The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Han Ukkah Solo - full transcript

When you were a kid,
cracking open a toy catalog

and making your
holiday wish list

was the most exciting
part of the year.

But now that I was
a ninth-grade man,

I wanted something you
couldn't find in any store.

Psst! Yo! Goldnerd. Come here.

You got the money,
I got the hook-up.

Let me see it first.

Christmas came early.

He had a bootleg copy of
the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Holy Kenobi! The legend is true!



This is the rarest
film in existence.

Only aired once in
the lame-ass '70s.

Give me, give me, give me!

Pleasure doing business.
Enjoy your space wars.

Stop what you're doing.

I have the biggest
holiday news of all time.

If I were to stop
what I'm doing,

it'd be more than
what I'm actually doing.

Okay. So, as everyone knows,

Star Wars is my entire
life, soul and universe.

No dozing!

- Well, then be less boring.
- Boring?

This is two hours' worth of
unseen Star Wars goodness.

Star Wars. Is that
the one with the bear?



I mean, I even heard rumor
we meet Chewie's family.

Chuy? The guy who
works in my stock room?

No, Chewbacca.

Is he the little guy who
yells, "The plane, the plane"?

No, the Wookiee?
Han Solo's fuzz ball?

No dozing!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was December 14th,
1980-something, and that meant one thing.

The school holiday concert.

Joy to the world

The Lord has...

Jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle...

Deck the halls with
boughs of holly...

Yep. We did all the
fun Christmas classics.

We also did one half-assed tune

to give a shout-out
to the other holiday.

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel
I made it out of clay

And when it's dry and
ready Oh, dreidel I shall play

You need something?

Yeah, it's the second verse.

- That's you.
- That's a pass.

But it's the Hanukkah
solo. You do it every year.

I think the other way better
Goldberg should do the solo.

Check it.

Dreidel, dreidel,
dreidel I made it out of...

Nope. Can't do it.

I can't make it
cool. It's impossible.

Thank you for that journey.

Erica, if you didn't want the solo,
then why did you sign up for it?

- I didn't.
- Oh, yes, you did.

With a glitter pen.

That's not my handwriting.

'Cause I would never dot
the "I" in "Erica" with a heart.

Oh, she is so dead!

- You.
- Love me?

- Oh, my little schmoopaloo.
- Don't you "schmoopaloo" me.

What gives you the right to
forge my name on a sign-up sheet?

It was on the bulletin board.

All the solos were taken
except for Dreidel Cubed.

That's what the
hip cats call it.

No one calls it that.

The song isn't hip, and I'm
tired of singing it every year.

Fine, then you go in
and tell your grandfather,

and break his sweet heart.

He lives for that Hanukkah solo.

If you don't sing it,

you'll literally kill
that poor, old man.

I knew you'd say that.

Way to kill your grandfather
and Hanukkah, Erica.

This is just your classic
mom guilt. It won't work.

Pops, we need to talk.

Of course, darling.

How can I make your life better?

Damn you. He's so adorable.

- So, you'll sing it.
- Nope.

And if you have a
problem with that,

then you can just
ask Barry to do it.

Barry? Please.

Just heard my name.

What am I not
supposed to be hearing?

Surprise party? Award show?

Surprise award show party?

Honey, if I told you, it
wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

Damn it. That logic checks out.

Well, I'm gonna go find my
tuxedo T-shirt for no reason

and be back around
6:00, wink, wink.

Looks like my solo's
the least of your problems

now that you have to throw a surprise
award show party in 45 minutes.

As Erica ditched her solo,

I uncovered the mystery to
the Star Wars Holiday Special.

It wasn't great.

Wow.

That was so cool.

Were we watching
two different things?

You don't know Star Wars.

This special is
really for the true fan.

So, the true fan

wants to watch Dorothy from
The Golden Girls flirt with an alien?

Okay, I admit it
was an odd choice

to have Bea Arthur
manage the cantina.

Let's just move on.

And what's the deal
with Lumpy and Itchy?

Chewie's family had
to be named something.

Lumpy and Itchy?

Couldn't they have spent 15
more seconds on the names?

