The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Agassi - full transcript

Back in the '80s, me and
my best friend Chad Kremp

were budding Spielbergs.

We were so into making movies,
we even had our own company.

Chadam Productions,
Turtles, take one.

Yep, we'd been making movies
together since we were kids.

Our dream was to grow up and
be famous filmmakers together.

Nothing would stop
it, or so I thought.

Sorry, dude. I can't
make a movie today.

I got tennis practice,

and then I'm going out
for burgers with Alicia.

Come on, our home
movies always come first.



You know the saying,
flicks before chicks!

Sorry, bro.

Oh, my poor sweetie.
I'll be in your little movie.

No. Stop right there.

Happy birthday to you

Because I didn't
want this to be my life,

I had to find a way to get
Chad back into movies.

Today we are seeing
the most important movie

of our generation, Quicksilver.

Sorry, man. I got
tennis practice today.

But it stars the always
reliable Kevin Bacon

as a big-city bike messenger

who uses his wheels and
his wits to escape danger.

That doesn't really
sound like my kind of thing.



Of course it's your thing!

It's a hard-core sports movie.

Delivering mail by
bicycle is not a sport.

Shut up, Dave Kim!
Come on, Chad.

The only reason
to see Quicksilver

is to talk crap about Quicksilver
after you see Quicksilver.

I can't do it alone.

Yo, guys, you coming or what?

Sorry, Ad Rock.

In that moment, I realized
there was only one way

to reunite with my best
friend, do the unthinkable.

All right, everyone,
meet your new teammate.

Kid's got zero experience, but
he makes up for it by showing up.

Hi! I'm Adam.

Pumped to play some tennis,
but I hear it's a real racket.

Yeah, that's what
I bring to the table.

Ah, yikes, off to a
rough start. All right.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

It was Valentine's
Day, 1980-something,

and everywhere you
looked, love was in the air.

Check it out. I robbed
a bank for you, baby.

I love it.

I'm so sorry I haven't
stolen anything for you yet.

It was a day for
teenage romance.

Unless you were my sister.

You stupid sheep are slaves
to this corporate holiday!

Huh!

But not this girl. I walk alone.

So completely alone.

She had given up on love after
losing out on Geoff Schwartz.

- Hey, sweetie. How are things?
- So good.

Do you have any ranch dressing
I can pour into this chip bag?

- Like, on me, in the hallway?
- Just give me the ranch dressing!

I don't have ranch dressing!

Look, you can't get so depressed
over Valentine's Day, okay?

I mean, Barry hasn't
gotten me anything,

and I couldn't care less.

Dear God, I see puppies!

Lainey Lewis, how I feel about
you is more than puppy love.

I doggone adore you.

I recognize this is bad timing.

Aww. Mmm!

I'm actually jealous of my
brother and his girlfriend.

This is a new low.

- Hey, Erica.
- Geoff!

Wow. This is so thoughtful.

He really is. Aren't
I the luckiest?

Yes, you are,
'cause you're dating,

so obviously the
wonderful bear is for you

'cause that makes too much
sense, and they're gone.

- Who has ranch?
- Okay, we need to help that girl.

This sounds like a job for the
bodacious guidance counselor

that all the kids
adore and respect.

First of all, your constant
lurking is really jarring.

Can't a guy stand
around teenagers,

waiting for some juicy
gossip, without being judged?

No. And secondly,

I don't think Erica
will listen to any of us.

Oh, don't worry. Old
Glascott is a professional

and knows exactly
how to handle this.

Right this way, Erica.

The make-your-own-s'mores
buffet is in here.

Oh, God, what is this?

There's no
make-your-own-s'mores buffet.

I lied. Have a seat.

Okay, what the hell is going on?

This is called an intervention.

It's a new craze
sweeping the nation.

I read a pamphlet
and everything.

I've been intervening
in her life for years.

It's so exciting to finally do
it in a professional setting.

We've all come together to say
that we want the old Erica back.

Yeah, we want the Erica
from the last three years.

You know, you were so
confident and talented.

But this year, you're weak
and sad and boy-crazy.

