The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Kara-te Kid - full transcript

The ultimate karate battle between the Adams.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, we were
all obsessed with the movie Karate Kid,

the tale of a misfit teenager
who teams up with Mr. Miyagi

to crane-kick
his way to victory.

Wax on. Right.

Wax off. Left.

BOTH: Wax on. Right hand.

Wax off. Left hand.

Wax on. Wax off.

Shh. It's hard enough to
hear the old karate gardener

without you two
morons talking over him.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, Karate
Kid had something for everyone.

Oh, man, I loved how Daniel-san
beat up all those bullies.

I mean, how many weeks
did he train? Three? So cool.

I loved the leg sweeping
and face punches.

I loved the wise old man
kicking all those kids' butts.

He should be
arrested, but he's not.

ADULT ADAM: It even inspired me

to write my very own movie-review
column in the school newspaper.

Reading anything
good there, Taz?

Yeah, man, this review
of Karate Kid is fresh.

That other Adam Goldberg in
11th grade knows his movies.

What? No. I wrote that.

It says here it's
by Adam Goldberg.

You're Adam F. Goldberg.

With one missing letter "F,"
my Karate Kid journey began.

Oh, balls!

- You!
- Oh, balls!

Balls, indeed. There he
was, the other Adam Goldberg.

Indie, artsy and my nemesis

who had been on
my mind a bit lately.

There's another Adam Goldberg.

There's another Adam
Goldberg in school.

- He's in 11th grade.
- He's an actor, too.

He's got more of a
Jim Jarmusch vibe.

He's more of a multi-hyphenate.

He's a loose cannon.

He's way more likely to
win an award than me.

And he's very mad about the
whole same-name situation.

He looks madder than usual.

He really does. Thanks
for having my back, Taz.

We need to talk, Adam Goldberg.

Oh, yeah, sure. What's on
your mind, other Adam Goldberg?

For the record, you're
the other Adam Goldberg,

and you're ruining my rep.

Everyone thinks I
wrote this hacky tripe.

It's supposed to say "Adam F."

It's a simple mistake, really.

It's like that time the
nurse gave you my inhaler,

even though you don't
have a problem with ragweed.

Don't minimize this, bro. Do you
have any idea how many people

have congratulated
me on this article?

- Two?
- Wow, that's a good guess.

Point is, I'm tired of the
marketplace confusion!

You got to change your name now.

I really don't think people are gonna
be confused by our names, dude.

Hey, Goldberg, we're
playing basketball in the gym,

and your mother is
insisting you wear a jockstrap

so you don't hurt your yam bag.

Ha! He's worried about
his reproductive health.

His mom cares about
him! That's a weakness!

You're changing your name.


(SINGING) You're the best around

Nothin's gonna
ever keep you down

March 1, 1980-something,

and Erica was still obsessing

over her first kiss
with Geoff Schwartz.

Hey. Can we talk, you know,

about that thing that
happened between us

with our lips and stuff?

I know the thing, Geoff.

Well, even though that
thing was super awesome,

it can't happen
again 'cause, like,

me and Evy are
together. You get it.


It was a stupid
one-time mistake.

A one-time mistake that...

We've made every day...

For the last three weeks.

Right, but this is the
last time. Starting now.

God! What is wrong with us?

This has to stop!

- Does it? It does.
- I don't know!

- Does it, though?
- It doesn't! And you know why?

I'm gonna break
up with Evy today.

Dude, you say that exact
same thing every day,

and we always end up hiding in
here while Evy has volleyball practice.

You'll see. This time, I won't
get scared of her and wimp out.

Well, my lips aren't touching
yours until it's official. Understood?

and Geoff were living in denial,

I was living in fear
about my own name.

And so it's with a heavy heart,
I must legally change my name.

Let's take a look at option one.

Examples of this might
be Snake, Blade or Axel.

- Axel Goldberg?
- Moving on.

We have the second option.

I can be Adam Kenobi,

Adam Balboa, or Adam
Cobra Commander.

Or there's option three...

Pick one of the names
I've carefully crafted for you.