I don't know!

And I don't know why Art
Carney is a family friend

or why Jefferson Starship
is performing for the Empire.

Starship's in their name. That
one actually makes sense to me.

Let's never speak of this again.

So, you didn't
love it. Who cares?

I care!

I love Star Wars. It's my life!

It makes no sense
why I didn't love this, too.

It happens to every kid.

The older you get,
the more you realize

that all the things you
loved as a boy are pointless.

Are you saying I'm, like,

losing my sense
of childlike wonder?

Well, you're not a
child anymore, so, yes.

And frankly, it's about time.

- It happened to me when I was six.
- Six?

My dad lost a bet.
We slept in a car.

It was a whole
thing. Hey, good talk.

As I lost faith in
Chewie and Han Solo,

my mom was trying
to land Erica's solo.

Hey, hey, Suzie Cinoman.

How's the number-one music
and interpretive-dance teacher

- in Montgomery County?
- What's gonna happen to me right now?

Well, all that's
happening right now

is that this blondie
brought you some blondies.

I even sprinkled
some cinnamon on top.

It's us in dessert form.

That's very nice.

I'm just, um, gonna go
ahead and open this door

to make sure that
people know I'm okay.

Oh, come on. Everything's just
peachy. Here. Have a bite of us.

Go on. Put it in
your face. Yum, yum.

Mmm. Mmm!

- I guess we are friends now.
- Best friends.

And while you're chewing
on that, chew on this.

You're gonna give Erica
a solo or it's your ass.

I knew it! These blondies aren't
just sprinkled with cinnamon,

- they're sprinkled with deceit.
- Oh, give it up.

Erica has to sing
about Hanukkah.

It's what her grandpa
looks forward to all year.

I tried. She's just not down
with the dreidel. End of story.

Well, there must be one
other fun Hanukkah song.

- Think.
- There's this one.

Okay, you just spit all over me.

There is that one about
being frugal with oil.

I hate you right now.

Oh! I know! There's
that lively little one

- about trying to escape the Greeks.
- No! It's all no!

I guess I'll just have to coax Erica
into writing her own Hanukkah song,

and she'll knock
everyone's socks off.

I like your moxie,
but I'm pretty sure

that Hanukkah has
been around for a while,

and no one has
cracked that nut yet.

I bit that top one.

And so, my mom went to give
Erica something to chew on.

Hey, boopie. Whatcha doing?

Just noodling on a new song.

Oh, yeah? What's it about?

A boy who can't see
what's right in front of him.

Well, I know a pretty cool boy
you could write a song about.

- Who?
- Judah Maccabee.

Does he go to Lincoln?

- No, he's been dead for 2,000 years.
- Ew!

And he's the hunky warrior
who saved Hanukkah!

He booted the Greeks out
of the temple in Jerusalem.

He's the reason for the season.

This is starting to
sound like school.

Come on. This is for Pops.

You're so talented
at writing songs.

Share your gift with the world!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! If anyone in
this family is gifted at music-ing,

- it's Big Tasty.
- Okay, if he's doing this,

then clearly it's a
dead-end road. I'm out.

Kids, there's no
need to fight over

who's gonna write the
perfect Hanukkah song.

Although Barry does
seem to want it more.

Yes! Barry wins! In your face!

You're just trying to pit
us against each other

so I write you a song
out of spite. It won't work.

You're just trying to pit us against each
other so meow, meow, meow, meow.

Idiot, you're
playing into her plan.

Meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow.

You're a cat, basically.

"Meow, meow, meow, meow.

"I'm Garfield. I love lasagna!"

Ugh! You're so stupid! Fine!

I will write a better song
than you with my eyes closed.

Oh, yeah? Well, this will be the
song that puts me on the map.

I'm guaranteed to
make millions off of it.

Millions? By writing
a Hanukkah song?

Think about it.

What's the greatest cash
cow of our time? Give up?

- It's Happy Birthday.
- Wait.

Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you

Dude, no one owns that song.

Wrong. Two little old
ladies wrote it 100 years ago.

Now every time it's
sung on TV or movies,

they get $50,000.