Thank you for that
honest assessment,

Barry's interchangeable friends.

- Ouch.
- Yeah, no, I get it.

Look, Erica, these
boys care about you.

We all do, which is
why we wrote letters

to make this easier
to say. I'll start.

"Dearest Erica, I
miss your singing."

- That's it?
- Yeah, I don't really know her.

Look, I manage 600 kids, okay?

You're up next, big fella.

Erica, I was at work
when your mom called me,

and I fought through
traffic to get here,

and what I'm really trying
to say is, what is this?

Oh, Murray, you're not helping.

I know I'm not helping
because I don't know what this is.

What your father
is trying to say

is we want the old Erica back,
the one who'd fight with me

and sneak out and
steal my credit card

and buy wine coolers
and blame it on a hobo

who lived in our walls.

I miss your fire and
your passion. We all do.

- So, what do you say?
- I say...

Later, turds.

Well, my first
intervention was a bust.

Well, we tried your
dumb thing, Andre.

Looks like the only person
who can fix Erica is me.

- Oh, God, no.
- This is bad.

- Don't do that.
- Why am I here?

Well, that settles it.

It's time for the mother
of all interventions.

A mothervention!

Damn it, that's good wordplay.

Okay, she's got to
get involved now.

Is this done yet? Can we go?

My mom was dead set on
bringing Erica back to her old self.

Meanwhile, I was ready to
bring back Chadam in a big way.

This is gonna be awesome.

Yeah, uh, since when
do you play tennis?

I don't. Good news is,

you can teach me when
we're doubles partners.

- Wait. What?
- Chadam's back, baby!

Ahhh! Oh!

Sorry, I've never been
this close to sports before,

but it's gonna be fun.

Except it wasn't.

It turns out, tennis
is super hard.

Do over.

Sun was in my eye.

Can you hit the ball slower?

Oh, hold on, my
shorts are riding up.

Wait! My glasses are fogged!

I'm really good at
Nintendo tennis.

As I fell apart on the court,

my mom had the perfect
way to cheer up Erica.

What have you dragged
me to? What is this place?

Only the happiest place
in the world. The disco.

- This place is sadder than I am.
- Oh, it's just early.

Listen, back before I realized

that my ultimate joy
was having babies,

my gal pals and I
had a place we'd go

where we would just
groove the night away.

It was packed with people
just having the time of their lives.

Mom, look around. Disco is dead.

Oh, poop! I think I would've heard
if a whole genre of music had died.

Excuse me, sir.

What time does this place
explode into a disco inferno?

When all the two-faced
schmucks of this world admit

that it's the music
that shaped America!

- I think that's jazz.
- It's disco, fool!

The angry weirdo is right.
Time to boogie the night away.

And boogie she did.

What happened next was a
Beverly Goldberg disco inferno.

She burnt up the dance
floor with the funky chicken

and also this,

and that,

and whatever this move is.

I think it's called the
Embarrassing Mom.

Whatever it's called,
it was bad. Really bad.

Come on, just
dance for one minute.

You'll forget all your worries
and be normal, happy Erica again.

If I disco for one second,

then can we leave
this glittery hellscape?

Deal.

But despite it all,
my mom was right.

- Whee!
- It took a little convincing,

but once Erica was on the floor,
the music took care of the rest.

- Whoo!
- Yes!

- For half a hustle.
- Boom!

Oh, my God! Are you disco-dancing
with a teacher on Valentine's Day?

- What? No. She's my mom.
- That's even sadder.

Hey, you guys are
at this lame place, too.

Uh, that's only 'cause they
sell cheap beer to minors.

Whoa. Are you guys underage?

Nope, I'm 27 according to
my commercial trucking license.

Don't look at the picture.

I lost a bunch of weight
and got less Asian.

- We're cool.
- Hey, kids.

Why don't you quit your yappin'
and take a trip to funkytown?

Would you stop that?

I can't. I'm all funked up.

While my sister tried
to escape my mom,

I was ready for some
quality time with my bestie.

- Tennis, man. You know, tennis.
- Yeah.

