The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Dynamic Duo - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my best friend was my grandfather.

If there was something
awesome to do,

I was gonna tackle it with Pops,

and that week, that
awesome thing would be

the most hyped movie
of our time, Batman.

Pops, I have the biggest news
in your 80-some years of life.

A Batman movie's coming out,
and it's going to be awesome!

Batm'n? I'm in!

Me and your dad loved the old Adam
West TV show. Didn't we, Murray?

(IMITATES ADAM WEST) It
appears to me, Commissioner Gordon,

that the Joker, Riddler, and
the Catwoman have escaped.



What is that? What is he doing?

I think that's Adam
West as Batm'n.

Your inability to identify this
spot-on impression is criminal.

Come on. Let's go see
Adam West on the big screen

before your dad
ruins it forever!

Actually, the new movie
stars Michael Keaton.

- The guy who plays Beetle-Buzz?
- Beetlejuice.

Beetle-Jazz can't be Batm'n.

There is only one Caped
Crusader, and that is me.

- Stop it!
- Why is he doing that weird voice?

'Cause we're going
to see Batman.

I've been waiting to
see that for months!

I'm gonna go grab my coat,
and pound a couple of Jolts.

Wanna make sure I'm really wired
when I yell things back at the screen.



It appears the
Batcave is all mine

to watch the Bat-Television
in my Bat-Underpants.

- Stop it!
- Come on. Let's go.

- To the Batmobile!
- To the Bat-Recliner.

Ah!

Oh, man. This is awesome.

Great movie, great
seats, great snacks.

Doesn't get any
better than this.

Is that seat taken?
Is that seat taken?

(GROANS) Okay.

Oh, no, it's Barry!

Is that seat taken?

We invited Barry and
forgot all about him.

- Technically, he invited himself...
- Is that seat taken?

So, I feel no remorse.

Yo! Can you move your
wheelchair, so I can sit there?

Come on. He's your
brother. We got to say sorry.

- Is that seat taken?
- Do we?

Is that seat taken?

I mean, everything
is so perfect right now.

That seat taken?
That seat's taken, too.

It's just one little
"sorry." He'll understand.

What the hell?

You guys ditched me, now, I'm
walking around like a schmuck,

begging strangers to move over?

We were just so excited
to see the movie. You get it.

I don't get it! Where's my seat?

I think there's a couple
seats in the front row.

So, you expect me to
sit alone in the front row,

craning my neck up at the
giant screen like a putz-bag?

You don't have to
do it like a putz-bag.

No way. It's only fair if we
all sit in the terrible front row.

Pfft. How is that fair?

Two words! Family!

Okay, look, the
movie's about to start.

Just sit up there, and
we'll meet up afterwards.

Fine! But this is the worst thing
that anyone has ever done to me.

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
April 5th, 1980-something.

My sister's senior year was cruising
right along, until this happened.

Question. What is this garbage?

Oh, goodie! You got your
college interview for Penn State!

Thing is, I didn't schedule
it, and I'm not going.

Carnegie Mellon is the
only school I care about.

Well, you always need a backup.

That's why I always
bake two pies,

in case Murray eats
one while sleepwalking.

Mom, if I don't get into CMU,

then I'm just gonna skip college

to busk on the
street like a true artist.

So, what am I
supposed to tell people?

"Oh, there's my daughter,
singing next to a hobo,

"who's going pishy
on another hobo."

Penn State is amazing!

That place made your
father everything he is today.

Bevy. I lost another hot dog.

What? Why does
this keep happening?

I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing
hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand.

I think my point here is proven.

Murray, your daughter thinks

she's too good to go to
her Penn State interview.

Let's get something
straight, little missy.

Graduating from Penn State is the
greatest accomplishment of my life.

Too bad, Dad. I'm
going to Carnegie Mellon.

You are going to Penn State.

It is cheaper, it's more
affordable, and it costs less!

That's the same thing
said three different ways!

Well, if it's good enough for
me, it's good enough for you.

Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize
how important this was to you.

I promise to take my Penn
State interview seriously.

ADULT ADAM: By
"seriously", my sister meant

"intentionally tank" her
Penn State interview.

