The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - Deadheads - full transcript
Barry feels threatened when school deadhead Matt starts hanging out with the JTP and soon finds himself kicked out of the group when he becomes too controlling. Back at home, Adam uses a curse word which sends Beverly into a tail spin, even though she curses all of the time. To curb everyone's behavior, a swear jar is created, with the money going to a vacation of the winner's choice.
ADULT ADAM: Ah,
the Grateful Dead...
They were the chillest
jam band of the '80s,
and wherever they went,
their die-hard fans
would follow them.
Back then, every school
had the token Deadhead.
Ours was Matt Bradley.
(SINGING) I will get by
- So talented.
- So chill.
I will get by.
- JTP!
- ALL: JTP!
Where you guys been?
I was at the Wawa,
feeding that stray dog pizza.
You missed out big time.
He loves pineapples,
like a person.
- I told you, bro.
- Hilarious.
I eat those, and I'm a person.
Come on. Let's
go spit off a bridge.
Actually, I think we'd
rather just chill here
and watch Matt Bradley jam.
That guy? He's a
stupid Deadhead.
- So?
- So?
Their songs are, like,
a million hours long,
their crazy fans
smell like armpits,
and all they wear is tie-dye.
It's like, pick a color, bro.
You can't have them all.
Look past the swirly colors,
man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
We should totally make
him a member of the JTP.
No way! It's in our official bylaws
that any potential JTP prospect
has to bring something
new to the group.
Dude, he's, like,
a chick magnet.
We already got one, me!
He's also, like, super-chill.
I'm super-chill! I will physically
hurt your face right now!
At the very least, he's musical.
You want music? Watch and learn.
Attention, adoring fans.
Big Tasty is in the house!
You suck!
That's right! I do rock.
JTP, drop a beat.
Um, Bar, history has proven
that you say two good lines,
and then you freeze up, and
just repeat them over and over...
I said "Drop a beat"!
(ALL BEATBOXING)
(RAPPING) Check to the
one And check to the two
Big Tasty's on the
mic Rappin' at you
'Cause I'm checkin' to the
one And I'm checkin' to the two
Big Tasty's on the
mic Rappin' for you
Checkity one and checkity two
He's stuck in a loop again.
And I'm rappin' and I'm rappin'
- And I'm rappin' at
you - (CROWD BOOS)
And he's gonna get hit
in the face in three, two...
(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day
ADULT ADAM: It was
March 8th, 1980-something,
and I was doing what I
did best, being awesome.
(IMITATES ROBOCOP) Dead
or alive, you're coming with me.
All right, my little
RoboSchmoop,
time to clean up your
masterpiece so I can lay out mine.
(NORMAL VOICE) But we're
about to shoot Pops' big scene.
POPS: Adam, is that
you? I can't see in this thing.
Just take five, Pops.
Finally. I'm shvitzing
in this big box.
ADULT ADAM: What happened
next would change my life forever.
(SLO-MO) Oh...
Fudge!
ADULT ADAM: Only,
I didn't say "Fudge."
I said the big one, the
granddaddy of bad words,
and it was not good.
Hey!
You don't even want to know
what this little muddy
mouth just said.
You only get one helping
of shrimp parm tonight.
You can have seconds
on cheesy garlic bread,
but no thirds!
It was an accident, okay?
Unacceptable!
I mean, where did you
even learn such a potty word?
- Nowhere.
- Answer me!
Who taught you
how to do this stuff?
You, all right?
I learned it by watching you!
What?
- I have never!
- Seriously?
What? I don't talk like that.
ADULT ADAM: But she did.
Bev Bombs were dropped
on a daily basis in our home.
Holy (BLEEP) I love that idea!
I hate drugs so (BLEEP) much!
Adam used to be a good boy,
and now he's a real (BLEEP).
(BLEEPING CONTINUES)
Yeah!
Okay, maybe I do get
saucy once in a blue moon,
but I can because I'm an adult.
An adult who can't stop herself
from talking like a lumberjack.
Oh, really? Well,
we'll see about that.
I'm starting a swear jar.
My pickles!
You do realize that jar is
way too small for you, right?
Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna
drop a penny into this thing.
Oh, well, then you won't mind if
we use it for something awesome,
like, I don't know, a
trip to the Bahamas.
Or, even more exciting,
a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!
We can finally get a
picture in the stocks!
You already have one!
But I want a new one.
Oh. Thou doth look
so snuggly. (GIGGLES)
No more old-timey trips
where we learn stuff.
I want to tan in the Bahamas.
No one's going to the Bahamas.
No one's going anywhere.
Of course not. And you know why?
Because my lips
are squeaky-clean.
Yay! Making my kids better
people is gonna be (BLEEP) fun.
Yo, dude, we've been talking,
and we want to make an official vote
to induct Matt Bradley into the JTP.
We already decided.
He brings nothing
new to the table.
Bro, he's got a snake.
A streamlined iguana? For real?
A deal's a deal.
He's JTP-worthy.
Fine! We take a vote
and never discuss it again.
All those in favor in
accepting Matt Bradley
as a member of
the JTP, say "Aye."
- ALL: Aye.
- Those opposed? Me.
And as we all know, I'm the
leader, so my vote counts as three.
- And what does that mean?
- ALL: Tie vote.
And what happens in
the event of a tie vote?
- ALL: You win.
- Democracy in action! Let's go.
Yo, JTP, you meet
Snake Plissken?
- He poisonous?
- Nah.
- He's a boa, super-docile.
- Lame.
Oh, I was gonna see
if you wanted to hold it.
