The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Ho-ly K.I.T.T. - full transcript

Adam gets between Murray and Marvin when they go without him to the Philadelphia Thanksgiving Day parade to see K.I.T.T. from "Knight Rider" in person.

Back in the '80s, all the best
TV shows featured a cool vehicle.

Airwolf was a badass chopper.

Street Hawk tore
it up on a cycle.

But my favorite was
K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider...

A turbo-boosted
talking supercar!

I was so obsessed,

I even made my own
version of K.I.T.T.,

and I named it G.I.T.T.!

Oh, no, G.I.T.T.!

The evil corporate
types are chasing us

in that armored truck!

What the hell did you
do to my station wagon?

Isn't it great? I
turned it into G.I.T.T.,

which stands for Goldberg
Industries Turbo Transport.

Well, you're a moron, which
stands for moron, moron.

That doesn't work as an acronym.

Even though Hollywood
seemed millions of miles away

from Jenkintown,
as fate would have it,

TV's coolest car was
about to roll into my life!

Holy K.I.T.T.

Mom, I am coming to
you with an urgent request,

'cause you understand
the hopes and dreams

of a sensitive, artistic boy.

What is it, Love Bug? Tell Mama.

I want to go see K.I.T.T. in the
Gimbels Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I'm not driving you
anywhere on Thanksgiving.

Please, Mama.

Make the awful man take
me to see the thing I love.

Sweetie, I would never deprive
my delicious little schmoopster

of anything his heart desires.

Yes! In your face, guy
who's gonna drive me to fun!

However, it is Thanksgiving...

It's the one day a year
when we gather together

as a family and
appreciate the feast

that I've been
working on for months.

In your face.

Fine, forget your car!

I've got my own set of wheels,
and I will make it downtown!

This was so much
cooler when I was seven.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was Thanksgiving,

and the Goldbergs' turkey day
traditions were in full swing...

Which meant a visit
from my Uncle Marvin.

Freeze, turkeys!

That's right.

Thanksgiving just
got a little bit safer

now that Officer
Goldberg is on the case.

Oh, my God! I know a cop now.

Okay, don't get sucked
in. He's not a real cop.

He's just an idiot
that works in a mall.

Actually, Mur-man, for the
record, I'm more than a cop.

I'm above the law. The
laws don't apply to me.

I'm like The
Equalizer. Or Batman.

Both of which aren't
real, just like your badge.

Does this look not real to you?

We got a 10-50 at the Goldberg
residence, please respond.

- Cool! What's a 10-50?
- A homicide.

Murder? Isn't HQ gonna respond?

No, they can tell by the tone of
my voice I'm just having a little fun.

Awesome! Do you have a gun?

Nope, I'm not allowed.

But there's no
rules against this.

This is my little potato gun.

I had it made special.

It may not look like much, but at
close range, it'll take out a rhino.

Get that thing out of here before
you hurt someone, you moron!

That's it!

As an officer of the Gallery Mall, I
will not be disrespected this way.

I'm storming out!

No. No. No.

There will be no storming
this year, do you hear me?

We are going to eat together as a
family with no drama, understand?

Okay. Here's the story.

Barry came at me.
He was out of control.

You're gonna have
to stab me in the arm...

- That was awesome!
- Oh, my God, you're alive!

Come here.

Amazingly, the potato gun

wasn't the craziest thing
to happen that holiday.

It was a revelation that
would change my mom forever.

Mom, I have a huge announcement.

I just read Diet
for a Small Planet,

and I am officially
a vegetarian.

No, you're not. Get out of here.

Not that stupid thing... This.

Okay, I'm heading
out. See you at 9:00

- when Thanksgiving is over.
- What?

Lainey's dad invited
me to their big dinner,

and I'm going, even though I
know what you're gonna say...

"My name is Mom,

"and this is the most important
day of the year for me."

Ha! That's totally her!

Actually, I wasn't
gonna say that at all.

You can go to Lainey's for
Thanksgiving if that's what you want.

- Really?
- You go have fun.

I'll just be here
doing my Mom thang.

