The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - In Conclusion, Thanksgiving - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,

my mom was obsessed
with Thanksgiving.

When it came to her cooking,
everything had to be perfect.

She even made practice
turkeys before the big day.

- Mmm!
- I need feedback.

That's good.

- But not great.
- What?

I'm going again.

ADULT ADAM: To my
mom, it was a time for family.

For my dad, it was a hassle.

Why do we got to schlep all
the way here to go shopping



when we got a perfectly good
market a minute away from our house?

Well, I thought this time of
year, a change of scenery would...

Look, Murray,
there's your father.

What are the odds we'd run into
him in a totally random grocery store?

You got a bag boy to
tip you off, didn't you?

So, I have eyes everywhere.

What? Does that make
me some kind of villain?

Bevy, every year you ask me

to invite that spiteful,
miserable man to Thanksgiving.

You gotta give it up.

You're right.

He's your father, and
I have no right to...

Hi, Ben, look. It's
your son, Murray.

You remember Murray.



Hi, Dad. How you doing?

My foot's still got that thing.
And I need eye surgery.

Yeah, good stuff.

So, any plans for
the holiday, Ben?

POP POP: Yeah,
I got it right here.

This compartment is the
stuffing. That's the sweet potatoes.

That gray circle,
that's the turkey.

Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked
meal be much better than that?

That depends. You know what
happened the last time I ate your cooking.

That was right after we got
married. That was ages ago.

Your turkey was
drier than the sun.

It was like eating the
inside of a vacuum bag

filled with pencil shavings.

- I did not enjoy the meal.
- You? No.

It was the first time I'd ever
cooked Thanksgiving by myself,

my kids were little, they
were hanging all over me,

I didn't even have a baster.

I was baster-less.

No baster could
fix your food crimes.

Sorry, pal. You deserve better.

- Nice seeing you, Dad.
- POP POP: Eh, it was okay.

BEVERLY: This is not over.

You invite that callous, hurtful
man to Thanksgiving right now.

See, I see why you're hocking
me all the time to invite him.

You just want to show my
dad that you're a good cook.

The best cook.

- And family is important and stuff.
- Well, it's not gonna happen.

It's bad enough you invite
my moron brother every year.

Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad.

Gobble, gobble. Hide
your turkeys, ladies.

- (BOTH LAUGH)
- You little muskrat.

- (BLOWING)
- Oh!

Looking good, Uncle Marvin.

I'm feeling good. I lost 10 pounds.
I gained six, lost four, gained two.

Also, your voice is weird.

It is. I... I'm hoping
this isn't where it lands.

(CHUCKLES) That's the spirit.

(IN DEEP VOICE) Mur-man.

Hey.

What's with the, uh, pajamas?

You mean these
certified medical scrubs?

As you know, I'm almost a
fully licensed chiropractor.

Ah. Good. Another one of
your half-baked schemes.

- Schemes? What schemes?
- First, you were breeding alpacas.

Then you were
selling alpaca wool.

Then came alpaca burgers.

What the hell was I supposed
to do with a dozen dead alpacas?

Regardless, those were all
obvious steps to chiropractology.

I don't know if
that's the official title.

They reveal that
to us at graduation.

That's something
to look forward to.

You see that? Negativity.

I could take away
all of your stress

just with a single (IMITATES
CRACKING) crack of your cervical spine.

(SCOFFS) No.

- Come on. Come on. Come...
- Ahhh! No!

I'm serious. Stay away from me.

- Hey, come over here. Come on.
- No, no, no.

- Don't struggle.
- Come on, don't.

- I don't want to break anything.
- No!

- (GRUNTS)
- Get off me!

This feels dangerous and unsafe.

It is if you fight it.

I hate Thanksgiving.
I hate it so much.

- I'm a healer. Let me heal you.
- Make it stop.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
November 20th, 1980-something,

and Pops was ready to pass
down a Thanksgiving tradition.

Erica, guess what? I
got something for you.

- A car?
- No.

- Did you get me a car?
- No.

Did anyone get a car?

No. What is it with you
kids and wanting a car?

It's kind of like, we
don't have a car,

but we want one.

Like a car.

Look, this is even better.

I want you to take over
the Thanksgiving toast.

