The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - Baré - full transcript

When Erica is getting the bulk of her college acceptance letters, Barry is determined to become a doctor and starts to check out schools with the best medical programs. When Lainey announces she got into a fashion program that doesn't have a medical school, Barry decides to modify his dream so he can be with Lainey. But Beverly sabotages his new plan, and Barry and Lainey question their future together. Meanwhile, Murray realizes his love for the dog is greater than his kids since Lucky won't ever leave for college.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the
'80s, there was one TV doctor

that stood out
more than the rest...

Doogie Howser, MD.

He was a genius
teenage physician

who operated on, and
won, America's hearts.

And there was no bigger
Doogie-head than my brother,

who realized his calling in
life was to be a doctor, too.

- Can we turn this off and make out now?
- Shh!

Doogie's changing how old,
stuffy doctors look at medicine.

ADULT ADAM: Which is
exactly what Barry wanted to do,

so he gave it a shot.

- Doctoring!
- Oh, no! Why?

Just checking your reflexes.

Patient lacks muscle response
and also seems highly agitated.

Damn right I'm agitated!

You just hit my
knee with a hammer!



Oh, God! What's happening?

Patient's throat seems
red and inflamed,

especially that
dangly part in the back.

Stay away from me!

Damn it! Come back and get
the remote I just threw at you!

Aah! I just want
to sleep, moron!

Patient appears to be emotionally
unstable and also gassy.

What the hell's on your face?

Looks fancy and expensive.
Who's buying you this crap?

There's my little
Schmoopie Howser!

Look what I got you at the
medical-supply store today.

Nice! Good to know at least someone
around here supports my dream.

Shame on you, Murray, for not
believing in your future-doctor son.

I just want to get some sleep!

Stop encouraging the moron!

No! That's my doctor recorder
I talk into for some reason!

- I just want to get the damn tape!
- Murray! That was expensive!

I just want to get the
tape! Stop it! Get away!

Okay, I've decided
I'm either gonna be

a doctor for the Phillies

or the president's
personal brain surgeon.

Hey, guys. I heard
the amazing news.

That my idea for Barry
Goldberg appreciation day

has been approved
by the school board?

I told you they said no.

I'm referring to how
Lainey got accepted

into the Savannah
College of Art and Design.

I think Mr. Glascott
might be mistaken.

No, it's right here
on official stationery.

How is this the first
I'm hearing about this?

Well, I must have gotten
in this very second. Yay!

No, this letter says you
got in over a month ago.

That's impossible! Lainey would
never hide something so big from me.

Yes, that would be
a terrible betrayal

that would rock the very foundation
of everything that you hold dear.

- Read the room, dude.
- Roger that.

How could this
happen? We had a plan.

You graduate
and take a year off,

and then I graduate, and you follow
me to the college of my choosing.

I never officially
agreed to that.

Okay, fine. But you can't
go to that school without me

and surround yourself
with all those fashion boys.

- Fashion boys?
- Yeah, they're all stylish and tan

and love dancing the
night away with each other.

I really don't think you have
to worry about fashion boys.

This changes
everything between us.

I guess it was my dream and
I just wanted to give it a shot.

Well, I don't want you
to give up your dream.

- Oh, baby.
- Idea!

I'll just go to the
medical school

at the Savannah
College of Art and Design!

I checked... They don't
have a pre-med program.

Ugh! That school makes no sense!

Look, nothing's written in
stone. I may not even go there.

But you got a full scholarship!

You'd be a fool not to attend!

- Not now!
- Roger that.

- I love you. We'll talk about this later.

Sure. We'll figure it out.

Man, nothing... And I mean
nothing survives long distance.

- How is this helping?
- I get that a lot. Toodles!

(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

March 15th, 1980-something,

and my dad was
coming home from work

excited to see
his favorite child...

- I'm home!
- Our dog, Lucky.

There she is! I love you.

I love you, I love you.

And as the favorite
Goldberg child,

Lucky got a lot of privileges
the rest of us didn't,

like free snacks.

Soft pretzels... Nice.

Hey! I'm sorry. Are
you an adorable pooch?

(LAUGHING) I don't
think you are. Hands off.

She also got showered with love
and kisses and whatever this is.

Come on! This is the way I talk!

I'm Lucky, the Goldberg mascot!

My dad taught her
tricks, bought her outfits...

