The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Greatest Musical Ever Written - full transcript

In high school in the '80s,
you had to get creative

when it came to finding
your place at school,

and I knew exactly
where I wanted to belong.

Oh!

You are the greatest Tin
Boy the world has ever seen!

Oh, I'm sorry. Tin Man.

My delicious little Tin Man!

You don't think auditioning
in full costume is too much?

You're too much!

Unfortunately, not everyone
shared my mom's enthusiasm.

Hey, bro!



Yeah?

Ow! Why?

I have a well-established
rep at school

as basically the coolest
human of all time.

And you'll embarrass me and
yourself if you do the musical.

Sure, I'm no Ben Vereen,

but I'm really growing
as a performer.

I don't care if you act better
than Jean-Claude Van Damme!

You're in high school now.

The last thing you want is to be
branded a lame-ass theater geek.

You're saying my
popularity hinges solely

on me not doing the musical?

This is high school, bro.

Theater is the lowest of the low,
and nothing's gonna change that.



Well, nothing except the biggest

musical sensation of the '80s.

One word... Phantom.

- No way!
- Sweet!

Before Hamilton, Phantom
was king of all musicals.

Even non-theater geeks loved it.

That show made me cry,
and I don't care who knows it.

After an exhilarating
weekend in New York City,

I stayed in a hostel.

I have decided to
change the musical

from that that sappy schlock
fest that is The Wizard of Oz,

and tackle the greatest musical
sensation of our generation.

But don't we, like,
need permission

from Andrew Lloyd
Webber to do his show?

We do, and he's
granted it to us.

- What?
- In spirit.

Do you want to be a giant
wussbag for the rest of your life,

or be a star?

Well, you are the adult, so...

We're doing the greatest
musical ever written!

Wait. Won't your brother kick
your ass if you do the play?

I'll just play it cool around
Barry. He won't even notice.

Well, I'm off to school.
Have a nice day.

Thanks.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was November
30, 1980-something,

and Erica was planning her
winter-semester schedule.

Okay, Pops. I just finished
the ultimate slacker schedule.

Now that my college
applications are in,

I can finally, completely
give in to my senioritis.

A lot of my friends have that.

It's not as joyful with them.

First period, I kick
things off with study hall,

ease into my day.

And then it's on
to second period,

another study hall for naps,

and then typing class and
then an easy "A" in Home EC,

and then ceramics,
and then intro to summer.

That's a class?

It's an independent
study I created.

You know, there's a science
to getting a good base tan.

Well, you outdid yourself.

This schedule really
does spit in the face

of education as we know it.

Got to admit, all this
prepping and planning,

very mature of you.

You approve of all this?

She's gonna be
going to college soon.

My job here is done.

Your job? As a parent?

Yep. Gonna be
phoning it in from now on.

And this has been
you not phoning it in?

I've been working my ass off.

Hey, Boopie. What's
with the board?

It's a year of maxing and relaxing
with nonstop blow-off classes.

Well, at least you're
taking one real class.

- Which is...
- Home EC.

Running a house is the
hardest job in the world.

You know, some people
put a man on the moon,

and others put
parm on a chicken.

You sound insane right now.

Home economics is the
cornerstone of civilization.

Or it's a class football players
take to make drop cookies.

That's what they're
teaching you?

How to drop a hunk
of batter on a sheet?

When did you get
so anti-drop cookie?

They're not gonna teach
you how to darn a sock,

pepper a ham or bleach an undie?

I'm in the mood
for drop cookies.

It's important for you
to have the knowledge

that your grandmother had

and her grandmother
had before her.

Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid
who has that knowledge.

Until then, I have some
maxing and relaxing to do.

Will you make me
some drop cookies?

Unfortunately for Erica,
the maxing was short-lived.

Sweet mother of mercy.

- Welcome to home economics.
- What are you...

I'll be your sub for
the day and week.

- How are...
- Possibly month. Only time will tell.

What did you do to Ms. Horokawa?

You mean Mrs. Silverstein?

