The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 19 - A Night to Remember - full transcript

It's prom night, and all three Goldberg kids have big plans, which go awry. Barry plans big romantic gestures for Lainey while Erica and Geoff try to go to prom together, but it doesn't go as planned. Meanwhile, Adam is thrilled when a nerdy but cute junior asks him out, but he is horrified when Beverly gets involved.

ADULT ADAM: Ah, school dances.

Back in the day,
nothing was better

than dressing up and getting
down with all your friends.

And the king of
them all was prom,

a magical night everyone
wanted to remember forever,

but no one wanted to make
it last more than my big bro.

Hello, Father.

I come to you today with
a life-and-death request.

Why do you look like a
department store pianist?

You're a department
store pianist!

No! Sorry. Let me start over.

As you know, next
weekend is prom.

It is literally guaranteed
to be a night to remember.

That's the theme, and
I take it very seriously.

That's why you will
fully fund this venture.

Go away.

But you have yet to hear
the extraordinary details.

Me and Lainey begin the night

crossing the Delaware
River on a hot-air balloon.

- Go.
- Upon landing, 12 Clydesdales

will pull our bejeweled
carriage to school

on a path of freshly
cut white roses.

- Get out of my face.
- Tiki torches will light the way,

as 100 bald eagles
soar into the sky,

each carrying a poem
handwritten by a haiku expert.

- I'm begging you.
- That's when El DeBarge serenades us

as we destroy the
dance floor with our love.

I'm not paying
for an El DeBarge.

This all can come true
for a measly $22,000.

You are an insane person.
You're not getting a penny.

Mom! Dad isn't financially
supporting my prom dream!

Murray, give my baby
money for the prom.

We need a new roof,
not to balloon him to prom.

Lainey's graduating, and we
don't have that much time together.

I have to make
this extra-special.

I can't believe my
babies are growing up.

One's graduating, the
other's going to prom.

Thank God I still have
Adam to focus everything on.

Wait. What?

Don't worry, pickle.
It'll be wonderful.

We'll be together
morning, noon, and night.

(GASPS) Barry, please. Take
me with you in the hot-air balloon.

No way, bro. It
only seats three.

And I have a call in to Yo-Yo Ma

to do amazing yo-yo
tricks as we fly over the city.

- I'll give you 80 bucks.
- Deal!

Only one thing left
to do. Ask Lainey.

And I know the
perfect way to do it.


Lainey Lewis, will you
go to prom with me?

- Oh, God. What did you do?
- What any man would.

Show a terrified school
how much I love you.

There's no fire, is
there, Goldberg?

Only the one burning in my
heart for this sweet lady right here.

Damn it. All right,
everybody back to class!

- I hope you brought your wallet,

because the fire department
charges 80 bucks for false alarms.

No problem. I happen to
have that exact amount right...

(GASPS) Oh, no!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was prom
season, 1980-something,

and I was doing what
every other kid was.

Hanging up signs
for my missing cape.

If my cape went missing, I
would need answers, too.

Wait. You're into theater? Why
haven't I seen you in drama club?

I go to theater camp
during the summer.

Your dad will pay
money for that? Whoa.

Whoa again! You're
starting a sci-fi magazine?

My mom said I have to
pad out my college resume.

I also love sci-fi! (CHUCKLES)

I'm getting too
excited. Deep breath.

- I'm Adam.
- Jackie.

If you're interested, you
should write something.


Let's just say it's my
cup of Bantha milk.

Wow. I see the Force
is strong with you.

That deep Star Wars pull
didn't confuse and alienate you?

(GASPS) Amazing.

ADULT ADAM: It really was.
Nowadays, it's cool to geek out,

but back then, lady nerds
were extremely rare in my town.

I'm thinking for
our first issue,

we're gonna tackle
Lord of the Rings.

- Ever read it?
- Have I?

ADULT ADAM: I had not.

Have I?

ADULT ADAM: I really
hadn't, but this girl was perfect,

so lying seemed right.

I must have read it,
like, zero to 10 times.

- Talk about it at the meeting?
- It's a date!

It's not a date.

Well, a date as in "a moment
marked in my calendar".

I'm gonna go now.

ADULT ADAM: I had a date! Kinda.

All I had to do was
read Lord of the Rings.

How hard could it be?

- Turns out, very.

It was super-long and
boring, and made me mad.

Hey! Easy!

You could kill someone
with that dictionary.