Even a fancy dog bed.

The rest of us... Not so much.

Okay, very important question...

On one hand,
Florida has beaches,

but on the other hand,
Georgia has peaches.

So it's beaches versus
peaches. See my predicament?

What is this? Why
are you talking to me?

For school. I'm trying to decide
between Emory and Miami.

They both have
awesome music programs.

Oh! I can actually help
you with this. Neither.

You're telling me you'll pony
up for a designer dog bed

but not your own
daughter's future?

- Yes.
- Oh, my god!


Doesn't she look like a
handsome lady from the 1850s?

ERICA: Guess what, nerd.

The dog is definitely
Dad's favorite.

Oh, you saw Lucky's
new waterbed, huh?

It's a waterbed? I
don't even have one!

It's like he loves the dog
more than his own kids.

I've tried to point it out to
him like a hundred times,

but he won't admit it.

Well, it's time I get him to.

sister cooked up a plan,

Barry was searching for answers.

Pops, you've lived an
impossibly long time.

Tell me an old-timey
story that reassures me

a long-distance
relationship can work.

Well, I once dated a Tunisian
woman named Marwa.

We would swim in the warm waters

of the Mediterranean
during the day

and become one
on the beach at night.

- So it can work.
- It did...

Until her father chased me around
an open-air bazaar with a scimitar.

Why did I go down this incredibly
long road with you for nothing?

I'll be honest
with you, kiddo...

When I started that story, I
didn't remember how it ended.

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

Lainey was supposed to be by my
side my entire time in medical school.

See? That's the
point of my story!

Love is unpredictable.

Don't try to salvage
your stupid story.

I have to figure out how
to be with the girl I love

and go to medical
school at the same time!

then, there he was...

The man-boy that would
give Barry the answer!

- Unless...
- No!

Don't look at the boy surgeon
and get some farkakte idea.

Nice chat, Pops.

Mother, you relentlessly
and unrealistically

support my dreams
more than anyone, right?

Of course I do, pumpkin.

Not to overstate it, but
I'd like to bottle you up

and sell you at Bergdorf's.

That's why I need your
help to make sure I become

a fully licensed and
accredited doctor

before Lainey
leaves for college.

Um, boopie? It takes
years to become a doctor.

But Doogie's 16 and already
does that thing when he yells "clear!"

Then shoots lightning
into some dude's heart.

That sounds fun!

But you're still just
a boy in high school.

Step one, take my
GED, graduate tomorrow.

- What's next?
- Four years of pre-med at college.

I'll do it in six weeks. Done.
Next. What else you got?

Actual medical school,
which takes another four years.

I'll knock it out in a month.

Boom! Cutting out
hearts and playing God.

But to be a cardiologist,

you need to do a
residency at a hospital,

and that's at least
another two years.

I'll do it in two days. Done!

Where are my golf clubs?
Dr. Tasty's ready to save lives.

Honey, I love you,

but even I don't believe all that
can happen before Lainey leaves.

This is so typical of you.

Never supporting anything I do!

Don't you say that! I
support everything about you!

Except this. This is insane.

I know! This is hopeless!

So if I got to choose between
being a regular-aged doctor

and being with
Lainey, I choose her!

Stop. What are you saying?

If it's between saving
millions with my doctoring

or saving one with my loving,

then I choose
to let millions die.

But I was looking forward
to letting my friends

ramble on about
their boring sons,

and when they
asked me about you,

- I'd smugly say, "He's a doctor."
- Not anymore.

But I was gonna get personalized
license plates that say "Doc's Mom",

and steal all your cream samples

and bother you on family
vacations when I find a weird bump!

- Not anymore.
- Honey?

Goodbye, tongue depressors.

I guess I ate all those
popsicles for nothing.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry's plan
for his future was losing steam,

Erica heated things
up in the kitchen.

Yep, she used a
single smoke alarm

- to prove that lucky was our dad's favorite.



Come here, Lucky. I gotcha.

I'll rescue you,
my little princess!

ADULT ADAM: And so my dad
proved her point... Insultingly quick.

I can't believe you, dude!

How could you save
the dog over us?

It's a dog! She doesn't
know from fire alarms! You do!

Just admit it. Lucky's
your favorite child.

You're just upset 'cause I won't pay
for some fancy out-of-state school.

