The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Couples Costume - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: Back in the
day, trick-or-treating was my jam.

I'd spend months making the
most epic Halloween costumes

the '80s had ever seen.

I was a master of
tape and glue-gunning.

My costumes were not only
awesome, but they were also topical.

ADAM: I'm the coolest E.T. ever.

And I'm Elliott, E.T.'s owner.

ADULT ADAM: Until my mom
turned them into couples costumes.

Look out, Jenkintown.

Here comes a Ghostbuster.

ADULT ADAM: It was embarrassing.



And I'm his Stay Puft
Marshmallow mom.

ADULT ADAM: And
every year, it got worse.

Freeze, creep, I'm RoboCop.

BEVERLY: And I'm ED-209,

OmniCorp's first foray
into robotic policing.

I'm Indy.

ADULT ADAM: And
it got more frustrating.

And I'm Mork.

I thought you said you
were going as Mindy.

Why would I be going as Mindy?

Well, I guess we're Mork
and Indy. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: But not this year.

My girl was in town, and
she'd be the Ripley to my Alien.

- I love us.
- ADAM: Me too.



Which is why I want
you to have this.

Oh, my God. Our promise ring.

I know you gave it
back when you moved,

but I think we've proved
nothing can stand between us.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

- BEVERLY: Hey, boopie.
- What the hell.

BEVERLY: It's me. It's
mama. I'm the Predator.

(SMOOCHING SOUNDS)

Stop it.

The Predator doesn't talk
with smooches. He clicks.

Well, this Predator
kisses instead of kills.

You're ruining the property.

Or is Preda-mom
making it better?

I told you, this year, I'm
doing a couples costume

with the person I'm
actually in a couple with.

Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.

Dana. Look.

Your Alien movie has
nothing to do with my costume,

at least not that I know
of. (CHUCKLING) God.

What? Oh, my God. What is...

It's your favorite comic
book, Alien vs. Predator?

Now, when did these two
get to know each other?

You said our costume
was Mom-proof.

I forgot about the crossover.

This is a very happy coincidence.
We're gonna make quite the trio.

No. You are not following us
around tonight in that costume.

You want me to follow you
around without a costume?

Come on. I'm gonna look crazy.

I don't need my mom's
help to go trick-or-treating.

I'm going with Dana. Not you.

BEVERLY: Oh. Okay.
I guess I'll just go.

Have a good time without me.

If you need me, just call
my name. For anything.

Or I could just
stay if you want.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Did someone call me?

I thought I heard,
"Please don't go."

No?

- Is there another way out of here?
- Nope.

(DANA SIGHS)

BEVERLY: Call if you need me.

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
October 31st, 1980-something,

and my siblings were hard at work
strategizing how to beat Halloween.

Okay, here's our path
through Jenkintown.

First, we hit Tom
McFadden's kegger,

then we head north and
hit these three parties.

Ooh, are you planning a candy
route? We should combine our data.

- May I?
- You may.

- Nerd punch.
- Ow.

What was that for?

Dude. Your girlfriend came
across the ocean to be with you.

Dana lives in Seattle.

Exactly. Do you really think

she wants to spend
her one night in America

collecting candy
like a little toddler?

But that's what we always do.

It's what you did.
You're adults now.

Just listen to your deep,
yet still high weird voice.

Hurtful, but continue.

It's Halloween, dude,
a night for romance.

This holiday's all about
girls getting scared

and running to a big,
strong man for protection.

- It's evolution.
- Idiot punch.

- Ow.
- But he's got a point.

We do pretend to be scared
to make it easy for boys

because we feel bad for them.

Wow. Okay. So I should
take her someplace scary.

Like J. C. Penney?

- What?
- What?

They put a bunch of spider
webs up in their mattress display.

You know they're fake,
but they make you think,

- "What if my bed had spiders?"
- Oh, my God, no.

There's a frat at Villanova that
runs an awesome haunted house.

Take her there.

