The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - O Captain! My Captain! - full transcript

Barry tries to prove Beverly wrong in his chemistry class while Adam needs Erica's advice for his friendship with Emmy.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Ah, the teachers of our youth.

They pushed us, inspired our
minds, and made us who we are today.

And when those
great teachers got sick,

my mom stepped in to be a sub.

Bonjour, my little French fries.

By the time I'm done with you,
you're going to be eating snails,

not taking baths, and enjoying

the silent art of mime.

Like most substitute teachers,
she didn't know very much.

They're a weird people, hmm?

Then one day,
everything changed.

My mom saw the movie
Dead Poets Society.

O Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! My Captain!

When Robin Williams
inspired those stuffy rich kids

to stand on their desks,

my mom saw her true calling.

Who knew Mork from Ork
had such a serious side?

This movie proves that a sub

is the most important
person in a child's life.

Come Monday, that's
just what I'm gonna do.

Inspire my kids.

You mean, your students
or your actual kids?

Both. It's a win-win.

I'm sure they'll
see it that way.

- Hey, shut up.
- You shut up!

Good morning, class.

Uh, before we get started,
does anyone need to make?

Hmm? Anyone?

There's gonna be a
lot of learning today,

so if you got to
make, do it now.

Anyone got to make poo-poos?

- Stop! No one has to make!
- Moving on.

All right, according to this
memo from Principal Ball,

Mr. Gluckman has been
checked into a rehab facility

to address his
relationship with cocaine.

"Please tell the
students he has the flu."

Okay. Mr. Gluckman has the flu.

I'll be your sub for
the next 30 days.

- Sweet!
- A sub!

We get to waste a whole
month of critical learning

that'll put us behind
for years to come!

No, JTP! History has proven

my mom turns awesome
things to garbage!

Aw, who's that handsome
fella? Is he single?

- This is a nightmare.
- Question.

Who here is familiar with
the film Dead Poets Society?

Chill, dude. Your mom's
gonna show us a movie.

It's a classic sub move.

Oh, we're not watching
it. We're living it.

- Oh, no.
- Barry's right.

In fact, I need a volunteer
chosen completely at random

to come stand on my desk

and view the world
from a new perspective.

- Oh, no!
- She wants us to learn

by standing on furniture?

Standing on a desk was how
Robin Williams inspired his students.

Unfortunately, not
everyone liked to see things

from a different angle.

Whoa! Whoa!

There's no climbing in school!

Unless it's on a rope

hung dangerously from
the rafters of the gymnasium.

Dude, the hot
sub told us to do it.

Are you crazy? What
do you think you're doing?

Ho! Look, everyone.

It's the stuffy administration
coming to clip my wings.

No! For the past 30 years,

Mr. Gluckman has
sloshed corrosive chemicals

all over that old desk.

- It's falling apart.
- I fear nothing.

Like any great teacher,
I encourage my students

to seize the day!


I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was January 4,

The day a single text
message rocked my world.

Yo. Get this note
to Goldnerd for me.

Yep, back in the '80s,

this was our version
of sending a text.

You'd have to pass a note
the old-fashioned way, by hand.

Only problem was, your messages
weren't password-protected.

Mr. Goldberg,
since that little paper

is more important
than life-saving CPR,

maybe you'd like to stand
and share it with the rest of us.


To be clear, I
did not write this.

"Dude, when did Emmy
Mirsky get so dang foxy?

"I mean, holy boobs, Batman!

"Look at those
sweatshirt puppies."

Again, I did not write this.

Oh, that sucked.

My intention was to teach you
a lesson about note-passing,

but instead, I just made us
all feel wildly uncomfortable.

Let's just move on
to Chapter 6, okay?

"Female reproductive..."
Nope. Class dismissed.

Next time you get
caught with a note,

just do what a normal
person does and eat it.

Dude, you can't eat paper. My
mom says it plugs up your bottom.

Small price to pay to
avoid total humiliation.

I know, right?

I had to stand up
in front of everyone

and talk about my best
friend's, you know, stuff.

Wait. You thought that note
was embarrassing for you?

Well, who else
would it embarrass?

- Me!
- Why? The note said you were hot.

You should be happy about it.

Are you serious right now?


Boy, you really know your way

around relationships
with human beings.