No, I'm upset
because you don't care.

If Lucky was going to college,
you'd be a hysterical mess!

Don't be a moron. There's
no such thing as dog college.

- What would she even study?
- Frisbee catching?

Please, Lucky hates Frisbee.

Fine, tail chasing.

Lucky doesn't chase her tail!

Duh! That's why she'd
take the class, to learn.

Okay! I'm sorry I introduced
dog college as a concept!

My point is, I'm moving out,

and you haven't shown a
shred of emotion about it.


Well, I feel sorry for this dog,

because she's stuck
in this crazy family!

Let me tell you something. This
dog loves this house, loves me,

and isn't running off anywhere.

Oh, no! ERICA: Stop!

Lucky! Come to Daddy!

our dog was taking off,

Barry's new career
was on the runway.

People of this house!

Are you ready to witness
the future of fashion?

What's with the getup, Barry?

I no longer respond to "Barry."

From now on, I am
the fashion designer

known only as... Baré.

Stop it right now.

You're becoming a
doctor, end of story!

Never! I am and forever
will be a fashion boy.

And I must get my portfolio
together for Savannah.

Baré has it all,
shirts, shorts, pants,

also pants shorter
than normal pants.

So... Shorts.

Damn it!

I'm ignoring that and moving on.

- I give you Baré...

Formal active wear for going
to a ball or slam-dunking one.

I'm a model!


Next, we got Naked Rob.

BaréStyles is the only
clothing this nudist will wear.

It really breathes, bro.

For the tiny man
who can live in a shoe,

we got Andy Cogan
modelling the petite line.

Aw, come on, dude!
I'm helping you!

And finally, we got
Matthew Bradley

showing off our sportsedo.

He shoots and scores...

With the ladies.


Okay, he's making these poor
boys wear a bunch of schmattas.

You got to get involved now!


(BLEEP) me.

ADULT ADAM: We'd been all over
Jenkintown, and still no sign of Lucky.

Damn it! She lost her collar!
Now we'll never find her!

Balls! I'm freaking out!

This is your fault, Dad!

Who ties a dog to the
lid of a garbage can?

She was only out there
'cause you staged a fake fire

and ruined perfectly
good fish sticks!

None of this would
have even happened

if you could just talk to
each other like normal people!

I'm always willing to
talk about my feelings,

unlike Closed Off
Johnson over here.

You want feelings?
I love that damn dog!

It never asks for anything,
never gives me any lip,

and then when I come
home, she runs right up to me!

Forgive me for not
charging into your arms

as you shed your swampy pants

and head to your
disgusting chair.

When you were a little girl,
you used to run through the door

into my arms every
time I came home,

and that was the
best part of my day.

that's gone too, and my heart is broken!

- Oh, okay.
- Yikes.

But now you're leaving, and
it's so painful, I can't stand it!

- Please make him stop.
- I can't.

I used to have a dog that would
sit by my side and not leave,

(SOFTLY) and
now she's gone, too.

No! Don't cry-whisper!

thing that still loves me is gone.

I'm so lonely.

- What have you done?
- What have I done?

(WEAKLY) I'm scared!
I'm scared to be alone!

We need to find the dog!

Maybe she went in the
dumpster for food scraps.

Is she in there?

Of course she's not! She's a
foot high and doesn't have thumbs!


have hurt my hand,

but Lainey was in for a
way more painful surprise.

- Hello, Lainey Lewis.
- Aah!

Not a fan of seat belts, I see.

I was just getting situated.

We need to talk about your plans

to drag my boy to the Deep
South to become a fashionista.

How is this on me?

I've always
supported his dreams,

even when they've
been highly questionable,

like when he wanted
to be a yo-yo champion

or start a shelter
for wayward lizards.

Look, I know you love Barry...

Not as much as me, but close.

And we share him now,

and both have to think
about what's best for him.

I get it.

I really do want
what's best for him,

even if what's best for
him doesn't include me.

Then talk to him.

The future of Dr. Goldberg
is in your hands.

Otherwise, he's Baré.

my mom made her point,

- She made a very dramatic exit.

Just got to squeeze... Aah!

Stupid tiny teenage car.

Meanwhile, my sister
and I were hoping

to end our drama and find Lucky.

I don't know what hurts worse,

my shattered heart
or my broken hand.

Forget the fact your fingers
look like mangled sausages.