And the best part, this
thing. It's like Pac-Man.

Wakka. Wakka-wakka-wakka.

Adam. Adam, please.

Listen, I'm thinking...

We shouldn't be doubles
partners anymore.

Oh, wow.

This is unexpected.

- Is it me?
- No. It's me.

- I can do better. I can change.
- I don't want you to change.

Just tell me the kind of
partner you want me to be,

and I'll just be it.

I just need a break
from doubles. All right?

I need to focus on
being single for a while.

Okay, I don't want to
force being partners.

But when you're ready,
I'll be here waiting.

Chad is doubles
partners with Dave Kim?

That is not single behavior.

Coach Mellor.

Please tell me you forced Chad
to be partners with Dave Kim.

Quite the opposite,
Goldfarb. Chad came to me.

Made me swear to
keep it a secret, too.

Something about feelings
and friendship, I don't know.

I'm not your "remembering
things" secretary, Chad Kremp!

That snake is cheating on
me with my mortal enemy,

who is actually a great
guy and another friend.

I sympathize. Tennis
is a lot like marriage.

It's long, and it's boring,

and eventually, she leaves
you for a handsome Latin man

who was just supposed
to re-tile your bathroom.

Well, there's only
one thing left to do.

I become the best tennis player
this school has ever known,

and I need your help to do it.

Damn it, Goldfarb.

As a coach, I took a blood oath
never to let a student-athlete fail

if he's got drive and desire,

which is exactly why I'm
gonna get into my Ford Festiva

and pretend you never asked.

I will be top seed!
I'll show you!

I'll show Chad.
I'll show everyone!

Come on!

That almost bonked me
in my shin. Not cool, guys!

It had been one day
since the disco disaster,

and all Erica wanted to do was
hide from everyone in a dark theater.

Or not.

Erica?

Six, seven...

Yeah, that should be
enough seats for all my friends.

Oh, Geoff and Evy?

You're here seeing
Quicksilver? Me too!

I'm just waiting for Lainey
and the rest of the gang.

- Cool.
- Fine! I'm all alone!

I'm hiding out watching a
crappy Kevin Bacon movie

- about bicycles, all by myself.
- Are you okay?

This is the second time I've
seen this movie today, so no.

Geoffrey, why don't
you run and get Erica

one of those
extra-large KitKats?

I've noticed sweet treats

have been the one friend
she can count on this week.

Geoff to the rescue.

Well, well.

Who knew I'd spend
Valentine's Day

with the woman who
tried to snake my man?

Yeah, I'm sure this is
a great moment for you.

Honestly, it's not.

I mean, I should be gloating,

but you're very sad.

It just makes me
want to hug you.

Oh, God, no! Don't hug me!

We're enemies. You're
supposed to fear me.

Sweetie, not anymore.

Now I just want you to be okay.

Evy's pity was the last straw.

In that moment, my sister knew

she had to get back
on the bike again.

It took a shower, a trip to
Benetton, and two hours of crimping,

and Erica was officially
back to her awesome self.

Oh, there she is. My
beautiful baby is back.

Back from where? How
much did it cost me?

Murray, pay attention.

What, were you at dance camp?
Something to do with music?

I know it hits me in the pocket.

Let's just say that I finally
decided to make a change.

See? I told you. A little
disco can solve anything.

Thanks, Mom. You
really are a great...

Oh, bup, bup, bup! Don't
pull away. I'm still hugging you.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so glad I was able to
help you with your big comeback.

More than you will ever know.

As my sister was
returning to form,

I turned to the
greatest athlete I knew.

My brother.

Barry, my handsome and
powerful brother, I need your help.

Normally I'd punch you and walk
away, but I got to say, I'm intrigued.

I joined the tennis team,
and I need a doubles partner.

- Becoming bored.
- And I need your incredible gifts.

- Listening again.
- Since you dominated all sports,

I was wondering if you'd
help me seek revenge

on my best friend
on the tennis court.

Well, you're in luck

'cause I know everything
there is about tennis

because of the coolest
player on the planet.