My grandfather passed it
down to me, and now I pick you.

Ha! You have to keep a
lame-ass family tradition alive.

You see, that's why
I'm picking your sister,

'cause she's the heart
and soul of this family,

who'll keep this
tradition alive.

Lies.

I'm the heart, soul,

and deadly fists of
this family, not her.

I want to do it.

You're right, kiddo. If you really
want to be toastmaster general,

then you deserve a fair shot.

You're so dead.

Saying words good
is my specialness.

To life.

- You're clearly picking me.
- I'm picking you.

To life.

Dad, I know you're swamped
watching your big football contest.

Go, blue team.

I actually like the green team.

Fun stuff. Listen, I don't
want to waste your time,

but I thought you should know

that I might be working on
my best video project yet.

What's happening?

I just need six more hours
of therapeutic massage

under my belt before
I'm board-certified.

This isn't a good time.

Gotcha. (POPPING LIPS)

Anyway, now that I'm getting
older and growing as an artist,

I'm venturing away
from robot movies

and fart-based comedy
skits to more serious work,

with real emotional impact.

This still isn't a good time.

- The moment felt right.
- It's not.

Roger that.

Beep, bap, bee-bap, boop

Point is, I need a
better wide-angle lens

to fully realize my vision,
but they're quite pricey.

My vision is I won't have any
children asking me for money.

Go away!

Okay, okay, but this
counts as an hour.

I'm gonna go get the
paperwork for you to sign.

Look, all I want you to do
is watch what I have already.

I think you'll see what I mean.

ADULT ADAM: That year, I
discovered the song Cat's In The Cradle.

Like any teenage
kid, the catchy chorus

and "My dad is a
jerk" lyrics spoke to me.

And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and
the man in the moon

ADULT ADAM: What I didn't
realize, it spoke to my dad even more.

But we'll get together, then

You know we'll have
a good time then

- Oh. That song.
- (REMOTE CLICKS)

Always manages to
hit you hard, you know?

I guess. It's only halfway done.

You finish it.

Wait. For real?

Yeah. Before I change my mind.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out Cat's In
The Cradle made my dad feel things,

and like any good son, I'd
use this to manipulate him.

Hey, Dad, they just released a
new Dungeons & Dragons module.

Can you drive me to
the hobby shop tonight?

I understand none of that,
but I feel good saying no.

I'm off to work.

Okay, but when you coming
home, Dad? I don't know when.

ADULT ADAM: All I did was
subliminally remind him of the song.

We'll get together then.

Damn. Let's just go now.

ADULT ADAM: As I was
working over my old man,

Barry was working
out a new toast.

"F" is for family.

"A" is for how
awesome this family is.

"M" is for "Mmm, turkey".

"I" is for my eyes
that get to see you all.

"L" is for LL Cool J, who probably
also celebrates Thanksgiving.

"Y"? Because he's
American, like us.

Family!

(CLEARS THROAT) I
mean, you got charm.

Uh, but what you don't have
is a good speech, or charm.

I just said that to
cushion the blow.

Damn it. What am
I supposed to do?

Erica's so smart and emotional

and has these female
hormones that make her feel stuff.

How do I compete with that?

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)
the first thing you gotta do

is lie down and let
your Uncle Marvin

crackle your spine bones and
your neck tendons to release toxins.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Right there?
- Yeah. Face down. There you go.

Got to get a good
stretch on here.

This flank.

Hey.

Ahhh! Oh!

- That... That hurts my body.
- That means it's working.

As for your speech,

there's one thing that I
learned in back-cracking school,

and that's how to
captivate a client.

- Go on.
- You see, in the manual, it says

that constant talk and
distraction helps them ignore

the searing pain that
is spinal alignment.

That makes sense.

It's not just about
using your words.

It's also about flash.

- (BONES CRACK)
- Ah!

Flash. You're right.

That's what I need
to add to my toast!

Exactly.

Now, just get up there and
show them what you got, kid.

BARRY: I'm good.

You look good.

ALF: (ON TV) Get away
with murder, so to speak.

Right now, I could walk over...

Well, what's going on in here?

Just watching ALF
and playing cat's cradle.

No relation to the song.

You know the song, right, Dad?

(HUFFS) That song.