It's not a dictionary, Pops,

even though it
has every word in it.

That's a reading book? Oh, my.

I met a girl, Pops. She's
older. She knows stuff.

An experienced lady, huh?
Now, this is where Pops shines.

How can I help you?

What do you know
about hobbits? Talk to me.

Give me your life wisdom
about the Shire. Now!

I don't know what that is.

I was talking about how to get your
arm around a dame at a picture show.

Oh, man. I got to read
1,000 pages. I'm screwed!

Why do I got to have a crush
on a girl with required reading?


my baby's got a crush!

I have a crush on my
baby having a crush.

I want every detail about
her. Talk. Now. Go. Tell me.

(GROANS) Okay.

Her name's Jackie Geary. We
got lots in common. The end.

I don't know a girl in your class
named Jackie. Who Jackie?

You don't know her
'cause she's a tad older.

An older woman?

No, no, no. My baby is
not ready for an adult lady.

Jackie's just a junior. She
barely has her driver's license.

She drives? Like some
25-year-old? Er, not happening.

You stay away from this speedy
girl and her creepy love van.

None of what you said is true.

She drives her nana's
old station wagon.

- What's the nana like?
- Stop.

Do you know what happens
in the back of a station wagon?

Mouth smooching
and adult hugging.

Now, get in bed for tucks. Boop.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
shut down my dream nerd girl,

Barry was still planning
his dream prom.

Five days till prom.

I don't want to
ruin the surprise,

but I hope you're not
allergic to horse hair.

Babe, I've been
thinking about this a lot,

- and I can't go to prom.
- What are you saying?

It's Erica. I can't
have a good time

knowing my best friend is
staying home all by herself.

That makes sense.

You're a good
person. I totally get it.

Wow. Kind of thought you'd go nuts
about this and get all kicky and punchy.

Well, dating you has made me a
more mature, stronger, better man.


You're taking my sister to prom!

Barry, are you even in this
class? I'm in the middle of a test.

You will do this, or I
will fight your father

in front of your entire family,
shaming your bloodline.

Dude, you know I'd love
to go to prom with Erica,

but our timing's
always been wrong.

It's just not meant to be.

Geoff, stand up.

You will take my sister to
prom, and you know why?

'Cause you need to bet
on love before it's too late.

He's right. In the end, we only
regret the chances we didn't take.

No one cares what
you think, Matthew.

But his inspiring words
are right. The time is now.

- (SIGHS) Okay. I'll give it a shot.
- Yes!

You won't regret being
my pawn, Geoffrey.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
super-late for my chem final. (EXCLAIMS)

that, Barry saved his prom.

Meanwhile, I was trying to rescue
my Lord of the Rings problem

in the shadiest way possible.

- Can I help you?
- God, nope.

Just browsing.

ADULT ADAM: But I wasn't.

I was there to buy
the most illicit thing

you could buy in a
bookstore in the '80s.

Cliff Notes.

before the Internet,

this was how we got away
with not reading a book.

Some dude named Cliff

summarized an entire story
into a little yellow pamphlet.

Hey, last-minute
book report, huh?

No. That's cheating.
I don't do that.

I need to read this
'cause I lied to a girl.

If I were you, I'd just tell
people you're cheating.

ADULT ADAM: But instead, I copied
from Cliff, and Jackie bought it big time.

Wow. This is awesome.

The way you
summarized every chapter.

You could totally sell this to help
people understand the book better.

It is a dense book,
some would say boring.

Not me. I'm just glad we
definitely have this in common.

It's working! His Cliff
Notes sham is working!

He'll blow it somehow.
Trust the process.

What strikes me
most are the parallels

between Lord of the
Rings and Star Wars.

Yes. He's steering the
conversation into his sweet spot.

I need to find new friends.

Hey! Our next issue should
be all about Star Wars.

Hmm, Star Wars is too
commercial for my taste.

Oh, no! She's beyond Star Wars!

This girl's way
too fast for Adam.

I think you're both very confused
about the concept of a fast girl.

You're right. We should
tackle the rest of the Rings,

- give the people what they want.
- This is the best, right?

I'll go start laying
out this issue,

- and also, we should go to prom!
- Excuse me?

Erm, I just blurted
that out, but I meant it?

- Oh, God. Prom is dumb.
- It is dumb, and I'll totally go.

- Really?
- Yes!

It's French bread
pizza day, Holmes!

- So, it's a date?
- I guess this time, it is.