Happy birthday to you...

- Boom!
- That's another $50,000.

Well, now I'm gonna be the
birthday guy for Hanukkah.

Ka-ching! In your stupid face.

In yours!

I'm gonna write the best damn
Hanukkah song this world's ever seen,

because you suck and
you make me very mad.

Yay! The Hanukkah
spirit is alive!

Hey, kiddo. What's shaking?

What's shaking
is Ghostbusters II.

It's riddled with
logic problems.

Since when can you use magic
slime and a Nintendo controller

to make the Statue
of Liberty walk?

Since the ghost
fellas can do anything.

Why are you being
so hard on them?

After I watched that
Star Wars special,

I've been re-evaluating all
the things I loved as a child.

Don't do that.

All the movies I worship
have come into question.

- Don't do that.
- Short Circuit 2, Time Bandits,

and don't even get me started
on Jaws 4: The Revenge.

Now, stop right there.

- I know you love that movie.
- Until now!

Why would a shark swim from
New England to The Bahamas

to eat a lady whose husband
killed his shark friend?

Sharks have feelings, too.

"This time it's personal."

How's that possible?

It's a fish! Fish
don't hold grudges.

Oh, so now you're
a shark expert.

All these years, I was a child

who blindly loved
anything put in front of him,

but now I'm a man.

And it's all gotta go.

And, so, I'd throw away
my childhood forever,

- which would be harder than I thought.
- Oh!

Yep. This was
gonna take a while.

Damn it!

I'm going downstairs and
finding a trash can for men.

As the holiday
concert got closer,

my mom had a perfect
plan to land Erica a solo.

So, I know I told you we'd be
working on a new Hanukkah song,

but we actually don't have one.

We have two.

- Erica, delight our ears.
- Okay.

Well, I don't want to
build it up too much,

but prepare yourselves for the
greatest Hanukkah song ever written.

Oh, yeah...

Hanu, Ha-Ha-Hanu

Hanukkah

I'm a-wishin'

I'm-a wishin'...

A happy Hanukkah to you

A happy Hanukkah to you

Happy Hanukkah, dear everyone

Happy Hanukkah to you

Yeah, that's the birthday song.

Not fair, cheater.

I can't use that song.

I will have to pay those old ladies
hundreds of thousands of dollars,

and I've already
spent our entire budget

on construction paper
for the snowflakes.

How could you let
this happen, Erica?

All you had to do was
write a timeless classic

that would last for ages.

I got you covered, Mom.

JTP, drop the beat.

How did Hanukkah
start you all wonder

Judah Maccabee, dinosaur hunter

He came to Earth
from outer space

- He hunted dinos -
For eight straight days

- Wow.
- What?

Education, y'all!

While I really do
appreciate the effort

even though, uh, one
song was plagiarized

and the other one
was factually insane...

You are insane.

I added dinosaurs to
a holiday about lamps.

It's called spicing it up.

Look, the Dreidel song
was our only option

and, truthfully, none of
this was worth the hassle.

You can't do this to me!

To Pops. This is about him.

Not my problem. The
Dreidel song is cut.

But I have more sick rhymes

about a dreideldactyl
and menorahsaurus.

They're dino-Hanukkah hybrids
who break-dance and fight crime.

Oh, ho!

Yo, yo, yo, I'm a dreideldactyl

And I'm also late, aren't I?

Hey. I got something big
to show Adam. Where is he?

Upstairs.

He said he was gonna
tear down his movie posters

now that his whole world has
gone to crap. Blah, blah, blah.

- I was making a sandwich.
- What?

- Why didn't you stop him?
- Stop him?

I told him this was about time.

This happens to everybody. It
just took him a few years longer.

Having unreasonable, childlike
wonder is what makes Adam Adam.

It's what I love about the boy.

I guess from now
on, Adam isn't Adam.

- We'll call him Gary.
- Who the hell's Gary?

Gary's the kid in Adam's class

who's really good at
baseball and rides the moped.

Ah, Gary.

So normal. So good at shortstop.

I'm gonna show Adam

that there's still plenty of
wonder left in this world,

and you'll have to get
off your tuchas to stop me.

