The Goldbergs (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Dirty Dancing Dance - full transcript

ADULT ADAM: The '80s was
the decade of great dance movies,

but nothing had
the moves or magic

of the epic love
story, Dirty Dancing.

And no one loved it more
than Beverly Goldberg.

Somebody who's taught me...

(SPEAKING ALONG)
That there are people

willing to stand up for other
people no matter what it costs them.

(MIMICKING) Sit down, Jake.

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately, my
mom dragged me to see it with her.

Seventeen times.

You said we could
see Spaceballs.



There's no space or
balls in this whole movie.

Hold my hand. Live this with me.

ADULT ADAM: My
mom was so obsessed,

she even bought a copy
for the low price of $89.99.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Nobody.

My God, his arms are
like glistening tree trunks.

And woof... Mama like
that mullet. (SNORTS)

ADULT ADAM: Dirty
Dancing was the only thing

that got my mom
and sister to get along.

For the first time ever,
they were like friends.

You know, this is actually
based on a true story.

I'm pretty sure that's not true.

It's real, and you can't
take that away from me.



Wait, maybe it can be!

The sucky losers on the
school dance committee

are still fighting over a theme.

We can do a Dirty Dancing dance.

Are you telling me you
get to live Dirty Dancing,

and I could live every
moment through you?

That's not what
I'm saying at all.

It's decided. We do this dance.

Aw, screw it. Help me plan it.

Lame!

Sorry, ladies.

Truth bomb coming in!

This one gonna hurt.

Dirty Dancing sucks.

No. Don't you ruin this for us.

There's only one dance
movie in this world that matters,

Footloose.

- Go away.
- Oh, stop this at once.

It has it all, gymnastics, bros
bonding secretly with dance,

and a ruggedly handsome outsider

who dances into the
hearts of a small town.

Please. Dirty Dancing
is at least realistic.

A beautiful girl dances into
the hearts of a small resort.

No. Patrick Swayze can only
be a badass roadhouse bouncer,

not some tight-pants-wearing
mountain dancer.

You are grounded for six
weeks. No TV or phone.

But I need the phone to talk
and the TV to watch television!

That's the point.

Fine! You take away my Footloose,
I take away your Dirty Dancing.

- What?
- No!

- Hands off my Swayze!
- No! Stop it.

He's a bouncer! No!

- Dancer!
- Dancer!

He is a bouncer!

- He's a bouncer!
- Dancer!

- Dancer!
- He's a bouncer!

Dancer!

MAN: (SINGING)
I'm twisted up inside

But nonetheless I
feel the need to say

I don't know the future

But the past keeps
getting clearer every day

ADULT ADAM: It was
March 2nd, 1980-something,

and my mom had one
simple request of my dad.

Murray, um, there's something wrong
with the wheels on this vacuum cleaner.

Can you come down
and take a look at it?

I just bought you a new
used one nine years ago.

I'm telling you, it's sticking.

See, if you just move it
back and forth, you know?

Seems fine to me.

Just move with it a little.

Just, uh, take a few steps
forward and a few steps back.

- Yeah.
- There it goes.

(TIME OF MY LIFE
PLAYING) Because I've had

Just really get into the
rhythm of the vacuum.

The time of my life

Oh-ho-ho, no.

I see what you're doing.

I am not dancing with you.

Damn it.

I was inches away from
having the time of my life.

Inches!

(SONG STOPS)

Hoo-hoo!

That was a close one, huh?

You mean, how you almost
gave your wife the one thing

she's desperately wanted
for the last 25 years?

The nerve of some people.

See? You get it.
Why doesn't she?

Murray, it's important to her.

It's just dancing.
What's the big deal?

For one thing, I literally have
never danced a day in my life.

And based upon my current
energy level, not gonna start soon.

Oh, stop.

Everyone's danced at some point.

Yeah, not me.

You've never been in the
shower and hummed a few bars?

I'm all business in the shower.

Soap, rinse, out.

