The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Day After the Day After - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: When I was a kid,
my mom would use every opportunity

to squeeze, smooch, and
snuggle her schmoopies.

There was only one time she
expected us to do it in return.

Mother's Day.

Naturally, we'd use the opportunity
to mess with her for a cheap laugh.

Oh, look at my special calendar
hanging in a high-traffic area.

- How'd that get there?
- That's odd. Didn't notice.

You wanna take a peek,

see if there's any special day in
May that you need to remember?

Nah, I got Cinco
de Mayo on lock.

I think she's talking
about French Labor Day.



No, it's Star Wars Day!

"May the 4th be
with you", right?

- How could I forget!
- That's right!

- I gotta go shopping.
- I love Star Wars.

- So do I!
- No, no.

- BARRY: How did I forget?
- Can I give you a hint?

ADULT ADAM: Yep,
nothing brought us kids closer

than using Mother's Day
to torture Beverly Goldberg.

(GASPS) What? You're
home from school already?

What a surprise.

I was just going through these
beautiful handwritten cards

you gave me almost
a year ago exactly.

Maybe you should come and
take a closer look at these cards,

get a sense of what they're
about and how they make me feel?



Enough jibber-jabber.

I need a pre-dinner meal.

Maybe something
that'll lay a nice base,

like pancakes.

Screw it. I give up.

Murray, you are taking me to
that Latin place on Saturday night,

and we are gonna cha-cha
'cause these kids are ungrateful.

No, I am not going to cha-cha.

Oh, you will cha-cha,
and I will be dipped.

And you won't drop me this time.

All right, you've had
enough fun, you morons.

Go tell your mom that
you know it's Mother's Day.

Aw, but we look forward
to torturing her all year long.

It's one of our better
family traditions.

- Do it!
- (SIGHS) Hey, Mom?

We just realized that
Mother's Day is this weekend.

What? I had no idea.

Oh, I can't believe
you remembered.

Oh, I just love my
children so much.

Here comes a tearful hug.

Sacrifice the nerd and run!

(LAUGHING) Oh, my favorite!

Tell my story!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
May 3rd, 1980-something,

and my brother and his
pals were about to watch

the most famous TV
movie of the decade.

Dad, I demand you
give me the remote

and go make us nachos as
we watch your TV without you.

- No.
- Did you really think

- that would work?
- Yes!

Now we're gonna
miss the whole movie.

I got a Sony Watchman.
All we need is nine batteries.

All we need is nine batteries.

What are you dummies
going on about?

Tonight, they're airing a
gnarly made-for-TV movie called

The Day After, where America's
in a nuclear war with Russia.

- Ka-boom!
- America!

Jason Robards, y'all!

All of the teachers at school
warned us not to see it,

so we have to watch it to send
a clear message of "Suck it."

If I say yes, will you shut up?

This is gonna rock!

ADULT ADAM: But it
did not rock. Not at all.

This does not rock. Not at all!

ADULT ADAM: Turns
out, The Day After

was a terrifying and
all-too-real depiction

of a small town just like
ours facing the fallout

after the President waged
a horrible nuclear war.

- Too real.
- War is bad.

- So scared.
- I'll never be okay.

I like that Steve Guttenberg.

He's got a lot of range.

Dad, don't you care
about what you just saw?

There could be a mushroom cloud
outside our window at any moment!

I say, "Bring on the cloud",
'cause then maybe you'll shut up

and I can get back
to watching my shows.

ADULT ADAM: That night, the
entire country watched that movie,

and legit panic ensued.

Okay, students, even
though we warned you all

not to watch that
terrifying TV movie,

apparently everyone
in this school did,

as well as 100
million other people.

Therefore, we are going to have

an emergency meeting entitled
"The Day After The Day After."

Of course, the gym is booked,

so it'll be "The Day After
The Day After The Day After."

So, Wednesday.

Oh, my God. How are you?

I had nightmares all night.

I didn't watch the movie.

I spent the night organizing my

Garbage Pail Kids
into a protective binder.

Don't want you to feel like
things are going too fast,

but this is our nest egg.

Well, after watching that movie,

I realized we don't
have any time to waste.

We should have our first kiss,

right here, right now.

We talking cheek or lips?

Uh...

Thank you.

I'm a big fan, big fan of you.

Listen, my parents
are renting a house

at the shore this weekend.

Come with me.

We'll spend each
moment like it's our last.

What is the deal
with this movie?