Eh. Well played,
old man. Well played.

Kiddo, you're coming with me.

I got something fantastic
you're guaranteed to love.

- I'm good.
- Well, imagine if they made a movie

with your favorite
moving-picture maker,

- George Lucas.
- The Great Bearded One?

And what if Mr. Lucas then cast

that foxy Lea Thompson
from Back in the Future?

I'm slightly listening.

And what if I told
you this very movie

was from the writer
of Indiana Jones?

I'm an adult now. I know
it's simply not possible.

And yet it is,

and it's playing at
the Hiway Theater.

If this movie can't restore
your faith in dreaming,

then nothing will.

As always, Pops
was a man of his word.

Hi, three tickets for the
movie about the talking duck.

Except he took me to
the biggest flop of the '80s.

You know, I only
see one movie a year.

This better be good.

It's George Lucas!

I bet everyone in
school's gonna see it.

Well, except the other
Adam Goldberg in 11th grade.

He only goes to that cinema
downtown that serves wine.

It's been brought to my attention
that the Dreidel Cubed song

has been cut from
the holiday concert.

Honestly, it's for the best.

It's not. We got
to do the Dreidel.

- She's gotten to you, hasn't she?
- She who?

She is standing right
outside that door,

- isn't she?
- Yes.

So, here's the thing, Cinnabuns,

this Quaker school
was founded on the basis

that everyone deserves
a festive holiday song.

You can't have a holiday concert
without any Cha-nukkah songs.

- Just pick another one.
- Sure, Earl.

Uh, how about one of the famous
ones recorded by, I don't know,

- Barry Manilow or Neil Diamond?
- Perfect.

They only did Christmas songs.

Even they knew what
the audience wanted.

Well, look, if you don't
do any Cha-nukkah songs,

then you can't do any
Christmas songs, either.

Okay, this is
going off the rails.

If we can't mention
the holidays,

what are the kids
supposed to sing about?

Oh, I don't know.

The weather? Mittens?

The damn plow guy that
always skips your street?

I'm paying you! You think
of something, damn it!

Well, you've robbed the
children of the holidays.

I hope you're happy.

In my defense, I was only
trying to undermine you.

As my mom killed
the holiday concert,

I was bringing my
childlike wonder back to life

with a brand-new
legendary movie.

Or so I thought.

Like they say,
doll, love's strange.

- We could always give it a try.
- Okay.

Let's go for it, Mr. Macho.

What am I watching?

Come on. The duck is like
E.T. He just wants to go home.

Then how come he's spending
so much time managing that band?

Al, the duck's gonna
make it with that lady.

- What have you brought us to?
- A family film.

It's a family film.

I can't watch this anymore.

- Well, then let's go.
- Really? We can do that?

It's about time you learned

that an adult can
walk out of anything

and demand his damn money back.

I do it once a year.

- Let's go.
- Adam, no!

It's not that bad.

A lady and a duck in bed?

Who the thought
this was a good idea?

It was the final rehearsal

for the big non-holiday
holiday concert.

We wish you a snowy Tuesday
We wish you a snowy Tuesday

We wish you a snowy
Tuesday And a cozy weekend

Snowy night, secular night

O winter time, O winter time

You come before
spring and after fall

Here comes Uncle Doug
Here comes Uncle Doug

His flight gets in around 3:00

Okay, what the hell's going on?

Why are we singing terrible
songs about the weather

and someone's weird Uncle Doug?

Doug is my uncle and he lives in
Ohio and he helps me pay my rent.

And without naming names,
we are singing about the weather

because of Beverly Goldberg.

Oops. I let it slip.

Wait. This is your
hot mom's fault?

Um, Miss Cinoman,

can you not just sit there
and let them boo at us?

Yeah, I'm only used to
wild cheering and hearing,

"Aw, yeah, Barry! You the man!"

Mom!

Hey.

You stole Christmas, and now
the whole school blames us.

It was the worst day
ever. People booed me.

Me!

Thank God I'm getting
a surprise award show,

otherwise I'd be devastated.