Yo, dude! Sorry
I'm two hours late.

Uh, well, three. (CHUCKLES)
No worries. Come on in!

Oh! Two points!

Oh! Wow.

There's not even a trash
can there. (CHUCKLES)

Have a seat. (CLEARS THROAT)

I'm Kyle Schnitz, and it
is very nice to meet you.

My favorite part
of being an alum

is getting to interview
all kinds of great students.

Oh, full disclosure.

I'm not so much a great student

- as I am a cheater.
- I'm sorry?

Aw! That's a cute
dog you got there.

Oh. Uh, thank you. Yes,
that's Ruffles. He's a rescue.

No, I'm talking about your wife.

Boom! Upstairs! (CHUCKLES)

Just gonna leave me
hanging like that? Lame.

Let's just forge
onward, shall we?

Um, so, what programs at Penn
State are you most excited to...

Oh, my! What are you doing?

(MUFFLED) Taking on this
meatball sub like a champ.

- Want some, Kenny?
- It's Kyle.

Uh, would you please
not get sauce all over my...

Gah! Damn it! That's
my name placard!

All right. Let me, uh, cut
to the chase here, Kyle.

I am one hell of a singer. I
mean, check out these pipes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SINGING) Kyle
Schnitz smells like farts

Oh, stinky, stinky farts

That was right off
the top of the dome.

And interview over!

ADULT ADAM: The only thing more
uncomfortable than Erica's interview

was Barry's seat at the movie.

Wait till they get a load of me.

What's happening? This
isn't like the TV show at all.

I know! It's so awesome!

ADULT ADAM: He
certainly was to me.

But to Pops, his Batman
was from the old TV show.

This is crazy. You really think
Adam West is the better Batman?

He's the only Batm'n.

And this new, fancy
movie forgot the best part!

Where were the "POWs" and
"BAMs" when Batm'n socks the Joker?

I'm not so sure you need
to see big cartoon words

when Bat punches a dude.

We'll just watch the old show,

and then you'll see
what I'm talking about.

Well, no matter
which Batman is better,

at least we can agree we
had an awesome day together.

(CLATTERING)

What the hell?

- Oh, no.
- Balls.

Balls is right, man!

Who exactly are you
talking to right now?

You!

My neck is just jacked up
from sitting in the front row.

We were bickering about Batm'n
and forgot you were up there.

But this always happens! You
two do everything without me!

Well, I know this looks bad,

but we never leave
you out of the fun!

- (OVEN TIMER DINGS)
- What was that?

- Nothing.
- What's in the oven, dudes?

- Don't look in the oven, Barry.
- You better not be doing

- what I think you're doing.
- Don't look in the oven!

I'm going to the oven!
I'm looking inside!

Oh, my God!

You two made
Batman Shrinky Dinks

without me?

You know I live
for shrinking dinks.

We know that.
Everyone knows that!

There's only two
shrunken dinks, man!

Not three dinks. Just two!

Yeah, 'cause it's one dink
for me and one dink for you.

Don't! Just don't.

You're gonna pay for this.

Oh, Barry, come back.

You can have my dink.

You can have my dink, Barry!

BEVERLY: Murray!

Your daughter has
some huge news!

Erica, tell your father all about...
Okay, I can't stand it anymore!

She said she killed
in her interview. Killed!

Whoo-hoo! That's my peanut!

Yep! I really made an
impression on the Penn State guy.

Like, he's never
gonna forget me.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.
I'm so happy, I could (BLEEP)

That's actually,
uh, good timing,

'cause Carnegie Mellon
just sent you a letter,

and it's kind of thin.

Oh, no! It is thin!

If they said yes, they
wouldn't send the thin one!

Wait. Maybe they,
uh, just sent a pre-letter

to tell me that the thick
one's on the way, and...

Son of a bitch! I got rejected!

Carnegie Mellon
rejected my baby?

(SCOFFS) Well, I'm never
buying another melon!

From this moment on, this
family eats tree fruits only.

No more scoopable
fruits. You hear me?

Good news, though.
You got your backup.