Oh, yeah! I mean... No.
We took a vote. We reject
you and your awesome viper.
That's not what the vote was for.
It was to be a member of the JTP.
Wow. I would be honored.
Don't be. You've
already been rejected.
It was a landslide.
Come on, Bar. At least give him a
chance to take the membership test.
Membership test?
It's a series of riddles,
trivia, and feats of strength.
- Sounds rad.
- Fine!
I'll give you a shot.
But as our charter
states, once you fail,
you can't ever be one of us.
You don't mess
around in the JTP.
- ALL: JTP!
- No!
He's not a member!
No call-and-response, JTP.
ALL: JTP.
ADULT ADAM: As Matt Bradley
was learning the rules of the JTP,
my mom was setting
up her own rules.
The rules are simple.
You curse, you reimburse.
One dollar for every swear
sworn in this household.
Well, I, for one, think
this is a fantastic way
to make us the very best
people that we can be.
And go to the Bahamas and pierce
my belly button. Forget I said that.
No one's going to
the damn Bahamas.
Bup-bup! That's a dollar
in the swear jar, Dad.
She's right, Murray. We
have to live by example.
I'm not paying for these
morons to go to the Bahamas.
You know, "Moron" may not
be considered a curse word,
but it really does feel
like one emotionally.
I'll put 20 bucks in that thing
if I can call any moron
who's acting like a moron
a moron, anytime I want.
- Fifty.
- Worth it.
Morons!
You know what would teach
us a super-valuable lesson?
Upping the fee for the big-time
swears to five bucks a pop.
Yes! Ooh! What a great idea.
Oh, balls! It's really not!
(LAUGHS) That's $5!
For "balls"? But it has
so many meanings,
only one of which
refers to one's nards.
That's $10! Yay! My
babies are gonna be angels!
What have you done, dragon lady?
I've got $7 to my name.
I'm already in debt.
Relax. I have a plan.
When it comes to swearing,
we have self-control.
Lucky for us, our mom does not.
Oh, my God. You're gonna
use the swear jar to scam Mom.
I ran the numbers. We
need 723 big swear words.
If we can up Mom's
swear rate to twice an hour
and nail her on some "hells"
and "damn its" in between,
we're gonna be slurping
on strawberry daiquiris
in the Bahamas in 13 days.
How do we get her to swear more?
Follow my lead.
Hey, Mom? I've been
thinking about it, and...
You're more than a mom.
You're also, like... A friend.
That's exactly how I feel!
We're like best (BLEEP) friends!
Oh. Wow.
While I appreciate
the enthusiasm,
you kind of just dropped
a big-money word.
That'll be a fiver.
Did I say (BLEEP)?
I said it again! Oh, how
many (BLEEP) was that?
(SIGHS)
Oh (BLEEP) it.
I'll just put in a $20.
It's money well-spent for my
delicious, talented superstar!
Mama! I'm cold, and nothing
can keep me warm like your hug!
Will you hug me till I'm all
roasty and toasty inside?
(BLEEP)
(LAUGHING) You are so adorable!
(GASPS)
I'll get my purse.
(CHUCKLES)
ADULT ADAM: As we
bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas,
my brother was banking
on Matt Bradley failing
the impossible
JTP Entrance Exam.
- Let the trials of the JTP begin.
- ALL: JTP!
First up, smashball.
Let's see you hit my
unhittable knuckle melon.
Yes!
But he destroyed that melon,
and every other challenge.
Slushie chug.
No mere mortal can
ingest an extra-large...
Done! Ahhh! My head!
- But worth it!
- Dang!
- He's unstoppable!
- He's immortal.
Riddles and trivia.
A body is found
in a locked room...
Is the weapon an ice knife?
Damn it!
Next category, busting balls.
Come up with three
insults for how short Andy is.
Oh. No, we don't have to do...
- Go!
- Andy's so tiny,
he uses a sock
as a sleeping bag.
When Andy plays
mini-golf, it's just called golf.
Did you hear Andy died?
He was bungee-jumping off a
curb and the dental floss broke.
- Oh!
- Oh!
I feel completely humiliated.
This guy is awesome!
Blindfolded Rubik's Cube,
which no human can do,
which means you'll
never be one of us.
- Go!
- Bro, this isn't in the charter.
The charter is a
living document,
and, lucky for me, it makes
it so he'll never be able to...
- Done!
- What?
That's awesome!
- Dude! Am I in the JTP?
- ALL: JTP!
That means "Yes." Cool!
So, what are we
doing this weekend?
Well, I don't know
what you'll be doing,
but the OG JTP will
be seeing The Fat Boys.
I'd invite you,
but it's sold out.
Why don't we go see the Dead?
They're playing at the fairgrounds.
Easy, new guy.
The JTP likes their music
in rap form or not at all.
Actually, I wouldn't
mind switching it up a bit.
Shut up, you tiny, little...
Pocket-man-face...
Damn it, that's hard.
That's a big thumbs
up on the Dead, Matty.
Wait. Barry, don't
you own a van?
- We could turn it into a Dead bus.
- Yes!
- For sure!
- A van-bus!
No! That's our A-Team van
we're taking to The Fat Boys!
And, like all other JTP decisions,
we're putting this concert to a vote.
Who wants to see The
Fat Boys tomorrow?
That's three votes for Fat Boys.
Why do you count as three?
'Cause don't question it.
Now, how many of
you want to go see
that weird, lame thing
I don't want to do?
One, two, three...
- Four?
- Grateful Dead, it is.
You're gonna love it, JTP.
ALL: (CHANTING) JTP! JTP! JTP!
