The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 12 - Snow Day - full transcript

Back in the '80s,

there was nothing more exciting
than the chance of a snow day.

We all remember
the morning ritual.

You'd wake up at dawn, hop
out of bed at lightning speed,

rush downstairs, grab your
radio and pray to the snow gods.

The following schools are
closed in Montgomery County...

It's gonna happen.
I can feel it.

Shut up. You're gonna jinx it.

Please, God, if you
give us a snow day,

I promise I'll be a good
boy for the rest of my life.

Abington High, closed.
Germantown West, closed.



William Penn Academy, open.

- Balls!
- Why?

I'm back to being a bad boy.
This is on you, Mother Nature.

Sadly, we were that one
school that never closed for snow.

Abington High, closed.
Germantown West, closed...

- Please, please, please.
- Say it. Say, "Closed."

I will fist-punch the radio
if you don't say "closed."

William Penn Academy, open.

- Balls! Balls!
- I hate everything!

I'm a man of my word!

Ow!

Every time, it was
the same heartbreak.

Until the snow gods
finally showed mercy.

William Penn Academy, closed.



Wait. Am I still asleep, or did he
just say William Penn is closed?

He said "closed."
School is closed.

This is the best day of my life!

I feel so alive!

Yeah! Snow day means a full
day of snuggle time with Mama!

- Yeah!
- Get in here! Get it!

I'm so happy, I don't
have the will to fight her off!

Snow day! Snow day! Snow day!

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was snow day, 1980-something,

and my sister was
seizing the day.

- By sleeping through it.
- Aah!

Oh, good. You're finally up.

God! What the hell?

Someone was snoring
the day away, lazybones.

Mom, today is a day

that's been gifted to
me by the universe.

Please don't ruin
it by being you.

You only have one more
college essay left to write

and then you're done.

That has nothing
to do with snow day.

Of course it does.

You're physically trapped
in the house with me,

and all the roads
and stores are closed.

Yay! Let's get you
into Penn State.

No! Put away the word processor.
I am not writing my college essay.

Squishy, I can help
you. I read the topic.

"Describe a personal hero who's
changed the course of your life."

- Mom, stop.
- Let's brainstorm.

What makes a hero? Hmm.

Someone who's great
at crafting, matchmaking,

parming chicken or shrimp
or eggplant or meatballs.

Listen, I did write about someone
in the family, but it's a "he."

Yay! It's me! I am
he, and he is me.

Bevy, she clearly
picked someone else.

Perhaps a decorated war vet

who had a date with two
different Shirleys last night.

- That's right.
- Pops?

You picked the random old guy

who just hangs around
our house all day,

eating our smoked fish?

Choo-choo!

Next stop, Lametown.

Hey, I liberated an entire
country. I helped save lives.

Oh! Oh, sorry, I drifted
off to sleep there.

Okay, this turned ugly fast.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a full day of doing
nothing ahead of me.

I honestly don't see a world
where it's anyone but me.

But thank you for your service.

My mom would stop at
nothing to be Erica's hero.

Meanwhile, me and Big
Tasty started our snow day

with an epic cartoon marathon.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you two get into my
four-quadrant popcorn tin?

Relax. We were just sniffing it.

Stand up and show
me your fingers.

If I see any cheese dust,
you're both grounded.

Dust-free. You happy?

Dude, you're unbelievable.

Popcorn is the
snack of the people.

No. It's a snack for dads only.

I get one tin a year from my
armoire dealer in Cincinnati.

It's the only thing that
gets me through the season.

There are so many sad
things in that sentence,

but I honestly think the
winner is "Cincinnati."

Well, just keep your
hands off the tin.

That's it. End of story.

And the same goes for the
thermostat. Yeah, I see you two looking.

That's 'cause it's
colder in this house

- than it is outside.
- Yeah, man.

Can't you spare, like,
two more degrees?

If you two are so cold, go
out and shovel the walkway.

That ought to work
up a sweat, but good.

Murray Goldberg had
a lot of dumb dad rules,

but nothing equaled
his hard line on snow.

