The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Weird Al - full transcript

Adam has his heart set on attending the Weird Al concert, while Barry challenges Erica to a counsel-off after they both sign up as peer counselors.

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, everyone had
their favorite guitar-shredding rock god.

But there's only one musical
bad boy who rocked my world...

Weird Al.

Dare to be stupid? You know it!

made me want to write comedy.

The way he'd parody a pop
song never ceased to amaze me.

Is that my Cher
wig from Halloween?

Darn right.

Can I borrow some hair
spray? I think I need more body.

You are so weird.

ADULT ADAM: Weird Al even inspired
me to write my own parody songs.

Good news, bro. I've
decided to honor you in song.

It's about time!

You know the Wang Chung
song Everybody Have Fun Tonight?

Well, I changed all the lyrics
to make them all about you.

Ah, you've improved
the song. Let's hear it.

(SINGING) Everybody
have fun tonight

My brother Barry
is a wang tonight

Barry's gonna kick
your ass tonight

ADULT ADAM: Yep, Weird
Al was my comic muse,

and I finally had the
chance to see him live.

Mom, I have the single-greatest
news on the planet.

You have that terrible disease
that makes you stop growing,

and you're gonna stay
my little schmoopie forever.

No. Weird Al is playing
at the Mann Music Centre.

And you want to take your
mama as your date. Aw.

Stop hearing what
you want and listen.

He has two shows this week,

and Dana's in town
visiting her grandma.

I'll surprise her with tickets.

While I find his
Hawaiian shirts festive,

you're much too young

to go to a family-friendly
comedy show unsupervised.

Please, you have to say
yes. Dana's the love of my life.


- I mean, after you.

- The best mama in the world.

I'll let you sniff the top of
my head for two seconds.

- Thirty.
- Five.

- Ten.
- Five.

- Thirty.
- Done.

I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

February 12, 1980 something,

the day my brother actually
got involved in school.

- What's that?
- Just a lame old sign-up sheet

for kids that wanna become
peer counselors. (CHUCKLES)

It's a boring old
club for nerds.

You're not a nerd, are you?

'Cause this here,
this is nerd city.

- Sign me up.
- What? No.

You're underselling it, which
means it's awesome, and I want in.


Look, Mr. Goldberg,

I have dreamt of starting a
peer-counseling programme

at this school for years.

I need emotionally mature students
who are a healing presence in school.

Well, you just got yourself an
officially-licensed school therapist.

No! Wow. Do not
tell people that.

It's too late. I
signed the sheet,

which means I can
advise anyone on anything,

and they have to listen to me.

That's not what it means.

Fellas, I've recently become
a fully licensed and bonded

medical psychiatrist,

so if any of you want to work
through your personal issues,

this is your safe space.

I really miss my grandpa.

You're short, be
taller. Boom. Next!

There's this girl I like, but she
won't give me the time of day.

Well, that's 'cause you
suck at nunchucks, bro.

The fastest way to a girl's
heart is some sweet chuckin'.

Boom. Next!

I feel like my father
doesn't respect me.

So, be less boring. Boom!

- Next!
- No, stop!

No one listen to a word
this douche monger just said.

Naked Rob, just open
up to your dad a bit.

Nothing earns respect more than
being honest with how you feel.

And, Andy, it's perfectly
normal to miss your grandpa,

no matter what size you are.

And, you, this girl,
who's clearly me,

just wants to be friends.

My heart hurts, but I appreciate
the open communication,

and it only makes
me like you more.

Well, well.

God gives you one Goldberg
and counters it with another.

You're right. She's the worst.

JTP out.

Erica, look, I'm not gonna
beat around the bush about this.

I need you to become
a peer counselor.

You're smart, you're popular, and
only you can undo the terrible damage

that your brother is gonna
wreak upon this school.

I appreciate the offer, but...

I'll give you an "A"
in any class you want.

What? You can do that?

Open up a file cabinet and
make a mark with my pen?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I can do that.

Seems wrong to give me an "A" in
gym when I've been cutting all year.

That said, I won't notice

'cause I'll be too busy
counseling peers and stuff.