Honey, there's not gonna be a...

Don't. Just don't.

Look, Erica, I'm sorry.

I did not mean to
ruin the concert.

Well, you did.

I'm sorry, Pops, but I'm not
singing your song this year.

What are you talking about?

Don't do this, Erica. Do
not upset this lovely old man.

Ba-bap. I'm talking about
the Dreidel song, Pops.

It's not happening.

Okay, I'm dealing with an Adam
crisis here, so is this necessary?

- The sweet man's busy. Leave him be.
- Ba-da-bup!

Mom made me sing that song for
you ever since I was in the third grade.

Oh, I see what's going on.

Your mother's lied
to you for a decade.

Have fun with that.

You're unbelievable.

Okay, okay. Here's the thing.

I might have slightly used Pops
to guilt you into singing for me.

Well, did it ever occur to you to
just ask me like a normal person?

Please! I gave up
on that years ago.

Look, when you
were a little girl,

every day, you used to dress
up and put on shows for me.

It was everything.

I remember that.

Well, those days are gone.

Now it's a "no" anytime
I ask anything of you.

So, I tricked you.

I just love hearing
my little girl sing.

I actually understand
your point.

Good.

'Cause I'm done
trying to trick you.

If you don't want to
sing, you don't have to.

I know I don't have to,

but now that you finally asked,

I kind of want to.

That night, my
sister gave my mom

the Hanukkah gift
she'd always wanted.

The joy of hearing
her little girl sing.

Think of your fellow man

Lend him a helping hand

Put a little love in your heart

You see it's getting late

Oh, please, don't hesitate

Put a little love in your heart

And the world

And the world

- Will be a better
place - Ooh, ooh

And the world

And the world

- Will be a better
place - Ooh, ooh

For you

For you

And me

And me

And, as it turned out,
Pops had a gift for me, too.

Thought you might
want this back.

Holiday Special? Did
you actually watch it?

Yep, and guess what?

I think you missed
something pretty big.

This guy. Know him?

Of course. Boba Fett.
He's my favorite character.

Got to admit, he
was pretty cool in this.

Wait a second.

This was made way
before Empire Strikes Back,

so if you think about it, the
Holiday Special gave us the Fett.

All I know is with
the right point of view,

this special really is
pretty damn special.

Pops.

Um...

I don't get it.

How do you manage to always
see the good in everything?

It's easy if you never
lose your childlike wonder.

It doesn't matter
how old you are.

People like us always have it.

- Really?
- Really.

I need you to
promise me one thing.

Always hold on to that
wonder, no matter what.

I will, Pops.

I love you.

I know.

Put a little love in your heart

And with that, Pops reminded
me that if you truly love something,

you never grow out of it.

That's the thing
about the holidays.

Even the biggest Scrooge might
be moved by a sense of wonder.

You replaced my
favorite posters.

I guess it's a holiday miracle.

Once I saw the good
in the Star Wars special,

I began to see the
good in everything.

And so I went back to
finish Howard the Duck.

Turns out he became
a legendary cult badass.

Aren't you glad we came
back and saw the end?

Oh, yeah. I wish I was
half as cool as Howard.

He does have a
way with the ladies.

There's got to be a better way

That's my baby! That's my baby.

Don't you think
it's time for a start?

Put a little love in your heart

I had to lie to make this
happen, but it was totally worth it.

And on Christmas morn

We will marvel at

The greatest gift of all -

Who's da mack? It's Judah Mac

Hunting dinosaurs
in his dope jet pack

What's that noise?
It sounds like thunder

It's Judah Maccabee,
dinosaur hunter

He once choked
out a Tyrannosaurus

He's looks just like a
Hebrew Chuck Norris

He's hunting dinos,
his name is Judah

Half of his brain is a computer

There's no dinosaur
that he hasn't destroyed

He's killed more
dinos than an asteroid

Want to fight Judah?
You gotta be kidding

He has a pet dragon
that'll do his bidding

He also has a staff
that controls the weather

His wife's named
Locklear first name Heather

This entire rap is
straight-up factual

Now drop that beat
and spin the dreideldactyl