Hey, there, guess what.

You're invited to
our Thanksgiving.

The invitation is
just a formality.

You're coming...
No, it's not an option.

Well, thanks, but we kind
of have our own thing...

Okay, it's settled, yay!

I'll see you in a few.
Don't bring any food.

I'm closing the door, shutting
off all communication, okay?

- Yay again!
- No, I didn't...

While my mom was forcing Bill
and Lainey to our Thanksgiving,

my dad was forced to spend
quality time with his brother.

When we get close enough, I
want you to triangulate the source.

We should be close enough now.

Wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa. What is this?

It's a show about a
talking car that Adam loves.

Pretty silly, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I got to admit,
I'm digging this guy's style.

All right, give me a
visual on the license plate.

Good idea.

Whoo-hoo! You're so
right! The man oozes cool.

And then, for the
first time in ages,

my dad and Uncle Marvin
actually had something in common.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

Unexpectedly, Thanksgiving
became a thing of joy for them.


We'll just watch one more.

Or two. Or three.
Just to pass the time.

Since I was a geek who
had taped every episode,

my dad and uncle
were able to sit down

for the world's first
binge-watching session.

We should do this more often.

You know, bros watching shows.

This is us at our best.

Like when we'd watch
Lone Ranger as kids?

You'd always be my Tonto.

Shh! I got to hear this.

K.I.T.T.'s lost his nerve.

Who would've thought
that a car could doubt itself?

It's not nearly as crazy
as when Michael fought

his evil goateed twin, Garthe.

Or when K.I.T.T. battled
his evil twin K.A.R.R.

with a yellow light
instead of the red one!

How do they come
up with this stuff?

Man, that is one cool ride.

I betcha it looks
even better in person.

Wait, wait. Was
that the... Hold on!

This is the car that's gonna be
in the Thanksgiving Day parade!

I remember hearing that before.

Mur-man, they park all of the
floats in the mall parking lot.

Must be déjà vu.

Come on, you think that The Hoff

would bail on an
opportunity like this?

Never! Let's ride.

I keep feeling like I'm
forgetting something.

What could it be?

Ah, camera.

I can't believe you!

What kind of monster
won't let her own son

abandon his entire
family on Thanksgiving?

You left me no choice.

You know I would literally die

if I didn't have all my
children here for Thanksgiving.

Is that what you want?

To bury your mother
on Thanksgiving?


Lainey's dad inviting
me to his house

is the first clear sign that he's
given up on hating my guts!

Boopie, now you have
the best of both worlds.

You can have dinner
with Lainey's family

and with your actual family,

who means so much more
than those other people.

Hello. Welcome to
a Goldberg Thanks...

Gangway, gangway! Have no fear,
the Thanksgiving cavalry is here!

Um, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Bill, I told you, you didn't
have to bring anything.

Oh, please. As a guest, it's
my job to bring you a few snacks.

Main course. Also six pies.

That is so sweet.
Really, but no.

We're covered on food,

and I'm about to put
my turkey in the oven.

"Oven"? Well, I guess that's
one less delicious way to do it.

Dad, you promised
to keep it breezy.

That's me. Easy-breezy Bill,

and he says it can't be Thanksgiving
without his famous fried turkey.


Never had a Thanksgiving
without my fryer.

So, you know...

Do something?

How about we serve both of them?

- Great idea, son.
- You called me son.

Yes, thank you, my actual son.

Double birds.

Makes total sense.

Huge Thanksgiving
announcement, Bill and Lainey.

I won't be eating turkey
this year for moral reasons.

- What's her deal?
- Get out of here!

No one has time for
your thing this year.

While Thanksgiving was
off to a competitive start,

I was realizing I
lost out big time.

I seemed to be the only
person in all of Philadelphia

who wasn't seeing
K.I.T.T. that day.

Man. I wish I was there.


What the hell is that?

It looks like your
father and your uncle

doing the thing
you wanted to do...

I know what it is, Pops!


That was amazing.

Who would've enjoyed
this more than us?

No one, that's who!

There was someone.