I introduced her to the man
of her dreams. They eloped.

Now they're in Belize
on the trip of a lifetime.

You monster.

Buckle up, angel.

You're about to embark on a
journey through the domestic arts.

- Mrs. Goldberg?
- Chef Goldberg.

All due respect, Chef,
but the team and I

kind of took this
class for an easy "A."

Well, the only easy
thing about this class

is the eggs over.

All right, the fact that none of
you are cracking up right now

just shows your ignorance.

First assignment, lasagna.

This will be the greatest
challenge of your young lives.

But my mom makes
lasagna all the time.

Is it really that hard?

I don't know, Ruben Amaro Jr.

Does four layers of
hand-rolled noodles,

freshly stewed tomatoes and six
imported cheeses sound hard to you?

But I only know two different
types of cheese, string and whiz.

Goat, Gruyere, gouda.

Those are just the G's.
You want me to go on?

Mom, you can't do this.

I just did. You're
in my house now.

In addition to our regular
house, which is also my house.

As Erica's plans for
senior year were crumbling,

my year was
shaping up to be epic.

Dude. Miss Cinoman
just posted the cast list.

I'm The Phantom! The
lead. Was there any doubt?

No one likes a diva, Dave Kim.

Oh, did you see what I got?

A lifetime of pain.

Give it up now or
be a loser forever.

Oh, my God! I got Christine!

Whoa, whoa. Hold up!

Since when do you
do the school musical?

Since it became
Phantom of the Opera.

But I thought we shared the
same beliefs and core values,

mainly that theater
was super lame.

It is, except Phantom
being the one exception

because it's romantic
and full of candelabras.

And guess what? You're Raoul.

Wait, are you sure it's not the other
Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.

There's an "F." It's Adam F!

My first big part! Suck
it, other Adam Goldberg!

Don't tell him I said
that. I fear him. But yes!

Yeah, we're like the
power couple of the show.

- What?
- It's acting. Don't make this weird.

Yay, Phantom!

She was supposed to come over
and watch me provoke those hornets!

- Can you believe this?
- Kind of.

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus.

What are you talking about?

Haven't you heard the original
West End cast recording?

- Dude.
- Dude.

The Phantom loved Christine
so much, he let her go.

You know, if I were you, I'd
be worried about a showmance.

- Oh, for sure.
- No doubt.

What's a showmance?

It's when people
play lovers onstage,

and it leads to
chemistry offstage, too.

How do you guys know
so much about theater?

We saw the musical Hair.

We went for the nudity, but
stayed for the rich musical tapestry.

You guys are nuts! My super foxy
girlfriend and theater dork brother?

Yeah, not sweating it.

Strange 'cause your
t-shirt is quite wet.

Yeah, you're
literally sweating it.

You are!

Anyhow, I'm gonna
go change my shirt

and pop by rehearsal
for the fun of it.

- He's so sweaty.
- Yeah, it's like a gland issue.

Must be.

And so Barry discovered
the world of theater.

- What the...
- And it was kind of bad ass...

- Tools?
- And very appealing.

Chicks?

And had frickin' capes!

Capes?

It was a beautiful mystery.

What is this place?

A world of massage circles
that bonded kids for a lifetime.

Adam?

A word.

Sure thing, Bar.

I hate to do this, but
my girl was touching you,

so I'm gonna have to karate
kick your face. You get it.

Hey, this guy
bothering you, Raoul?

It's cool. He's not show folk.

He doesn't understand our ways.

You see, the massage circle
is a staple of high school drama.

Whatever, man. Go back
to your stupid tap dancing

and lame-ass jazz
hands. So embarrassing.

At least that's
what Barry thought.

And then rehearsal began,
and he was swept away

by the music of
Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Sing once again with me

Plus, Dave Kim got
to wear a frickin' cape!

Our strange duet

What's happening?

All my senses are engaged.

That day, my brother's
mind exploded.

And my mom was about
to do some real damage

in Erica's cooking class.

To glance behind

The Phantom of
the Opera is there

Inside your mind

Cook. Cook, my angel!