I agree I'm flawed,

but I honestly have no
idea what I said wrong here.

Okay, I'm gonna shed some light

on what it's like to
be a freshman girl,

and it ain't gonna be pretty.

The seniors called me
"Frizzica Spazzberg."

Every ninth-grade girl,
no matter how she looks,

feels uncomfortable
in her own skin.

There's a hunk of
lettuce in your braces.

- How did you not feel it?
- I was going through a salad phase!

My point is, Emmy just needs a
friend who understands how she feels.

Seriously, though, there's like a
whole head of romaine in there.

I am gonna give you one
second to walk away. One!

As I was learning how
to be a better friend,

my mom was teaching Barry
how to be a better student.

I don't understand! This is
my house, not my school.

Now that I have the teaching
tools I learned in a movie,

I will not rest until you
get an "A" in this class.

Okay, now, the atomic
symbol "C" stands for what?

- Chemistry.
- Carbon.

It stands for carbon.

But it also stands for
chemistry, so half a point?

Okay. Name three
types of inert gases.

Easy. There's regular,
unleaded, and farts?

- "Farts"?
- Farts.

The answer is not farts!

How is fart not a gas?

Science makes no
sense, and I don't need it!

Especially 'cause I'm
gonna marry Kathy Ireland.

- Who?
- Supermodel Kathy Ireland.

I'm gonna be her lazy
mooch of a husband

who lives in her
mansion in Ireland!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go brush
up on my Irish culture...

And find me gold at the
end of the rainbow, mon.

Well, that accent was
definitely Jamaican.

Boopie, don't give up!
Mama believes in you.

Question. Why?

You're a substitute teacher. Just
give the boy a damn "A" already.

You want me to cheat?

Of course I do.

We got to get that moron
into some sort of college.

Can you believe this, Dad?
He thinks Barry can't do it.

His answer was "farts".

Okay, you really want
him to buckle down?

Let me go upstairs
and get his ass in gear.

By yelling at him and
calling him a moron?

No way. That doesn't work.

Barry needs inspiration.

All I need to do is
unlock his potential,

and then the sky's the limit.

His many limits are the limit.

His answer was "farts".

That day, I was also on a mission
to prove to Emmy I felt her pain.

All right, hormonal disasters!
It's time to pick teams.

- Shirts, Skins, Shirts, Skins...
- Okay, so why exactly did we cut math

to sit in on some
random gym class?

What you're witnessing

is a barbaric practice
known as "Shirts vs. Skins."

Nothing is worse than
having to awkwardly disrobe

in front of your bros.

You got to be kidding me.

I know! I mean, why
not shorts vs. pants?

Or red shirts vs. blue shirts?

Sure, it would take some
planning the night before,

but I could get a
phone tree going.

I mean, we are not the same.

Do you wear thick,
baggy-ass clothes

when it's 90 degrees
out to hide your body?

I thought you wear that
'cause you love Epcot.

I've never even been
there! Why would I love it?

'Cause it's like taking
a trip around the world

without leaving the
safe confines of Orlando?

Being a "Skin" in gym

is nothing compared to
being stared at all day.

Well, if you think about it,
my thing's actually way worse

'cause at least you get to
cover up with bulky fabrics.

I get no fabrics! None!

You're a douche lord!

Hey, Bar, how's
studying with Mom going?

Rad as all get-out.

Only took two minutes to
finish all of my homework.

She's really teaching
you science stuff?

Let's just say Mom is gonna be
very pleased with my answers.

Pops, give us a
taste. Question one.

"What is the chemical
symbol for sodium?"

And my answer?

"My mommy is the best mommy
ever of all mommies on Planet Mommy."

Nailed it!

What the hell are
you doing, you moron?

Just giving the lady the answers
she always wanted to hear.

Pops, what's the atomic
weight of chloride?

"Wittle Barry-wary like
Mummy's snuggy-wuggies."

Okay, this is just nonsense.

And with that, my
dad knew it was time

to inspire Barry in his own way.

Look, I hate to tell you this,

but your mom is looking
for any excuse to fail you.

What? Why?

Mom telling you to
study is just a trick,

because she knows you
never do what she says.

I do don't do that!

She really wants you to
fail so you don't graduate.

And no college means
you live here forever.

