The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 21 - Fonzie Scheme - full transcript

ADULT ADAM:
Growing up in the '80s,

some of my best memories
were with my big sister, Erica.

She was always there for me

and entertained even
my silliest of ideas.

My big brother,
on the other hand,

was most entertained by
smacking me around like a rag doll.

- Barry, put me down!
- Nope.

Don't jostle him too much.

I am not paying to have
the carpet shampooed again.

Mom, help!

ADULT ADAM: Like most
brothers, when we got together,



we didn't always make
the brightest of decisions.

What are you two dopes doing?

Deciding which
college we should go to.

We taped 18 hours' worth
of USA Up All Night movies

and carefully studied them all.

Got to tell you,
it's a tough choice.

It's between
Screwball Academy...

Which is ranked first
in coed pillow fighting.

Or the unnamed school
from Sorority House Party,

which has a great
wet t-shirt program.

None of it's real!

Bikini Ski School isn't real.

You sound like the stuffy dean
who lost the mountain in a ski race.

ADULT ADAM: Oddly enough,
it seemed like the older we got,



the stupider the ideas became.

What are you doing?

Dude, look how awesome
I am at this balloon.

Eh, I've seen better.

Better? Let's see
you handle the heat!

Ha! I'm so much better
at the balloon than you.

Fine! First one to
let it hit the ground

gets their nurples purpled.

Game on, loser.

I'm coming at you
with everything I've got.

Nine hundred fifty-five.

- Nine hundred fifty-six.
- Nine hundred fifty-seven.

I love how close they are.

Don't encourage these
morons. You're aggravating me.

Stop it. Stop
hitting the balloon!

Murray, let me put
some salad on your plate.

This is the worst
dinner of my life.

Oh! Still in play!

Please give up. I
can't feel my arms.

Just let it hit the ground.

You let it hit the ground.

I have a Spanish test in the
morning I'm gonna fail 'cause of you.

Someone let it hit the ground

and end this ferkakte
game already.

We're too far in, Pops.

- There's no going back.
- He's right.

We're in too deep!

It's just a balloon.

Not anymore!
This is our life now.

You'll all come to
accept it in due time.

Okay, enough of this stupidity!

ADULT ADAM: Fortunately, for every
dumb idea my brother roped me into,

there was always my
sister to bail me out.

There. It's over. It's a tie.

- Go back to your meaningless lives.
- I'm free!

Thank you for saving
us from ourselves.

Let go.

- You let go first.
- Never.

- (BOTH GRUNTING)
- Is this another game?

I don't understand
a thing you two do.

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
April 26, 1980-something.

The day my dad was honored

as one of Jenkintown's
top businessmen.

His speech was one that said
little while meaning even less.

I can't remember
that customer's name.

Um...

Well...

No.

Point being is,

that's why you always
sell end tables separately.

Well, thank you so much
for the award and for lunch.

It was... Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

All right, let's go. I
want to beat traffic.

Oh. That was such
a great speech, Mur.

I am so proud of you.

Tell him how
proud you are, kids.

- Good stuff.
- You really did it.

Your job kind of sucks.

Ooh! Look, they're
hanging your plaque, Mur.

I'm literally kvelling out
of every pore of my body.

Look at all the amazing
people you're with.

Yeah, I didn't know Martin from
Martin's Aquarium did all this stuff.

He plays jazz, sailed
around the world.

Yeah, and that guy
from Ventresca's Tuxedo

climbs mountains and
volunteers at the zoo.

Here it is, Mur. Behold.

BARRY: "Hobbies. Watching the
weather channel and 'getting comfortable.""

He nailed it.

This is all you wrote, Murray?

What? I only had a
month to think of stuff.

Well, I'd say that's a
very accurate description

- of his lifestyle.
- Not at all!

Your father has many
wonderful interests and hobbies.

- I do?
- He does?

Of course. I mean...

Well, for starters, there's...

I got one. He loves
to call us morons.

I thought of that, but
that's not a hobby per se.

- Stop it.
- He likes replacing batteries.

- And checking the mail.
- Okay, you're not helping.

Oh, and turning the lights off.

And screaming at us for
not turning the lights off.

Always being
annoyed is not a hobby.

He also screams when
we slide around in socks.

Hey. Stitches aren't free.