Sing, my angel of music!

He's there

The Phantom of the Opera

Well, well.

Let's see if you've learned
anything from me, my angel.

Stop calling me your
angel. It's creepy.

Let's see how you did.

Ugh! I'm sorry. Fail.

Ha! You just gave
an "F" to your lasagna!

I stole that from
the freezer last night.

What? Why?

To prove this was rigged!

Sing for me!

Sing, my angel of music!

You cheated. That means
you really do get an "F."

Are you serious?

This whole thing is unfair,
and everyone here agrees.

Is that true?

Pretty messed up, Chef G.

Is that right, Ruben Amaro Jr?

You get an "F"!

Everyone gets an "F"!

And scene!

With that, Barry paid our drama
teacher Miss Cinoman a little visit.

After much personal reflection,
I've decided that I need to put aside

my hate of everything you
love and accept my destiny.

I'm here to be a star.

- I don't follow.
- Neither do I. I lead.

And Big Tasty's gonna
make this dull-ass musical

more popular than
a football game.

That's the reach of my appeal.

Okay, well, auditions
have already happened.

Do you want butts
in seats or not?

Of course I want butts in
seats! That's all I care about!

Then make me the lead of
the show. Stedman, I guess.

Wait. What?

The Phantom of the Oprah.

I assume it's her long-time
companion, Stedman.

The man behind the woman.

Okay, putting aside that you
don't know the title or the show

and that we're already
rehearsing, can you even sing?

Of course. I sing rap style.

Well, there's no
rapping in this play.

Her name's Oprah Winfrey

Her partner is Stedman

Back off, Donahue Or
else you're a dead man

She's a cultural icon
collected and calm

She's Oprah Winfrey
America's mom

Yay.

Well, thank you.

And then I break
dance and kiss Lainey

and win whatever's
the theater equivalent

of the Stanley Cup.

I'll thank Oprah in my speech.

Okay, the show's
not about Oprah.

But hear me out. Could it be?

You know what? You're right?

I want you to be
the star of the show.

I knew it! So what's
my awesome part?

You will be one
of 20 stagehands.

What? You said I was the star.

The real stars of this show
are the sets and the props...

The fog machine,
the little boat,

the chandelier that
crashes onto the stage.

And you're in charge
of it all with 19 others.

Come. Your dressing room awaits!

Ta-da!

This isn't a dressing room.

This is a place for me
to lurk under the stage

like some kind of creepy phantom

tending to whatever
this play is about!

Wow. Creepy?

That's an extremely
unfair characterization

of our amazingly
talented stagehands.

- Hello.
- Ah!

Kill it with fire!

Hi, Dan.

Show Barry the ropes.

All right, friend.

Let's get you into some clothes
that make you more invisible.

It was Phantom rehearsals, and
I was ready to take center stage,

while Barry was left
waiting in the wings.

- Zip!
- Zap!

- Zop!
- Zip!

What is Lainey doing?

How is saying nonsense
words with a bunch of nerds

more fun than quietly
watching me play video games?

Bar, can you help
me hoist this bad boy?

I have a hernia, and
this is painfully heavy.

You got this, pal.

I'm gonna go grab a sweet
shoulder rub from my girl

once the massage circle starts.

Oh, uh, no, no, no.

You can't join
the massage circle

'cause you're not one of them.

What are you talking about?
Stagehands are part of the show.

Barry, that's
something that we say

but not really
something that's true.

Like, there is a strict
social hierarchy in theater,

and actors are at the top.

They're like jocks.

Stage techies like us are
way down at the bottom

like mathletes and Latin club.

Damn it! I hate this
backwards world!

Hey, crew?

I'm sort of in
character right now,

and your side chatter's
really pulling me out.

You might think
you're super cool here,

but when we get
home, anything goes.

Sorry, we're doing that
musical in the spring.

Stop making stupid inside-theater
jokes I don't understand!

Okay. I see what this is.

You're just jealous Lainey
and I play tender lovers.

Don't put it that way.