My mom said I
could bring someone,

- so I choose you.
- Well, okay, then!

The Day After is the best
movie ever! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God, she just
invited you down the shore!

I know, Dave Kim.

- But your mom will never say yes.
- I know, Dave Kim!

- You gotta think of something.
- I know, Dave Kim.

ADULT ADAM: Lucky for
me, the timing was perfect.

It was Mother's Day.

I'd strike hard and fast
with a schmaltzy gift

featuring the vocal
power of Bette Midler.

It would make my mom
say yes to anything.

(BETTE MIDLER'S WIND
BENEATH MY WINGS PLAYS)

- (MOUTHING)
- I can fly higher than an eagle

'Cause you are the
wind beneath my wings

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately,
my sister had the exact same plan.

This is pandering
garbage. You can't do this.

Why not?

Because I'm working on
my own pandering garbage

so that Mom will let me go
to college 5,000 miles away.

Emory is in Georgia.

That's why I need to
ask her on Mother's Day,

when she's all buttered
up and distracted.

But we can't both
lower Mom's defenses

with an insincere,
theatrical show of our love.

Well, you're just gonna
have to back down.

Your dumb thing is way
less important than college.

But when will I have the chance

to rub cocoa butter on
my lady's shoulders again?

Honestly, I can't
imagine you ever will.

But still, this is
my whole future.

Okay, fine. I'll back down.

But only 'cause you're my sister

and I love you, so I'll
let you have this one.

And you lose, sucker!

- Adam, stop!
- You stop!

Stop!

Okay, everyone,

welcome to The Day
After emergency assembly.

First of all, I just
want to assure you

that everything
is gonna be okay.

It will not be okay!

- There's nowhere to hide in a nuclear winter!
- Whoa. (CHUCKLES)

What Coach means is that
there could be a nuclear winter,

- but it definitely won't happen.
- Till it does.

Does not, because
it was just a movie.

That will, for sure, come true.

Look, I know a lot
of you are scared

that the President is
gonna snap, push a button,

and incinerate us all, but I
assure you, it will not happen.

But when it does,
I'll be safe and snug

in my fallout shelter

while the rest of you mutants
scrounge for cockroaches.

What, you got no
argument for that one?

No, you're right.

That movie has
shaken me to my core.

I have so many regrets.

You got about a
week to fix 'em, Andre.

Well, let's start with
that one right there.

My name is not Andre.

I only said it was in college

to make myself seem
more interesting to the ladies.

- Let it out!
- My name is Jonathan!

And I love you,
Lunch Lady Bernice!

Are you out there?

You're probably
mashing potatoes.

Oh, boy.

Okay, this day is a wash.

Everybody go home
and hug your loved ones.

(CHEERING)

I know I should be
happy to have the day off,

but I'm, like,
genuinely terrified.

Me too. I feel so helpless.

I never even got
to party in Daytona.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry was
desperate to survive nuclear war,

I was using Mother's Day as
a weapon to get what I wanted.

Oh! (SOBBING)

Did you like my movie, Mama?

I loved it so much, I
wanna crush your little face!

Apropos of nothing,

can I ask you a totally
random question?

Anything, sweetie.

Well, I have a
really big favor to...

ERICA: (LAUGHING) Mom!

I got into Emory, and
I wanna go to Emory,

so I need a check for
Emory so I can go to Emory.

And Happy Mother's Day. I
love you, snuggle, snuggle!

Aah! Oh, yes!

My baby's going to college!

What? No! No, no, no.

Adam, be happy for your sister.

- This is a huge day.
- No, no, no!

Don't make it about me.
It's your day, Mommy.

No! No, no, no!

Emory may be 1,000 miles away,

but with the love of my
children and 20 flights a year,

we will manage.

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna get
my pilot's license.

- Boop!
- (LAUGHS)

Um, Mama, know
what else is exciting?

Jackie invited me down
the shore next weekend.

Oh, no, no.

Your sister is going
away to college.

That's enough excitement
for one Mother's Day.

But I made up a
whole tap routine

celebrating my love for
you on this special day.

You love your little baby
boopie tapping his piggy wiggies.

(SINGING) Adappa-dappa-doo

Adappa dappa da dappa

- (LAUGHS) Thank you, Mama.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.

Happy Mother's Day.

You will pay dearly for this.

Emory. Emory. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: While everyone was
afraid our president would lead us to war,

my big bro would lead
his loved ones to safety.

