The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Lucky - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: If you were
a girl growing up in the '80s,

the pajama party was a
night of epic adventure.

Okay, listen up.

This next decision is,
like, super important.

Okay. Do we watch
Adventures In Babysitting,

Pretty in Pink, or
Troop Beverly Hills?

ALL: Troop Beverly Hills.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Shelley Long has a
black belt in shopping.

It's very funny to me.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God. This
is so fun. I love you all so much.



(ALL SQUEAL)

(SINGING) Come on
down It's cookie time

ALL: (SINGING) It's cookie time

ADULT ADAM: Troop Beverly
Hills was the ultimate girl cult movie.

It had it all, songs,
shopping, and Shelley Long.

It's cookie time

It's cookie time

ADULT ADAM: My
mom loved it, too,

because the girls
were still young enough

to let her join the troop.

And even though
Erica and her gal pals

got older and cooler, they never
left their favorite tradition behind.

Just heard Mark McGonagall's
throwing a rager Saturday night.

He lets the girls
do keg stands first.



He's such a gentleman.

Or we do our annual
pajama party, make s'mores,

and recite every word
of Troop Beverly Hills.

Ugh, so lame.

- You know you're dying to do it.
- I am. Yay!

Oh, my God, this
is gonna be so fun.

Oh, my God, this
is gonna be so fun.

No. Take off the mom pajamas
and stop doing what you're doing.

Please let me be
your Shelley Long.

We'll call it Troop Beverly,
just like in the old days.

That's when we were too young to
know how unbearably annoying you were.

No offense taken. But come on.

Your pajama parties are
the only reminder I have

of when you were happy, tiny girls
and not Godforsaken teenage monsters.

Look at me, Mom. There is
no Troop Beverly anymore.

End of story.

Dude, did you hear that?

Your sister's having her hot
friends over for a lingerie party.

Pretty sure I heard "pajama".

Bet they're gonna
have pillow fights,

tickle fights, and other
fights we can't even imagine.

Easy, Dave Kim.
That's my sister.

We can hide your video camera
when they're having their party.

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

Again, that's my sister.

Dude, this is our one chance
to peek behind the curtain

and gain insight into
young womanhood.

Well, on one hand,

it's an unforgivable
invasion of privacy.

On the other hand, girls
are a perplexing mystery,

and filming them for
educational purposes

could provide
some helpful insight.

- Let's do it.
- Yes.

Aw, man. We're gonna be
the coolest guys in school.

ADULT ADAM: We were not.

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
November 11th, 1980-something,

and Barry and Pops just discovered
Willow Grove Mall had a new store.

Holy crap, puppies. They're
so fluffy and adorable.

They're like the
kittens of dogs.

Look. That one's falling
asleep while standing up.

I've done that.

Oh, not so fast.

Look, I don't want to
sound like your father,

but you can't go in there.

You're deathly allergic to dogs.

- Ugh! Why?
- I know, it's rough.

But I'll be at your
side in solidarity.

Ooh...

That fuzzy one just
sneezed. I'll see you in 10.

ADULT ADAM: My
brother's violent dog allergy

had always been a
source of great frustration.

But that day, the lure
of cute, cuddly puppies

was too much for Barry.

There's nothing to worry about.

This thin mesh
barrier will protect me.

ADULT ADAM: But as Barry stared
down into that pit of adorableness,

he lost his balance and
tumbled into furry danger.

Oh, God, no. Not puppies.

Hold your breath, Barry.

I'm gonna die. They're
so cute, but deadly.

They're gonna kill me.

Uh, kiddo, you
seem totally fine.

You're right. I am.

Get on in here, you.
I'm the puppy king.

Dad. You won't believe it.

- I'm alive. I'm actually alive.
- Ask your mother.

I spent the entire afternoon
in a puppy pit cheating death.

You always said the reason we
can't get a dog is 'cause of me.

Forget what happened
in the puppy pit.

That was a fluke.

- You are crazy allergic to dogs.
- Wrong.