You've never once been driving,
and Miami Sound Machine comes on

and you tap your
finger on the wheel?

Tap my finger? Who
am I, Gregory Hines?

Are you trying to say
that even as a little boy,

you never once clapped
your hands to the radio?

My dad traded it for a bucket.

That's how I got
my birthday bucket.

This is a nightmare.
And you're to blame.

True.

And it's going to be the first
school dance ever worth going to.

No. When will this Dirty
Dancing oppression end?

When will everybody
cut loose, Footloose,

lick off your sundae spoons?

Sweetie, I keep telling you,
the song is not about ice cream.

You don't know, no one does.

Hey, pretty, pretty.

Guess you're gonna be looking

for a partner to practice
those sensual moves with.

And it's not going to be you.

Come on, I know every single
move that Swayze does in that movie.

- Seriously?
- Good for you.

Actually, I've never
seen it, but I will now,

and I will dedicate my life to
becoming your own personal Swayze.

You go full Swayze, maybe
I'll let you dance near me.

Proximity dance! It's a deal!

- Yeah. No deal.
- Hey!

There is no way Dirty Dancing

will ever be a theme at a
school-sanctioned dance.

Give me one good reason!

It's literally got
"dirty" in the title,

not to mention, it's
wildly inappropriate.

- Inappropriate?
- "Wildly inappropriate."

That piece of human (BLEEP) doesn't
know what's inappropriate for children.

He said the theme's
gonna be "soda pop hop".

- It's over, Mom.
- Over?

Did Johnny Castle give up

when he was unjustly
fired from Kellerman's?

- No, he did not.
- That's right.

He came back and danced dirty,

and so will you after I
march down to that school

and give Principal
Ball a piece of my mind.

No. Let me march.

- You want to march?
- I do.

- Down there?
- Yes!

To demand unrealistic
changes to school policy,

with a complete disdain for
reason and common sense?

I learned from the best.

I've never been prouder
to call you my daughter.

And I've never been proud
to be your daughter until now.

ADULT ADAM: And
so, for the first time,

Erica Goldberg marched down to
school and channeled Beverly Goldberg.

And if you still say no, I'll go
above your shiny head to the PTA.

No, the school board.

No, the secretary of education.

So, what do you and
your coffee-stained tie

have to say to that?

- A month's detention.
- What?

That's not how this
is supposed to work!

The thing is, I'm an adult,

and the way you're speaking to
me is completely unacceptable.

But I'm a Goldberg.
This is what we do.

And fortunately for both of
us, you're not your mother,

(CHUCKLING) and
she's not here right now.

But I think we could compromise
on something besides a dirty dance.

- A compromise, huh?
- Okay, door's always open,

but no more steamrolling me.

I want your respect. Understand?

Uh, I'm not following.

(SIGHS)

Thank goodness that's over.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica was
channeling my mom at school,

my dad was being
schooled by Pops.

Ah, Murray, perfect timing.

Come over here, take a seat.

I want you to look at
that handsome young man

and tell me what you see.

Someone who was still able
to drop his pants in peace.

POP POP: No.

This is a photo of your first dance,
your first act as a married man,

and you're not even moving.

I moved plenty that day.

I walked down the aisle,
I stepped on the glass,

I walked back up the aisle.
I was a regular Carl Lewis.

Damn it, Murray, when you
asked for my daughter's hand,

you said you'd do everything
you could to make her happy.

Does that look like
happiness to you?

Ugh. Fine.

I'll do one dance, but I'm
not moving my lower half.

Did someone say
"dance instructor"?

No! Where did you
even come from?

Come on! It's like Footloose.

You're the dopey farm
boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon.

Let me be your Bacon.

Don't distract me with
bacon. I'm not dancing.

- Come on! Yeah. Feel the beat.
- (SONG PLAYING)

(FOOTLOOSE PLAYING)
Everybody cut footloose

There's nothing wrong with
two bros bonding over dance.

Barry, this is a delicate
situation. You're making it worse.