- Fellow members of the JTP...
- ALL: JTP!

- And the love of my life, Lainey.
- ALL: Lainey!

- Don't do that.
- ALL: Sorry!

I know you're all worried
about a nuclear apocalypse

after seeing that
scary movie on TV,

but I want you to know
everything will be okay.

I call it Barry's Bunker.

Sadly, there's limited
room in the bunker,

so some of you will
be left outside to melt

or be eaten by
post-apocalyptic zombies.

So, who goes and who stays?

Obviously, you're in,
'cause you're my foxy lady,

but the rest of you
must prove your worth.

Geoff Schwartz, what
skills do you have?

I know which berries are poisonous,
'cause I once ate some bad ones.

Super useful. Next, Naked Rob.

What skills do you have?
And don't say "being naked".

Come back to me.

Andy, clearly you're in,
'cause you have tiny little fingers

that are perfect
for shelling nuts.

Plus, you can sleep in a drawer.

Very insulted, but it's
more important to live.

Matt Bradley, looks like
you're in serious trouble here.

I was an Eagle
Scout and a lifeguard,

and I learned how to frame a house
when I did Habitat for Humanity.

Fine, I guess you
could cook or something.

Well! I'm glad you're all here,

'cause I have something
very important to tell you.

- Get out!
- Don't worry, guys.

We won't have to
deal with this joker

when we're in our
titanium-reinforced bunker.

You do know I raised
myself since I was six,

so if there's an
end-of-the-world situation,

you'd want me there real bad.

Yelling at a sandwich for
having too much mustard on it

is not a skill.

Well, I can repair a radio, rebuild
an engine, swing a hammer,

catch a fish, start a
fire with small sticks.

What can you do?

I can basically do
anything. I can break-dance,

kick a light switch on and off,

use a hockey stick
as an old-timey cane.

Sweetie, those aren't
really survival skills

as much as they are adorable
things I love about you.

Whatever. I'm your
leader. That's my skill.

It kind of seems like
your dad's our leader,

'cause he's the oldest and wisest
and actually knows how to survive.

It's settled. Your
dad will keep us safe

when the mutant zombies attack.

- Okay.
- Fine!

I don't need you
or food or water.

I can sustain my life on
my own awesomeness.

ADULT ADAM: As
Barry stormed off in a fury,

I'd strike back at Erica
for stealing my thunder.

Armed with my high-tech
VHS editing gear,

I'd manipulate my mom

with an even-more-epic
Mother's Day video.

Whatcha up to, schmoopa-lumpa?

Oh, I'm just finishing up a
little goodbye video for Erica.

Aw. It's a little
early for goodbyes,

- wouldn't you say?
- Well, before you know it,

she'll be going to college and
only coming home on holidays.

- I guess that's true.
- And then, junior year,

she'll fall for a
handsome Southern fella

and get married,

and then she'll see his
family for the holidays.

But then I won't see her at all.

Well, she'll come
home occasionally.

Until she has kids

and then travel gets
too hard with the twins.

Well, the twins are as
much mine as they are hers.

- She's gotta visit.
- She has no time.

The twins are in school,

and Erica got a job
working the front office there

and it's way too consuming.

Anyhow, let's watch that movie.

(BETTE MIDLER'S WIND
BENEATH MY WINGS PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: Lucky
for me, I was able to use

the cheesiest effects
the 80's had to offer.

- Stop it! I'm trying to eat my Count Chocula!
- (TWINKLE)

And I showed my mom
a world without Erica.

- What did I tell you? Stop filming me...
- (TWINKLE)

You're everything
I would like to be

- I'm taking a Spanish quiz! I will kill you!
- (TWINKLE)

I can fly higher than an eagle

Okay, I don't know what
this is, but you better stop...

I can't wait to leave this
house and never come back!

- Get out!
- (TWINKLE)

For you are the wind
beneath my wings

(SOBS)

Oh, my God! What have I done?

(SNIFFLES) I told my baby girl

she could move
away from the family,

and now I'll never
see her or the twins

because of that damn
desk job at the school.

Are you just giving up?

That's not the Beverly
Goldberg I know.

Oh, my God, you're so right.

I gotta get back that
envelope she put in the mail!

Also, can I go to the beach
with Jackie this weekend?

Yes, fine, do whatever! I
gotta get my baby back!

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

Poo! Who designed these things?

They're impossible to get into.

Uh, ma'am? Can I help you?