What? You want me to
pay money to get tortured

when candy is free?

Nut up, bro.

It's just a stupid haunted
house. You'll be fine.

Hey. Ready to head out?

Uh, yeah. Question.

What would you
rather do tonight...

Get unlimited free
nougaty candy...

(MUMBLING)...or go
to a haunted house?

- What?
- (MUMBLING) Or go to a haunted house.

- What?
- Free candy. (CHUCKLES)

Or go to a lame haunted
house. Super boring.

A haunted house does sound cool.

Although, I might
need you to protect me.

- Told you.
- Haunted house it is.

Hopefully they have
friendly ghosts like Casper.

Actually, Casper
weirds me out, too.

- Nerd punch.
- Ow!

ADULT ADAM: As I was facing
my first grown-up Halloween,

my mom was facing
her first one alone.

- What are you up to?
- Hiding a deadly razor in some candy.

- Okay.
- Don't you judge me.

I'm just creating a visual aid
to show Adam the dangers

of getting candy from
strangers without his mother.

See? This used to be fun-size.

Now it's terror-size.

You know what's terrifying?

The fact that you still
want to go trick-or-treating

in matching costumes
with your almost-adult son.

I don't want to. I
have to for his safety.

Halloween is a night
where gangs of street toughs

roam the sidewalks
looking to rough up children

and take their candy.

Street toughs? In Jenkintown?

They drive in.

And don't even get me
started on the kidnappers.

They hitch a ride
with the street toughs.

So they're all carpooling.

- Maybe they're taking the bus.
- What kind of bus is this?

The point is, I
don't do this for me.

Trick-or-treating
is a nightmare,

and I can't wait for
Adam to give it up.

Hey, Ma, me and Dana decided
to go to a haunted house this year.

We'll be back by 9:00.

But what about
trick-or-treating?

I have a visual aid to prove a
point that now doesn't matter.

Yeah, we're over it.

But...

We always...

We al... We always...

- Candy.
- Just go.

- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
- Well, there you go, Bevy.

Nightmare's over.

Yeah. This is just what
I wanted. (CHUCKLES)

Maybe I'll make myself
useful by dusting or by...

Sitting in my room in the
dark to save on electricity.

I'll figure something out.

Could I eat that?

Well, that's never
stopped me before.

Moron. There's a razor in it.

You win this round, old man.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom's
Halloween was falling apart,

mine was coming together.

Aww. I love this ring.
I'll never take it off again.

Besides being a beautiful
symbol of our love,

that bad boy really
makes your eyes pop.

- Aww.
- (SCREAMING)

(CHAINSAW MOTOR REVVING)

Whoa.

I didn't think this was
gonna be so scary.

(SCREAMING)

Don't worry, girl. Ad-Rock's
here to protect you.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, I was the man.

In that moment, I couldn't believe
I ever doubted Barry and Erica.

And then a moment later,
I remembered why I did.

(DOOR HINGES CREAK
AND DOOR SLAMS)

But since this was all for love,

I knew I could handle
some cobwebs and fog.

- (GROWLS)
- (BOTH SCREAM)

But not a werewolf.

- (CHAINSAW MOTOR REVS)
- Or a dude with a chainsaw.

And so I used Dana
as a human shield...

- (SCREAMING)
- Balls, balls, balls, balls.

And then ditched
her and ran for my life.

Oh. Hey. Lost you in there. Sup?

ADULT ADAM:
Hopefully she didn't notice.

You used me as a human shield.

ADULT ADAM: She noticed.

Babe, it was just a goof.

As you ran out, you
screamed, "Kill her, not me."

You got to commit hard to
the bit, right? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, God. My ring's gone. I
must have lost it back there.

You got to go get it for me.

Um...

Can I just get you a new one?

I lied about it making your eyes
pop. It makes them look gross.

(SCOFFS) Whatever.

- Are you mad?
- No.

I'm just tired.

I actually think I'm gonna go.

Happy Halloween.

She's not tired, bro.