A spiteful dork in a puffer vest
ready to unleash pure nerd rage.


What are you doing?

I got to pull the car in!

How could you two
see K.I.T.T. without me?

Calm down. How was
I supposed to know

you wanted to see
the awesome TV car?

'Cause I'm the one
who told you about it.

Ah. That's where I heard that.

In my defense, you're always
talking about these He-Mans,

these robots, and these Trons,
they all kind of blur together.

You're confusing sci-fi fantasy
with reality-based sci-fi action.

You're embarrassing yourself!

Listen, kid, if it's any
consolation, you were totally right.

Meeting K.I.T.T. in person...

It was, like, life-changing.

It wa... It was better
than you could ever think!

That's not a consolation!
That's rubbing my face in it!

Look, I know it meant a
lot to you, so it's on me.

- And?
- And...

We should just move past this.

- No!
- Hey. Hey!

Your father is opening
up his heart to you, Adam.

You should be more
sensitive to his feelings.

It's Thanksgiving, man!

- Kids, huh?
- Unbelievable.

Fine! You want...
You want to see bad?

Mark my words,
vengeance will be...

Oh, man, this thing's fast!

Vengeance will be mine!

Ew, there's a spider here!

It was still Thanksgiving,

and I was going to dish
some sweet revenge by turning

my dad and uncle
against each other.

Come on, they're getting along.

Don't take that away from
them over some singing boat.

Talking car.

Enough with this meshuggaas.

Dad and Uncle Marvin
think they can just take

my favorite TV show?

We'll see about that when
I unleash the power of this.

A fun kid's game?

Ages 8 and up,

and guaranteed to turn
my uncle against my dad.

That's it, we are
officially not brothers!

Guys, relax.

All I said was only one person

could be the Michael
Knight game piece.

We just have to figure out
which one of you is not the hero.

I'm The Hoff!

If anyone is Michael
Knight, it's me.

Be the car. You love the car.

You think that I would
ever let you ride in me?


I ride in you.

This is, like, crazy awkward.

We can't have two
Michael Knights.

This is just like
when we were kids

and you always wanted
to be The Lone Ranger,

and you forced me to be Tonto!

You loved Tonto!

Why don't you both discuss
the childhood betrayal in detail?

I always wanted to
be The Lone Ranger,

but now I proved you wrong!

- I'm a cop!
- You're not a cop!

You just guard the fountain
where the bored dads sit.

Ouch. Attacking you as a person.

Well, you know everything
there is to know about sitting,

don't you, Mur?

Because that's all you
ever do, you lazy ass!

Well, I'm walking now!

Look at this!

You can't storm
out! That's my move!

He is the worst, huh?

Know what'll
really piss him off?

I don't. Tell me. Say it!

A picture of you sitting
in the real K.I.T.T.

That would prove
you're The Hoff.

Hey! The mall where I work...

That's where they're storing
all the Thanksgiving Day floats...

K.I.T.T. included.

Let's go there now.

What a brilliant idea, which
you had with no help from me.

Here's your jacket and car keys!

Let's jam!

As my plan was heating up,

things were getting frostier
between Bill and my mom.


Okay, Bill, if you
could just stay

in your designated
area, I would appreciate it.

Oh, my bad. You see,

when you're a pro at
Thanksgiving like me,

cooking is like jazz. You
just go where it takes you.


No one likes jazz, okay? No one.

Oh, well, maybe we should
do a little Pepsi Challenge.

Put our birds side by
side. Winner takes all.

We're not having
a cook-off, okay?

You're a guest in my home.

I couldn't embarrass
you like that.

Ooh! Sounds like
someone's scared.

Maybe you should be
cooking a chicken instead.

Okay, now he's taunting
her with the chicken squawk.

- This is bad.
- Don't sweat it, babe.

Big Tasty is the master
at defusing tension.

- There's a line.
- Excuse me.

- Stop it.
- I'm gonna just help you.

Mom. Bill. It's Thanksgiving.
And me and Lainey both think...

Oh, sweet god of food, what
is in my mouth-face right now?