- JTP! JTP! JTP!
- They have four votes.
I'll never get to bulldoze
my closest friends again.
This is a nightmare.
ADULT ADAM: It had been a week,
and my mom's little swearing problem
had gone from bad to worse.
- What'd you say now?
- Nothing.
What, did Erica
get another solo?
No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts
Mama" on his Trapper Keeper.
I had no choice. He hearts me.
Damn it! I am slowly paying
for a trip to the Bahamas
that I don't want to take.
I hate to be that person,
but you said "Damn it."
That's a buck.
Don't you see what the
kids are doing to you?
They're using your
dirty mouth against you.
ADULT ADAM: It
was at that moment
that my mom finally realized
she was being played.
Oh, my God! They're fleecing me!
It's time I teach
them a real lesson.
I've been thinking, schmoops.
This jar has been so effective
at stopping my potty mouth,
I figured everyone
should have a jar.
I don't know what your angle is
here, but I'm gonna have to say...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Pass.
Oh, sweetie, such attitude.
Luckily, now we have this.
Dollar, please.
A "Baditude" jar?
That's not a thing.
Oh, it is.
Every time you lip off,
it'll cost you a dollar.
Well, that's incredibly stupid!
(GASPS) Baditude! Now it's $2.
Just stop giving them baditude!
I don't know how not to!
This isn't fair! What about him?
Don't worry. Got you covered.
An "Adam" jar?
You pay up any time
you say any weird stuff
about space or
robits or space robits.
So, the Adam jar
is just a nerd jar?
- Yeah.
- That's very hurtful!
Hey, your RobitCop movie
started this whole mess.
RoboCop isn't a robot.
If anything, he's a cyborg,
which falls under the
umbrella of android,
which means
I'll put in a dollar.
See? We're all just using these
jars to become better people.
By the end, I'll curse less,
Erica will be a ray of sunshine,
and Adam will be
more... Accessible.
But we don't have
that kind of money.
Unless you have some way for
us to steal fractions of a penny
off every bank transaction,
à la Superman III.
- Dollar.
- Just stop talking!
I can't! It's like the Nothing
in The NeverEnding Story.
It can't be stopped!
- Dollar.
- Just don't speak!
I'm like Indy when he drank
the black blood of the Kali.
- I can't help myself!
- Dollar.
Don't worry.
We'll just take money from my
swear jar and put it into yours.
The proceeds from your jars
will go towards a trip
to Colonial Williamsburg!
You think you'll beat us?
Well, I'll be an utter delight,
and Adam won't even
be a little bit nerdy.
Yeah! I'll be as cool
as the ice planet Hoth.
- $5.
- Just stop talking!
ADULT ADAM: And so we were
forced to avoid being our usual selves.
Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV
as Barry forced himself
to like the Grateful Dead.
Ugh. Stupid Grateful Dead.
I've been listening to a bass
guitar solo for 20 minutes.
That's a lot of bass.
Everyone knows no song
can be longer than 10 minutes
unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.
I know what'll make you feel
better. What's Happening!!
And I told you,
this kid, Matt Bradley,
is trying to take my place
as supreme and
almighty leader of the JTP.
No, I'm saying,
What's Happening!!
I'm losing my posse!
How are you not getting this?
I get it! I mean...
What's Happening!!
I told you what's
happening 10 times!
ADULT ADAM: Much like
my mom, who tended to swear,
this is what Pops usually said.
What's happening?
What's happening?
What's happening? What's
happening? What's happening?
What's happening?
Oh! What's Happening!!
I love Rerun on these reruns.
This is a classic.
Rerun tries to bootleg a show,
and then the Doobie
Brothers stop an entire concert
when they see Rerun taping them.
Thanks for ruining it.
Wait a minute. He
ruined the concert.
That's it!
I'll record the Dead
concert and get caught.
I'm gonna really ask this
time... What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening.
I'm gonna make sure the JTP
never see a Dead show again.
Oh, there you are.
Erica, do me a favor and
empty the dishwasher.
I would love to do that, Mother.
So nice of you. Also,
clean the gutters.
- What...
- Hold it together.
Fun... That would be.
ADULT ADAM: My mom was
playing us just like we played her,
and then she pulled
out the big guns.
I heard there's a new Star
Track movie coming out.
We should go see it,
huh. Go see Star Track?
That is... A title
you would say.
And I heard the best
thing about the space movie
is this one superhero
named Hans Olo.
- Run, Adam! Run!
- No! I got to say it.
His name is Han Solo, not Hans.
He's a rogue smuggler,
not a Danish shoe cobbler.
You boned us.
Han Solo is from Star Wars,
not Star Trek.
And it's "Trek", by
the way, not "Track"!
Colonial Williamsburg,
here we come!
Oh, you're gonna look so
cute with your (BLEEP) musket.
- A-ha!
- You swore!
I knew that she wouldn't
last long. So predictable.
Baditude!
Huh! Someone can't keep
their (BLEEP) together.
Ha! Who can't keep
it together now?
This is more twists and
turns than the Battle of Endor!
Adam jar!
Stop talking, you giant nerd!
Baditude jar!
(CHUCKLES) This
is too (BLEEP) easy.
BOTH: Swear jar!
ADULT ADAM: With
that, the jar wars were on.
Meanwhile, it was all peace and
love at The Grateful Dead show.
Dude, this 45-minute
song is amazing.
And everyone's so nice.
Yeah, especially that one guy
that invited me to live with him
and those 10 other guys over
there on that patch of lawn.
Hey, wouldn't it be awesome
if we could listen
to this concert later?