You know what would push this
father-son moment over the top?

You whip us up a malt to share.

That's a great idea, pal.

What's going on?

Just some father-son
bonding time.

Tell me what you've done to him,

or I'll make you go outside
and play catch with your dad

on the lawn in front of
the entire neighborhood.

- No.
- And not with one of those

soft NERF balls, either.

Not the hard, white ones
with the sewing on them.

That's right. Baseballs.

Okay, okay.

Truth is, Cat's in the Cradle
makes Dad bend to my will

'cause the words make him sad.

How selfish can you be?

I'm sorry. I'll stop.

You most certainly will.

After you use your
evil to help me.

- Seriously?
- Play the song.

Get him to invite Pop
Pop to Thanksgiving

so he can finally see
what an amazing cook I am.

Isn't your thing, like, way
more selfish than mine?

Oh, yes. (CHUCKLES)

Now that man will eat my food
and his words. (CHUCKLES)

And also, family's
important and stuff.

There's a lesson in
there. Figure it out.

Gobble, gobble.

ADULT ADAM: It
was almost dinner time,

and even though I manipulated
Dad into inviting Pop Pop,

the old grouch was a no-show.

Do we have to wait for
Pop Pop? I'm starving.

Just give me a scoop.

Hey. Don't ruin the presentation.
Half of eating is done with the eyes.

Murray, where's your father?

He'll be here any minute.

Still waiting on
Dad, eh? (LAUGHS)

That's weird.

I thought you
called him, Murray.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Okay, you're
really laughing it up,

which tells me you've
done something idiotic

and you want me to
hear about it. Go ahead.

After you called our father
to invite him to Thanksgiving,

I called him back,

and I said that I was
going to pick him up.

(LAUGHING) But I never did.

You know, even for you,
this is incredibly stupid.

Uh, it's brilliant,

and you have your
son Adam to thank for it,

'cause he keeps on playing
that Cat's in the Cradle song.

(CHUCKLING) And,
uh, everyone knows

that it's the greatest
revenge song ever written.

How do you get
revenge from that song?

Hello?

It's about a boy who
gets shafted by his dad,

just like we were.

And then he grows up, and
his dad calls him to hang out,

and then the boy is just like,

"Ha! I've been waiting
for this moment.

"I have my own life now.

"So, suck it, old man." Click!

That's not what it's about!

It's about spending
time with your kid.

Pfft! What you talkin' 'bout,
Murray? It's right there in the lyrics.

The cat eats the baby
with the silver spoon

Those aren't the words.

It didn't eat a baby.
No baby got eaten.

- The cat eats the baby...
- No baby gets eaten.

With the silver...
Would you wake up?

A cat cannot use a
spoon. It's got paws.

A cat can very easily just
pick up a spoon, like so, and...

(IMITATE SPLASH)

- (KEYS JINGLE)
- Hey. Whoa! Stop!

Wh... It's dinner time.
Where are you going?

To get my father.

You're gonna ruin my ruthless
revenge plot against Dad!

- What kind of Thanksgiving is this?
- Hey...

- ADULT ADAM: What we didn't know...
- (DOOR CLOSES)

was Thanksgiving was
about to get awesome.

Why don't we just hear a
toast while we're waiting?

- Erica, show us what you got.
- Thank you, Pops.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, I'm just gonna speak
from the heart and say...

BARRY: (VOICE AMPLIFIED)
Ladies and gentlemen-men-men-men,

are you prepared
for the ultimate

Thanksgiving extravaganza
of love, love, love, love?

And with that, Barry
appeared from the smoke

to take Thanksgiving
to a new level.

- (MUSIC PLAYS)
- What the heck is this?

An idiot giving a
Thanksgiving toast.

Y'all's about to get
touched, ninja pilgrim-style.

Turkey! Yah!

ADULT ADAM: It was educational.

And so, that's when Chris
Colombo married Pocahontas

and they feasted
upon corn, or maize,

named after its a-maize-ing
taste when buttered.

ADULT ADAM: It had music.

It was packed with
metaphors and symbolism.

(GRUNTING)

It had pyrotechnics.

And breaks for hydration.

It had emotional pandering.

Look at us. Love.

He leaps from half-court.