And no monkeying around
out there when you're done.

This weather is treacherous.

Oh, here we go.

Another lecture on the
dangers of cold weather.

I'm serious. It's
not safe out there.

You got frostbite,
avalanches and deadly icicles.

Icicles aren't deadly. They're
refreshing and delicious.

They're knives that can fall
from the sky at any moment.

Sky knives! They kill
a billion people a year!

- That seems high.
- Dad, come on. It's snow day.

Can't we at least go outside and
build one tiny awesome snow fortress?

Absolutely not!

You shovel that walkway
before it turns into ice.

And no forts. I mean it!

Naturally, we did the opposite
'cause forts are awesome!

Good job, dude.

I can't feel my fingers, but this
definitely was two hours well spent.

Do you think maybe we
should shovel the walkway a little

so Dad doesn't totally freak?

Yeah, we should.
After a quick expansion.

Quick's good. What
are you thinking?

I'm picturing a master bedroom

with an attached bath,
butler's quarters, a dojo,

one of those maze gardens,
all of the rooms from Clue,

an indoor basketball court.

A basketball court
inside a snow fort?

That's just the first floor.

The second level's
where the party's at.

Hot tub, sauna, fire pit.

You don't think that'll
create an awful lot of heat?

Yeah, once the word gets out.

Son of a bitch.

A fort?

I told you dumbasses
to shovel the walk!

Crap! It's Dad.

He's coming for
us. We're so dead!

You get your asses out of there

before that thing collapses
and traps you in an icy tomb.

Stay strong. We're
untouchable in here.

"Untouchable"? I'll
show you untouchable!

He's shimmying!

Oh, no! He's entering the snow fort!
I never thought this would happen!

Ah! I'm stuck!

I can't move my arms!
My arms are stuck!

How are your arms
stuck? It's snow. It's soft.

I'm wedged in! My
circulation's failing me!

I can feel it! I'm
gonna die in here!

He thinks he's dying.

Stop laughing! Stop
laughing at me right now!

Why are we hiding from
this man? Look at him.

These are my last breaths!
I can see my last breaths!

He's so scared and
vulnerable, and it's hilarious.

This is how it's gonna end for me.
In an icy igloo with you two morons.

- He's freaking out.
- Shut up and help me!

You got it, pal.

You're not trying to help me.

You're just playing with
my face to mess with me.

Dude, you push like this.

Stop!

As we continued to
mess with my dad,

my mom was
cleaning Erica's room.

Well, okay, she was
ransacking it like an FBI agent.

It was a desperate attempt
to uncover the person

Erica chose as her hero.

And then she found it.

Hidden in plain view behind
the circuit board of a Lite-Brite,

the piece of paper that would
change my mom's life forever!

Dad, I stumbled upon
something incredible

hidden in Erica's room,
and I need to tell someone,

but I can't because
she'll never forgive me.

Okay, you twisted
my arm, so here it is.

I'm Erica's hero. Me, baby, me!

Well, I'm glad this
worked out for you.

You know what this means, right?
I have succeeded as a mother.

Now, I know there were
times when I quietly wondered

if I had failed as a mother,
but now I know the truth.

Success!

Did it ever occur to you
that Erica hid that essay

so you wouldn't overreact
like you are right now?

Did it occur to you
that none of this matters

because I'm her hero?

Bevy, you snooped.
You broke her trust.

If I were you, I wouldn't
speak a word of this.

Obviously.

Erica will never, ever know.

And she wouldn't.
For 10 minutes.

- Suddenly, I'm up on top of the world -
What the... "A Daughter and Her Hero"?

- It should've been somebody
else - Oh, damn it. You know?

Know what?

That I'm your greatest
American hero?

No, that's not true.

Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air

I never thought I
could feel so free

For the record,

it is none of your
business who my hero is.

Who could it be?

Believe it or not it's just me

I take it back, okay?

I take back every
single word I wrote.

You think you can
just take it back

like a bathing suit
you've worn three times

with the tags tucked in?

- No way. I'm your hero.
- No!