What's all that?
Definitely not illegal
bootleg equipment
that'll allow me to profit
after selling them later!
Hey, pal, you trying
to tape the show?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
We're gonna have to go, huh?
For sure. Taping
section's way over there.
You can go on down.
ADULT ADAM:
Unfortunately for my brother,
he picked the one band chill
enough to let you tape them.
Barry, you're the man. You
just scored us better seats.
Why? What kind of band allows
you to tape their entire concert?
This doesn't make any sense.
Dead are a band of the
people. Music's for everyone.
They're so nice.
Now I hate them even more!
They were supposed
to kick us out!
Whoa. So, you wanted
to ruin this for us?
I mean, not ruin. I was just...
Not cool, bro.
Yeah, man. You're, like,
a bad friend to the JTP.
ALL: JTP.
Hey! I started this posse.
Without me, there is no JTP.
You didn't say "JTP" back.
Matt is right. You're
a selfish friend.
Yeah, and if that's how
you want to run the JTP,
then we don't want you in it.
Fine. I don't care.
I'll start a better, more
badass posse without you.
We'll see you around, Tasty.
ADULT ADAM: Since my
brother lost control of the JTP,
he decided to assemble
a better crew... He hoped.
Okay, welcome to my
all-new and improved posse.
I'm Big Tasty,
founder and leader.
First order of business,
we need a name.
- How about Rush?
- How about hush?
No Rush, no Atkins.
Later.
Okay, so, our name has
to have "Jenkintown" in it.
I was thinking the
Jenkintown Awesome Group.
Wait, you want
us to be the JAGs?
This is name for
unbearable loser, yes? A jag?
Foreign kid's right. I
don't want to be a jag.
Also, why is there an old
man in our super-cool group?
Every group has
a life of the party,
and that's Pops.
I'm our badass leader,
Sergei's the funny one.
And, of course, we got
our wild card, "Naked" Dan.
"Naked" Dan? This
is weird. I'm out.
Is decided. "Naked" Sergei!
ADULT ADAM: While Barry was
realizing what the JTP meant to him,
the jar wars had taken
on a whole new meaning.
(CLOCK TICKING)
You know, I never
thought I'd say these words,
but the silence is
making me crazy.
Somebody say something!
Uh-uh! If I say anything,
we're gonna end up in
Colonial Williams-turd.
Baditude! That's $5.
Pay up for comparing our
beloved US history to poo-poos.
Poo-poos!
All right, enough! I'm putting
an end to this once and for all.
Hey, I only made
these other jars
'cause you made me realize
that they were playing me.
Of course they
were. They're awful.
That's part of their charm,
just like swearing's
part of yours.
But Adam was right, he
learned it from watching me.
You swear because you care.
And I wouldn't
want to change that.
- For sure.
- Sadly, he's right.
MURRAY: And I'm not changing.
I'm gonna keep
calling them morons
because they act like morons.
And I can't change the fact saying
"Star Track" will always bother me.
And there's, like, zero chance
of me changing my crap attitude,
'cause you're all lame.
See? We are who we are.
And I love it!
- Dad's right.
- I feel the same way.
So, we all agree,
no more jar wars.
"Jar wars" sounds
like Star Wars!
Oh, God, it felt so good to say.
ADULT ADAM: With that,
the jar wars came to an end.
Meanwhile, my brother was hoping
for a new beginning with his friends.
Hey.
Can I talk to you guys?
Come on, guys.
Give him a chance.
Thanks, man.
I was a jerk, okay?
Look, the three of you are
the first real friends I ever had,
and I just didn't want to lose you to
someone else and be all alone again.
- Dude.
- Dude.
- Dude!
- So, to make it up to you...
I bought tickets to
the next Dead show.
Hoping maybe I can tag along?
Don't look at me.
I'm not the leader.
No one is. We're just...
The JTP.
ALL: JTP.
Uh, Bar, these tickets
are for Fairmount Park.
How are we
supposed to get there?
- No way!
- Awesome!
This seems like a big move
for a band we just got into,
- but I like it.
- Yep.
(THE GRATEFUL DEAD'S
TOUCH OF GREY PLAYS)
Good to have you
back, Big Tasty.
It's good to be
back, Matt Bradley.
ADULT ADAM: It was official.
The JTP had their
newest, chillest member,
Matt Bradley.
And to this very day...
He's still my brother's
closest, dearest friend.
That's what happens when you
open your heart and let someone in.
What's this?
We mapped out the
best route to Williamsburg.
We took all the money
from the swear jars
and booked a hotel room.
We thought you deserved a trip.
And I say that
without any attitude.
(SINGING) I will get by
I truly, madly, deeply
love you so (BLEEP) much,
I can't stand it.
Us too, Mama.
Guess I'm schlepping
to Williamsburg.
Morons.
ADULT ADAM: 'Cause in the end,
no matter what you go through...
I will get by
If you have your friends
and family by your side,
you will get by.
I will get by
ADAM: Will Matthew Bradley
come out as a winner today?
He's got the smile.
Or will Barry Goldberg
be a winner today?
The cream is then agitated
by the motion of the stick,
creating thick, rich butter.
Ma'am, would you
like to give it a try?
I'm good.
I'm approaching the natives
now. They seem to have a leader.
Dude, no. I told
you not to do this.
Greetings, colonial settlers.
I have come from the year 2032
to warn you of impending doom.
Everyone disregard.
- Time travel is not part of the tour.
- Not part of the tour!
See, I knew you'd say that,
proving that I'm from the future,
where robots have taken over,
and their power source
is pure, thick, rich butter!