Yes! That is good news,
that I have a backup.

Murray's an alum,
and you will be, too.

Penn State is happening.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, um, I have
to go for, uh...

For a reason I can't
think of right now,

but it's real, so, bye.

- Hey!
- Oh, no! She's back.

It's okay! It's me,
Erica Goldberg.

Uh, yeah. I remember.

I'm going to my car now, and
my secretary knows I'm down here.

Wait. No. Don't
walk away from me.

Or run!

Don't make me
chase you, Schnitz!

Oh, God. My secretary
has no idea where I am.

I slipped out to go
to my pottery class!

Look, I know I messed up my
interview, but I have my reasons!

I only tanked it on
purpose out of spite!

That's even worse
than being crazy.

I'm not crazy, and this proves it!
Look at my teacher recommendations!

- (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
- Just look at them! Damn it!

- You are nuts, lady!
- And I have good SATs! Ow!

I need to get a will.

And I played soccer
in the 10th grade!

- I was also Model UN Treasurer!
- (TIRES SQUEAL)

I think that helped.

ADULT ADAM: With that, Erica
officially lost her backup school.

Meanwhile, Pops was
giving me an education

on the old version of Batman.

See that? It's a camera trick.

- They shoot it sideways.
- Yeah, I got it.

Now, this is Batm'n!

Little did I know, my scorned
brother was lurking in the shadows

and planning a dastardly
revenge plot to ensure

that me and my grandfather
would never forget him again.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(EVIL LAUGH)

What?

ADULT ADAM: Like the Joker
himself, Barry set a treacherous trap

that would destroy the
dynamic duo forever.

Adam! Come quick!
It's an emergency!

Oh, thanks for dropping by.

You said it was an emergency.

A hang-with-my-bro
emergency. Here, have a seat.

No! This chair.

And, action...

Is my favorite movie genre.

Which reminds me, I saw you
watching that old Batman TV show.

Pops was right. Adam
West is better than Keaton.

Pops doesn't know the
first thing about Batman.

He doesn't even say it
right. He says "Batm'n."

But you told Pops
you love his show.

It kind of sounds like
you lied to his face.

I had to. It's
just... It's so corny!

Say it louder.

I mean, it made no sense at all.

They had a Bat-Calendar.

- Move more into the light.
- And Bat-Shark-Repellent?

Why would a superhero even
have that on his utility belt? Why?

So, you don't just
reject Pops' Batman.

You reject Pops as
a human old person?

Nah, I'm just humoring him.

All that old-timey stuff
he likes, it's just not for me.

And, cut.

- Why would you say that?
- No reason.

I always like our talks.

Go away now. Come on. Come on.

ADULT ADAM: And with that, my
brother had everything he needed

to become a villain that could
even rival Jack Nicholson's Joker.

Wait till they get a load of me.

- What'd you say?
- Nothing! Go away now.

Wait till they get a load of...
Nope. Moment's passed. Damn it.

ADULT ADAM: It had been a day
since my sister's Penn State disaster,

and our parents still
didn't know until now.

Hey, folks, no need for alarm,

except for the incredibly
alarming phone call I just got.

It seems that Erica tanked
her interview with Penn State,

and then attacked the
man in a parking garage.

- What?
- What have you done, child?

It's not my fault!

Dad said I had to
go to Penn State,

and I wanted CMU,
and now I have nothing,

and, dear Lord,
this is a disaster!

Look, you folks can relax because
Ol' Glascott has the solution.

- Good.
- Thank God.

I have failed as a mother.

Are any of you familiar with the
International Correspondence School?

Do you want to make more
money? Sure, we all do.

You may have seen their
catchy TV commercials

starring America's
sweetheart, Sally Struthers.

- Don't.
- Ooh, look!

In just two short years, you can
get a degree in TV/VCR repair.

But I don't want to fix TVs!

Well, luckily, you have
a bunch of other options.

Gun repair, child day care,
learning the personal computer.

We're seeing the same thing you
are! You don't have to read it out loud!

Interior decorating? Cooking?
Art? Air conditioner maintenance?

I mean, what does
this school not have?