ADULT ADAM: And
a cinematic climax.

Three points for family. The
nuclear weapons are disarmed.

The Goldbergs save the world!

In conclusion, Thanksgiving.

ADULT ADAM: (LAUGHS)
And it was awesome.

Wait. You actually enjoyed
that confusing pile of garbage?

It was a real experience.

I feel like I just
went to Atlantic City.

I liked the part where you
showed the baby pictures.

But it made no sense!

How can a slam dunk
disarm nuclear weapons?

Can't wait to hear what
you got in store, Erica.

Uh...

I think we should
space them out a bit.

No. Please. Talk from the heart.

Uh... We should wait on Pop Pop,

because that is
the right thing to do.

So, I'll be upstairs.
Not writing a speech.

Just, waiting for them to
show up. So, I'll be gone.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica retreated,
Pop Pop was on the warpath.

I can't believe you people,
making me wait outside

nearly seven minutes
in the dead of fall.

It was just a little mix-up,
Dad. Marvin will apologize.

You want me to apologize to him,

the man who picked me up
from soccer practice at midnight?

- I had a thing.
- That's it.

I'm not stepping one foot in
that house as long as he's here.

Good. Now I got
something to be thankful for.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey. What are you doing
dropping the pants? That's my thing.

I'm the one that invented
dropping your slacks at the door.

It's Thanksgiving.
Pull up your pants.

- How you doing, Ben?
- You think you're better than me?

(CHUCKLES) Speaking of
better, try my turkey, Ben. Taste.

No, no, no. I learned my
lesson a long time ago.

Here. Heat this
up. I'm starving.

Come on. You can't have
Thanksgiving from a box.

Just take a taste, Ben.

I'm not kidding you.

Take a damn taste.

I'll take a taste!
I'm eating out here.

Everyone, just calm down.

Adam, why don't you just play
your Cat's In The Cradle video?

Oh, hey. Son of a
bitch. I love that song.

That's got that
nice message in it.

That right?

Yeah, there's this needy brat

who's been pestering
his dad for years.

His dad just wants
to be left alone.

All right, so, now, years
later, they're on the phone,

but his son now... Oh,
he's finally into his own crap.

So, his father
hangs up the phone,

because now he's got
what he always wanted.

- To be left the hell alone.
- (DOOR OPENS)

It's a revenge song.

The son wins in the end!

No one wins.

It's about the struggle
to not let time slip away.

No one thinks that!

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Adam. Do your Jedi mind trick.

Play the video and
make people listen to you.

That's why you've been playing
that damn song all the time?

- Oh, balls.
- You were screwing with my mind?

Mom was the one that
tricked you into inviting Pop Pop

so she could
force-feed him turkey.

- What?
- What?

What? I can't hear. I'm
outside here. Speak louder!

Never surrender

Who's ready for a high-octane,
tear-jerkin' Thanksgiving toast?

Oh, boy. This is
real bad timing.

Watch out, Russia. It's
the American baseball team,

and they're hitting home
runs for family. (GASPS)

Oh, my decorative gourds!

Dude. You're stealing
my whole speech.

No, it's different.
You did basketball,

I'm doing baseball.

- What?
- Doesn't matter. I win.

I forgot what it was
for, but I beat you.

You don't even know
what this is about?

I dislike you so much.

BEVERLY: Stop it. Stop it.

- Everybody stop it.
- Barry!

Stop it. It's Thanks
(BLEEP) giving.

I don't care what it is. I want
these crazy people out of my house.

No. I'm so close.

Ben, try my yams.

I learned my lesson. No.

No yams. I'm
taking out the leaf.

No. Not the leaf.

What's happening?

(GRUNTS) Ahhh!

I feel so left out!

MURRAY: Ugh, my back.

ADULT ADAM: It was a
Thanksgiving stalemate.

My dad wanted everyone out,
and Marvin was refusing to come in.

What are you still doing here?

Thanksgiving's over. Go home.

No. We can still
save this thing.

Barry, help me set the
table around your father.

I can't move!

I sold 80-pound vacuums door
to door with a shattered pelvis.

Suck it up.

Marvin, get inside.

Murray threw his back out,
and we need your magic hands.