(GASPS) It can talk!

ADULT ADAM: While my
Halloween had turned sour,

Pops was busy
handing out sweets.

Ooh! Look at you.

It's Spider-guy, Strawberry
Flapjacks, and hey.

It's Herman the Frog.

Wokkity! Wokkity!

Everything you're
saying is wrong.

Enjoy.

Oh, there she is. Happy
Halloween, pumpkin.

There will be no more
Happy Halloweens,

not if I can't be out there
with my little nub-nub.

I assume that's Adam.

Adam is my nub-nub, yes.

I don't care for nub-nub.
It sounds wrong to the ear.

It's just... Adam was the last one.
Now what's the point to Halloween?

Hey, you still got me. Come
on, hand out some candy.

Dad, have you been handing
out this candy the whole time?

Yeah, why?

Uh, where is my
deadly candy bar?

What's happening?

- Where's my deadly razor candy bar?
- What's happening?

I jammed a lady razor
into a delicious treat

to show Adam any
crazy person could do it.

Why would you do that?

You know what a safety
nut I am. I did it for safety.

- That is the opposite of safety.
- I know.

Oh, God. I got to go find
it. I must save the children.

ADULT ADAM: And
save them she would.

Safety check.

- Give me your candy.
- BOY: No.

I'm not asking, I'm taking.

- Give it.
- BOY: No.

Give it.

Young man. Young man.

I'm not a street tough,
I'm a concerned mama.

I'm here for safety.
Run towards safety.

Run towards safety and
away from the razors.

Spider-Man, give me
your (BLEEP) candy.

I'm saving lives.
I'm saving lives.

ADULT ADAM:
Halloween was in full swing,

and the night would
be more trick than treat.

Yo. Guess who I am.

- Bruce Lee?
- What? No. I'm Chuck Norris.

Oh, yeah. It's kind
of hard to read.

- Can I fix it?
- Please do.

- ERICA: Perfect.
- You're a good person.

Thanks for nothing, jerks.

You ruined my Halloween,
you ruined my relationship,

and you ruined my underpants.

I haven't actually checked
yet, but I know what I'm in for.

Can we do this later?

Suck Norris and I have
several parties to hit.

- What?
- No, you can't go.

I took your stupid
advice, and I freaked out

in that haunted house
like a scared little baby.

Dude, it's not our fault you're
a nervous, jumpy, wuss-bag.

Dana dropped her promise
ring in that haunted house.

Barry, you've got to
go in there and get it.

No way. We have
six parties to hit.

Come on, just help me.
You're always bragging

that you're literally not
scared of anything on Earth.

Or stuff in the sky,
like birds or meteors.

And you've said many times that
you have the strength of 10 men.

And 44 medium-sized children.

And you have claimed you're
an unstoppable killing force.

I did karate kick a jellyfish
at the beach that one time.

It stung pretty bad, but
he floated away lifeless.

My God. Just go
and do it already.

Oh, fine.

I guess this is
my burden to bear

since I'm the one born with
extra testosterone and no fear.

You'll really help me?

Dude, if anyone can
find that ring, it's this guy.

ADULT ADAM: As I
was in search of my ring,

my mom was hunting
down her razor candy.

I'm home. Come
quick, I need your help.

POPS: Holy crap.

Did you take all that from
the tiny hands of little children?

BEVERLY: And this.

- Bevy, the razor's not in there.
- But it might be in here.

I threw it away.

You power-walked out
of here like a panther.

We couldn't find you.

Well, this is concerning.

You have another bag, don't you?

ADULT ADAM: She did.

(GRUNTS)

ADULT ADAM: She also
had three more in the car.

BEVERLY: Heavy. I got it.

How far did you walk?

Well, I didn't know if that
razor made it to the next town.

I had to be sure.

(THUDDING)

ADULT ADAM: And all
those kids she stole candy from

were for sure gonna
get their revenge

with a few dozen eggs.

- BEVERLY: What are they doing?
- Egging our house.