He was talking about an
'80s neon-clad tennis God

who dominated the court
with monster serves and style.

Behold Andre Agassi.

The greatest player in
the world. You know why?

- Skill?
- Partly. But the other part?

A deadly combination of
splash, flash, and mullet!

A mullet can do that?

A mullet doesn't have a
boss. It takes no orders.

It's above the law!

- Like Steven Seagal.
- But Seagal has a ponytail.

Which is just a fancy mullet
tied with a rubber band.

Why aren't you writing
any of this down?

I really don't want
to put this to paper.

I just want you to
teach me some tennis.

As I will.

I'm basically Andre Agassi's
twin. I even got the hair.

- You definitely don't have the hair.
- Don't I?

Was that just lying around?

Lainey likes when I
wear it sometimes.

- Don't ask.
- Wasn't going to.

To the backyard!

Where I will hit balls at
you as you run for your life.

Move, move!

You stole my credit
card to pay for a party?

No idea what
you're talking about.

Uh, hello?

"Erica Goldberg's Valentine's
Day Disco is Dead Party."

Your name is right there.

Oh, that's the other
Erica Goldberg in school.

I'm Erica F. Goldberg.

No, that's Adam's stupid thing.

And nobody cares about his dumb
feud with the other Adam, anyway.

Mom, I swear. Look me in the
eyes. I would never lie to you.

There's the girl of the hour.

I'm RSVP-ing plus eight.

I'm bringing my stepbrother.
We just got him back from this cult.

He's so weird and cool.

Bro, everyone's
welcome at my party.

I am so angry
you don't trust me.

Okay, there is no world in
which I am going to allow you

to mock disco and throw
an underage booze party.

Hey, you wanted
the old Erica back,

the one who would fight you

and sneak out and
steal your credit card.

Okay, yes, those
were my words exactly.

- But I was wrong.
- Well, it's too late now.

I'm back, and there's
no stopping me.

- Credit card's canceled.
- What? No way! Run it again!

Believe me, nobody
wants this more than me.

You actually gave me hope
that disco was coming back.

But we both know it's not.

Please, don't send
me back to rock bottom.

I posted flyers everywhere!

Every kid from my high
school will be here tonight.

High school?

I mean, my dental office in a
big, adult building downtown?

- Get out.
- Here I go.

All right, everybody,
I want you to join me

in welcoming another
Goldberg to the team.

We're all very excited
to have you here

and also wondering what
the hell you're wearing.

The style of champions.

As my first order of business,

I challenge Kremp and
Kim for top seed doubles.

- What?
- You heard Big Tasty.

Prepare to get Agassi'd, sucka.

Sha-blammy! Coming in hot!

Finally got some
action around here.

You know it, Coach.
Time for me to rock 'n' roll.

Never surrender

In that moment, my
brother became Agassi.

He had the moves, the
attitude, the neon shorts.

He didn't just own that
wig. He owned the court.

Never say die

The only thing he didn't
have was the actual ability.

Question. Do we get extra points

for hitting the ball over
the administration building?

No, you do not.

Dude, you promised we would win.

The Nike commercials lied.
Tennis is surprisingly difficult.

I'll do better. Service!

Ow!

God!

My best friend had
officially betrayed me,

and I was determined to
beat him at his own game.

Unfortunately, my
brother sucked real bad.

Ow!

It's like the sixth
time you've done that.

It's like the more I
play, the worse I get.

- Coach, do we really have to do this?
- Hey, this is Chad's fault.

I only joined tennis 'cause
he completely bailed on me.

Forgive me for not
wanting to hang out with you

on a Saturday night,
making cheesy videos.

Fine. Chadam Productions
is hereby dissolved.

We are no longer the
Lennon/McCartney of home movies.

Only you care about that!

I'm going into the family florist
business like a normal person!

But we always said we'd go
to NYU film school together.

I didn't tell you about that
'cause I knew you'd just freak out.

And I was right.

Just serve and lose already.

- Out! Point, Kremp-Kim!
- Out?

You got to be frickin'
kidding me. It was in by a mile!

Ha! Nice one, McEnroe.