Murray, the whole
town is gonna see this,

and they're gonna think
the Businessman of the Year

is a lazy lump.

I'd say more of a lovable loaf.

You used to ride bikes
and go to museums

and see plays.

What happened to
the man I married?

Dad rode a bike?

Ha! That must have looked nuts.

That's like Charles
Barkley jockeying a horse.

I can't even imagine that.

Just go wait outside.

ADULT ADAM: And so, to
cover for my dad's laziness,

my mom spent the
day covering his award

- from the whole town.
- (COUGHS)

Move along. Don't want
anyone to get my cold.

Okay, Mom's not gonna
let anyone see that plaque,

so we're stuck here until it
closes down for the night.

- Damn it! This day could not get any worse.
- (TIRES SCREECH)

Hey, kid, take my clubs up
front. Return this cart for me.

Oh, balls! He
thinks you work here.

Told you something special
happens every time I dress up.

Whatever you're thinking, no.

But a random guy just told us

to tear around the golf
course and jump stuff.

He didn't say that at all.

What do you think? Should I
go? Tell me to go, and I'll so go.

Know what? I'm done
looking out for you guys.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means next year,
I'm going to college

far, far away from you jamokes.

Consider this a trial run.

Your stupidity is
in your own hands.

But that's a lot of pressure.

Adam, it has a horn!

- (HORN HONKING)
- A cute little horn!

Oh, boy, here I go! Thank
you for whatever you said.

- Let me honk the horn.
- (HORN HONKS)

(LAUGHS)

(SINGING) Dare, dare
to believe you can survive

Whoo!

I love being a badass!

I'm like Smokey and the Bandit!

Whoo!

Aah!

Fore! Whoo! Whoo!

(LAUGHS)

ADULT ADAM: That
day, fate was on our side.

Best day ever!

Turns out, a little
construction on the golf course

created the perfect ramp.

Lucky for you, it's
about to get a lot better!

Dare, dare to believe you can

Well, you were right.

I could not jump it.

We need Erica! Go get Erica!

Dude! You heard her.

She's done dealing
with our awesome hijinks!

I think this is less hijinks

and more of a felony.

We should run.

ADULT ADAM: While
Barry and I ran from the law,

my dad was ready to
break out of his old habits.

I've given this
a lot of thought.

I don't want you to
think of me as a lump.

So if it'll make you happy,

I'll do a hobby.

Oh, Murray, that's
such great news

'cause I already got
you a hobby coach.

What?

Well, I laid on the
guilt pretty thick.

I knew you'd
cave. Dad, it's time!

Do not parade your dad out here.

- Don't do that.
- Hey, hey.

Who's ready to
fill his hobby hole?

Okay, I don't have a hole.

And if I did have a hole,

I wouldn't want to
fill it with a hobby.

Sure, you would.
Take it away, Dad.

Okay, let's get the
hobby ball rolling

with the greatest
hobby of them all,

music.

(AL SINGING)

- (BANJO PLAYING)
- Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?

Won't you come home?

You got to bang the bongos, Mur.

I don't want to bang the bongos!

Just bang the bongos.

I'm not banging the bongos!

Just give the
bongos a little bang.

If you want the bongos banged
so bad, you bang the bongos!

How can I bang the bongos if
I'm playing Bill Bailey on the banjo?

Murray, stop bickering
and bang the bongos!

Aah!

Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey?

Hey, you got to
bang to the beat, Mur.

You're not banging to the beat.

I'm trying the best
I can! This stinks.

Maybe your hobby's
being an (BLEEP).

What did you say?

Remember that rainy evening?

I sent you out

Okay, enough music.

Clearly, this is something
I've got to get involved with.

No, you don't!

This brings me joy!

Look, it's my hobby now.

Come on, we'll find a fun hobby

that you and I can do
together, like, uh, scrapbooking.

- Huh?
- Jazzercise?

- Right.
- Power walking?

Power walking?

- Couponing?
- Coupon... What the hell's...

- Well, what's that?
- It's a way to save money.

Oh. All right, I'll do that one.

Really? I mean, there's so
many better things we could do

where we'd be outside,
getting fresh air...

No, I want to do the one
where we save money.

Fine, I guess it's couponing.

(LAUGHS) Yay! My
husband has a hobby.

I think I just got too
ambitious with the bongos.

Would you be open to clapping?