And that means she picks out
your clothes for the rest of your life.

But I want Kathy Ireland

to pick out my clothes
for the rest of my life.

Well, I hope she enjoys
sharing a family bathroom.

No! She likes sushi and
smoothies and Malibu!

- I don't know what to tell you.
- Mom will not control me.

I will learn all chemistry...
No, all science!

- Mom says you won't.
- Oh, I will.

Time for me to tear off
this plastic shrink-wrap

and get to learning.

But the year is half-over.

And that, my friend, is
how you truly inspire a kid.

All you did was use his mother
as a weapon to rile him up.

I do it all the time.

It's how I got Erica to learn
piano, Adam to ice skate.

I just tell them that their
mom is holding them back.

You do know that if
Bev finds out about this,

she'll never forgive you.

No doubt.

Ah, screw it. You did
what you had to do.

It had been days since
Emmy talked to me,

so I decided to recruit someone
who spoke her language.

Okay, before you throw a hard
object at me and say "Get out"...

Get out!

I have a big favor to ask,

and will pay a huge
sum of money to do it.

I'm listening.

I need you to give this note
to Emmy and make her read it.

She's still not
talking to you, huh?

Honestly, she's being
crazy and irrational,

but as you can see in this note,

I'm the bigger man and
still willing to apologize.

"Dear Emmy, you're
being crazy and irrational.

"Let me explain the many reasons

"why your super-silly
female body issues

"are all in your head." No.

Fine! Then you fix it.

Exactly how much
money are we talking here?


Which is what this
Megatron will be worth

on the black market in 30 years.

I'll do it for 20 bucks.

Five bucks and a Skeletor?

I'll do it if you
just go away now.

And so my sister would help
me, but not by going to Emmy.

Hey, Coach, got a minute?

Kind of busy, female Goldberg.
I'm inventing a new hybrid sport.

Either, uh, baseball
fencing or water polo squash.

You can't play squash under
water. People need to breathe.

"Need to breathe."

That makes sense.

"Need to breathe."


So, my brother's been a
bad friend to Emmy Mirsky.

Ah, stabbed in the
back by your best amigo.

That is a crime worse than
all the murders in the world.

I don't think that's
right, but sure.

So, could you help her by
blatantly abusing your authority?

You want old Coach to
exact sweet revenge, huh?

No problem.

- You're an amazing teacher.
- I'm sure of it.

While Erica was looking
to teach me a lesson,

Barry was ready to learn.

- JTP!
- JTP!

I need you to teach me everything
about chemistry so I can get an "A."

Are you sure you
want to join us, bro?

Yeah, you tend to just
sort of peter out, insult us,

and then leave us high and dry.

Not this time, my tiny
friend I can fit in my pocket!

I have enough anger in me
to last for at least three days.

Let's do this!

- What are you doing?
- Taking photographs with my mind.

- You mean memorizing?
- Done! Quiz me.

- Fire away.
- Dude.

It takes more than just
glancing at our note cards

to know what elements are in
group four of the periodic table.

Titanium, zirconium,
hafnium, and rutherfordium.

Whoa. When you've got hate in
your heart, you're, like, crazy-smart.

Also, it totally proves you were
never living up to your potential.

Indeed, Geoffrey.

And I will use that potential
to stop my mom's evil plan.

And he did. Barry was so
psyched to teach my mom a lesson,

he couldn't stop
teaching himself.

Well, look at you guys studying.

Just tutoring my boys.

They're having a
hard time keeping up.

Keeping up with you?

Turns out science just
kind of clicks when I try.

Barry's even read four
chapters ahead, for fun.

That's right. He knows stuff we
can't even begin to comprehend.

Until we read that
far into the book.

Thanks to you telling me
about Mom's awful plan

to keep me here
to love me forever.

You're really showing her.

Just maybe you keep your
rage-learning between us.

But what's the
point of knowledge

if you don't use it to
destroy your mother?

You know what would
really stick it to her?

If you tell her after
you got into college.


Imagine how miserable she'll
be when I go off to Harvard.

You'll destroy her for sure.

But until then, let's
just keep it our secret.

Our wonderful secret.

As my dad was trying
to keep Barry quiet,

I was just trying
to keep my shirt on.

Shirt. Skin.