Well, the infectious music of
Kenny Loggins will win him over.

It's not winning him over.

The human body is literally
programed to love Loggins.

- He can't say no!
- No!

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Hey!

What if I told you there was a way
that you could be a dancing God

without ever having
to move your body?

No! Don't listen to him.

- I'm listening.
- All you gotta do

is raise your hands
over your head.

- At the same time?
- Yes.

You're gonna listen
to this lazy-eyed nerd

when you have this
at your disposal?

I'm gonna go with
Adam's easy thing.

ADAM: Okay, if you
can pull this off with mom,

you'll never have
to dance again.

Are you insane?

I can't do that.

And neither could Ferris
Bueller's lame-ass sister.

That is, until she learned how.

I'm in a pool. I don't
want to be in a pool.

In the movie,
they were in a lake.

Would you rather be in a lake?

I'd rather be in my chair!

Put your hands
up. I'll jump to you.

You catch me.

One, two, three.

Ah! My soft belly meat!

I'm cold. Let's forget this.

This is your chance to make
Mom feel loved and delighted.

I'm freezing and miserable!

Don't you swim away from me!

What is that, a doggy
paddle? You're a grown man!

ADULT ADAM: While my
dad's plan to dance sank,

Erica was ready to
rise to the occasion.

Mom, guess what?

I actually got Principal
Ball to say yes,

so the Dirty Dance is back on.

Well, that is very surprising
to me, Schmoopaloo.

(CHUCKLING) I
can't believe I did it.

Uh, you. You did it, not me.

I was here, (CHUCKLES) mopping.

The dance is back on? That
means I can still Swayze you.

Let it go, Geoff.

I'm not gonna sensually
gyrate with you.

I'm sorry, "Gyrate"?

If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone,
it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.

Marc McGonagle?

Erica, I'm begging you.

Give me a chance to
groove all up on you.

No. Do not do that.

Let our bodies
speak without words.

Stop. Nobody's body is
speaking to any other bodies.

This is just a school dance.

Dirty dance.

Ugh! Again with
that awful movie.

Think about it, dude.

The school is
letting us dirty dance.

They want us to get freaky.

Mmm. Ladies' man
Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all!

That was not in the movie.

Yeah, we never saw the
movie, but the title says it all.

Guys, if you're gonna dirty
dance, at least do it right.

What have I done?

- Power jump.
- Yes.

ADULT ADAM: After my
dad's botched dance lesson,

it seemed this was as close to
Dirty Dancing as he would get.

Look at him. Has
to be special effects.

No man can lift a
tiny lady like that.

You're finally watching
that movie, huh?

I know I promised I'd
take Bevy out dancing,

but I can't do it.

I'll look stupid.

Since when do you
care about how you look?

You spend half your life puttering
around this house in your underpants.

Well, that's about comfort.

It's also a warning shot to
outsiders that you're not welcome.

All I'm saying is, you always care
less about what other people think.

- Why is this different?
- Let me be honest with you.

(SIGHS)

- I don't like to move my body.
- Yeah, we've met.

No, the thing is, I'm afraid.

Dancing in front of all those
people with their judgy eyes,

I... I can't do it.

Well, you'll never know
how you'll look if you don't try.

ADULT ADAM: Pops was right.
My dad had to see for himself.

Luckily, he spotted
my trusty camera.

And, with no one around,

- he decided to give dancing a shot.
- (SONG PLAYING)

He grooved, he grinded,

he gyrated, he did
whatever this is.

Look at me!

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm a guy who dances now!

He danced like no one was
watching, and luckily, no one was.

Just a reminder, I will be performing
with my barbershop quartet,

The Princi-pals, at the
open mic Thursday...

(SINGING) Night

Stop the announcements.
We need to talk.

No, no, no, no, no.

We had an agreement
over stern eye contact

that if I gave in to your
daughter's dance demands,

you would stay far
away from my office.

But that was before I
realized that you were right

and there can be no dance.

But you forced me to flip-flop.