- A campus.
- This is a nightmare!

Okay, let's all just take a breath.
We've got one card left to play.

Murray, you're an alum.

You'll go down there and
straighten this whole mess out.

Yeah, I don't think
that's a good idea.

- What? Why not?
- She made her bed,

and now, she's
gonna have to lie in it!

- Kid's got to learn.
- Yeah. In college.

Okay, I am not getting involved.

- End of story! Do not pry!
- Shh!

Well, I am getting
you into Penn State.

No child of mine will deal with
the consequences of her actions!

Excuse me. 1-800...

ADULT ADAM: As Erica's
college career went up in flames,

my plan to shoot a
Batman movie with Pops

was about to be shut down.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Adamander
Goldberg in the flesh.

- "Adamander"?
- We need to talk, my friend.

You think "Adam" is
short for "Adamander"?

It's time to pay The Piper.

- Do you think it's like Alexander?
- Forget the name!

You got other
things to worry about.

ADULT ADAM: Did I ever.

At that very moment,
Pops would stumble upon

a secret recording of me
bashing him and all he held dear.

(ON RECORDING) Nah,
I'm just humoring him.

All that old-timey stuff
he likes, it's just not for me.

Oh, no. I said awful things about
his terrible version of Batman.

Yes, you did.

For once, Pops is gonna
be in my stupid home movie.

Rad: The Barry Goldberg Story.

No! You can't put that wonderful
elderly man in a BMX movie!

I don't think you'll
be stopping me.

No! You can't do this!

Okay. This isn't a problem.
I'll just grab my toolbox and...

Damn it! I don't
have real-world skills.

Or a utility belt
with actual utilities!

Well, well, looks like you
wanted to get into Penn State

a little bit more than you
thought, hmm, Miss Goldberg?

She does, and we
are so, so grateful

that you agreed to
meet with us today,

and Erica is very
sorry for her behavior.

I really am. I mean,
stalking you in the garage

and singing a hurtful song
about you smelling like poots

and comparing your wife's
appearance to that of a canine...

It's all very...

Not good.

I might also add, she ate
a sandwich on my desk.

Which reminds me, you
know, I never had my lunch.

Would you mind if I rudely
devoured this and wasted your time?

Okay, I deserve that.

Mmm. That is very messy. All
right, well, I've made my point, okay?

Well, it might interest you to know
that my husband, Murray Goldberg,

is an active alum
of this school.

An active alum?

- Active.
- Damn it. Fine.

Well, I'm sure we can, uh, work
something out. (CHUCKLES)

Just take a look.

Huh. It appears that Mr. Goldberg is
not, in fact, a graduate of Penn State.

- What? How dare you!
- See for yourself.

He's one credit
shy of graduation.

I say I'd earned a
celebratory bite, hmm?

(CHUCKLES, GROANS)

No, Schnitz! I messed
myself. I messed myself.

College dropout? I'm
married to a college dropout?

You're a college dropout!

I dropped out to
marry you, dropout!

So, this is why
you wouldn't help,

because you've been
lying for three decades?

I feel bad, and I say that
from the bottom of my heart,

and also to end
this conversation!

This is nuts.

You both lectured me my entire
life on how important college is,

and now, I find out that
neither of you even graduated?

I was one credit short!

You know, if I eat 99% of a
sandwich, I still ate a sandwich!

This isn't a sandwich!
It's my future!

Look, it doesn't
matter what I did.

I'm still your father, and you're
not skipping out on college.

I am done taking life
advice from a hypocrite.

Since none of these
colleges will take me,

I am just gonna
focus on my music

and busk on the
streets like a true artist!

Why didn't you back me up
on the sandwich metaphor?

Well, I hope you're happy.
Your daughter's a busker.

- We've lost her to the streets.
- Busking?

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
walked out on her college future,

Pops had stumbled right
into Barry's super-villain trap,

- and it was fool proof.
- (SIGHS)

Adam said some pretty nasty
words about everything you love.

Can't imagine what you
must be thinking right now.

I think you secretly taped Adam

in a weird attempt to
turn us against each other.

How dare you, sir!