Al! I don't want to
make any more sounds!

ADULT ADAM: As my dad decided
his new hobby was saving money,

Barry was coming up with
a plan to save our butts.

There it is, gentlemen, the
answer to all our problems.

Uh, how, exactly?

Easy. We steal Cecil
the janitor's golf cart

and replace the one we sunk.

It's the perfect crime.

But then Cecil has no cart.

Way ahead of you.

We then steal another golf cart

from a different country
club to replace Cecil's.

But then wouldn't the second
golf course be missing their cart?

Which is why we steal
and replace golf carts

several times a day for
the rest of our natural lives.

Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?

Fonzie has nothing to do with this,
Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.

Not a Fonzie
scheme, dude. "Ponzi."

And that's exactly what this is.

Not at all. All we got to do

is swipe hundreds, if not
thousands, of golf carts

to keep our scam
alive until we grow old

and our children take our place.

You really need to go
to your sister about this.

On my way.

Erica, I need your help!

Bup, bup! We discussed this.

My days of looking after you
are done. You're a man now, right?

Thing is, in this case, I feel
more like a scared little boy

who needs his big sister.

God, no!

Just pretend it's next year, and
I'm at college. What do you do then?

Call you on a special red phone

so you can rush home
and fix my dumb mistakes?

Look at me.

There is no red phone.

I am far away, living an
awesome life without you.

What about the house
mother in your sorority?

Can she give you the message
between bikini tickle-fights?

You really need to stop watching

USA Up All Night boobie movies.

So (SIGHS) you're not gonna
talk to me when you're at college?

No, but you'll see me at Thanksgiving
and when I run out of money.

I'm, like, reeling right now.
You gave me no warning!

I've been talking about going
to college for the last four years!

But it had no resonance
till this very moment!

I'm okay with that.

Please consider forgoing
college and staying with me.

That's so cute. No.

Then you leave me no choice.

From this moment forth, you are
not the Erica I need and depend on.

Barry shall be my Erica!

Here's a crazy idea.

Why not make Adam the Erica
and just figure it out yourself?

Never!

Barry will shepherd
and guide me through life

like a bright North Star,

and, from now on, I'm
putting all my trust and faith

in Barry, a.k.a. New Erica.

Great news!

I stole Cecil's cart to
replace the one we sunk.

Our life of crime begins now.

(SIGHS)

Well, I guess that's my cue.

Guess so.

(EXHALES)

ADULT ADAM: Our Fonzie/Ponzi
scheme was in motion.

Surprisingly, Barry's complex plan
was coming together without a hitch.

Okay, we're just gonna abandon
this thing by the clubhouse,

and they'll never
know the difference.

Wow. This plan
actually can work.

- I'm so glad you're my New Erica.
- Your what?

I'm just saying,
with her ditching me,

you're now entirely responsible
for my future and safety.

Nice! Now, let's floor this bad
boy and jump that hill again.

Uh, not to second-guess
you, New Erica,

but we've already tried this,
and it went real bad for us.

The new cart is so
much sleeker, Adam.

It has a janitor
broom on the back

that acts as a wing to
lift us to the heavens.

There's no way you
believe that's real, right?

Trust your New Erica.

Time to taste the sky!

(SINGING) Dare, dare
to believe you can survive

What happened?

Why aren't we triumphantly
soaring through the air like falcons?

Thank God. We bottomed out.

Let's just leave the
cart and go home.

(SIGHS)

Don't worry! Big
Tasty's got this.

We've just got to jump on the
back until it seesaws out of here.

One!

Two!

Oh, no!

ADULT ADAM: And like
most Fonzie schemes,

this one collapsed
lightning fast.

- I'm good. I'm good.
- Oh, God.

You just got run
over by a golf cart!

- I'm good!
- Why do you keep saying you're good?

There's no way you're
good. I'll go get Erica.

No! I'm the Erica now.

Listen to me closely.

Go get Erica. There's
a golf cart on me.

But you said you were good!

Go get her!

(PHONE RINGS)

Yello?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have a collect call from...

We're at the golf course.

Barry's pinned under
a cart. We need you!

Do you accept the charges?

Mmm...

Nope.

ADULT ADAM: As promised,
Erica had abandoned us.

Meanwhile, my dad was
embracing his new couponing hobby.