I'm starting up the Adam jar
again. It's for your own good.
One of the female followers is
a sad loner with no boyfriend.
the Grateful Dead...
They were the chillest
jam band of the '80s,
and wherever they went,
their die-hard fans
would follow them.
Back then, every school
had the token Deadhead.
Ours was Matt Bradley.
(SINGING) I will get by
- So talented.
- So chill.
I will get by.
- JTP!
- ALL: JTP!
Where you guys been?
I was at the Wawa,
feeding that stray dog pizza.
You missed out big time.
He loves pineapples,
like a person.
- I told you, bro.
- Hilarious.
I eat those, and I'm a person.
Come on. Let's
go spit off a bridge.
Actually, I think we'd
rather just chill here
and watch Matt Bradley jam.
That guy? He's a
stupid Deadhead.
- So?
- So?
Their songs are, like,
a million hours long,
their crazy fans
smell like armpits,
and all they wear is tie-dye.
It's like, pick a color, bro.
You can't have them all.
Look past the swirly colors,
man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
We should totally make
him a member of the JTP.
No way! It's in our official bylaws
that any potential JTP prospect
has to bring something
new to the group.
Dude, he's, like,
a chick magnet.
We already got one, me!
He's also, like, super-chill.
I'm super-chill! I will physically
hurt your face right now!
At the very least, he's musical.
You want music? Watch and learn.
Attention, adoring fans.
Big Tasty is in the house!
You suck!
That's right! I do rock.
JTP, drop a beat.
Um, Bar, history has proven
that you say two good lines,
and then you freeze up, and
just repeat them over and over...
I said "Drop a beat"!
(ALL BEATBOXING)
(RAPPING) Check to the
one And check to the two
Big Tasty's on the
mic Rappin' at you
'Cause I'm checkin' to the
one And I'm checkin' to the two
Big Tasty's on the
mic Rappin' for you
Checkity one and checkity two
He's stuck in a loop again.
And I'm rappin' and I'm rappin'
- And I'm rappin' at
you - (CROWD BOOS)
And he's gonna get hit
in the face in three, two...
(SINGING) I'm twisted up inside
But nonetheless I
feel the need to say
I don't know the future
But the past keeps
getting clearer every day
ADULT ADAM: It was
March 8th, 1980-something,
and I was doing what I
did best, being awesome.
(IMITATES ROBOCOP) Dead
or alive, you're coming with me.
All right, my little
RoboSchmoop,
time to clean up your
masterpiece so I can lay out mine.
(NORMAL VOICE) But we're
about to shoot Pops' big scene.
POPS: Adam, is that
you? I can't see in this thing.
Just take five, Pops.
Finally. I'm shvitzing
in this big box.
ADULT ADAM: What happened
next would change my life forever.
(SLO-MO) Oh...
Fudge!
ADULT ADAM: Only,
I didn't say "Fudge."
I said the big one, the
granddaddy of bad words,
and it was not good.
Hey!
You don't even want to know
what this little muddy
mouth just said.
You only get one helping
of shrimp parm tonight.
You can have seconds
on cheesy garlic bread,
but no thirds!
It was an accident, okay?
Unacceptable!
I mean, where did you
even learn such a potty word?
- Nowhere.
- Answer me!
Who taught you
how to do this stuff?
You, all right?
I learned it by watching you!
What?
- I have never!
- Seriously?
What? I don't talk like that.
ADULT ADAM: But she did.
Bev Bombs were dropped
on a daily basis in our home.
Holy (BLEEP) I love that idea!
I hate drugs so (BLEEP) much!
Adam used to be a good boy,
and now he's a real (BLEEP).
(BLEEPING CONTINUES)
Yeah!
Okay, maybe I do get
saucy once in a blue moon,
but I can because I'm an adult.
An adult who can't stop herself
from talking like a lumberjack.
Oh, really? Well,
we'll see about that.
I'm starting a swear jar.
My pickles!
You do realize that jar is
way too small for you, right?
Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna
drop a penny into this thing.
Oh, well, then you won't mind if
we use it for something awesome,
like, I don't know, a
trip to the Bahamas.
Or, even more exciting,
a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!
We can finally get a
picture in the stocks!
You already have one!
But I want a new one.
Oh. Thou doth look
so snuggly. (GIGGLES)
No more old-timey trips
where we learn stuff.
I want to tan in the Bahamas.
No one's going to the Bahamas.
No one's going anywhere.
Of course not. And you know why?
Because my lips
are squeaky-clean.
Yay! Making my kids better
people is gonna be (BLEEP) fun.
Yo, dude, we've been talking,
and we want to make an official vote
to induct Matt Bradley into the JTP.
We already decided.
He brings nothing
new to the table.
Bro, he's got a snake.
A streamlined iguana? For real?
A deal's a deal.
He's JTP-worthy.
Fine! We take a vote
and never discuss it again.
All those in favor in
accepting Matt Bradley
as a member of
the JTP, say "Aye."
- ALL: Aye.
- Those opposed? Me.
And as we all know, I'm the
leader, so my vote counts as three.
- And what does that mean?
- ALL: Tie vote.
And what happens in
the event of a tie vote?
- ALL: You win.
- Democracy in action! Let's go.
Yo, JTP, you meet
Snake Plissken?
- He poisonous?
- Nah.
- He's a boa, super-docile.
- Lame.
Oh, I was gonna see
if you wanted to hold it.
Oh, yeah! I mean... No.
We took a vote. We reject
you and your awesome viper.
That's not what the vote was for.
It was to be a member of the JTP.
