you can be you again.

- Never.
- Fine, take your stick.

I've got a rap
album to cut. Peace.

How could I forget rap?

I called competitive
kiting, but not rap?

Yep, I was great at being Barry.

Only problem, he was
just as great at being me.

- Greetings, earthling.
- What are you doing in my room?

Just diving into the
world of nerd stuff

I love that you never called.

You know, playing with He-Guy,
stretching Neil Armstrong,

playing with this
weirdly hot cat lady.

- That's Cheetara.
- Cheetabra.

- Her precognition...
- Prenition.

- And immense speed...
- Fence speed.

Make her an asset
to the Thundercats.

- The Tundra Dads.
- Okay, I get it.

You're trying to
take my things now.

Is that what's going on?

I was wondering why
Barry was insisting

I hang out with him and
give him sage advice.

Not now, old best friend.

I'm busy filming a
movie, which is mine now.

I call all of movie-making.

Big action scene
happens! Boom, Hollywood!

It's tedious, but fun.

You're moving her too
fast. It's gonna look weird.

Do you mind? This is my movie.

Wow, this is a commitment.

Move faster. I'm
wasting my life here.

I could be outside
riding my bike around.

How do you do this all day long?

Don't you get it?
This isn't a threat.

I hate your hobbies!

Globetrotters are mine!

Okay, this meshugaas
has gone on long enough.

There's must be some
way to work this out.

Fine, nerd. I'll play for it.

Winner takes all, both
globe and Trotters.

Fine. But we
play by their rules.

It's not about who
scores the most points,

but who scores the most laughs.

You want funny? No
crowd can resist my antics.

Look what I'm doing.

Look at the way my
body's moving right now.

Oh, no! I'm sneezing hilarity.

'Cause laughter's
the best medicine.

- Antics!
- You want comedy?

These aren't real, dude.

That's just my hand cupped
into my sweaty armpit.

I'm the greatest
basketball player alive.

And I'm the most pregnant!
Look at me, sports fans.

I'm with child, and
you love me for it.

And I'm a doctor
delivering your ball baby.

No, no.

This is a sad day for Harlem.

Sorry, no TV until you go
through every scrapbook.

You know, I've given
this a lot of thought.

And I realize I do
mark the moments.

As a matter of fact,

I kind of have my own
scrapbook collection.

You? Scrapbooks?

Take my hand, I want
to show you something.

This. This right here, this
is how I mark the moment.

These are our tax returns.

To you. To me, they're
reminders of us, of our family.

Every receipt has a memory.

This right here, this is
where Erica got her braces.

And look at this!

This is where we bought
Adam his first video camera.

Wow, these receipts really
mean a lot to you, huh?

They mean everything.

And I keep them all
here, in my heart file.

Oh, Murray.

That's the thing about
marking the moment,

everyone does it
in their own way.

What a crock of...

I mean, tax returns? In
your heart file? Really?

Look. I had it rough as a child,

and I just realized
that my dad...


You're not buying it, not even
the stuff about the mean dad?

- No.
- So Mom didn't buy your tax thing?

- She did not.
- And you added the stuff

about your crappy childhood?

- I did.
- You know,

you've always acted
like you don't care.

I guess, in my heart,

I hoped it was all a front,

but if none of this really
means anything to you,

then I'll stop trying.

It was time for me and Barry

to face off in the biggest
athletic matchup of our lives!

Okay, you know the rules.
First one to make Ruben

and his crew crack
up wins the game.

Is this gonna take long?
'Cause we got practice.

Trust me, time flies when
you're laughing your ass off.

This was it. Globetrotter
versus Globetrotter

for the ultimate
Globetrotter title.

Hut, hut, hut!

Hut, hut, hut, hut!

They're all passing in a
circle. It makes no sense.

It really didn't.
And worst of all,

our antics amused no
one and confused everyone.

They're all in the same uniform.
I can't tell who's on what team.

Loose ball, somebody
grab it already.

We were forced to bring
out the big guns. The worm.

Look at this court.

After that, our game
descended into desperation

- and shoddy ventriloquism.
- It's my family reunion.

Lucky for Barry, he had
one last trick up his sleeve...

The classic Globetrotter
surprise pantsing.

No! Dude, you can't pants
yourself. That ruins the whole thing.

- Pull them up so I can do it!
- Never!

You can't un-pants someone.
That's just helping them get dressed.

- Pull them up! Pull them up!
- No! No!

Stop! Stop the game.

You guys took something beautiful
and silly and made it ugly and silly.

- But who won?
- It's zero to zero.

- Nobody scored a point.
- But who was funnier?

It kind of seems like
you need a win so... You.


Ha! It's official! The
Globetrotters are my thing.

Add it to the list.

Meadowlark, Curly,

the other randoms, mine.

Fine. Take them.
Take everything.

You win, so I'll
stay out of your life.

Sure, Barry had won the game,

but, at that moment,
he realized he'd lost me.

As for my dad, he finally
understood what my mom meant

about capturing
meaningful moments.

And for the first time, he
wanted to be the one to do it.


Oh, my God, look at her face.

That's the real deal.

Are you throwing a surprise
party for you... For me?

You know I hate all
the fuss, but you're right.

I should be in the moment more.

And that's what I'm doing.

Marking the moment. With you.

Oh, sweetie.

This is the best surprise party
for you I've ever not thrown.

- Speech!
- All right. Well...

Everyone knows I'm not
much for words or parties.

But I have to say,

looking out and
seeing all of you...

That's gonna stay
with me for a long time.

For your scrapbook.

With that, my dad finally
marked the moment.

As for me, I'd finally
given sports back to Barry,

or so I thought.

Hey, so, I know you're making
one of your movies and all

but I thought maybe we
could shoot some hoops.

- No, sports are your thing.
- Yeah.

I guess that's why
I went so crazy.

It's just...

I'm supposed to be the
athlete of the family, you know?

If you start liking the
Globetrotters, then who am I?

But after our little
showdown in the gym,

I'm thinking this is the
one thing we can share.

Come on, I'll be the Generals.

Okay, just like we practiced.

- And...
- Look, I'm doing it.

So maybe I'd never
be great at sports

and didn't have a ton in
common with my brother,

but that night, we
were on the same team.

That's the thing about family.

For all the fighting
and surprises,

it's the little moments
that make us remember

how lucky we really are.

Happy birthday, dear
Murray Happy birthday to you!

- So did you have fun, Dad?
- I had a good time.

- Good 50th birthday?
- Wonderful.