Of course, he'd
need intensive training

from the master of
all bargain hunters.

(SIGHS) Murray,
this is a big moment.

I have never given my coupon
pouch to another human person.

I don't need it.
Look right here.

Packaged pastrami,

with this circular, two for one.

- And where'd you get that?
- They were at the front of the store.

Yeah, because the store
circular is a sucker's play.

My babies do not eat pastrami
wrapped in deadly plastic.

Even better, they're practically
giving away canned meats.

ADULT ADAM: Once my dad
felt the rush of saving money,

the student quickly began
to surpass the master.

Whoo-hoo, I got myself a hobby!

But you're picking
all the wrong stuff.

The point of couponing
is to find savings

on things you actually want.

And I want to save money.

Look at this. They
got canned bananas.

You buy five, you get 10 free!

Bananas don't need cans.

They're wrapped by God!

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
lost my dad to his new hobby,

Erica found her new boyfriend
had planned quite the surprise.

Geoff, what's all this?

As you know, I
wanted to do something

really special for
our first official date.

Yeah, we're going
to Red Lobster.

Thing is, I didn't realize we're
smack in the middle of Crabfest,

- so they're booked solid.
- Damn it! It's April already?

Seems like just
yesterday, it was Clamuary.

I know how much you had
your heart set on fancy seafood,

so I scored some fresh
lobster for us to cook here.

Oh, it'll be just
like Annie Hall!

So cute and fun and...
What the hell are those?

They're lake lobsters, same
tender meat with half the salt.

There's only two.
They're bite-sized.

Yeah, they looked bigger in
the bed of that pick-up truck

- I bought them from.
- It's fine.

I had a big lunch.
Just cook them up.

Um, I was kind of thinking
maybe you could touch them

because looking at them
makes my skin crawl.

Ew, gross. You're the
boyfriend. Just grab them and...

Oh, no, one of them is missing.

Aah! It must've scurried off!
He knew what we were planning!

Really not what I had
in mind for our first date!

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have a collect call from...

We need you!

Do you accept the charges?

We discussed this,
Adam. You're on your own!

- What was that about?
- Eh, Barry's pinned under a car

or something. Back to our date.

I think you should go help them.

No! We had a decade
of terrible timing.

I will not have our first date
ruined by my idiot brothers.

Now, let's eat these beach
termites and make some memories.

Aah, it's on you! Its
pincers are clamped on!

What? Geoff, get it off!

Get it off! Geoff!

Aah, it's clamped on so good!

- Get it... Aah!
- Aah!

Ow, get it off!

ADULT ADAM: Yes, Erica's romantic
evening with Geoff was off the rails,

and so was my
dad's coupon clipping.

What the hell's all this?

You're looking
at our retirement.

All right, no more
couponing for you.

I want my pouch.
Give me my pouch.

It wasn't big enough.

We have a savings satchel now.

There is no such thing
as a savings satchel.

Tell the ladies at
the Pick 'n Save.

All they could do was
look at my satchel.

You went to the Pick
'n Save in Trenton?

Have you lost your mind?

What are you so angry about?

I'm finally into a hobby. I
thought you'd be happy.

Happy?

This can says "meat."

There are no other
descriptive words.

Meat! What more
do you need to know?

- Meat.
- That's enough.

I'm going to my backup pouch.

Whoa, whoa, hang on.

- What's in your purse?
- Nothing.

Is that quilted three-ply
premium toilet paper?

Actually, it's four-ply.

Four-ply? That's
three plys too many!

No one uses one-ply,
Murray. No one.

A person needs
at least two plys.

What is this, Falcon Crest?

I've been a couponer
long enough to know

that you paid
full price for this.

I regret nothing.

Your coarse single-ply is
sandpapering our tushies.

Poor Adam can barely walk.

Single-ply builds character.

Let's just go back to the
way things were, okay?

Back to you watching
TV and being comfortable.

I thought you were embarrassed
by your dumb lump of a husband

who doesn't go to plays
and doesn't go to museums

and doesn't ride a bike
like some European.

Well, I didn't
mean it like that.

Yes, you did!

You blocked that plaque with your
body, and you called me names,

and you hurt my feelings.

Since when do your
feelings ever get hurt?

Since now.

All I was trying to do was remind
you of the man you married.

Guess I'm terrible at that, too.