Shirt, Skin, Shirt,
Skin, Shirt, Skin, Shirt.

Yes! I'm golden.




- Whoa. Hey, hang on.
- This better be important, Goldfarb!

It is. You double-Skinned.

How about that?
I did double-Skin.

But you can't double-Skin.

It's Shirt, Skin, Shirt, Skin.

I can Skin-Skin anytime I like.

If you Skin-Skin, there's
no rules! It's chaos!

Maybe now you'll
know what it feels like

to be a young
girl coming of age!

Wait, is this about Emmy?

The best teachers never
reveal if it's about Emmy.

So it is about Emmy!

You should have
just eaten the note.

Everybody eats the note!

Why do people think eating
paper is a viable option?

Just for the back-talk, you're
a Skin for the rest of the week!

- No!
- Now you're a Skin

for the rest of the
year! You keep it up,

- you'll be a Skin for life!
- You can't do that.

Trust me. On your wedding day,

you will walk down
the aisle shirtless.

No respectable
venue would allow that!

It'll be a beach wedding!

That sounds wonderful
and like my worst nightmare.

That was when I realized

the person I'd enlisted to
help me only made it worse.

You did this!

You said you wanted my
help, so I'm helping you.

I meant talk to her and
make everything better for me.

Instead, you got
Mellor all riled up!

You know he riles easily!

I wasn't just
gonna bail you out.

- You'd never learn if I did that.
- Learn what?

Do you know how hard it
was for me to be Frizzica?

I used to eat lunch
in the bathroom stalls.

I'd take the back
hallways to avoid boys.

I even spent Saturday nights at
home watching the news with Dad.

He yells so much at the news.

It's like he thinks
they can hear him!

But you want to
know the worst part?

Is I had no one to
talk to about any of it.

But Emmy does. She has you.

But you're only
thinking about yourself

instead of being there for her.

All right. Enough

Shirt off. Get in the game.

You'll have to catch me first!

I'm athletic when determined.

I'm a Skin.

Boom! Read it and weep.

Read it to me. It hurts
when I look down.

It's Barry's chemistry test,
and guess what? He aced it.

- Or should I say, I aced him.
- Guess you did, huh?

No, you said I
couldn't "Captain" him,

- but you were wrong, sucka!
- You showed me.

Attention, people in the room.

I have a huge
announcement about my future

that I need to rub
in my mother's face.

No, no, no. We said we were
gonna be rubbing at a much later date.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I couldn't wait for Harvard
to beg me to join their ranks.

This is too good.
It must be rubbed.

Wait, did I hear "Harvard"?
I think I heard "Harvard".

Oh, you heard it.

Thanks to my newfound
love of sciences,

I've officially decided
what to do with my life.

I shall be a doctor.

- I give you the JTP.
- JTP!

Not the Jenkintown Posse.

I'm talkin' about the
Jenkintown Practice.

An all-in-one medical facility
where I'll be CEO and lead surgeon.

I'm the in-house

I'm the foot doc, y'all.

And I'mma play drums
in the waiting room.

I cannot believe
what I'm hearing.

- Tell me more!
- No. Let's not.

Sorry, Mom. You lose.

- We've heard enough.
- I will succeed in life

- just to spite you.
- No!

What do you have
to say about that?

This is the happiest
day of my life!

What? Why is this good news?

'Cause I inspired you to learn!

Now, get up on that table and
"O Captain! My Captain!" me.

But I thought you
secretly wanted me to fail.

Of course not. Who would
give you such a nasty idea?

- Maybe we should go.
- What the hell's happening here?

Ooh. I'd like to stay
and quietly watch.

I may have slightly
motivated the kid

using you as a
springboard for his hate.

- Yeah, you get it.
- Wait.

My mom genuinely wants
me to thrive? This is horrible!

No, it's great. You love
science now. We all win.

It's all built on lies.

I fully reject science
and all learning!

I'm sorry, JTP. We're
no longer the JTP.

We're just the JTP.


Bevy, I only wanted
to help the kid succeed.

Well, your way worked. Congrats.

- Wait. Where you going?
- To quit.

I'm no teacher.

And the worst part is,

the only thing I inspired
in my son is resentment.

I had messed up with Emmy,

and it would take a
miracle to fix our friendship,

- or a couple of jerks.
- Dude.