My insanely strong immune
system has grown so powerful

that I'm no longer allergic
to anything on Earth.

- No. Stop. Don't think that.
- It's the truth.

I'll go outside right now and
roll in poison oak. You'll see.

I made it up, okay?

- You're not allergic to dogs.
- What?

The only reason I said that is
because when you were a kid,

you asked for one
every damn day.

Do you realize you've denied me
the sidekick I've always longed for?

I'm okay with that.

Do you know how many times
I had to play Frisbee by myself?

How many times I
got caught in a well?

Look, I got enough ungrateful
kids around here to take care of.

The last thing I need is an
ungrateful animal to take care of.

- Get me a dog.
- No.

- Get me a dog.
- No.

I'm gonna keep saying it until I
get the four-legged friend I deserve.

- Give me a dog.
- No. Stop asking.

It's not gonna happen.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- No.

- Give me a dog.
- Fine!

But if I say yes, promise
me you'll take care of it.

- It's your dog.
- Yes.

Now I'm not the only one in the
house who has to take his pill in cheese.

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
finally got his wish for a dog,

me and my crew were
getting our greatest wish.

Thanks to cutting-edge
VHS technology,

we would learn the
secrets of womanhood.

Okay. I just snuck a cable from
the bedroom to the basement.

Fingers crossed, boys.

Oh! Yes!

(CHEERING)

Okay, enough. Silence.

Dave Kim needs to focus.

It's happening.

Today we learn the
secrets of womanhood.

- This is the best moment of my life.
- I love you guys.

(SINGING) We're the
girls from Beverly Hills

One, two, three, four

Shopping is our greatest skill

(LAUGHTER)

What the hell? They're
just watching a dumb movie.

Come of age already, damn
it. Hit each other with pillows.

Okay, who wants
pizza... Oh, my God.

What is happening here? (GASPS)

Okay, I can
totally explain this.

Run.

You're grounded, Adam.
And I'm calling your mothers.

GIRL: Ooh!

- (MIMICS FARTING)
- (LAUGHTER)

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, my
mother realized she had found a way

into Erica's pajama
party, and into her life.

Ooh...

I'll just watch
for a little bit.

ADULT ADAM: And
she couldn't resist.

Should I do a loose crimp or
a tighter, more intense one?

Tight crimp. Tight crimp.

- Loose.
- Yeah, no, whatever.

Loose is good.

ADULT ADAM: That night,
my mom had the time of her life

being a secret
member of Erica's troop.

Three different girls, and
then he broke up with Heather.

Heather G or Heather S?

Hello, Principal Ball. This
is your butt doctor calling.

We found a problem.
Your head was up there.

(LAUGHS)

Tell him he's bald.

So, if you add a white line across
the top, it's a French manicure.

Well, don't I just look
like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Shi-shi foo-foo.

Um, Erica?

What's that?

Oh... (BLEEP)

Someone's dead.

Ow!

Who the hell...

Ow! Fudgy, fudgy, fudge.

Fudgy, fudge...

Are you spying on
our pajama party?

Before you say
anything, I got to know,

was it Heather G or Heather S?

I don't even know what to say.

You have never,
ever stooped so low.

I have. You just
haven't caught me.

Shut up and listen.

I've narrowed down
the exact breed of dog

that best matches my
personality and lifestyle.

Good morning to you, too.

Our dog will either be the
kind that looks like a sheep...

Sheepdog.

- A Cujo.
- Book, not a breed.

- A McGruff.
- That's a cartoon crime dog.

- Or a bear crossed with a poodle.
- Not possible.

Surprise, surprise. Look
who's back from the dog pound.

Wait. You got a dog without
me? It better be a grizzly-poodle.

Seriously. If it's not a
grizzoodle, I don't want it.

It's this thing.

Erica, come see how
sweet and not awful I am.

He's perfect.

He is a she, and you owe me
eight bucks for shots and gas.

Okay, okay. She needs a name.

From this point on, this animal will
only be known as Jean-Dog Van Damme.

No, wait. Arnold
Schwarzendogger.

