The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Edward 'Eddie the Eagle' Edwards - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: My brother Barry was
the world champion of the Goldberg house.

Athletics flowed
through his veins.

Sports!

Yep, in our family, Barry
was the undisputed jock,

mainly because I
never disputed it.

Swish, baby!

Holy balls! It only
took 173 tries!

It took Dr. J 200 times.

Don't look it up. Just
take my words as fact.

Calling my shot.

Right field bleachers.
Give it to me, Adam.



Come on, baby!

He had it all.

Strength, passion, and delusion.

Yes! Left field, which is
your right, so it still counts!

Dude, how do the Phillies
not recruit you right now,

fresh out of high school?

That's what I ask
when I call them!

Truth was, I may have
been a tad responsible

for over-inflating his ego.

Tonight, we celebrate
excellence on and off the field.

I give you the William Penn
Academy Athlete of the Year.

Not only is this student
a gifted sportsman,

but he's a born leader and,
damn it, I'd follow him anywhere.

Snap some photos
after he calls my name.



Of course, you all know
who I'm talking about.

Rubén Amaro, Jr.

Boom!

Yes! Yes!

(EXHALING SHARPLY)

Yes!

Student athletes, parents,
faculty, and distinguished guests,

I am privileged and
honored to accept this award.

Goldberg, what the
hell are you doing?

I said Rubén Amaro, Jr.

What? How is that even possible?

Well, he's an athletic superstar,
and you are our mascot.

Now, put on the giant head
and dance for our champ.

(APPLAUSE)

This is bullcrap.

What does Rubén Amaro,
Jr. Have that I don't?

Um, four-year varsity
letterman in baseball,

the home run record,
and I'm pretty sure he's got

a full scholarship to Stanford.

Anyone could play
baseball. I play Wiffle.

Yes, the only sport where the
equipment is sold in a pharmacy.

Well, at the very least, Coach
should recognize my insane hoop skills.

Sweetie, you're not even
on the basketball team.

Because I play street ball.

My flash and pizzazz can't
be contained in a gymnasium.

And don't get me started
on my boomerang skills.

I won't.

I'd like to see Rubén
Amaro, Jr. Chuck a 'rang.

Stupid, selfish showboat.

This night was supposed
to be about Barry Goldberg.

I don't think it was.

But, hey, you'll always
be my champion.

That's just worthless.

But thank you.

ADULT ADAM: Barry's dream
of becoming an athletic superstar

was at an all-time low,
but that all changed

when he watched the
biggest underdog story

in Olympic history on the news.

The story of Eddie the Eagle.

Look at him go, Lucky.

A week ago, nobody
knew who this guy was.

But today, he's a legend.

ADULT ADAM: A legend that would inspire
my brother on his path to greatness.

Is that guy wearing his
glasses under his ski goggles?

That's Eddie the Eagle.
He's an actual Olympic athlete.

How? He looks like a guy
that works at the post office.

Exactly. He's the only dude
from England to do ski jumping.

This nobody just walked
right into Olympic glory.

- This changes everything.
- (VANGELIS' CHARIOTS OF FIRE PLAYS)

You're right! I'm
gonna be a champion!

Olympics, here I come, baby!

Watch out.

- Champ...
- (MUSIC STOPS)

God, those are steep. (PANTING)

Champion!

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
February 24th, 1980-something,

and my dad was
doing what he did best.

Saving money.

Which one of you morons
cranked up the heat to 55?

How is that cranked up?

I'm wearing my
Spider-Man long underwear,

which, yes, feels
like a fun little secret.

But it shouldn't be
necessary in the house.

He's right, Mur.
It's freezing in here.

At least start a fire.

Are you nuts? You think
firewood grows on trees?

Yes, that's what
trees are. Wood.

Well, keep your hands off.
And turn off the damn lights!

We don't support
the electric company.

ADAM: Hey, we're still in here.

MURRAY: It's after
6:00! Go to bed!

ADULT ADAM: My dad had always been
frugal, but lately, he was getting worse.

MURRAY: Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's two whole
ounces of milk right there.

Pour it back.