Spazitron Spazzowitz.

Nads Asshattington.

- Turd Smugglins.

No! Who would
name their child Turd

if their last name
was Smugglins? Who?

Damn it, you're still going on
about this stupid name thing?

Dad's right.

Stop running, and fight
for your name and honor.

Fight? What fight?
There will be no fight.

Stay out of this, Bevy.
I'm gonna deal with it.

First, you bop
that kid in the nose.

Then you hit him with a chair.

Why aren't you
writing this down?

I think it's easier if I just
peacefully change my name

'cause the other Adam Goldberg

is slightly inconvenienced
every so often.

No way. Your name
is perfect, just like you.

Mama will take care of this.

Absolutely not.

You go tattle-taling
to your mama,

it's only gonna
make things worse.

Okay, fine.

I promise I won't speak to
the other Adam Goldberg

at all, in any way.

Your mom called my
mom last night, dude.

What is wrong with you?

Damn it! She found a loophole.

She convinced my mom
that I should go by AJ

'cause my middle
name's Jacob. AJ.

Relax. No one's calling you AJ.

Hey, everybody, the pretentious
film nerd's gonna go by AJ

so we can tell the difference between
him and the mainstream film nerd.

Your name's just
letters! You suck, AJ!

That's it. I was just gonna
make you change your name,

but now I'm gonna
beat the crap out of you

and make you change your name!

Let's say you didn't beat me up,

and I became a Mr. Turd
Smugglins. Would that appeal to you?

No. Be in the quad at 3:00.

ADULT ADAM: While I was
forced to face my nemesis,

Erica was suddenly
feeling bad for hers.

Evy, hey.

You okay?

- (VOICE BREAKING) I'm fine.
- You sure?

Something bad
didn't happen to you,

like a paper cut or
a nasty break-up?

I think something's going
on between me and Geoffrey.

Geoffrey... The
Toys "R" Us giraffe?


I mean, I know I can
be kind of smothering,

but that's only because
I like him so much.

Um, it's gonna be fine.

You'll be fine.

Um, maybe not fine.

Life will move on.

Erica, you told her about us?

Um, no.

What about you guys?

What? No! Nothing
romantic is going on

while you're at volleyball
practice between 3:30 and 5:00.

Stop using so many
specifics, Geoff!

All I'm saying is we were
definitely not damaging

some wind chimes in
a moment of passion.

- Geoff!
- I'm so sorry!

Anxiety makes me
get extremely detailed!

Well, anger makes me
throw stuff at cheating jerks!

- Ha!

You got a face
full of orange drink!

It's fun 'cause
you're sticky now!

Dear Lord, are you two always
just lurking around to bag on people?

For sure.

It makes me feel
better about myself.

Barry! I never
thought I'd say this,

but I need your street
smarts and karate skills.

It's one-stop shopping
with me. Continue.

The other Adam
Goldberg says he's gonna

beat me into a
pulp after school.

- You got to save me.
- Don't worry, bro.

I know just what to do.

As you know, it is strictly
against school policy

to allow students to
fight on school property.

Oh, thank God.

Which is why I'm
allowing your brother here

to start an official
after-school karate club.

- What?
- BARRY: Look, I already signed you up.

I thought you were
going to save me.

I am, by letting the
other Adam Goldberg

kick your ass in a
loving, controlled,

school-sanctioned environment

monitored by our
most lenient teacher.

Karate club, huh?

Too afraid to fight
me on the streets?

Yes! I've mentioned
that several times.

Then I'll beat you
down on the mat,

even though we both
know you'll wuss out.


I'm kicking butts and
taking names. Literally.

Thanks a lot, Barry.

You officially just
signed my death warrant.

Chill out. I got a plan.

The time has come for
you to meet my sensei.

What the hell? Is it
Thanksgiving already?

No. You've got a new student.

Uncle Marvin is your sensei?

Hai! Will you train the
lazy-eyed one, master?

Hai. But be
forewarned, Adam-san.

You must always
keep your focus sharp.

You must not give
in to distractions.