You told Adam to
stand in better light.

You really need to learn
how to grift someone, kiddo.

If anything, you should
be angry at Adam!

He's the one who bad-mouthed
you while I happened to be filming!

Yeah, where's Adam?

ADULT ADAM: I was
trapped with no way out.

Think, Adamander! Think!

And then I saw it.

My sheets served
as my own Bat-Signal.

Forget the Batman
movie and TV show.

I'd be the greatest Dark
Knight Gotham had ever seen!

I told you! Adam's long gone!

- Whoa!
- (THUDS)

ADAM: That looks
so much easier on TV!

- Adam, are you okay?
- No!

This crazy man
locked me in my room,

so he could make a
dirt-biking movie with you!

Barry, why would you do this?
The kid could have gotten real hurt.

- I just had enough.
- Enough of what?

Of you two leaving me out!

All my life, you guys have
been the dynamic duo.

Having fun, making
awesome movies...

Did it ever occur to you, just
once, maybe I'd like to be included?

Barry, you're my grandson,
too. You know I love you.

It doesn't feel like that, Pops.

ADULT ADAM: With her
college dreams dashed,

Erica would busk her
way to fame and fortune.

Naturally, she'd rely on
the greatest song of the '80s.

(SINGING) Gonna take a
lot to take me away from you

There's nothing that a
hundred men or more...

(GASPS)

Gah! Gross!

(CONTINUES SINGING)
I bless the rains down in...

(GASPS) Damn it!

Gonna take more than that
to make me leave this place

Gah! Come on!

I hate the rains
down in Jenkintown

ADULT ADAM: While
Erica's dreams broke down,

me and Pops were ready
to build Barry back up.

Hi.

Hey.

So, me and Pops are
starting our Batman movie,

but we couldn't decide
which Batman was better,

- so, we're gonna have both.
- Sounds fun.

Actually, we thought you
could have some fun with us.

- Really?
- I mean, we got the superheroes,

but no one for us to fight.

I don't know. I didn't
really like being the Joker.

- I think this time you will.
- Follow us.

No way!

A BMX Batman movie?

Look, we never
meant to leave you out,

and now, that you're here, I
say we turn the dynamic duo

into the fearsome threesome!

(SINGING) It's really getting
soaked down in Jenkintown

There's nothing that a hundred
men or more could ever do

- How's it going?
- It's going great.

Listen, I realized you
were right about me,

screaming at you all these
years about finishing college,

and I didn't even
see it through.

So, you're not gonna make me
go home and apply to new schools?

I'd like to, but I can't, not after
lying to you all these years.

So, that's it? Tell me I'm a moron!
Tell me not to give up on myself!

Tell me to apply to new schools
and make something of my stupid life!

Sounds like I don't
have to say anything

because you already know it.

I guess you're right.

I also know that if I'm gonna start
college, then you're gonna finish it.

Hey, I do high-level
accounting every day.

It's one credit. Come on.

Okay, fine.

If you're willing to
see it through, so can I.

ADULT ADAM: That day, my
dad was the hero who saved Erica,

and she ended up
saving him right back.

And that night, I
finally got the chance

to be the Dark Knight, with
my superfamily by my side.

The Joker's on the
loose. To the Batmobile.

To the better Batmobile.

Because, in the end,
the greatest superheroes

don't have powers or wear capes.

They're the people
who stick with us

through the greatest
adventure of all...

Growing up.

Truth is, it's not how many
gadgets we have in our utility belt

that get us through life.

What really saves the
day are the loved ones

who stand by our
side and help us fight

to make our dreams come true.

I am super!

- POPS: Batm'n.
- "Batman".

- That's what I said. "Batm'n."
- No, you're saying "Batm'n."

- Listen. "I'm Batman!"
- "I'm Batm'n."

- "I'm Batman!"
- "I'm Batm'n."

- "I'm Batman!"
- "I'm Batm'n."

What on earth are you two doing?

No need to be alarmed, citizen.
We are crime-fighting professionals.

Get off the side of the
house, or I'll kill both Batmans.

See, that's how you say it.

I'm walking off this picture.