Yes. I accidentally
dropped something in here,

and I desperately
need to get it back.

Oh, yeah. Was it your keys?

You'd be surprised
how many people...

Actually, it's that letter right
there from Erica Goldberg.

She's my little baby
girl. (CHUCKLES)

Do you have any ID?
We can't just give out mail.

It's a federal offense and all.

Obviously, I knew that, which
is why I'm just gonna... Bloop!

Hey! I know where you live!

I don't give a (BLEEP).

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
was running away from a felony,

Barry ran to the
smartest man he knew.

Pops! We need to talk.

As you can see, I've been
hard at work on the chalkboard.

Okay, why are people

always dragging chalkboards
around this house?

Doesn't matter!

There has been a great betrayal,
and I find myself bunker-less.

Just get to the chalkboard.

I've created a list of
my greatest assets.

Do you think they'll
help me survive

when this world turns into a
radiated, barren wasteland?

Is this about that
terrifying Day After movie?

Woof, that gave me the willies.

No! You're supposed to be my
wise and reassuring grandfather

that tells me everything's
gonna be okay.

I'd like to, Bar,
but look at this list.

You don't have a single
useful skill, and I'm old!

We'll be the first to go
when the end comes.

- That's not comforting.
- Tell me about it.

What are we gonna do?

I got kicked out of
Dad's pretend bunker,

- which I pretended first.
- That's it.

We'll build our own
bunker in the basement.

Dad will never allow that.

Then, you just
gotta convince him.

- To the chalkboard!
- To the chalkboard!

- Oh, it's here.
- There it is.

Emory is gonna be so awesome.

Check out the brochure.

They have an
incredible music program,

and a brand-new recording
studio that's open to undergrads.

Or, funner idea,
you stick around here

and attend the local junior
college/welding academy. Oh!

Aw, that's sweet.
You're gonna miss me.

But too bad the check's in the
mail and that ship has sailed.

Here's the thing
about that ship.

What is my college deposit
doing back in this house?

It's a funny story, really.

There is zero chance

that this story will amuse
and delight me. Zero!

Well, (CHUCKLES)
it was in the mail,

but I thought (CLICKS TONGUE)
"I don't want it in the mail."

So, I took it out of the mail.

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

A certain unnamed
schmoopie showed me a video

and made me realize
that going to Georgia

is a bad decision for us.

- Me.
- But wait.

I wrote a Mother's Day song
that celebrates my love for you.

- Just, please, listen. Um...
- (PIANO PLAYS)

(SINGING) For she's
a jolly good mother

For she's a jolly good mother

For she's a jolly good mother

Please let me go
to college far away

No.

- That no mother can...
- Denied.

- (STRIKES COUNTER)
- Damn it!

Bust out that zinc,
'cause your man

is going to the shore
with you next weekend.

That's amazing!

You ruined my life!

Erica, how are
things, dear sister?

- What's going on?
- Well, your little beach bud made it

so that I can't go to the
college of my dreams

just so he can suck
face with you in the sand.

Her words! But I
wouldn't be opposed to it.

I hope it was worth it,
because you just lost a sister.

- My Teddy Grahams!
- Uh, what was that?

They're little graham-cracker
cookies shaped like teddy bears.

No, I know what Teddy
Grahams are, Adam.

I meant with your sister.

I kind of made a video
that ruined college for her

so we could hit the beach.

Anyway, does it
get cold at night?

- Should I bring a jacket?
- Um, that's horrible.

Yeah, it doesn't sound that
great when I hear it out loud.

Maybe a windbreaker,
'cause the ocean breeze.

I actually think it's best that I
do my own thing for a while.

ADULT ADAM: After
his talk with Pops,

Barry was determined to brilliantly
trick my dad into building a bunker.

- Hey! What the hell?
- Sorry, had a hard day.

Thought I'd catch up
on some world events

by listening to the radio.

(BARRY MIMICS BEEPING)

BARRY: This is not a test of
the Emergency Broadcast System.

Oh, no, this is real
and completely serious,

'cause the newscaster said so!

We have confirmation
from President Reagan

that Russia has launched a
bunch of nukes at Jenkintown,

just like in that
movie we all saw.

It's happening right now as
we speak, live, here in the '80s.

I know, Dad. This is
a very scary moment.

It's so real, I don't
know what to do.

Ha! I only made that
incredibly authentic newscast

to scare you into
seeing the truth.

I told you you're not building a
dopey bunker in the basement.