Barry, no!

My famous fried stuffing balls.

Bill wins! Bill wins the Pepsi
Challenge for Thanksgiving.

Okay, what Barry meant to say

was let's not make
today a competition.

It's not what the
holiday's about.

Ow, so hot. Don't care.

Kids make a good point, Bev.

Today's not about
winners or losers.

- Don't look at me.
- You're right.

Shame on us for competing over
who cares more about Thanksgiving.

Although, if it
was a competition,

clearly I'd win because
I'm a single dad

and this day is all I got.

Oh, would you win, though?

'Cause I'm the one with three
kids about to leave the nest

and pretty soon it'll
just be me and Murray

staring silently at each other
across a long table thinking,

"Is this all there is?"

Sad story, Bev.

But not as sad as the Thanksgiving
when Lainey's mommy left.

Which isn't important,
'cause it's not a competition.

No, it isn't.

So it doesn't matter
that I tell you that year

I was too depressed to cook.

Little Lainey looked
up at me and said,

"Why no twurkey, Dada?"

In that moment, I vowed that I
would always fry her a turkey.

Okay, now you're both just
competing over whose life is sadder.

Oh, you want sad?
I'll give you sad.

It was Thanksgiving, 1946,
but where was Grandma?

Not at dinner.

She was pinned
underneath a trolley car.

Okay, stop. Just go back to
your stupid turkey competition.

- May the best turkey win.
- Which is mine!

Excuse me, I
need to get through.

- I'm sorry.
- Pardon me.

- I'm sorry.
- Pardon me.

As the turkey competition
turned into a nightmare,

I was about to meet
the car of my dreams.

Follow me.

Stick to the shadows,
watch my 6:00.

Do you hear that?

Do me a favor.

I want you to take a picture
of me as Michael Knight

and we can rub it in
your dad's ass-face!

Say, "Trans zam!"

Cool, and then maybe
we could switch?

Or we can fire it up

and then your dad can
see me behind the wheel.

Uh, I think if we
get caught driving it,

we could get into
some serious trouble.

Don't worry, kid.

The security in
this mall is terrible.

- I am the Knight Rider
- I am the Knight Rider

What the hell is this?

Now who's Michael
Knight, you dook nugget?

You made my son an
accessory to grand theft auto

just to get back at me?

It was worth it!

Unless I go to jail.
Then it was not worth it.

Get ready to gobble
gobble, Goldbergs.

Yes, we're all very
excited to eat a turkey

that's been fried
in a trash can.

Well, everybody hold on, your
taste buds are about to explode!


Admit it. I'm the
Michael Knight.

I'm even driving the car!

- Son of a bitch.
- Holy crap!

No, K.I.T.T.'s hurt real bad.

- Balls!
- Somebody call a car doctor.

That's called a
mechanic, you moron.

You shut up!

I'm the Michael Knight, okay?

I know exactly what to do here.

What's that?

It had been moments

since the Great Goldberg
Turkey Explosion,

but inside, my family
was about to go nuclear.

This is your fault, Mur.
You did that to my car!

It's not your car.

And how would I send a
turkey flying out of the sky?

A turkey only goes
airborne like that if it's frozen,

which means somebody
popped it in the freezer.

- You did this!
- Excuse me?

It's just like you to steal
a car on Thanksgiving.

Why don't you bring it back
before something worse happens?

There you go, bossing
me around again!

Face it. You've been
jealous of my turkey

since the moment it
stepped claw in this house.

This is exactly why I hated playing
The Lone Ranger when we were kids.

I had to be bossy!

I was the one raising you,
'cause our dad was never there.

Admit it! You put that
turkey in the freezer!

I never asked you
to be my father.

I never asked for
you to be my brother,

but I didn't get a
choice in that either.

All right! Maybe I did
want your turkey to be

a tad less delicious than mine,

but I didn't know it was going
to turn into a meat rocket!


Oh, boy. Barry, say something.

- I have no mother!
- Something helpful.

Then we both agree.
We're done being brothers!

Fine by me!