No, wait. Dogvester Stallone.

No, wait. Lucky.

Erica, come meet Lucky.

It's a perfect name,
'cause she's so lucky

to live with a family that's
so loving and forgiving.

Getting a dog doesn't change my
mind that you're a garbage mom.

(BABY VOICE) But
that doesn't mean

I can't give this sweetie-petey
some lovey-wubbies.

Yes, I will. Yes, I will.

Everyone's happy
but me. Seems right.

ADULT ADAM: And so Barry
finally got his doggy sidekick.

Or so he thought.

There you are, girl.
Come on, it's time to train.

I thought we'd skip "sit"
and go to the important stuff,

like how to grind some
rails and solve crimes.

Will you be quiet? I'm
trying to watch the game.

Just take the thing and go.

(BARKING)

Whoa! Easy, girl.

Maybe you should just
give her a little space.

Please. Does that look
like the face of a dog

who doesn't utterly
worship her master?

(GROWLING)

Yeah, yeah. He's a
moron. Just settle down.

Ooh. That's nice and toasty.

You know, she's clearly tired.

(GROWLING)

Get some rest, Lucky.

I'll teach you how to karate chop
a board with your paws tomorrow.

Toasty.

ADULT ADAM: As my
dad warmed up to the dog,

Erica pulled out the big guns and
gave my mom the cold shoulder.

There's favorite daughter.
How was school, squishy?

Oh, now it's the silent
treatment, huh? Fine.

- I'll wait for you to come around.
- (DRAWER SLAMS)

Okay, look, I know
what I did was wrong,

but I had no choice.

You completely cut
me out of your life.

Invasive spy cams are all I got.

(DRAWER SLAMS)

Okay, this is ridiculous.

You forgive me right now

and let me hug your
body or you're grounded.

Okay. Now I'll talk.

If anyone here is
grounded, it's you.

You can't ground
me, I'm your mother.

I just did. You're
grounded from my life.

You're not allowed to
participate in it ever again.

You know what, I've had enough.

You want me out of
your life? You got it.

We'll see how you do
without me for a week.

You know that isn't
a punishment, right?

Oh, we'll see. And when
you come crawling back,

begging for your mother's
help and guidance,

we both know
what'll happen then.

- You'll scoop me up in your arms.
- And smother you with kisses.

Deal with that, sucka.

ADULT ADAM: It wasn't
like my dad to want a dog,

until he met the dog
that was just like him.

What the hell is Lucky wearing? Did
you make my dog an Eagles jersey?

- Sure did.
- You put effort into something?

Can you believe it? And
look what I put on the back.

Instead of Jaworski,
I put Paworski.

'Cause it has paws.
Because it's a dog.

Not cool.

(GROWLS)

Dad's turned the dog against
me. This was my dream, and...

Dude, what do you got there?

I'm making a dog puppet arm

for when Lucky needs to
grab stuff in my home movies.

I'm gonna make Turner
& Hooch, but watchable.

You can't direct Lucky.

Your terrible changing voice
will hurt her sensitive dog ears.

Besides, I can't even get her away
from Dad to play Frisbee with me.

This is bullcrap.

Dad hasn't turned
Lucky against you.

The dog just listens to him
'cause he's the alpha male.

- The what?
- The boss, numero uno.

Lucky has to follow
Dad. It's nature.

Nature is an idiot.
I'm number uno.

In Lucky's eyes, you're ranked
number four in this family.

- No way.
- Clearly Dad is one.

Pops is an elder, so
that makes him two.

I have a power
alliance with Pops,

so that puts me at
three and you at four.

Four? That's the copper
medal of the Olympics.

Only one thing left to do.

I shall challenge Dad to a
showdown and become the alpha.

It's okay, Barry.

Good Barry.

- Good Barry. Good Barry.
- Stop.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry
was ready to challenge my dad,

my mom was ready
for Erica to admit

that a few days without
her were impossible.

And there it is, the one
thing I know you can't resist.

My seven-meat meatloaf.
I knew you'd give in.