Our history together will show I
think you're the absolute worst.

But now I'll forever know
how you really feel about me.

Which is, quote,

"Everything my mother
does, comes from her heart."

Stop using my words against
me! You are not my hero!

I read a document
that says otherwise.

God, you ruin everything!

And yet I'm your,
quote, beacon on the hill.

I resent you so much right now.

But yet you love me,
quote, more than anyone.

This is, quote, my
worst nightmare.

And it's my dream.

Like the song says,
I'm walking on air.

And I'm walking out.

As Erica's secret was out,

Barry and I were
launching a secret plan

that would change everything.

Young Adam, we
have been given a gift.

We have seen, with our very
eyes, the underbelly of our enemy.

- Dad?
- Yes!

The one who oppresses us
by ruling over the popcorn,

temperature and remote control.

He always makes
me watch Hee Haw!

Hee Haw, Barry!

We discovered something
new in that ice fort.

That Dad's vulnerable.

And when we mess
with him, it's super fun.

I agree. It was joyous.

But we're back in the
house now. It's over.

Or do we continue the good
times and laughter forever?

You mean mess with Dad

outside the whimsical
world of the snow fort?

Of course! Now we know
he's all bark and no bite.

I bet he doesn't even
think we're morons.

But that's his
hurtful catchphrase.

From this moment on, I say
we do the things that annoy him

and entertain us.

Like sitting in his chair

or leaving that last drop in
the orange juice container?

Damn right! It's a
snow day revolution!

And our first battle was this.

You two are grounded!
No telephone! No Atari!

No robits! Now get upstairs!

- Want to go sledding?
- Sure.

"Sledding"? Didn't you
hear what I just said?

Oh, we heard it. It's just... We're
gonna pass on the grounding.

What the hell just happened?

What happened was a revolution.

My brother and I were
in full rebellion mode,

and we were ready
to take it up a notch.

Bevy! Where's my
tin of holiday popcorn?

Looking for something? Mmm!
Flavored-corn deliciousness.

What have you done?

Looks like you're
not the only one

who can enjoy four types of
gourmet popcorn whenever he wants.

You better not have
touched white cheddar.

Oh, I touched the
white cheddar but good.

That quadrant was for dads only!

- Seriously, what's wrong with you?
- Yo, Ad-rock!

And then we went where
no Goldberg had gone before.

You chilly? I sure am.

Might as well just
crank up this bad boy.

Hey, you know no one
touches that thermostat.

It stays locked in at a
comfortable 63 degrees, no higher!

Eighty-seven.
Temperature of the rich.

Eighty-seven degrees? What
do you think this is, the sun?

We reign over the
thermostat now.

Okay, you saw me at a low point,

and now you're giving me
a taste of my own medicine.

So good. Sweet and savory.

Damn it, stop eating
all the caramel!

No can do.

You see, until now, your
main weapon was dad rage,

but that all changed when
your middle-aged body

corked up our snow tunnel.

Nothing has changed, nothing.

Oh, it has.

We went into that snow
fort as scared boys,

but we emerged as fearless
men who now find your anger silly.

Fine. You don't want
to respect me? I'm out.

I retire from being involved
in your lives in any way.

Trust me, there will be a time

when you come to me in
desperate need of your dad,

and I won't help you.

Our snow day
rebellion had worked.

The balance of power
had shifted in our house,

and we were kings!

Dear God. You were right.

We can mess with Dad
out of the snow fort, too.

I feel so alive and
sweaty from the heat!

This must be what the other
Adam Goldberg in school

feels like all the time.

He's a loose cannon,
and lives on his own terms!

Dude! Now we can
finally live our snow day

the way the gods
of winter intended it!

Car toboggan.

It combines the fun of water-skiing
with the treacherous danger of luge.

I like what I'm hearing.

Sit down and hold on

'cause I'm gonna drive
fast and take chances.

Snow day!

Life without a dad rules!

As we set out on our
fatherless snow day,

my sister was doing everything
she could to avoid our mom.

Mom isn't down here, is she?