Yes, I can see
how you might think,

based on my consistent
claim that I'm a chiropractor,

how I might be of some
service in this particular situation.

You can't help? What kind
of a male nurse are you?

I am a chiropractor, damn it.

At least, I will be

once the school is
recognized by the state.

There's no way that
man's touching me.

Okay, that's enough. I
have something to say.

Again, it's very bad timing.

Look, maybe we're a garbage family,
and maybe we don't always get along.

But, you know,
maybe that's okay.

Maybe that's a good thing.

I mean, Barry's one of
the biggest idiots of all time,

but he gave the best
toast this family's ever seen.

Yes! Ignoring the first part.

And if this utter
dope can pull that off,

well, then I'm sure
my dopey uncle

has learned enough at back
school that he can fix my dad.

No. Do not get
inspired by her speech.

'Cause the fact is,
it's Thanksgiving.

And if a family can't
believe in each other

on a day like today,

well, then, when can we?

ADULT ADAM: Sure, it was
insulting, but also deeply moving.

That night, Erica proved that she
could toast with the best of them.

What is happening?

(DOOR BURSTS OPEN)

Your faith in me is
all the training I need.

(SCREAMS) No!

You can do it, Marvy.

- No.
- It's all you, Uncle Marv.

- No.
- Give it a shot, Marv.

I'm a little drunk.

I'm going in.

Don't go in. What are you doing?

- (GRUNTS)
- Flash.

How you feel?

- I actually feel better.
- MARVIN: Yeah?

Look, he's standing straighter.

I told you I'm a God. (LAUGHS)

Marvin saved Thanksgiving.

Marvin. Marvin!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

ADULT ADAM: Even though
Marvin took all the credit,

my mom still got the moment
she always dreamed of.

Damn it, Marvin. You're...
You're hogging the yams.

Ah, buh, buh, buh!

Look at my old man
loving your food.

Guess you finally
got what you wanted.

Raised a moron.

BEVERLY: Yeah, it's great.

But look at them all there.

He learned to walk
while I was away

Family and stuff. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Family and stuff.

ADULT ADAM: It turned out to
be our best Thanksgiving ever.

And even though Barry and
Erica battled over the best speech,

- in the end, Pops reclaimed the crown.
- (SPOON CLINKS)

I'd like to make a little toast.

Normally, this holiday makes
me think of the love of my life,

my wife, Irene.

But as I look around
this table tonight,

I realize we shouldn't
dwell on the loves we've lost.

'Cause there's more than
enough love right here.

- Cheers.
- MURRAY: Hear, hear.

- (GLASSES CLINK)
- (SNIFFLES)

Thinks he's better
than us, that bastard.

If anyone would like
a spinal adjustment,

meet me on the
couch when this is over.

I said, "Not today,
I got a lot to do"

He said, "That's okay"

And then he walked away, but
his smile never dimmed and said...

I don't get it.

How on Earth can you think this
song's about being a lousy father?

- Just a theory.
- Well...

I watch you with your kids.
You're, um... Not like me.

You're a good father to them.

Even to the weird one.

I don't know which one
that is, but thank you.

(CAT'S IN THE CRADLE
CONTINUES PLAYING)

Well, he came from
college just the other day

So much like a man, I just...

Hey. The video over?
(STUTTERS) I got nervous, so I left.

Yeah. It, uh, played well.

Noticed my name on the end there.
Since when am I your producer?

Since you paid for the lens. I
couldn't have done it without you.

Any of it.

Little boy blue and
the man in the moon

So,

yeah.

Yeah.

But we'll get together then, Dad

You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon

And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and
the man in the moon

When you comin' home,
son? I don't know when

But we'll get together then, Dad

A few guys from the water
polo team invited me on a ski trip.

- No.
- Would you just hear me out

before you say no?

I already said no.

Well, I wrote a little song about
father-daughter relationships

that just may make you realize
that our time together is fleeting.

(TV TURNS OFF)

Butterfly emerges from a cocoon

A dad and daughter
gaze at the moon

Fathers and daughters
and fathers of daughters

And the man in the moon
is neglecting his daughter

Wow!

That song made me realize
how precious our time is.

So I can go on the ski trip?

No. I want you by
my side all weekend.

This really backfired
on me, huh?