And if anyone should
walk in here and say,

"Get out of my apartment,"
what do we say, Barry-san?

I've got squatters rights.

Excellent, my pupil. Excellent.

ADULT ADAM: I always knew my
crazy uncle was a man of many talents,

but I never realized
until that very moment

that karate was one of them.

Soap the counter.

Rinse the counter. Hai!

just like Mr. Miyagi,

he used household chores
to teach me the art of karate.

Wash the dishes! Hai!

Scrape out that freezer!

Give me that juice!


Cheese my quesadilla!


Look in the neighbor's
trash for cans!



Shred my
eight-year-old tax returns!



Take this old TV to the curb!

ADULT ADAM: Yes, I was
becoming a martial-arts master.

- I'm learning so much karate.
- Hai!

ADULT ADAM: At least
that's what he told me.

Thanks to Uncle Marvin, I
was almost ready for battle.

I just needed permission.

I need you to sign my
permission slip for the karate club.

I shall face my
enemy in open combat.

Look at you.

Finally listening to
your old man, huh?

No, your stuff was useless.

I'm being trained by the most
deadly martial-arts sensei in town.


Wah! Spray TV.

Wipe TV.

Spray TV. Wipe TV.

I don't know what
the hell that was,

but good for you for
defending yourself

and for cleaning my TV.

Stay still, Lucky.
Thank you. There we go.

officially ready for battle.

Meanwhile, Erica and
Geoff were finally official.

So you guys must feel great

not having to hide
your love anymore.

Yeah, it's, like, the best.

Yeah, you know,
except for... That.

Look at her. She
is a crazy person.

- Seriously.
- She's gone full Zabka on us.

- Gone what?
- Billy Zabka?

The dude who played
the bad guy in Karate Kid.

He got dumped by Elisabeth
Shue and couldn't get over it.

Not taking sides,
but it really seems like

you guys are the
Zabka in this situation.

- Yeah, you're clearly the bad guys.
- Mmm-hmm.

Us? Come on, man. How
can you even say that?

There's no way that
we're the Zabkas.

That night, Geoff went home

and watched a movie marathon.

- We're totally the Zabkas.
- Okay, what is happening?

I just watched
every Zabka movie.

Karate Kid. Zabka
snap-kicks Daniel,

who was just handing
Ali back her radio.

Back to School. Zabka
punches Rodney Dangerfield.

He punches an
old man in the face.

Just One of the Guys. Zabka
throws a girl in the ocean.

She was just trying to
succeed as a photographer.

Hey! Terry lied to everybody
about who she was,

until she told him the
truth with her boobs.

I'm Geoff Schwartz,
man. I can't be the Zabka.

I'm the sweet, lovable,
girl-next-door type.

I'm the Elisabeth Shue.

Well, I am not the Zabka here.

Whoa! Are you saying
I'm the solo Zabka here?

Evy is your girlfriend.

You said you were going to
break up with her, but you didn't.

Total Zabka move.

Okay, you're being a major
Zabka right now, and I don't like it.

Don't you call me
a Zabka, Zabka!

Ha! Only a Zabka would
call a Zabka a Zabka!

Well, if I'm such a freaking
Zabka, then get out, you Zabka!

We're still gonna make out in
your brother's tree house later, right?

- Obviously!
- We're such Zabkas!

I know!

Listen up.

The next phase of our
training begins tomorrow.

You will power-wash the
driveway, like a true Shinobi warrior.

Um, I can't wait till tomorrow.

(CHUCKLES) I'd rather
not wait, either, grasshopper,

but I have to rent
the power washer

from the hardware
store. It's a whole thing.

No, I have the
tournament tomorrow.

The tournament...
(STUTTERS) The what?

Tomorrow's the big day
where Adam squares off

against his same-name
nemesis, his namesis.

Wait a minute,
are you telling me

that someone's gonna put
their hands on you for real-skis?

Fear not, Sensei.

Once you show me how the
chores become karate moves,

I shall not fail.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, here's the deal.