(EXHALES) I'll wear my hair in
Leia buns. No! I'll wear braids.

No! I'll wear my hair
just like this. Bye, now.

- Enjoy prom, liar.
- This isn't my fault.

You're super-boned, dude.

Be less invested, Dave Kim!

lies scored me a date,

Erica was getting a
prom date of her own.

Hey, yo, Erica.

not who she wanted.

Yo, Ruben Amaro, Jr.

Thought maybe you'd like
to check out prom with me.

(GROANS) Okay. Why not?

Wow, you're really pumped
about this. Call you with the details?

Is there anything else
I really need to know?

- Guess not.
- Then we're done. Good stuff.

Erica Goldberg, will
you go to prom with me?

Oh, come on, man!

I literally just said yes
to Ruben Amaro, Jr.

But this was supposed
to finally work out for us,

- and now it can't!
- Duh!

Ugh! I am so frustrated with
how we suck so bad at this.

So bad!

So, you don't
want to go with me?

I mean, I'm in love with
another dude, so not really.

But don't worry.
You'll bounce back.

Okay. Awesome news.

I blew off Ruben, and
we're going to prom.

Oh, no!

- What? What did you do?
- He's going with me.

I was just using him to
make Johnny crazy jealous,

but now I can make you
jealous, too! This is so hot.

- What the hell, Geoff?
- You said you were going with Ruben.

That was four minutes ago!

I was sad and frustrated,
and she asked me.

She wouldn't take "no" for
an answer. She threatened me.

Strongly suggested.

Whatever. It just
isn't meant to be.

- I love you.

No. What?


Ruben Amaro, Jr.
Ruben Amaro, Jr.

Ruben Amaro, Jr.

- Please tell me we're not back on.
- Oh, we most definitely are.

Rent a tux, 'cause
we are locked in.

Erica! Erica!

- Great news!
- Don't even say it.

We are the worst! Carla, wait!

Hope you're ready for
the best night of your life.

No way!

This is what you get when
you don't call me back, Johnny!

Look, I really don't want to be
in the middle of whatever this is.

I'll tell you what this is.
Johnny's gonna fight you,

and I'm gonna feel so special.

Wait! What?

She's crazy, but she don't lie.

Pop your shirt off,
homeslice. Let's dance.

That's all I wanted,
was to dance!


Okay, so, I had a
heart-to-heart with Ruben.

Not right now, okay? I'm
about to fistfight over Carla.

Just forget it. Ruben!

Someone throw a freaking
punch! Fight over me!

- Fight over your prom princess!
- No!


That was so hot.

ADULT ADAM: It had been two
days since Barry pulled the fire alarm

in the name of love.

- So he did it again.

Barry, I told you I'm not going
to prom unless Erica does.

Funny you should bring that up.

Go on, Erica. Tell your best
friend all the latest gossip.

(GROANS) I'm going with
Ruben Amaro, Jr. It kinda sucks.

Okay, I'm a pretty confident
dude, but this is a lot even for me.

Doesn't matter. Still a warm
body to keep her distracted.

Actually, I just want to
stay home and watch Dallas.

I mean, this whole "Who shot
J.R.?" thing is really hanging over me.

Who cares who shot J.R.?

It was probably some
guy with a big hat.

Is there actually a
fire? I'm very scared.

This isn't about you, Dan.

This is about my girlfriend
making ridiculous excuses.

Fine! I don't want to
go to prom with you!

- There! I said it!
- What?

But it's the biggest
night of his life.

Exactly. We have the best
night of our lives, and then what?

I mean, three months from now,

I'll be off to college,
and you'll still be here.

But we agreed to make
the most of our time left.

I just can't keep pretending
everything is great

when there is a ticking clock
on my heart utterly breaking.

- What are you saying?
- I'm sorry.

I'm done making believe
everything will be okay.

I can't believe it.

My girlfriend just
broke up with me.

I know. We all know.

There were hundreds of
your judgy peers watching.

What am I gonna do?

Come on. Bring it in
for a two-person huddle.

Let Coach give you a
pep talk with his body.

- That's it.

You soak that rayon shirt
down with your boy tears

until you feel the
strength return.

Barry's love life fell apart,

I was trying to get through the
second Lord of the Rings book.

Got your jammies
all warm and toasty!

- Don't you knock?
- Why would I have to knock?

What have you got there?
What are you hiding?

Nothing. Just some light reading
material a friend suggested.