- (LAUGHS) Deal.

Here's your informational binder

and your therapy puppet.

This is usually for smaller kids, but
the burners like it, too. (CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: As Erica was
getting ready to connect with others,

I was about to reconnect
with the love of my life.

- Hi, Mrs. Goldberg.
- Dana.

I brought you some
coffee beans from Seattle.

Aw, that is so thoughtful for
someone who drinks coffee.

I don't. I'm a tea drinker.

You've known me for two years,

but thanks for the
partial gift, Dana.

That's very sweet. (CHUCKLES)

Adam, Dana brought
me a bag of beans!

Dana Eleanor Caldwell,

are you ready for the greatest,

- most-romantic weekend of your life?

In this box, I've
prepared our greatest hits,

and we're gonna tackle each one.

Laser tag, ALF marathon,

Super Mario Bros.,

pogo ball.

- You in?
- Um, sure, it's been a while.

Come on! Pogo balling
is just like riding a bike.

Oh! We should also ride bikes.

Classic us. (GIGGLES)

ADULT ADAM: But to our surprise,

our greatest hits
suddenly felt like misses.

Pogoing on a ball is fun.

Well, it's kind of
hard in these jellies.

But they're cute, right?

Yeah, they're shoes.

were off to a slow start,

but a romantic Beefaroni
dinner would change that.

Is it me or did your
tree house get smaller?

No. Same size.

Guess it's us who got bigger.

Do you want an Ecto Cooler?

Chef Boyardee himself
recommends it with the beef.

Yeah, I'm just
gonna grab a Perrier.


Maybe I should spend a
little time with my grandma.

No, wait! I actually have
a big surprise for you.

You and me are going to
our first rock concert together!

No way! Who is it?

Only the greatest
artist of our time.

- Madonna? The Police?
- Better! Better!

- Michael Jackson!
- Well, he's worked with all three,

but in a way, he's improved their
work by making it super funny!

"Weird Al" Yankovic!

The guy who sings about food.

Sure, some songs are about
food, like Eat It, Lasagna,

I Love Rocky Road,
and My Bologna.

But he also sings about
love and life and hernias!

I didn't realize you
were still into him.

And the best part,

I got us Al shirts to
wear to the concert.

Ladies' choice. (CHUCKLES)

But if I were a lady,

I'd want to see my man
in a jungle tiger pattern.


was planning our big date,

Erica helped Naked Rob
make a big breakthrough.

I can't thank you enough
for all the help with my dad.

I really think we
turned a corner.

That's my job, Naked
Robert. I'm here for you.

So great to have
someone I can trust and...

- How dare you!
- What?

Healing my nutjob
friends behind my back?

You're not legally
authorized for that. Only I am!

Not anymore, pal.

Mr. Glascott asked
me, and you know what?

It feels awesome to
actually help people.

Unlike you, who just leaves
behind a wake of broken souls.

All you did was charm Naked
Rob with your feminine wiles.

If it was anyone else,
I'd totally out-counsel you.

It's adorable you think that.

Then I challenge
you to a counsel-off.

Name anyone.

First one to fix that person's
brain is crowned champion adviser.

First of all, not a word,

and second, when
you lose, you quit.

Same goes for you, sucker.

Go ahead. Pick anybody.
The more depressed, the better.

Do you even know what the
signs of depression actually are?

Of course!

I just need you to say them so
you can understand them better.

(SIGHS) Fine.
Number one, fatigue.

Will you two stop yapping?
I'm exhausted from a hard day.

Number two, lethargy.

(GROANING) Oh, so far.

Number three, irritability.

I told you two morons, put
the remote in the side pocket!

Four, persistent
aches and pains.

(GROANS) Oh! Now I hurt
my back from stretching!

Five, mood swings.

Eh, Love Boat's on!

And finally, sudden exhaustion.


- Dad!
- Dad!

All right, first one to fix that
man's crippling depression wins.

This is gonna be really hard.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica and
Barry were playing therapist,

Dana and I were
playing Mario Bros.

But even though we
were on the same side,

we felt miles apart.