Um, technically, I'm not
so much of a karate expert

as I am a guy whose
housekeeper quit

because he tried to
pay her with "massage."

Oh, my God.

(EXCLAIMS) What are
you saying right now?

All we've done is clean
this slob's apartment!

I must unleash my
anger through karate!

Oh, God. (SOBBING)

This is all I know. What am I?

Uncle Marvin, I have a
battle to the death tomorrow.

What am I going to do?

Okay, okay, okay. I still
can teach you one technique.

It's called duck and
curl up into a ball.

Watch and learn.



I just figured it out.

You're trying to shake my faith.

This is all a test.

It is?

Of course I'm a 10th
degree black belt.

I have to be.

Otherwise, reality as I
know it would implode,

and I'd find myself in a deep
darkness and never fully recover.

Oh, man.

Back to training!

ADULT ADAM: My fate was sealed.

But little did I know,

there was a warrior still
out there fighting for me.

I demand you shut
down the karate club.

Woof! You're awfully worked up.

Must be a handful at home, huh?

- You think?
- You do realize

Adam shouldn't
even be in this club?

You know, there's gonna be
teachers and mats and referees.

This is literally the easiest
way for Adam to take on a bully.

Well, then, you
leave me no choice.


I am entering the
karate tournament.


No, you're an adult.

Oh, yeah, that's right.


ADULT ADAM: But Mrs. Mom-yagi
had one more move up her sleeve.

Thanks to her, I'd fight someone

she could easily
bend to her will.

Welcome to the Huntington
All Valley karate club!


First match, Adam F.
Goldberg vs. Big Tasty.

I don't remember arranging
that, but it's on the big board,

so let's do this!


Mama, did you do this
wonderful thing for me?

I'm always on your side, boopie.


Take him out.

Are you telling me
to sweep the leg?

If he wins, he has to face
the other Adam Goldberg.

I want my schmoo
out of commission.

But then I'll get disqualified.

Show no mercy.

You hear me? Sweep the leg.

Wait, why did Mom
yell, "Sweep the leg"?

- Eh, no reason.
- Sweep the leggy.

Are you gonna sweep my leg?

- Eh.
- Sweep the leggy, sweetie.

You are! You're
gonna sweep my leg!

Sweep the leggy!

Do not sweep the leg!

ADULT ADAM: There was no way Barry
would listen to my mom and sweep the leg.

- Leg sweep!
- Ooh!

ADULT ADAM: Balls! He swept
my leg! He swept it but good!


Disqualification! Adam F.
Advances to fight the other one,

if he can ever walk again.


(GROANS) He did
it! He swept my leg!

How could you let this happen?

I'm sorry. I had a brilliant
plan to get you a little bit hurt

so you wouldn't have
to fight the other Adam

and get very hurt.

That is so...


I'm gonna hug your body!

(GASPS) Hug it.

Hey, your leg's better.

Yeah, it was just a kick.

Barry usually hurts
me way worse.

Yesterday he threw
me out of a tree.

Okay, well, this, uh, faking
your way out of this fight,

it'll be our little secret.

Shh. It's Dad.

Hey, Dad. Bad news.

Got my leg swept.

Fight's off.

But thanks for finally coming
to one of my school things.

Looks fine to me.

Well, let's not dig too deep.

The point is my baby is safe.

Listen, I want to
tell you a story.

Forget it! I don't want to hear

how you bopped
a bully in the nose!

Adam, I was the bully.

I was an unhappy kid, and
I took it out on other people.

And you know when I stopped?

When a kid was brave
enough to bop me back.

I thought you could be that kid.

I guess I was wrong.

moment, my dad made me realize

I could no longer run and hide.

And that day, my sister realized
she couldn't hide the truth.

She knew in her heart she
didn't want to be the bad guy.

As hard as it was, she did the one
thing she thought she never would.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I'm sorry, Geoff.

I thought being with you was
the only thing that mattered,

but now I'm not so sure.

But we're supposed
to be together.

Not this way.

We don't want to start our
relationship by hurting someone else.

Then when?

Not until it feels right.

(SIGHS) I'm such an idiot.