No! The idea here was to enjoy
a car, not hate each other forever!

Don't look at me.

He's the one that refused
to let me be Michael Knight!

I was wrong. There can be two.

Like how there are two
Adam Goldbergs in my school.

Come on, Lainey. We're leaving.

Yeah! I'm leaving, as well!

And I'm never coming back!

The Hoff has spoken.

Oh, no, he hasn't. You know why?

Because I'm The Hoff!

Oh, look, now The Hoff's spoken.

Oh, no, you are mistaken
because The Hoff already spoke!

Uncle Marvin, don't go!

You know nothing of The Hoff!

I am The Hoff,
infinity, no backsies!

There's two Adam Goldbergs!

One of us uses an
F to differentiate!

- What the...
- Everyone, come back!

It's Thanks... giving!

This is what you get
for being meat-eaters.

Not the right time to
talk about my thing, huh?

I'll come back later.

Look at that guy.

Born to be a pain in my ass.

Look, don't blame Uncle Marvin.

I may have kind of purposely
turned you guys against each other.


I was mad you saw
K.I.T.T. without me,

but it was wrong to
tear you guys apart.

Also, it was
shockingly easy to do.

Honestly, it weirdly
took no effort.

Yeah, well, it's on
me not remembering

that that's your favorite show.

At least I finally
got to see the car

'cause, you know, we stole it.

And I finally got
along with my brother.

For a little while, at least.

Well, it doesn't
have to be over.

Let me guess. You came
out here to tell me how much

I screwed everything up again.

I came out here to tell you that

I was wrong.


Look, I know I wasn't great to
you when we were growing up,

but, you know,
Dad wasn't around,

and I figured I
had to be the boss.

Yeah, well, I'm
sure it wasn't easy.

Point is, I should have
given you the chance

to be The Lone Ranger, too.

Thanks, man, that means a lot.

Well, you can still be The Hoff.

It's up to you. You know,
you're the one who's the cop.

Aw, Mur.

- You're choking me up here.
- That was not my intention.

- Bring it in.
- No, hugging in a car...

- No, I... I... Okay.
- Oh, buddy.

What's going on out there?

Dad apologized to Uncle Marvin.


I guess that's
what today's about.

Being thankful for the
people that are here,

even if they drive you crazy.

In that moment,

my mom realized she
could still save Thanksgiving.

Well, well, it's the
turkey saboteur.

I deserve that.

But I just wanted to
tell you that you win.

- I do?
- Yes.

Your Thanksgivings
were way sadder.

And I realize that as much
as the holiday means to me,

it means way more to you.

Listen, I just wasn't ready
to change up Thanksgiving.

It's always been me and Lainey.

She's all I have.

And now you have us, too.

And we can figure out

how to have the best
Thanksgiving for both of us.

That year, our Thanksgiving
got a little bigger.

Okay, folks,

Bev and I aren't quite
sure what this will be like,

but it's her seasonings
and a little bit

of Lewis frying
know-how. Dig in.

Holy crap, that's amazing.

What happened to
your vegetable thing?

Eh, I'll try it again next year

when everyone doesn't
have as much stuff going on.

Turns out, doesn't matter
what kind of turkey you cook...

And a happy
Thanksgiving, everyone.

- Happy Thanksgiving, you guys.
- Or what table you sit at...

It's the people who you
welcome into your home

and your heart
who really matter.

And that's something
to be truly thankful for.


Being a vegetarian sucked.

Honestly, I was just looking
for something to distract me

from thinking about
Geoff all the time.

No freakin' way!

Hey, Geoff! Look, it's Geoff!

I thought Barry was messing with
me when he said K.I.T.T. was here.

Knight Rider is
my favorite show!

Mine too! I love the knights
and horses and swords.

Maybe don't talk
until you've seen it.

We should take her
for a spin together.

Uh, maybe grab a
burger, just me and you?

Oh, my God, yes. We can swing
by Evy's house and pick her up.

She's gonna flip.

That's not how you
wanted it to work, huh?

Yeah, really not my week.

K.I.T.T., pick up girlfriend.