Is this "friend" the older seductress
you're making time with? (SCOFFS)

Let me guess, she's
got you hooked on

all those lusty
Danielle Steel novels?

- No. It's personal, okay?
- Oh, my God!

Why is there an impossibly
adorable tuxedo in your closet?

Okay, I was gonna tell you...

Jackie's either taking you to prom
or Monte Carlo for the weekend,

and neither are acceptable.

It's prom. And I
already said yes.

You are a little freshman
boy. I forbid you to go to prom.

- Mom, I can't cancel.
- Fine. I'll make you a deal.

Have her over for some cold
milk and homemade cookies,

and I'll get to know her,
make my decision then.

Finally. You're being normal
about this. I'll go call her.

ADULT ADAM: But, just like
Gollum, my mom was not to be trusted.

Yes, bring your precious
girl to me. Bring her.

What was that? I
heard a weird voice.

Not a voice. I coughed. (COUGHS)

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
invited my geeky dream girl over,

Barry was living a
nightmare after being dumped.

Hey, Bar. How you
holding up, big guy?

We, er, brought you your favorite jerky
and Hubba Bubba bubble gum soda.

I'm too sad to drink
gum, but I'll take the jerky.

This should tide me over until
Lainey comes to her senses.

Ah. I see what this is.

He's going through
the five stages of grief.

First stage is denial.

Wait, so once I get
through the five stages,

I'll feel perfectly fine again?

Well, yeah, but healing
takes a long time.

Let's do this, Matt Bradley.

What's the next stage
for me to race through?

I guess anger?


I'm very mad!

- Next.
- Bargaining?

Give me $5 for
this hockey stick.

That's not the kind of
bargaining I'm talking about.

- Do you want the stick or not?
- Sure?

Okay, great. Next stage.

- Next would be sadness.
- Pass. Next.

Er, I guess all that's
left is acceptance.

Great, 'cause I accept your gift

of this meat tube and
gum-flavored soda.

I kind of meant that you have to
accept that it's done with Lainey.

I will never accept that.

In fact, I'm gonna go
get her back right now.

That's 'cause you're
obviously still in denial.

- JTP!

- JTP.
- Yes!

You got to give the guy credit.

He always fights
for what he wants.

Yeah, he does, doesn't he?

And you know what?
So will I, damn it.

Erica Goldberg, will
you go to prom with me?

Dude! We covered this.

The universe doesn't
want us to be together.

I know, but then I think about the
most important night of the year,

and there's only one person
I want to spend it with. You.

What if there was a way
that we could keep our dates,

but still go together?

And how would we do that?

Double date. We
take the limo together,

we go to dinner together, we
even dance near each other.

So we go to prom
next to each other.

Suck on that, universe.

- Great. We'll pick you up at 7:00.
- This cannot go wrong.

- Oh, my God! Oh, no!
- Ah, teeth.

God! One day, this will work.

It's so nice to finally
meet you, Mrs. Goldberg.


Adam's told me
so much about you.

Like, for instance,
you're almost a senior.

Yeah, that's called
being a junior.

- Oh. Snickerdoodles are ready.

Squishy-tush, would
you get them for me?

I would, but these old hips
don't move like they used to.

That's what happens when
you get older. Am I right, Jackie?

Don't answer! I'll
get the cookies.

You two just sit here in
awkward silence until I get back.

- So...
- So...

What exactly are your
intentions towards my boy?

- Excuse me?
- Are they honorable?

Er... Sure.

Well, then let's lay
out some ground rules.

There will be no graphic
language or adult situations.

There will also be no smoking,
no joking, and no midnight toking.

"Tolkien", like the writer?

There will also be no
smooching, no prolonged hugging,

and no intimate horseplay.

Repeat it all back to me.

I think you have the
wrong idea about me.

Really? Then why is my little baby
suddenly hiding things from me?

- Hiding what?
- You tell me.

Ah-ha! (LAUGHS)

Oh, no. My secret brown bag.

Wait, er, where's the
tawdry fantasy books

with the top-heavy woman in
a peasant shirt on the cover?

Cliff Notes? You told me
you loved Lord of the Rings.

I'm sorry. I tried to read it,

but it's the longest book
about the shortest people.

But you wrote an article on

Tom Bombadil's influence
on the Council of Elrond.

Okay, I see I was
way off the mark here.

You seem sweet,
so, er, yes to prom.

I thought you were different,
Adam. But you're not.

You're just a liar.