Hey, snuggle bunny
and also Dana.

Gear up, we're gonna
leave in five minutes.

Even though we all agree

Adam should be taking me
to his first comedy concert.

The good news is Adam
will be all yours soon enough.

- What do you mean?
- Look at how they're playing

Super Immigrant Plumbers.

Their thumbs are in it,
but their hearts aren't.

No way. Adam and
Dana are as solid as ever.

Did you see them pogo ball?

That's a sport for lovers,

and they were just going
through the motions.

Oh, my God. No!

Adam and Dana are
so wonderful together.

Since when do you like Dana?

I adore the girl.

Got to say, I'm surprised, given all
the passive-aggressive interactions,

and not to mention the
aggressive-aggressive ones.

But deep down, I think she's
sweet and kind and beautiful,

and it helps that she
lives 3,000 miles away

and I get Adam 98% of the time!

That's the whole
problem right there, Bevy.

They've been apart too long.

Let's hope that Weird
Al is just what they need

to bring them back together.


Weird Al! Weird Al!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

- Weird Al!

Oh, my God. This is amazing!

We got to get a
photo of the two of us.

Yeah, that'd be nice!

Make sure you get
Weird AI's whole body in it.


ADULT ADAM: Barry and
Erica's counsel-off was on.

It was a mano-a-mano battle
of who could fix Dad first.

Hey, big guy.

How're you feeling today?

You look sad. Are
you sad? Can I help?

- I'm not giving you money.
- I'm not here for money.

I'm here for you.

You're afraid to open up to me.

Feels like we can tackle this
with some word association.

- You're ready?
- No.

- Abandonment.
- Stop.

- Family.
- Go.

- Love.
- Leave!

You seem angry, bro.

Know what cures
me when I'm angry?

Screaming into something.

Here. Try my rage pillow.

It'll make you feel better.

What? You're supposed to
yell in it, not throw it at me!

What's the matter with
you? That's my favorite pillow!

I do feel better.

ERICA: Hey, Mur-man. It's
safe to tell me your dark secrets.

What's with the puppet?
What's going on? Get out of here!

You're getting sleepy.
When you wake up...

What the hell's
wrong with you two?

Forget what that dope's doing.

All I'm looking for is
a smile on your face.

- Let me see that smile.
- Yeah, smile for Barry.

- No. Smile for Erica!
- Shut up. No.

Fine. If I smile,
will you both leave?


- That's your smile?
- God, what is that?

- Why?
- Yeah, this is what you wanted.

It's so wrong and disturbing!

- Look at it!
- Stop it!

- Look at the joy on my face!
- Are you my dad?

Now get over here and hug me!

This was a terrible
mistake! I'm so sorry!

No, wait! Don't leave
me alone with that face!

- Oh, my God!
- That's right! Run!

Okay, that didn't count.

Just pick someone else
we can counselor-ate.

Forget the competition!

Don't you realize we have
a dad who can't even smile?

That's like an actual problem.

I see what you're saying.

You forfeit! Barry wins.
The puppet's mine.

- Forget the puppet!
- I want the puppet!

Take the stupid puppet.
I'll just help Dad myself.

Damn it. You've made
this a hollow victory.

And now I'm worried. Wait up.

ADULT ADAM: As Barry and Erica
were on a mission to help my dad,

I was on a mission
to meet my hero.

- Look! There he is!

His glasses are so
much bigger in real life.

People, please, please,
please, settle down.

No, we're too far back.

Come on. Let's elbow
our way to the front.

Can we maybe just do
something more fun instead?

ADAM: How can you say that?

Wasn't it fun when we slow
danced to I Think I'm a Clone Now?

Only 'cause I like
the Tiffany song.

I closed my eyes and
imagined the original lyrics.

You faked it?

I just don't like Weird
Al like I used to, okay?

Ouch! Not gonna lie,
random child. That stings.

Oh, God. I'm sorry,
Mr. Weird. Mr. Al.

- She didn't mean it.
- Sounded like she did, bro.

Please don't judge
me by her words.

- I don't even know her.
- Adam!

How do you know my
name, strange lady?