Thank you for
keeping an open mind.

I will also need money
for the following items.

"700 pounds of poured concrete,

"lifetime supply of potatoes,

"seven bottles of
ketchup for the potatoes..."

There's one in the fridge.
Just take that and go.

There's more. We
need, "A chicken,

"a cage for the chicken,
medicine for the chicken,

"a chicken exercise-wheel,

"a lady chicken to keep
the other chicken company."

Please stop asking me to
build a life for this chicken!

- Did he say yes to the bunker?
- I said no!

Did you tell him
about the chicken?

I don't wanna hear
about the chicken!

The chicken's the whole thing!

He doesn't care
about the chicken!

Murray, just buy
the boy a chicken.

No chicken! It's
just a movie, Barry.

Look me in the eye
and tell me for sure,

for absolute sure, that
this will never happen.

That's what I thought.

ADULT ADAM: With that, my dad
realized how truly terrified Barry felt.

Meanwhile, I figured it was
time to make things right.

Come on, Mom, right this way.

(CHUCKLING)

Wait, there's no
cuddle fort down here.

Yeah, I lied. Erica, he's here!

So, where's this cute mailman?

- Hey!
- I lied about that, too.

We all need to
sit down and talk.

If this is another
adorable video to con me,

it's not gonna work.

Actually, this one's
for both of you.

(BETTE MIDLER'S WIND
BENEATH MY WINGS PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, that
third and final Mother's Day gift

would end up being
the most important gift

I'd ever give in my whole life.

BEVERLY: Whoo! Good job!

Wow!

Look at me, I was so young.

Not anymore.

ADULT ADAM: My
video reminded them both

that even though the years
fly and we never stop growing,

- there are some things...
- Number one fan, Erica Goldberg.

That will never, ever change.

You grew up so fast.

Yeah, but I'll always
be your little girl.

I know, and I'll
always be your mama,

no matter where you are,

even if it's Georgia.

Georgia?

- You mean...
- It's like I say...

With the love of my
children and 50 flights a year,

we'll manage.

- You said 20 flights.
- We'll figure it out.

ADULT ADAM: In the end, my
mom got her perfect Mother's Day.

Not because she held us close,
but because she learned to let go.

As for my dad, he finally realized
just what Barry needed to hear.

Listen, I was thinking
about what you said.

And the truth is,
I'm scared, too.

- You are?
- I'm terrified!

All I wanna do is
protect my family,

and the thought that I
might not be able to do it,

that keeps me up at night.

- So, what do we do?
- Nothing.

You just gotta live the life you got
and keep the ones you love close.

Did you ever know
that you're my hero?

I'm still scared, Dad.

I know.

ADULT ADAM: The world can
be a scary, unpredictable place.

But if we can be
there for each other,

that's when life
can truly surprise us.

President Reagan has
been left "greatly depressed"

after watching The Day After

and has decided to change
his policy on nuclear proliferation.

ADULT ADAM: As
crazy as it seems,

a single TV movie would
end up saving the planet.

And a little video I
made in my room...

- Mama!
- (LAUGHS)

would forever
change my sister's life.

And in return, she
ended up saving mine.

Hey.

I talked to your sister, and she said
that you aren't a total piece of crap

and that you
actually saved her life.

That's actually
pretty high praise

coming from her, but it
doesn't change the fact

I was a total...

Oh, wow.

Uh, thanks.

My compliments to the chef.

Next time, maybe
just don't say anything.

Got it.

ADULT ADAM: In
the end, I never got

my beach adventure
with my girlfriend.

But it didn't matter,
'cause I helped my sister

begin the adventure
of a lifetime.

Thank you, Mommy.

Sure, none of us knew
what the future would hold,

but that's what makes
the journey so exciting.

Oh, and I

- (MOUTHING)
- I can fly higher than an eagle

You are the wind
beneath my wings

Thought you might enjoy some
great tunes as you prepare our dinner.

BARRY: Beep. We interrupt dinner
for the Emergency Broadcast System.

Oh, no! This sounds
serious and real!

We have confirmation
from the White House

that radioactive zombies
have attacked Jenkintown.

The military guys say the
only way to outrun them

is with a pair of brand-new,
expensive Air Jordan sneakers.

I don't own those!
I'll be the first to go!

- What should we do?
- If the world's gonna end,

I'm gonna snuggle my
baby till the zombies arrive.

Stop! I'll just wear my Reeboks.