I flipped. I can't flop back.

I didn't know how dirty
that dance was gonna be.

Which is why I wanted
it to be a soda pop hop.

It was my favorite dance as a
teen, but no one's embraced it.

BEVERLY: (OVER PA)
Well, I'm embracing it, Earl.

BALL: Fine. The Dirty
Dance is once again dead.

BEVERLY: One thing, my
daughter, Erica, must never know

that I had anything
to do with this.

- (WHISPERING) I think that's your mom.
- Yes, thank you, Lainey.

You.

(HESITANTLY) Hey.

What's up, best friend,
who's also my daughter?

The PA system was
on the whole time.

The whole school heard
every crazy word you said.

Oopsie.

You completely betrayed
me. Who does that?

A normal mama who loves
you and you love back?

For once, I thought we were a
team and had something in common.

Turns out, we never will.

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
left my mom feeling low,

my dad was still high
on his sweet moves.

- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hoo-hoo!

Look at me go!

I have to admit, at first,
I was a little bit nervous,

but now, (LAUGHING) look at me!

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Burn this.
- I'm sorry?

This must never
be seen by anyone.

I'm not following.

If you love my daughter, you
won't do any of this ever again.

You said I wouldn't know
if I could dance until I tried.

Well, you tried and now we know.
You cannot and should not dance.

- (MUSIC STARTS)
- Look at this.

Oh, no.

Adam, no, turn away!
It'll change you forever!

Oh, no, no, no!
What am I looking at?

Turn away!

I want to, but I can't.

It's like the ark from Raiders!

You promised you
wouldn't judge me,

but I'm feeling a lot
of judging right now.

Don't make yourself
the victim in this.

That boy is the victim.

All I did was walk
into the room.

Okay, I know you're
super pissed at Mom.

Well, I got good news.

Let my sanctuary heal you!

I come here to release my
angry rage that I always have.

How?

A little thing called
the angry dance.

That's not a thing.

Tell that to Kevin Bacon's
body double in Footloose.

(SONG PLAYING)

Go on. Angry dance.

Unleash your pain
with tumbles and flips.

- You're an idiot.
- I'm trying to help you here.

The only thing you're doing is
proving what a dope you are.

Your words make me so angry!

Dance it out,
Barry. Dance it out.

(FOOTLOOSE PLAYING)
I've been working so hard

I'm punching my card

Eight hours for what?

Oh, tell me what I got

I've got this feeling

That time's just holding me down

I'll hit the ceiling

Or else I'll tear up this town

Now I gotta cut loose

Footloose

Kick off the Sunday shoes

Loose, footloose

Everybody cut footloose

(MUSIC STOPS)

Now it's your turn. Fight
the power with dance.

Okay, I will never
do what you just did.

But you were right
about one thing.

I can and will fight
the power with dance.

Since when do we need
permission to dance dirty?

We are going to that
dance and get dirty,

whether Principal
Ball likes it or not.

That's right. You
can't stop this.

Exactly, although,
never do that again.

ADULT ADAM: The Soda
Pop Hop was in full effect.

It was less than thrilling.

The '50s suck.

To think I dressed up in my
good Rush shirt and everything.

ADULT ADAM: Thankfully,
for every kid in that gym,

Erica and her friends
had other plans.

It's 21:00.

Operation "Dance My Way
Into Erica's Heart" is a go.

- That is not the name.
- It's way too long.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, Erica
was a girl on a mission,

make a squeaky-clean
dance a little more dirty.

Baby has the watermelon.

- Roger.
- 10-4.

- I love sharing secrets with you.
- You're so loud.

- Way too loud.
- I knew it.

(MUSIC PLAYING) Sometimes
loving dreams really do come true

Hey, dude, some guy,
like, barfed on your van.

- What? Who?
- Who?

Uh...

- Me?
- I'll kill you!

ADULT ADAM: It was a needlessly intricate
plan that was ready to rock 'n' roll,

that is, until Barry rolled up.