Wow. I would be honored.
Don't be. You've
already been rejected.
It was a landslide.
Come on, Bar. At least give him a
chance to take the membership test.
Membership test?
It's a series of riddles,
trivia, and feats of strength.
- Sounds rad.
- Fine!
I'll give you a shot.
But as our charter
states, once you fail,
you can't ever be one of us.
You don't mess
around in the JTP.
- ALL: JTP!
- No!
He's not a member!
No call-and-response, JTP.
ALL: JTP.
ADULT ADAM: As Matt Bradley
was learning the rules of the JTP,
my mom was setting
up her own rules.
The rules are simple.
You curse, you reimburse.
One dollar for every swear
sworn in this household.
Well, I, for one, think
this is a fantastic way
to make us the very best
people that we can be.
And go to the Bahamas and pierce
my belly button. Forget I said that.
No one's going to
the damn Bahamas.
Bup-bup! That's a dollar
in the swear jar, Dad.
She's right, Murray. We
have to live by example.
I'm not paying for these
morons to go to the Bahamas.
You know, "Moron" may not
be considered a curse word,
but it really does feel
like one emotionally.
I'll put 20 bucks in that thing
if I can call any moron
who's acting like a moron
a moron, anytime I want.
- Fifty.
- Worth it.
Morons!
You know what would teach
us a super-valuable lesson?
Upping the fee for the big-time
swears to five bucks a pop.
Yes! Ooh! What a great idea.
Oh, balls! It's really not!
(LAUGHS) That's $5!
For "balls"? But it has
so many meanings,
only one of which
refers to one's nards.
That's $10! Yay! My
babies are gonna be angels!
What have you done, dragon lady?
I've got $7 to my name.
I'm already in debt.
Relax. I have a plan.
When it comes to swearing,
we have self-control.
Lucky for us, our mom does not.
Oh, my God. You're gonna
use the swear jar to scam Mom.
I ran the numbers. We
need 723 big swear words.
If we can up Mom's
swear rate to twice an hour
and nail her on some "hells"
and "damn its" in between,
we're gonna be slurping
on strawberry daiquiris
in the Bahamas in 13 days.
How do we get her to swear more?
Follow my lead.
Hey, Mom? I've been
thinking about it, and...
You're more than a mom.
You're also, like... A friend.
That's exactly how I feel!
We're like best (BLEEP) friends!
Oh. Wow.
While I appreciate
the enthusiasm,
you kind of just dropped
a big-money word.
That'll be a fiver.
Did I say (BLEEP)?
I said it again! Oh, how
many (BLEEP) was that?
(SIGHS)
Oh (BLEEP) it.
I'll just put in a $20.
It's money well-spent for my
delicious, talented superstar!
Mama! I'm cold, and nothing
can keep me warm like your hug!
Will you hug me till I'm all
roasty and toasty inside?
(BLEEP)
(LAUGHING) You are so adorable!
(GASPS)
I'll get my purse.
(CHUCKLES)
ADULT ADAM: As we
bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas,
my brother was banking
on Matt Bradley failing
the impossible
JTP Entrance Exam.
- Let the trials of the JTP begin.
- ALL: JTP!
First up, smashball.
Let's see you hit my
unhittable knuckle melon.
Yes!
But he destroyed that melon,
and every other challenge.
Slushie chug.
No mere mortal can
ingest an extra-large...
Done! Ahhh! My head!
- But worth it!
- Dang!
- He's unstoppable!
- He's immortal.
Riddles and trivia.
A body is found
in a locked room...
Is the weapon an ice knife?
Damn it!
Next category, busting balls.
Come up with three
insults for how short Andy is.
Oh. No, we don't have to do...
- Go!
- Andy's so tiny,
he uses a sock
as a sleeping bag.
When Andy plays
mini-golf, it's just called golf.
Did you hear Andy died?
He was bungee-jumping off a
curb and the dental floss broke.
- Oh!
- Oh!
I feel completely humiliated.
This guy is awesome!
Blindfolded Rubik's Cube,
which no human can do,
which means you'll
never be one of us.
- Go!
- Bro, this isn't in the charter.
The charter is a
living document,
and, lucky for me, it makes
it so he'll never be able to...
- Done!
- What?
That's awesome!
- Dude! Am I in the JTP?
- ALL: JTP!
That means "Yes." Cool!
So, what are we
doing this weekend?
Well, I don't know
what you'll be doing,
but the OG JTP will
be seeing The Fat Boys.
I'd invite you,
but it's sold out.
Why don't we go see the Dead?
They're playing at the fairgrounds.
Easy, new guy.
The JTP likes their music
in rap form or not at all.
Actually, I wouldn't
mind switching it up a bit.
Shut up, you tiny, little...
Pocket-man-face...
Damn it, that's hard.
That's a big thumbs
up on the Dead, Matty.
Wait. Barry, don't
you own a van?
- We could turn it into a Dead bus.
- Yes!
- For sure!
- A van-bus!
No! That's our A-Team van
we're taking to The Fat Boys!
And, like all other JTP decisions,
we're putting this concert to a vote.
Who wants to see The
Fat Boys tomorrow?
That's three votes for Fat Boys.
Why do you count as three?
'Cause don't question it.
Now, how many of
you want to go see
that weird, lame thing
I don't want to do?
One, two, three...
- Four?
- Grateful Dead, it is.
You're gonna love it, JTP.
ALL: (CHANTING) JTP! JTP! JTP!
- JTP! JTP! JTP!
- They have four votes.
I'll never get to bulldoze
my closest friends again.
This is a nightmare.