But it's blue from
all the Boo Berry.

Berries are
healthy. Pour it back.

ADULT ADAM: Even his co-workers at the
furniture store were feeling the squeeze.

Hi. Picking up or dropping...

Oh, God, it's you!

Hello? Vic?

- We're closed. Come back later.
- Vic, I see you.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you doing
in a Foto Shack?

Murray, cut back my hours.

Oh, no.

Is it because you're so
terrible at selling furniture?

No. Wait, does Murray say that?

Are things not going
well at the store?

Oh, well, you know the furniture game.
(CHUCKLES) It's... But, no, they're not.

- What?
- But do me a favor.

Don't tell Murray you
heard it from me, okay?

Of course, Vic. I permiss.

Did you just say "permiss"?

No, I said, "I pormiss."

- Por... Por...
- I pormiss.

- Wait, what?
- Got to go!

(TIRES SCREECH)

ADULT ADAM: My mom
wasn't one to break a promise.

A "pormiss" was
a different story.

Hey! Bevy!

What a fun surprise!

Yeah. Just came to
see the big guy in action.

- (CHUCKLES) So, how's it going?
- Hoo-hoo! Been slammed.

Slammed, huh?

Must have missed the rush.

Well, you know,
it comes in waves.

As a matter of fact, I
should get back to work.

Oh, so, so busy.
Sold two of these.

This baby? Gone. Sold it.
Shouldn't have been sitting in it.

And you're not gonna believe
this. Somebody bought a register!

Ka-ching, ka-ching,
ka-ching! Look at us!

ADULT ADAM: As my dad was
hiding his troubles from my mom,

Barry was unleashing
his inner champion.

What's with the
board, douche lords?

Just deciding which Olympic
sport will make Barry a national hero.

Deal with it!

Okay, stop. You're
not Eddie the Eagle,

and you're never
gonna win at... Curling?

What the hell is that?

Isn't it genius? No one knows.

It's a sport where you sweep
a rock across a sheet of ice.

It takes incredible
focus and patience.

BARRY: Mmm...

Moving on. How about dressage?

Yes! I'll win the gold
at whatever that is!

It's an equestrian event,

which is the elegant
art of horse dancing.

I told you, bro! I will
never dance with a horse!

Never!

What is your deal with horses?

They know what they did.

You're right. Moving
on. Rhythmic gymnastics.

Oh, you mean ribbon dancing?
Yes, please do that. I beg you.

I sense your mocking tone.
You know who else got mocked?

Edward "Eddie
the Eagle" Edwards.

His name is Edward Edwards?

Look, I don't
know all the details.

I'm just basing my
life on him. Geez.

In that case, let's
get you a ribbon.

It's everything I thought
it would be and more.

The ribbon just takes
me where it wants.

- Look at him go.
- (THUD)

(GASPING) Not part
of the routine. Help me!

Don't worry. We'll
find a sport for you.

How are you with
skiing and guns?

Never done it, but
I'm awesome at it.

Stop. Just stop. Admit it.

The only sport you're good
at is that stupid brother game

you invented to beat
the crap out of each other.

- Ball-Ball.
- Ball-Ball.

- Ball-Ball!
- ADULT ADAM: One awesome thing about

having an older brother
was the sports we'd make up.

BARRY: Racquet round!

The rules were endless
and complicated...

Sleep!

But no matter what,
you had to yell...

Ball-Ball!

Yes!

Dude, you're unbeatable!

This is the answer, Erica!

If I get Ball-Ball into the Olympics,
you know I'll bring home the gold.

Giant problem.

Some dumb-ass game
you play in the basement

will never be an Olympic sport.

That's what they
said about soccer.

- He's right. I heard that.
- No, you didn't.

I didn't, but he said it with
such confidence I agree.

We will rule the world!

(GRUNTS)

ADULT ADAM: While my
brother had found his road to gold,

my mother was worried my
dad was on the road to ruin.

You should have seen the store,
Dad. Completely abandoned.

I just don't understand why
he won't ask me for help.

This is how Murray's
dad raised him.

Be proud. Don't
ask for a handout.