It's boom time.

Stop! I don't know
what this is, but stop!

It's a confetti cannon.

Now cut-up paper will
endlessly rain down on us

like in the final
scene of Footloose.

I told you this is Dirty
Dancing, not Footloose.

Hello? An authority figure has
banned us from moving our bodies.

Seriously, Erica, I pity you.

I pity you both.

There is no way I'm letting you
ruin this wonderful soda pop hop.

Both of you, out!

If I'm going out,
I'm going out dirty.

Hit it, Lainey!

ADULT ADAM: And just like
that, my sister took a leap of faith.

- (MUSIC STARTS)
- No!

It's a dance about soda!

Just like you practiced,
dude. You can do this.

Too fast! Slow down!

ADULT ADAM: Maybe too big.

Oh, I just blew it.

BARRY: And Footloose!

Tell me where she is,

and I'll get the ball rolling
by calling her a moron.

My office.

And it is thrilling to finally
be on the same page for once.

I'm so sorry about
all of this, Earl.

I never should've
shown her that movie.

It's just too dirty
for a child to handle.

I get it. I'm a parent, too.

Our job is to save these
kids from themselves,

even if it means
crushing a dream or two.

Good luck.

ADULT ADAM: It turned out,
my mom was living Dirty Dancing,

but she wasn't Baby, she was
her controlling parent, Jerry Orbach.

And that was a role
she refused to play.

Mom, I know I screwed
up, humiliated myself,

got cake in my ear, and
inhaled some confetti.

And I'm grounded for
life, which I deserve.

No, you don't.

What?

So, you wanted to
live Dirty Dancing.

Nobody gets that more than me.

I'd love to be Baby. (CHUCKLES)

Get swept off my feet and
spun around the dance floor.

Honestly, it's all I've ever
wanted. (CHUCKLES)

I know it can't happen for me,

but, uh, it still can for you.

What are you saying?

Nobody puts my baby in a corner.

ADULT ADAM: And so,
with the help of her mom,

Erica cleaned herself
off and took center stage

to have the time of her life.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIME OF MY LIFE
PLAYING) Now I've

Had the time of my life

No, I never felt
like this before

Yes, I swear

It's the truth

And I owe it all to you-ou

(CROWD CHEERS)

I've been waiting for so long

I think she gets that from me.

What in Heaven's
name is happening?

I brought you here to
shut this nonsense down,

not make it worse.

The Dirty Dance is back on.

You might want to Orbach
these kids, but not me.

I miss the '50s.

Just look at them.
It's not even that dirty.

Hey, I know it's not Footloose,
but will you just dance a little?

- For me?
- I'll do it. But I won't like it.

This could be love

Because

I've had

The time of my life

No, I never felt this way before

ADULT ADAM: Sure, we didn't
magically do the same dance number

like in the movies.

In fact, most of us
weren't good dancers at all.

But for the first time, it
didn't seem to matter.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

- I'm really doing it!
- I can't believe it, either!

(GASPS) My baby is Baby!

Wow, um...

That was something.

It was everything. Like you.

You talked and ruined it.

Of course.

Look at her go.

Living her dream.

It's time you live
yours, too. Come on.

Oh!

ADULT ADAM: In that moment, my
mom wasn't just watching Dirty Dancing

for the 18th time.

She was living it
for the very first.

And it's all she ever wanted.

For one unforgettable night,

everyone in that gym
felt like Jennifer Grey.

We moved like Swayze and
were as footloose as Kevin Bacon.

We all ruled that dance
floor, and it was epic.

No, I never felt this way before

Yes, I swear, It's the truth

(BELL DINGS)

And I owe it all to...

(BOOM)

What's happening?

Captain Confetti strikes again!

- (WATER RUNNING)
- Hey, Adam, feeling clean?

ADAM: What?

- (BOOM)
- (ADAM SCREAMS)

- (BOOM)
- POP POP: Oh!

(ADAM GASPS)

(BOOM)

- Did it go off?
- Out.