Thanks, but I'll eat at Lainey's.
Got to study for mid-terms.

Woof, must be tough
not having your mom there

to help you hit the
books this week, huh?

Actually, this week's
been pretty good.

Look into your heart
and tell me the truth.

No, you're right. This
week's been pretty great.

Stop.

- You haven't missed my back scratches?
- No.

How I lay on your sheets to
warm them up before bedtime?

God, no.

The love notes I write you
on the steamy shower door?

No.

The way I suck out
the pits of your olives.

No.

Just admit you learned your lesson.
Life is worse without your mama.

I'm sorry, but this week
has proven that I'm an adult

and I can take care of myself.

I don't have all the facts,

but I think this one
goes in the "lost" column.

This is the worst
thing to happen to me

since Adam learned to walk.

My God. I can't believe how
easy it is to sneak downtown

when you don't have
a mom in your life.

Yeah. Mine's been
gone since I was 12.

It's the best.

- So, where are the tickets?
- What tickets?

I thought we'd buy
some from a scalper.

Isn't that really,
really illegal?

Definitely.

Hey, dude, you got any tickets?

Yeah, 10th row
center. You interested?

- Hells yeah we are.
- Hells yeah you aren't.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

- You got ID?
- I do have ID.

- Is it a fake ID?
- You know what, just arrest us.

This isn't gonna get any better.

ADULT ADAM: As
Erica sank to rock bottom,

Barry was about to make his
move to the top of the heap.

Murray Terrence Goldberg, I
challenge you to feats of strength.

Terrence?

Do you actually think
that's my middle name?

Silence.

Prepare to engage
in a wrestling match

so the dog can bear
witness to my true dominance.

Put on this Mexican
fighting mask.

- No.
- Then take off your shirt.

I'm not gonna wrestle
you with or without clothing.

Fine.

Then Lucky will
recognize me as the alpha

after I launch heavy
items into the air

using pure power
and brute strength.

(GRUNTS)

It's slipping. No.
Look away, Lucky.

Why isn't this working? I'm lifting
with my back like you're supposed to.

Okay, stop with the lifting.

Look, it's not my fault
the dog hangs around me.

We just get each other.

Oh, my God.

- You love her.
- I do not.

There's actual love in your heart,
and you're using it for the dog.

- I do not love the dog.
- Fine.

Then you won't care if I
return her. Where's the receipt?

She's family. You
can't return family.

Believe me, I've checked.

Fine. Then from now
on her name is Traitor.

- Don't do that.
- Come here, Traitor.

Do not call her Traitor.

(BABY VOICE) That's a
goody-woody little Traitor.

Don't use a baby
voice to call her Traitor.

Then admit you love her.

You know what, we
don't need this crap.

Come on, Luckster.
Let's go for a walk.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry realized
he'd been replaced by a dog,

Erica and Lainey were realizing
they were in deep trouble.

(BUZZER)

You get one phone
call. Make it count.

Yes. One call. No-brainer.
We're calling your mom.

No way.

I told her I could live
my life without her.

You're in jail.
You clearly can't.

It took me 16 years
to get to this position.

- I can't go back.
- Well, call someone.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- Hey.

Is Pops there?

I'm studying, and I have a
question about World War...

I or Il or whatever
one he was in.

(SIGHS) Hold on.

Hi, sweetheart. What's doing?

I'm in major trouble

and mom will kill
me, so just act normal.

Okey dokey, smokey.

That doesn't sound
normal. That sounds crazy.

Yessiree, sir, indeedy-doo.

Just don't talk.

Okey dokey... (MUMBLES)

Just come to the
police station downtown.

I know you lost your license and
will need to steal a car, but I need you.

So if you'll help, just say,
"America won the war."

America won the war.

ADULT ADAM: And just like that,
Pops floored it to Erica's rescue.

- Evening, Officer.
- Pull over now.

(HORNS HONKING)

Any idea how fast
you were driving?

- Fifty?
- Three.

- Fifty-three?
- Just three.