Which we deserve.

This is gonna stain
our aluminum siding.

Again, well-deserved.

Just give them the candy back.

(THUDDING CONTINUES)

BEVERLY: The only thing
they're getting is a lecture.

ADULT ADAM: My mom stormed into
the dark night to defend our home against

Kermit the Frog and
Strawberry Shortcake.

This is a waste of groceries.

(GRUNTS)

ADULT ADAM: But it
became an alien standoff.

Predator versus Alf.

BEVERLY: Look both ways
when you cross the street.

ADULT ADAM: Turns
out, years of power-walking

made her a power-runner,

and Alf's little legs were no
match for my angry smother.

Hey, Bar, we don't
say this stuff much,

but you're a good brother
for going in there for me.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks, I'm
just gonna... Yeah, yeah.

- Are you okay, man?
- Of course I'm okay.

Why wouldn't I be
okay? I'm an adult.

- (CHAINSAW MOTOR REVS)
- Aah! What was that?

Are you okay, man?

Yeah, I just had the
bravery shakes. God.

What's happening
with you right now?

Look, I know for some reason

you think I have extra
testosterone and no fear.

Yeah, 'cause you've
said those exact words

for the last 10 years.

Right, but the truth is,

I actually have a normal
amount of testosterone

and a tremendous amount of fear.

Then why would you say it?

I say it 'cause people
finding out about my fear

- is my greatest fear.
- (GROANS)

Fine. Erica, you go in.

- Pass.
- Seriously?

You're scared of
haunted houses, too?

Hell, no.

But there's a frat guy I
made out with in there,

and if I see him, I know
I'll fall right back into it.

And that's my greatest fear.

Or at least something
I would like to avoid.

Come on. Safety in numbers.
We just have to stick together.

Okay, let's do this. But,
wait. How's my hair?

- Good.
- Yeah.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,
the three of us faced our fears.

The plan was simple,
stick together at all costs.

- (DOOR HINGES CREAK, DOOR SLAMS)
- (ALL GASP)

- (CHAINSAW MOTOR REVS)
- (ALL SCREAM)

(CHAINSAW STOPS)

Yo, pretty, pretty.

Hey, Anton. Go,
just go. Leave me.

But what about
sticking together?

So, Anton, did you, like, um,
lose my number or something?

The ring's got to be
around here somewhere.

- (ROARS)
- (BOTH SCREAM)

My ankle. Adam, help me!

- I can't hear you through the fog.
- That's not how fog works.

Goodbye, Barry.

You were a terrible
brother, but I love you!

ADULT ADAM: That night, I wasn't
the only one facing an angry monster.

Shame on you kids.

Running around like hooligans
in the night, egging my house.

(CHUCKLES) Your mothers
have failed as mothers,

and they are gonna
be livid when I call them.

Hello.

May I give you another
take on this situation?

Not now. I'm on a roll.

Has it occurred to you
that these children's parents

might think differently,
given all the facts?

It has not occurred to me and
will continue to not occur to me.

Well, it occurs to me you've become
everything you fear on Halloween.

Please. I have not.

- You hid a razor in a chocolate bar.
- To prove a point.

You stole candy from
children like a street tough.

To protect them.

And then there's
the kidnappings.

All I did was round them up and
force them into my house and...

Oh, my God, that is bad. (GASPS)

Hiya, guys.

On your way out, you'll
each find a bag of candy

that I put a $5 bill in,

so maybe you shouldn't
mention this to your parents.

And by the way, have
a happy Halloween.

Your wife's nuts, dude.

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.

Kermit's right. I really
did lose it tonight.

It's just Halloween. Who cares?

Don't you understand
what this night means to me?

(SIGHS)

No matter how old Adam got,

he was always so happy when
we would go out and get candy.

His smile, the excitement,

his sweaty little hand
reaching up to grab mine,

and now his sweaty little hand
is grabbing someone else's.

He'll never need me again.

You got anything savory?