We need to find
Lucky so we don't have

to watch Dad cry-whisper
over her ever again.

Yeah, I don't think
it was about the dog.

- He was crying over you.
- Don't you say that.

It's true. You're his Lucky.

You didn't think he
cared about you leaving,

but he, like, loves you so
hard that he's... He's broken.

He's a broken man!

I know!

He was so vulnerable and raw
and real and devastated over me.

But this is what you wanted.

No. No way. It's too much.

We got to find Lucky so that
Dad can put his walls back up

and close himself off forever.

Let's put up those
fliers, and fast.

Move, move, move!

Stop, stop, stop!

ADULT ADAM: But as fate
would have it, Lucky found us.

All we had to do was grab her.

Shh. No sudden movements.

She'll think we're playing
and bolt if we try to grab her.


I got this. Hey, Lucky, Lucky.

That's a good girl.

I got a doggie treat for...

Oh, balls! She's running!

Don't worry. I got this.

Oh! My leg not good!

ADULT ADAM: Turns out finding
Lucky was a painful experience.

Meanwhile, Lainey had
some hurt in store for Barry.


Oh, my God! What is
on your body right now?

Oh, this?

Just my favorite Rangers
jersey, sweats, hat, and scarf.

But they're the sworn enemy
of the Broad Street Bullies.

That's like saying New York is
a better city than Philadelphia.

Ooh, honestly, it is.

Whoa, whoa. What are you saying?

I guess I hate Philly.

- What?
- And cheesesteaks.

- And Rocky Balboa.

- No!
- I also hate rap and BMX biking

and Macho Man Randy Savage,
as well as Jean-Claude Van Damme.

You must've hit your head.
You're not thinking straight.

Speaking of stupid
karate people,

I also hate Chuck Norris,
and Bruce Lee is a wuss!

Don't! Just don't!

Whatever. I'm off
to watch Breakin' 1,

which is far superior
to Breakin' 2.

Oh, God, no! Breakin' 2
is the Electric Boogaloo!

What happened to
the woman I love?

Hey, if you don't like it,

I guess you'll just have
to break up with me.

You leave me no choice.

Lainey, if it makes you happy...

I will completely change
everything about myself.

The things I cherish,
what defines who I am

are meaningless if
you don't like them, too.

That means no more Flavor Flav,

and hit the bricks, Ron Hextall!

Damn it! Why are you so sweet?

All that matters is me and you.

Okay, fine! I admit it.

The Flyers are superior
to the Rangers...


- Breakin' 2 is rad...
- Yes!

And Van Damme's
oiled-up, shredded body

and insane flexibility are sick.

Come back to me, baby!

I just didn't want to stand in
the way of you being a doctor,

but I couldn't bear to
break up with you myself,

so I wanted you to do it for me.

But screw it. I can't
lose you next year.

Come to Savannah with me.

I don't care what
your mother thinks.

Wait. What does she
have to do with this?

Did she put you up to this?

No. Kinda. I don't know.

She got in my head, and my car.



Must... Release...
Extreme... Rage!

the rage was released.

Barry, wait. I know you're mad,
but please keep my name out of it.

Of course, my love.

Lainey told me everything, Mom!

Come on, dude. You didn't
even make it two seconds.

Everybody stop yelling

and have a calming hunk of
my homemade banana bread.

- Come on.
- No!

Warm, moist dessert
bread will not stop our rage.

In fact, Lainey agrees.

I'm going with her to
Savannah, Tennessee.

- It's in Georgia.
- Ugh. Really?

Doesn't matter.

In fact, I will never
break up with Lainey.

The only person I'm
gonna break up with is you.

So what are you saying?

You're just gonna get married
and have kids and never see me?

Is that what you wish on me?

More than anything! Lainey
and I will have six boys.

- Wait. What?
- And three girls,

and they'll be strangers to you.

Nine kids? Are you crazy?

Shh! This doesn't concern you.

You will only be known as the weird
blonde lady who lives down the street

and you will never, ever be
allowed in our one-bedroom condo.

Whoa! Nine kids in one room?

The complex has a
large common area.

Don't worry, Lainey. Gam Gam
will babysit whenever you want.

Okay, we're getting just a
smidge ahead of ourselves.

We have to!

Just listen to me.

Lainey, we had
all these big plans.