Well, that sounds very safe.

It's not. Can I
see your license?

Sure thing, Officer.
It's right down here.

Kiss my grits, porky.

(ENGINE REVS)

(IGNITION TURNS OFF)

You're still in park.

In my defense, I haven't
driven in two years.

'Cause I have no license.

Pops, thank God you're here.

I'm in really big trouble,
Erica. Call your mother.

ADULT ADAM: My sister had set out to
prove she could live life without my mom.

And she failed miserably.

Don't you two
worry. We'll be fine.

No matter what happens,
we got each other's back.

Mr. Solomon, you're free to go.

Pops out.

Mom, seriously? What about us?

Yeah, do that thing
where you scream

and dig into the
officer's personal life

so much that he sets us free.

(SIGHS)

She only does that for people
who want her in their life.

No silent treatment.
That's my thing.

You know what she wants to hear.

Fine. (SIGHS) I
need you in my life.

(SIGHS) She didn't hear you.

I need you in my
stupid life. Gah!

She wants to
know if you mean it.

You're not just saying it
because you're in prison.

Sure, there's that.

But you're my mom.
Of course I mean it.

There's no way I'm going
to the concert now, right?

- COP: She says, "God, no."
- Right.

BARRY: Hey.

Mmm. Can we talk?

Look, I'm no longer gonna
demand you be my sidekick.

I know I'm not the
alpha or the beta.

I'm whatever comes
last in the Greek letters.

I think it's Zorbo.

See, ever since I was a little
boy, I wanted a dog like you.

Not 'cause you could jet-ski

or break-dance or deflect
grenades with your paws.

I just wanted a friend.

And I didn't have many growing
up. But I do now. And a hot girlfriend.

So I guess I don't need
you as much as I used to.

But my dad, he could
use a cool friend like you.

Dude's a pretty cool guy
once you get to know him.

So, we cool?

Right. You can't talk.
You can't talk, right?

The dog can't talk, Barry.

Hey, that was a private
conference between me and Traitor.

Look, I'm not the alpha.

But the dog always
sits right next to you.

That's because of the scraps.

There's all sorts of tasty
shrapnel flying around here.

Here. Give her a try.

Whoa!

- She likes me.
- Of course she does.

You're a likeable kid.

So, does this mean
we can share the dog?

(SIGHS) I don't care.

Come on. Say it.
Say you love her.

- She's fine.
- Say it.

- She's fine.
- You love the dog.

I love the dog!

Me too.

ADULT ADAM: That day, we opened
our hearts to a new family member.

And Erica opened
her heart to my mom.

Smells yummy. Since
when do you bake?

Just felt like cookie time.

What's all this?

It's hard to say. (CHUCKLES)

(VOICE BREAKING) Even though
I'm grown up and I don't need you...

I still do.

I always will.

After everything I did,
you still bailed me out.

So, I thought I'd finally give you
the pajama party that you deserve.

Oh, honey.

So, what do you
say? Troop Beverly?

Troop Beverly.

ADULT ADAM: And in
the end it was all worth it.

Not only did my mom and
sister start a new tradition,

but my dad, Barry, and
their new sidekick did, too.

Because that's what
makes a family great.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Oh, yeah.

It's not just the big moments.
It's the simple things.

Like cheering on your favorite
team, roasting marshmallows,

or finding out the people
you've been keeping at a distance

are actually the
people you're closest to.

So, tell me the truth. Was
it Heather G or Heather S?

Heather T.

- No.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

ADAM: Luck Tin Tin, take one.

- Hey, kid. Give me your money.
- Hey, who are you?

(GRUNTS)

Luck Tin Tin!

Save me.

Luck Tin Tin, attack.
Oh, yeah. Luck Tin Tin.

Pa-pow! Pow!

Ah! Oh, no. No.

No. No. Don't hurt me.

(WHIMPERING)

Hey, who are you?

- Give me your money...
- No. No, get away. Ah!

Luck Tin Tin. Save me.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Luck Tin Tin, help
me. Help. Lucky.