Solve it yourself.

Well, you raised me to
offer support and guidance

and strong-arm anyone
into doing exactly what I want.

That's what you thought
I meant when I said,

"Follow your dreams?"

Yes.

ADULT ADAM: My dad
was too proud to ask for help,

so my mom decided
to force it on him.

- Bevy!
- Hello, Murray.

I see you've found the
solution to all your problems.

What am I looking at?
I'm confused and angry.

- It's a fa-ton.
- A what?

- A fa-ton.
- Fa-ton?

- Fa-ton.
- Fa-ton.

- Fa-ton?
- Fa-ton.

- A what?
- Fa-ton.

It's Japanese.

It's a couch but also...

- A bed!
- It's the origami of furniture.

What is it doing in the only
room in the world that I like?

Murray, I know about
the furniture store.

I saw Vic in that tiny
little photo house.

It was sad.

Look, I don't need
anyone's help.

And I definitely
don't need a fa-ton.

Just one (BLEEP) fa-ton.

No fa-tons.

ADULT ADAM: As my dad
was refusing help to sell furniture,

Barry was hoping to sell
Ball-Ball to the masses.

Friends, JTP.

TOGETHER: JTP!

Girlfriend, ponytail burnouts.

What's up?

I've gathered you here today

because you're the
tastemakers of the school.

- You know it.
- Big time.

We'll eat anything.

I present to you Ball-Ball, a
high-octane sport of the future,

and it's the coolest,
newest club in school.

What the hell, man?

You told me this was a
Rush Appreciation club.

I'm letting you in
on the ground floor.

Because what we have
here, it's more than a game.

- It's a way of life.
- I've played it.

They're definitely
overselling it, but it's fine.

I heard I get to hit
you in the testicles.

When do I get to do that?

Love the enthusiasm!

Now, I'm not only
president of this club.

I'm also Ball-Ball
champion of the world.

So I will naturally dominate,
so do not be discouraged.

All right, everyone out!

Rubén Amaro, Jr. Has to
break in some new sneakers.

But I signed out the gym
for my new Ball-Ball club.

What is this? How's it work?

Ah, there's like a thousand
rules. Too complicated for you.

Bro, it's Rubén Amaro,
Jr. Let him in our club.

Yeah, you want
this to go big, right?

Well, he's the best
athlete in school.

I don't know if it's confirmed
he's the best athlete in school.

And honestly, I'm not sure he's
ready to play a game like this.

Watch and learn. Ball-Ball!

Oh, no! He caught it with one
hand. That's a ball-buster bonus.

A penalty shot at
Barry's face or nards.

Your choice.

Nards! Definitely the nards!

Hey, Adam, pal, maybe
ease up on the rules...

(GRUNTS)

Sweetie, are you okay?

(GROANING) He
didn't say "Ball-Ball."

This game is amazing! I'm
telling everyone in school.

Hey, Coach, I like this club.

Rubén Amaro, Jr. is
in. It is officially a club.

(GASPS) Score! We did it!

Wait, is this little
kid playing with us?

'Cause maybe I'll
take a rain check.

If Rubén hates
it, I hate it, too.

Actually, I'm Barry's coach.

No! I don't even
know who this kid is!

Get out of here, strange child.

But this is our sport.
We invented it together.

Well, sometimes in life,
you make hard choices.

- This is an easy one. Bye, Adam.
- No! It's my game, too!

ADULT ADAM: Turns
out Barry added a new rule

to our beloved Ball-Ball,
stabbing me in the back.

Despite my dad's
struggle at the store,

he forbid my mom
from getting involved.

It did not stick.

Surprise! It's a fa-ton.

I know it's a fa-ton.
We discussed the fa-ton.

Get the fa-ton out of my store!

I believe it's
pronounced "fu-ton."

(DOORBELL DINGS)

I'll handle this.

Hello, sir.

What fine piece of luxury
furniture can I put you in today?

Oh, is that one of
those new futons?

Why, yes. They're
very comfortable.

No. Ignore that thing.

These people don't
even work here.

See, I have a small condo,

and this would really
save a lot of room.