Fresh hottie, 9:00. Nice rack.

Sorry. Allergies.

In that moment, I finally saw
how hard it was for Emmy,

and I knew just what I had
to do, even if it killed me.

Excuse me. Hi, I'm
Adam F. Goldberg.

Not be confused with
the other Adam Goldberg.

The artsy dude?

Actually, we both have
an appreciation for the arts.

He's more of a multi-hyphenate.

I've been focusing
on the written word.

What the hell is your
problem, dorknard?

I just heard you talking
about my friend here.

Dude! Go away, it's fine.

No, it's not! I mean,
how would you feel

if every time you
walked through school,

the girls talked
about your body?

I'd nod and say,
"This saddle seats one.

"Unless you're a
twin, then it seats two."

Point is, maybe we should
just be more sensitive.

It's hard enough to be a
freshman hoping you can fit in.

I'm hoping you can
fit in that trash can.

Exactly. Wait, what?

Oh! Oh, God!

Not the trash!

That's where Nurse Steve
dumps all the old Band-Aids.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

- Hands off the dork.
- Or what?

I sit behind you in Spanish.

Next siesta you take in class,
snip-snip, you lose the ponytail.

- But that's where my soul resides.
- Come on, man.

She's turning the tables
on us, and I don't like it.

Dude, that was badass.

Well, you're a tough girl.

It may take you a few
years, but you'll get there.

Trust me.

Are you crazy? You
almost got trashed!

I just figured I should
be there for you,

no matter how hard it gets.

Thanks a lot.

Now I'm crying at school 'cause
you're such a dumb, great friend.

The dumbest.

Yep, growing up is
an awkward adventure,

but with a little understanding,

we can help each other
get through the rough spots.


Please don't make
a big deal out of this.


I get a hug even though I
made you a Skin for life?

You also just saved it.

I'm your big sis.
That's what I'm here for.

I'm gonna hug you again.

Do it and you die.

No, I...

Sometimes, we're so
consumed with our own problems,

we can't see what other
people are going through

until we open our
eyes and our hearts.

Dude! Knock first!

What'd you put
under the mattress?

Magazine. Dirty
kind with lady parts.



Look, I love science. I'm
good at it, and I feel ashamed.

- Well, don't. I'm proud of you.
- You are?

Look, it was wrong to use
your mother against you,

but now we know how much
you can do if you actually try.

Yeah. Who knew?

I'll tell you who knew.
Beverly Goldberg.

She believed in
you the whole time.

I guess she is a good teacher.

And she's also a
damn-good mother.

And maybe it wouldn't
hurt if you let her know.

All right! Quiet down!

I'm your substitute sub, which
means study hall for a month!

Sorry to interrupt. I just
came to get my mug.

Wait! Mom!

O Captain! My Captain!

Sit down, Mr. Goldberg!

On behalf of me and the rest
of the Jenkintown Practice,

thank you for believing in us.

- And in me.
- I said sit down, Mr. Goldberg!

O Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! My Captain!

O Captain! My Captain!

What'd I say about standing
on the desks? Everybody down!

Dude, they're sticking it to Mellor
by standing on school property!

I'm king of whatever
class this is!

- This school sucks!
- Screw you, Dad!

- Rush rules!
- I will never die!

Turns out, Beverly
Goldberg was way more

than just a substitute teacher.

She was permanent inspiration.

My baby's gonna be a doctor.

Eh, I'll believe
that when I see it.

Dad, say something.
How do you feel?

I am so proud and happy.

Now that he's gonna be
going to medical school,

I cried like a baby.

Because that means
for another four years,

he'll still be out of the house

so we can keep the room neat.

And that is how you
perform CPR on a man.

Whoa. Mr. Goldberg,
what is that you have there?

- Is that another note?
- What? You just...

You know the rule.

If you get caught with a note, you
have to stand up and read it out loud

so that everybody can hear it.

"Hey, Adam. Who's
your favorite teacher?

"I know mine's old Glascott.

"He's hip like us.
Dude just gets it.

"Did you know he's in a funk-fusion
band called Funk and Games?

"I heard he's playing at the
farmer's market this weekend."

I can't read anymore.
I'm just gonna eat it.

You can't eat paper!
It'll plug you up!