I haven't felt her looming presence
in over an hour, so you're safe.

Thank God.

That woman finding
out that she's my hero

is the worst thing that's
ever happened to me.

Speaking of heroes,

have I told you about all
my rich life adventures?

Yes, many times.

I bet you didn't know
that after the army,

I joined the USO and
entertained the troops

with a death-defying circus act.

I need help, Pops,
not your old-man yarns.

They're not yarns! I trained
a lion. His name was Stan.

There you are, boopie. I
need your fashion expertise.

Which iron-on should I
put on my purple jumpsuit?

Me, as the wind beneath your
wings or we're two peas in a pod?

Hmm. I pick none.

Well, you got to pick one

so we can wear 'em on
our ski trip this weekend.

Let's be clear, I am
going skiing with Lainey,

and also 10 boys
who I know a little bit.

And your hero. I'm sure
you want me to tag along.

In what world does
that make sense?

If Barry went on a ski trip,

he'd want to bring
his hero, Chuck Norris,

and Adam would definitely
want to ski with Crispin Glover.

So, it makes perfect sense that you
would want to bring your hero. Me.

Okay, weird Crispin
Glover doesn't ski,

and Chuck Norris
likes a desert climate,

so you're not going!

I get it.

It's embarrassing having
your mom as your hero.

But don't worry, I can be cool.

Hang with the hunkos
in the bubbly tub

with my ski gogs on.

Oh, my God. I don't... Even
know how to respond to that.

I know! It's gonna be great!

Just like when we
carpool to school together

so we can have
a little gossip time.

I just can't...

And I'm gonna take you to my
Friday-night scrapbooking club

so you can see how
your real hero cuts loose.

Decoupage.

So, let me get this straight.

You being my hero basically
undoes everything good in my life?

We're gonna be slope sisters. I
got to go bedazzle my ski boots.

Ugh!

Thinking you should have
picked a different hero?

One who's literally put
his head in a lion's mouth?

Wait a minute. You're right.

I chose to write about Mom,

so I can just write
about someone else.

Now we're talking.

I'll write about myself, how I
survived my crazy "smother"

and became my own hero!

At this point, very
little surprises me.

Thank you, Pops!
You are my hero!

I mean, for giving me the
idea to write about myself.

You bet.

Oh, man! That was awesome!

I know you don't have your
license, but it's your turn to drive.

Adam?

Huh.

Turns out we would need our
dad... Just way sooner than expected.

Fancy meeting you here.

Good to see you're keeping
warm on this wintry day, Father.

Bup-bup. Not the dad.

Hilarious as always.

Speaking of funny stuff,

do you recall when you
told me there would be a time

I'd come to you in
desperate need?

Well, that moment
is now upon us.

Are you kidding? It's
been, what, 20 minutes?

Time sure does fly, doesn't it?

Well, whatever
you did, it's on you.

Yeah, you're teaching
me a lesson about respect.

Noble goal.

In return, I'd like to teach you

the highs and lows
of car tobogganing,

the recreational pastime
that's sweeping the nation.

What did you do?

I lost Adam.

Get my pants.

There's my little typer monkey.
What you click-clacking about?

Got more to write
about your hero mama?

Oh, just making a few tiny
tweaks to my college essay.

Tweaks?

Can't believe it gets
much better than that.

Oh, it's better.

My first tweak was when I, like,

threw the whole thing
out and started over.

- What's that, now?
- Yeah, my new essay

is about my inner hero,

and how I overcame the
greatest obstacle of all.

Me?

- It says I'm the obstacle?
- Yep.

- And ruiner of dreams?
- For sure.

- Strangler of hope?
- Yep.

A vampire draining
your human sprite?

Oopsie, that is
supposed to say "spirit."

Good eye.

Oh. This is about me
going on the ski trip.

Okay, how's about I just sit it out?
Just... Please, don't send this in.

And print.

Please, stop that
horrible printing sound!

I wish I could,

but I pressed the button,
and it can't be stopped.

It can if I drown it out.

The blending stops
when the printing stops.