How could you shine
a light on all my lies?

How could you?

Schmoo, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to do anything. I just...

I don't care! I
really like that girl.

I tried to read a boring,
million-page book for her.

Thanks for being
you and ruining it.

ADULT ADAM: I had lied to
the geeky girl of my dreams.

I knew the only way to win
her back was a grand gesture

that would show her how
sorry I was. Only one problem.

Mrs. Goldberg?

mom beat me to it.

I've come on behalf of my boy.

Er, what exactly
is happening here?

It's like that book Cyrano,

where his mom comes and
speaks on behalf of her son.

Okay, I've never read
it, but I know I'm close.

- Who's down there? What's going on?
- Oh, it's okay.

It's Beverly Goldberg, Adam's mom.
I'm just appealing to your daughter

to reconsider my son
as a romantic prospect.

Shouldn't your
son be doing that?

Well, she kind of caught him
in a lie, which is all my fault.

The point is, this
is what mamas do.

- Right?
- Mmm.

See, this is what I
wanted to show you.

The real Adam.

- Here he is as a one-eyed drifter.
- That's Snake Plissken.

- Oh, an adventure boy with a whip.
- Indiana Jones.

An underwater devil.

- Aquaman.
- See?

Adam would correct me, too.
You are totally made for each other.

I get the feeling you are right.

- Every Aquaman needs a Super Gal.
- Wonder Woman.

And she's from the
Amazon, not the deep ocean.

- Oh, baby, nobody cares but you.
- And my son.

It's so off-putting and cute.

- Ah...

Mom? Are you kidding me?

Boopie, where's your
jacket? It's cold out.

- I didn't have time to put it on.
- You're gonna get a sniffle.

It's really not that cold out.

You say that, but your
face is very flushed.

Could we not have
this discussion?

You know, if you're
not wearing a jacket,

you should at least
be wearing a hat.

- Mom.
- That's what happens

when you get all hot...

- Stop.
- Outside when it's cold.

- Stop.
- Think of horses.

- I'm begging you, please!
- You're gonna be in the hospital...

- Mom. Mom.
- With pneumonia, writing things

out on a chalkboard
because you can't talk.

- Stop.
- And then we're gonna have to have

- that whole discussion about...
- Oh!

"Do we take out Adam's tonsils?"

What the hell are you
doing at her house?


Just ignore everything
my mom said.

I swear I really am the
person you thought I was.

Except I really don't
get Lord of the Rings.

They just walk and
talk and walk more.

It's okay, Adam. Your
mom actually made it better.

For real?

So, you still want
to go to prom?

Is a nerf herder

Jackie, no one
knows what that is.

I do. She said "yes".

Oh, I'm so happy
this worked out,

even though you're
gonna get a head cold.

I'm so happy you're in no
way a threat to my baby.

- Look at those little pants.
- The little pants.

- I mean, big-man pants.
- Mmm.

- Very big man.
- MRS. GEARY: Big man.

PLAYING) Lying in my bed

Hey, your dad let me in.

Look, I really don't
have it in me to fight.

No. No, that's not why I'm here.

Get dressed. I'm taking you out.

I told you. I'm
not going to prom.

Neither am I. Look,
you were right.

I thought if I made
it a big, special night,

I wouldn't have to think about
where we're gonna end up.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

And that's why I decided to
make this a night to not remember.

We're gonna have
the most un-special,

forgettable, typical
night we've ever had.

I think that sounds perfect.

Barry won back his love,

my sister's plan for an
adjacent prom with Geoff

was a bust.

This was a great idea.

- This sucks!
- I know!

Screw it.

ADULT ADAM: In the end, the
perfect night isn't about where you are,

but who you're with.

Got to admit, this is way
better than some stupid dance.

Honestly, it's the prom
I've always dreamed of.

Me, too.

'Cause it's with you.

the thing about love.

Yeah, it's messy and unpredictable,
but when you find the right person

and get the timing
just right, it's magic.

And that's what really
makes a night to remember.

Babe, it really was
the perfect night.

Thanks so much for
not going overboard.

- It really means the world to me.
- Of course.

I got to feed the
meter. Be right back.

Change of plans.

You need to get these
giant horses out of here.

Where's my 80 bucks, bro?

- Couldn't resist, huh?
- What?

These aren't my alley horses.

- (EXCLAIMS) Get out.
- Let's ride the horses, Barry.

Awesome! I get the
one with the pretty hair.