Please leave.

ADULT ADAM: That
night, my mom realized

it was time to let go of
her kids on Halloween,

and my dad realized he
could help her through it.

Hey. Look at me. I'm
an alien man just like you.

Na-nu, na-nu.

What are you
doing? What is this?

I thought, "Well, if you're
in a couples costume,

"you might as well be with someone
you're in an actual couple with."

You put together this
stupid thing for me?

Yeah, you know, I'm not
one for sentimental crap.

God. Son of a bitch.

- Just take it off.
- I can't.

This is a child's helmet.

It's like sucking on my
head. My head's in a vacuum.

Why would you just jam it on?

The more you pull it
off, the more it clamps.

Why would you do this?

I just thought, you know,

you can't have Halloween
with the kids anymore,

and maybe you could
have Halloween with me.

That is so sweet.
And I would love that.

Mama, I need you.

Move. Boopie, what's wrong?

It's Barry. He twisted his
ankle in the haunted house.

Oh, no. Where's Erica?

She's in there, too, with
a frat boy named Anton.

Oh, hell, no!

(SONG PLAYING)

All right, so we'll put a
pin in the couples costume.

Maybe after Adam
goes to college.

(GROANS)

(GROWLS)

ADULT ADAM:
Turns out, that night,

the scariest thing in that
haunted house was my mom.

What the...

BEVERLY: Move it. Out of my way.

Back off, punk.

Oh!

BEVERLY: Mom kick.

Mom slap.

You. Out.

Damn it. Call me?

BEVERLY: Do not call her.

ADULT ADAM: Dana's ring wasn't
the only thing I found that night.

I also discovered that my
mom and I made quite the team.

I found the ring.

Then go. I'll stay
and find your brother.

- Thanks, Mama.
- You got it, my little alien.

ADULT ADAM: And even though
that was our last couples costume,

it turned out to be
the best one ever.

As much as my mom savored every
single Halloween when I was little,

this was the one she'd
remember forever.

BARRY: Aah! My ankle.

It's all right, love
bug. You're safe now.

You hear that,
Bar? Mom saved us.

We are the luckiest
kids in the world.

You're grounded for a month.

- For sure.
- (CHUCKLES)

Use every alibi
and words you deny

That love ain't meant to last

You can cry tough, baby

ADULT ADAM: That's
the thing about love.

When you face your fears,

you can finally take off your mask
and show people who you really are.

We're running with
the shadows of the night

So, baby, take my
hand, it'll be all right

Sorry for using you as
a human shield and all.

Well, you went back in.

It was so scary in there.

It was, but losing
you was even scarier.

You know, Halloween isn't over.
It's not too late to get some candy.

Candy sounds great.

ADULT ADAM: So, my first adult
Halloween ended the way it always did,

with me and Dana getting candy.

And it couldn't have
been more perfect.

You gonna go keep him safe?

Actually, I think he'll
be all right without me.

But watching from
a distance can't hurt.

ADULT ADAM: Growing
up, there's a lot to be afraid of,

but when you know in your
heart your family has your back,

nothing in life is scary.

BOY 1: Yo, man, this
place is really crazy.

BOY 2: I know. God, it
looks scary in the dark.

- BOY 1: Oh, this is so creepy.
- Look at the cobwebs.

BOY 1: What was that?

- MAN: Aah!
- (BOYS SCREAMS)

BEVERLY: Who wants waffles?

Kids, come on down.

- Here you go, Murray.
- (PLATE SHATTERS)

Oops. I almost forgot. I need
to get the kids' lunch money.

Mom's got to stop wearing
her old Halloween costume.

She won't.

BEVERLY: Whoever's
standing there, let go of my purse.

Her new perm
didn't settle right.

She doesn't want anyone to see

- what's going on under there.
- (THUMPING)

BEVERLY: (LAUGHS) Still
getting the hang of this thing.

Yeah, we should go.

BEVERLY: Help your mother.
You have 30 seconds to comply.