You can blend all you want,
lady, but I'ma print all day long.

Beverly, Adam is lost in
the snow! It's an emergency!

I can't hear you.
I'm proving a point.

My sister had finally
finished her new college essay

about heroically triumphing
over her "smother,"

but my mom had one
last trick up her snowsuit.

- Where are you going?
- Out.

Where? All of
Philly's shut down.

I'm gonna snowshoe
over to the Dress Barn

and see about their
annual blizzard sale.

"Blizzard sale"?
That's not a thing.

Eat my dust, sucka.

Penn State's gonna
know I'm your hero.

Wait! Get back here!

But their race to the
mailbox didn't go as planned

because we forgot
to shovel the driveway.

No! Do not take that to
the mailbox. Don't you dare!

It's too late. You'll
never catch me!

Get back here!

And so began the
slowest high-speed chase

in Goldberg history.

I wrote a better,
more hurtful one.

Those stupid sons of bitches
at Penn State will never read it.

Not if I beat you to
the mailbox, old lady.

Ha! I'm pulling ahead!

No, never!

- Oh! Oh!
- Aah!

You are not my hero!

No! Erica, that's all I
had left, and you ruined it.

Mom, it's just a
stupid college essay.

Why make this the
biggest deal in the world?

That essay was the only proof I had
that you still want me as your mom.

Come on. That's not true.

Every day, you roll your eyes at
me, and you tell me I ruin your life.

And I know you're a teenager,
and that's how it goes,

but it hurts.

And then I read this essay.

And it was just
nice to be reminded

that you still think nice
things about me sometimes.

Look, even though you have
real impulse-control problems,

and you threw me
down on a sheet of ice,

you shouldn't need some essay
to know that you really are my hero.

- What was that?
- You're my stupid hero, okay?

Look at what's happened to me...

I know I don't say it, but I
would be lucky to grow up

to be as strong and confident
and passionate as you are.

- Suddenly I'm up on top
of the world - Oh, sweetie,

you already are
all of those things.

It should've been somebody else

- Believe it or not, I'm
walking on air - I'm your hero.

I never thought I
could feel so free...

- Dad?
- You okay?

You were right. Snow
is nature's weapon.

I kind of hurt my ankle.

Come on. I'll get you home safe.

Believe it or
not, it's just me -

You're gonna yell at us
when we get home, aren't you?

- Oh, yeah.
- Good.

That's the thing
about your heroes.

Even when we say we don't need
them, they'd still have our backs.

But every once in a while,
heroes need a little love, too.

Or at least a reminder

of why they were so
important in the first place.

I think this belongs to you.

So does this.

I melted a Butterfinger
on some Jiffy Pop.

Consider it our apology.

You know, 'cause you're
the dad and we like it that way.

If you need us, we'll be
shoveling the walkway

like we should have
done in the first place.

And with that, our dad was
back to being our dad again.

But that snow day,

he realized there's much
more to being a father

than enforcing the rules.

- Hey!
- You snow babies gonna fight back?

Believe it or not

So, yeah, our snow
day didn't go as planned,

but turns out, it really was
the day we'd always hoped for.

Take that, old man!

Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air

Oh, good. The
walkway's shoveled.

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh! You're gonna
be one sorry Schmoo!

And that night, even
though it was freezing outside

and we were lobbing
balls of ice at each other,

we played in the snow
as a family for hours.

Believe it or not, it's just me

Because in the end,
nothing keeps you warm

like being around the
people you love most.

I have off school
today, for it had snowed.

The trees have frozen over,
and there's icicles everywhere.

Yeah, we're live here.

Ugh! I am so glad I'm finally
done with that college essay.

You know, sweetheart,

it's not too late to
write about a real hero.

Ship's kind of
sailed at this point.

That ship might
circle back to port

when you take a gander
at some circus adventures

after the war.

Oh, Pops, you don't
have to make stuff up.

You'll always be a hero to me.

But I spent four
hours digging this up...

Ah, damn it. She's gone.

And there they are,
folks, stretching it.

You handsome devil.

All right! Come
on down and see it!