Now everything's falling apart.

his future in shambles,

Barry did what any
reasonable man would...

- Lock himself in a closet.
- Barry, please come out of there.

BARRY: No! I'm staying
in here until I've figured out

what I'm supposed
to do with my life.

If you only would've agreed to the
nine kids, he wouldn't be in there.

- This is your fault.
- Hey!

You're the one forcing
him to be a doctor

to make your friends
feel like losers.

(LAUGHS) Duh. Yeah.

Uh, good news, we found the dog.

Bad news, all of Adam is broken.

So much hurting, Mama!

Oh, my God! Call the hospital!

This is the worst medical
emergency the world has ever seen!

There's a medical emergency?

Clear a path!

Where's the pain, little bro?

In my arm and my leg.

Do you know what you're doing?

Don't worry. I'll
fix everything.

You didn't answer the question!

Lainey, I need
50cc of ice, stat!

I don't know how much
that is, but I'm on it.

BARRY: Come on,
fast! I need it fast!

Mom, I need a morphine drip.

- If you can't find that, two aspirin.
- On it, Schmoo.

BARRY: Hurry! Move, move!

Why is everyone
listening to him?

He's not a medical professional!

BARRY: Ice! Give me my ice!

Whew! That's cold.

It's okay, little
buddy. Stay with me.

Clearly, I can't go anywhere!

I'm pretty sure my leg
and arm are broken!

Nothing is broken! Look at me!

You're gonna pull
through just fine!

Open, damn it!

Yes! Doctoring!

He's gonna pull through!

My one baby saved my other baby.

I really did.

I cured him.

ADULT ADAM: Except he didn't.

Well, I was crazy-wrong.

Good thing you went to the
hospital for a second opinion.

The first and only opinion!

Seriously, what's
wrong with everyone?

Doesn't matter. My
doctoring days are done.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I got to admit.

When everyone was freaking
out, you really did take charge.

How did you know what to do?

I guess I kind
of felt it in here...

My heart.

The other side, dude!

- I got a lot to learn.
- So much, it's scary.

Let me re-adjust your pillow.


Look at that. He's a natural.

He really is.

Lainey, I'm sorry. I
should've never mixed in.

I just want what's best for him.

Me too.

But at the end of the day,

it doesn't matter what we want.

It's up to Barry to decide
where his life goes.

mom and Lainey finally realized

they couldn't
control Barry's future,

while Erica was realizing

that it was time to
take control of hers.

Hey. Can we talk?

I'm fine.


I was just worried
about the dog.

I didn't mean half
the things I said.

Fine. If you don't
want to talk, then I will.

I never knew that
you felt that way.

And now that I do, maybe...

I'll just go to
college in Philly.

You don't want to do that.

It's okay. There's plenty
of good schools close-by.

Look, as much as I'll
hate it having you gone,

I'll hate it even worse if
you stay here because of me.


Yeah, you got to get out there.

As hard as it is for me,

it's time for you
to start your life.

we'll want to

This is the time

Well... Here we are.

ADULT ADAM: When we're young,

we want our future to
go exactly as planned.

But then reality hits.

And sometimes it hits hard.


You have to be a doctor.

But that means that we...

I know what it means.

But look at how great
you were with Adam.

It's what you're meant to do.

What about us and our
plan to be together forever?

I guess...

Life's something you
just can't always plan out.

I don't know what I'm
gonna do without you.

We still have the rest of
school, the whole summer.

I hate we have this
ticking clock on us.

Then I guess it only
leaves us one choice.

To make the next few
months the best ever.

I'm warm from the
memory of days to come

ADULT ADAM: Turns out, you
get too caught up in the future,

you miss out on today.

'Cause even though it seems like

those you love
may be running off,

when it comes to family,
they're not going anywhere.

we'll want to

This is the time to remember

'Cause it will not last forever

These are the days to hold on to

'Cause we won't
although we'll want to

This is the time...

As you know, now that my dreams

are back on track, so are yours.

It's only a matter of time

before the JTP opens the JTP,

the Jenkintown Practice.

Jenkintown Practice!

Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

- Hello, Doctor.
- Doctor.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

- Doctor.
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- Doctor.
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- Doctor.
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- Doctor.
- Doctor.



Look at the time. I got to go.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

- Doctor.
- Doctor.

- Doctor.
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- Doctor.
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