ADULT ADAM: It had been a week,
and my mom's little swearing problem
had gone from bad to worse.
- What'd you say now?
- Nothing.
What, did Erica
get another solo?
No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts
Mama" on his Trapper Keeper.
I had no choice. He hearts me.
Damn it! I am slowly paying
for a trip to the Bahamas
that I don't want to take.
I hate to be that person,
but you said "Damn it."
That's a buck.
Don't you see what the
kids are doing to you?
They're using your
dirty mouth against you.
ADULT ADAM: It
was at that moment
that my mom finally realized
she was being played.
Oh, my God! They're fleecing me!
It's time I teach
them a real lesson.
I've been thinking, schmoops.
This jar has been so effective
at stopping my potty mouth,
I figured everyone
should have a jar.
I don't know what your angle is
here, but I'm gonna have to say...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Pass.
Oh, sweetie, such attitude.
Luckily, now we have this.
Dollar, please.
A "Baditude" jar?
That's not a thing.
Oh, it is.
Every time you lip off,
it'll cost you a dollar.
Well, that's incredibly stupid!
(GASPS) Baditude! Now it's $2.
Just stop giving them baditude!
I don't know how not to!
This isn't fair! What about him?
Don't worry. Got you covered.
An "Adam" jar?
You pay up any time
you say any weird stuff
about space or
robits or space robits.
So, the Adam jar
is just a nerd jar?
- Yeah.
- That's very hurtful!
Hey, your RobitCop movie
started this whole mess.
RoboCop isn't a robot.
If anything, he's a cyborg,
which falls under the
umbrella of android,
which means
I'll put in a dollar.
See? We're all just using these
jars to become better people.
By the end, I'll curse less,
Erica will be a ray of sunshine,
and Adam will be
more... Accessible.
But we don't have
that kind of money.
Unless you have some way for
us to steal fractions of a penny
off every bank transaction,
à la Superman III.
- Dollar.
- Just stop talking!
I can't! It's like the Nothing
in The NeverEnding Story.
It can't be stopped!
- Dollar.
- Just don't speak!
I'm like Indy when he drank
the black blood of the Kali.
- I can't help myself!
- Dollar.
Don't worry.
We'll just take money from my
swear jar and put it into yours.
The proceeds from your jars
will go towards a trip
to Colonial Williamsburg!
You think you'll beat us?
Well, I'll be an utter delight,
and Adam won't even
be a little bit nerdy.
Yeah! I'll be as cool
as the ice planet Hoth.
- $5.
- Just stop talking!
ADULT ADAM: And so we were
forced to avoid being our usual selves.
Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV
as Barry forced himself
to like the Grateful Dead.
Ugh. Stupid Grateful Dead.
I've been listening to a bass
guitar solo for 20 minutes.
That's a lot of bass.
Everyone knows no song
can be longer than 10 minutes
unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.
I know what'll make you feel
better. What's Happening!!
And I told you,
this kid, Matt Bradley,
is trying to take my place
as supreme and
almighty leader of the JTP.
No, I'm saying,
What's Happening!!
I'm losing my posse!
How are you not getting this?
I get it! I mean...
What's Happening!!
I told you what's
happening 10 times!
ADULT ADAM: Much like
my mom, who tended to swear,
this is what Pops usually said.
What's happening?
What's happening?
What's happening? What's
happening? What's happening?
What's happening?
Oh! What's Happening!!
I love Rerun on these reruns.
This is a classic.
Rerun tries to bootleg a show,
and then the Doobie
Brothers stop an entire concert
when they see Rerun taping them.
Thanks for ruining it.
Wait a minute. He
ruined the concert.
That's it!
I'll record the Dead
concert and get caught.
I'm gonna really ask this
time... What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening.
I'm gonna make sure the JTP
never see a Dead show again.
Oh, there you are.
Erica, do me a favor and
empty the dishwasher.
I would love to do that, Mother.
So nice of you. Also,
clean the gutters.
- What...
- Hold it together.
Fun... That would be.
ADULT ADAM: My mom was
playing us just like we played her,
and then she pulled
out the big guns.
I heard there's a new Star
Track movie coming out.
We should go see it,
huh. Go see Star Track?
That is... A title
you would say.
And I heard the best
thing about the space movie
is this one superhero
named Hans Olo.
- Run, Adam! Run!
- No! I got to say it.
His name is Han Solo, not Hans.
He's a rogue smuggler,
not a Danish shoe cobbler.
You boned us.
Han Solo is from Star Wars,
not Star Trek.
And it's "Trek", by
the way, not "Track"!
Colonial Williamsburg,
here we come!
Oh, you're gonna look so
cute with your (BLEEP) musket.
- A-ha!
- You swore!
I knew that she wouldn't
last long. So predictable.
Baditude!
Huh! Someone can't keep
their (BLEEP) together.
Ha! Who can't keep
it together now?
This is more twists and
turns than the Battle of Endor!
Adam jar!
Stop talking, you giant nerd!
Baditude jar!
(CHUCKLES) This
is too (BLEEP) easy.
BOTH: Swear jar!
ADULT ADAM: With
that, the jar wars were on.
Meanwhile, it was all peace and
love at The Grateful Dead show.
Dude, this 45-minute
song is amazing.
And everyone's so nice.
Yeah, especially that one guy
that invited me to live with him
and those 10 other guys over
there on that patch of lawn.
Hey, wouldn't it be awesome
if we could listen
to this concert later?
What's all that?
Definitely not illegal
bootleg equipment
that'll allow me to profit
after selling them later!