Just for that awesome
burst of passion,

I'm giving you the point.

What? That's not a
reason to change your mind.

Oh, it is. That's the kind of
competitive spirit we need on this team.

Dude. Forget Agassi.
Coach loves McEnroe.

Think you can keep spazzing
out in an embarrassing way?

I do believe that's
in my wheelhouse.

That is the worst call in the
history of tennis, jerk! Do better!

Let me explain how this works...

In. Out. In. Out.

Everyone knows in
the stadium that it's in,

and you call it out?

Turns out, Barry wasn't
the famous cool tennis star.

He was the angry, yelly one.

And it got to Chad.

Whoo!

This is insane! I
can't play this way!

Show some class, Kremp!

That's a point
for the Goldbergs.

You want McEnroe?
Fine, I'll show you McEnroe!

- Dude! Are you crazy?
- That's it!

Throwing racquets at
people is where I draw the line.

You're benched, Kremp! Keep
it up, and you're off the team!

Thanks a lot.
Some friend you are.

Knock-knock. Mama brought
you some feel-better snacks. Oh.

Looks like you're already
going to town on a pan of...

What is that?

I poured a whole bottle
of ranch on some noodles.

Look, I want you to be happy,

but you understand why I had
to pull the plug on your party?

Old me would've
gotten away with it.

Guess I'm just not the
girl that I used to be.

You are.

You almost threw the coolest party
of the year at an abandoned disco.

Disco's dead. Even
I can't bring it back.

Well, what if a certain
substitute teacher

misplaced a set of
keys to the school

so you could throw
your own disco inferno?

You would do that for me?

Oopsie-doopsie.

It turns out a mothervention
knows no limits.

Anything for you.

Within reason.

This falls in a very gray area.

Ooh-ooh, you can dance...

Sure, breaking into school
was highly questionable,

but it was also legendary.

Thanks to our mom,

the old Erica that everyone
loved was back for good.

- JTP!
- JTP!

And for one night, so was disco.

Disco is alive!

Diggin' the dancing queen

Well, you really did it.
You brought disco back.

Killer party, Erica.

My favorite part
is how illegal it is.

Nice to see you're feeling better.
Now, stay away from my man.

Turns out, not having the
Valentine she actually wanted,

made my sister's Valentine's
Day one she'd never forget.

Oh, my Lord! The students have
started a spontaneous dance party

without written permission.

We have to put a stop to this.

Not if it's supervised
by a teacher,

who's also showing them
some funky dance moves.

You know what? You're right.

Make a hole, kids. I got a
case of Saturday night fever.

No, I was talking
about me! Poop.

That's the thing
about growing up.

Sometimes you
need to hit rock bottom

to be able to dance
your way back to the top.

But like any journey, the
adventure is a lot easier

when you're not traveling alone.

You are the dancing queen

Chad, the weird boy from across
the street is here to see you.

The little one, not the one
who punched the horse.

Tell him I'm not home.

Tell him yourself.

Hey, I know we're
not friends anymore,

so I thought you'd want
some of your stuff back.

Here's your Cobra Rattler and
your Samantha Fox cassingle.

- So, is that all?
- Yeah.

Damn it, no! I wanted to see
you. I, like, miss you and stuff!

Then why were
you acting so crazy?

We had this big plan
since we were kids.

I just hate that we grew
up and everything changed.

Doesn't mean we can't
still be Chadam anymore.

But we're not. You're
gonna do flowers.

There is no Chadam.

Dude, we'll always be Chadam.

Even if you're in Hollywood
and I'm running a flower empire.

So, now what?

Maybe we make a movie?

I can't. I have tennis.

Huh?

Take one, Chadam Productions.

Take one, Chadam Productions.

People go around
buying Corn Flakes

because it's cheaper,
but now they buy...

Well, there is a
great offer now...

Corn Flakes, which we
call the original and the best.

Tennis, y'all. The
bad boy sport of kings.

Time for you to face my fury.

Never surrender

Never surrender

No more music!

Serve the damn ball.

Yeah, dude, it has been a
while. We should probably play.