Not to mention a lot of money.

Here. Sit down. Or lie
down. The choice is yours.

Wait, what if I told you I have a
bed combined with a small lake?

You see that? You see how
it's gently rocking me to sleep.

Waterbed. (SIGHS) Yeah, I
don't know. It seems kind of '70s.

This bed is so damn relaxing!

Really? 'Cause you
look more agitated.

It's like being in the
freaking Bahamas.

Come on. Lay down next to me.

Lay your body next to
mine and feel what I feel.

Yeah, I'm... I'm gonna go futon.

Wonderful.

Vic will ring you up since
he's not doing anything.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm taking this commission.

We did it.

See what happens when
you accept a little help?

You want to help?
Great. The store is yours.

What are you talking about?

If I'm not needed here, I quit.

You can't quit! You're the boss!

Oh-ho-ho! Well,
now you're the boss.

Well, if I'm the boss,

then I hire you back
as my boss and I quit.

Fine. I'm the boss?

Well, then I'm leaving
you in charge forever!

ADULT ADAM: That day, my dad wasn't
the only one being beaten at his own game.

- Ball-Ball.
- Ball-Ball.

Ball-Ball.

Damn it! Rematch!

Maybe I should play
Johnny Atkins or Carla.

- You know, make it fair.
- Fair?

What are you saying?

He's saying you suck,
Goldberg. Hit the bricks.

Crazy girl's right, Goldberg.

People are playing.
Get off the court.

But I'm Club President.

I thought Rubén was.

Good idea.

Rubén Amaro, Jr.,
you're Club President.

But I invented this game!

Dude, you invented Rubén-Ball?

Well done, Barry. Well done.

Appreciate the support, bro,
but it's not time to celebrate.

I'm not supporting you.
This is a sarcastic clap.

What? A sarcastic
clap goes like this.

Which is exactly
what I'm doing, dude.

No, you're doing this.

That's a slow clap
for a champion.

No, that's not a
slow clap. This is.

Oh, my God. Can't
you hear the difference?

You're not watching what I'm
doing. Watch what I'm doing.

You're not hearing it! Hear
the patterns. It's a rhythm.

- You've had no rhythm our whole life.
- You're not watching what I'm doing!

- Just look! Just like this!
- Ah, forget the clap!

All I know is, first, you kick
me out of the game we created.

Then you sucked at
it and lost it forever.

- Sucked?
- Sucked!

For years, I thought you were
the greatest athlete on the planet.

Turns out, you're,
like, not good.

- Just like me.
- You take that back.

Never! You and me are the same.

That is the single most hurtful
thing anyone has ever said to me.

The same.

Don't support me now with
your applause. It's too late.

Since I left you in
charge of the store,

I thought you might want
to see what's happening.

"Going Out of Business
Sale." Murray, that's brilliant!

No, no, since you insist
on running the store,

I'm calling it quits and
really going out of business.

Hon, furniture stores
do this all the time.

- Everybody knows it's not real.
- But it is real!

It's also the same exact ad
you ran three times last year.

What do you think of that?

- It's fantastic!
- No, no, no, read it.

It's says "seriously"
and "for real this time!"

(CLICKS TONGUE) Gotcha.

Aah!

Ha.

Right here in black and white.

"It's all over! This is not just one
of those things furniture store do

"to sell more furniture!
It's... Totally... Real!"

Ha!

You, sir, are a genius!

If I'm so good,

why did you come down to
the furniture store and mix in?

I was helping.

See, that's the thing, Bev.
I didn't ask for your help.

Wait, where are you going?

Anywhere but here.

Oh, look, Dad's having another
"Going Out of Business" sale.

MURRAY: Aah!

ADULT ADAM: So, instead of closing
down the store, my dad decided to move in.

Stupid, giant water balloon!

(GROANS)

And he found comfort in
the last place he expected.

Huh.

That's damn nice.

ADULT ADAM: The next morning,
we found Barry's sports gear

in the last place we expected.

Barry, what the...
What are you doing?

Making a bonfire.