ADULT ADAM: It had been an hour
since Barry got pinned under a golf cart,

and, well, he was still trapped.

Aah, I'm wedged even worse!

In classic Barry fashion, each
new plan was shoddier than the last.

Okay. Here's the plan.

I need you to dig down and use
a sudden burst of super strength

to pull this cart off me.

Wha... I don't have
super strength!

Come on, it's like when a
mom pulls a car off her kid!

- I can do this!
- Save baby Barry.

I'm a mama, and you're
my scrumptious little boopie!

(GRUNTING)

- Oh, no.
- It's working?

How do you get "It's
working" from "Oh, no"?

I split my pants.

Ha! Get over here and show me
your butt so I can call you a lame nerd.

No time. I've got to fix this.

Come on. Think.

What would Erica do?
Think. What would Erica do?

ADULT ADAM: Lucky for me, Erica
was always there when I needed her most.

Erica would say, "Move aside,"
'cause she's gonna take care of it.

Who's saying
that? Is that Erica?

Why are you here? I thought you
got into college and were done helping.

True, but then I figured, eh,

"Probably shouldn't let Barry
get crushed under a golf cart."

Answer me! Is
that Erica talking?

ADULT ADAM: It
was Erica, all right.

(WHISTLES)

And she wasn't alone.

If there was one thing
our sister was good at,

it was knowing how to bail
her little brothers out of trouble.

Answer me. Is it Erica?

And that day, she knew
the answer would be

to bring in the reinforcements.

JTP, do your thing.

- You know it.
- Let's do this!

(JTP GRUNTING)

I knew it! I'm unbreakable! JTP.

- ALL: JTP!
- (CHEERING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
don't celebrate yet.

Andy, Matt, Naked Rob, go to
the lake and pull out the old cart.

- Roger that.
- Copy.

Let's move.

Barry, return Cecil's cart to
school before he gets fired.

- That seems fair!
- Geoff, go to Red Lobster

and book a booth by the window.

Yes, my love!

What about me?

You're good just being
my annoying little brother.

Thanks.

You know, I'm really
gonna miss you next year.

- Me, too.
- Really?

Yeah.

No matter where I end up,

I'll always be your sister.

(NENA'S 99 LUFTBALLONS PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Don't worry! I'll just
jump on the back.

Let me be the
Erica and handle it!

ADULT ADAM: In the
end, my sister realized

the best thing she could do was

cherish the time
she had left with us.

And my mom, she realized she
had to cherish my dad for who he was.

Hey, can we talk?

About what? I'm doing what you
asked me to do. I'm sitting in my chair.

Murray, the last thing I'd ever
want to do is hurt your feelings.

Well, you were right.

Look at me. I'm not the
same man you married.

No.

You're better.

Look at me. I got hobbies.

"Checking the thermostat,
closing the windows,

"making sure the
gas tank is full."

And, of course, being a
dad, being my husband.

Those aren't hobbies.

Well, they're the only
ones that matter to me.

ADULT ADAM: And so my dad
went back to the hobbies he did best,

like checking the thermostat.

Which one of you morons
cranked the heat up to 55?

Making sure the
gas tank was full.

Look at the gas
gauge! Look at it!

Napping in his chair.

(SNORES)

And yelling at us for
sliding around in our socks.

Knock it off, you moron!

That's the thing about family.

It means you're always there
to bail them out of trouble.

Aah!

But it also means
that sometimes...

You guys are
balloon ball amateurs.

You've got to jump
in and join the fun.

And, sure, life will hand
you ups, downs, hits, misses,

and unexpected dives,

but the one thing
that's for sure,

when you're with family, there's
bound to be plenty of surprises.

Murray?

Oh, my God!

Dad on a bike.

What do you know?

Come on, slowpoke.

'Cause in the end, life's
better when you have

your loved ones
around for the ride.

I got it! I got it! Oh...

I'm good. I'm fine.

I'm good. I'm good.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm good. I'm fine.

- I'm good. I'm good.
- We're good.

(SINGING) Remember
that rainy evening?

I sent you out

With nothing but
a fine-tooth comb

Oh, Io-Io-Io-Io

Know I'm to blame

Ain't it a shame?

Bill Bailey, won't
you please come?

Bailey, won't you please come?

Bailey, won't you
please come on home?

(SNORING)