But he's right, you
are acting crazy.

Are you jealous?

Jealous? Of what?

Of my little brother
and girlfriend kissing

or watching people close to
me develop a shared interest

and thrive in a world
I can't be a part of?

All of those things, yes.

None of that applies!

While my rivalry with my
brother was heating up,

my mom and sister
had gone to Principal Ball

to settle their beef.

Whoa. Wow.

Okay, while I agree
that these lasagnas

both look and smell
like a diaper fire,

you can't give the
entire class an "F".

- Can't I?
- You can't!

The very fabric of this school

is based on the fact that
Home EC is an easy "A"!

Okay, what are you
even doing here?

My entire offensive
line took your class!

If you fail them, we
have no football team!

Well, that's on them
because they can't cook for

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Dear God, Mom!

Whoa!

Look, boys take Home EC

to boost their
depressingly low GPA's.

So it's not important

to learn the science
behind the three C's...

Cooking, cleaning and cheesing?

Sure, in a pinch,

a guy's got to know
how to make a manwich

or scrub a bowl if a
lady caller's stopping by,

but your class is too hard!

Well, if you ask me,

the only blow-off class
around here is gym.

I could replace you

with a pair of shorts, a Jane
Fonda video and a whistle.

You think you can just
buy these shorts? Huh?

You can.

But you have to buy them
at a special store for coaches!

Okay, stop! Stop!
Everyone, calm down.

Beverly, here's the thing.

Home EC is and always
will be a blow-off class.

- Ha! Face!
- What?

That'll teach you
to try to teach me.

I see.

Then I guess I have nothing
in the world to offer anyone.

Yes. Good. We're in agreement.

Everyone gets an "A".

Now if you don't
mind, I'm late for class.

Okay, let's rehearse

the big Raoul-Christine
kiss, okay?

Let's just get the staging down.

Raoul dramatically runs to
center stage to kiss Christine.

- What the...
- Not cool!

Sorry, technical difficulties!

All right, let's just forget
the stupid chandelier, okay?

Let's see the kiss.

Unfortunately, a true
phantom was lurking

in the wings of Miss Cinoman's
extravagant production,

and his name was Big Tasty.

It won't stop following me.

What the heck!

No! Stop! Get away!

Stop!

I sold my Ford Festiva
to buy this thing.

Now, make it work!

Sorry! Shoddy props!

We'll definitely have
to lose this scene.

Not until I get my kiss.

All right, you two just
get off the stage, all right?

I'll get this.

Wait! Hey!

Aah! Oh, the
chandelier's broken!

And also my arm.

Dan did it! It was Dan!

Why, Dan? Why? Boo!

Everyone join me in blaming Dan.

And he's gonna lie
and say it was me,

but we all know the
truth that it was Dan!

Boo!

Boo!

The next day, we learned
the cold, hard reality

of producing hit theater.

People! People.

Due to Miss Cinoman's
shattered arm,

the producers at
Phantom have learned

of our very
unauthorized production.

Apparently, you can't do

a brand-new hit Broadway
show at a high school

without getting permission.

- Balls!
- Inappropriate, but precise.

I can't believe it.

I was so close
to being Christine.

Yeah, so close.

But hey, that's showbiz for ya.

Now we can get back
to just us kissing, baby.

Wait a sec.

You sabotaged our show.

I had no choice!

You were gonna put
your nerd lips on my girl!

Lainey's everything to me.

- Come on, Lainey.
- Eh...

Wait. Don't tell me
you're okay with this.

Well, before, I was
Christine in a play.

Now I'm Christine in real life.

You know it, girl.

My boyfriend loves me so
much, it made him go insane.

I hurt a teacher for you.

Don't find his
horrible actions sweet!

Yeah, you did, you
naughty, little Phantom.

Okay, I've had it!

Listen up, all you actors,
costume designers,

dead-eyed chorus
members with no lines.

There's an old
adage on Broadway...

The show must go
on. And damn it, it will.

So we can't use their
songs or characters

or "entire story."