I've officially quit all of sports,
and I'm burning everything I own.

Canoeing isn't even a
sport. It's a leisure activity.

Not the way I did it.

Goodbye, extreme canoeing.

And farewell to you, boomerang.

I mean it! I don't want you
here! Go on. Get out of here!

Damn you!

Let me live my life!

- Dude, what did you do to him?
- Told him the truth!

He's not some champion.
He's a scrub, like me.

Dear Lord, man. Do you
realize what you've done?

Sports are everything to Barry,
and you just took 'em away.

Why do I matter so
much? I'm just his brother.

Deep down, Barry knows that out in
the world, he's not some champion.

But in this house, you
make him feel like one.

- I... I do?
- Yes.

You idolize him.

That's what little brothers do.

I didn't realize that.

Good news is that even
though you destroyed him,

you can still build him back up.

Goodbye, tennis
racquet slash air guitar.

Well, that was my racquet.
But sure, I'll build him back up.

ADULT ADAM: After crushing Barry's
spirits, I decided I couldn't let him

throw away his dreams
or all his sports stuff.

What are you doing?
I threw this junk out.

I brought it back in because
we're not done with it yet.

Come here. Check out the board.

Forget Olympic glory.
I'm not a champion.

I'm not even Eddie
the Eagle. I'm nothing.

(VANGELIS' CHARIOTS
OF FIRE PLAYS)

Maybe out there.

But in here, you're
Barry the Eagle.

Yeah, maybe you won't be in
the Winter or Summer Games,

but we got something way better.

I give you...

- The Home Games.
- The Home Games? That's not a thing.

Neither was Ball-Ball.

Well, thanks to me, we
lost it to Rubén Amaro, Jr.

Let him have it, 'cause we
now got 17 homemade games

combining athletic skill,
bravery, stupidity, and karate.

What about boomerang?

We be 'rangin,
bro. We be 'rangin.

But only one champion in
this house could take the gold.

Light the torch. Let
the games begin.

ADULT ADAM: That fateful
day, we hung up our Ball-Ball gear.

Sure, we lost one
absurd brotherly game,

but we gained a tradition
that would last a lifetime.

My brother never
made it to the Olympics

like Eddie the Eagle, but
that day, he sure felt like him.

(MUMBLES)

- What's up?
- Morning, sunshine!

It's 11:15.

We just sold six futons, thanks
to you sleeping so peacefully.

(GROANS) Is that supposed
to make me feel better?

Look, Mur,

when I first opened this
place, business was lousy.

It was so bad, my in-laws would
buy furniture they didn't even need.

Every room in their
house had three beds.

Why would they do
something so stupid?

To help me.

That's what family does.
We take care of each other.

There's no shame in that.

Yeah, well, it
feels like there is.

I know that's how it
was in your family,

but now you're my family.

And this is how we do it.

Did you... Fold stuff?

Figured you gave me a hand,
thought I could return the favor.

Look, Murray, I know
selling furniture is your thing,

and I'm sorry that I...

Oh, no, no, no. This is on me.

The store, it's
struggling, Bevy.

And truthfully,

I could really use your help.

I never thought you'd ask.

ADULT ADAM: But he did.

For the first time, my dad
broke down and asked for help.

Thanks to my mom,
it really did pay off.

That's the thing about family,

they're always there to
pick you up when you fall.

And if you're lucky,

they help you soar like
an eagle named Eddie.

- We did it, baby!
- Hell, yeah, we did.

I'm one of the announcers here
at our Home Games Competition.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Okay, we can all agree
this year's Home Games

was a raging success,
but looking ahead,

I want to legitimize
the competition.

Allow me to introduce
next year's new event,

Can You Feel That?

Like the name. How's it work?

Yeah, Barry, how does this work?

Best we learn by demonstration.

Gentlemen, raise your bats.

Uh, wait, what?

On your mark. Get set. Go.

Wait! Shouldn't I
also have a helmet?

Can you feel that?

Right there, right
there. You feel that?

Nothing? Anything?

Actually, no.

I support whatever this is.

Hey, Erica! Check me
out! I'm tough and sexy!