Seriously? You're
picking him over me?

I don't know what to do!

I've never been asked to choose
between two people I love equally.

I'm so out of here.

Fine! Go!

I'll just be here cold chillin'
with my new best buddy, Al.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES) I really
wouldn't make me part of your plan.

Look. I didn't even
want to be here.

I just wanted to hang out,

not ride bikes or play
laser tag or pogo ball.

What are you saying?

I just don't think we
get each other anymore.

(EXCLAIMS) She looks super mad!

Kind of like that
time I asked Prince

if I could turn When Doves
Cry into When Spuds Fry.

You know, spuds are potatoes.

No, it's genius.

It's just... Things
are so bad with Dana.

You know, sounds to me like
you and Agnes just drifted apart.

Doesn't mean you don't
love each other, Todd.

You just grew up.

Dana was slipping away,

Erica and Barry were trying to
get a grip on my dad's depression.

You kids made the right
choice coming to old Glascott.

Let's do this.

Well, technically, we came
to you for a recommendation.

And I recommended myself.
I come highly recommended.


Look, if anyone knows the ins
and outs of depression, it's me.

I'm proud to say that I've
slayed that dragon many a time.

Dad's coming down
the hall. Get in position.

- Mr. Goldberg.
- Got your call.

What'd these morons do
that I had to leave work early?

Please, have a
seat, Mr. Goldberg.

We need to have a very
serious discussion about you.

- Me?
- Your kids are concerned

that you might have a
real case of the blues.

Luckily, I'm here to help,

and so is Carl.

He's a real sad sack, too.
Why don't you two talk?

Mr. Goldberg. What's up, buddy?

What's with everybody
and puppets?

- You can talk to me.
- Is that what this is all about?

You're worried about me?

You're very moody
and sleepy and angry.

And you sit a lot.

I'm not depressed.

- I'm a dad!
- Let me get this straight.

You don't struggle getting
out of bed every morning

- because, what's the point?
- No.

You don't desperately fear

- being alone again at Thanksgiving?
- No.

You've never faced the bottom
of an ice cream pint and thought,

- "Screw it. I'm going again."
- No.

You don't write "help me" in
the steam on the shower door?

- What?
- Nothing.

Okay, well, look. I'm glad that
we could help you, Mr. Goldberg.

If you guys don't mind, I
need to take a personal day.

Hey, kiddo.

I know you're hurting,

but you're never
gonna be over one girl

until you're under the next.

Whoa! Shut the (BLEEP) up, Dad.

What he means is
don't give up on Dana.

We can still fix this.

But AI's my number one hero,
and I believe anything he says.

What exactly did
Weird Al say to you?

All that matters is
that he was right.

People change and love dies.

ADULT ADAM: At that moment, all my
mom wanted was to fix my broken heart.

And so she did the
only logical thing.

BEVERLY: Weird Al!
Over here, Weird Al!

We need to talk!
It's about love!

- Who said that?
- Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Who is this who speaks of love?

(SIGHS) Beverly Goldberg.

I'm sure you remember
my delicious boy, Adam.

Of course. Super tall mute dude
with dreadlocks and a droopy eye?

Please tell him I said...

No, look. You made him
think his relationship was over,

and now you're gonna fix it.

- It's not happening.
- Oh, it's happening.

You're gonna get on that tour
bus, take it into the suburbs,

and put on a private
concert for Adam and Dana

- with all their favorite songs.
- Such as?

- Every Rose Has Its Thorn.
- Every Toe Has Its Corn?

- The Wind Beneath My Wings.
- The Bed Above My Springs.

- Material Girl.
- Bacterial Earl!

Heaven Is a Place on Earth.

Kevin is a Dude With Girth.

- Careless Whisper.
- Your Hairless Sister.

- Fight the Power.
- Smell the Flounder?

- Stop it.
- Listen.

A private concert isn't gonna
bring those kids back together.

But do you know what can?

A mother's love.

- You think?
- Yes.

Only you can fix this.

Their future is in your hands.

Thank you, Weird Al.

Thank you so much. (CHUCKLES)

Move it! I need to fix
my baby's relationship.