This is theater.

When we lose our
script, we improvise!

Backed by a fierce
army of theater geeks,

I wrote an all-new,
completely different musical.

Take that, Broadway attorneys.

I am the Phantasm
of the gymnatorium

So listen close
This is my story-um

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, no. No!

Just because you say it is
not Phantom of the Opera

does not make your play legal.

But they're nothing alike.

In theirs, the Phantom
takes Christine

on a boat ride in
his underground lair.

In ours, the Phantasm
takes Chrissy

on a jet ski in his
above-ground pool.

They're the same thing, dude.

That's because you played the
characters the same, Dave Kim!

You have no range!

- Yeah, I'm out.
- Me, too.

- Yeah, it kind of sucks, man.
- All righty, then.

Let's shut her down
and burn the sets.

Well, well, well.

Looks like opening night
was also closing night.

That's right, theater jokes.

Yep, you win.

I finally had one place in
high school where I fit in,

and you took it away.

Bravo.

While our play had
been shut down,

Erica was back to
her year of senioritis.

Hey, you mind?

Your mom just said,
"Life is meaningless"

and she locked
herself in the bathroom.

I'm not gonna
feel bad about this.

She tried to fail me and the
whole football team to prove a point.

For a smart girl, sometimes
you're a real moron.

What's this?

Budgets and meal plans.

Your whole life, she's been
scrimping and couponing

just to save enough
money for you to go

to any college that you choose.

I didn't know that.

Well, now you do.

Don't make me start
parenting you again.

This was supposed
to be my blow-off year.

Turns out Erica did learn an
important lesson that semester.

When it came to her kids,
my mom never took a day off.

Think of me fondly

What the...

When we say goodbye

What's all this?

Sometimes I think
because I'm a senior,

I've learned everything
I need to know.

But every now
and then, I realize

that I don't know
anything at all.

What are you talking about?

I was wrong to look
down on what you do.

And I guess...

To take your heart
back And be free

I didn't realize that all
your hard work is for us.

Baby, it's okay.

It's just what a mama does.

Well, saying thanks is
what a daughter needs to do.

So from the bottom
of my heart, thanks.

My God, why?

Yeah, it's the best I've got.

Maybe you can actually teach me.

I would love that, schmoopie.

But can we...

Throw this thing in
the trash? For sure.

With that, Erica blew
off her blow-off year

to start learning from my mom.

But she wasn't the only one
who learned something that day.

Hey.

I'm Donkey-Konging. Go away.

I get it. You're mad 'cause I
basically ruined everything.

I'm mad 'cause my
brother is a jealous lunatic.

Thing is, I'm not just
jealous about Lainey.

It's like you're part
of this cool world,

and I'm not good at it.

Wait. You're jealous of me?

I guess it was
kind of weird to see

my little nerd brother succeed
in a place where I can't.

I could teach you zip, zap, zop
and maybe get you into the chorus.

No. That's your world.

I don't get it and
I don't want to.

But I got to say, I
think it's kind of cool.

So maybe I didn't get my
starring role in a musical,

but that night, we all
came together for a meal

free of drama and full of love.

Mmm. So cheesy.

Bevy, you've outdone yourself.

I had a little help.

Flowers fade The
fruits of summer fade

Boopie, how's the play going?

You didn't hear? They
canceled Phantom.

The school was doing
Phantom of the Opera?

Stupid blow-off year
made me miss out!

That's the thing about family.

Even though you think you
have nothing in common,

they're the people
who teach you the most.

Well, maybe they can do Les Mis.

I hear that's an amazing show.

Come on, Dan!
Really dig in there!

I'm mostly muscle! How
are you not getting this?

I am loving mine.

Naked Rob is really
working out those knots.

Shh.

Just let your day
fall away, bro.

Ooh. A massage circle.
Can I get in on this?

No one touches my girlfriend!

Everyone form a
line, not a circle.

Lainey's first.

I got to be the
masseuse caboose?

Screw this.

I'm telling Miss
Cinoman on you guys.