I've known you for 10 years, and
the timing has never been right.




(SINGING) I am a man
who will fight for your honor...

Where are you going?

Dad was right.

It's time to stop running

and face the other Adam
Goldberg once and for all.

But you can't. You
have a slight limp.

If Daniel-san can fight with
a messed-up leg, so can I!

Daniel-san also had
his sensei by his side.

And so shall you.

Uncle Marvin, you came!

I wasn't about to abandon my
star pupil in his time of need.

Also, Bevy, I need
to borrow $8,300.

More on that later.

Let's focus on that leg.


He's gonna use the ancient
wisdom of the Orient to save me.

What? Oh, no, I
was just trying to

think of a way for
you to win this thing.


I got nothing.
You're a dead man.

BEVERLY: Out of my way.

Look, Schmoo, all I ever
wanted to do was protect you,

but maybe this time

protecting you actually
hurts you in the end.

Does that mean you're
okay with karate club?

Oh, God, no.

I'll never stop
worrying about you.

But this is your battle.

And if you need to
fight for your honor,

then you fight with
everything you've got.

I will, Mama.

a man, my delicious little baby boy.

(SINGING) I am a man
who will fight for your honor

Last chance to give
up, Gold Nerd. Ha!

Know what, other Adam?

I've had enough of this!

Who cares about
marketplace confusion?

We're not that important!

No one gives a
crap about us but us!

Let's do this!

ADULT ADAM: Yep, it was
time to go get my ass kicked

in front of everyone.

Yeah, here's the thing.

I technically don't
know how to, uh,

- fight.

What? But you said you did.

It's called acting, bro.

I was certain you'd wuss out.

Really bit me in the ass here.

This is horrible!

We're gonna embarrass ourselves
in front of the whole school.

I know. It's like a nightmare
version of Karate Kid.

Wait, you saw the movie?

I thought you hate
big studio fare.

Eh, after I read your
review, I gave it a shot.

You're an okay writer.

Not good enough for books.
Maybe sitcoms or something.


Look, I... I really am sorry
about all the confusion.

Truth is, I'm a huge
fan of your work.

I've always looked up to you.

I just want to be friends.


None of this changes the fact
that we're about to bomb out there.

Wait a minute, we
both do school theater,

we both know stage combat,
and we both know Karate Kid.

- So?
- So what do you say

we go out there and give
those people a real show?

It's show time!

- I mean... Ahhh!
- Ahhh!

- Hyah!
- Ah!

All right, the moment
we've been waiting for.

Due to injury, the
winner by default...


Adam Goldberg's gonna fight?

Adam Goldberg is gonna fight!



Try to be best 'Cause
you're only a man...

Take your bows. Fight!

ADULT ADAM: And so the
other Adam Goldberg and I

acted out the final scene
of Karate Kid perfectly.





- Ahhh!

It was an epic performance filled
with fake punches and flying kicks.

And it was awesome.

(SINGING) You're
the best around...

I'm okay. I'm okay.




- Put him in a body bag, Adam!
- Which Adam?

Uh, either one.

You ready for your big finale?

Our finale.


Here it comes.

No way.

Double crane kick?
It can't be done.



That's a tie.

Both nerds get to
keep their name.


(SINGING) You're the best around

Nothin's gonna
ever keep you down

You're the best around

Nothin's gonna
ever keep you down

You're the best around

Nothin's gonna
ever keep you down

He learned that move from me.


Oh, no! Don't hurt me!


He's coming in with
a right and a left.

MAN: Stop it, Barry. You
almost broke that light!

Wow, we're in a
real karate class.

This is gonna be so much fun.

I hear the sensei's
a really good guy.

Love exists in this
dojo, doesn't it?

ALL: Yes, Master!

Kindness exists in
this dojo, doesn't it?

ALL: Yes, Master!

Everyone is a special
winner in this dojo, aren't they?

ALL: Yes, Master.

And what do we study here?

ALL: Hug first, hug
hard, show mercy.

Hey, you're the best around.

Nothing's gonna
ever keep you down.