Hey, pal, you trying
to tape the show?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
We're gonna have to go, huh?
For sure. Taping
section's way over there.
You can go on down.
ADULT ADAM:
Unfortunately for my brother,
he picked the one band chill
enough to let you tape them.
Barry, you're the man. You
just scored us better seats.
Why? What kind of band allows
you to tape their entire concert?
This doesn't make any sense.
Dead are a band of the
people. Music's for everyone.
They're so nice.
Now I hate them even more!
They were supposed
to kick us out!
Whoa. So, you wanted
to ruin this for us?
I mean, not ruin. I was just...
Not cool, bro.
Yeah, man. You're, like,
a bad friend to the JTP.
ALL: JTP.
Hey! I started this posse.
Without me, there is no JTP.
You didn't say "JTP" back.
Matt is right. You're
a selfish friend.
Yeah, and if that's how
you want to run the JTP,
then we don't want you in it.
Fine. I don't care.
I'll start a better, more
badass posse without you.
We'll see you around, Tasty.
ADULT ADAM: Since my
brother lost control of the JTP,
he decided to assemble
a better crew... He hoped.
Okay, welcome to my
all-new and improved posse.
I'm Big Tasty,
founder and leader.
First order of business,
we need a name.
- How about Rush?
- How about hush?
No Rush, no Atkins.
Later.
Okay, so, our name has
to have "Jenkintown" in it.
I was thinking the
Jenkintown Awesome Group.
Wait, you want
us to be the JAGs?
This is name for
unbearable loser, yes? A jag?
Foreign kid's right. I
don't want to be a jag.
Also, why is there an old
man in our super-cool group?
Every group has
a life of the party,
and that's Pops.
I'm our badass leader,
Sergei's the funny one.
And, of course, we got
our wild card, "Naked" Dan.
"Naked" Dan? This
is weird. I'm out.
Is decided. "Naked" Sergei!
ADULT ADAM: While Barry was
realizing what the JTP meant to him,
the jar wars had taken
on a whole new meaning.
(CLOCK TICKING)
You know, I never
thought I'd say these words,
but the silence is
making me crazy.
Somebody say something!
Uh-uh! If I say anything,
we're gonna end up in
Colonial Williams-turd.
Baditude! That's $5.
Pay up for comparing our
beloved US history to poo-poos.
Poo-poos!
All right, enough! I'm putting
an end to this once and for all.
Hey, I only made
these other jars
'cause you made me realize
that they were playing me.
Of course they
were. They're awful.
That's part of their charm,
just like swearing's
part of yours.
But Adam was right, he
learned it from watching me.
You swear because you care.
And I wouldn't
want to change that.
- For sure.
- Sadly, he's right.
MURRAY: And I'm not changing.
I'm gonna keep
calling them morons
because they act like morons.
And I can't change the fact saying
"Star Track" will always bother me.
And there's, like, zero chance
of me changing my crap attitude,
'cause you're all lame.
See? We are who we are.
And I love it!
- Dad's right.
- I feel the same way.
So, we all agree,
no more jar wars.
"Jar wars" sounds
like Star Wars!
Oh, God, it felt so good to say.
ADULT ADAM: With that,
the jar wars came to an end.
Meanwhile, my brother was hoping
for a new beginning with his friends.
Hey.
Can I talk to you guys?
Come on, guys.
Give him a chance.
Thanks, man.
I was a jerk, okay?
Look, the three of you are
the first real friends I ever had,
and I just didn't want to lose you to
someone else and be all alone again.
- Dude.
- Dude.
- Dude!
- So, to make it up to you...
I bought tickets to
the next Dead show.
Hoping maybe I can tag along?
Don't look at me.
I'm not the leader.
No one is. We're just...
The JTP.
ALL: JTP.
Uh, Bar, these tickets
are for Fairmount Park.
How are we
supposed to get there?
- No way!
- Awesome!
This seems like a big move
for a band we just got into,
- but I like it.
- Yep.
(THE GRATEFUL DEAD'S
TOUCH OF GREY PLAYS)
Good to have you
back, Big Tasty.
It's good to be
back, Matt Bradley.
ADULT ADAM: It was official.
The JTP had their
newest, chillest member,
Matt Bradley.
And to this very day...
He's still my brother's
closest, dearest friend.
That's what happens when you
open your heart and let someone in.
What's this?
We mapped out the
best route to Williamsburg.
We took all the money
from the swear jars
and booked a hotel room.
We thought you deserved a trip.
And I say that
without any attitude.
(SINGING) I will get by
I truly, madly, deeply
love you so (BLEEP) much,
I can't stand it.
Us too, Mama.
Guess I'm schlepping
to Williamsburg.
Morons.
ADULT ADAM: 'Cause in the end,
no matter what you go through...
I will get by
If you have your friends
and family by your side,
you will get by.
I will get by
ADAM: Will Matthew Bradley
come out as a winner today?
He's got the smile.
Or will Barry Goldberg
be a winner today?
The cream is then agitated
by the motion of the stick,
creating thick, rich butter.
Ma'am, would you
like to give it a try?
I'm good.
I'm approaching the natives
now. They seem to have a leader.
Dude, no. I told
you not to do this.
Greetings, colonial settlers.
I have come from the year 2032
to warn you of impending doom.
Everyone disregard.
- Time travel is not part of the tour.
- Not part of the tour!
See, I knew you'd say that,
proving that I'm from the future,
where robots have taken over,
and their power source
is pure, thick, rich butter!
I'm starting up the Adam jar
again. It's for your own good.
One of the female followers is
a sad loner with no boyfriend.