Okay, why do I
even pay for security?

She was clearly crazy, and
you just stood there! Ugh!

ADULT ADAM: After some
sage advice from Weird Al,

my mom decided to put
on a show of her own.

There he is! Come
on in, smushie.

You know Dana. Have a seat.

Oh, God. What have you done?

What is this? Why are you here?

All I'm asking is for
a minute of your time.

After that, you can both move
on with your lives. Please.


Now, what I'm about to show you
was gonna be played at your wedding,

so when the day
comes, act surprised.


Remember this?

DANA: I actually do.

I lost my kite and
you gave me yours.

I was so nervous talking to you.

That was the night
of our first kiss.

Yeah. Best birthday ever.

Wait. Were you, like, lurking
around the whole time?

- No.
- Then how did you...

Moving on.

Dude, were you spying on us?

What? No.

I was cleaning the closet,
and, you know... Shh.

Just focus on your love.

ADAM: What the...

You took that
hanging off the roof?

A photographer does what
she needs to do to get the shot.

The point is, it's always
been Adam and Dana.

You can't just throw that away.

Enough! All those
photos are in the past.

There's nothing to show now

'cause Dana lives in
Seattle and I'm stuck here.

It just isn't the same.

He's right.

Seeing those photos, it's...

It's not us anymore.

I just wish you two
didn't leave it like this.

You deserve so much better.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

I just thought I could fix it.

I'm kind of surprised.

I always thought
you didn't like me.

Oh, Dana.

You'll always be the best
first love my baby could have.

Besides me, of course.


ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
Dana realized my mom was right.

We couldn't leave it like this.


There's a sale on our
Gabardine suits today


What are you doing?

This is how you won
me over two years ago.

So, this is how I
want to say goodbye.

There's Fortrel polyester,
leather, wool, and tweed

You're playing Weird Al.

I thought you don't
like him anymore.

I may have outgrown him,

but it doesn't mean
I still don't like him.

I just thought we'd be
together forever, you know?

And maybe we will.

But for now, I think we're
supposed to be apart.

That still doesn't
change the fact

that you will always
be my first crush.

My first kiss.

My first love.

You keep it. To remember me.

I will always
remember you, Adam.

30 years in the same
location I have stayed

ADULT ADAM: Truth is,

it wasn't how I saw things ending
with the girl from down the street,

but part of growing up is
learning when it's time to move on.

Hey, can we talk?

- No.
- Not about feelings.

We just want to apologize.

Yeah, we didn't realize
you being so lazy and angry

is actually you crazy happy.

I'm a simple guy.

I sit in my chair. I watch TV.

I yell at you two morons.

And honestly, that's
my happy place.

Well, it's good to know we
don't have to worry about you.

Hey, that means you care.

You know, now would be a
perfect time for you to actually smile.

- Pass.
- Worth a try.

ADULT ADAM: In the end, Erica
and Barry did make my dad smile,

and they also discovered there
was someone else in the house

who could use their help.

Hey, what's wrong?

Just packing up my
greatest hits with Dana.

It's over.

God. I'm so sorry.

You want to talk about it?

- No.
- Come on. Let's go to Wawa.

Tastykakes on me?

30 years in the same
location I have stayed

the thing about growing up.

You try to hold on to
things until you realize

maybe change is a good thing,

and if you're lucky,

your family is there to
guide you through it all.

To be the King of Suede


- Roll it!
- Roll it!

Are you kidding me?
No, I won't sing it!

Bar, our little brother needs
our love and support right now.

A good parody
song is gonna help.

That would make me feel better.

- (GROANS) Fine.
- One, two, three, four.

Everybody have fun tonight

My brother Barry
is a wang tonight

Brother Barry's so dumb tonight

Can't even tell
his left from right

Barry, take it!

My brother Barry
is a stupid jerk

I can't! I can't do this!

Where's my rage pillow?


You know, this song's
actually kind of funny.

I know! And that's exactly
why I sent Weird Al a demo.

brother Barry is a wang tonight

Who's this Barry?

This song offers no context!

Total amateurs!